Cyber Tracker (1994)

Lame, 12 February 2017

In the future, there's a new kind of cyborg police officer capable of catching the guilty and dealing out punishment. Senator Dilly is the main proponent behind the Cyber Trackers, but not everyone is on board. When security agent Eric (I don't know his last name) helps stop a plot to assassinate the Senator, he quickly regrets his actions when he learns what the Senator is actually up to. Eric is framed for a crime and finds himself the target of the Cyborg justice system. He joins forces with the same group of vigilantes he had previously fought to put a stop to the government corruption and overreach.

I don't know if any of that plot summary makes sense because the movie doesn't make sense. The plot is utterly ridiculous. There's no real motivation for anyone and characters just come and go. I didn't care about anything that was happening. The whole thing is obviously a cheap Terminator rip-off without anything that made that movie so good. Weak plot, poor acting, cheap special effects, badly choreographed fight scenes, and a general lack of talent from top to bottom. Apparently, the producers were under the mistaken assumption that you could make a compelling movie based on Don "The Dragon" Wilson's roundhouse kick. As Cyber Tracker proves, you can't.

2/10

The Hideous Sun Demon (1959)

"Liquor and science don't mix well, apparently.", 11 February 2017

Dr. Gilbert McKenna (Robert Clarke) is a research scientist who is accidentally exposed to a new type of radiation. At first, he seems to be doing remarkably well. However, once in direct sunlight, Gil's body begins to change. He goes through a devolution process and turns into some sort of out-of-control, lizard-type creature.

"Hideous" is the right word to describe Gil's transformation. The special effect suit is about as good as I've seen in a 1950s era sci-fi/horror film. I'd rate it right up there with the suit from Creature from the Black Lagoon. It's really nicely done. The acting is hit or miss. Clarke does a good job playing the tortured victim. I also enjoyed Nan Peterson as Trudy Osborne - not because she's a particularly great actress, but she channel's Marilyn Monroe quit well. Some of the performances, however, are laughable. I'm thinking of the dude who played the gangster - I think it was Peter Similuk. Just awful.

The problem with The Hideous Sun Demon and the thing that keeps me from rating it higher is there's really not much plot here. The movie is full of padding. The runtime is only 74 minutes, but I'd bet at least 20 of those minutes felt like filler. For example, I think there are more scenes of people driving around California than there are scenes devoted to the titular Sun Demon.

5/10

Blood Beast from Outer Space (1965)

- Night Caller from Outer Space
A talky, but enjoyable little B&W sci-fi thriller, 6 December 2008

A strange orb is found in the outskirts of London. The orb is soon determined to be a matter transference device sent to Earth from one of Jupiter's moons. It seems this alien civilization is bent on sending one of their own to Earth, but for what purpose? When a string of 20+ young women goes missing, the orbs monstrous purpose becomes much clearer.

Night Caller from Outer Space is a rather talky, but enjoyable little B&W sci-fi thriller. Highlights for me include the mystery elements of the story from the first ¾ of the film's runtime, seeing John Saxon in such a decidedly British production, the unknown creature lurking in the shadows, and some outstanding cinematography (in fact, the film looks far better than it has any right to given it's obviously modest budget). The biggest weakness, unfortunately, comes in the final moments of the movie. The ending of Night Caller from Outer Space is such a let-down and non-event that it really takes away from everything that came before. As the movie ended, I sat in amazement and said to myself, "That's it? You've got to be kidding." It's a very lame payoff. Night Caller from Outer Space deserved better than that. Finally, Night Caller from Outer Space includes some really cool period shots of London at night from the mid-60s. I always get a kick out of that sort of thing.

6/10

Women of the Prehistoric Planet (1966)

Women?, 27 September 2009

I'm sure some people will see my rating and think I've gone off the deep end on this one. Women of the Prehistoric World is another of those movies that gets points from me for entertainment value regardless of how bad it really is. And it's one of those cases where I can't really put my finger on what it is I like about it, I just know I had a good time watching the film. Because like most everyone else, I can see all the faults – bad special effects, a misleading title, ridiculous dialogue, annoying characters, cheap sets, poorly choreographed fight scenes, and (as someone else on IMDb has already rightly pointed out) almost no chemistry among the characters. Still, I found something in Women of the Prehistoric World that worked for me. A few examples:

- I enjoyed the scientific babble about space travel and time. I'm certainly no scientist, but it had an air of truth to it (at least the lines were delivered in an earnest enough manner that I bought it). The whole "three months in space equates to 18 years on the planet" bit is an interesting idea.

- I got a big kick out of the ending. I'm not going to give it away, but as cheap as it was, it worked on me. Caught me completely off guard.

- Despite the lack of a feeling of comrade between most of the characters, I still enjoyed many of the cast members. I don't know how many Wendell Corey fans there are out there, but I always like seeing him – slurred delivery and all. John Agar might not do much, but he's still a welcome face. Irene Tsu – Wow! Finally, Robert Ito probably gives the best performance of the bunch. I never realized how athletic looking he was. A far cry from his days on Quincy.

- As much as I hate the expression, maybe it's a case of a movie being "so bad, it's good". I do realize that a lot of the entertainment I found in the film was most likely unintentional. For example, I doubt that the set used for the spaceship crash was supposed to make me laugh, but it did. Okay, maybe I didn't laugh out loud, but it did bring a big fat smile to my face. And that's worth something, huh?

Most people who have seen or will see Women of the Prehistoric World won't enjoy it as much as I did, but that's okay. I feel comfortable with my 6/10 rating.

6/10

Journey to the Seventh Planet (1962)

Would-be auteur Sidney Pink strikes again, 26 September 2009

Searching for life on another planet, a group of astronauts stumble on a virtual utopia when they arrive on Uranus. "Virtual" being the key word, however, as nothing is real. Uranus is inhabited by a strange creature capable of taking the thoughts of the astronauts and bringing their dreams and desires to life. But this being has plans beyond Uranus that include the conquest of Earth.

Journey to the Seventh Planet is a real mixed bag. Filmed in Denmark by would-be auteur Sidney Pink, Journey to the Seventh Planet has some interesting ideas behind its plot, but it suffers from poor execution. On the positive side, the idea of a creature that uses its victims' thoughts against them as a weapon might not be new, but here it's handled in an interesting manner. I liked the way the creature brings up childhood memories and crushes in an attempt to lull the head astronaut into a false sense of security. Or the way the creature keeps throwing woman after woman at the womanizer played by John Agar. Unfortunately though, the negatives far outweigh these positives. First there's Pink's weak direction. The film suffers from poor pacing and too many scenes with nothing much going on. I blame Pink's direction for making the movie un-fun (if that's a word). Second, there are the terrible special effects. Sometimes when watching a low budget movie like Journey to the Seventh Planet, I'll find the low budget effects charming. Not here. These are just low budget effects. Next, other than Agar, I'm not familiar with any of these Danish actors. But I feel somewhat confident that their anonymity is due to their acting ability and not their nationality. Also, I'm usually a John Agar fan and supporter, but Journey to the Seventh Planet might be one of his weakest performances I've seen. It's way below average for him. Finally, there's the dubbing. I've seen enough foreign genre films that dubbing usually doesn't bother me. But here, it's just weird. Everything seems exaggeratedly slow because of the bizarre sounding dubbing. Really distracting.

So, in summary – a few good ideas undone by poor production values, weak direction, below par acting, and lousy dubbing. A 4/10 is about the best I can give Journey to the Seventh Planet.

4/10

The Monolith Monsters (1957)

"From infinity they come. Meteors!", 23 September 2009

The residents of the small California desert town are under attack. The fragments of a meteor that struck nearby the community of San Angelo possess the strange capability of growing to skyscraper proportions when activated by water. The alien monoliths crumble under their own weight, shattering into even more pieces capable of growing and destroying everything in their path. But the danger goes beyond the destruction caused by the falling rock formations. Any living being that comes into contact with the monoliths is turned into stone. It's up to geologist Dave Miller (Grant Williams) and a band of plucky locals to find a way to stop the threat to San Angelo and, ultimately, the world.

I just love these 1950s era Universal sci-fi/horror movies. They're so much fun to watch. From the steady, enjoyable cast (headlined by Grant Williams and Lola Albright) to the crisp, clean black and white cinematography to the familiar but effective stock monster music, The Monolith Monsters is the kind of movie that never fails to provide a great deal of entertainment value given its relative modest budget. I get a kick out of the number of Universal films from this era that take place in some small, remote South Western desert town like San Angelo (you can thank Jack Arnold for the desert setting). It's a perfect location or this kind of movie. The Monolith Monsters also features some nice special effects. I'm sure it was difficult task to make rocks look menacing. The scene where one towering rock formation after another rises from the desert floor and crushes a small farm is very effective. Another plus for The Monolith Monsters is the intelligent script (again, you can thank Jack Arnold for this). Sure, the movie is filled with a lot scientific mumbo-jumbo, but in this case, it actually has an air of believability to it. Finally, The Monolith Monsters benefits greatly from the steady hand of director John Sherwood. He may have only directed three movies, but he capably pulls all of the elements I've mentioned together with nice pacing and interesting camera shots to create a rock solid (pun intended) movie experience. Overall, it's a job well done.

7/10

Gamera vs. Barugon (1966)

- Daikaijû kettô: Gamera tai Barugon
Better than the usual Gamera offering, 8 September 2009

A would be jewel thief thinks he's made it big when he gets his hands on the biggest opal he's ever seen. Unfortunately for the thief (and everyone else in Japan), it's not really an opal. Instead, it's a monster's egg – Barugon to be exact. Barugon hatches and begins a reign of terror across Japan. Different theories on how to stop the creature are tested, but to no avail. Just when things seem their bleakest, Gamera shows up and takes care of the situation.

A number of comments on IMDb proclaim that Gamera vs. Barugon is the best of the early Gamera films. While I agree, it's a bit like saying I prefer a tooth ache to a root canal– neither is something I want to experience on a regular basis. In all seriousness, it's not a bad movie, it's just not a very good one. Even with their best effort, Daiei could never match Toho. Daiei's monsters look cheap and clumsy compared with Toho's. And what's up with Barugon shooting a rainbow ray out of his butt? Completely ridiculous. And the final showdown between Gamera and Barugon is way too short. Toho would have been sure this fight scene took up the major portion of the movie.

Still, like I said, Gamera vs. Barugon is better than the usual Gamera offering. Why? Well, for one thing, Gamera is really more like a bit player in the movie. I never cared for Gamera's design so the less of Gamera the better. Next, Gamera vs. Barugon is actually a reasonably intelligent movie with a somewhat interesting subplot involving the jewel thief. I realize intelligence in a Gamera movie is relative, but at least this one doesn't include the usual gaggle of small Japanese kids exclaiming, "Gamera is the friend of all children!" I never quite understood how a monster that destroyed half of Japan goes on to be every child's best friend. Finally, I actually enjoyed some of the acting in Gamera vs. Barugon. Both leads, Kojior Hongo and especially the striking Kyoko Enami give nice performances.

For what it's worth, a 5/10 is the best I can do.

5/10

Race to Witch Mountain (2009)

"Don't go in the pimped out fridge Jack...", 23 August 2009

We hadn't had a family movie night at our house in several months. So when the idea came up, I naturally let my 6 year-old pick the movie (I, on the other hand, picked the pizza.) His pick – Race to Witch Mountain. I'll be honest, neither my wife nor I were terribly excited about his selection. As we popped it into the player, we both settled in fearing for the worst. Instead, the whole family had a great time with the film. It's not a masterpiece, but I don't think that's what the filmmakers were going for. Instead, Race to Witch Mountain fun-filled ride full of special effects and loud explosions thrown at the viewer at break-neck speeds. There are really very few opportunities to catch your breath, which is probably a good thing. If you spent too long analyzing just what's going on on-screen, it probably wouldn't have been as enjoyable. The plot involves Jack Bruno, a cab driver trying to make a break from a shady past, who discovers two kids in the back of his cab. As he soon learns, these aren't ordinary kids. These kids are aliens (the outer space kind) and they're on a mission to save not only their planet, but Earth as well. Howver, it seems that everyone is after Jack and the kids. Secret government agents, Jack's former crime boss, and an unstoppable alien assassin are all out to make sure the kids don't find their ship. Sure, it lacks some of what made the 1975 original (which I don't think I've seen since 1975) so memorable, but it makes up for it with some terrific CGI effects, humor, and outrageous action sequences. The acting was okay. No one looked terrible. Dwayne Johnson, whose wrestling persona The Rock seems to be a distant memory these days, isn't too bad. He's definitely got a screen presence to him. The rest of the cast is fine. My son especially enjoyed Carla Gugino who he immediately recognized from the Spy Kids series. There are a few really cool cameos from the likes of Cheech Marin. But the absolute coolest for an old guy like me was seeing Kim Richards and Ike Eisenmann, the kids from the original Escape to Witch Mountain, with bit parts in this re-imaging. So overall, we enjoyed Race to Witch Mountain. Go into it with an open mind (and a good pizza) and you're family just might find a wonderful night's entertainment like we did.

7/10

The Disappearance of Flight 412 (1974) (TV)

"This is a UFO - an Unidentified Flying Object.", 10 August 2009

A radar plane (the titular Flight 412) on a routine training mission out of Whitney AFB suddenly spots three unidentified objects on its radar. The objects are confirmed by ground radar. Marine fighters are scrambled. But just as the jet fighters get close , the planes suddenly disappear from the radar – followed shortly by the three unidentified objects. Afterwards, Flight 412 is rerouted to a secret facility where its four man crew are subjected to an interrogation about what they've seen. Or as the men are continually told, what they "think" thy might have seen. Colonel Pete Moore (Glenn Ford) sets out to find his men and bring them back home.

As hard as The Disappearance of Flight 412 strives to have the look and feel of a documentary, it never pulls it off. Instead, the movie comes across as exactly what it is – a movie of the week masquerading as a serious look at the U.S. government's cover-up of UFOs. For example, the movie makes it seem like the men on Flight 412 crack in one night with a minimum of hardship or discomfort. Good thing these guys weren't in combat. They'd have given away every secret the U.S. had in a week's time. It's not a very realistic portrayal of these well trained men.

In addition to the problems with the plot, The Disappearance of Flight 412 is never able to shake its made-for-TV origins. The sets look cheap, there is absolutely no originality as far as the cinematography goes, no special effects of any kind (the UFOs appear only as bleeps on a radar screen), and, other than Glenn Ford, most of the rest of the cast will be familiar to anyone who watched TV in the 70s. Not that the actors do a bad job – quite the opposite in fact. The acting is one of the movie's highlights. David Soul, in particular, gives a really nice performance. Other familiar faces in the cast include Guy Stockwell and Bradford Dillman.

In the end, I'll call The Disappearance of Flight 412 a slightly below average experience. As such, a 4/10 seems about right.

4/10

Tarantula (1955)

"No blood! No sign of a struggle! The bones just stripped clean like peeling a banana!", 5 August 2009

A couple of well-intentioned scientists set out to solve the Earth's food shortage problems by developing a new, revolutionary growth formula. They inject the usual rats and guinea pigs to test their formula with remarkable success. But for some reason known only to the screenwriters, the scientists also test their formula on a tarantula. A fire in the lab destroys all of the animals with the exception of the tarantula that escapes unnoticed into the desert. Unnoticed, that is, until ranchers start reporting the unusual deaths of a number of their herds. But the now giant tarantula has a taste for more than just cattle. Can the arachnid be stopped before the whole town of Desert Rock is wiped out?

I'm going to echo what most others have written about Tarantula – of the many giant bug movies churned out during the 50s, Tarantula is probably only second to Them as far as the best goes. Good acting, good locations, and good cinematography are keys to the film's success. Jack Arnold is another of those keys. He was about as good as anyone working in horror/sci-fi at the time. His snappy, well-paced direction are a real asset to the film. As far as big bug special effects in films from the 50s, Tarantula is easily one of the best. The effects in this film are often compared with Burt I. Gordon's Earth vs. the Spider made a couple years later. As far as I'm concerned, there's really no comparison. Sure, there's at least one or two times where the tarantula seems to be walking on air, but overall, it's a job well done by some talented people. And I so much prefer it to any of that lifeless CGI that would be used today. For what it's worth, a very strong 7/10 seems about right to me.

7/10

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

"Santa, you will never return to Earth, you belong to Mars now.", 14 May 2009

The leaders of Mars are worried about their constantly melancholy children. They've seen enough earth TV to know that Santa Claus brings much joy and happiness to the children of Earth. What if Santa were to come to Mars? Could he make the Martian children happy? So, the leaders of Mars decide to kidnap Santa and bring him to their planet. Will it work?

If you scour the internet, you'll undoubtedly run across a number of Worst Movie Ever lists. But until you've seen the atrocity that is Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, I'm not sure you're qualified to make such a list. There are a lot of bad movies out there, but there's only on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It's bad in every conceivable way – incompetently bad acting on the part of most of the cast (Billy and Betty anyone?), some of the lamest special effects imaginable (What about that crazy polar bear?), more mugging for the camera than any one movie should be allowed (Did you catch Dropo's act?), Martian-green grease paint that comes and goes with each scene, and one of the most utterly ridiculous plots ever put to paper. Did anyone involved in the making of this thing think they were actually making a movie that was good? If so, add brain damaged cast and crew to that list of negatives. Yes, I'm fully aware that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians was intended to be a children's movie, but I'm sorry, I can't imagine a single child alive (then or now) that would sit down for more than five minutes with this abomination of a movie. In a word, it's pathetic. This is the perfect example of a movie that probably does deserve to be on a Worst Movie Ever list.

Okay, I know what you're asking yourself right now – "B2 – if the movie's as bad as you say, why have you rated it a 3/10 instead of a 1/10?" Glad you asked - as much as I hate the phrase "so bad it's good", in this case it applies in spades. I simply cannot turn away if it's on – Mystery Science Theater 3000 version or not (which, by the way, I rate a 4/5 on my MST3K rating scale). The sheer volume of craptitude draws me in like a moth to a flame. And if I'll sit and watch regardless of how much it hurts, that's got to be worth a couple of points, doesn't it?

3/10

Stranded in Space (1973) (TV)

- The Stranger
It's not hard to see why this one didn't make the network lineup, 10 May 2009

A malfunction in space sends astronaut Neil Stryker (Glenn Corbett) off course and headed to something of a parallel world, called Terra, circling the sun exactly opposite Earth. As a being from space would pose a threat to this world's order, Stryker is held until a determination can be made as to exactly what to do with him. Stryker, however, gets suspicious of his surroundings and escapes. With the help of a sympathetic nurse and a old scientist who opposes the government, Stryker will try to board a spaceship and head back to Earth.

Stranded in Space (or The Stranger if you prefer) is another of those 70s made-for-TV movies that was to be turned into a regular, weekly show. In this case, it's easy to see why it didn't make it. First off, there's nothing new about the show's set-up. It was undoubtedly designed to follow the same formula used by The Fugitive or The Incredible Hulk or Planet of the Apes. You know, a stranger constantly on the move going from one town to the next taking whatever odd job he can all the while being pursued by a government agency or newspaper reporter. It's a formula that's been done to death. The second strike against Stranded in Space is its lead, Glenn Corbett. Could this guy come across any less likable? I was rooting for him to get caught. Without sympathy for the main character, this kind of show would never work. Finally, this is supposed to be science fiction. Just because everyone is left-handed and someone has hung three fake looking moons on the horizon I'm supposed to jump to the conclusion that this is some distant planet? So it's a mere coincidence that they all speak English, dress just like people on Earth, and drive Plymouth Furies? Yeah, right.

The lone highlight for me was the inclusion of Cameron Mitchell in the cast. Sure, it's difficult to watch him in something this dreadful, but you know the old saying - any Cameron is better than no Cameron (yeah, I've never heard it either).

As with a lot of these 70s made-for-TV movies, I watched Stranded in Space courtesy of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I wouldn't call it a great episode by any stretch of the imagination, but there are a few good jokes along the way. So in the end, while I rate the movie a 2/10, it gets a 3/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

2/10

The Beast with a Million Eyes (1955)

The Shiny Spinning Coffee Pot in the Desert, 17 April 2009

Not a very hard plot to describe: an alien force lands in the desert and soon begins to use animals (and a few weaker-minded humans) to do its bidding. The terror begins when the animals go berserk and start attacking the humans. In the end, the creature is discovered and defeated by something it cannot understand – love (no, I'm not making that up).

The Beast with a Million Eyes was the third movie in a three picture deal Roger Corman had worked out with the cleverly named American Releasing Corporation (later AIP). Because this was the last movie in the deal, there wasn't much money left for a budget as is painfully obvious. Corman's plan to use a mostly invisible, unseen creature that attacked people through thought waves was genius in that it could be done cheaply with little to no special effects. Unfortunately, it makes for one very dull experience. Instead of a cool creature, the movie relies on acting. And as with the special effects, there's little to no real acting taking place in the movie. Most everyone involved is horrible. The only thing of interest to be found in the cast is a very young Dick Sargent of Bewitched fame in his first credited role. The script doesn't help. Actors are forced to say the silliest, most unnatural lines imaginable. The "Million Eyes" of the title are more metaphorical than anything else. The Beast uses the million of eyes of the animals and humans it dominated to see with. Get it? Clever, huh? In fact, the whole title – The Beast with a Million Eyes – is, to say the least, misleading. But I suppose it drew a bigger crowd than a more accurate title like The Shiny Spinning Coffee Pot in the Desert would have. Finally, there's that whole beyond hokey ending where (once again) love conquers all. Oh please! Can we be just a bit more cliché?

Obviously, The Beast with a Million Eyes is far from the best sci-fi movie or the best Roger Corman related movie out there. But it does get a bonus point or two for effort and trying something different. Who knows, with a real budget, real special effects, a real Beast, a real script, and real actors, things might have turned out differently.

3/10

The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues (1955)

The Phantom from 10 Feet, 13 April 2009

The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues, huh? It's more like The Phantom from 10 Feet. The "Phantom" is as lame a creature as I've seen recently in a 50s sci-fi/horror movie. No movement to speak of, ridiculous looking, and only threatening if you get within 3 feet – we're not talking The Creature from the Black Lagoon here. And The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues commits one of the most unforgivable sins a bad sci-fi/horror movie can – it eliminates all tension and mystery by showing us a good, clear shot of the monster within the first 15 seconds of the movie. What a huge mistake! And when your monster is this bad, you really need to keep it under-wraps as long as you can. This is "Bad Movie Making 101" type stuff.

I'm a fan of 50s sci-fi/horror – even the bad ones. But when I run across one this dull, I've got to be honest and give it the rating it deserves. Actually, "dull" hardly seems strong enough. The paper thin plot is as dull as dishwater. We're promised death rays, but none are forthcoming. We're told of radiation burns, but the bodies are all conveniently face-down. And we're lead to believe that there's a large Oceanography Institute nearby, but all we see is a small office and an even smaller lab. What plot the movie does have takes a backseat to incessant conversations between characters I couldn't have cared less about. Can a movie be completely filled with padding in the form of pointless dialogue? The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues comes close. And what a group of characters! Again, about as dull as you'll run across – a misguided but dull scientist, his clueless and dull daughter, a good but dull scientist/hero, a nosey but dull secretary, a gruff and dull investigator, and an idiotic, homicidal, but ultimately dull lab assistant. I think I'm being generous with my 3/10.

Before I end this, there are a few things in The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues that I feel I must comment on:

1. The young hero/scientist comes walking out of the ocean and just happens to trip over the only person within sight – the film's female lead. What are the chances of that happening?

2. Are we really supposed to believe that the local fishermen, scientists, sightseers, the Oceanography Institute, and everyone else really share the same row boat? Were we not supposed to notice the same boat going out to sea over and over? That little boat sure gets some mileage.

3. How convenient is it that all the dead bodies and the aforementioned row boat always seems to wash up on the same spot of beach? Just a lucky coincidence I guess.

4. Did anyone else find it odd that the movie's young female lead dresses in the living room? For that matter, did anyone find it odd that the bathroom/shower was that close to the front door? And what about that scene where the hero helps the young heroine with her zipper? Can you say cliché?

5. Why the need for a subplot involving foreign spies? Granted, Helene Stanton is about the best thing The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues has going for it, but really, why is she here?

3/10

Island of Terror (1966)

"There was no face. Just a horrible mush with the eyes sittin' in it.", 5 April 2009

Something strange is happening on a small island off the coast of Ireland. A dead body is a rarity in itself, but one with no bones – that's not right. The local doctor realizes he needs help and goes to the mainland to find a couple of experts, Dr. Stanley (Peter Cushing) and Dr. West (Edward Judd). In no time flat, it's discovered that the island is under attack from a strange creature created in a cancer lab. And now that the creature has started multiplying and the bodies have begun to pile up, can anything be done to save the Island of Terror?

Island of Terror isn't anywhere close to being a perfect movie, but it sure is a whole lot of fun. And "fun" is generally all I require to give a movie a good rating. While I readily admit that Island of Terror has its fair share of problems (a dull-as-dishwater lead in Edward Judd, some admittedly weak special effects, Carole Gray being so under-utilized that you almost forget she's in the movie as she ends up being little more than "the woman" required by the script, and more padding than worn on Joan Crawford's shoulders), I still enjoy watching Peter Cushing do his thing. He's a pro and really shows it with a script that occasionally gives him little to work with. Besides, anything with Cushing is worth checking out at least once any way. Old Hammer colleague Terence Fisher is more than capable of keeping things on track. He does a masterful job with the pacing when by all rights the movie should grind to a halt. Another bonus is all the pseudo-scientific babble that I enjoy. Nothing like a lot of doctor mumbo-jumbo to spice things up. Finally, there's some excellent atmosphere in Island of Terror. I remember watching this one when I was much younger and being frightened beyond belief by the idea of the bone-sucking creatures – especially those that jump out of trees. Overall, Island of Terror is a nice example of low-to-no budget British movie making from the mid-1960s.

One moment in Island of Terror that always bothers me is the scene where Cushing's character is attacked. I know the creatures have thus far proved themselves impenetrable to everything that's been thrown at them, but why not give that tentacle one good whack with the axe. Instead, Dr. Stanley's arm is immediately sacrificed. It's always seemed like an odd moment to me.

7/10

World Without End (1956)

"We are a peaceful people. We are sick of weapons and war.", 4 January 2009

I've been struggling to write a plot synopsis of World Without End and finally decided to take a look at what was posted on IMDb. The posted synopsis from D.A. Kellough is much better than anything I've been able to come up with – "Four astronauts returning from mankind's first mission to Mars enter a time warp and crash on a 26th Century Earth devastated by atomic war. Our heroes meet with hideous mutant cavemen, giant spiders, love-struck beauties in short dresses, and jealous old geezers in sparkly skullcaps as they struggle to save humanity and build a new world." That sums it all up rather nicely.

At first glance, World Without End might seem like any number of the mass produced sci-fi clones that came out in the 50s. And in some ways, you'd be right. The poorly done rocket shots, the bizarre notion of having guns and hatchets on board a spacecraft, and the giant spider attacks are straight out of the 1950s Sci-Fi How To Guide. But for whatever reason, World Without End is more enjoyable than many of its brethren. The cast that features Hugh Marlowe and Rod Taylor is more than capable. The interesting script and the snappy direction of Edward Bernds help to create a nicely paced film with few dead spots. Even the more romantic, schmaltzy scenes don't drag the film down like in other sci-fi movies of the period. All of the "creatures" from Earth's future are adequately explained and (mostly) believable. And the film has a sense of fun about it that I enjoyed. I've got no problem recommending World Without End to fans of 50s sci-fi cinema.

I said that things were adequately explained. Well, for the most part that's true. One thing that's not is the difference between the men and women of Earth's future. The men are pasty, old, bloodless (that's what one of the characters from Earth's past call them) beings without a spark for life. The women, in contrast, are young and beautiful creatures with a need to live and to be loved. Why the difference? It's not really a weakness of the film, just something that nagged at me as I watched the movie.

7/10

Future War (1997)

"I have a job too; I'm a tool.", 11 December 2008

I've just about reached my limit. I've watched more than my share of bad movies in the past few months. Sure, as is the case with Future War, I've watched many of these movies courtesy of and with the assistance of Mystery Science Theater 3000 - but I've watched them just the same. Future War may be the last for a while. It's so bad I'm ready to swear off bad movies all together.

The plot is a completely ridiculous mish-mash of incomprehensible ideas that never made a lick of sense to me. Something about a traveler from the future with cyborgs and their dinosaur "trackers" hot on his heels. The only person he's got to turn to for help is a former druggy/prostitute turned nun facing a crisis of faith. Like I said, none of it makes sense.

I've said this so many times that I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but Future War is bad in every way a movie can be bad. The acting is beyond pitiful. Neither of the movies' two leads, Daniel Bernhardt or Travis Brooke Stewart, seem capable of acting their way onto a community theater stage, let alone a sound-stage. Most surprising to me is that Bernhardt went on to have a fairly successful career, because in Future War, he comes across as nothing more than a Jean-Claude Van Damme wannabe without any of Van Damme's talent. (Did I just insinuate that Van Damme has talent?) Beyond the acting, the special effects are of particular note. The dinosaurs are about the most Gawd awful things I've seen in a movie. I could film something about as realistic with the plastic dinosaurs my son has in his room. Wait a minute - I think that might be what they used! Finally (and believe me, I could go on forever), the editing in Future War is atrocious. Some scenes are edited so poorly that it's all but impossible to follow the action.

Overall, Future War is about as bad as a movie can get. I can't really come up with an inspired description, so I'll end this by saying, "It sux!"

1/10

Project Moon Base (1953)

"Anymore guff out of you and I'll turn you over my knee and spank you.", 4 December 2008

The plot of Project Moon Base is fairly simple – Colonel Briteis is selected to pilot a rocket on a lunar orbit in preparation of an upcoming lunar landing. It's simple enough until it is discovered that an enemy agent is on board with intentions of sabotaging the mission. So whether their superiors like it or not, Colonel Briteis and Major Moore aren't going to be able to complete their mission. They're going to have to try to land on the moon.

Many of the comments you'll see on Project Moon Base focus a lot of attention on the movie's treatment or portrayal of women. Is the movie sexist? Those who argue against it mention Colonel Briteis' (Briteis is a female) position on the space voyage or the fact that the President is a woman. Well so what? Project Moon Base is as sexist as they come. I pointed out some of the sexist comments in Rocketship X-M and that movie's got nothing on Project Moon Base. From the intentional mispronunciation of Colonel Briteis name (Bright Eyes – yeah, right) to General Greene's threat to give Briteis a spanking to Briteis' incapability of fixing the radio after several hours of trying when Major Moore is able to do it in mere seconds – it's about as sexist as I've seen. Sure, it was made in a different time, so don't take my comments as a slam. I'm just pointing out the facts as I see them.

Two things I'm glad to have discovered about Project Moon Base. First, the movie was originally meant to be a television serial. That goes a long way to explaining some of the disjointed scenes and fragmented story lines. Second, many of the props and costumes were also used in Cat Women of the Moon. I thought they seemed awfully familiar. Glad to know I'm not going crazy. Overall, Project Moon Base is a fairly dull programmer with little to hold the attention of the viewer. There aren't any real action scenes and any suspense or drama never materializes. Even by 1953 standards, the special effects had to feel weak and not awfully convincing. Finally, much of the plot is handled rather awkwardly. The notion of an enemy agent infiltration the space program might have been interesting, but here it comes off as just too stupid for words.

As is the case with many of the films I watch, there is another hand. So, on the other hand, Project Moon Base is too enjoyable despite the numerous flaws for me to rate it as a stinker. Donna Martell gives Colonel Briteis an infectious nature that's hard not to enjoy. She's a pleasure to watch. Some of the goofy sight gags are almost charming in their naïveté. Take the scenes on the space station where people walk on the ceiling or the chairs on the wall. Stupid, sure – but fun nonetheless. Finally, there's a real innocence to most everything in Project Moon Base that's often sorely missing from today's movies that I can appreciate. Take the ending of the film where Colonel Briteis is forced to marry Major Bill Moore so people won't talk. And, even though the attitudes of the filmmakers may have been chauvinistic, most of it is harmless enough. Maybe I'm living in the past, but I sort of enjoyed Project Moon Base.

5/10

Laserblast (1978)

How desperate was Roddy McDowall?, 30 November 2008

I honestly hate to rate anything a 1/10, but with Laserblast, I don't see any other choice. The movie is bad in every conceivable way. The special effects – bad. The acting – with a couple of exceptions, bad. The pace and direction – bad. The script – bad. Name anything that goes into the production of a movie and I'm sure I would tell you it's bad in Laserblast. And to top it all off, Laserblast is often quite dull. What a winning combination - bad production values in a boring movie!

The plot involves a deadly laser weapon left behind on Earth by a couple of extraterrestrials. A troubled young man named Billy (Kim Milford) finds the weapon and uses it to get even with those he feels have done him wrong. But the weapon has unexpected side effects as Billy is turned into a green-hued snarling monster.

I said there were a couple of exceptions when it came to the bad acting in Laserblast. I'm not sure how the producers were able to do it, but they actually were able to get a couple of recognizable names and faces to appear in their movie. Keenan Wynn and Roddy McDowall must have been desperate to appear in this stinker. McDowall, in particular, phones in his 5 minutes of screen time. Other cast members I recognized included Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith, Dennis Burkley, and Ron Masak. Laserblast also features the first screen appearance of that barometer of bad movies, Eddie Deezen. With a cast like that, I would have expected much better than this.

1/10

Time Chasers (1994)

- Tangents
"Whoa, minutemen!", 8 November 2008

Nick Miller has developed a means of time travel using a computer and his small airplane. Needing the funds to continue his experiments, he agrees to sell his invention to a large corporation named GenCorp. But Nick hadn't planned on how GenCorp would use his time machine. On his next trip to the future, he discovers a world in chaos where social order has broken down. Nick decides he must go into the past if he is to restore the future.

Like most people on this sight, I came by Time Chasers courtesy of Mystery Science Theater 3000. And while the movie is bad, it's not as bad as a lot of the stuff they showed. Oh, it's got the usual bad acting, a dorky lead, poor special effects, some ridiculous locations (Others have mentioned it, but I've got to agree with the slamming of J.K. Robertson's office. The mezzanine of the local public library isn't a very effective or realistic looking location.), giant plot holes, and everything else you find in your typical, run-of-the-mill bad movie, but it's got something I wasn't expecting to find. It's actually got some good ideas buried under the rubbish. The whole notion of time travel, changing the future, and going into the past to make things right is a good, interesting concept. Unfortunately for the makers of this movie, I think their ideas far exceeded both their abilities and certainly their budget. It's too bad, because as I indicated, there are some good ideas to be found in Time Chasers.

The MST3K treatment of Time Chasers is good – actually, it's very good. The first time I saw it, I found myself laughing out loud. So, while I give the movie a 3/10, I'll give it a 4/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

3/10