Johnny English (2003)

"The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, sensitive hearing and a whole bunch of bigger brains.", 16 August 2009

Because of his own ineptness, Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson) is the only agent left in the British Secret Service. The crown jewels are stolen and against everyone's better judgment, English is put on the case. But when he uncovers a plot involving a wealthy Frenchman to overthrow the Queen and have himself named King of England, no one will believe him. English knows he's right and knows it's up to him to save his country.

I'm shocked. I was quite prepared to hate Johnny English. Instead, I found a movie that, although uneven, had moments that made me laugh out loud. Nothing on the level of the Atkinson's masterpiece, The Black Adder, but still worthy of a laugh or two if you're a fan of Atkinson's style of humor. I admit, some of the bits fall flat and some of the situations feel forced or, even worse, telegraphed, but when it's funny, it's really good. I'm not sure what my favorite moment was, but the scene where English mistakenly invades and attempts to take over a hospital had me laughing hard. Or the scene where English bares the Archbishop of Cantebury's back-side. Predictable - yes, but still funny. It was just so stupid. That's another thing – if you want comedy with a bit of sophistication, steer clear. There's a lot of potty humor here. Like the rest of the movie, some works and some doesn't. Other highlights for me include the music (the title song by Robbie Williams is really good), English's love interest played by Natalie Imbruglia (I thought she was amazing given her rather limited acting experience), the stunt work, English's put-upon sidekick played by Ben Miller (he manages to steal many scenes from Atkinson), John Malkovich's ridiculous French accent (a complaint to most people - I thought it was a scream), and the locations, costuming, and lighting. It's not perfect and it's not for everyone, but for me it mostly worked. I'll give it a 6/10.

6/10

Poirot "Five Little Pigs" #9.1 (2003) (TV)

"Human nature has an infinite capacity to surprise.", 18 June 2008

Finally! I've now seen all of the feature length installments of the Poirot movies featuring David Suchet. And wouldn't you know it – the last one I watch just happens to be one of the best of the entire series.

Five Little Pigs, which happens to benefit from staying fairly true to Agatha Christie's original work (at least as best as I can remember), is a poignant, gut-wrenching, and beautifully filmed movie. As Christie did in her novel, the mystery is told though a series of five interviews that flashback to that fateful day when a murder was committed. Director Paul Unwin handles this portion quite nicely. I was worried about all the hand-held shaky-cam, but it works well for the iffy memories of events of fourteen years previous. Even though I knew the outcome, I thought the mystery elements were well done. I think someone without knowledge of the plot would really enjoy this part of Five Little Pigs. The acting, other than the abysmal performance of Aimee Mullins as the adult Lucy, is more than acceptable. By now (or by 2003 at least), Suchet has grown in the role of Poirot to the point that I cannot imagine anyone else even attempting to do the character. Two other real highlights for me were the music (it's quite beautiful) and the photography (there are some gorgeous landscape shots throughout the movie). All together, an 8/10 seems about right by me. Had the adult Lucy not been so distractingly poorly played, I could have easily rated Five Little Pigs higher.

8/10

One Missed Call (2003)

- Chakushin ari
A restrained Miike, 18 August 2006

In Takashi Miike's One Missed Call, there's really very little new ground covered. If I've seen one Asian film that revolves around a pale-skinned, long black-haired female ghost, I feel as if I've seen a dozen. Whether One Missed Call is derivative of other Asian horror films or whether it's the other way around, I don't know (or really care). The similarities, though, are undeniable. But it hardly matters when it comes to enjoying the movie. Miike has put together an entertaining and at times frightening tale of a young girl seeking retribution for her death. It's far less bloody and over-the-top than most of Miike's other films, but for the most part, it works. Miike is much more restrained and relies on very subtle moments to create unease in the viewer. One of the best examples is the "ghost in the cupboard" scene. It's a simple moment without a lot of fanfare, but it's very effective in generating the desired response. Other highlights of the film include the death scene at the television studio and the search through the abandoned hospital. These moments help Miike's film standout from the crowded field of similarly themed J-horror films.

Whether the plots of these J-horror ghost stories appeal to you or not, as usual, it's difficult to deny the level of artistry and technical brilliance that goes into these films. One Missed Call is no exception. Thanks to some interesting cinematography and lighting, the film has a "look" that helps create an atmosphere of dread. The special effects, both visual and sound, are well done. The acting is good. Both of the leads, Kou Shibasaki and Shin'ichi Tsutsumi, are more than adequate. And Miike's direction expertly creates the desired tension. Overall, it's the kind of well-made Asian horror film that I've come to expect.

But One Missed Call isn't without its faults. Beyond the "been there, done that" aspects of the plot, the film's pacing could have been better. While the first and third acts are enjoyable, the middle portion of the One Missed Call tends to drag a bit. Some of the investigation scenes into what's behind the mystery put a halt to what is an otherwise well paced film. A little judicious editing might have helped the film flow better. One Missed Call also includes a number of plot points that are never adequately resolved. For example, why was the mother's dead body in the abandoned hospital? And could the ending have been more confusing? I admit that I'm completely at a loss to explain the films finale. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it, but don't ask me what it all meant. Maybe a second viewing is necessary to resolve some of these issues.

7/10

Wishing Stairs (2003)

- Yeogo goedam 3: Yeowoo gyedan
Not quite up to the level of the first two films in the series, 4 March 2006

Yeogo goedam 3 (Wishing Stairs) is a sequel in name only. Other than the setting of the film (an all-girl's school in Korea), it has very little to do with the other films in the series. In this one, there is a staircase on the school grounds that the students believe is magical. The staircase has 28 steps. When you reach the top, if a 29th step appears, it will grant your wish. When one of the girls is killed in a fall, another of the girls uses the magical staircase to wish her friend back to life. But she gets more than she bargained for.

As with the other films in the series, Wishing Stairs is very well made. The directors of this film are able to get some very nice performances out of the mostly unknown and unexperienced cast. Technically the film is very sound with some nice cinematography as the highlight. The special effects are well done and help create some very creepy moments. Overall, it's a nice installment to the series.

But, I haven't rated Wishing Stairs as high as I did the previous two films. Why? It's a little too formalistic and unoriginal. One of the elements that made Wishing Corridors and Memento Mori memorable is the subtle use of horror. In contrast, the horror is more obvious in Wishing Stairs. At times it seems like one set piece after the next with nothing of substance pushing the plot along. As for unoriginal, if you've seen Ringu, you've seen one of the big moments in this movie. Wishing Stairs has a very pale girl with long black hair crawling in jerky motions through a window. Sound familiar?

6/10

High Tension (2003)

- Haute tension
Brutal and Sadistic, 12 October 2005

Talk about an adrenaline rush! High Tension is an adrenaline junkie's wet dream. After the first 15 minutes (which are absolutely necessary to set-up what follows), the movie is a kick-to-the-balls thrill ride that rarely lets up. There's a reason the movie is called High Tension – Director Alexandre Aja ratchets the tension and suspense to eleven. It's a sadistic, brutal, blood-spattered good time. It's the kind of horror movie that in recent years has been sadly missing from the local multiplexes with their offering of PG-13 family friendly horror. The death scenes are graphic and disturbing. The victims do not spout one-liners just before being butchered. Instead, we see real horror on their faces. The acting, especially Cecile De France as Marie, is far superior to what I see in a lot of modern horror. It's an amazing performance. In short, High Tension is horror made the way horror should be made. But then comes the twist……

I have changed my rating on High Tension three or four times. I can't decide how mad I am about the twist. I'm not upset that the movie had a twist, I just don't care for how it was handled. I don't know why people seem surprised that the makers of High Tension would resort to a twist ending. In today's horror/thriller climate, the twist seems to be "The Thing". Every movie-maker seems to be trying to outdo M. Night Shamalamadingdong. Whether the decision to include a twist hurt the movie is open to interpretation. For me, the twist itself had little bearing on my enjoyment of the movie. But based on other comments I've read, it's clear that most people are in agreement – High Tension would have been a great movie without the twist.

It's going to be very difficult, but I will attempt to explain my problems with the twist without giving away too much. Because of that, some of what I'm about to write may not be as clear as I would have hoped. As I said, it's not that I mind the twist per se; it's just the way it's handled. While I have rationalized many of the perceived plot holes in the movie, there are still a few that cannot make any sense given the twist. You simply cannot have a scene in a movie that is simultaneously told from the perspective of both on-screen participants. A perfect example is the scene with Marie and Alex in the back of the truck. That scene as presented only makes sense if it were being told from the POV of both characters. One person alone would not have had that perspective. It's ridiculous to assume it could. Aja is trying to have his cake and eat it too by using these multiple POVs within the same scene. It's cheating.

Even with the twist, I was tempted to do something I rarely do after a first viewing – rate the movie a 10/10. But as I sat and thought about the movie and tried to wrap my mind around the twist, I realized there were problems I wasn't willing to overlook. In the end, I've still rated High Tension a 8/10. That rating is subject to change given repeat viewings and my ever-changing feelings toward the twist. Regardless of the rating, it's one of the best, recently made horror films I've seen.

8/10

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

However unfair, I can't help but compare it with the original, 10 September 2005

I'm not sure that anyone (especially fans of horror) doesn't have any idea of what to expect from the plot of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. For those who live under a rock, here's a very brief synopsis of the plot - TCM revolves around a group of friends who become stranded while traveling the back-roads of Texas. Unfortunately, they look for help in the wrong place and are soon under attack from a chainsaw welding maniac and his loony family. Most of the lost group of friends will pay for their mistake with their lives.

What Works:

- Kill Scenes. This is one of the few areas where the remake actually surpasses the original. For all the hype, TCM 1974 is not a very explicitly violent movie. Sure, we know people are dying, but we see very little of the actual carnage. TCM 2003 presents a lot of the gory details very effectively.

- Tension. Surprise, surprise – a modern American horror movie with some atmosphere. While I never felt the sense of dread or foreboding I do when watching TCM 1974, I must applaud the efforts to create tension through some relatively effective atmosphere. A perfect example is the scene where Jessica Biel hides in the closet. Very nicely done.

- R. Lee Ermey. While I'm not a fan of most of the members of the "new" family, Ermey is the exception. He would have fit right in with the Sawyers from TCM 1974.

What Doesn't Work:

- TCM 1974. It was all but impossible for me to watch this movie and not compare it with the original. The original is superior in many ways. Here's a laundry list of things I preferred in the original: the demented, over-the-top family; Marilyn Burns' escape and constant screaming; the dinner scene; the house decorated with human and animal remains; character motivation; and authentic 70s feel. The last item on my list may be a bit unfair, but the remake might have been better had the decision not been made to set it in the 70s. Few of the characters look, act, or "feel" authentic.

- Leatherface has a Medical Condition. Please just stop it! Why do many modern movies feel the need to create these ridiculous explanations for every character's motivation? What's wrong with having characters whose motivation is either that they are cannibals, backwards, or just plain evil?

- Why Doesn't Jessica Biel Die? This is almost exactly the same problem I had with Wrong Turn. Obviously I know why Biel doesn't die – you can't kill off the lead actress in the tight white t-shirt. It's all too unrealistic given the other events in the movie. All of the other members of her group are either immediately killed or so severely maimed that there is no real hope of their escape. But not Biel. With only a few scratches, the members of the family seem to take care to keep her "intact" to facilitate her escape. I never got the feeling she was in any real danger.

It's probably easy to see that I'm a fan of TCM 1974. It's difficult to explain, but the original has a gritty, brutal, savage "feel" to it that I find missing from most of the remake. And while I enjoyed the remake on a certain level, it has too many problems for me to completely endorse or recommend it.

5/10

Wrong Turn (2003)

"We are never going into the woods again!", 26 August 2005

A group of six young people find themselves stranded in the mountains of West Virginia. When four members of the group leave to find either help or a phone they stumble upon a cabin that at first appears to be deserted. But what they find in the cabin proves that it is actually inhabited and not the place they want to be when the owners return home. Just as they are making their exit, a truck pulls to the front of the house and three inbred mountain men enter the house carrying the dead, butchered bodies of their friends with them.

What Works:

- Inbred Hillbillies. Movies with backwoods murderous inbred hillbillies have always fascinated me. Some of my favorite movies (The Hills Have Eyes, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Final Terror, etc.) feature this kind of character. These characters are frightening because you know they're based in reality. There really are people out there who look and, to a lesser extent, act like this. As a bonus, the make-up used on Three Finger, Saw-Tooth, and One-Eye is excellent. It's another argument in favor of traditional quality latex make-up.

- No Jokes. Other than a few bits of comedy that fit within the framework of the plot, Wrong Turn is played straight. Most movies made today with this many horror clichés would turn into one big self-referential jokefest. I'm glad Schmidt avoided going down this road. There is no attempt to go out of the way to create comedy or fill the movie with inappropriate one-liners that only serve to ruin mood and atmosphere.

- Scenes of Violence. I found many of the scenes of violence particularly well done. These inbred hillbillies are brutal and savage. They care not for human life. Their methods of killing are primitive but effective. One of my favorite scenes involves a bow, an arrow, and human eye. Nice!

What Doesn't Work:

- It's Not West Virginia. My wife is from West Virginia and I've been there any number of times. I could tell almost immediately that the film wasn't actually made in West Virginia. I wasn't surprised to discover that the actual location was Ontario, Canada. If you're going to film a movie that is set in West Virginia, why not film it in West Virginia? This just bugged me throughout the entire movie.

- Why doesn't Eliza die? With the exception of Eliza Dushku's character, every other victim the inbreeds run across is immediately slaughtered. So why did they (or better yet, why does the script) treat Eliza differently? Why is she spared long enough to be rescued? Obviously I know the answer, but it's an inconsistency in Wrong Turn that I didn't appreciate.

Wrong Turn is a nice throwback to the 70s movies I grew up with. It's vicious, raw, brutal, and a lot of fun. In short, it's my kind of horror movie. Just thinking about the movie should make my family's annual October camping trip to West Virginia a more interesting.

7/10

Fresh Meat: The Wounds of 'Wrong Turn' (2003) (V)

Okay, but needs more, 25 August 2005

While every attempt was made to pack this nine minute documentary on the movie Wrong Turn with a lot of different and varied information, it's just too short to be very effective. This type of "behind the scenes" documentary works best with at least a thirty minute run time. Otherwise, too many interesting and informative bits are cut too short. Don't watch this if your expecting an in-depth study of any area of Wrong Turn.

However, what is presented is generally well done. The stories of selecting the director, the inbred hillbilly make-up, and other parts do provide the viewer with a taste of how the movie came to be. The make-up portions were easily my favorite. It was very interesting to see the mountain men without their make-up.

5/10

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

Insulting, 23 August 2005

I finally got around to watching Freddy vs. Jason last night. My immediate reaction: I don't understand how anyone who considers themselves fans of Freddy, Jason, or horror movies in general could enjoy this piece of garbage. The movie is an insult to the intelligence of any thinking fan of horror. I could almost feel my IQ dropping while the movie played. Freddy and Jason have become parodies of themselves and are no long in the slightest frightening. Their final epic battle is little more than a poorly done video game. The CGI is terrible and completely unrealistic. I can understand a large man such as Jason being able to sink a heavy ax into someone's head, but punching someone so hard they fly through the air? Come on! This is superhero comic book stuff, not horror.

And whatever happened to character development? Sure, the older movies in both series featured characters that weren't much more than stereotypes, but at least we were given a chance to get to know something about them before they died. Freddy vs. Jason doesn't even give the viewer the opportunity to determine who the jock, slut, dork, and good girl are before they are butchered.

Say what you will about the older movies in both series, but they come off like horror masterpieces compared with this thing. Unless you're a 13-year-old fanboy who has only seen one horror movie, I'll never fathom how anyone could place this movie at the top of a horror list or give it a rating of 10/10. And to top it off, there are actually people hoping for a sequel! Count me out.

2/10

A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)

- Janghwa, Hongryeon
Beautiful, 4 June 2005

It would be easy to dismiss A Tale of Two Sisters as being like The Sixth Sense or The Others. But that would be a mistake. Yes, there are plot similarities, but A Tale of Two Sisters is immanently more re-watchable. Where the other two movies suffer after you know the twist, A Tale of Two Sisters screams out for repeat viewings. The twist here is more involving, for a lack of a better word. There's just so much here to get your mind around that it's all but impossible to do with one viewing. I'm already looking forward to watching it again.

A Tale of Two Sisters is a hauntingly beautiful film. During several scenes I realized I had a real sense of unease. The characters are so easy to sympathize with that it's hard not to have these feelings when one of them faces danger. The setting adds a lot to the movies atmosphere. The big house with its many dark rooms makes an ideal location for this type of movie. The cinematography is simply stunning. The music, although sparse, fits the film nicely.

Even though I've never seen any of the actors in this movie before (and I doubt I ever will again), the performances are first rate. The two standouts are Su-jeong Lim and Jung-ah Yum. Lim, as the terrified daughter, is a character that I found it extremely easy to feel empathy for. It's amazing to watch her various transformations throughout the movie. And Yum plays the wicked stepmother role to perfection. She's an easy character to root against.

I haven't seen many Korean films (in fact, this is probably the only one I've ever seen), but I'm looking forward to discovering more.

8/10

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)

A little better than the first, 3 March 2005

In this episode, Lara Croft is out for more than just another archaeological find. She's looking for The Cradle of Life - the place where all life on earth is rumored to have begun. It is also rumored that The Cradle of Life is the resting place of Pandora's Box. She's in a race with an evil genius who wants to use the box to destroy most of mankind. Can she find it first?

It's amazing to me that someone was able to take the premise of a game that I spent hours enjoying and make two very mediocre movies. I've got the same problem with this movie that I did with the first. What happened to actually doing some tomb raiding? I realize that these movies can't be exactly like the games (PETA would have a fit if Lara was shown killing as many animals as she does in the games), but come on. The sense of adventure and the thrill of reaching the goal is completely lost in these movies. In its place, we have overblown special effects and stories that are utterly ridiculous.

The saving grace, as in the first film, is Angelina Jolie. I've never cared much for her, but she is the ultimate personification of Lara Croft. It's too bad the producers, directors, and writers couldn't fashion a good story for her.

5/10

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

Loved It, 2 February 2005

I was recently given the House of 1000 Corpses DVD as a gift. I had heard such bad things about it that I had been afraid to buy it myself. I just knew I wasn't going to enjoy it. Now, I wish I would have seen it sooner. I watch movies for the sake of entertainment. And if it entertains me, then art, technical merit, or any other thing people like to complain about be damned. Bottom line - House of 1000 Corpses is one of the most entertaining new movies I've seen. I found myself playing along with Rob Zombie to spot all of the movie's influences. A lot of reviews I've read complain that Zombie "ripped" The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and other movies. Personally, I don't think "ripped" is the right word. I see it as Zombie's way of paying a loving tribute to the movies he enjoys.

There's nothing at all original about the plot. Two couples get lost in the backwoods and are set upon by a crazed family of killers. Sound familiar? But what makes this movie different from many of the others that have tried this same plot are the visuals and the characters. Zombie has filled every frame of this picture with some of the most gruesome eye-candy imaginable. I wanted to stop the movie every five minutes just to take it all in. Everything from the vintage t-shirts worn by Captain Spaulding to the mobile of shoes is a real joy to behold. Zombie must be a nut for detail.

As for the characters (and here, I'm referring to the killers), each is so over-the-top that I couldn't wait to see what they would do next. Much of this comes form Zombie's casting choices. Sig Haig, Bill Moseley, Karen Black, and Sheri Moon play their demented characters to perfection. Each is an absolute "scene stealer", often within the same scene. It's such a pleasure to watch people having this much fun making a movie.

The movie is not without its problems. As previously mentioned, the plot is all but non-existent. Many of the underground scenes toward the end of the movie were not necessary to me. Also, some of Zombie's editing style is not to my taste. But, these things are minor to my overall enjoyment of the movie.

8/10