B2's Movie Cave

What's Up with Blogger and Recent Viewings

2011-04-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

Really, what's up with Blogger? It's taken me forever to post anything in a format a normal human can read. After bashing my head against the wall a few times, I finally got sentences to line-up and paragraphs to stay where I wanted them. Had to change the settings to the new editor. It was a pain because I had edited a previous post before I knew what was going on - which explains why Blood Bease from Outer Space is out-of-order. Oh well, hope the "fix" I found will stick.

Anyway, I finally finished moving all my old comments from IMDb over to this blog. YES - ABOUT TIME!!! And I actually posted something new - my thoughts on the Poirot episode "Mrs. McGinty's Dead". I've watched a couple other movies recently that I may post something on - The Day of the Wolves (1973) - 7/10 and The Stranglers of Bombay (1959) - 7/10. Also, I recently finished watching the entire 10 season run of Stargate SG-1 and the five year run of Stargate: Atlantis. I might go back and re-watch a favorite episode or two and write a few comments.

B2

Blood Beast from Outer Space (1965)

2011-04-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

- Night Caller from Outer Space
A talky, but enjoyable little B&W sci-fi thriller, 6 December 2008

A strange orb is found in the outskirts of London. The orb is soon determined to be a matter transference device sent to Earth from one of Jupiter's moons. It seems this alien civilization is bent on sending one of their own to Earth, but for what purpose? When a string of 20+ young women goes missing, the orbs monstrous purpose becomes much clearer.

Night Caller from Outer Space is a rather talky, but enjoyable little B&W sci-fi thriller. Highlights for me include the mystery elements of the story from the first ¾ of the film's runtime, seeing John Saxon in such a decidedly British production, the unknown creature lurking in the shadows, and some outstanding cinematography (in fact, the film looks far better than it has any right to given it's obviously modest budget). The biggest weakness, unfortunately, comes in the final moments of the movie. The ending of Night Caller from Outer Space is such a let-down and non-event that it really takes away from everything that came before. As the movie ended, I sat in amazement and said to myself, "That's it? You've got to be kidding." It's a very lame payoff. Night Caller from Outer Space deserved better than that. Finally, Night Caller from Outer Space includes some really cool period shots of London at night from the mid-60s. I always get a kick out of that sort of thing.

6/10

Poirot "Mrs. McGinty's Dead" #11.1 (2008) (TV)

2011-04-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

"But I am afraid, Madame, that your female intuition; it has taken the day off.", 6 April 2011

James Bentley has been arrested, charged, tried, found guilty, and sentenced to hang for the bludgeoning death of Mrs. McGinty, a charwoman from whom James rented rooms. Almost immediately, however, the Superintendent in charge of the case starts to have doubts. He contacts his old friend, Hercule Poirot, to look into the matter. Poirot discovers that a crime committed long ago may have played a part in Mrs. McGinty's death. Has someone from the past come forward to commit murder? A couple of old photographs may hold the key.

It's hardly surprising I enjoyed this version of Mrs. McGinty's Dead so much. I've always enjoyed the book and I almost equally enjoyed this dramatization. It makes for a solid mystery plot. While it may not be entirely faithful to Agatha Christie's work, enough of the good stuff is still here. And really, what Christie adaptation could ever hope to be 100% faithful? The writing, the attention to detail, the cinematography, the lighting - all are what I've come to expect from the better episodes of the Poirot series. I've run out of superlatives to use when describing David Suchet. He's about as perfect for the role of Poirot as anyone could hope to be. Some of the other actors, including Zoe Wanamaker as the apple-eating Adrian Oliver and Mary Stockley as the uber-secretive Eve Carpenter also made significant impressions. Other than the botched and confusing handling of the pair of murderous backstories, Mrs. McGinty's Dead is about as good as I've seen in the entire series.

8/10

Jonny Quest "Terror Island" #1.24 (1965) (TV)

2011-03-17T06:05:00.000-07:00

Giant bugs run amuck, 12 March 2010

Jonny, Hadji, and Race are desperate to find Dr. Quest after he's been kidnapped. Dr. Quest has been taken to the secret lab of Dr. Chu Sing Ling – a scientist working on a secret formula that turns insects into giants. Dr. Ling wants Quest's assistance. Naturally, Dr. Quest refuses and faces the prospect of being fed to one of Dr. Ling's creations. Will the rest of the gang arrive in time to save Dr. Quest?

While Terror Island is reasonably fun and feels something like an homage to the 1950s era giant bug movies I love so much, for whatever reason, I don't care for this episode as much as some others. Sure, I enjoyed the rampaging giant bug action, but I have a couple of problems with Terror Island. First, this may sound silly when talking about Jonny Quest, but Terror Island lacks the "real" feeling I enjoy in other episodes. This one is sci-fi all the way - with an emphasis on the fi part. I can go along with all the spy stuff, the robots, and even the prehistoric creatures you usually find in Jonny Quest, but this episode pushes credibility too far. (Please remember, when I use words like "real" or "credibility", I'm using them in the context of the Jonny Quest world – not the world you and I live in.)

My second problem is with Dr. Ling's rather sketchy plan. I'm not sure he ever says why he's trying to create an army of giant insects – he just is. Even the most deranged of the Jonny Quest baddies has some sort of explanation for what they're up to. Again, it takes away from the realism (relatively speaking once again).

In the end, despite the problems I have with the episode, this is still Jonny Quest and its still fun. I'll give Terror Island a 6/10.

6/10

Jonny Quest "The House of Seven Gargoyles" #1.23 (1965) (TV)

2011-03-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

What an episode!, 11 March 2010

The Quest Team heads to the fjords of Norway to pay a visit to one of Dr. Quest's old friends, Dr. Ericson. Dr. Ericson has invented an anti-gravity device that may have drawn some unwanted attention. Even though no one will believe him, Jonny is sure he spotted a submarine in the nearby fjord. Next, once at Dr. Ericson's, Jonny is certain he's seen one of the stone gargoyles that guard the castle move. Again, no one believes him. Opinions on Jonny's eyesight change, however, when Dr. Ericson's discovery is stolen from the castle by foreign agents.

Based mostly on recollections from my childhood, there are what I would consider to be three iconic Jonny Quest episodes. These three episodes represent not only what I call the best of Jonny Quest, but they're filled with moments and images I'll never forget. The three episodes in question – The Curse of Anubis, The Robot Spy, and The House of Seven Gargoyles. I've already written about the first two, so now I'm on to third. To begin with, what a name – The House of Seven Gargoyles! How cool is that? It just evokes mystery and suspense. And what about the human gargoyle? I'll never forget the first time I saw this episode – it gave me chills for days. The image of the gargoyle coming to life and creeping through the castle corridors is the stuff of nightmares. Add to that clandestine meetings in a graveyard, spies in a submarine, and a stolen anti-gravity device and you've got one rock solid Jonny Quest episode. With no hesitation, I rate The House of Seven Gargoyles a 9/10.

Another thing that always creeps me out about this episode is the gargoyle Jonny is given in the final scene. Looking at the statue sitting between Jonny and Hadji in the backseat of the car, I'm always waiting for its eyes to open. Creepy stuff!

9/10

Swing Parade of 1946 (1946)

2011-03-17T05:57:00.000-07:00

Worse than I could have imagined, 10 March 2010

Fearing his father will have his nightclub closed down, club owner and singer Danny Warren (Phil Regan) goes to extremes to ensure no one is able to serve papers on him. In an effort to have the papers served, Papa Warren hires an attractive young woman named Carol Lawrence (Gale Storm) who might have more luck getting close to Danny. But Carol's more interested in pursuing her music – and love – than any old papers.

Deathly dull, Swing Parade of 1946 isn't so much a movie as it is a series of set-pieces and musical numbers held together by the most minimal plot thread imaginable. What little plot there is wouldn't fill 10 minutes of the movie's runtime. Instead, the film goes something like this – a little plot followed a bit from the Three Stooges followed by an excruciating, painfully long music number. Just repeat this pattern for 74 minutes. The Stooges are wasted and out-of-place repeating bits most fans will have seen a number of times previous. Regan and Storm are both too uninteresting to carry the film themselves. I know that, at least in the case of Gale Storm, she would go on to have a long career in entertainment, but it's difficult to imagine that after watching this movie. I never thought I would say this, but Edward Brophy actually comes out of Swing Parade of 1946 looking better than anyone else – well, anyone other than Louis Jordan. Jordan and his band are the film's real highlight. As for the rest, it's all 'lowlights". Unless you're just a fan of really bad musicals from the mid-1940s, I'd say skip this one altogether.

3/10

Jonny Quest "The Quetong Missile Mystery" #1.22 (1965) (TV)

2011-03-17T05:53:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it - an episode I've never seen!, 5 March 2010

While visiting some unnamed Southeast Asian country, Dr. Quest is asked by the local authorities to look into the strange happenings in the nearby Swamp Lake. None of the police patrols that have gone into the swamp have returned. What lurks in these murky waters? How about a band of ninja types guarding a secret missile installation. Things could get quite tricky for the Quest Team.

A few random things about The Quetong Missile Mystery:

- To my utter surprise and delight, I realized almost immediately that I had never seen The Quetong Missile Mystery. I'm not sure how I missed it either when I was younger or when I went through the episodes when I bought the DVDs. But how cool – a new episode!

- The bad guys in The Quetong Missile Mystery are great. The black clad ninja-types in the trees, the traitor Lt. Singh, and the head baddie General Fong are an impressive cast of villains. One of my favorite bits comes near the end when Gen. Fong barks the orders to catch and kill the Quest Team. You wouldn't see anything like that in today's overly PC cartoons. Fong is just awesome.

- I knew I recognized the voice of Commissioner Wah and was delighted to discover Keye Luke's name in the credits. How cool is it that Keye Luke provides some of the voices for this episode? To me, it's just about the coolest thing I've run across in a Jonny Quest episode. I know he did a lot of things, but as a huge fan of Charlie Chan, Keye Luke will always be #1 son Lee.

Overall, The Quetong Missile Mystery is another great installment in the Jonny Quest series. I'll give it an 8/10.

8/10

Jonny Quest "The Devil's Tower" #1.21 (1965) (TV)

2011-03-17T05:46:00.000-07:00

Von Duffel is as mad as a hatter, 5 March 2010

Dr. Quest and Race set out to retrieve a scientific balloon that has crashed atop an escarpment known as The Devil's Tower. Race leaves Dr. Quest and returns to camp to pick-up the boys. Back on top of the escarpment, Dr. Quest is no where to be found. Instead, Race, Jonny, and Hadji run into a tribe of cavemen. They also run into a Nazi war criminal known as Von Duffel who has been using the cavemen to mine a load of precious diamonds. Can the whole gang escape the mad Von Duffel or, using Race's plane, will Von Duffel make his own escape?

While not the greatest of episodes, The Devil's Tower is still highly entertaining. Von Duffel is as good a baddie as the Quest Team face in any episode. And by good, I mean he's so stark raving mad that he seems quite capable of anything. Von Duffel's appearance is also a highlight. His stark skeletal features are nicely drawn. He reminds me quite a bit of the Crypt Keeper in appearance. The only real weakness of the episode comes in the final chase scenes as Jonny and family attempt to escape while Von Duffel attacks from overhead in the plane. It's exciting and all, but it feels too much like the finale of an earlier Jonny Quest episode, Shadow of the Condor. Still, a quality entry in the series that I rate a 7/10.

7/10

Jonny Quest "The Invisible Monster" #1.20 (1965) (TV)

2011-03-16T22:25:00.000-07:00

Scared the pants off me as a child, 28 February 2010

Dr. Isaiah Norman, an old friend and colleague of Dr. Quest, calls with a frantic request for help. His latest experiment involving molecular energy has gotten out of control with devastating results. Somehow, Dr. Norman has created an invisible creature made of pure energy. It exists solely to consume more energy. The Quest Team quickly boards their plane to head off on another adventure. But will they get there in time to save Dr. Norman?

Finally, my run of bad luck with Jonny Quest is over. The Invisible Monster is one of those episodes that stands out. And why not? An effective monster, cool jet packs, and characters that actually die – it's got all the makings of a first rate Jonny Quest episode. It was the kind of episode that 40 years ago would have had my lights on all night. It was that scary! Watching today, I may have slept comfortably, but I can still recognize class when I see it. It's truly one of the most memorable of all of the Jonny Quest episodes. One thing I noticed looking at it today, the monster doesn't have the same polished appearance of the other artwork from Jonny Quest. It's a simple design with colors that change from frame to frame. But I guess with a creature made of molecular energy, you could do almost anything with it and it would look okay. And that solitary eye – creepy! And that noise – even creepier. I love it! The Invisible Monster easily gets an 8/10 from me.

8/10

The Strange Case of Doctor Rx (1942)

2011-03-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

Very little to recommend - even for fans of classic Universal horror, 25 February 2010

Private Detective Jerry Church (Patric Knowles) is asked to investigate the strange deaths of several recently acquitted men. The only clue is the mysterious calling card found on the body of each victim of a man known only as "Doctor Rx". Soon after taking the case, Church is on hand to see a man named Zarini acquitted, only to fall dead before he can leave the courtroom. To solve the series of murders, Church is kidnapped, his wife's life is threatened, and he is strapped to a table by Doctor Rx and prepped for an operation involving organ transplantation with a gorilla. Will Church survive this ordeal and unmask the killer?

As far as the classic Universal horror (and horror is used very loosely here) films of the 30s and 40s go, The Strange Case of Doctor Rx is about as bad as you'll run across. I place it at the bottom of the heap with the unfortunate She-Wolf of London. I described The Strange Case of Doctor Rx to a friend as a Charlie Chan movie without any of the charm or interest of a Charlie Chan movie. Knowles' Church doesn't make for a very effective or interesting lead. He's just too bland. Lionel Atwill is billed second, but he has so little screen-time you'll forget he's even in the film. And when Atwill is on screen, he's reduced to playing the role of the most embarrassing red herring I've ever run across. Gwynne is okay as the love interest / wife, but she can't save the film on her on. The highlights of the cast are Shemp Howard and, especially, Mantan Moreland. They have a scene together involving shooting dice that's laugh-out-loud funny. Moreland, as usual, steals most every scene in which he appears. Other weaknesses: the films plotting is plodding, the direction is pedestrian, the mystery isn't very mysterious, and the horror is pretty much missing altogether. As most everyone who has written about The Strange Case of Doctor Rx has pointed out, the one scene of real horror feels like it was cut from another film. Other than Moreland, the one bright spot worth mentioning is the "look" of the film. Like most other Universal pictures from this period, the movie looks like a million bucks. Overall, a very disappointing affair that I'll be generous to and give it a 4/10.

4/10

Jonny Quest "Attack of the Tree People" #1.19 (1965) (TV)

2011-03-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

A ruddy average episode, 25 February 2010

When compared with the previous three episodes, Attack of the Tree People isn't half bad. But, when compared with some of the better episodes of the Jonny Quest series, it doesn't look so good. In this one, after an accident at sea, Jonny and Hadji are separated from Dr. Quest and Race and end up in a thick, jungle type setting. The boys aren't alone for long as they are quickly befriended by a band of friendly apes. Unfortunately, there are also two gun-runners lurking nearby who see ransoming the boys as a way to make a quick buck. In the end, it's not Dr. Quest and Race who save the boys – instead, the apes save everyone.

Okay, first for the good – I really enjoyed the two would-be kidnappers, Silkey and Topper, and their thick cockney accents. The two sound like they're straight out of the chimney sweep scene in Mary Poppins. I think every sentence they utter includes the word "ruddy". As for the bad – look no further than the apes or "Tree People" of the episodes title. The fact that these wild apes act nothing like wild apes is just too silly. It might not have been so bad if there had been some explanation for their behavior, but there's nothing to indicate why these apes act as they do. The rest of the episode is pretty uneventful. As with the other recent episodes I've watched, there's nothing worth getting overly excited about. In the end, the best I can say about Attack of the Tree People is that it's a thoroughly average episode of an excellent series. A 5/10 seems about right.

5/10

Jonny Quest "Pirates from Below" #1.18 (1965) (TV)

2011-03-16T06:03:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of an awfully dry stretch, 25 February 2010

Dr. Quest newest invention is an underwater vehicle (sorry, I can't remember what they called it) that sort of rolls across the bottom of the ocean floor. The invention becomes the target of a group of baddies who want the vehicle for themselves to sell off to the highest bidder. Race and Jonny get mixed-up in the hijacking and it's up to Dr. Quest and Hadji to save the day.

I hate to have to give another Jonny Quest episode such a poor rating, but I don't have much choice. Pirates from Below just isn't that good and has very little to recommend. In a word, it's pretty dull. I've had similar problems with the previous two episodes. When I think about these three episodes, they all suffer the same weakness – the lack of a compelling or interesting villain or other threat. The pirates in this episode, the loggers in Werewolf of the Timberland, and the nondescript bad guys in The Fraudulent Volcano can't begin to compare with the spider-like robot of The Robot Spy, the threatening mummy from The Curse of Anubis, or the dragon pit found in Dragons of Ashida. Those episodes presented adversaries and situations that were suspenseful and frightening. I know things pick-up later on in the Jonny Quest series and there are some really good episodes to come, but right now, I'm in the middle of an awfully dry stretch.

4/10

Jonny Quest "Werewolf of the Timberland" #1.17 (1965) (TV)

2011-03-16T05:56:00.000-07:00

Another weak episode, 23 February 2010

Jonny Quest and family find themselves deep in the Canadian wood. They're terrorized by a group of baddies posing as loggers, but these guys are the least of the Quest Team's worries. Legend has it these woods are the hunting ground of a werewolf – or loup-garou. Fortunately, a mysterious figure known as White Feather and his wolf companion come to Jonny and Hadji's aid.

Considering Werewolf of the Timberland features a werewolf (at least a werewolf legend), it should be a lot more enjoyable. While I find it more entertaining that the previous episode, The Fraudulent Volcano, it's not by much. A couple of the problems I have with this episode include the character White Feather and the ineffective gang of French-Canadian baddies. I've never been much for the magical, mythical portrayals of Indians . . . err, Native Americans. You know, the talking to animals, moving like the wind - it's all a bit too much for me to take. As for the French-Canadian baddies, their so ineffective they're almost comical. And that werewolf costume – how bad does that look? And why do all Canadian bad guys have to have these impossibly ridiculous French accents? It's too silly!

5/10

The Girl from U.N.C.L.E. "The Mother Muffin Affair" #1.3 (1966) (TV)

2011-03-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

It's okay, but it should have been so much better, 21 February 2010

The one episode of The Girl from U.N.C.L.E. that should work, The Mother Muffin Affair, is disappointingly just barely better than average. How could it have missed? Stefanie Powers' April Dancer (and isn't that about the coolest name ever – April Dancer) teaming with Robert Vaughn's Napoleon Solo (okay, this is also a very cool name) and matching wits with Boris Karloff in drag as Mother Muffin. Sounds like a good set-up, huh? Well, it never works as good on screen as it does on paper. Why? The plot – or more accurately, the lack of a plot. You see, the plot revolves around Mother Muffin capturing April and Napoleon, their escape, followed by Mother Muffing capturing April and Napoleon, their escape, and on and on it goes. Nothing much else happens. I admit, it was real treat to see Karloff in the role of Mother Muffin. He's (or should that be "she's") a hoot! Other highlights for me include a very fine supporting performance from the very funny Bernard Fox and the always enjoyable Stefanie Powers (not much of a fan of Robert Vaughn if truth be known). Anyway, as I stated in the beginning of my rambling, The Mother Muffin Affair is better than average and, as a result, I'll give it a 6/10.

6/10

Charlie's Angels "Night of the Strangler" #1.3 (1976) (TV)

2011-03-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

"If he had been Robert Redford, I might have said 'defile away'.", 19 February 2010

The Angels go undercover in the world of fashion to ferret out a murderer known as the "Rag Doll Strangler". It may sound like pretty standard stuff for a Charlie's Angels episode, but for some reason, it doesn't work as well for me as most. It's okay – just nowhere near my favorite episode of the first season. This may be a lame explanation for my opinions on Night of the Strangler, but it's just not as much "fun" as many of the other episodes. It's one of the darker, more serious episodes you'll run across. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I watch Charlie's Angels for the fluff. Another thing that bothers me about Night of the Strangler is the killer's choice of weapons – a rag doll. How stupid is that? Using a rag doll looks like it would make a very awkward means of murder. And how hard must it have been to hide something so obvious and obtrusive as a rag doll? It's not as if a rag doll would be a common thing for a grown man to have in his possession. I'd have thought the police could have wrapped this one up in record time. Finally, I don't care for the casting of Richard Mulligan. He's an okay sort of actor, but I can't see him in the role of suspect to murder – at least unless it's all being played for laughs. Having said all that, I'm still rating this episode a 6/10. It's well made, features some real suspenseful moments, and, as always, the Angels are on hand to make it at least worth checking out.

As I re-watched Night of the Strangler last night, something occurred to me. I'm a huge fan of the Italian Gialli films so popular in the late 60s and early 70s. Night of the Strangler plays much like a Giallo. Many of the distinctive elements you'll find in those films are present in this episode – a twisted plot, suspects galore, red herrings at every corner, sexual perversions, a mysterious black-gloved killer, beautiful women, and unusual deaths. I wouldn't be overly surprised to learn that writers of Night of the Strangler had seen a few Gialli themselves.

6/10

Honey West "An Eerie, Airy, Thing" #1.30 (1966) (TV)

2011-03-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

Honey West ends on a high note, 19 February 2010

Nearing the end of my trip through the Honey West series, I had pretty much given up hope of seeing another "good" episode. After watching Honey and Sam battle a gorilla, chase a Robin Hood wannabe, fight a ridiculous looking robot, and see Honey in the worst gypsy disguise imaginable, Honey West had long since "jumped the shark" in my mind. Imagine my surprise and delight to discover the final episode, An Eerie, Airy, Thing, is one of the best of the entire series. First, the episode features real suspense. There is a real mystery here for Honey to get to the bottom of. There are unexpected twists and turns thrown at Honey and Sam. It's a very nicely written episode. Second, An Eerie, Airy, Thing has a much more serious (and welcome) tone than the episodes that immediately preceded it. Don't misunderstand, I love the campy feel, gadgets, and overall grooviness of some of the early episodes. However, toward the end, things had gone way too far. An Eerie, Airy, Thing brings it back to Earth for the series finale. A fitting end to a one of a kind series. I'll give An Eerie, Airy, Thing an 8/10.

8/10

Jonny Quest "The Fraudulent Volcano" #1.16

2011-03-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

A very weak episode with little of interest, 6 February 2010

The Quest Gang head off to some remote country (if they ever said a name, I missed it) to help the locals with a terrifying volcano. But as soon as Dr. Quest sees the volcano in action, he realizes something else is going on – something much more human in origin than natural.

A couple of years ago, I was on a pretty good pace to get through the entire Jonny Quest series and write a review on each episode. I stopped before I could do a write-up for The Fraudulent Volcano. It's such a dull episode with little going for it that I was sort of put off Jonny Quest. It's hard to get excited about the plot of this one. The volcano poses little real danger to the Quest family. And the bad guys and their ridiculous flying platforms aren't menacing enough to be effective. Sure, Dr. Zin makes a brief appearance, but he's safely thousands of miles away from the action. With little to recommend, I've got no choice but to rate The Fraudulent Volcano a disappointing 4/10.

The one highlight for me is the bad guy on the motor-scooter who looks just like Adolph Hitler. What's up with that? Makes me laugh every time I see him.

4/10

Honey West "The Fun-Fun Killer" #1.25 (1966) (TV)

2011-03-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

Is this the worst of Honey West? So far, the answer is "yes"., 5 February 2010

Up to this point, all of my comments on Honey West have been positive. How about an episode that's not so good? How about an episode that scraps the bottom of the barrel? How about an episode so stupid I can't think of another word to describe it other than "stupid"? With only a handful of episodes left to got, my vote for the worst goes to The Fun-Fun Killer (surely, none of the remaining five are as bad as this one). Lame with a capital "L". The plot is beyond ridiculous – a toymaker is killed in Honey's office by a robot gone wild. Honey and Sam check out the toy factor to try to unmask a killer. The biggest fault in The Fun-Fun Killer is with the robots. I don't see how anyone could get past how moronic these things look. They're the kind of robots you might see in a 1930s Flash Gordon serial – you know, square heads, square bodies, impossibly stiff legs and arms, and a slow, shuffling gate. The average garden snail is faster and more nimble than these things. Yet we're supposed to think these silver behemoths are capable of killing anyone? They'd have trouble catching a fire hydrant. Sam and Honey look silly "running" from these soup cans. The finale, complete with giant magnet labeled "Super Magnet", really puts this thing over-the-top and is really the last straw. A 3/10 from me.

3/10

Honey West "Like Visions and Omens... and All That Jazz" #1.21 (1966) (TV)

2011-03-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

I never expected to run across Mimsy Farmer in a Honey West episode, 5 February 2010

There are a number of things I could point to that make Like Visions and Omens...and All That Jazz one of my favorite Honey West episodes. First, I really dug the plot. While some people might say it's pretty standard stuff (a rich woman is blackmailed for a gun that she thinks her daughter used to kill an old flame), it's handled so nicely here. The writing is as good as I've seen in a Honey West episode. Second, Like Visions and Omens...and All That Jazz features some of the best imagery of the entire series. I've read comparisons between Honey West and The Avengers, and for the most part, I've only noticed some surface similarities – but that's it. But in this episode, some of the scenes look like they could have come straight out of The Avengers. Two examples – there's one great scene looking up past a skull to the contorted face of Faustini, The Predictor. It's beyond cool! The other example is a scene shot from outside a curtained window with only Faustini's silhouette visible. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but with his cape raised, the outline is very Lugosi-like. I loved it! The third thing I enjoyed about this episode is the cast. Ann Francis and John Ericson as good as ever. Nehemiah Persoff (another of the actors whose name you may not recognize, but I guarantee you'd know the face) is terrific as Faustini. But the highlight for me was the casting of Euro-genre favorite Mimsy Farmer as the girl who's life is in danger. Farmer appeared in a number of wonderful Italian films like Dario Argento's Four Flies on Grey Velvet and Lucio Fulci's The Black Cat. It's a treat to unexpectedly run across her in Honey West.

So overall, Like Visions and Omens...and All That Jazz is a very entertaining Honey West episode. If I have one complaint, it's with the rushed feeling of some of the scenes. If any Honey West episode screamed-out for a longer runtime, it's this one. There just so much here that it could have easily filled an hour.

8/10

Honey West "A Neat Little Package" #1.10 (1965) (TV)

2011-03-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

"Fights, knives, guns, hoods - boy, what a life!", 27 January 2010

A man with amnesia discovers he has a package containing $175,000 dollars in his possession and no idea where it came from. With a hotel key as their only real clue, Honey and Sam set out to solve the mystery.

What a fun episode! A Neat Little Package might not be perfect and it might not be my favorite episode, but there's no denying how entertaining it is. What's not to love – Honey goes undercover in an Asian restaurant (complete with long, dark hair), Sam has some great scenes while running the client's newsstand, and there's a final fight scene with Honey, Sam, and all the bad guys in knee deep water. It's a lot to pack into 25 minutes, but director Murray Golden makes it work. As I've written before, one of the cool things about Honey West is spotting all the familiar faces. A Neat Little Package features J. Pat O'Malley as amnesia victim Francis Grady. Who's J. Pat O'Malley I can hear you ask? I promise – if you're a fan of 60s/70s TV, you'd know him in a heartbeat if you saw his face. Just look up his credits – he was in everything. Overall, a solid effort that's worth at least the 7/10 I've given it.

7/10

Honey West "The Princess and the Paupers" #1.7 (1965) (TV)

2011-03-13T22:42:00.000-07:00

"Hey look, man, you go to your barber and I'll stay away from mine.", 22 January 2010

One of the cool things about watching Honey West is all of the familiar faces that pop-up in almost every episode. Whether it's Ray Danton or Leon Askin or Herb Edelman (you might not know the name, but trust me, you'd recognize the face), I have fun with each episode playing "Name the Character Actor". In The Princess and the Paupers, there's not one, but two faces that jumped out at me. Michael J. Pollard, who would go on to appear in a number of "bigger" things including Bonnie and Clyde, and Bobby Sherman, who would go on to be a teen heart throb, make appearances in this Honey West Episode. Pretty cool casting if you ask me. They play two thirds of a rock trio. Sherman, as Nicky Van, is kidnapped and his wealthy father is sent a ransom note. Honey and Company are hired to make the drop. But the kidnappers get greedy and ask for a second, larger amount of money. In addition to the two recognizable "faces" in the cast, The Princess and the Paupers features a fairly interesting plot with a couple of twists along the way. It's amazing how much you can pack into 25 minutes if you don't' worry about things like character development. Unfortunately, though, the final twist is too predictable and the end doesn't come as much of a surprise as I'm sure it was probably intended. Still, it's a fun episode with some circa 1965 pop music, the mod fashions, and that groovy hair. It's a real hoot. And the final scene with Honey gently dancing in her chair as Nicky Van plays some loopy pop song is a scream.

7/10

Honey West "The Swingin' Mrs. Jones" #1.1 (1965) (TV)

2011-03-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

"We've already done our worst.", 22 January 2010

The Swingin' Mrs. Jones provides a wonderful opening to the Honey West series. Other than Honey's sweet ride, everything else that made the series so watchable and so fun is here. In The Swingin' Mrs. Jones, Honey is hired by a wealthy widow who's being blackmailed over some indiscreet photos taken of her at a vacation resort. This being 1965, it all sounds so innocent – like maybe someone has something as scandalous as photos of the woman holding hands with a gentleman caller. Anyway, Honey goes undercover as a rich woman on the make in order to find the blackmailer. Highlights of this episode include – some pretty cool fight scenes, the old lady disguise, smoke bomb earrings, a microphone hidden in a martini olive (some of the gadgets in Honey West would make even James Bond envious), Sam's ridiculous cover as an obnoxious playboy named Touch, and the recurring theme of Honey getting conked on the head and knocked out. Another big highlight for me in The Swingin' Mrs. Jones is Ray Danton in the supporting cast. The man was as cool as a glass of iced tea in Antarctica. The man had a sense of style and a presence about him that few could match. Finally, while some may complain that Honey West's half-hour format kept things like plot and character development to a minimum, I really like the fast-paced, never-a-dull-moment feel to all of the episodes. It works for me.

8/10

Honey West "A Matter of Wife and Death" #1.4 (1965) (TV)

2011-03-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

I've only seen four episodes so far, but this is my favorite, 20 January 2010

Somewhere on the web (if I could remember where, I would give due credit), I read Honey West described as the "coolest show you've never seen". A more apt description I couldn't come up with no matter how hard I tried. Every thing from the gadgets to Bruce the ocelot to the hidden panel in Honey's office to the far-out spy plots is about as cool as you could find on this side of the Atlantic in 1965. But the best part of Honey West is easily Anne Francis. Instead of gushing on for several sentences, I'll just say "WOW"! I bought the Honey West DVD set when it first came out, but only got around to busting it open this week. I had originally planned to write a short review of each episode, but at 24 or so minutes, there's not a lot of ground to cover. That is until I watched A Matter of Wife and Death. Of the first four episodes in the series, this is by far the best.

Honey and Sam are hired to protect a woman named Maggie Lynch. It seems that someone wants her dead and, unfortunately, there are no shortage of suspects. I'm not going to give it away – instead, I'll just say that I had no idea where the plot was headed. There's some real mystery and suspense in A Matter of Wife and Death – no mean feat for a 24 minute television program. It's solid writing from Tony Barret that makes this episode work. Well, the writing and some well choreographed (well choreographed for Honey West, that is) fight scenes, a few funny moments from Aunt Meg, and Anne Francis anytime she's on screen. For anyone new to the series, A Matter of Wife and Death would make a good jumping-off point. I'll be generous and give it an 8/10.

8/10

Murders in the Zoo (1933)

2011-03-13T22:31:00.000-07:00

An unforgettable opening set-piece, 30 December 2009

There are very few films that I have waited as long to see as I have Murders in the Zoo. I've been aware of the movie for something like 40 years, but for whatever reason, just watched it for the first time a couple of nights ago. So, was it worth the wait? Overall, I'd say yes. The film features Lionel Atwill at his absolute best. He's an overly possessive husband willing to take the most extreme measures imaginable to deal with any man paying too much attention to his wife (played by the incredible Kathleen Burke). During his career, Atwill played a variety of mad characters, but few could top the decidedly evil Eric Gorman. The almost gleeful manner in which he toys with his intended victims – not unlike a cat "playing" with a mouse – is a joy to watch. You can all but see the psychosis in Atwill's eyes. And what Gorman does to his first victim is the stuff of classic horror movie legend. If you're an Atwill fan, this is one you don't want to miss.

Unfortunately, Murders in the Zoo is almost done-in by the ridiculously unfunny performance of Charles Ruggles. Ruggles, playing the worst sort of comic relief imaginable, actually managed to be higher billed and have more screen-time than Atwill. Whose idea what that? If the rest of Murders in the Zoo weren't so good, I could easily see dismissing the film based on Ruggles. He really is as bad and annoying as you've read.

7/10

The Bounty Killer (1967)

2011-03-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

- El precio de un hombre
One of Tomas Milian's best performances, 13 December 2009

As far as Euro-Westerns go, The Bounty Killer has about as straight forward a plot as you'll find. Jose Gomez (Tomas Milian) is a prisoner being moved by coach to a new facility to await his death. The citizens of his hometown see him as something of a hero and want to help him out. Gomez's would-be love interest Eden (Halina Zalewska) slips him a gun at one of the stage's stops. But is Gomez the same man the townsfolk remember? Or, as bounty hunter Luke Chilson (Richard Wyler) warns, has Gomez changed and no longer deserving of their admiration? The locals are about to find out as Gomez and his gang with the bounty hunter hot on his heels are headed straight for their sleepy little town.

It's not perfect by any means, but for fans of Euro-Westerns, there's a lot in The Bounty Killer to enjoy. First, and most obvious, is Tomas Milian. I don't know how many of these Westerns he made, but this was his first. And quite honestly, it may represent his best acting performance. The multi-dimensions and facets he's able to give his character, Jose Gomez, is nothing short of brilliant. Even though he's an escaped prisoner, Gomez is a character we initially root for. But slowly, he changes. Toward the end of the film, Milian has transformed Gomez into the kind of ruthless killer that a hangman's noose is too good for. And his final moments on screen, all I can say is "Wow!" It's an incredible performance. As for the rest of the cast, they're all more than adequate with the familiar face of Mario Brega, the beautiful face of Halina Zalewska, and the steady, unflinching face Richard Wyler as anti-hero Luke Chilson. It takes a while for Chilson to grow on you, but once he does it's easy to appreciate the character. In fact, it takes a while for all of The Bounty Killer to grow on you. The film starts out slow (very slow in fact), but be patient – the payoff is worth the wait. Looking back at the film, the pacing director Eugenio Martin gives to The Bounty Killer is one of the movie's assets – culminating with a final act that features plenty of fight scenes, shoot outs, and various other killings. Not as graphic as some of the later Euro-Westerns, there's enough violence to keep most everyone happy. The Spanish country side is beautifully filmed and provides just the gorgeous dusty setting I've come to look forward to in these films. Finally, Stelvio Cipriani's score, though often repetitive, is rousing and memorable. Overall, it's a job well done.

8/10

Untamed Youth (1957)

2011-03-13T19:22:00.000-07:00

2.0? Come on - it's better than that!, 11 December 2009

Untamed Youth is the story of a couple of sisters headed to California to make their fortunes in show business. Along the way, the pair are picked-up on a trumped-up charge and sentenced to serve 30 days hard labor on a cotton farm. The sisters aren't alone – the farm is teaming with young people who are little more than slave labor for the less than upstanding cotton plantation owner.

This early teen exploitation film is an absolute blast. The IMDb rating of 2.0 is criminally low. It's not perfect, but it is better than a 2.0 rating would indicate. I feel sorry for anyone who can't watch a movie like Untamed Youth and enjoy it for what it is. You can't take this stuff seriously. I suppose part of the reason behind the low rating is that Untamed Youth appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000. There are far too many people out there who foolishly assume that if a movie appeared on MST3K, it must be bad. That's just not the case. An interesting (albeit predictable) plot, Mamie Van Doren, rock-n-roll, a scandalous subplot involving unmarried pregnancy (racy stuff), the train-wreck of a relationship/marriage between the judge and the plantation owner that's impossible not to "enjoy", fights, dancing, a good baddie (John Russell is excellent), the always cute Lori Nelson, Eddie Cochran (though I admit he does very little for me), a sense of fun about the whole thing – it's one cool movie!

A few other thoughts – first, Mamie can't sing. Every song she belts out sounds just like the one before. Call me crazy, but I don't think she was hired for her vocal talents. Second, what was in that dog food they were feeding the kids? Must have been something good for them – pickin' cotton all day and rock-n-rolling all night. Third, it's hard to believe that Lori Nelson made this AFTER she made Revenge of the Creature. I would have thought that movie might have done more for her career. Third, Mamie in the shower – wow!

7/10

Giant from the Unknown (1958)

2011-03-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

"All white men die!", 24 November 2009

Local geologist Wayne Brooks (Ed Kemmer) teams up with visiting archaeologist Dr. Fredrick Cleveland (Morris Ankrum) to search the local mountains for the remains of a 300+ year old Spanish conquistador and a reputed giant of a man named Vargas. Another draw for Brooks is the opportunity to spend a little time with the Dr.'s vacuous but attractive daughter, Janet (Sally Fraser). The team is about to give up when Janet accidentally discovers a Spanish graveyard. But is there more here than helmets and breastplates? It's not long before the giant Vargas makes his return and sets his own sights on young Janet and anything else he can maim and destroy.

By all rights, I've most likely overrated Giant from the Unknown. It features a multitude of easily identifiable weaknesses – a plot that moves at the break-neck pace of a slug, the dim-witted Janet randomly stumbling on the Spanish artifacts, Sheriff Parker's beyond ridiculous persecution of Brooks (Why in God's name would anyone think that Brooks would be running around the country-side slaughtering cows and destroying hen houses?), Bob Steele's laughably bad performance as Parker, the whole notion of Vargas "living" in a sort of suspended animation for 350 years, and the poorly done special effects in the film's finale. Giant from the Unknown literally has everything you could hope to find in any regular bad movie. It would be easy to write it all off as badly made 50s junk, but for whatever reason and despite these many shortcomings, I found myself inexplicably enjoying the movie. Entertainment can be different from one person to the next. And, it's often difficult to put a finger on what you find entertaining in a movie. All I know is that for most of Giant from the Unknown, I was entertained. I went for the characters, I got a kick out of legend Jack Pierce's Vargas make-up, and I enjoyed the acting of Keemer and especially Ankrum. Ankrum is one of those actors who's good in everything I've seen him in. Sure, it takes some patience to get through the slow parts in Giant from the Unknown (and there are a bunch of 'em), but it's worth it. There's a good little movie here if you just look for it. Like I said, it's difficult to explain, but I'm giving this one a 6/10.

6/10

A Pistol for Ringo (1965)

2011-03-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

- Una pistola per Ringo
"Early to bed, early to rise, gets you shot between the eyes.", 30 October 2009

The leader of a band of Mexican outlaws is wounded as the group makes its getaway after a bank robbery. The bandits decide to hold-up at a nearby ranch. The outlaw leader, Sancho (Fernando Sancho), threatens to kill two hostages per day unless he and his gang are allowed passage to Mexico. The local sheriff feels hamstrung as he fears for the life of his girl, one of the hostages, if he makes a move against the bandits. Reluctantly, he turns to a prisoner he's holding, Ringo (Giuliano Gemma), for help. The plan – have Ringo, an outlaw himself, infiltrate the group and work from the inside to free the prisoners.

A Pistol for Ringo is an interesting and entertaining early Spaghetti Western. It's interesting to me because I look at it as something of a bridge between the traditional Hollywood Westerns and the Euro-Westerns just getting cranked-up in 1965. It's a mix of old and new. Old – costumes, the unrealistic portrayal of violence (no blood), and the lack of dirt (it always bugs me that no one in old Westerns ever gets dirty). New – the anti-hero, bandits like Sancho, the body count, and crazy plot points and twists. It's really cool to see these different elements blended into one movie like A Pistol for Ringo. As for entertaining, well it's just fun. Lighter feeling than some of the other early Spaghetti Westerns, A Pistol for Ringo has something of a playful tone to it despite the violence. The script is well written and includes many interesting pieces of dialogue – the bit about what makes men different in Texas being one of my favorites. The script also includes a well written, but heart wrenching, twist near the end that I really didn't see coming. It completely caught me off-guard. Director Duccio Tessari keeps things moving at a nice pace with lots of action, gun fights, and interesting set-pieces throughout. The acting is a real highlight. Gemma, Sancho, and the beautiful Susan Scott (Nieves Navarro) help make A Pistol for Ringo worth watching. Finally, there's Ennio Morricone's score. It's what I've come to expect from Morricone – wonderful

7/10

Teenage Zombies (1959)

2011-03-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

What a nothing movie!, 16 October 2009

An obvious attempt at cashing in on the success of I Was a Teenage Werewolf and even I Was a Teenage Frankenstein, Teenage Zombies is a complete disaster. It makes those other two movies look like masterworks in comparison. The problem – well there's really too many to mention, but at the top of the list is the lack of anything remotely interesting in the plot. What a nothing movie! I'm having trouble thinking of a movie that bored me quite as much as Teenage Zombies with its nothingness. Dull doesn't begin to describe it. The 70-something minute runtime was the longest hour and ten minutes I believe I've ever spent in my life. The title may evoke images of teenagers being turned into mindless zombies, but that never happens. Instead we see naturally mindless teenagers walking around an island, driving a boat, and trying to carry on conversations. Exciting, huh? The teens do run into a band of Communist types bent on world domination, but if this sad group of teens is able to take them down, they really never posed much of a threat. If the movie wasn't bad enough already, with about ten minutes to go and out of nowhere, the director decided to throw a gorilla into the proceedings. What was that all about? A desperation move that fails epically. And then there's the ludicrously bad acting, the often inappropriate music, the strange silent pauses at every turn, and the poor sets. No matter how you slice it, Teenage Zombies is one badly made, dull as dishwater movie.

1/10

Women of the Prehistoric Planet (1966)

2011-03-13T19:04:00.000-07:00

Women?, 27 September 2009

I'm sure some people will see my rating and think I've gone off the deep end on this one. Women of the Prehistoric World is another of those movies that gets points from me for entertainment value regardless of how bad it really is. And it's one of those cases where I can't really put my finger on what it is I like about it, I just know I had a good time watching the film. Because like most everyone else, I can see all the faults – bad special effects, a misleading title, ridiculous dialogue, annoying characters, cheap sets, poorly choreographed fight scenes, and (as someone else on IMDb has already rightly pointed out) almost no chemistry among the characters. Still, I found something in Women of the Prehistoric World that worked for me. A few examples:

- I enjoyed the scientific babble about space travel and time. I'm certainly no scientist, but it had an air of truth to it (at least the lines were delivered in an earnest enough manner that I bought it). The whole "three months in space equates to 18 years on the planet" bit is an interesting idea.

- I got a big kick out of the ending. I'm not going to give it away, but as cheap as it was, it worked on me. Caught me completely off guard.

- Despite the lack of a feeling of comrade between most of the characters, I still enjoyed many of the cast members. I don't know how many Wendell Corey fans there are out there, but I always like seeing him – slurred delivery and all. John Agar might not do much, but he's still a welcome face. Irene Tsu – Wow! Finally, Robert Ito probably gives the best performance of the bunch. I never realized how athletic looking he was. A far cry from his days on Quincy.

- As much as I hate the expression, maybe it's a case of a movie being "so bad, it's good". I do realize that a lot of the entertainment I found in the film was most likely unintentional. For example, I doubt that the set used for the spaceship crash was supposed to make me laugh, but it did. Okay, maybe I didn't laugh out loud, but it did bring a big fat smile to my face. And that's worth something, huh?

Most people who have seen or will see Women of the Prehistoric World won't enjoy it as much as I did, but that's okay. I feel comfortable with my 6/10 rating.

6/10

Journey to the Seventh Planet (1962)

2011-03-13T19:01:00.000-07:00

Would-be auteur Sidney Pink strikes again, 26 September 2009

Searching for life on another planet, a group of astronauts stumble on a virtual utopia when they arrive on Uranus. "Virtual" being the key word, however, as nothing is real. Uranus is inhabited by a strange creature capable of taking the thoughts of the astronauts and bringing their dreams and desires to life. But this being has plans beyond Uranus that include the conquest of Earth.

Journey to the Seventh Planet is a real mixed bag. Filmed in Denmark by would-be auteur Sidney Pink, Journey to the Seventh Planet has some interesting ideas behind its plot, but it suffers from poor execution. On the positive side, the idea of a creature that uses its victims' thoughts against them as a weapon might not be new, but here it's handled in an interesting manner. I liked the way the creature brings up childhood memories and crushes in an attempt to lull the head astronaut into a false sense of security. Or the way the creature keeps throwing woman after woman at the womanizer played by John Agar. Unfortunately though, the negatives far outweigh these positives. First there's Pink's weak direction. The film suffers from poor pacing and too many scenes with nothing much going on. I blame Pink's direction for making the movie un-fun (if that's a word). Second, there are the terrible special effects. Sometimes when watching a low budget movie like Journey to the Seventh Planet, I'll find the low budget effects charming. Not here. These are just low budget effects. Next, other than Agar, I'm not familiar with any of these Danish actors. But I feel somewhat confident that their anonymity is due to their acting ability and not their nationality. Also, I'm usually a John Agar fan and supporter, but Journey to the Seventh Planet might be one of his weakest performances I've seen. It's way below average for him. Finally, there's the dubbing. I've seen enough foreign genre films that dubbing usually doesn't bother me. But here, it's just weird. Everything seems exaggeratedly slow because of the bizarre sounding dubbing. Really distracting.

So, in summary – a few good ideas undone by poor production values, weak direction, below par acting, and lousy dubbing. A 4/10 is about the best I can give Journey to the Seventh Planet.

4/10

Get Smart (2008)

2011-03-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

"You heard me I have to 'squeeze the lemon'.", 23 September 2009

Overall, I found Get Smart a disappointing experience. I guess I should have known I'd have problems with the movie – I usually do with these old TV shows turned into movies. The problem generally is that the people responsible for the remakes have no clue about what made the original so good and enjoyable. And that's the case here. Maxwell Smart is the centerpiece of Get Smart. His bumbling antics are what made it funny. Anyone familiar with the television show will go into the movie with a preconceived notion of how Steve Carrell should play the character. But thanks to some poor writing and directing, Carrell's Maxwell Smart is all over the map. One minute he's a bumbling fool incapable of the most simple of tasks (like cutting the plastic strap binding his wrist when he has a knife) and the next he's suddenly a super-hero busting the chops of every bad guy in sight. It's not just inconsistent – it's downright annoying. Add to that the half-hearted way the writers threw in Don Adams' familiar catch phrases, the over-reliance on fat jokes, the lazy way action is used to replace real comedy, and a plot that is tired on one hand and nonsensical on the other and you end up with 110 minutes of wasted opportunity. That's not to say it's all bad. I did enjoy Anne Hathaway as Agent 99 and Alan Arkin as . . . well, as Alan Arkin. However, they aren't enough to save Get Smart. I should have gone with my instincts and avoided this one.

4/10

The Monolith Monsters (1957)

2011-03-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

"From infinity they come. Meteors!", 23 September 2009

The residents of the small California desert town are under attack. The fragments of a meteor that struck nearby the community of San Angelo possess the strange capability of growing to skyscraper proportions when activated by water. The alien monoliths crumble under their own weight, shattering into even more pieces capable of growing and destroying everything in their path. But the danger goes beyond the destruction caused by the falling rock formations. Any living being that comes into contact with the monoliths is turned into stone. It's up to geologist Dave Miller (Grant Williams) and a band of plucky locals to find a way to stop the threat to San Angelo and, ultimately, the world.

I just love these 1950s era Universal sci-fi/horror movies. They're so much fun to watch. From the steady, enjoyable cast (headlined by Grant Williams and Lola Albright) to the crisp, clean black and white cinematography to the familiar but effective stock monster music, The Monolith Monsters is the kind of movie that never fails to provide a great deal of entertainment value given its relative modest budget. I get a kick out of the number of Universal films from this era that take place in some small, remote South Western desert town like San Angelo (you can thank Jack Arnold for the desert setting). It's a perfect location or this kind of movie. The Monolith Monsters also features some nice special effects. I'm sure it was difficult task to make rocks look menacing. The scene where one towering rock formation after another rises from the desert floor and crushes a small farm is very effective. Another plus for The Monolith Monsters is the intelligent script (again, you can thank Jack Arnold for this). Sure, the movie is filled with a lot scientific mumbo-jumbo, but in this case, it actually has an air of believability to it. Finally, The Monolith Monsters benefits greatly from the steady hand of director John Sherwood. He may have only directed three movies, but he capably pulls all of the elements I've mentioned together with nice pacing and interesting camera shots to create a rock solid (pun intended) movie experience. Overall, it's a job well done.

7/10

Cotton Comes to Harlem (1970)

2011-03-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

"Now, we may have broken some heads, but we never broke no promises.", 18 September 2009

Gravedigger Jones and Coffin Ed Johnson are two black cops working out of a Harlem precinct. They've got their eyes on a minister promising his poor parishioners the opportunity to travel to Africa for $100. Jones and Johnson see Rev. Deke O'Malley for the scammer he really is. But things get complicated when, during a recruitment rally, the $87,000 the good Reverend has collected is stolen by armed bandits. The only clue about the money's whereabouts is that it's been hidden in a bale of cotton. Hot on the trail of the cotton bale are the mob, the police, Reverend O'Malley, a junk dealer, a militant black group, and just about everyone else in Harlem.

The first true blaxploitation movie (there seems to be some disagreement, but I'm not sure how you could go with Sweet Sweetback's Badasssss Song as it was released a year later), Cotton Comes to Harlem is wonderfully entertaining from start to finish. It's a non-stop comedic slice of life in Harlem in the early 1970s. The movie is filled with eclectic characters, unique set-pieces, interesting music choices, and real life locations you just can't replicate on a sound-stage. The plot has so much going on that it never gets old. Ossie Davis didn't direct many films, but he does an amazing job with this, his first, effort. It's a more professional looking product than many of the blaxploitation films that would come later. The acting is a highlight and is as good as I've ever seen in a movie of this type. Godfrey Cambridge gives a memorable performance as policeman Gravedigger Jones. Cambridge manages to be the standout in a strong cast. His partner, Raymond St. Jacques as Coffin Ed Johnson, is rock solid. The pair are joined by Calvin Lockhart, the stunning Judy Pace, Redd Foxx, and a slew of familiar faces. The comedy in Cotton Comes to Harlem has held up surprisingly well. Some of it might be considered un-PC in today's overly sensitive world, but I still found myself laughing along with many scenes. Overall, it's a well made movie that I fell no hesitation in rating an 8/10.

8/10

The Final Sacrifice (1990)

2011-03-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

"I'm Rowsdower... Zap Rowsdower.", 17 September 2009

While rummaging through his father's old stuff, a boy named Troy discovers a map that leads to an ancient civilization. Troy thinks the map may also lead to answers to his father's death. But there are other, darker forces at work. A cult bent on world domination wants to get hold of the map. With the help of a former cult member named Rowsdower, Troy hopes to get to the bottom of the mystery before he ends up like his father.

While I usually pride myself in being able to separate the two, in the case of The Final Sacrifice, it's really difficult to imagine watching the movie without the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary. The movie seems to have been tailor made for that type of ridicule and mockery. From Mike Pipper's Yosemite Sam-like voice to the over-weight Canadian guys in black hoods and tank top running through the woods to the nonsensical plot to the cardboard Ziox civilization – it's like shooting fish in a barrel – the riffs just can't miss. I've probably seen The Final Sacrifice a half-dozen or more times and I'm always astounded at the ineptitude of it all. Some things are so bizarre, however, that it leaves me scratching my head in wonderment:

• Zap Rowsdower? Really? You've got to be joking. The name, the actor, the character motivation – none of it makes the least bit of sense.

• Troy McGreggor? Again, you've got to be joking? I sincerely doubt you could find a punier or bonier looking guy to play the role. And that incessant whining of the name "Rowsdower". It makes me want to slap the guy every time he opens his mouth.

• Plot coincidences. Can you write a plot with more unrealistic and unfathomable plot coincidences? Take the bad guys timing in coming after Troy. The map has been sitting undiscovered in Troy's attic for seven years. That's right – SEVEN years. But the moment Troy discovers the map, the bad guys immediately show up on his doorstep. Yeah, right. Or take Troy's chance meeting of Rowsdower. Of all the trashy, redneck pick-up trucks in Canada, what are the chances Troy would pick one to climb in that just happens to be owned by a former member of the cult that's chasing him? Not very likely.

• Is Canada really that desolate of a place? Troy's aunt's house appears to be in a neighborhood of some sort. Is there no one around to notice that something's amiss when hooded goons take a chainsaw to her front door? Does no one notice a band of thugs chasing Troy on his bike? And why doesn't someone notice the shootout Rowsdower and the cult members have on the highway? Is this kind of activity normal in Canada?

This is too easy and I've barely scratched the surface. I haven't mentioned the lousy technical aspects of the film, the amateurish acting, the poor special effects, or the ridiculous music score. The Final Sacrifice has it all and none of it is good. Because of some unintentional entertainment value I derive from the film, I can't rate it any lower than a 2/10. But as far as MST3K episodes goes, it makes for one of the best. I'll give that version a 5/5 on my MST3K rating scale. Enjoy.

2/10

Friday the 13th (2009)

2011-03-13T18:34:00.000-07:00

"Jason. My special, special boy.", 16 September 2009

I've been a fan of Friday the 13th films for about as long as they've been making Friday the 13th films. I don't much care for some of the more recent entries to the series (for example, I loathe both Freddy vs Jason and Jason X), but I've always had a good time with the earlier movies in the series. In fact, one of my favorite movie-going experiences involves the Friday the 13th films. I can fondly remember back in the 80s going to the local drive-in one night in a driving thunderstorm to watch parts 1-4. What fun! So with a bit of apprehension, I finally decided to take the plunge and check out this new re-imaging.

So how was it? My rating might not indicate it, but the new Friday the 13th wasn't as bad as I had feared. The movie has its fair share of problems (I'll get to some of the more heinous in a moment), but at least I found most of it entertaining. Good action, some imaginative kill scenes, and a few new ideas that actually worked made the movie worth checking out. And as I've written repeatedly in my movie comments, entertainment is the single biggest factor for me when it comes to rating a movie.

But like I said, I had my problems with the movie. I'm not going to go into detail, just a laundry list: the new, smart Jason who apparently is a licensed electrician; the reliance on sudden, very loud music to frighten the audience; the large, lumbering Jason moving with the stealth of a ninja (Are we really supposed to believe he climbed on the roof of that house in seconds with no one inside hearing anything?); the really underwhelming scene where Jason discovers the iconic hockey mask; the absence of the normal, recognizable Friday the 13th music; characters that are actually more annoying than any in the original films (I couldn't wait to see a couple die); Jason taking prisoners; the finale where the two survivors inexplicably drag Jason's body to the boat dock and throw it into the lake; technical aspects like the overuse of shaky cam and the underuse of lighting; the abysmal acting (Jared Padalecki being the exception); and the scene where Jason hangs the girl in the sleeping bag over the fire and roasts her alive is totally out of character with . . . well, totally out of character with the character.

I could go on and on listing things in the movie that bothered me, but really, what's the point. Friday the 13th is what it is, a reasonably entertaining piece of junk cinema that was never meant to test anyone's intelligence. So despite the many problems with the movie I've enumerated, a 6/10 seems about right.

6/10

The Pirates of Blood River (1962)

2011-03-13T18:27:00.000-07:00

Pirates without a ship?, 13 September 2009

Pirates of Blood River has to be the only pirate movie I can remember watching that takes place entirely on land. Okay, there is a shot of a random ship at sea, but that's it – no raising the sails, no skull and cross bones atop a mast, no walking the plank, no cannons firing at the King's galley, no shark infested waters, etc. I suppose you could argue that some of the action does take place in a river, but to my way of thinking, a four foot deep spit of water that the cast spends less than five minutes in hardly qualifies. This being Hammer, it's a pretty safe bet that a full-fledged pirate ship would have cost more coin than the studio was willing to put up. However, even if these aren't your traditional pirates, that doesn't mean the movie isn't enjoyable, because I had quite a good time with it. Screenwriters John Hunter and John Gilling have thrown just about everything you can think of into the movie. The plot is all over the place and never gets old or tiring. The story involves a band of pirates that attack a Puritan-like village in search of gold. In addition to this rather simple outline, the movie includes a hard labor penal colony complete with emaciated old guys with sledge hammers and wagon loads of rock, a river full of piranha, a father who finds his son guilty of adultery and all but condemns him to death, two pirates fighting with swords while blindfolded, and a series of booby traps the villagers spring on the pirates. Gilling, who is also the director, keeps things moving at a nice pace. It's a lot of fun from start to finish. The cast is first rate – in fact, it's one of the best casts Hammer ever assembled, especially given the film's modest budget. Christopher Lee is as menacing as ever in the role of pirate chief LaRoche. I really got a kick out of his French accent. Kerwin Matthews is the male lead on the good guys side. He's more than capable in the role. Badass Oliver Reed is also on hand, though his role is limited. Also in the cast are Hammer regulars Andrew Keir and Michael Ripper, James Bond regular Desmond Llewelyn, Glen Corbett (easily the weakest link in the cast), Peter Arne, Marla Landi and other recognizable faces. Overall, Pirates of Blood River is miles from Hammer's normal output, but in this case, that's not such a bad thing. I'll give it a 7/10.

7/10

The Girl in Lovers Lane (1960)

2011-03-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

"Pa doesn't know much about girls' clothes.", 11 September 2009

The Girl in Lovers Lane is one strange little low-budget film. On its surface, the movie tells the story of a tough drifter named Bix (Brett Halsey) who spends his time looking out for a young kid named Danny (Lowell Brown) and the girl, Carrie (Joyce Meadows), that Bix meets who would like to look out for him. Nothing overly interesting happens (Bix goes out with Carrie, Bix gets Danny out of trouble, Carrie's father drinks a lot, etc.) until about 10 minutes to go in the movie when Carrie is murdered. Her father blames Bix, pulls him out of a jail cell, and just about beats him to death. Now their roles are reversed and Danny has to save Bix.

Until I read the reviews on IMDb, I thought that maybe it was just me reading more into Bix and Danny's relationship than was really there, but I see now that I'm not alone. It was quite obvious to me early on that Bix and Danny had more of a relationship than you usually see in a movie from 1959. The homosexual nature of their relationship, while never openly expressed, is still quite obvious. Their living and sleeping arrangements, Bix's reaction to finding Danny in bed with a prostitute, Bix's inability to commit to Carrie, and that phone call at the end when Danny tells his parents he's "brining home a friend are a few examples of moments that lead to the inevitable conclusion that there's more to their relationship than initially meets the eye. I'm sure they exist, but I can't think of any movies I've seen from the 50s that scream homosexual quite as loudly as this one.

As for the movie, I don't know any other way to put this – it's boring. As I wrote earlier, nothing much at all happens for 90% of the run time. The characters are dull and the actors aren't good enough to give The Girl in Lovers Lane much of a spark. The lone exception is Jack Elam. His crazy Jesse is the one character interesting enough to be worth watching. Elam had creepy down pat! But I guess the biggest problem I had with the movie was with character motivation and logic. Carrie is killed and Bix is immediately blamed? What about crazy Jesse who has been stalking Carrie for probably her whole life? Anyone think to ask Jesse where he was that night? Her father has seen him bother Carrie at the diner, yet he never considers that the leering Jesse might have something to do with his daughter's death? Not a lot of logic there. And what about Jesse's confession? Danny grabs Jesse by the lapel and this is all it takes to force a confession out of Jesse? Real tough guy, huh? Why would he confess so easily? And after he confesses, no one thinks to grab him? It's awfully nice of Jesse just to stay put and not run off. In any other reality, he would have never spilled his guts and would have run like a rabbit if he had been fingered for the murder. The fact that The Girl in Lovers Lane asks me to accept these ridiculous actions on the part of the characters is something I'm not willing to do. Overall, I'm giving The Girl in Lovers Lane a 4/10.

4/10

Gamera vs. Barugon (1966)

2011-03-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

- Daikaijû kettô: Gamera tai Barugon
Better than the usual Gamera offering, 8 September 2009

A would be jewel thief thinks he's made it big when he gets his hands on the biggest opal he's ever seen. Unfortunately for the thief (and everyone else in Japan), it's not really an opal. Instead, it's a monster's egg – Barugon to be exact. Barugon hatches and begins a reign of terror across Japan. Different theories on how to stop the creature are tested, but to no avail. Just when things seem their bleakest, Gamera shows up and takes care of the situation.

A number of comments on IMDb proclaim that Gamera vs. Barugon is the best of the early Gamera films. While I agree, it's a bit like saying I prefer a tooth ache to a root canal– neither is something I want to experience on a regular basis. In all seriousness, it's not a bad movie, it's just not a very good one. Even with their best effort, Daiei could never match Toho. Daiei's monsters look cheap and clumsy compared with Toho's. And what's up with Barugon shooting a rainbow ray out of his butt? Completely ridiculous. And the final showdown between Gamera and Barugon is way too short. Toho would have been sure this fight scene took up the major portion of the movie.

Still, like I said, Gamera vs. Barugon is better than the usual Gamera offering. Why? Well, for one thing, Gamera is really more like a bit player in the movie. I never cared for Gamera's design so the less of Gamera the better. Next, Gamera vs. Barugon is actually a reasonably intelligent movie with a somewhat interesting subplot involving the jewel thief. I realize intelligence in a Gamera movie is relative, but at least this one doesn't include the usual gaggle of small Japanese kids exclaiming, "Gamera is the friend of all children!" I never quite understood how a monster that destroyed half of Japan goes on to be every child's best friend. Finally, I actually enjoyed some of the acting in Gamera vs. Barugon. Both leads, Kojior Hongo and especially the striking Kyoko Enami give nice performances.

For what it's worth, a 5/10 is the best I can do.

5/10

Redneck (1973)

2011-03-13T12:30:00.000-07:00

- Senza ragione
A real disappointment, 7 September 2009

Definitely not your typical Polizia, Redneck just never worked for me. The movie tells the story of a jewel heist gone wrong and a young boy who is inadvertently kidnapped in the process. In their attempt to get away, the robbers leave a bloody trail of death in their wake as they hatch a plan to ransom the boy. The plan is never carried off as the robbers are more intent on getting to France and the boy is intent on staying with them. While I could cite a number of problems I had with the movie, I'll focus on the most obvious – the character Memphis played by Telly Savalas. From his work in The Dirty Dozen and Kelley's Heroes to other Italian films like Crime Boss to his most remembered role as Kojak, Savalas was a winner. I've always thought of him as one uber-cool customer. Unfortunately, Savalas is almost unwatchable in Redneck. Did the director turn on the camera and instruct him to act as psychotic as possible? It might not have been too bad had his actions been done within the context of a plot I cared about, but here he seems to be acting bizarre for sake of being bizarre. It's appears to be random lunacy. And what's with that accent? Savalas might have been a lot of things, but Southern isn't one of them. He sounds completely ridiculous even attempting the accent. Beyond that, I found little of interest in the rest of the movie. As I indicated, the plot never drew me in. I just didn't care about what was going on. And the notion that the boy is so quickly attracted to the criminal lifestyle doesn't ring true. As for the other actors, Mark Lester is almost as bad as Savalas and the usually reliable Franco Nero isn't a whole lot better. Three "name" actors and not a good performance between them. To make matters worse, I believe the director filmed many of the night scenes with nothing more than the glow from his watch to light the shots. I couldn't tell what was going on. Characters I hate, a plot I don't care about, and a production values that failed – little wonder I've given Redneck a 3/10.

3/10

She (1965)

2011-03-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

She Who Bored Me, 7 September 2009

She is set in Palestine circa 1918. British archaeologist Holly (Peter Cushing) and his two buddies are given a map to the lost city of Kuma. After a long and arduous journey, they discover Kuma and meet a mysterious, beautiful woman known only as She Who Must Be Obeyed. She has been alive for 2,000 years, waiting for the return of her true love. She believes that Holly's pal, Leo, is her long lost love. Her plan is to have Leo jump through the flame of eternal life so that the two can be together forever.

I really thought I was going to like this one, but it's just too blankety-blank-blank dull for my liking. The movie has it's moments, but overall it's about as exciting as watching grass grow or paint dry or any other old cliché you can think of to describe something this wretchedly uninteresting. I suppose that the last act is reasonably entertaining, but the rest is a chore to sit through. Take that "exciting" trek across the desert for example. Wow – there are more thrills in watching snails race. Top-billed Ursula Andress may have been a beautiful woman, but she exhibits no screen presence and even less acting ability. I was much more impressed with the servant girl Ustane played by Rosenda Monteros. That's who Leo should have jumped through the fire with. Cushing is Cushing – always the professional and always watchable. I'll also admit that I did get a few chuckles out of the very British and very proper valet Job (Bernard Cribbins). Speaking of chuckles, what was up with Christopher Lee and his increasingly ludicrous head-wear? By the end of the film, how could you not laugh at the pineapple looking headpiece he was wearing? The film's score didn't help matters much at all. Its monotony only serves to add a sense of lethargy to She – something the movie really doesn't need. Finally, I know Hammer often did wonders with small budgets and I'm usually willing to overlook some of these budget related weaknesses, but She has some terribly atrocious looking matte paintings. My son could have done better with a box of 64 Crayolas. Overall, I much prefer the 1935 version of She with Randolph Scott. It's not perfect, but it's not as dull as this one. A 4/10 from me.

4/10

Five for Hell (1969)

2011-03-13T12:22:00.000-07:00

- 5 per l'inferno
Relax and don't take it so seriously, 6 September 2009

The plot of Five for Hell isn't anything overly original. Those who have seen The Dirty Dozen or The Inglorious Bastards (the best of these over-the-top Italian war movies) will find things very familiar. A group of five American GIs are sent behind enemy lines to obtain a copy of Nazi battle plans stored in the safe of a heavily guarded villa. The GIs have help on the inside in the form of a double-agent named Helga (played by the ludicrously gorgeous Margaret Lee). Her main objective is to keep SS Col. Hans Mueller (the great Klaus Kinski) otherwise occupied. Meanwhile, Lt. Hoffman (Sartana himself – Gianni Garko) and his men make their way to the villa, open the safe, and battle their way back to safety. It's very simple, but nicely put together.

After reading reviews for Five for Hell on IMDb and around the internet, I think there are a bunch of people who have forgotten how to have fun watching a movie. That's what I did with Five for Hell – I had fun. Forget realism, forget history, forget the normal conventions of a good movie – this is classic Italian genre cinema. Just relax, don't take things too seriously, and go with it. A few familiar actors (Lee, Kinski, Garko, Sal Borgese, Luciano Rossi), a catchy soundtrack (I dare you to get that main theme out of your head), bad dubbing (I've gotten so used to this by now, it doesn't phase me), a gimmick or two for interest (exploding baseballs and a crazy trampoline), over-the-top action (the final 15 minutes are just one big machine gun fight), a really rotten bad guy to root against (Kinski at his evil best), and a beautiful woman (I think I've already expressed my feelings about Margaret Lee). Yep – Five for Hell's got it all.

7/10

The Deadly and the Beautiful (1973)

2011-03-12T22:12:00.000-08:00

- Wonder Women
"Lady, aren't you a little tired of playing God?", 6 September 2009

Dr. Tsu (Nancy Kwan) has set up a secret research facility on an island where she has mastered various transplant techniques. She boasts she can transplant any part of the body – yes, that's right, ANY part. For a hefty sum of money, she offers the wealthy a chance for immortality by placing their brains into the body of a young, virile athlete. Her island fortress is guarded by an army of beautiful, but deadly women who also work to procure the doctor her healthy subjects. Her latest acquisition, a local jai-alai player, unwittingly draws the interest of an insurance investigator from Lloyd's of London who had a policy on the young man. In turn, he hires former CIA agent Mike Harber (Ross Hagen) to investigate. Before you can say "Ross Hagen produced this thing so you know he's going to come out looking good in the end", Harber is taken prisoner by Dr. Tsu and given the long, overly drawn out explanation of her work and her plans. In the end, Harber's powers of seduction have been enough to turn one of the women against Dr. Tsu and he escapes with the jai-alai player. The end.

What a wild piece of 70s trash! While not good in any traditional sense, that's never stopped me from enjoying a movie. There are, however, three things you ought to know before watching The Deadly and the Beautiful (or Wonder Women as it's sometimes known): it's a cheaply made Filipino film, it's got a gaggle of scantily clad beauties, and it was produced by and stars Ross Hagen. The cheap/Filipino thing doesn't really bother me. It's probably part of what makes the movie so unique. And you've just got to love the 70s porn-inspired soundtrack. Too funny. The gaggle of scantily clad beauties – I'm not going to complain about that either. Though I must admit I did laugh out loud watching the army of women with every weapon imaginable set out into the jungle wearing what amounted to the most inappropriately imaginable short chiffon mini-nightgowns. I don't think nighties are standard issue for any other army in the world. And their style of hand-to-hand combat must be seen to be believed. I've heard of all sorts of styles or martial arts fighting, but nothing quite describes the gyrations performed by Roberta Collins. Finally, I'm left with Ross Hagen. The man just has a way of turning my stomach. He reminds me a bit of a B-movie version of Chad Everett with none of the acting ability. He spends the entire movie either looking half-asleep and disinterested or ogling the women he's supposed to be fighting. There is one brief scene with Hagen that's an absolute scream. He's following the Dr. Tsu down a staircase in what can only be described as full-on flounce mode. You know, ridiculous expression on his face, arms bent at the elbow and wrist, and legs doing sort of a trot – looks a bit like he's auditioning for a part in the Village People. Too funny. And then there's the scene where Ross gets to do something called "brain sex" with Nancy Kwan. Just about lost my lunch watching Ross' faux-orgasmic squirm on that vinyl seat. Yuck!

Oh yes, as for the movie – it is what it is – a cheap piece of 70s exploitation junk that's worth a watch if you're into that sort of thing. For me, I had a great time with it. It was also cool to see Sid Haig in a different sort of role (I just realized that I have no idea what happened to his character). For all the wrong reasons, I'll give The Deadly and the Beautiful a 7/10.

7/10

Murderers' Row (1966)

2011-03-12T22:09:00.000-08:00

"Come along, Julian. Maybe we can find somebody for you to run over on the way home.", 5 September 2009

Dean Martin's back for a second spin as Matt Helm in Murderers' Row. In this one, Helm sets out to track down a missing scientist being held captive by the evil (and hysterical) Julian Wall (Karl Malden) – a man bent on world domination. His plan is to use the scientist's ray (I can't remember what kind of ray, but does it really matter?) to destroy Washington D.C. Helping Helm is the scientist's swinging daughter, Suzie (Ann-Margaret).

Almost everything I wrote in my comment for The Silencers applies to Murderers' Row. The bit about the plot not mattering – even more so in this case. The notion of Dean Martin playing Dean Martin – again, nothing could be truer. Dino surrounded by beautiful women - Ann-Margaret is a knock-out in Murderers' Row. The booze, the jokes, the gadgets, etc. – it's all here. The best part is that once again it's all handled in a breezy, easy manner that makes watching Murderers' Row a lot of fun. I don't know that I enjoyed it quite as much as The Silencers, but I did find it entertaining. The best bits include: watching Dino try to keep up with the over-the-top dancing of Ann-Margaret, Karl Malden (his performance as the villain is the one thing about Murderers' Row that is actually better than The Silencers), Ann-Margaret's groovy wardrobe, and Helm's freeze and delayed firing guns. What un-PC fun! My advice – if you plan to sit down and check out Murderers' Row (or any of the Matt Helm films for that matter), remember to take things about as seriously as the people who made the movie did (and that's not at all) and you just might enjoy it.

6/10

The Silencers (1966)

2011-03-12T22:03:00.000-08:00

"The soap, please, Miss Kravezit.", 4 September 2009

If you're looking for a film that takes a serious look at espionage, look someplace else. But if you're looking for light, breezy, non-PC entertainment with just enough spy stuff to keep things interesting and the thought of Dean Martin the playboy doesn't turn your stomach, The Silencers might be the movie for you. With a lot of movies I write about, I start out by saying that the plot doesn't matter. Well, with The Silencers, it really doesn't matter. But for those keeping score at home, Matt Helm, an agent for I.C.E. (the good guys), is sent out to put a stop to Big O's (the bad guys) plan to start WWIII. Big O's plan is to sabotage a rocket, send it hurdling into a nuclear test site, and make it look like the Russians did it. Why? I'm not sure anymore because, like I said, the plot doesn't matter. Instead, you watch a Matt Helm film to see how much booze Dino will drink, how many bad guys he'll shoot, and how many beautiful women he'll seduce (and the answer to all these questions in The Silencers is a bunch). On another website I read where someone described Dino's Matt Helm as the original Austin Powers – and that's a pretty fair assessment. But in Helm's case, the pervy secret agent shtick actually works for him.

Anyway, if you're a fan of Dean Martin's 1960s public persona, you'll most likely enjoy The Silencers. He sleepwalks through most of the movie, but then again, he did the same pretty much through the whole decade. Joining Martin are a trio of beauties – Stella Stevens, Daliah Lavi, and Cyd Charisse (whose screen-time is way too limited). I can't really pick one who stands out as they're all a lot of fun and bring their own unique talents to the movie. Victor Buono, complete with yellow-face (I told you the movie was terribly un-PC), is on hand to play the leader of Big O. It's this cast that makes The Silencers so entertaining and worth watching. Add to the cast some off-the-wall gadgets, cool (but cheap) sets, and a few nice fight scenes, and you've got a James Bond spoof worth checking out. A couple of scenes that I always get a kick out of include: watching Martin and Stevens polish off a bottle of liquor while driving (again, very un-PC), Stevens with the rear-firing gun, and Matt Helms morning routine including coffee and bubble bath with secretary Lovey Kravezit. I have no problem rating The Silencers a 7/10.

7/10

The Pumaman (1980)

2011-03-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

- L'uomo puma
"You cannot escape me!", 3 September 2009

As I've said before, you've just got to love those wacky Italians and some of their wacky cinematic "achievements". The Puma Man (or The Pumaman as the title card indicates) tells the story of Professor Tony Farms (Walter George Alton) who reluctantly accepts his superhero birthright. A direct descendant of extraterrestrials, he is given the power of the puma (Until I watched this movie, I had no idea that pumas could fly? Who knew?) so that he might defend the secrets of the Aztecs. One of those secrets, a golden mask that grants its possessor the power of mind control, has been stolen by the evil Kobras (Donald Pleasance). With his Aztec guide Vadinho (Miguel Angel Fuentes), The Puma Man must put a stop to Kobras' plans of world domination.

It might be screwy, but I can't help but enjoy parts of The Puma Man. The movie comes across like a twisted, no-budget mix of Superman and the U.S. television series "The Greatest American Hero". From the superhero costume that includes brown slacks straight off the rack at Sears to the poorly done rear projection special effects to the repetitive (but admittedly catchy) Casio keyboard soundtrack to the Christmas ornament-like space ship, it's obvious that the budget on The Puma Man was less that what I spent on dinner last night. But the odd thing is, regardless of how cheap looking most of the movie is, it's got a charm to it that money can't buy. And while that doesn't necessarily make The Puma Man a great movie or anything, on occasion the movie overcomes its many faults (or it might be because of these faults) and is often quite fun. The acting isn't much to write home about. Pleasance proves he could be a scene-chewer without equal. His insistence on pronouncing "puma" as "pyuma" is hysterical. Our would-be hero, Alton, is generally ineffectual. The female lead, played by Sydne Rome, while reasonably attractive, doesn't display much in the way of acting skills either. Still, given the material they're given to work with, the entire cast is serviceable. But probably the best thing I can say about The Puma Man is that it's not dull. In fact, it's well paced and generally entertaining throughout its runtime. And as I've argued so many times, entertainment is the single most important thing to me when watching movies.

Compared with most everyone else on IMDb, my rating for The Puma Man sticks out like a sore thumb. Maybe I enjoy it for all the wrong reasons, but whatever it is, I do enjoy it.

5/10

A View to a Kill (1985)

2011-03-12T21:51:00.000-08:00

"Hello. My name is James St. John Smythe. I'm English.", 2 September 2009

As a rule, I love James Bond movies. I was born the year after Dr. No was released, so I've kind of grown up with the series. As a kid in the 70s, some of my fondest movie related memories are of those Sunday nights that ABC would air a Bond movie. I couldn't wait to see the car chases, the gadgets, the fight scenes, and the over-the-top villains. It was a great time. That's why it pains me to rate A View to a Kill as low as I do. While there are a few James Bond movies that I have problems with, this is really the only one in the entire series that I would call a bad movie. In fact, I can't think of a single positive thing to write. Watching A View to a Kill last night was akin to nails on a chalk board. Everything about the movie scrapes the proverbial bottom of the James Bond barrel:

• Roger Moore – I'm not a Roger Moore hater, but by the time he made A View to a Kill, he was way too old to pull it off. He looks absolutely ridiculous romancing the young hotties. And that dye job – it's the worst.

• The Bond Girls – Some Bond girls are better than others, but there are none as bad as the two in A View to a Kill. Grace Jones – she's got to be the most unattractive female to ever appear in a Bond movie. Who in the world ever thought she was sexy? If I saw anymore of her backside, I think I might have ripped my eyes out. Tanya Roberts – she probably the worst actress to ever appear in a Bond movie. Imagining her as a geologist is about as silly as picturing Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist (oh wait, she did play a nuclear scientist in a Bond movie). And if Tanya had whined the world "James" one more time, I think I might have ripped my ears off.

• Christopher Walken – Don't misunderstand, I like Christopher Walken. But could he have looked any more foolish than he does with blond hair? Why did they have to do that?

• The Plot – I've got two problems with the film's plot. First, the whole idea of flooding Silicon Valley is beyond stupid. I don't see how it would have accomplished much of anything. Wouldn't companies have just gone elsewhere to produce their computer chips? Second, can someone please explain to me what the steroid injected horses in the first half of the movie have to do with the flooding Silicon Valley plot of the second half of the movie? It's like the entire first hour of the movie was little more than padding.

I could go on and on (Duran Duran's crappy title song, the use of rear projection anytime Roger Moore is supposed to be doing anything physical, the all too obvious stunt doubles, the groan inducing quips, the fire truck chase, the film's title being forced into the dialogue, Q as a peeping tom, etc.), but I'll stop there. You get the idea – I don't like A View to a Kill. In fact, with each successive viewing, I like it less and less. I'm at the point now where I pretty much hate it and doubt I'll ever give it another chance. It's just bad.

3/10

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

2011-03-12T21:46:00.000-08:00

"I owe you an unpleasant death, Mr. Bond.", 1 September 2009

It should be obvious from my rating that I'm not the biggest fan of Pierce Brosnan's second outing as James Bond. It's not that Tomorrow Never Dies is terrible, but compared with the best of Bond (even compared to the best of Brosnan's Bond films), it's just not that good. There's very little that I would call original in the script. It's strictly Bond by-the-numbers. The same tired formula is used with little in the way of a surprise thrown in. Beyond the lack of originality, I've got real problems with Jonathan Pryce as super-villain, Elliot Carver. A megalomaniac news-mogul intent on dominating every news outlet in the world just doesn't instill the same level of fear in me that most of Bond's other adversaries do. And haven't we already seen guys like this? Ted Turner – Rupert Murdoch – anyone? And really, what's the point in Carver's whole plan? First, he's obviously already one of the most powerful, wealthy men on the planet. I mean, he owns a news empire that stretches across the entire globe, save for China. Not too shabby. Second, if you've got the resources and wherewithal to build a stealth ship and no one, including the world's intelligence community, knows anything about it, how much more is there? Finally, what kind of name is Elliot for a man bent on world domination? Elliot is a guy who hands you your soft-serve at Dairy Queen – not some evil genius.

The highlight of Tomorrow Never Dies is easily Michelle Yeoh. I know, it's a predictable statement, but she really is awesome. From the motorcycle scene while handcuffed to Brosnan to her fight scene in the secret hideout, she totally rocks. If she could have just seen fit to give old Brosnan a good butt-kicking, I might have rated this movie a lot higher.

5/10

Live and Let Die (1973)

2011-03-12T18:33:00.000-08:00

"Hey man, for twenty bucks I'd take you to a Ku Klux Klan cookout!", 31 August 2009

I've read all the reviews from Bond fans enumerating their many problems with Live and Let Die, but I'm sorry, I don't agree. To me, James Bond has always been about having fun. Yeah, like most people, I prefer the earlier films. But for pure unadulterated, sugar-coated fun, it's hard to beat something like Live and Let Die. These films were never meant to be brain surgery anyway. Some of the highlights for me include: the voodoo ceremonies and Baron Samedi (played by the wonderful Geoffrey Holder), the New Orleans funeral procession and band, Jane Seymour, one of the best boat chase scenes ever put on film, the funky 70's feel and the Blaxploitation meets James Bond vibe, Paul McCartney's title song, the Filet of Soul, a couple of really underrated henchmen in Tee Hee and Whisper, and a truly effective performance from the amazing Yaphet Kotto. Unlike a lot of other Bond fans, not only do I not rate Live and Let Die near the bottom of my list of favorites, I've got it near the top. It's an entertaining, action-filled, good time.

On to Roger Moore – while I prefer Connery, Moore is more than capable in the role of James Bond, especially in 1973 when he was still young enough to pull it off. He gets a lot of criticism (some from me) about the direction the character and the films took during his time in the role. But when I think about it logically, the groan-inducing quips and the lame attempts at comedy should be blamed on the producers, directors, writers, and editors – i.e. the people with the power. I've got no complaints with Moore in Live and Let Die.

Finally, if I have one negative to mention in regards to Live and Let Die, it's with Sheriff Pepper. He's a one note character whose shtick gets old real quick. The fact that the producers saw fit to bring him back in another James Bond film (instead of the original idea of brining back Baron Samedi) is jaw-dropping in its idiocy. Clifton James may have been fine performer, but Sheriff Pepper is a grating character that wears out his welcome within the first minute of appearing on screen.

8/10

Death Is Nimble, Death Is Quick (1966)

2011-03-12T18:29:00.000-08:00

- Kommissar X - Drei gelbe Katzen
A real plot might have helped, 28 August 2009

Being new to the Eurospy scene, there are a couple of websites that I check out for news and reviews. I was shocked when I noticed that one of the sites I really like called Death Is Nimble, Death Is Quick the best of the three Kommissar X films in Retromedia's set. To me, the opposite is true. In my opinion, Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill and So Darling, So Deadly are both superior to Death Is Nimble, Death Is Quick. The problem – no discernible plot. I defy anyone to watch Death Is Nimble, Death Is Quick and tell me just what's going on. Maybe I missed something, but to me the movie is little more than a seemingly random series of set-pieces. Sure, some of the scenes are very enjoyable (the hotel rooftop chase and the final karate showdown being two wonderful examples) and Tony Kendall and Brad Harris' on-screen chemistry is strong, but without a coherent story, I lost interest in what was going on. I think my 5/10 rating is generous.

One reason I've rated Death Is Nimble, Death Is Quick higher than I probably should have is the scene set in what I'll call the Haunted Swamp. It's very well done. Creepy music, twisted trees, an abandoned/crumbling old house, and a "fire-breathing monster" (very reminiscent of Dr. No) make these scenes really stand out. Very atmospheric. I just wish there had been a story to go along with the wonderful images.

5/10

The Black Scorpion (1957)

2011-03-12T18:22:00.000-08:00

"What's the tequila for?", 28 August 2009

The Black Scorpion is yet another example of the big bug movie craze of the 1950s. And as far as these movies go, it's not a half bad example. The plot centers on American geologist Hank Scott (Richard Denning) and his Mexican counterpart Artur Ramos (Carlos Rivas) who are investigating the aftermath of a volcanic eruption in Mexico. They soon discover that that the eruption opened a fissure in the earth's surface through which giant scorpions are emerging and terrorizing the countryside. Along the way, they'll meet Scott's love interest played by Mara Corday, an annoying pest of a boy named Juanito, a bevy of concerned Mexican officials, and dozens of venom-dripping gigantic scorpions. They'll also have to come up with a way to stop the creatures before they rampage through Mexico City.

The highlight of The Black Scorpion is without a doubt the stop motion scorpions. Willis O'Brien, of King Kong fame, gets most of the credit, but Pete Peterson did the lion's share of the work. Insects like scorpions are particularly well suited for stop motion animation. The jerky movements of the animation is well-suited to match the natural motion of the scorpions. The first attack on the linemen, the descent into the fissure, and the final showdown in the bull ring are all wonderful examples of the excellent job of animation done on The Black Scorpion. My biggest complaint with the scorpions is the all too frequent close-ups of their faces. They look terrible. The drooling, motionless faces don't fit with the otherwise excellent special effects. Seeing the close-ups once or twice might have been fine, but after about a dozen shots of scorpion puppet faces literally dripping with venom, it gets to be ridiculous.

As for the rest of the film, while nothing may be overly spectacular, it is immanently watchable. For a fan of 50s big bug sci-fi, The Black Scorpion is a lot of fun. It's also nice to see a movie from this period set in a place like Mexico. In most of these 50s sci-fi films, you would think that there's nothing beyond the borders of the U.S.A. The acting is okay. The three leads (Denning, Rivas, and Corday) give solid, but not necessarily memorable, performances. The direction is likewise solid but not overly spectacular. The film's pacing is nice with few dull spots to slow things down. I suppose director Edward Ludwig could have built a bit more tension before revealing his giant scorpions, but it's not like we didn't know they were coming anyway. Like I said to begin this, The Black Scorpion isn't a half bad way to spend almost 90 minutes. I'll give it a 6/10.

6/10

So Darling, So Deadly (1966)

2011-03-12T18:17:00.000-08:00

- Kommissar X - In den Klauen des goldenen Drachen
Worth watching just to see Brad Harris dancing, 24 August 2009

Detective Jo Walker (Tony Kendall) and New York Police Captain Tom Rowland (Brad Harris) are sent to Singapore to protect Professor Akron and his latest invention – a laser filter than can be used to shut down electrical engines from miles away. As soon as Walker and Rowland hit Singapore, the baddies start coming out of the woodwork and the Professor ends up the prisoner of the mysterious Golden Dragon. Walker and Rowland's new mission – rescue the professor, protect his daughter, and safeguard the filter.

It's hard to watch and write about So Darling, So Deadly and not compare it with the first Kommissar X film, Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill. Unfortunately, the sequel is inferior to the original in almost every way. The gadgets aren't as plentiful, the underground lair isn't as cool, the women aren't as beautiful, the locations aren't as nice, and the plot makes even less sense. But then again, Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill is one of my new favorite Eurospy films – so it would have been very difficult for anything to measure up. And that's not to say So Darling, So Deadly is a bad movie. It's actually quite a bit of fun. Kendall and Harris probably work off each other better in this movie than in the first. They make a great team. Second, while I enjoyed the locations of Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill more, there's something to be said for exotic Singapore. It's not what you usually see in a low-budget Eurospy film. Third, some of Brad Harris' scenes are so bizarre I couldn't help but have fun with them. For example, if you're on a mission to protect a scientist and, ultimately, save the world, why would Rowland go water-skiing the minute he hits Singapore? Just weird. And what about Rowland's dancing – it's laugh-out-loud funny. You have to love the guy! Another plus is the film's pacing. There really are very few dull moments. It's pretty much non-stop from the word "go". Finally, Nikola Popovic's return in So Darling, So Deadly. He was the chief bad guy, O'Brien, in the first film and I really enjoyed his work. Here, it's odd to see him in terribly un-PC yellow face, but he's fun nonetheless. So while it may not measure up to the first Kommissar X film, So Darling, So Deadly is a reasonably entertaining movie in its own right.

6/10

Race to Witch Mountain (2009)

2011-03-12T18:14:00.000-08:00

"Don't go in the pimped out fridge Jack...", 23 August 2009

We hadn't had a family movie night at our house in several months. So when the idea came up, I naturally let my 6 year-old pick the movie (I, on the other hand, picked the pizza.) His pick – Race to Witch Mountain. I'll be honest, neither my wife nor I were terribly excited about his selection. As we popped it into the player, we both settled in fearing for the worst. Instead, the whole family had a great time with the film. It's not a masterpiece, but I don't think that's what the filmmakers were going for. Instead, Race to Witch Mountain fun-filled ride full of special effects and loud explosions thrown at the viewer at break-neck speeds. There are really very few opportunities to catch your breath, which is probably a good thing. If you spent too long analyzing just what's going on on-screen, it probably wouldn't have been as enjoyable. The plot involves Jack Bruno, a cab driver trying to make a break from a shady past, who discovers two kids in the back of his cab. As he soon learns, these aren't ordinary kids. These kids are aliens (the outer space kind) and they're on a mission to save not only their planet, but Earth as well. Howver, it seems that everyone is after Jack and the kids. Secret government agents, Jack's former crime boss, and an unstoppable alien assassin are all out to make sure the kids don't find their ship. Sure, it lacks some of what made the 1975 original (which I don't think I've seen since 1975) so memorable, but it makes up for it with some terrific CGI effects, humor, and outrageous action sequences. The acting was okay. No one looked terrible. Dwayne Johnson, whose wrestling persona The Rock seems to be a distant memory these days, isn't too bad. He's definitely got a screen presence to him. The rest of the cast is fine. My son especially enjoyed Carla Gugino who he immediately recognized from the Spy Kids series. There are a few really cool cameos from the likes of Cheech Marin. But the absolute coolest for an old guy like me was seeing Kim Richards and Ike Eisenmann, the kids from the original Escape to Witch Mountain, with bit parts in this re-imaging. So overall, we enjoyed Race to Witch Mountain. Go into it with an open mind (and a good pizza) and you're family just might find a wonderful night's entertainment like we did.

7/10

The Fiction Makers (1968) (TV)

2011-03-12T16:19:00.000-08:00

Good writing and some nice acting, 22 August 2009

To be fair to The Fiction Makers, it's important to remember that it's really a two-part episode of The Saint that was cobbled together and released as a movie. I'm not an expert on The Saint, but this might be the best I've seen. The plot involves a crazed criminal, known only as Warlock (Kenneth J. Warren), who has taken the ideas from a series of spy novels and used them as an instruction manual for his entire criminal organization. Warlock kidnaps Simon Templar (Roger Moore), believing him to be the author known as Amos Klein, and Joyce Darling (Sylvia Syms), the real novelist. Warlock wants Klein to "write" a plan to rob a heavily guarded bank vault.

The Fiction Makers comes across as something of a mix of James Bond and a heist movie – both very popular in the 60s. It's not great example of either, but it is entertaining. Roger Moore is good, but is generally upstaged by both Warren and Syms. Warren's crazed Warlock is a treat – threatening and funny all at the same time. He appears to be having a blast with the role. Syms can best be described as a delight. I really must track down more of her work. While it's obvious that The Fiction Makers is a television production with the staged-bound look and television style lighting and editing, veteran director Roy Ward Baker brings a wealth of experience to the film. He keeps things moving and interesting. The witty writing is also a winner. Warlock, his gang known as S.W.O.R.D., and the almost religious-like adherence to the books Warlock bases his organization on might be a bit silly, but it is fun. Other than the exceptionally cheap looking bank sets (especially those really lame looking red lasers) that demonstrate the true nature of the budget Baker was working with, I've got few complaints. A 7/10 from me.

7/10

The Great Diamond Robbery (1967)

2011-03-12T16:11:00.000-08:00

- Colpo maestro al servizio di Sua Maestà britannica
This movie defines "undiscovered gem", 20 August 2009

I watched The Great Diamond Robbery last night and don't think I could have enjoyed it much more than I did. What a wonderfully entertaining, relatively unknown gem of a movie! I call it unknown because I can't find much at all on the internet on the film. In fact, even though my copy (and apparently several others who have seen the film) goes by the name The Great Diamond Robbery, you won't find that name listed on IMDb. Instead, you'll find it listed under either the name Colpo maestro al servizio di Sua Maestà Britannica or Master Stroke (to those of us more fluent in English). Whatever you call it, it's one very fun heist-type film that deserves a much wider audience.

As for the plot . . . well, I can't really go into the plot very much without giving away the movie's many surprises. Very briefly, Richard Harrison (in one of the most ironic roles ever) plays an actor in Spaghetti Westerns who is one day approached by a group of men offering him an acting job. He agrees to listen and discovers that this is no ordinary role. It seems that the actor bears a remarkable resemblance to Arthur Land, a top executive at the diamond exchange. These men want him to pose as Lang and help them steal a fortune in diamonds. I'll stop my plot description here as anymore would be too much. I'll just add that The Great Diamond Robbery features one of the most clever plots imaginable. There are more twists and turns, more red herrings, and more slight of hand than you'll see in a dozen other movies combined. Every time you think you've got things figured out, the plot throws you another curve. It's really an amazing piece of writing.

Beyond the plot, the cast is another big highlight. Richard Harrison was never better. I've seen him in Spaghetti Westerns, peplums, and other genre films, but I don't remember enjoying a performance from him as much as this one. Harrison is joined by a wonderful cast that includes genre regulars Adolfo Celi and Margaret Lee. Both are also excellent in their roles. Most of the rest of the cast, with the notable exception of Luciano Pigozzi, weren't as familiar to me, but all were very good. I have no complaints with the acting in The Great Diamond Robbery.

I could keep going and going with the superlatives. Solid direction from Michele Lupo, excellent locations and sets, real tension and suspense, terrific cinematography, and wonderful pacing – everything about The Great Diamond Robbery is perfect. One final highlight is the music. Francesco De Masi's score fits the film perfectly. The main theme is one of those pieces of music that will be in your head long after the film is over. I'd actually like to track down a copy – it's that good.

Overall, The Great Diamond Robbery (or Master Stroke or Colpo maestro al servizio di Sua Maestà Britannica) is one of those movies I always love to discover. I'm so glad I had the chance to watch it. I know it's wishful thinking, but I would love to see a good, legit R1 release. I'd snap it up in a heartbeat.

9/10

Death Carries a Cane (1973)

2011-03-12T16:06:00.000-08:00

- Passi di danza su una lama di rasoio
Unoriginal and uninspired, 19 August 2009

While waiting for her husband to pick her up in a park, Kitty (Susan Scott) accidentally looks through a telescope just in time to see a woman brutally murdered. She doesn't see the murderer's face, but she is able to tell the police that the assailant was carrying a cane. In short order, another possible witness, a man who owns a chestnut cart, is murdered. The police initially suspect Kitty's husband, Alberto, who has mysteriously sprained an ankle. Even though the suspicions against the husband fall away, Kitty and Alberto are nonetheless drawn into the investigation.

Death Carries a Cane is a terrific example of what I'd call a "lesser" Giallo. The whole thing seems so unoriginal and uninspired that at times it can be a chore to watch. I had to wake myself at least three times the night I sat down to watch. Like many Gialli, the plot is convoluted, but in this case it's a mess – even after the final reveal. Usually, I have fun trying to follow the many ins and outs of the plot. Not here. It just bored me to tears. Like many Gialli, Death Carries a Cane features a variety of red herrings. But most are so obvious and ridiculous that they're hard to take seriously. For example, I've never seen so many characters carrying canes or walking with limps for no other purpose than to throw suspicion their way. Death Carries a Can even includes twins. Yes, twins! What a terribly tired old plot device. It's just lazy writing. Another perfect example of the problems with the plot comes near the end. In this kind of movie, it's always easier to kill a character if they're separated from the other characters. Two times it the film's last 15 minutes, Kitty's character splits from the rest to go to the bathroom. Yes, Kitty's weak bladder becomes a plot device. How stupid is that! And there are other problems besides the plot. Gialli are known for their visual flair and interesting look. Not here. Like the plot, the cinematography can also best be described as generally uninspired. It's dull looking. Finally, if it weren't for Edwige Fenech, Susan Scott could probably be considered the Queen of the Giallo. She's so underutilized in Death Carries a Cane that it ought to have been a crime. She disappears for a large chunk of the movie. And no offense meant to the other cast members, but none are anywhere near as interesting as she is. To be fair, Death Carries a Cane does feature a few interesting murder scenes, but these are too few and far between to really save the movie. Any other positives are hard to come by. This is one Giallo I wished I'd skipped.

3/10

Password: Kill Agent Gordon (1966)

2011-03-12T15:59:00.000-08:00

- Password: Uccidete agente Gordon
Makes up for its lack of original ideas with a healthy dose of tedium, 18 August 2009

Recently, I've discovered, watched, and enjoyed a number of Eurospy thrillers made in the 1960s. While some have been better than others, there are only a very few that I've watched that I couldn't find at least a bit of entertainment value. Well, Password: Kill Agent Gordon is one of those few. To begin with, the plot is a disaster. I often write that the plot in whatever genre movie I've recently watched doesn't really matter. But usually, that's only because the movie is so much fun and the plot so convoluted that the movie was entertaining regardless. In Password: Kill Agent Gordon, the plot is almost non-existent – something about gun smuggling to Communist Asian countries. Trust me, you'll forget all about the whys and what-fors very quickly. Second, I've got a real problem with Agent Gordon as played by Roger Browne. The man just didn't do anything for me. He came across terribly dry - not what you normally associate with a cool secret agent. Third, the two female "names" in the cast, Rosalba Neri and Helga Line, are misused and add little. Ms. Line, in particular, doesn't do much more than follow the dull Agent Gordon from scene to scene. She's got little to offer other than her looks. Finally, the budget limitations of Password: Kill Agent Gordon are very apparent. Most of these Eurospy movies were made on a shoestring budget, but many were able to overcome this handicap with cool ideas and over-the-top action. Not here. Apparently, the only idea that director Sergio Grieco (I usually enjoy his work) and the screenwriters could come up with to cover up the lack of a budget was to have Agent Gordon fight what appeared to be the same group of baddies over and over to the point of tedium. Not very original – or entertaining.

3/10

Johnny English (2003)

2011-03-12T15:54:00.000-08:00

"The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, sensitive hearing and a whole bunch of bigger brains.", 16 August 2009

Because of his own ineptness, Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson) is the only agent left in the British Secret Service. The crown jewels are stolen and against everyone's better judgment, English is put on the case. But when he uncovers a plot involving a wealthy Frenchman to overthrow the Queen and have himself named King of England, no one will believe him. English knows he's right and knows it's up to him to save his country.

I'm shocked. I was quite prepared to hate Johnny English. Instead, I found a movie that, although uneven, had moments that made me laugh out loud. Nothing on the level of the Atkinson's masterpiece, The Black Adder, but still worthy of a laugh or two if you're a fan of Atkinson's style of humor. I admit, some of the bits fall flat and some of the situations feel forced or, even worse, telegraphed, but when it's funny, it's really good. I'm not sure what my favorite moment was, but the scene where English mistakenly invades and attempts to take over a hospital had me laughing hard. Or the scene where English bares the Archbishop of Cantebury's back-side. Predictable - yes, but still funny. It was just so stupid. That's another thing – if you want comedy with a bit of sophistication, steer clear. There's a lot of potty humor here. Like the rest of the movie, some works and some doesn't. Other highlights for me include the music (the title song by Robbie Williams is really good), English's love interest played by Natalie Imbruglia (I thought she was amazing given her rather limited acting experience), the stunt work, English's put-upon sidekick played by Ben Miller (he manages to steal many scenes from Atkinson), John Malkovich's ridiculous French accent (a complaint to most people - I thought it was a scream), and the locations, costuming, and lighting. It's not perfect and it's not for everyone, but for me it mostly worked. I'll give it a 6/10.

6/10

The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen (1966)

2011-03-12T15:49:00.000-08:00

- Il ladro della Gioconda
Hard to watch, 15 August 2009

Before watching The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen, all I knew about the movie was based on what little I had read on the internet. I knew that it was supposed to be a period heist film made in France in the mid-60s. I knew that the film was intended to be a mix of intrigue and comedy. And, I knew that Margaret Lee was in the movie. A heist film with comedic touches and Margaret Lee - it just had to be a winner! After watching, all I can say is what a disappointment. On reviewer called the movie, "Forgettable". Well, I can't forget The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen fast enough. First, there is no real heist. Sure, the Mona Lisa is stolen, but it takes just minutes and there's no suspense surrounding the theft at all. Second, the comedy just didn't work at all for me. Maybe I'm not in tune with what was considered comedy in France in 1966. Or maybe (and this is what I suspect) it's just no funny at all. I can't remember cracking a smile the entire runtime. Finally, while I'm happy to report that Margaret Lee is the movie, her screen-time is limited to about five minutes and her character has no real impact on the film's plot. By the time you get settled in with your popcorn, she's gone. How disappointing! Her performance and character hardly warrant being listed third in the credits. Add to what I've already written a dull screenplay, extremely distracting and annoying music, and characters I didn't care about, and it's little wonder I can't rate The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen any higher.

3/10

Covert One: The Hades Factor (2006) (TV)

2011-03-12T15:41:00.000-08:00

Not bad for a $3 DVD, 14 August 2009

Had I not found Covert One: The Hades Factor in the $3 bin at Big Lots, I seriously doubt I would have ever even heard of the movie - much less purchased the DVD. Based on a book by acclaimed author Robert Ludlum, Covert One: The Hades Factor was apparently made as a mini-series for CBS. The plot deals with the timely topic of bio-terrorism. In the movie (and I'll keep this brief because it would take paragraphs to do justice to the plot), secret agent/doctor/all-around good guy, Jon Smith (Stephen Dorff) is trying to track down the source of a deadly virus released by terrorists. Meanwhile, half-way around the world, another secret agent, Rachel Russel (Mira Sorvino), is on the run having been accused of playing a part in the virus' release. Behind the scenes, a secret governmental agency known as Covert One is pulling strings to protect the government and to find the terrorists. There's a lot more to the plot, but these three sentences will have to do.

On the whole, I enjoyed Covert One: The Hades Factor. It has its faults, but overall it was an exciting adventure. First, for a movie that's over 160 minutes long, I thought director Mick Jackson did an admiral job with the pacing. There are only a couple of instances where things got really slow. Good action, interesting scientific mumbo-jumbo, international intrigue involving terrorists, nice locations, some surprisingly graphic gore effects (remember, this was made for CBS), and solid supporting performances from Sophia Myles, Anjelica Huston, and especially Colm Meany are all highlights for me. Another big plus was Mira Sorvino. But then again, I'm hardly unbiased when it comes to Sorvino. I seem to go nuts over just about anything she does. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for her co-star, Stephen Dorff. Don't misunderstand – his acting is okay, he just seemed terribly miscast to me as the secret agent/doctor/all-around good guy. While I'm on the subject of negatives, I didn't care at all for the film's final act. First, I suppose that the identity of the boss behind the terrorists was supposed to be something of a twist, but it doesn't work. It's far too easy to spot the bad guys as soon as they appear on screen. Second, I hated the final outcome. Sure, the virus is stopped, but nothing else is resolved. We don't even get the satisfaction of seeing the bad guy come to justice. What's up with that? In the end though, the good outweighs the bad and I'll give Covert One: The Hades Factor a 6/10.

6/10

Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens (1964)

2011-03-12T15:37:00.000-08:00

- Sindbad contro i sette saraceni
"You better kill me now", 11 August 2009

Okay, I admit it – I enjoyed Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens much more than I should have. I realize it's not what you'd call a good movie, but I can't help myself – I had a blast watching the movie. Much of it for the wrong reasons, but still, I found it terribly entertaining. The plot – who cares? Suffice it to say that the evil Omar (Gordon Mitchell), Ali Baba, and other warrior types do battle to determine who will be King. In today's world, it would be the equivalent of selecting our leaders based on the outcome of the most recent UFC pay-per-view event. Anyway, one of the real highlights for me is Gordon Mitchell. I've never considered him much of an actor and, while this movie doesn't change that, I did get a kick out of his performance as Omar. First, I had no idea that Mitchell could chew scenery quite like that. His constant overacting is a real hoot. And the scene where he wears that ridiculous looking turban – classic! Add to that the weird facial expressions and Mitchell could have passed for Harpo Marx. Truly bizarre! Second, I loved the way that Mitchell (and really all the characters) shouts every line of dialogue. Whether it's something that deserves to be shouted like, "I shall smite thee", or something that doesn't like, "We're have ham for dinner", these people sound like they're constantly competing to be heard above a jet engine. Again, truly bizarre! Another highlight of Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens (and this one has nothing to do with Gordon Mitchell) was the women's prison or harem room or whatever you want to call it. Real tough going in there. It looked more like backstage at an Atlantic City beauty pageant. Would these women really have had access to sequined gowns and glittery eye-shadow?

I could go on and on, but I'll end here. Honestly, I've barely scratched the surface. I haven't mentioned the dwarf named Jukki crawling through walls, the final battle scene complete with a lame chariot race, the ease Omar's men have in taking Ali Baba prisoner, the speed with which Ali Baba and Fatima (Bella Cortez - what a woman!) fall hopelessly in love with each other, the confusion over the film's title (Is it Ali Baba or Sinbad?), the whip carried by Omar's main squeeze Farida, or the ridiculous dance scene in the dungeon. Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens might not be for everyone, but I sure had fun with it.

7/10

The Reptile (1966)

2011-03-12T15:33:00.000-08:00

A real gem in Hammer's catalog, 11 August 2009

A young couple, Harry and Valerie Spalding, inherit and move into a small cottage previously owned by the husband's now deceased brother, Charles. Charles' death is something of a mystery, but none of the locals in the small Cornish village want to discuss it or any of the other deaths they've seen. Harry has seen some strange things in his time and believes that these deaths are similar to the cobra bite victims he saw in India. But a cobra in Cornwall – it's not possible. The couple meets their standoffish and odd neighbor, Dr. Franklyn, and his charming, but strange daughter, Anna. The Franklyn's are hiding a secret, but is it a secret capable of killing Charles and others in the community? Is there a giant, snake-like creature hiding in the Franklyn's house?

Of all the wonderful movies that Hammer made, I'm of the opinion that The Reptile is one of the most often overlooked gems in the catalog. It's a really nice movie that doesn't seem to get near the attention I feel it deserves. Good acting from a rather small cast (with a big, meaty role for Hammer regular Michael Ripper), nice pacing, solid direction, and that Hammer "look" (for lack of a better word) that I always enjoy. But what really sets The Reptile apart is the atmosphere. There's a real sense of fear and mystery about the whole movie. It's as creepy and suspense filled as anything Hammer ever made. And I just love the whole notion of a snake-cult putting a curse on Franklyn and his daughter. It's a unique, original idea for a movie. Sure, there have been other snake-to-man movies, but none that I've seen are as well done as this one. Finally, I've read complaints about the make-up effects. Personally, I think they're fine given the relative modest budget Hammer put-up for the movie. The snake appliances may not look as real as one might have hoped for, but at least they're not some weightless CGI nonsense. Just go with it and have fun.

8/10

The Disappearance of Flight 412 (1974) (TV)

2011-03-12T15:21:00.000-08:00

"This is a UFO - an Unidentified Flying Object.", 10 August 2009

A radar plane (the titular Flight 412) on a routine training mission out of Whitney AFB suddenly spots three unidentified objects on its radar. The objects are confirmed by ground radar. Marine fighters are scrambled. But just as the jet fighters get close , the planes suddenly disappear from the radar – followed shortly by the three unidentified objects. Afterwards, Flight 412 is rerouted to a secret facility where its four man crew are subjected to an interrogation about what they've seen. Or as the men are continually told, what they "think" thy might have seen. Colonel Pete Moore (Glenn Ford) sets out to find his men and bring them back home.

As hard as The Disappearance of Flight 412 strives to have the look and feel of a documentary, it never pulls it off. Instead, the movie comes across as exactly what it is – a movie of the week masquerading as a serious look at the U.S. government's cover-up of UFOs. For example, the movie makes it seem like the men on Flight 412 crack in one night with a minimum of hardship or discomfort. Good thing these guys weren't in combat. They'd have given away every secret the U.S. had in a week's time. It's not a very realistic portrayal of these well trained men.

In addition to the problems with the plot, The Disappearance of Flight 412 is never able to shake its made-for-TV origins. The sets look cheap, there is absolutely no originality as far as the cinematography goes, no special effects of any kind (the UFOs appear only as bleeps on a radar screen), and, other than Glenn Ford, most of the rest of the cast will be familiar to anyone who watched TV in the 70s. Not that the actors do a bad job – quite the opposite in fact. The acting is one of the movie's highlights. David Soul, in particular, gives a really nice performance. Other familiar faces in the cast include Guy Stockwell and Bradford Dillman.

In the end, I'll call The Disappearance of Flight 412 a slightly below average experience. As such, a 4/10 seems about right.

4/10

G-Force (2009)

2011-03-12T15:17:00.000-08:00

Come on Disney - you can do better than this, 10 August 2009

I'm something of a closet Disney fan. When the family and I head to Disney World this year, it will be our fifth trip in the last four years. Of the recent crop of Disney or Pixar movies, I love The Incredibles and The Emperor's New Groove. I thought Bolt was wonderful. And while I usually enjoy (or at the very least tolerate) all things Disney, G-Force positively stunk-up the joint. I can barely remember so much as a smile crossing my lips. You can see everything that's remotely funny in the trailer. G-Force is dull, boring, uninteresting, and any other negatively charged descriptive word you can come up with. The plot was beyond ridiculous and doesn't even merit a mention. The characters, both human and CGI, weren't worth caring about – and that's a big problem with a movie like this. If you don't care about the characters, you don't have much. The music is mostly inappropriate to what's going on on-screen. The special effects weren't all that special. And whoever thought that Tracy Morgan was funny doesn't know much about comedy. Overall, G-Force is a real stinker of a movie.

2/10

Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon (1964)

2011-03-12T15:06:00.000-08:00

- Ercole contro i tiranni di Babilonia
"There's a limit to the power of resistance.", 9 August 2009

When the King of Babylon died, he left the throne to his three children to rule the land equally. But, and it should come as no surprise, they all have designs on running things for themselves – making for lots of treachery and backstabbing. Their kingdom also needs a steady supply of slaves. But one of their newest slaves just happens to be the Queen of the Hellenes. Hercules gets the signal and jumps into action to rescue the Queen before her true identity can be discovered. Along the way, he'll do what he can to free the rest of the slaves and bring an end to the tyranny of Babylon.

As far as peplums go, Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon is on the down side of average. The two biggest problems are the lack of a memorable, big moment and Peter Lupus as Hercules. Most all sword and sandal movies worth their salt have one big memorable moment – it might be a fight scene against a Cyclops or a battle against a mechanical giant or it might be the destruction of an army – but there's usually a moment or scene that stands out. That's not the case with Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon. The closest you'll find here is probably the scene where Hercules turns the big wheel to bring down the walls of Babylon. But it's so ridiculous that it's hardly THE moment. I mean what city is constructed on top of a giant wheel that can be turned to bring about its destruction. It's the equivalent of building a modern city on top of an atomic bomb. It's just stupid! Besides the lack of a big moment, the rest of the screenplay is pretty dull. I'll admit that some of the scenes with the siblings scheming against each other were pretty good, but that's about it. Overall, not a lot of interesting things to hang your hat on.

As for Lupus, he makes for one very dull Hercules. He's got the body for it – tanned to perfection with the ever present sheen of oil – but like the screenplay, he's also dull. The man just didn't have the command or screen presence to pull of being the lead in a movie like this. It doesn't help matters that his version of Hercules insists on carrying a very large club that obviously weighs no more than five pounds. And the sound it makes when he goes into battle – bong, bong, bong. When I was little, I had a game called Bing, Bang, Bong. You arranged these small drum like trampolines just so and bounced a metal ball from one to the other. That's what Hercules club sounds like in Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon – a metal ball hitting a rubber trampoline. For some reason, I doubt that's what it would sound like if someone were to hit you in the skull with a huge club. (I do realize that it's a tricky thing to criticize anything related to sound in a low-budget Italin movie from the 1960s that's been dubbed. But in this case, I can't help myself.)

I've listed the negatives, so what about the positives? I can sum-up the film's biggest highlight with two words – Helga Line. She is the lone (and very beautiful) bright spot. Though I must admit that some of her outfits probably weren't right for Babylon in 1,000 B.C., but still, she looked good. She also has the best part in the plot. Her scheming is by far more interesting than that of either of her two brothers. But as much as I enjoyed seeing Ms. Line, by herself she can't save the movie. I usually enjoy even bad peplums, however, in the case of Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon, a 4/10 seems about right.

4/10

Pharaoh's Curse (1957)

2011-03-12T15:03:00.000-08:00

The very definition of plodding, 6 August 2009

The soul of an ancient mummy is transferred to one of his followers so that he might punish everyone involved in the desecration of his tomb. The soul transference makes the young man age at a tremendous pace until he himself resembles a mummy. One by one, the blood is drained from those involved in the dig.

To be as brief as possible, Pharaoh's Curse is quite the lackluster affair. While the movie does present a few good, original ideas (blood sucking mummy's, soul transference, interesting make-up effects, the arm ripping scene, etc.) and a few atmospheric moments, the direction and pace are the very definition of plodding. To make matters even worse, the first 15 of the film's relatively short 66 minute runtime consist of nothing much more than padding. I usually go for these slow moving mummy movies, but Pharaoh's Curse tests even my patients. The cast helps very little. With only one exception (Ziva Rodann is the lone bright spot – wish the movie could have focused more on her mysterious character), the cast is as dull as the screenplay. Finally, I don't know whose idea it was to put the mummy-looking servant in what appears to be pajamas, but it's a laughable, ridiculous look for a creature that supposed to instill fear in the audience.

Despite my mostly negative comments on the Pharaoh's Curse, I'm going to rate it a 4/10. Not a good rating to be sure, but generous given all the problems I have with the movie.

4/10

Tarantula (1955)

2011-03-12T15:00:00.000-08:00

"No blood! No sign of a struggle! The bones just stripped clean like peeling a banana!", 5 August 2009

A couple of well-intentioned scientists set out to solve the Earth's food shortage problems by developing a new, revolutionary growth formula. They inject the usual rats and guinea pigs to test their formula with remarkable success. But for some reason known only to the screenwriters, the scientists also test their formula on a tarantula. A fire in the lab destroys all of the animals with the exception of the tarantula that escapes unnoticed into the desert. Unnoticed, that is, until ranchers start reporting the unusual deaths of a number of their herds. But the now giant tarantula has a taste for more than just cattle. Can the arachnid be stopped before the whole town of Desert Rock is wiped out?

I'm going to echo what most others have written about Tarantula – of the many giant bug movies churned out during the 50s, Tarantula is probably only second to Them as far as the best goes. Good acting, good locations, and good cinematography are keys to the film's success. Jack Arnold is another of those keys. He was about as good as anyone working in horror/sci-fi at the time. His snappy, well-paced direction are a real asset to the film. As far as big bug special effects in films from the 50s, Tarantula is easily one of the best. The effects in this film are often compared with Burt I. Gordon's Earth vs. the Spider made a couple years later. As far as I'm concerned, there's really no comparison. Sure, there's at least one or two times where the tarantula seems to be walking on air, but overall, it's a job well done by some talented people. And I so much prefer it to any of that lifeless CGI that would be used today. For what it's worth, a very strong 7/10 seems about right to me.

7/10

The Uninvited (1944)

2011-03-12T14:56:00.000-08:00

"Mists gather here... and sea fog... and eerie stories...", 4 August 2009

I've watched at least three movies recently that, for whatever ridiculous reason, cannot be purchased on a R1 DVD. Two Hammer films, Twins of Evil and Vampire Circus, and The Uninvited. Okay, maybe I can in some twisted way understand the fate of the two Hammer films, but why oh why isn't The Uninvited available in the U.S. on DVD? Makes no sense at all. The Uninvited is a true classic in every respect. The plot involves a brother and sister, Roderick and Pamela Fitzgerald (Ray Milland and Ruth Hussey), who buy an abandoned, but remarkably well preserved, house on a cliff overlooking the ocean. The seller has a granddaughter, Stella Meredith (Gail Russell), who is totally against the sale of the house because it was her mothers. Shortly after moving in, strange noises and loud crying can be heard all through the house at night. Neither the dog nor the cat will venture upstairs – too frightened to take the first step. And there's a locked studio upstairs that always feels cold regardless of the temperature. If you can't guess already, the house is haunted (I know, a real shocker). The haunting seems to be that of the ghost of the Stella's mother, who Roderick is falling in love with (Stella that is, not the ghost of her mother). But why is she haunting the house? And why does Stella's life seem to be put in danger every time she visits? It's a mystery that demands to be solved.

I just love discovering a classic like The Uninvited that I've never taken the time to watch. Every thing about the film is spot on perfect. While I could go on and on extolling the movie's virtues, I'll try to limit this to just a couple of real highlights. First, the movie's got a boatload of atmosphere. It's so thick you feel like you can cut it with a knife. It gives you that kind of eerie feeling that doesn't leave once the lights go on. But The Uninvited is more than just a horror movie. Director Lewis Allen flawlessly mixes in romance, comedy, mystery, and drama. And the amazing part is that it all works – especially the mystery elements of the story. Even without the ghosts, the mystery of the house and Stella and her mother would have been enough to keep me interested. The special effects are another area that deserves mention. I've often argued in the past that some of the best ghost stories are those that don't really show anything. You know, the less is more argument. Well, in The Uninvited, we actually get to see what's causing all the problem. And to my astonishment, this also works. I was expecting something cheesy, but instead saw an image that looked like what a ghost might look like. Finally, it's impossible to discuss The Uninvited without mentioning the acting. This is probably the best performance I've ever seen from Ray Milland. He's amiable, care-free manner fits nicely into the film. I also enjoyed Ruth Hussey. She has a Myrna Loy quality to her that I liked. The others, including Gail Russell, Donald Crisp, and the scene stealing Dorothy Stickney, hold their own.

If you're a fan of classic horror (or even just a fan of classic films) do yourself a favor and seek out The Uninvited. You'll kick yourself for not doing it earlier.

9/10

Vampire Circus (1972)

2011-03-12T13:45:00.000-08:00

A wonderful departure from the usual Hammer vampire film, 4 August 2009

The 1970s are almost universally regarded as the weakest period in Hammer Films' history. Yet as I sit and think about Hammer's output in their last few years, I'm amazed at how many of the movies I genuinely enjoy. Twins of Evil, Blood from the Mummy's Tomb, Dr. Jekyll & Sister Hyde, Dracula A.D 1972 (I know I may be alone in rating this one as highly as I do), Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter, and Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell – all made in the 70s and all solidly entertaining films. Add to that list Vampire Circus. In fact, it might be the best of the bunch.

In a small 19th century Serbian village, Stetl, the locals finally find the courage and band together to put an end to the blood thirsty rule of Count Mitterhaus (Robert Tayman). Count Mitterhaus, you see, was a vampire (But in a Hammer film, isn't every Count a vampire?). As the stake is driven through the heart and the light is fading, he puts a curse on the village and vows to return and seek his revenge. Fifteen years later, with Stetl beset by a plague so bad that other nearby villages have set-up armed roadblocks to keep the people in, it seems that the Count's curse has come to pass. Just when things look their bleakest, the Circus of Nights comes to town. Looking for a relief from their despair, the townspeople are delighted to have this diversion in their midst and welcome the newcomers. Clowns, dancers, animals, and a strongman - the circus is a success. But when some of the town's locals, including the children, turn up with dead, the circus performers are immediately blamed. Are these innocent circus folk or are they something more sinister with another purpose altogether – like resurrecting the body of Count Mitterhaus?

From the very opening scene where the little girl is led in what seems to be the most innocent manner into a nearby castle only to meet her fate at the hands of the blood-thirsty Count, Vampire Circus gets off to a great start and never really lets up. That opening scene sets the tone of much of what's to come. Honestly, I just loved it. While it starts out innocently enough, it features a rather startling and unexpected conclusion. Robery Tayman's Count Mitterhaus may just be the most fiendish, savage vampire to appear in a Hammer film - and that includes the work of Christopher Lee. Not even the children are safe in Vampire Circus. For example, even though we don't see it, it's implied that a whole school of children are ripped to shreds by Emil's (Anthony Higgins) black panther persona. There's probably as much claret spilled, necks ripped open, and limbs taken off in Vampire Circus as any Hammer film I can think of. But it's not all graphic violence. There's some real atmosphere at work here as well. The whole movie has a creepy sort of vibe to it that really works. The circus is just odd enough to be eerie without going overboard. And I love the liberties Hammer took in Vampire Circus with the traditional vampire lore. Circus performers turning form animal into vampire, humans and vampires living (and loving) together, etc. make Vampire Circus a unique experience. The acting is, for the most part, as good as you'll find in any Hammer film. Even though you won't find any of the big name Hammer stars, Tayman, Higgins, Adrienne Corri, and several others give outstanding performances. Finally, though I've seen some reviewers dismiss the "amateurish" special effects, they really worked quite well for me. Emil's transformation to panther or the twins flying transformations into bats are amazingly well done.

I realize it's not all perfect (I didn't care for Thorley Walters' performance, John Moulder-Brown seemed way too young, and too many scenes were too obviously filmed in a studio), but this is one of my Hammer favorites. Vampire Circus is a real treat.

8/10

Supernatural "All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2" #2.22 (2007) (TV)

2011-03-12T13:33:00.000-08:00

"We got work to do.", 31 July 2009

In my opinion, Supernatural is easily one of the very best shows currently on television. I only recently discovered the show, but I've had an absolute blast catching-up on the first two seasons and I'm looking forward to starting the third. But for the finale of Season 2, "All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2", what a real letdown! After a very promising beginning in Part 1, Part 2 generally fails to deliver on most every level. You know, I get that Dean and Sam are brothers; and I get that there is a familial connection and a bond between them; and I understand they've lost the rest of their family; but do you have to go on and on with the forced sentimentality. The episode features a culmination of a year long story arc and sees Sam and Dean face off against their most bitter nemesis. Yet, almost half the episode features either Sam or Dean emoting about some BS or another. It bored the pants off me. The final showdown in the graveyard is pretty much a big nothing. It's over before it ever gets started. In the case of "All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2", the build-up is far better than the final climax. As much as I love the show, I can't give this one any more than a generous 5/10.

One thing that has always bugged me about Supernatural is Sam and Dean's ability to travel great distances in what seems like no time at all. There's no better example than Dean's trip to the Crossroads in this episode. If I remember correctly, the Crossroads is in Mississippi. The graveyard in the episode is in Wyoming. Yet somehow Dean seems to make the trip in the blink of an eye. Have you ever driven from Mississippi to Wyoming? Takes a heck of a lot longer than what's portrayed here.

5/10

Operation Crossbow (1965)

2011-03-12T13:28:00.000-08:00

Entertaining WWII thriller, 31 July 2009

Operation Crossbow is a solid espionage thriller set in WWII. The plot concerns the British/Allies attempt to get saboteurs inside German rocket facilities. The British have taken huge hits from the V1 and the other Allies rightly fear the more deadly V2. Three candidates are selected, given credentials allowing them to pose as Dutch engineers, and sent off to infiltrate and help destroy the Reich's most secret weapons development program.

Not being a WWII scholar, I'm not sure how historically accurate Operation Crossbow really is. But really, who cares? Operation Crossbow was never meant to be a scholarly work – it's a piece of fluff entertainment. And for the most part, it succeeds at being entertaining. While the movie may get off to a slow start, the action and suspense of the third act make up for most all of the films perceived shortcomings. The film's finale in an underground Nazi rocket facility is very reminiscent of James Bond and just as thrilling. And even if the movie does get off to a slow start, I found the bits about Nazi test pilot Hannah Reitsch interesting. Most of the cast is excellent. With few exceptions, George Peppard and the rest of the cast turn in fine performances. There are some nice special effects sequences worth mentioning. In particular, the bombing of London was very well handled. The only significant complaints I can come up with involve Trevor Howard and Sophia Loren. Howard's not necessarily bad in his role, but his character, the eternally pessimistic Professor Lindemann, is so annoying I wanted to wring his neck each time he popped-up on screen. As for Sophia Loren, she's a wonderful actress and I enjoy most of her work, but in all honestly, Operation Crossbow would have been a tighter, more enjoyable movie without her. Her character brings ZERO to the movie and her scenes are not important to what came before or what comes after. Her screen time is limited to 15 or 20 minutes that only serve to kill the film's flow. She may get top billing, but that's for her name only. Still, even with these flaws, I've always enjoyed Operation Crossbow and can easily rate it a 7/10.

7/10

Our Man in Marrakesh (1966)

2011-03-12T13:24:00.000-08:00

- Bang! Bang! You're Dead!
"I think there's been some foul play", 29 July 2009

Local crime boss Mr. Casmir (Herbert Lom) has a briefcase full of important documents to sell. He has an appointment with an unknown courier fresh to Marrakesh carrying $2 million. But which of the six seemingly innocent travelers/vacationers is the courier? When American Andrew Jessel (Tony Randall) stumbles upon a dead body in the closet of his hotel room, he gets mixed up in more intrigue than he bargained for. Jessel joins forces with the beautiful Kyra Stanovy (Senta Berger), a woman who seems incapable of telling the truth, just to survive his holiday in Marrakesh.

Our Man in Marrakesh is a highly enjoyable Euro-spy film mixed with copious amounts of comedy. I mean how can you take things too seriously when your action hero is Tony Randall? Yes that Tony Randall. Not really a he-man or anyone's idea of a spy, huh? But that's part of what makes Our Man in Marrakesh so much fun. Randall plays against type and does so brilliantly. His fish-out-of-water, put-upon nature is perfect for the role of Jessel. One of my favorite lines comes as Jessel discovers the dead body in the closet and proclaims, "I think there's been some foul play." Funny stuff! Randall is joined by one of those all-star casts that, in this case, actually works. Senta Berger, Herbert Lom, Euro-spy fav Margaret Lee, bad guy Klaus Kinski, the always funny Terry-Thomas, and Wilfrid Hyde-White add their considerable talents to the film. Sometimes when you put together one of these casts, things don't gel the way they should. Not here. Everyone comes out looking good. My only complaint is that I would have liked to have seen more from Lee and Kinski. But, then again, you can't have everything. Other big pluses from Our Man in Marrakesh include: a well-written, witty script that, fortunately, does not resort to slap stick for its humor; snappy, well-paced direction from Don Sharp; and terrific Moroccan locations. Overall, it's a wonderfully entertaining romp. An 8/10 from me.

8/10

Twins of Evil (1971)

2011-03-12T13:20:00.000-08:00

A nice ending to Hammer's Karnstein trilogy, 28 July 2009

Can someone please explain to me why Hammer's Twins of Evil isn't available in Region 1 on DVD? What a joke! Twins of Evil is as good and entertaining as many of the better known Hammer offerings that you can find in the $5 bin at Wal Mart. And it's not like Twins of Evil doesn't have a "name" star. Peter Cushing is about as big a "name" as you'll find in the Hammer catalogue.

In Twins of Evil, Peter Cushing plays Gustav, the leader of a group of Puritan style religious fanatics who have no qualms in burning alive any attractive woman they encounter. However, fearing the wrath of the King, Gustav and his merry band of witchfinders conveniently ignore the fact that Count Karnstein is a vampire. Things are going good for Gustav – burning witches and all – until his twin nieces, Frieda and Maria, turn up at his doorstep looking for a place to live. Frieda's got a wild side and is soon drawn to the Count. In no time at all, Frieda joins the Count in his bloodsucking ways. Now what's Gustav to do? Kill his own kin?

I just love these Hammer period pieces. I know that by 1971 this kind of horror was horribly outdated, but today I look at it and joy in its relative quaintness. The period costumes (excluding some worn by Playboy twins Madeleine and Mary Collinson), the big old castle on the top of the hill, the fog shrouded woods, and the antiquated notion of burning witches are things that make Twins of Evil so much fun. Speaking of the Collinson twins, I don't think it was their abilities as thespians that landed them their roles. They may be eye-candy, but that's about it. Cushing gives his usual outstanding performance. Plenty of good atmosphere and snappy direction are other highlights of the film. Finally, even though I saw it coming from a mile away, I loved the little twist at the end. Overall, an enjoyable film and a nice ending to Hammer's Karnstein trilogy (and real step-up from the preceding entry, Lust for a Vampire). I'll give it an 8/10. Here's to hoping for that R1 release!

8/10

Enter the Dragon (1973)

2011-03-12T13:15:00.000-08:00

"Don't think. FEEL. It's like a finger pointing at the moon.", 28 July 2009

You can debate the most iconic figures in a lot of movie genres, but I doubt anyone would argue Bruce Lee's place at the top of the heap of Martial Arts films. There are movie fans out there who wouldn't know Sonny Chiba, Bolo Yeung, Gordon Liu, or even Jet Li if they walked up and smacked 'em in the face, but more than 35 years after his death, they recognize Bruce Lee. The man was simply incredible! It's a real shame he died shortly after completing Enter the Dragon because the movie offers the promise of so much to come that was unfortunately never realized.

Bruce Lee (cleverly named Lee) is recruited by the government to attend a martial arts tournament on an island owned by a man named Han. The government suspects Han of any number of illegal activities (drugs, slavery, etc), but they need Lee to find the evidence. Lee's desire to get Han takes a personal turn when he discovers that Han's men were responsible for the death of his sister.

I'm really at a loss to come up with anything original to write about Enter the Dragon that hasn't already been said a thousand times. In short, it's one awesome butt-kicking movie from the word go. Watching Bruce Lee (even in choreographed movie fights) in his prime is simply amazing. The man was like poetry in motion. The use of his body as a weapon and the controlled violence he displays are like nothing else I've ever seen. He takes Enter the Dragon from an average martial arts movie with a fairly predictable plot and makes it something for the ages. I should also give some of the credit to the supporting cast. John Saxon, Jim Kelly, Kien Shih, and the rest are more than capable in their roles. The island fortress set, the special effects, the location shots, and everything else you can name in Enter the Dragon are as good as you'll find in a genre film. I've got no hesitation in rating Enter the Dragon a 9/10.

9/10

Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill (1966)

2011-03-12T13:09:00.000-08:00

- Kommissar X - Jagd auf Unbekannt
This is one groovy movie, 15 July 2009

I've watched a bunch of Euro-Spy films recently, and few have been anywhere near as much fun as Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill. This one's got it all – a likable lead in Tony Kendall, a put-upon sidekick in Brad Harris, over-the-top gadgets, lots of beautiful women (Maria Perschy, Christa Linder, and on and on), a wonderfully entertaining villain, a cool underground lair, fight scenes galore, terrific European locations, a catchy title song, and a great explosive finale. What more could you ask for? Throw in a brainwashed army of women with matching blond hair, groovy black outfits, and machine guns (Fembots?), and you've got one heck of a cool movie. The scene with Kendall in the back of that truck surrounded by the army of gun-toting, look-alike women is just too much. Another highlight is the relationship between Kendall's Jo Walker and Harris' Captain Rowland. They're like the Odd Couple of European spies. Walker (who reminds me a little of Frank Sinatra with that hat and all) is the smooth ladies man. Rowland is the no-nonsense cop who would rather use his fists to get to the bottom of a case . They compliment one another nicely. As for the plot . . . well, the less said the better. I'll just say that it involves the murders of a number of gangsters, a missing scientist, and an attempt to by the evil O'Brien to radiate the world's gold supply. Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill may "borrow" (okay, in some instances it outright steals) a lot of ideas from Goldfinger and other James Bond movies, but it does so with its own charm and originality. The movie may start a bit slow, but once it gets going, it's just a ton of fun.

If you're a fan of these 60s era Euro-Spy films, Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill is one that shouldn't be missed. Why aren't movies today this much fun?

8/10

Supernatural "Folsom Prison Blues" #2.19 (2007) (TV)

2011-03-12T07:21:00.000-08:00

"Calm down. It's all part of the plan.", 15 July 2009

I'm really starting to sound like a broken record when discussing these episodes of Supernatural, but "Folsom Prison Blues" is yet another rock solid entry in the series. In this one, a murderous entity is accidentally released when an old section of a prison is reopened. The spirit has its own ideas about justice and sets out to see that those who have done wrong get what they deserve. Sam and Dean are soon on the hunt, but how are they going to stop a ghost operating inside a jail?

"Folsom Prison Blues" has everything that I enjoy about Supernatural. Highlights include some incredibly spooky moments (with one that had my wife jumping out of her seat), atmosphere, interesting characters, nice fight scenes, a twist near the end, and lots of excellent humor. In fact, the humor in Supernatural seems to get better and better as the series goes along. Dean's whole take and attitude toward being in jail is very funny. This episode also sees the return of over-the-top FBI Agent Henricksen. It also sees the introduction of a new ally in the form of Public Defender Mara Daniels. I'd like to hope she makes a return appearance later in the series to give the boys a hand. With an episode this fun and with all its got going for it, I'll even let the whole ridiculous notion and ramifications of a plan where Sam and Dean are intentionally thrown into jail slide.

8/10

Supernatural "Playthings" #2.11 (2007) (TV)

2011-03-12T07:14:00.000-08:00

"Wow! This is a lot of dolls. They're nice...They're not super creepy at all.", 6 July 2009

"Playthings" is another solid Supernatural episode. In this one, Sam and Dean take a break from their hunt for the demon to investigate a series of mysterious deaths at an old Connecticut hotel and to put a stop to the hoodoo or haunting or whatever is going on before anyone else is killed. I just love a good ghost story set in a large, rambling house like the Pierpont Inn in this episode. Like I said in another user comment for an episode of Supernatural, one thing that always freaks me out is a ghostly little girl with curls, a dress, and a doll – and "Playthings" has got these in spades. Creepy, cool stuff as far as I'm concerned. The subtle references to The Shining and the unsubtle references to Scooby Doo were both unmistakable and very welcome. And the humor in "Playthings" is often laugh-out-loud funny. From the comments about Sam being a doll collector to Dean wanting to poke Grandma Rose with a stick to Sam and Dean being mistaken for a gay couple, it's as funny as anything I've seen up to this point in Supernatural. My only complaint would be the predictability of much of what happens. I mean, was there anyone who didn't know or couldn't have guessed that Maggie was imaginary? Overall, it's not my favorite episode, but I think a 7/10 is about right.

7/10

That Man in Istanbul (1965)

2011-03-12T07:10:00.000-08:00

- Estambul 65
Lots of good action in this 60s Euro-Spy effort, 30 June 2009

The U.S. government is double-crossed when they pay a $1 million ransom for the return of a top scientist. They lose both the money and the scientist. Agent Kenny (Sylva Koscina) is sent to Istanbul to investigate. She enlists the aid of a gambler named Tony Mescenas (Horst Buchholz) to assist her in finding the scientist with the promise that he can keep the $1 million. The trail leads Tony and Kenny through the streets, masques, and waterways of Istanbul. Will the U.S. government get what it wants? Will Tony get what he wants? And will Kenny get out alive?

That Man in Istanbul is a very good entry in the 1960s Euro-Spy cannon. While the film may lack some of the usual over-the-top spy accoutrements, it doesn't lack in exciting chase scenes, gun play, or fist fights. In fact, the action is pretty much non-stop. Director Antonio Isasi-Isasmendi keeps the pace at a high level throughout most of the film. The fight at the top of the masque tower, Tony's jump to the boat, and the underwater knife fight are real highlights. Both of the film's leads, Horst Buchholz and Sylva Koscina, turn in more than competent performances. A solid supporting cast, particularly Klaus Kinski and Gustavo Re, is more than up to the task. Throw in a bit of humor, suspense, intrigue, and some wonderful shots of 1960s era Istanbul and you've got the makings of a very entertaining film. If I have a couple of complaints they would be Koscina's screen time (she's absent for most of the second act) and the overall length of the movie (cutting 15 or 20 minutes would help). Still, a very enjoyable experience. I'll give it a 7/10.

7/10

On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

2011-03-12T05:54:00.000-08:00

"This never happened to the other fella.", 29 June 2009

I'll skip the usual plot description. If you're a fan of James Bond, you've most likely seen On Her Majesties Secret Service anyway. If you haven't seen it, then what are you doing reading this – go out and get it right now. And anyway, this is going to be long enough so why unnecessarily add to it with a pithy little plot summary. On my list of all-time favorite Bond movies, On Her Majesties Secret Service would be somewhere in the top 5. Why? Well, first it's one of the few James Bond movies where I've actually read Ian Fleming's book. And I liked it – I liked it a lot. The plot and storyline appeal to me in a major way. I appreciate the fact that the movie is so true to the source material. I like that there are so few over-the-top gadgets. Bond gets by on his wits and brawn alone. That's one of the things that also appealed to me about the recent Bond movie, Casino Royale – the lack of incredible gadgets. It makes things a little more believable. (I realize that I'm being a bit hypocritical here. It goes against everything I usually stand for when I write about how much a I appreciate the relative realism in this movie. I'm usually so in favor of outlandishness in my spy movies. Just read some of my other user comments and you'll see what I mean. It's difficult for me to explain, but it works in this case.)

Second, Diana Rigg. Is there any reason to say anymore? Beyond Ms. Rigg, I love the whole cast. Of all the actors that played Blofeld, Telly Savalas is my favorite. Donald Pleasence was a bit too close to a being a parody (i.e. he's practically Dr. Evil) and Charles Gray, though a good actor, was never right for the role. And don't you just love the way Savalas holds that cigarette? I've never seen anyone but him do that. Too cool! (That's right – I just called smoking "cool".) While I'm talking about the cast, I suppose I should mention George Lazenby. It's not that he's that bad, it's just that he's not Sean Connery. I find it impossible to judge his worth as Bond from one movie. He's okay I suppose, but I would have liked to see him given the chance to grow into the character the way Connery and Moore did.

Third, On Her Majesties Secret Service is an amazing looking movie. Some of the shots of the Alps, especially those from the helicopter, are some of the best photography in the entire series. Cinematography, sets, locations, lighting, and anything else that goes into making a movie look good are all outstanding. It's a wonderfully shot movie.

Finally, I really appreciate Peter Hunt's direction. On Her Majesties Secret Service might most well paced Bond movie ever made. It's so even form start to finish. As much as I hate to admit it because I enjoy most all of the Bond movies, there are some that drag on and on to the point of distraction and lack the flow of this movie.

If I've got one complaint it would be with some of the lame attempts at comedy. They're terribly forced and don't feel right in what is otherwise such a straight forward movie. There are a couple that are so bad I wince every time I hear them. For example, after one of the baddies is sucked into the giant snow blower turning the snow a pale pink, Bond quips, "He had a lot of guts". Groan worthy or what? Still, that's my only real complaint so a 9/10 would seem to be in order.

9/10

Supernatural "The Usual Suspects" #2.7 (2006) (TV)

2011-03-12T05:48:00.000-08:00

"You know, Casper - the blood thirsty ghost.", 29 June 2009

"The Usual Suspects" isn't my favorite episode of Supernatural, but it's a darn good one. Sam and Dean find themselves in custody for a couple of murders they didn't commit. The brothers are convinced that a vengeful spirit committed the murders, but how do you tell that to the police? When Detective Diana Ballard (Linda Blair) has a run in with the ghost, she begins to believe the boys. With Dean locked-up, she works with Sam to solve the mystery and, hopefully, put a spirit to rest.

As soon as I saw Linda Blair pop up on the screen, I knew I was going to enjoy this episode. I mean come on – it's Linda Blair for goodness sake! What's not to like about that? Horror legend Linda Blair guest starring on the best horror television show to come down the pike in years – I loved it! Besides Blair, "The Usual Suspects" has a lot going for it – rock solid plot (even if it is terribly predictable), good special effects, and some nice humorous moments. Two things I really enjoyed were the way the story unfolded through flashback (i.e. the truth vs. Sam and Dean's story) and the little comments at the end referencing The Exorcist. Very cool. I've gotta give this one an 8/10. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with the rest of Season 2.

8/10

Charlie's Angels "Angels in Chains" #1.4 (1976) (TV)

2011-03-11T21:52:00.000-08:00

"I'm allergic to working in potato fields.", 26 June 2009

With the passing of Farrah Fawcett, I thought it was high time I revisited an episode or two from the first season of Charlie's Angels. I decided to skip around and take a look at some of my favorites. What better place to start than "Angels in Chains"? What an episode! The Angels are sent into a women's prison to investigate the disappearance of their client's sister. Once there, the girls are treated to a strip search, a delousing, potato digging, and the opportunity to turn a few quick tricks at a party. It seems the women in the prison who cooperate at the warden's little parties get special treatment. The whole thing plays like watered down Pam Grier WIP film. Farrah, Kate, and Jaclyn are all quite fabulous. They're joined by one of the better supporting casts that I can remember – featuring David Huddleston (you might not know the name, but if you're a fan of all things 70s, you'd recognize the face), Anthony James (who could play a whacko with the best of 'em), Kim Basinger, and Mary Woronov. Some of the moments that I really love are the low speed potato truck chase, watching Farrah roll around on the floor with her all too obvious fake stomach ache, Anthony James' unsubtle remarks and creepy leering at Jaclyn, and Kate's wisecrack to the guard that gets her a punch in the kidney for her effort. Fun stuff! Watching 33 years after the fact, it's hard to believe that this was scandalous back in the day. Today, it seems oddly quaint – entertaining, but quaint. I much prefer things like "Angels in Chains" to what gets past off as entertainment on television today.

8/10

Supernatural "Provenance" #1.19 (2006) (TV)

2011-03-11T21:44:00.000-08:00

"Well, this isn't exactly the first grave we've dug.", 26 June 2009

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD --- I recently finished watching the first season of Supernatural and, overall, I'm impressed. There are been a few things that have bugged me and some episodes that didn't necessarily work, but those instances have been rare. This particular episode, known as "Provenance", is a particular favorite of mine. In this one-off episode, Sam and Dean investigate a series of deaths that appear to be related to an unusual painting. It seems that each time someone takes ownership of the painting, they have their throats slit in the night. The painting depicts a family from roughly around the turn of the century. The story goes that the Father in the painting was a barber who went mad and killed himself and his family with a straight razor. But as Sam and Den eventually discover, it's not the Father who's come back for murder – it's the adopted daughter. And for me, that's what makes this episode so especially creepy – there aren't many images that frighten me like a murderous little girl, complete with frilly dress, welding a razor in one hand and dragging a doll behind her in the other. Spooky! It's a smartly written little story filled with wonderful atmosphere. The special effects, the cinematography (especially when the little girl makes her presence known), and the lighting are all as good as you'll find in any big budget movie. "Provenance" is a very entertaining, leave-the-lights-on-when-you-go-to-bed kind of episode.

9/10

Lightning Bolt (1966)

2011-03-11T21:35:00.000-08:00

- Operazione Goldman
Fairly standard spy stuff, 26 June 2009

Lightning Bolt doesn't come close to being what I'd call a "great" Euro-Spy film, but it's harmless enough and can be quite fun if you don't go into it expected the world. The basic plot has Harry Sennet (Anthony Eisley), our would-be hero, being sent to Cape Kennedy to investigate a series of rocket launches that have all ended in disaster. He quickly discovers that a ray of some sort coming from under the water is knocking out the rockets' guidance systems. But who's behind it and why? There are a few other surprises and twists to the plot, but it's all pretty standard stuff for a spy film.

Anthony Eisley is easily the worst thing Lightning Bolt has going for it. I found it difficult to root for him. He doesn't come across as a very good actor and is not capable of pulling off the role of the smug secret agent. Like the white socks he can be seen wearing with his suit and tie, he seems totally out of place. In fact, I probably should have just said that I didn't like a lot of the casting decisions in Lighting Bolt. Diana Lorys, normally a winner with me, is horribly miscast as spy boss Capt. Patricia Flanagan. And Folco Lulli's beer-maker turned super-villain Rether is more pathetic than terrifying. I about lost it when I saw this little fat man sitting behind his giant console in that giant room. Too funny! (Now that I'm thinking about it, that might have been what director Antonio Margheriti was going for – and ineffective looking bad guy. If so, he succeeded.) The only member of the main cast that worked for me was Wandisa Guida as Kary, the good girl turned bad girl turned good girl. What a hottie! Another thing that definitely worked for me is the whole look of the film. For example, Rether's underwater lair is awesome in its design and simplicity. It's not difficult to see where a major portion of Lightning Bolt's budget went. I've seen some complaints about Margheriti's use of miniatures. Maybe I'm showing my age, but I liked it. Sure, they're not realistic, but what is in a movie like Lightning Bolt. Riz Ortoliani's score is another highlight. It's a piece of music that fits the movie beautifully. Throw in some good action scenes, bodies frozen in a state of suspended animation, a cool gadget or two, and a group of henchmen dressed like Diabolik and you end up with a movie that I quite enjoyed despite its faults.

Finally, before I finish this, I feel compelled to write about one scene in the movie that left me scratching my head. A rocket is about to blast off from Cape Kennedy and Sennet knows it's going to be destroyed. What does he do? Does he call NASA or some other agency to notify them? No! Instead, Sennet drives his car through a fence and directly at the rocket as it takes off. What, does he have a death wish or something? Was he trying to be burned to a crisp? What did he hope to accomplish? What was his motivation? It's just one of the more puzzling scenes I've run across in a while.

6/10

Dick Smart 2.007 (1970)

2011-03-11T21:29:00.000-08:00

Why let a little thing like the plot get in the way of this much fun?, 25 June 2009

If you're a fan of far-out Euro-Spy films from the 60s with cool sets and set-pieces, exotic locations, Margaret Lee, groovy music, and over-the-top gadgets, and if the lack of a coherent plot doesn't bother you, then Dick Smart 2.007 is a must see. Actually, I'm not sure if the plot is really all that incoherent or if the audio on my transfer was so bad that I often couldn't tell what was going on. But why let a little thing like the plot get in the way of this much fun? What I did get out of it – Lady Lister (Margaret Lee) has gathered five of the most renowned nuclear scientists in the world and stashed them in her secret, underground Brazilian lair. She has developed a means of converting coal into diamonds using a controlled nuclear explosion. She has a partner in crime, McDiamond, who sees other possibilities for Lady Lister's discovery. The CIA (at least I think it was the CIA) hires part-time super-spy Dick Smart (Richard Wyler) to put a stop to their plans.

I'm still relatively new to the whole Euro-Spy scene, but what I'm quickly discovering is that Margaret Lee is to these movies what Edwige Fenech is to the Giallo (a genre I'm much more familiar with). Any Euro-Spy movie is better simply because Margaret Lee is in it. Unfortunately, in too many of these movies she's little more than eye-candy with nothing much to do. That's not the case here. In Dick Smart 2.007, she's on equal footing with her male co-star. Speaking of her male co-star, Richard Wyler is adequate – not spectacular – just adequate. The rest of the cast was okay with me. Good pace, good action, and a lot of those quirky moments that I just love. I mean how can you not just love a spy movie with a motorcycle that transforms into a little helicopter or a submarine at the push of a button? Unlike some of the other Euro-Spy movies I've seen recently, Dick Smart 2.007 seems to have had a larger budget than normal as evidenced by the bad guy's cool underground secret base and the wonderful travelogue type shots of Brazil. Mario Nascimbene's music is another real highlight. I dare anyone to watch Dick Smart 2.007 and not be humming the music afterward. Finally, I realize these movies might not be for anyone, but I find them incredibly entertaining – bad dubbing and all. A solid 7/10 from me.

7/10

Agent for H.A.R.M. (1966)

2011-03-11T21:22:00.000-08:00

"Better go back to the judo range.", 24 June 2009

Agent for H.A.R.M. is about the lamest excuse for a spy movie that I've ever seen. Everything from the plot to the film's supposed hero to the locations is second rate. The lame plot concerns Professor Jan Stefanik and his search for the antidote to a biological weapon he created while working in some unnamed Eastern Bloc Communist country. A U.S. agency known as H.A.R.M. sends one of its top men, Adam Chance (Peter Mark Richman), out to protect the Professor. Complicating matters is the Professor's bikini-wearing niece, Ava Vestok (Barbara Bouchet), who may or may not be in league with the bad guys. Agent Chance bungles things and the bad guys are able to snatch the Professor. Can Chance rescue the Professor and save his secrets? Does anyone really care?

I realize that attempting any sort of comparison between Agent for H.A.R.M. / Adam Chance and James Bond is an exercise in futility and a waste of time, but here goes anyway:

- James Bond – Sean Connery looking debonair in his tuxedos and tailored clothing ----- Adam Chance – Peter Mark Richman doing his best Mr. Rogers impersonation in his ever present cardigan

- James Bond – Constantly faces the prospect of defusing bombs ----- Adam Chance – Watch in awe as Chance dismantles a television

- James Bond – Movies are filled with really cool gadgets ----- Adam Chance - The spore gun – a weapon that shoots a wad of green goo. Admittedly, it leads to a horrible death, but come on, it looks like something Nickelodeon might have come up with in the 90s.

- James Bond – Drives awesome cars like his Aston Martin ----- Adam Chance – Drives the family station-wagon

- James Bond – Constantly wooing the ladies and charming them over to his side ----- Adam Chance – Comes across as a perv in a raincoat on the beach

- James Bond – Super villains with massive, secret, underground lairs ----- Adam Chance – The bad guys use an airplane hanger in Mexico

- James Bond – Exotic locations like the casinos of Monte Carlo or the ski slopes of the Swiss Alps ----- Adam Chance – Spends most of his time at a rented beach house in Southern California

- James Bond – Beautiful women like Ursula Andress or Honor Blackman ----- Adam Chance – Barbara Bouchet (Okay, this one's a draw. Bouchet is easily the best thing that Agent for H.A.R.M. has going for it.)

See what I mean – there's really no comparison. With all that being said, however, I'll be generous and give Agent for H.A.R.M. a 4/10. Despite its many shortcomings, there is some entertainment value to be had. As unexplainable as it may seem, I do enjoy some of the movie. But that probably says more about me than the quality of Agent for H.A.R.M.

4/10

Special Mission Lady Chaplin (1966)

2011-03-11T21:13:00.000-08:00

- Missione speciale Lady Chaplin
I hate that they only made three of these movies, 23 June 2009

Special Mission Lady Chaplin is the third and final installment in the Agent 077 Dick Malloy series. I realize it's a matter of opinion, but they might just have saved the best for last. In this one, Dick Malloy (Ken Clark) is searching for 16 nuclear warheads taken from a downed submarine. Suspicion immediately falls on underwater salvager and mega-rich Kobre Zoltan (Jacques Bergerac). And these suspicions are soon proved true as he tries to sell the bombs to the highest bidder. Working with Zoltan is his right hand woman, Lady Chaplin (Daniela Bianchi). She's a world renowned fashion designer, a master of disguise, and a heartless assassin. Can Malloy lure Lady Chaplin over to his side in his effort to find the missiles?

Whether this is your favorite of the series or not, one thing seems clear, this is the most James Bond-ish movie of the bunch. From the music to the wonderful villain to the presence of Daniela Bianchi to the whole feel of the film – it all screams James Bond. It's not hard to picture Sean Connery fighting the man with the steal hook or coming out of the water with a grenade launching spear gun or romancing Lady Chaplin. Bond would have been right at home. Even the plot should seem familiar to Bond fans. It's basically yet another version of Thunderball.

While it's difficult to compare a movie like Special Mission Lady Chaplin to a James Bond film because of budgetary considerations, that doesn't keep this movie from being a lot of fun. Once again, Ken Clark is outstanding. By this, the third film he played Malloy, he'd really made the character his own. Jacques Bergerac makes for a great super villain. He's cocky, sure of himself, and ruthless - everything you want in a bad guy. As is usual in this kind of movie, Daniela Bianchi is terrific. And, she looked to be having a wonderful time in her role. The movie is well paced with very few dull spots to slow things down. Lots of good fight scenes, spy gadgets, and groovy clothes are other highlights of Special Mission Lady Chaplin. The exotic locations add a lot to the overall feel of the film. I've already mentioned the music, but I'll do so again. Bruno Nicolai's score is rock solid. That theme music will definitely get stuck in your head. Anyway you look at it, this one's a keeper. If I've got one complaint it would be the poor quality of the dubbing. It really distracts from things.

8/10

From the Orient with Fury (1965)

2011-03-11T21:05:00.000-08:00

- Agente 077 dall'oriente con furore
Not as good as the first in the series, but still entertaining, 22 June 2009

From the Orient with Fury (or one of the other half dozen names this movie goes by) is Ken Clark's second outing as Dick Malloy, Agent 077. While I didn't enjoy it as much as the first in the series, Mission Bloody Mary, it's still a fun movie and definitely worth checking out if you're a fan of Euro-Spy films. In this one, Malloy is searching for a kidnapped scientist who has developed a beta ray that will instantaneously dissolve all metal. Along the way he runs into a pack of baddies intent on stopping him, Russian spies, and enough beautiful women to make even James Bond envious. I'll be honest - the plot doesn't really matter much. There were times as I was watching From the Orient with Fury when I couldn't remember what Malloy's ultimate mission was. But I still was having fun, so who cares. Ken Clark has an easy going air about him that makes him great to watch. I'm really starting to enjoy his work. He's joined in the cast by one of my new Euro favorites, Margaret Lee, Evi Marandi, and the ever-present Franco Ressel. It seems sometimes that I run into Ressel in just about every Italian movie I watch. Terrific location shots from Paris to Madrid to Istanbul add to the overall feel of the film. If I had to point to one weakness that keeps me from rating From the Orient with Fury as high as its predecessor it would be the repetitive nature of some of the fight scenes. I think Malloy runs into and fights the same four or five henchmen at least a eight or nine times. It does tend to get a bit old. Otherwise, I've got few real complaints. I'll give this one a 6/10 upon my initial viewing.

6/10

She Beast (1966)

2011-03-11T16:26:00.000-08:00

- La sorella di Satana
Too little Barbara Steele and too much comedy that doesn't work, 21 June 2009

Is there anyone more deserving of the title Queen of Gothic Horror than Barbara Steele? Most of her films are brilliant. From Mario Bava's masterpiece Black Sunday all the way to some of her lesser work like The Ghost or Terror Creatures from the Grave, I've enjoyed each and every one of these movies. The same, however, cannot be said for The She-Beast. What a disappointing disaster of a movie! I admit, it probably has something to do with my expectations for the film, but I found very little to enjoy in what I saw on the screen. The basic set-up was okay, if not a bit familiar to fans of Gothic horror – two centuries ago in a small Transylvanian village, a witch vows to one day get her revenge as she's being put to death in a local lake. When a vacationing couple crashes into the lake, the beautiful wife somehow morphs into the body of the hideous, long-dead witch and begins making good on her 200 year-old threat. See what I mean – a good Gothic horror set-up. But things quickly begin falling apart. I'll keep this brief, but my problem with The She-Beast is too little Barbara Steele and too much ridiculous comedy. First, Ms. Steele is only in the film for about 15 minutes. She may have top billing, but it's obviously for her name alone. Second and my biggest complaint, I was totally put off by the Keystone Kops-like, over-the-top and not funny in the slightest comedy bits that are thrown into The She-Beast. From goofy, eccentric characters to a ludicrous chase scene – it all feels like it belongs in another movie. And, as I said, it's not funny. As much as I hate to give anything with Barbara Steele a low rating, The She-Beast is a disappointing film that deserves no more than a 3/10.

3/10

Goliath and the Dragon (1960)

2011-03-11T16:21:00.000-08:00

- La vendetta di Ercole
A good opening, a good ending, but dull in between, 19 June 2009

For a sword and sandal movie, Goliath and the Dragon has about the most convoluted and ridiculously hard to follow plot that I can remember. It was kind of like watching two or more different movies at the same time where the pieces just never seem to fit into a cohesive whole. Based on what I did get out of it, King Eurystheus (Broderick Crawford) has it out for Goliath. He kidnaps Goliath's brother Illus and, when that doesn't work, he kidnaps Goliath's wife. King Eurystheus also has the hots for a babe about a third his age who just happens to be in love with Illus. To win her over, King Eurystheus takes the reasoned approach of having her imprisoned as well. In the meantime, Goliath is off doing battle with a three-headed dog, a giant flying bat creature, a wife-snatching centaur, and a dragon that can't seem to decide whether it's a stop-motion creature or a big, goofy looking puppet. In the end, Goliath literally brings down the walls of King Eurystheus' fortress and, with the help of an army from Thebes, saves the day.

Overall, Goliath and the Dragon is a real mixed bag – hence my very average 5/10 rating. There's a lot about the movie I enjoyed. The beyond cheesy fight scenes with the various creatures I mentioned is an obvious place to start. These scenes are just plain old fun. I also enjoyed the scenes of prisoners being crushed by a trained elephant. You don't see stuff like that everyday. Watching Goliath tackle the elephant was a hoot. But when Goliath and the Dragon is bad, it's real bad. Some of the acting is painful. Mark Forest, the requisite body in this sword and sandal epic, is about as wooden as you'll find in one of these movies. He moves in a very unnatural manner that looked odd to me for lack of a better word. And what's Broderick Crawford doing in this movie? He's so out of place I often felt embarrassed for him. Another big negative for me is how deathly dull much of the movie is. When Goliath's not fighting some creature, the movie can be terribly sleep inducing. Too many unnecessarily confusing plot points, too many characters I didn't know or care about, and too many scenes with nothing going on – not the sign of a what I'd call a good movie. Like I said, Goliath and the Dragon is a real mixed bag.

5/10

Mission Bloody Mary (1965)

2011-03-11T16:13:00.000-08:00

- Agente 077 missione Bloody Mary
Nice Euro-Spy Fun, 19 June 2009

I'm relatively new to the whole Euro-Spy movie scene and, as a result, I may have misjudged some movies in the past (i.e. I may have to go back and re-do some user comments). I've been looking at these movies as poor James Bond imitations that could never possibly live up to the real thing. But you know, I've come to realize there is a certain charm to be found in many of these movies. The Euro-Spy movies I've seen so far generally feature plenty of fight scenes, car chases, handsome leading men, beautiful women, often breathtaking locations, interesting villains, catchy music, and some real creative and original ideas. These movies were most often made on shoestring budgets with tight shooting schedules and fuzzy plots and very often featuring actors that no one would call Oscar caliber. But the most important thing about Euro-Spy movies that I've come to realize is what an absolute blast many of them are. This has got to be the most fun and entertaining overlooked genre of films out there.

On to the movie at hand – Mission Bloody Mary. I've seen some Euro-Spy movies that I enjoyed more, but this is a good one. Ken Clark plays CIA Agent Dick Malloy. He's a no nonsense kind of agent who uses his fists with the best of them. In Mission Bloody Mary, Malloy is hot on the trail of a stolen nuclear device. But he's not alone. It seems that every one from the Chinese to the Russians to a mysterious character known only as the Black Lily is also after the device. Complicating matters (or at least making things more interesting) is Malloy's would-be partner Elsa Freeman (Helga Line). Malloy spends a good part of the movie and a good deal of energy trying to determine just which side she's on – his or theirs.

Mission Bloody Mary may not be as over-the-top as other Euro-Spy movies, but it's still very entertaining. Clark makes an excellent lead. He's a rough and tumble kind of guy with a winning smile and a good screen presence. Like a lot of these Euro movies from the 60s, the biggest downside of Clark's character comes from the spotty dubbing. Any movie with Helga Line is better just because she's in it. Mission Bloody Mary may be one of my more favorite performances I've seen from her. The plot is solid and never gets in the way of the action. The movie moves at a good pace with very few dull spots. My biggest complaint is the Black Lily. The actual menace provided by this master criminal is disappointing to say the least. The budget was obviously tight on the film but Sergio Grieco does the best with what he's got. One of the "special effects" I really got a kick out of is the nuclear device itself. It reminds me of a 1950s era chrome juicer that kind of wiggles every time the case it's in is opened. It's silly looking alright, but for me it only adds to the movie's charm I mentioned previously.

Overall, I'd call Mission Bloody Mary a solid, fun movie. I've got very few reservations in my 7/10 rating.

7/10

Operation Double 007 (1967)

2011-03-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

Entertaining Euro-spy thriller with James Bond's little brother, 12 June 2009

If you're a fan of the Euro-spy movies made in the 60s, how can you not just love Operation Double 007? Using the success of James Bond as a model, those crazy Italians certainly made some crazy spy movies. This one stars Sean Connery's brother, Neil Connery (who plays a character cleverly named Neil Connery) as a plastic surgeon / hypnotist / lip reader. With tongue firmly in cheek, we also learn that Neil is the brother of a famous spy and, as his brother is unavailable, the government wants Neil to stand in and give them a hand. Before you can say Dr. No, Neil's up to his neck in beautiful women, a super-villain with a nuclear device, the obligatory henchmen, archers on horse back, gun fights, car chases, blind Arab rug-weavers, can-can dancers, explosions, underground lairs, and a Japanese woman kidnapped by the world's most vicious nun/nurse. Don't worry, it all makes sense in the end (well, sort of anyway). Besides, if there's a loose end here or there, who cares when you're having this much fun.

Joining Connery in the cast is a plethora of Bond vets including Daniela Bianchi, Adolfo Celi, Bernard Lee, and Lois Maxwell. It's a real treat to see them all in a different setting. In particular, it's great to see Lois Maxwell out from behind that desk she always sat at in the Bond movies. Here, she's not only gets out in the field, but she gets the chance to mow down baddies with a machine gun as well. Celi, always the bad guy in a movie like this, looks like he's having the time of his life. There's at least one scene where it's not hard to notice a small smile come to his face and you've got to wonder how close he came to losing it. But as much as I enjoyed both of these fine actors, I was particularly impressed with the work of Daniela Bianchi from From Russia with Love fame. In Operation Double 007, she gets to play both the good and bad girl, wear some over-the-top outfits, and look generally fabulous. It's a shame she didn't go on to do more after this movie. She had a definite screen presence about her.

There are some out there who want to label Operation Double 007 a "James Bond rip-off". It's not a rip-off, it's a parody – and a good one at that. Operation Double 007 was released the same year as the more famous Bond parody Casino Royale. The big difference is that Casino Royale is one big, bloated mess of a movie that's rarely funny. Operation Double 007, on the other hand, is a blast. In fact, and this may be blasphemous to some, but it's more fun than about half of the Bond movies. It's too bad it's never had a proper R1 DVD release so that more people might discover this movie. The only way I've seen the movie is courtesy of a DVD-R of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode on which it appeared. It's a great episode, but I would love to see a good release without the bots and their comments.

7/10

The Headless Ghost (1959)

2011-03-11T10:22:00.000-08:00

Lifeless, 11 June 2009

I suppose that The Headless Ghost is harmless enough, but honestly, movies don't get much more bland than this. It's a bit like eating a mayonnaise sandwich on white bread - not very exciting with nothing to look forward to. The plot is laid out in the first 10 minutes and everything that follows fits nicely in place with nary a surprise in sight. While touring a supposed haunted castle, three college students hide out so they can spend the night and write about their experiences. They soon meet a whole gang of ghosts - one of which is missing his head. To get out of the castle, the intrepid trio will have to help the ghost find his head. Unfortunately, that's about all there is to it. What a big bland way to spend an hour or so of your life! The college students are as dull as dishwater, their comedy bits are too lame to be funny, there's not a thrill or fright to be had, and the dialogue is stilted and uninteresting. In fact there's really not an exciting moment to be had in all of The Headless Ghost. A 3/10 from me.

3/10

Squirm (1976)

2011-03-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

"You gonna be da' worm face!", 11 June 2009

Squirm's plot centers on a small town in rural Georgia that has just witnessed a tremendous storm. Power lines are down and electricity is going straight into the ground forcing some dramatic and deadly changes to otherwise docile and innocuous worms. A young woman named Geri and her Yankee, antique hunting boyfriend named Mick are the only ones who seem to have a clue about what's going on and are now in a fight for their lives against the murderous worms.

I first saw Squirm about 20 or so years ago and, to be honest, didn't really care for it. At the time I suppose I would have rated it about a 3/10 (if I had been rating movies 20 or so years ago). For lack of a better word, it didn't "click" with me. Well, thank goodness for Mystery Science Theater 3000. Over the past several years, I've probably watched the Squirm episode of MST3K a half a dozen times. And each time, I've found myself enjoying the movie more and more. I may never consider Squirm one of my favorite all-time movies, but I now rate it a solid 6/10 (and still climbing). It's a nice addition to the Nature Run Amuck or the Man vs. Nature sub-genre of horror movies so popular in the 70s.

Much of what I initially disliked about the movie are the very same things I now see as positives. First off, the over-blown Southern accents really bothered me the first few times I watched Squirm. Now I realize they're not to be taken seriously. Like most everything else in the movie, the over-the-top "Southerness" of Geri, her family, and the entire town of Fly Creek is a huge asset. It adds a lot of character and overall fun to the movie. There were also a number of characters that initially really got on my nerves. From Mama to the Sheriff, I had trouble watching several of them. Over the years, however, I've grown to appreciate these eccentric caricatures and what they add to the movie. For example, I can't imagine watching Squirm without Mama's Gone with the Wind like pronouncements on everything from the weather to the seating arrangements at dinner. Next, I originally looked at the killer worm plot as being about the stupidest thing I had ever watched. But you know, I think it's supposed to be that way. The notion of rampaging worms is a hilarious, campy scream - and oh so much fun. Add to all this the really nice low budget special effects, solid acting by a group of unknown actors (for many, this was their only screen credit), wonderfully authentic Georgia locations, good pacing, and a steady directorial hand and it's amazing it's taken me this long to appreciate Squirm.

Once again, thank you MST3K for opening my eyes to this entertaining little movie.

6/10

The Blood Beast Terror (1968)

2011-03-11T05:18:00.000-08:00

As usual, Peter Cushing rises above the material he was given to work with, 8 June 2009

Peter Cushing was really amazing. Regardless of the movie, he's an absolute joy to watch work. In The Blood Beast Terror (which I understand Cushing considered one of his worst movies if not the absolute worst), Cushing does a tremendous job given the film's ridiculous premise. I hate to use the word silly when describing a plot but that's just what the storyline in The Blood Beast Terror is – silly. Cushing plays Detective Quennell, an inspector hot on the trail of vicious killer. But this is no ordinary killer Quennell's hunting. His target is a flying creature that sucks the blood from its prey. Can Quennell catch the creature before his daughter becomes the next victim? So, what's Quennell chasing? Get ready for this – he's chasing a giant moth. That's right, a giant were-moth! That's really what we have here – a were-moth. I told you it was silly. I can't imagine the thought process that went into creating the idea of a human transforming into a moth. And how do you pitch that one to the studio? No wonder The Blood Beast Terror was made by little Tigon and not Hammer or Amicus. In addition, the special effects add nothing to already ridiculous goings on. It's obvious the filmmakers' ideas far outstripped their budget given the thankfully brief appearance of the ludicrous looking were-moth. The thing looks so . . . silly (there's that word again). Add to that a complete lack of mystery, some dodgy acting from a couple of the cast members (Vanessa Howard in particular), and misplaced music queues throughout, and you've got yourself one pretty bad movie.

But as bad as it is (and trust me, it's bad), Peter Cushing is always worth watching. The man could do more in a scene by himself than a roomful of other less talented actors. He was a truly great actor and one of the best the horror genre has ever seen. Also on the plus side are the very authentic looking locations, costumes, sets, and props. The movie might not be very good, but much of it is very interesting to look at. Finally, I got a real kick out of seeing a very young David Griffin's efforts in The Blood Beast Terror. I really enjoy his later work as Emmet in the very British sitcom, Keeping Up Appearances.

4/10

The Scorpion with Two Tails (1982)

2011-03-11T04:10:00.000-08:00

- Assassinio al cimitero etrusco
Martino's worst Giallo, 7 June 2009

He may not be quite as well known among casual fans of Italian genre films as the names Bava or Argento, but Sergio Martino is responsible for some of the absolute best Gialli ever made. His earlier, frequent collaborations with Edwige Fenech are almost legendary and produced some of the best films this genre has to offer. Movies like The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, All the Colors of the Dark, and Your Vice is a Locked Door and Only I Have the Key are all among my favorites. Unfortunately, Scorpion with Two Tails does not come close to measuring up to Martino's previous successes. There are any number of problems I had with the film, but chief among them is that it's about as dull as any Giallo I can remember seeing. A plot involving an Etruscan Cemetery, a missing shipment of heroin, bad guys trying to find both, and a beautiful young woman with visions of Etruscan ceremonies – it just never drew me in the way Martino's other films have. Also, I never really cared for any of the characters. Elvire Audray plays the role usually played by Edwige Fenech in one of Martino's movies (she almost resembles a blond Edwige). But to be blunt, Elvire Audray is no Edwige Fenech. She has none of Edwige's screen presence or charisma. Genre legend John Saxon is on hand, but his role is so small that it really added nothing to the film. Saxon was most likely hired to put a "name" on the cast list. And when the killer was revealed, it had no effect on me at all. I didn't care enough about any of the characters to even care who the killer was. Also, I'm not a big fan of supernatural elements being thrown into a Giallo. These movies should be all about black gloved killers, stalking their human prey for greed, money, or jealousy. The risen spirit of an ancient Etruscan just doesn't feel right. As much as I hate to give a Martino Giallo such a low rating, I don't have a choice in this case. Scorpioin with Two Tails really doesn't deserve much more than a 3/10.

3/10

Mama Dracula (1980)

2011-03-10T18:03:00.000-08:00

Seriously, that's one of the worst excuses for a movie I've ever seen, 5 June 2009

What a load! Regardless of how bad a movie is, when I write on of these user comments, I usually try to add a touch of humor or a joke here or there (how effective I am, I don't know). But with Mama Dracula I've decided to dispense with this little habit and cut to the chase as it were. Mama Dracula is quite simply dreadful. I don't know when I've been less entertained by a movie. Most of it comes off as amateur hour at its worst. The plot is an incomprehensible mess. The best I got out of it was that it involved the old Elizabeth Bathory story, a pair of utterly ridiculous twin vampires, a doctor who has developed synthetic blood, and the search for virgins. But it hardly mattered as Mama Dracula's plot is there only to set up one lame comedic bit after the next – most involving the twin vampires played by the Wajneberg brothers. Two un-funnier human beings I've not seen – unless, that is, you find humor in an hour and a half of mugging for the camera. And what in God's name was Louise Fletcher doing in this garbage? That Academy Award certainly paid dividends for her. I can only assume she was either trying to help out a friend, hard up for cash, or blackmailed into appearing in the movie. She literally looks embarrassed in almost every scene she has. The rest of the cast is abysmal and the less said the better. You know, I'm usually not one to say something like this, but man, that's 90 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't walk - run if you're ever faced with the prospect of watching Mama Dracula. You'll thank me later.

1/10

Return of the Ape Man (1944)

2011-03-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

Talk about false advertising - What happened to George Zucco?, 31 May 2009

Two scientists, Prof. Dexter and Prof. Gilmore (played by horror legends Bela Lugosi and John Carradine), have developed a method of reanimating a frozen body with no adverse affects. They decide to test their discovery on a primitive man frozen in ice for thousands of years. Again, they find success. Still not satisfied, Prof. Dexter wants to place half of a modern brain into his primitive guinea pig. But where to find a brain? Prof Dexter's not above murder if it will advance his theories.

I'm usually willing to cut these Poverty Row films a break, but Return of the Ape Man features the worst of what these movies had to offer. First off, there's the incredibly misleading credit sequence that promises George Zucco. I'm a huge fan of Zucco. I was actually more interested in watching him than either Bela Lugosi or John Carradine. And even though his name appears twice in the opening credits, he's nowhere to be found. What's up with that! Next, the overall acting is absolutely terrible. Carradine has so little to do that he's hardly in the movie – and acts it. You can usually count on Lugosi for a fun performance, but even he appears to be going through the motions. The rest of the unknown cast is abysmal, except for Teala Loring. She provides the one lone spark Return of the Ape Man has to offer. Thirdly, the titular Ape Man is hardly an Ape Man at all. He looks more like a guy with long hair and a beard. It's a hoot to listen to character after character describe the hippy looking dude as more ape-like than man. My guess is that Monogram came up with a title and had a script before they checked their budget for the special effects necessary to create an Ape Man. Finally, even by Monogram standards, Return of the Ape Man is cheap looking. Often, the sets look like they might have fallen over had someone breathed too heavily in the wrong direction. And the Arctic expedition scenes are laugh out loud funny in how cheap they are. A few seconds of stock footage followed by Carradine and Lugosi standing around talking while wearing the most ridiculous fur coats and hats does not make for a very authentic looking scene. Return of the Ape Man might be the bottom of the proverbial barrel as far as Poverty Row thrillers goes. I'm being generous with my 3/10.

3/10

Atlas Against the Cyclops (1961)

2011-03-10T15:05:00.000-08:00

- Maciste nella terra dei ciclopi
"Now we'll have some entertainment. Take him to the pit!", 27 May 2009

In Atlas in the Land of the Cyclops, our hero Maciste (Maciste, Atlas, Samson, Hercules - what's in a name?) must safeguard the life of a young prince whose father has been killed by the evil Queen Capys. The Queen wants the child so that she can break a centuries old curse by handing the baby over to the Cyclops she keeps chained in a pit. At first she attempts to use her womanly ways on Maciste, but to no avail. And as predictable as the sun following the night, the Queen ends up falling for Maciste. But there are others in the Queen's court who still seek the child and an end to the curse. Can Maciste rescue the baby and defeat the Cyclops before it's too late?

Atlas in the Land of the Cyclops is what I'll call an above average example of the peplums or sword and sandal movies being pumped-out of Italy from the late 1950s to the mid 1960s. Gordon Mitchell is on hand to provide the beef of the title role. He may not have been as big as Steve Reeves (who all Italian movie muscle men must necessarily be compared) or some of the others, but he's got a winning smile and a definite athleticism about him. Chelo Alonso as Queen Capys is a real beauty and quite good in her role. In fact, the whole cast is quite nice. The Cyclops is very well done and another example of the fine, creative work being done before the advent of CGI - even by low-budget Italian filmmakers. Lots of good fight scenes, very few long drawn-out dialogue filled moments, and plenty of guys running around with those scrub-brush looking helmets - what's not to love. I guess my biggest complaints are with the dubbing and the state of available DVD transfers. The dubbing is incredibly stilted. In a few scenes, Mitchell sounds a bit like Tonto from the old Lone Ranger series. As for the available transfers, I can only assume that my enjoyment of Atlas in the Land of the Cyclops would have been enhanced had it not seemed I was watching the movie through dirty dishwater. Even with these negatives, and I realize I may be overstating things a bit here, I'll go ahead and give it a 7/10 and recommend it to fans of peplums.

7/10

Prisoners of the Lost Universe (1983)

2011-03-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

John Saxon as MC Hammer, 27 May 2009

Prisoners of the Lost Universe is a remarkably underwhelming fantasy/adventure film that offer very little in the way of thrills or excitement. A brief plot synopsis: A couple is accidentally transmitted to an alternate reality and quickly become separated. The woman, Carrie (Kay Lenz), has been taken prisoner by a vicious warlord named Kleel (John Saxon). Her new beau, Dan (Richard Hatch), with the help of a ragtag band of misfits, sets out to free Carrie and find a way home.

I'm not sure how many South African made movies I've actually seen so I can only hope that this isn't an example of that country's film industry. Prisoners of the Lost Universe plays a bit like a cross between one of those cheap sword and sorcerer movies so popular in the 1980s and something like Romancing the Stone with a bit of cross-dimensional time-travel thrown in for good measure. None of it works, mainly because the whole plot is terribly tired and has that "been there, done that" feel to most of it. The quirky characters that pop-up throughout the movie aren't interesting enough to care about. And the relationship between the two main characters, Carrie and Dan, is handled in such a ham-fisted and forced manner that it provides nothing in the way of a spark for the movie. The relationship between the two main characters exists only because in these kinds of movies there is always a relationship between the two main characters. The lone bright spot for me was John Saxon. His over-acting in every scene, even when doing nothing but lying on a bed, was a joy to behold. However, I could have done without the orange MC Hammer-inspired pants he wore during much of the movie. In the end, this one's a real dud. A 3/10 from me.

One last note - I knew I was in trouble right from the start when I noticed that both of the vehicles the main characters were driving had right side steering wheels. This wouldn't be so unusual, but they were supposed to be in California.

3/10

Kindar the Invulnerable (1965)

2011-03-10T14:56:00.000-08:00

- Kindar l'invulnerabile
An interesting twist on the standard formula, 21 May 2009

The son of a Sultan named Siro, Kindar is born just as his mother is hit and killed by lightning. The strange happenings at his birth make Kindar invulnerable to all human attacks, save one – the mysterious red rose. But soon after his birth, Kindar is kidnapped and taken to grow up as the the son of a desert warrior and bandit named Seymuth. Seymuth's one ambition in life is to destroy Kindar's real father and his city. And with an invulnerable son at his side, no one would dare stand in his way. But before Seymuth's grand day of glory, Kindar learns the truth of his birth. Which side will Kindar choose – Siro or Seymuth? And how will the discovery of the red rose affect the events to come?

Something of a rare peplum, Kindar the Invulnerable is also a bit different from the standard fare. Instead of ancient Athens or Rome or Sparta, Kindar the Invulnerable is set in the deserts of North Africa. I'm not sure where the movie was filmed, but it looks wonderfully authentic. The vast, empty deserts, the lush oasis, and the walled city of Uthera – it's a nice change of pace from the normal scenes of coliseums and chariot races. Another plus for me was the acting. While Mark Forest is basically "the body" the role of Kindar calls for, he's as good as any of the muscle-bound would-be actors that populated these peplums. In fact, I was actually a bit impressed with his acting prowess. The rest of the cast includes the always welcome genre favorite Rosalba Neri in a small role and Mimmo Palmara chewing more scenery than one actor has a right to in his role as Seymuth. I must admit that I was also enjoyed the performance of Dea Flowers in her one and only listed credit. I'm amazed she didn't do anything else. Finally, there are a couple of moments in Kindar the Invulnerable that really caught me off guard by how well they were shot. Two of my favorites that I'll mention are Kindar's nighttime trip into the walled city and the film's finale with Kindar back home holding his one true love. That last one may be hokey, but it's a wonderful shot nonetheless. You know, other than a slow patch in the film's second act, I've got no complaints. I'll give Kindar the Invulnerable a strong 6/10. If you're a fan of the genre, this is one worth seeking out for its uniqueness if nothing else.

6/10