The Haunted Mansion (2003)

“How wonderful. You’re going to kill a ghost.” 25 June 2021

Realtor Jim Evers (Eddie Murphy) and family visit a large, creepy mansion that Evers may have the opportunity to sell.  But the mansion’s owner has a secret reason for summoning the Evers family.  The owner is actually a ghost.  He’s haunted the old house looking for his long lost love.  It seems that Evers’ wife is the spitting image for the dead woman.  Can Evers put a stop to the unholy union and save his family?

Over the years, the family and I have been to Disneyworld about a dozen times.  There is no attraction at Disney that I look forward to as much as The Haunted Mansion.  I love it!  Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for this film.  While there are a lot of things that I dislike about The Haunted Mansion (the movie), my biggest complaint is just how dull it all is.  Re-watching last night, it put me to sleep.  I had to slog my way through the rest today.  The story is predictable, the comedy doesn’t work, and I wasn’t invested in the characters.  As a result, I find it to be one incredibly boring experience.  None of the charm and joy I feel on the ride are in the film.  My reaction to the movie is the exact opposite.  

Eddie Murphy may be known for his comedic abilities, but I don’t remember his performance bringing so much as a smile to my face.  Whether it’s his fault or the writers (more likely), nothing he says or does works on me.  Also, I’m kind of surprised that Disney cast Murphy in the lead here.  This was right in the middle of his run in the wildly successful, non-Disney Shrek series.  

There are some homages the film pays to the ride that I appreciate.  From the singing cemetery busts to the wedding dress in the attic to the hitchhiking ghosts to Madame Leota (Meg Tilley is easily my favorite thing about the movie), fans of the ride will enjoy these touches.  

3/10

Death Wish 3 (1985)

“Blow the scum away!” 23 June 2021

After his friend is murdered by a street gang, “Mr Vigilante”, Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson), moves into his friend’s vacant apartment and finds himself embroiled in a war.  Kersey is ruthless in his pursuit of justice.  With the police turning a blind-eye, Kersey is a one man wrecking crew, cleaning the hoodlums off the streets.

If you were to use one movie as an example of the films churned out by Cannon and Golan-Globus in the ‘80s, you’d be hard pressed to find a better example than Death Wish 3.  It’s cheap, exploitative, violent, and a whole lot of fun.  Actually, Death Wish 3 isn’t so much a movie as it is a series of over-the-top set-pieces strung together by the most flimsy of plot threads.  If you think too much about the logic of what you’re watching, it’ll make your head hurt.  Everything from ordering a rocket launcher through the mail to Bronson’s scenes with love interest Kathryn Davis to the completely ineffective police to the Home Alone tactics Kersey uses to battle the gang - none of it makes any real world sense.  But the street gang that Kersey finds himself up against is perhaps the worst offender when it comes to a lack of logic.  They seem to exist only to commit one criminal act after the next with no real payoff.  What’s their end-goal?  And they look absolutely silly, like some sort of rejects from The Warriors. 

Despite all this (or maybe because of all this), Death Wish 3 is a rocking good time.  Watching a 63-year-old Bronson whip out one crazy weapon after another is a real hoot.  And what’s not to enjoy about Bronson setting one trap after the next for the baddies to fall for - like his slow walk to buy ice cream.  I’ve seen this movie a couple of times now and it never fails to entertain.  It easily gets a 7/10 from me.  

7/10

Shoot ‘Em Up (2007)

“Guns don’t kill people! But they sure help.” 22 June 2021

A man named Smith (Clive Owen) reluctantly makes the decision to help a pregnant woman who’s being chased by a gang of heavily armed gunmen.  Unfortunately, the woman goes into labor.  Smith delivers the baby while simultaneously fending off a dozen or so baddies.  And that’s just the first five minutes.

As far as entertainment goes, I haven’t seen many movies recently that I enjoyed as much as Shoot ‘Em Up.  It’s fast-paced, adrenaline-filled, stylized hyper-violence and a total blast.  While the movie may be light on plot, with this much action, who cares?  Sure, some of the violence and situations may be “cartoony” where physics and the other laws of nature don’t necessarily apply, but if you can just go with it, Shoot ‘Em Up is a kick-in-the-rear good-time.

Beyond the violence and action, two areas where I felt the film excelled were the technical aspects and the acting.  First, technically, Shoot ‘Em Up is a delight.  Lighting, set design, and special effects are amazing.  But the star is the gymnastic-style camera work and the sharp, crisp, frenzied editing.  It’s a joy to behold.  

Second, as for the acting, I loved all three leads.  Clive Owen is perfectly stoic as the film’s hero.  His persona is a wonderful contrast to the craziness going on around him.  Paul Giamatti is a real treat as the main baddie.  He’s absolutely perfect.  And, finally, Monica Bullucci is rock solid.  Her chemistry with Owen works.  

I'm amazed that Shoot ‘Em Up only made $27 million on a $39 million budget.  It’s better than that and certainly more entertaining than the 6.6 IMDb rating suggests.

8/10

Forbidden World (1982)

Too squishy for me, 22 June 2021

A space marshal (at least I think that’s what he is) receives a distress call to clean up a mess on an isolated science station.  It seems that a biologically engineered organism is wreaking havoc on the station and threatening all on board.  Much carnage ensues.

As should be obvious from my rating, Forbidden World is not my cup of tea.  From the confusing and dull plot to the lifeless acting to the ridiculous character behavior, I didn’t find much here to hold my interest or enjoy.  Despite the Corman-sized budget, the creature effects have to be a highlight.  However, I’m not a fan of watching bodies dissolve into a gooey mess.  It’s all too squishy (in both sight and sound) for me  And I’m not a prude, but what’s up with the women in this film?  These are supposed to be female scientists, but you’d never know it from their costuming (or lack thereof).  What kind of outfit would be suitable if you’re heading toward a potentially dangerous showdown with a sentient being who’s slowly consuming all of your friends. What about a short bathrobe!  Makes sense to me!

In the end, Forbidden World is a cheap Alien inspired rip-off that doesn’t work for me.  

3/10

Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

Mind-numbingly dull and beyond pointless, 18 June 2021

What a wretched movie!  The most amazing thing to me when it comes to Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn is that this may have been my second viewing (and what a waste of about 3 hours of my life if I really have seen this twice) .  I very vaguely remember watching the movie in the theater back in 1983.  I would have been about 19 and a huge fan of the 3-D fad hitting theaters, so it just makes sense.  But if I did see Metalstorm, it made no impression on me.  And why would it?  Metalstorm is such a lifeless experience, it’s immediately forgettable.  

IMDb’s plot summary states:  “On a desert planet, warlord Jared-Syn is trying to convince a tribe of mutants that he’s their messiah and gain unlimited power hidden in a crystal.  Ranger Dogen and explorer Dhyana, whose father was murdered by Syn, must stop him.”  Instead, my plot description would go something like this, “A Road Warrior-wannabe endlessly walks or slowly drives an uninteresting landscape for no real reason, occasionally running equally uninteresting mutants. These encounters are inevitably followed by poorly executed fight sequences or even more poorly executed (and excruciatingly repetitive) driving sequences.”  Honestly, that’s really all there is to the movie.  It’s all so pointless.

As I’ve alluded to, Metalstorm wants to be a Road Warrior, but with a healthy dose of Star Wars thrown into the mix.  However, it fails at both.  Metalstorm has neither  the charm or wonderment of Star Wars, nor the gritty balls-to-the-wall action of Road Warrior.  I watch films for entertainment and there’s little to be had here.  It’s a dull, pointless experience with nothing to recommend.  The only things that save Metalstorm from a 1/10 are a couple of unintentional laughs and Tim Thomerson.  The rest is trash.

2/10

Agent Carter “Bridge and Tunnel” #1.2 (2015)

“You're very fortunate that I ignored your instructions.”  19 March 2021

Agent Carter continues her investigations into the deadly weapons stolen from Howard Stark.  Her latest lead is a milk truck that may be filed with explosives.  Once again, Agent Carter will have to fight the baddies while staying one step ahead of her male co-workers.  

Bridge and Tunnel is a wonderful episode.  Compared with the first episode, it features a lot more action, a lot more fighting, a lot more story, a lot more Jarvis, and . . . well, a lot more of everything.  I’m sure most would agree with me, but the highlight has to be watching Agent Carter in an incredible fight atop a moving milk truck.  It’s good stuff!  

There’s a lot to like in this series, but it’s hard not be impressed with the look.  Everything has an amazing vintage feel to it.  There are bits that you’d swear are true 1940s-era relics.  Sets, costuming, and props all help to add an air of authenticity to the show.  And I especially like the way it’s lit. The sepia-like tone works.

Looking forward to episode 3.

8/10

Agent Carter “Now is Not the End” #1.1 (2015)

“The next time you approach a woman in a dark alley, you might want to introduce yourself.”  18 March 2021

It’s 1946 New York and Agent Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell) is working at the Strategic Scientific Reserve, a government agency.  She might have “Agent” in her title, but the male agents treat her like a secretary, or worse.  She overhears a conversation about a case involving a stolen formula and decides to do some investigating on her own.  She soon discovers, however, that the formula has already been turned into a weapon.  

I'm so happy to discover that Agent Carter isn’t one of the shows where each episode is one and done.  Instead, I’m delighted at the prospect of a season long story arc.  And what a great beginning!  Dead bodies, undercover work, explosions, and Howard Stark’s butler, Jarvis - a nice start.  What little plot I have so far is interesting enough.  While a lot of the specifics aren’t yet clear, I consider that a good thing.  Also, as much as I enjoy watching Peggy get one over on the baddies, I equally enjoy watching her get one over on her chauvinistic co-workers - even if they don’t know it yet.  A lot of promise to the series.  

Looking forward to episode 2.

7/10