The Minotaur, the Wild Beast of Crete (1960)

“Receive, oh Minotaur, the sacrifice of our virgin youth in tribute to thy vast glory.”, 19 July 2019

The quick pitch:  On her mother’s deathbed, Princess Fedra learns she has a twin.  Her reaction is to order her lost sister’s death. Oh, and there’s a minotaur living below the palace that requires virgin sacrifices.

For a movie called The Minotaur, the Wild Beast of Crete, I expected a bit more Minotaur action.  The creature doesn’t really make an appearance until the last 10 minutes, so he’s hardly a factor.  In the age of CGI we live in, the Minotaur may look silly and stiff, but I found the look pretty effective.  Fortunately, with all the plotting and scheming of Princess Fedra, there’s enough here to at least be somewhat entertaining.  Rosanna Schiaffino does an acceptable job in the dual role of the evil Fedra and the kind-hearted Arianna.  In addition, Alberto Lupo is convincing as Fedra’s sinister sidekick. They really are an enjoyable pair. And, as I’ve already alluded to, much of the plot is entertaining - nothing groundbreaking, but I found myself drawn into the story.  If it weren’t for the clunky acting on the part of hero Bob Mathias and the even clunkier fight choreography, I could’ve seen myself rate this one much higher. Still, a 5/10 ain’t all bad.

5/10

Zone Troopers (1985)

It’s all so cheap looking, 17 July 2019

The quick pitch:  In the midst of WWII, the Nazis and Allies find something else to fight over - a crashed alien craft.

Ever wondered what would have happened if aliens had crashed in the middle of a WWII battlefield?  Yeah, me neither.  Zone Troopers takes this lame idea and sucks the life out of it.  The script is horribly dull, the direction is flat, and the acting is poor.  My biggest complaint though is that Zone Troopers is so cheap looking.  I wasn’t expecting much from the aliens (and the FX didn’t disappoint), but I hoped for more from the battle scenes.  Instead of battle-hardend soldiers, these guys reminded me of yokels playing paintball out in the woods.  The googly-eyed alien comes of looking not-half-bad in comparison.  

My “favorite” bit had to be the American soldier punching HItler.  How stupid was that?


3/10

Haloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

"MIchael's work is not finished in Haddonfield." 17 October 2018

The quick pitch:  After a six year hiatus, Michael Myers returns to slice and dice his way through Haddonfield.  There’s also some nonsense about Tommy Doyle (from the first Halloween movie), a baby, a man in black, and a cult called Thorn.

It’s really hard to fathom how the Halloween series went from the atmospheric brilliance of the original film to the Gawd-awful mess called Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers.  I really don’t have much of anything positive to say. Most importantly, the script is a disaster. I know there’s a longer cut out there that’s supposed to clear-up some of the problems with the script, but no thanks.  I’m not going to watch an extra 45 minutes just to get more on the utterly ridiculous man in black and Thorn. Who could care less? You have to work hard to write a Halloween script that’s this boring, predictable, and unscary.  Add to that mostly bad acting, unlikable characters, silly dialogue, terrible music, and a complete lack of logic, and you’ve reached the absolute nadir of the Halloween series.

Watching Paul Rudd in Halloween 6, it’s hard to imagine he would go on to have the career he has.  He’s not very good here.

2/10

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

"It's getting late.  I could use a drink.", 16 October 2018

The quick pitch:  An evil toy maker creates a line of Halloween masks designed to horrifically kill the wearers on Halloween night.  All of this without a whiff of Michael Myers.

It’s too bad this movie was titled Halloween III.  The film gets an unfair shake from those who whine about it not being a Michael Myers film. John Carpenter always intended for the Halloween franchise to be like this - a different Halloween-themed story each year.  I wish the series had kept this idea.

I’ve always enjoyed watching Halloween III: Season of the Witch.  To begin with, I’ve always found the Myers-less plot of Part III fairly original.  Sure, the story’s not perfect and some of it makes no sense (Stonehenge? Really?), but there’s enough here that we’ve never seen before to keep things interesting.  Dan O’Herlihy makes for an excellent, but underutilized, baddie. His Stepford-esque henchmen are especially creepy. Another plus are the special effects - perfectly gory.  Even after repeat viewings, there’s at least one scene I still find disturbing and difficult to watch. Finally Stacey Nelkin has to be one of the most stunning women I’ve ever seen in a horror movie.  If I didn’t find Tom Atkins and his questionable mustache so unappealing and that Silver Shamrock earworm jingle so annoying, I might rate Halloween III even higher.

6/10

Killer Bees (1974)

I liked it more than I should, 15 October 2018

The quick pitch:  Gloria Swanson plays Madame Maria von Bohlen, matriarch of a family of South African winemakers.  Madame (as her family calls her) controls almost all aspects of the family, the wine business, and even the bees, so integral to the family’s success.  But when her black sheep son turns-up with a finance in tow, Madame and the bees don’t respond too well.

Overall, Killer Bees is about what you’d expect from a 1974 made-for-TV movie - typical made-for-TV cast, poor (and I mean really poor) special effects, and not nearly enough horror for a horror movie (it needed more bee attacks).  But one thing Killer Bees has going for it is that final twist in the last act. I’m not going to spoil it - I’ll just say that it belongs in a much better movie. It really was a nice finish to what was otherwise a fairly routine film.  Nice enough to get a 6/10 from me.

I suppose there are two other things I enjoyed about Killer Bees.  First, I always enjoy seeing my favorite of Charlie’s Angels, Kate Jackson.  Her acting in the final moments of Killer Bees was never better. Second, watching Gloria Swanson in Killer Bees was a real treat.  Several times, I thought she was going into full-on Norma Desmond-mode as she overacted her way through this cheap, TV film. Good stuff!

6/10

Mutant (1984)

A decent little zombie movie, 3 October 2018

The quick pitch:  A couple of brothers find themselves stranded in a small Southern town where the residents are slowly being turned into zombie-like creatures.  Predictably, there’s also a grumpy sheriff, a final girl, and a fight-for-your-life showdown.

First, pay no attention to the video/poster artwork you’ll find all over the internet for Mutant.  In fact, pay no attention to the name “Mutant”. Both might lead you to believe you’ve stumbled on some type of alien-related sci-fi/horror movie.  Instead, this Mutant is a low-budget zombie film set in small town America.

Considering I’m not even sure I had ever heard of Mutant before last night, I’m pleasantly surprised.  Overall, it’s a decent little zombie movie. It’s not overly imaginative and follows most of the zombie tropes we’ve all come to expect (with the exception of the leaky palms), but Mutant actually has nice atmosphere that can be rare in this type of low-budget 80s horror movie.   There were several moments that I’d describe as creepy. Mutant also includes plenty of action as our final girl (and guy) end up battling a horde of zombies. I admit that II was a little worried at the start when I noticed the names Bo Hopkins and Wings Hauser. It might not be fair, but when I see those names, I automatically start to negatively prejudge a movie.  Not to worry - Hopkins and Hauser end up being one of Mutant’s real strengths. They’re both (surprisingly) good. I know that Hopkins, in particular, was quite an actor. However, in a low-budget film like this, he was as capable as anyone of phoning it in.

Mutant is one of those cases where the good (acting, atmosphere, snappy direction, and a nice final fight scene) and bad (lack of imagination, gaping plot holes, and cheap zombie make-up) pretty well cancel each other out and I end up with a wishy-washy 5/10.

5/10

The Psychotronic Man (1979)

This one is a real stinker, 2 October 2018

The quick pitch:  An otherwise unremarkable barber goes for a long (very long) drive, has some sort of nightmare, and mysteriously develops psychotronic powers that give him the ability to kill people with his mind.  The police aren’t too happy when the bodies start piling-up, leading to one of the longest, dullest chases in screen history.

It’s been awhile since I’ve watched a movie quite as bad as The Psychotronic Man.  I don’t hand out the dreaded “1” rating like candy. You have to earn it. But this one is a real stinker.  As I’ve already alluded to, it’s as dull as watching paint dry. Oh my God, I would have given just about anything for something to happen.  I must have fallen asleep, woken up, and rewinded this abysmal film at least a half-dozen times. But what do you expect from a movie whose runtime (and I can’t be bothered looking up the exact runtime) is filled with “exciting” things like watching a car drive slowly down a road, watching a doctor read papers and make notes, watching really bad dancing, or watching that damnable final chase that goes on forever.  These events take up at least ¾ of the movie - I’m not exaggerating. Anyone who says they like this excruciating mess as more patience than I.

A deserved 1/10 from me.

1/10