Satan’s Triangle (1975) (TV)

Fantastic ending,  31 October 2019

I’m finding Satan’s Triangle a difficult one to summarize without giving too much away.  The story involves a botched rescue attempt on a yacht in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle.  The sole survivor, Eva (Kim Novak), spends the night relaying the mystery and horror of what happened to her fellow passengers to Coast Guardsman Lt Haig (Doug McClure).  Haig believes he has a rational explanation for everything, but is he right or are there evil forces at work?

Man, do I ever love these 70s made-for-TV movies!  Satan’s Triangle might not be the best of the bunch, but it’s a good one.  It’s one of those movies, though, that you have to stick with. The middle part can get a bit dry.  I was half-tempted to turn it off, but decided to stick it out. And what a good choice that was! The payoff at the end is fantastic.  The twist in the final few minutes completely caught me off guard and made the whole thing a memorable and rewarding experience. It’s a haunting, surprising, and amazing finale that sticks with you long after you’ve finished watching.

Even though I’ve described much of Satan’s Triangle as “dry”, Kim Novak really does a good job in these scenes with what she has to work with.  Her somber recollections are chilling. When she says, “there’s no way off this damn boat”, you believe her. It’s just so delightfully creepy. I also very much enjoyed Alehandro Rey as the priest in Eva’s story.  Rey’s acting range throughout the film is impressive.

6/10

The Spiral Staircase (1975)

Even the actors looked bored,  29 October 2019

I really can’t be bothered to write my own plot summary for The Spiral Staircase.  It’s just not worth it. Instead, here’s the IMDb plot summary: “Helen has been incapable of speech since seeing her husband die - will she become the target of a deranged serial killer targeting disabled people?”

The Spiral Staircase really shouldn’t be this bad.  It features a fairly strong cast (including Christopher Plummer and Jacqueline Bisset), a director capable of making a solid film (see Peter Collinson’s The Italian Job), a nice set, some promising plot ideas, and what I’m going to guess was a decent sized budget.  But, unfortunately, nothing works.  

The main problem I had was with the plot - it’s a disaster.  First, there are absolutely no surprises if you’re paying the least bit of attention.  The killer all but announces himself early on. As I watched, I thought there must be a twist near the end - it couldn’t be that obvious.  But, no, I was wrong - it really is that obvious. Second, the plot is terribly dull. Director Collinson drags us from one deathly dull scene to the next.  And he’s filled the film with pointless plot threads that go nowhere other than adding minutes to the run-time. There’s no life or excitement anywhere. You can see the boredom etched on the actors’ faces.  There are scenes where Bisset looks about as bored as I was. Third, there are numerous inconsistencies in the plot. Take Gayle Hunnicutt’s Blanche with her over-the-top Southern accent. Instead of a mystery/thriller, Blanche seems to be in her own Southern Gothic romance.  Or take the death of the caretaker. He’s killed in a driving, gully-washing rainstorm, yet our killer is perfectly dry the very next time we see him. It’s sloppy film making.  

I’ll stop.  I think I’ve made my point - This version of The Spiral Staircase isn’t worthy of the title.

 3/10

Lovejoy “The Real Thing” #1.7 (1986) (TV)

“Lovejoy, you scumbag! You owe me a spiral staircase!”  29 October 2019

In this episode, Lovejoy is involved in two different plot threads involving two different fraudsters.  In the first, larger story, Lovejoy has been hired by a man named Palmer (Ray Lonnen) to help open a new antique mall.  Lovejoy smells a rat and sets out to prove Palmer isn’t who or what he claims to be. In the second, a local shopkeeper is caught up in a scam involving a forged painting.  Lovejoy decides to turn the tables and scam the scammer.   

Lovejoy is a unique character.  On the one hand, we’re on his side as he takes on forgers and scammers.  On the other hand, we root for him when he’s the one doing the forging and scamming.  Watching The Real Thing, we can’t wait for Lovejoy to expose the smug Palmer for what he really is.  But just a few minutes earlier, we loved watching Lovejoy get one over on Gimbert, when, by lying through his teeth, he basically steals a spiral staircase.  I’ve never thought about it before, but I suppose that makes Lovejoy something of a Robin Hood.

Anyway, The Real Thing is another nice episode.  It’s all just so leisurely paced, with interesting bits of mid-80s England on display.  Of the two plot threads, I enjoyed the smaller one the most. The way Lovejoy gets back at the fraudsters, using their own scam and greed against them, is a treat to watch unfold.  Another big plus for the episode is Ray Lonnen. He’s fantastic as Palmer. He’s just so perfectly arrogant and slimy that it’s a pleasure to watch him get his in the end.  

7/10

Jack Frost (1997)

“Bah humbug.”  26 October 2019

Riding in the back of a prison transport, the van carrying prisoner Jack Frost is involved in an accident on a snowy road.  During the accident, Jack is thrown from the vehicle, doused with experimental genetic material, and disintegrates into the snow.  But as the residents of Snowmonton come to learn, Jack’s not dead. His DNA has somehow bonded with the genetic material and the snow.  Jack’s back and looking for revenge as a killer snowman.     

I’m determined to keep this short, because I think I could write a book on the many problems I have with Jack Frost.  I have a friend whose opinion on movies I generally trust. He loves Jack Frost. Well, different strokes and all that, but I found Jack Frost to be one of the most infuriatingly bad movies I’ve ever seen.  It’s not funny (at no time did I as much as smile), it’s not creepy, and it’s not interesting in any way at all. Instead, it’s full of lame one-liners spit out by the most ridiculous looking snowman imaginable.  I guess that one of my biggest issues is that it tries too hard to be a “so bad it’s good” movie. It’s “cheesiness” doesn’t feel organic. Instead, it feels forced. The “best” bad movies are those that are bad without trying.  There’s charm to the ineptitude. Instead, Jack Frost is just an annoying dumpster fire of a movie.

2/10

Tragedy Girls (2017)

“To make an omelette, you have to kill some ex-boyfriends.”  26 October 2019

Best friends, Sadie Cunningham (Brianna Hildebrand) and McKayla Hooper (Alexandra Shipp) dream of becoming big social media stars.  Their plan is to take advantage of local tragedies. But to grow their audience and create more sensational content, they decide they need a serial killer in their sleepy little town.   

I wrote something similar just the other day, but it applies here as well - Tragedy Girls isn’t near as smart as it wants to be.  This isn’t Scream. I’ve seen too many movies made by filmmakers who seem to think that being “meta” is all it takes to create a clever movie.  While there are some good bits here and there (as my rating indicates), Tragedy Girls is ultimately fairly boring and predictable. I wasn’t shocked by what the girls were doing because I’ve seen it all before.  Finally, I’m sure that Brianna Hildebrand and Alexandra Shipp are fine actresses, but neither worked for me in this movie. They never drew me in. Instead, I found them and their characters generally annoying. Whether they were using some poor sap as bait in hopes of kidnapping a serial killer or butchering a classmate on their own, I couldn’t get into it because I found Sadie and McKayla so unappealing.  

4/10

The Limehouse Golem (2016)

“The public want blood. The Golem provides it.”  25 October 2019

The Limehouse Golem is a period mystery/thriller set in Victorian England just before the time of Jack the Ripper.  The Golem has committed a series of brutal murders (not unlike the Ripper), leaving tantalizing clues and mocking riddles for the police.  Scotland Yard Inspector John Kildare (Bill Nighy) is tasked with the seemingly impossible job of tracking down the Golem. Kildare develops a list of four possible suspects - one of whom has recently been killed and his widow, Lizzie Cree (Olivia Cooke),  is on trial for his murder. Kildare is convinced that by helping LIzzie, it may help unmask the Golem.

It’s difficult to write about a film like The Limehouse Golem without mentioning spoilers.  There’s a great twist at the end that I’ll do my best not to give away. I don’t think that mentioning the fact that there is a twist is a spoiler because it seems that all modern movies feature a twist near the finale.  While I’m usually pretty good at spotting movie twists, this one completely caught me off guard. I realize now that the clues were there, but like Kildare, I didn’t see them. 

As much as I enjoyed The Limehouse Golem, at first, I was put off by all the music hall nonsense.  I just about stop watching. After finishing the movie, I realize now how important these scenes are. They help establish mood and character vital to the plot.  

Visually, The Limehouse Golem is amazing.  Victorian London never looked so gloomy and dirty.  Sets, set design, costuming, lighting, and cinematography are all top notch.  Whether it’s the filthy streets, the stuffy library, and the raunchy music hall, each looks stunning it its own right and each is filmed beautifully.  The special effects also add a lot to the film. I’ve read that some people consider the blood and violence over-the-top and even gratuitous, but I couldn’t disagree more.  Murder is not a pretty thing - especially murders as gruesome as those committed by the Golem. The sudden and often unexpected violence adds immensely to the film’s overall aesthetic.  

I can’t say enough positives about the acting in this movie.  The three main actors, Nighy, Cooke, and Douglas Booth give fantastic performances.  I think I was as impressed with Booth as anyone. The extremes in his character are played to perfection.  Whether it’s performing in drag or defending himself from murder accusations, the acting is spot-on. The supporting cast is equally strong.

Finally, there’s a plot device used in The Limehouse Golem that I found particularly enjoyable and effective.  As Kildare considers each of his four suspects, he reads a portion of the killer's “diary” detailing a unique murder. As he reads, we see inside Kildare’s mind as he pictures each suspect commit the act.   It’s a unique and interesting means of telling the story.  

8/10

It Takes a Thief “The Packager” #2.6 (1968) (TV)

“Since when do thieves know how to write shorthand?”  24 October 2019

Mundy is blackmailed by a wealthy man into stealing nuclear fuel capsules from a secure facility in Florida.  Mundy faces a variety of roadblocks, including: getting into the walk-in safe where the capsules are stored, taking the capsules through the front gate without setting off the geiger counter alarm, and dealing with the man who hired him who’d just as soon see him dead.  

I’ll start this by saying that I really enjoyed The Packager.  Despite the episode’s many flaws (that I’ll get to), it’s still very entertaining.  Mundy’s cover, as a pomegranate-carrying member of the Junior Chamber, is about as funny as any he’s used so far. I appreciated the heist elements of Mundy’s mission - but who doesn’t love a heist.  Too often, Mundy is just dropped on an island or behind enemy lines with a mission laid out and a ready-made cover. Here, because he’s on his own, Mundy has to “case the joint” and think on his feet.  Finally, what’s not to like about Lee Meredith? She might not have been the best actress to appear on It Takes a Thief, but she has to be one of the most fun. Her dumb blonde rountine is a hoot. The fact she’s incredibly easy on the eyes is a plus.  

However, as much as I enjoyed The Packager, the plot’s not nearly as clever as it wants to be.  Too much is left to coincidence and luck. There are details about the nuclear facility’s operations that Mundy would have had no way of learning from his limited guided tour.  And when things go wrong, Plan B seems to be konk people on the head. This isn’t the most detailed, thorough, thought-out plan.   

7/10