Charlie's Angels "Night of the Strangler" #1.3 (1976) (TV)

"If he had been Robert Redford, I might have said 'defile away'.", 19 February 2010

The Angels go undercover in the world of fashion to ferret out a murderer known as the "Rag Doll Strangler". It may sound like pretty standard stuff for a Charlie's Angels episode, but for some reason, it doesn't work as well for me as most. It's okay – just nowhere near my favorite episode of the first season. This may be a lame explanation for my opinions on Night of the Strangler, but it's just not as much "fun" as many of the other episodes. It's one of the darker, more serious episodes you'll run across. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I watch Charlie's Angels for the fluff. Another thing that bothers me about Night of the Strangler is the killer's choice of weapons – a rag doll. How stupid is that? Using a rag doll looks like it would make a very awkward means of murder. And how hard must it have been to hide something so obvious and obtrusive as a rag doll? It's not as if a rag doll would be a common thing for a grown man to have in his possession. I'd have thought the police could have wrapped this one up in record time. Finally, I don't care for the casting of Richard Mulligan. He's an okay sort of actor, but I can't see him in the role of suspect to murder – at least unless it's all being played for laughs. Having said all that, I'm still rating this episode a 6/10. It's well made, features some real suspenseful moments, and, as always, the Angels are on hand to make it at least worth checking out.

As I re-watched Night of the Strangler last night, something occurred to me. I'm a huge fan of the Italian Gialli films so popular in the late 60s and early 70s. Night of the Strangler plays much like a Giallo. Many of the distinctive elements you'll find in those films are present in this episode – a twisted plot, suspects galore, red herrings at every corner, sexual perversions, a mysterious black-gloved killer, beautiful women, and unusual deaths. I wouldn't be overly surprised to learn that writers of Night of the Strangler had seen a few Gialli themselves.

6/10

Charlie's Angels "Angels in Chains" #1.4 (1976) (TV)

"I'm allergic to working in potato fields.", 26 June 2009

With the passing of Farrah Fawcett, I thought it was high time I revisited an episode or two from the first season of Charlie's Angels. I decided to skip around and take a look at some of my favorites. What better place to start than "Angels in Chains"? What an episode! The Angels are sent into a women's prison to investigate the disappearance of their client's sister. Once there, the girls are treated to a strip search, a delousing, potato digging, and the opportunity to turn a few quick tricks at a party. It seems the women in the prison who cooperate at the warden's little parties get special treatment. The whole thing plays like watered down Pam Grier WIP film. Farrah, Kate, and Jaclyn are all quite fabulous. They're joined by one of the better supporting casts that I can remember – featuring David Huddleston (you might not know the name, but if you're a fan of all things 70s, you'd recognize the face), Anthony James (who could play a whacko with the best of 'em), Kim Basinger, and Mary Woronov. Some of the moments that I really love are the low speed potato truck chase, watching Farrah roll around on the floor with her all too obvious fake stomach ache, Anthony James' unsubtle remarks and creepy leering at Jaclyn, and Kate's wisecrack to the guard that gets her a punch in the kidney for her effort. Fun stuff! Watching 33 years after the fact, it's hard to believe that this was scandalous back in the day. Today, it seems oddly quaint – entertaining, but quaint. I much prefer things like "Angels in Chains" to what gets past off as entertainment on television today.

8/10

Squirm (1976)

"You gonna be da' worm face!", 11 June 2009

Squirm's plot centers on a small town in rural Georgia that has just witnessed a tremendous storm. Power lines are down and electricity is going straight into the ground forcing some dramatic and deadly changes to otherwise docile and innocuous worms. A young woman named Geri and her Yankee, antique hunting boyfriend named Mick are the only ones who seem to have a clue about what's going on and are now in a fight for their lives against the murderous worms.

I first saw Squirm about 20 or so years ago and, to be honest, didn't really care for it. At the time I suppose I would have rated it about a 3/10 (if I had been rating movies 20 or so years ago). For lack of a better word, it didn't "click" with me. Well, thank goodness for Mystery Science Theater 3000. Over the past several years, I've probably watched the Squirm episode of MST3K a half a dozen times. And each time, I've found myself enjoying the movie more and more. I may never consider Squirm one of my favorite all-time movies, but I now rate it a solid 6/10 (and still climbing). It's a nice addition to the Nature Run Amuck or the Man vs. Nature sub-genre of horror movies so popular in the 70s.

Much of what I initially disliked about the movie are the very same things I now see as positives. First off, the over-blown Southern accents really bothered me the first few times I watched Squirm. Now I realize they're not to be taken seriously. Like most everything else in the movie, the over-the-top "Southerness" of Geri, her family, and the entire town of Fly Creek is a huge asset. It adds a lot of character and overall fun to the movie. There were also a number of characters that initially really got on my nerves. From Mama to the Sheriff, I had trouble watching several of them. Over the years, however, I've grown to appreciate these eccentric caricatures and what they add to the movie. For example, I can't imagine watching Squirm without Mama's Gone with the Wind like pronouncements on everything from the weather to the seating arrangements at dinner. Next, I originally looked at the killer worm plot as being about the stupidest thing I had ever watched. But you know, I think it's supposed to be that way. The notion of rampaging worms is a hilarious, campy scream - and oh so much fun. Add to all this the really nice low budget special effects, solid acting by a group of unknown actors (for many, this was their only screen credit), wonderfully authentic Georgia locations, good pacing, and a steady directorial hand and it's amazing it's taken me this long to appreciate Squirm.

Once again, thank you MST3K for opening my eyes to this entertaining little movie.

6/10

Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll (1976)

- Los ojos azules de la muñeca rota
A very average Giallo, 17 May 2009

Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll is a decent enough Spanish Giallo with enough twists and turns in the plot to make it reasonably entertaining. The biggest problem, however, is that it lacks the style I usually associate with the genre. The set-up is wonderful – a drifter, Gilles (played by Spanish horror legend Paul Naschy), is hired as a caretaker at a house inhabited by three beautiful women – all of whom have some sort of problem. Claude has a prosthetic arm, Ivette is wheelchair bound, and Nicole is a raging nymphomaniac. Gilles arrival coincides with a series of brutal murders. Gilles has a secretive past, but is he really capable of the string of vicious deaths? Don't worry, it'll all be sorted out in the end.

First - the good. As I've already indicated, I loved the set-up. The big old house full of crazy women provides a wonderful backdrop for the film's events to unfold. The acting is okay. I was most impressed with Diana Lorys' very sympathetic performance as the vulnerable Claude. Next, the plot will keep you guessing right up to the end with its numerous red herrings. Suspicion is thrown on just about everyone. And, even though the ending comes out of nowhere and hardly seems plausible, the final reveal has one of the things I love about Gialli – the total unpredictability of the finale.

But as my rating would indicate, there are things about Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll that didn't work for me as well as they could have. First, I'm not the biggest fan of Paul Naschy. I try and try to enjoy the man's work, but for the most part, I don't see the appeal. Next, the special effects are very weak – even for a low budget Giallo. The eyes look ludicrous. Finally, as I indicated in the opening, Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll lacks that style I look for in a Giallo. Leaving out the works of Dario Argento and Mario Bava, just compare this movie with the Gialli of Sergio Martino, Luciano Ercoli, or Emilio Miraglia and you'll quickly see what I mean.

In the end, I'll give Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll a weak 6/10, verging on a 5/10.

6/10

Death Machines (1976)

Deliciously inept 70s trash, 6 May 2009

Fans of trashy, bad 1970s cinema gather 'round. I've found a real winner – Death Machines. Calling Death Machines "so bad it's good" doesn't begin to explain how deliriously enjoyable this movie truly is. Sure, it's bad – in fact you'd have a hard time finding anything quite so inept – but it's also an incredibly fun experience. What little plot the movie has concerns three assassins for hire – one white, one black, and one Asian (Think of the Death Machines as the Rainbow Coalition of killers - how politically correct!). These killers are all but indestructible – they're even impervious to bullets (the movie may have explained why or how, but I must have missed it). On a mission to take out a local karate studio, they inadvertently leave one man alive. They may have taken off one of his hands, but he's alive nonetheless. The police can't seem to find any leads into the karate studio killings, so it's up to our hero, Whining One Hand (as I like to call him), to bring down the gang of killers.

Oh where to start? This is one of those instances where I could easily write paragraph after paragraph about the ineptitude on display in Death Machines. But I'm not sure I can do the thing the justice it deserves. So instead, I'll summarize some of the highlights:

- The plot is little more than one set-piece after the next that only fit together because some of the characters are the same. The attack on the karate studio, the killing of the man in the phone booth, the bazooka shot at the airplane, the obligatory fight scene in the police station, and the bombing of the bank president – the only connection is that a familiar character or two appears in each scene. Otherwise, you might get the wrong idea and start to think the Death Machines actually had no real, coherent plot (wink, wink).

- The killers receive their marching orders from one of screendoms most bizarre master criminals. Madame Lee (and I only know her name by reading the credits on IMDb) is one weird cookie. To begin with, she seems incapable of opening her mouth and speaking as a normal person might. Between that, her thick accent, and the boom operator's inability to get close to her, it makes it just about impossible to understand what she's saying. And then there's that wig! Why in God's name did anyone think it would be a good look to have her wear a 12-inch high geisha wig? She looks ridiculous. Add to that her strange way of walking, her unusual choice of wardrobe, and her totally out of place facial expressions and Madame Lee is a sight that must be seen to be believed.

- The fight choreography is laughable. The opening fight scenes where Madame Lee is picking her three killers is beyond ridiculous. My 6 year-old son takes karate and I'm sure he and a few of his friends could have put together more believable fight set-pieces. And what's with the gun? Who told the white guy to bring a gun to a karate fight? And was it just me or were the opening fights rigged to ensure the racial diversity of Death Machines? White guy fighting white guy, black guy fighting black guy, Asian guy fighting Asian guy? It's too funny.

- Has there ever been a more ineffective hero than Whining One Hand? When not whining about his problems, getting beat-up by an old man in the bar he works at, or making love to the most unappealing nurse imaginable (I think I might have just thrown up a little in my mouth thinking about it), one of his lone contributions to the movie is to follow the bad guys, crawl through the tall grass, and watch as they blow up a plane and the unknown passengers therein. Does he do anything at all to try to stop the baddies? NO. He merely watches. By the time he shows up at the run-down house (that's obviously a stand-in for an opulent mansion- just use your imagination) the Death Machines have left, Madame Lee's right hand man is already dead, and yet he still manages to get attacked by the wobbly sword welding Madame Lee and her gigantic wig. What does our hero do? Again – nothing. Thank God the police were on hand to take out the dragon lady or Whining One Hand might have ended up being Whining No Hand.

On and on it goes (I haven't even gotten into the technical issues, the lack of any sort of ending, the inappropriate Casio keyboard music, or the old time gospel music played over the fight scene in the grocery store/bar). Death Machines is a real hoot of a movie that I implore all fans of bad 70s trash movies to seek out. You won't be disappointed. As for my rating, I'll be honest, rating movies like Death Machines is difficult. On one had, it's a stinker of epic proportions. But, on the other hand, I've always said that I rate movies based on my enjoyment. And with that in mind, I have to give Death Machines at least a 7/10 even with its numerous and all too obvious problems. Be warned, if the notion of a bad, plot-less 70s movie with characters that have no motivation or acting ability and big bad wigs with speech impediments doesn't appeal to you, stay away. Otherwise, enjoy!

7/10

Eat My Dust (1976)

Will Opie get the girl?, 2 January 2009

Hoover Niebold (Ron Howard) steals a race car to impress the girl of his dreams, Darlene (Christopher Norris). It seems that Darlene has a thing for fast cars and the guys who drive them. Hoover sets off with Darlene, but the law is in hot pursuit. And in Hoover's case, the law comes in the form of his father, Sheriff Niebold (Warren Kemmerling). Can Hoover evade his father and all of his friends, find enough gas, and not wreck his car all in the name of love?

I hadn't seen Eat My Dust since its initial release way back in 1976. Back then, my brother and I somehow convinced my dad to take us to see the movie. He slept through the whole thing while we had a great time with all the car crashes and comedy bits thrown in. So did it hold up 32 years later? You betcha! I had a great time re-watching it tonight. Eat My Dust combines just the right amount of over-the-top car chase scenes, surprisingly effective comedy elements (Dave Madden, aka Reuben Kincaid, is hysterical as Big Bubba Jones), an enjoyable mandolin-infused soundtrack, an appealing cast, snappy direction and cinematography, and some of the best looking hot pants and go-go boots I believe I've seen into one enjoyable package. I realize that Eat My Dust probably couldn't stand the light of a real critical appraisal, but I'm not a real critic. I watch movies for enjoyment and I enjoyed Eat My Dust.

One thing that really surprised me was how much I got out of the plot. The relationship between Hoover and Darlene was actually very well done. I admit it, there were moments that tugged at my heart. Sounds silly for a Roger Corman produced car chase movie, doesn't it? But you just really want to see a guy like Hoover get the girl. I don't use words like "sweet" very often to describe a movie, but that's what I thought about Hoover's feelings for Darlene. It made the ending that much more effective.

7/10

Pink Angels (1976)

"Look boys, I'm a hot dog!", 1 January 2009

I've got nothing against movies that are a bit offbeat, weird, or even bizarre – in fact, the obscure usually attracts me. And Pink Angels is certainly one offbeat, weird, and even bizarre movie. The plot (or what there is of it) involves a group of gay bikers headed to Los Angeles who run afoul of a band of Hell's Angels types and a straight-laced military type. Unfortunately, Pink Angels is also one incredibly bad movie. Just because something is different doesn't make it good. Nothing about this movie is least bit entertaining. It's supposed to be a comedy, but I didn't so much as smile – let alone laugh. Some might say it's a product of it's time, but I can't imagine anyone with a pulse in any decade finding this stinker worth watching. The over-the-top gay stereotypes aren't funny. For example, there's a whole sequence involving candelabras and champagne at a picnic with grubby bikers. Funny? Not at all. And the subplot involving the General is just plain old stupid. Weak production values, bad acting, and one pointless scene after the next only add to the misery. I've given Pink Angels an extra point for curiosity value, but that's the only reason. My recommendation – don't waste your time.

2/10

At the Earth's Core (1976)

"You cannot mesmerize me! I'm British!", 27 July 2008

How many of these lost-world/center-of-the-earth style movies did they make in the late 60s and early 70s? I swear I think I've seen a dozen or more. In At the Earth's Core, Dr. Abner Perry (the great Peter Cushing) and David Innes (Doug McClure) set off for an experimental ride in their earth digging machine, the Iron Mole. Something goes horribly wrong (and doesn't it always!) and the pair find themselves miles beneath the Earth's surface in a strange and unusual world. This underground world is ruled by some ridiculous looking pterodactyl-like creatures that make slaves of the local human inhabitants. It's the usual story from here on out – defeat the creatures, get the girl, escape, and generally save the day.

As much as I hate rating a movie a wishy-washy 5/10, that pretty much sums up my feelings of At the Earth's Core. I mean parts of the movie are bad and parts of the movie are good. On the bad side you've got the really awful special effects and a whole "been there, done that" feeling to much of the movie. As bad as the rubber-suited pterodactyl men look, they pale in comparison to what I'll call the saber-toothed hippo and the giant fire-breathing frog. You've also got Doug McClure trying in vain to play the hero. It doesn't work. On the positive side you've got Peter Cushing hamming it up like I've never seen before and a sense of fun about the whole thing. It never takes itself too seriously. Just let yourself go with the silliness. Another positive I feel compelled to mention are the outfits worn by Caroline Munro. Too bad she disappears for about 2/3 of the movie. So in the end, the good and bad sort of cancel each other out and I'm left with a completely average movie. And that, at least in my way of rating movies, is just what a 5/10 is – an average movie.

5/10

Gator (1976)

What happened to Gator McKlusky?, 19 June 2008

A two-time loser like Gator McKlusky (Burt Reynolds) will do anything to avoid a third strike and a long prison stint. So when a big city revenuer asks for Gator's help, what choice does he have? Gator's mission is to get the goods on Bama McCall (Jerry Reed), the nasty crime boss of a neighboring county. Gator gets something else he hadn't counted on, however, when he falls for television reporter Aggie Maybank (Lauren Hutton). Can he get the girl and the goon?

As is the case with most sequels, Gator is a vastly inferior movie to its predecessor, White Lightning. Everything that made that movie so good and so memorable is missing from Gator. While there are a few good moments like the opening boat chase, the movie doesn't have the same gritty feel to it that characterized White Lightning. Gator trades much of the action of White Lightning for a tired, dull romance between Reynolds and Hutton. Not only isn't it believable (especially if you know the Gator character from the first movie), but the outcome of the relationship is terribly predictable. "Sappy" and Gator McKlusky just shouldn't be used together.

But the most offensive part of Gator is Burt Reynolds. In White Lightning, he played it straight. From my review of White Lightning, "One of the coolest things about White Lightning is that it presents Burt Reynolds as an actor at the top of his game. This was a Burt Reynolds who seemed to actually care about the final product and not just yucking it up with his buddies on screen." In Gator, far too often Reynolds reverts to the clown he would become in movies like Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run. That laugh of his just grates on my nerves. There are times in Gator when Reynolds and Reed are on screen together that I swear it's like a test run for Smokey and the Bandit. And it's not surprising to see Hal Needham's name in the credits as Second Unit Director.

Overall, Gator is a huge disappointment. I'm being generous with my 3/10 rating.

3/10

The Legend of Bigfoot (1976)

Pathetic, 19 March 2008

If I were doing a one word review of The Legend of Bigfoot, it would be PATHETIC. This purported documentary is pathetic in every sense of the word and in every way imaginable. From the braggadocios but ultimately pointless narration to the exaggerated claims of presenting proof of the Bigfoot's existence, it's all just so pathetic. The movie tells the story of (and is unfortunately narrated by) Ivan Marx and his search for Bigfoot. For those unfamiliar with Marx, apparently he was an outdoorsman and tracker of some note (at least that's what he tells us over and over) who claims to have filmed Bigfoot. But to get to the 30 or so seconds of Bigfoot footage, The Legend of Bigfoot's 76 minute runtime is filled with over 75 minutes of padding. Shots of impressive looking moose, sad little ground squirrels being run over by cars, and tired looking Bigfoot tracks are just a few examples of what makes up the bulk of the movie. And when we finally do get to see the supposed Bigfoot footage, in contrast to much of the rest of the film, it's distorted, grainy, and of such a poor quality it proves nothing. In fact, the images look far more like someone in an ape suit than anything else (hmmmm, I wonder why?).

Getting beyond whether or not Marx is a scam artist (take a look around the internet and judge for yourself), the movie is still pathetic. It's as dull as can be and provides very little in the way of entertainment - intentional or otherwise. If you want to see a far better, more entertaining pseudo-documentary with a similar subject, check out The Legend of Boggy Creek. It comes off looking like Academy Award winning material in comparison to The Legend of Bigfoot.

2/10

Rattlers (1976)

Unintentionally, Rattlers is a funny movie, 12 March 2008

What a completely ridiculous movie. Rattlers' plot is so nonsensical it's hysterical. A series of snakebite deaths has the local sheriff worried so he calls in a snake expert and male chauvinist, Dr. Tom Parkinson (Sam Chew) for assistance. The sheriff has also seemingly at random hired a photographer and women's libber named Ann Bradley (Elisabeth Chauvet) to help. It's like oil and water when these two get together. But it doesn't take an Einstein to figure out that these two will overcome their difference and hop into bed together before the end of the movie. Anyway, Tom and Ann begin searching the desert for . . . well, it's never clear what they hope to find, but boy do they ever search. On foot, in a jeep, and in a helicopter, Tom and Ann tirelessly and endlessly search the desert. The excitement was almost more than I could bear. About the only thing they find is a piece of bloody cloth that is quickly forgotten, never to be mentioned again. Oh, they also find a military storage base. Tom and Ann discover that some of the nerve gas the military buried in the desert has had a strange effect on the rattlesnakes. Of course no other animal is affected – just the snakes. In the end, the snakes are accidentally destroyed in one of the goofiest shootouts ever put on film and Tom and Ann are able to ride off into the sunset having done absolutely nothing to solve the rattlesnake problem. The end.

There are quite a few unintentionally hilarious scenes and set-pieces in Rattlers. My absolute favorite moment involves two Army types patrolling the desert in the middle of the night. While tooling around in their jeep, they have a blow-out. They get out to investigate and find that a snake has bitten through their tire. Yes, that's right – a rattlesnake launched itself at a moving jeep, grabbed a tire with its fangs, and bit down hard enough puncture the tire. This has to be the single most stupid thing I've seen in a movie in a long time. Gotta love it! So please don't misinterpret my rating - Rattlers is not a good movie, but it is a funny movie. Intentional or not, I was entertained.

6/10

The Monkey Hu$tle (1976)

Watchable - but that's being generous, 3 March 2008

It's difficult to write a plot description for a movie like The Monkey Hustle. On its surface, it would seem to be the story of a diverse group of people banding together to stop a proposed freeway from destroying their community. But the movie is just as much about a cheap, small-time hood named Daddy Foxx (Yaphat Kotto) and the boys he trains in hustling. Then again, The Monkey Hustle is about the relationship of two young people and what they go through to be together. Or is the movie really about a flamboyant would-be gangster named Goldie (Rudy Ray Moore) maintaining his control over a community through force? Actually, The Monkey Hustle's plot is a mish-mash of ideas that, unfortunately, never seem to hit their mark. It's supposed to be a comedy, but I can only think of a couple of instances that I found remotely amusing. And even though The Monkey Hustle gets lumped in with the blaxploitation movies of the period, it lacks the sex, violence, and emotional charge necessary to be considered as such. What does it say about a movie when the most generous adjective I can come up with to describe it is "watchable"?

Did you ever watch a movie and feel like a reel or two were missing? That's how I felt after watching this movie. A big part of the plot is that Daddy Foxx has "something" on Godlie. Likewise, they both seem to have "something" on the Alderman. Infuriatingly, the movie never spells out or even hints at what the characters have on each other. In the films finale, we see Daddy Foxx and Goldie wink knowingly at each – but why? It just doesn't make any sense. I feel like I feel asleep and missed crucial plot points.

I normally don't get into the messages or meanings of the movies I watch, but with The Monkey Hustle, I feel almost compelled to at least mention the mixed messages it sends out. Why are Daddy Foxx and Goldie made out to be the heroes? They don't do much of anything of value for the community. And neither man has any moral issues when it comes to stealing from their neighbors, thereby helping to maintain the status quo of poverty. It's a shame that the one educated black man in the community who was responsible for organizing the save the community block party isn't given any of the credit. Instead, it's the hustlers and the number runners who come out looking good as the real hero is shoved into the background.

4/10

Family Plot (1976)

"Well even fish smells good when you're starving to death.", 25 February 2008

Blanche and George (Barbara Harris and Bruce Dern) are small time operators who use Blanche's supposed abilities as a medium to con trusting old souls out of a few dollars. Their latest mark has agreed to give them $10,000 if they can help her locate a long lost family member. Meanwhile, successful jewelry merchant Arthur (William Devane) and girlfriend Fran (Karen Black) have made something of a career of kidnapping wealthy individuals and ransoming them for diamonds. As luck would have it, the trail of the missing relative leads to Arthur. Not knowing what the pair of would-be detectives is up to and assuming the worst, Arthur quite naturally decides that he and Fran must put a stop to Blanche and George's snooping.

I'm joining the chorus singing the praises of Family Plot. Like a lot of others, I think it gets a bad rap. Sure, it's not the best thing Hitchcock ever directed, but come on, it's still a very entertaining, funny movie. It may lack the nail-biting, gut-wrenching suspense of Notorious and the horrific elements and images of Psycho, but it was never meant to be like those two films. Besides, I don't want to see the same movie over and over anyway. What's wrong with a little diversity and a change of pace? I've always thought Hitchcock did a great job with Family Plot. He manages to take two completely different plot lines and seamlessly and expertly merge them together. He mixes just the right amount of generally understated comedy with a thrilling conclusion. Ernest Lehman's screenplay is smart and filled with some terrifically dark humor that almost always hits the nail on the head. The film may run long for a comedy at 121 minutes, but I can't think of a wasted scene or moment that should have been cut out. I also like the way the audience is allowed to play along with the movie. The audience discovers plot points right along with the characters. There are no "cheats".

But as much as I enjoy the script and as talented as Hitchcock my have been, it's the cast that makes Family Plot really special. From Karen Black's cool entrance in the black trench coat and hat to William Devane's toothy and creepy smile to Bruce Dern's wild hair and constant fidgeting with his pipe to Barbara Harris' hysterical and manipulative séance scenes, I really cannot pick a favorite. They are all equally fantastic. And, I cannot imagine Family Plot without even one of this quartet of actors.

In the end, Family Plot is a neat little movie. It may not be Hitchcock's best or most suspenseful or most horrific or most dramatic, but it just might be amongst his most fun.

7/10

Track of the Moon Beast (1976)

"Chicken. Corn. Green peppers. Chili. Onions. ...", 6 November 2007

For whatever reason, I have now seen Track of the Moon Beast on two different occasions – once with the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary and once without. Should I decide to waste another 90 or so minutes for a third viewing, there's really only one viewing option – watch the MST3K version. Track of the Moon Beast is painful. The idiocy on display can actually start to hurt without the MST3K commentary to take the edge off. From Native American anthropologist Johnny Longbow and his stew recipe to the terry-cloth hot-pants worn by Donna Leigh Drake, Track of the Moon Beast is filled with a nonsensical plot, uninteresting characters, bad acting, poor special effects, brainless dialogue, and bottom of the barrel sound, cinematography, and lighting. You don't get much worse than this.

One of my "favorite" moments occurs when old Johnny Longbone is relating the Native American legend of the Lizard-Man to the sheriff. He has an overhead projector with a number of transparencies he uses to illustrate his story. Well, Longbritches' drawings look about like something you would see drawn in my son's Pre-K class. They're so ridiculous looking! It cracks me up every time I see it.

1/10

Violent Naples (1976)

- Napoli violenta
One of Lenzi's better Poliziotteschi, 20 April 2007

Commissioner Betti (Maurizio Merli) has been sent to Naples to help clean up the city. Armed robbery, rape, extortion, and murder are everyday occurrences in Naples. Betti soon realizes there are two crime bosses behind most of the mayhem - Capunao (John Saxon) and the Commandante (Barry Sullivan). The two are at war and Betti's caught in the middle. Betti is a no nonsense kind of cop who is perfectly comfortable using whatever tactics necessary to get the job done. But how far is Betti willing to go to get his man?

Trying to do a short summary of a movie Violent Naples is almost impossible. The movie is in reality little more than a series of action-packed set-pieces strung together with an all but invisible plot thread. Intricate plot details are hardly the point of a film like Violent Naples. Instead, it's about the action and the pacing. And Lenzi was as good at this as anyone who ever made a Poliziotteschi. Violent Naples moves from fire bombings to beatings to bank hold-ups to gunfights to rape without missing a beat. Lenzi doesn't give you time to catch your breath before your off to the next action set-piece. I was impressed and found memorable the very same moments noted in almost every other review or article written on Violent Naples – the vicious bowling scene and the amazing camera work of the motorcycle chase scene. As good a moments as I've yet run across in a Poliziotteschi.

Along the same lines as Violent Naples' paper-thin plot, if you're looking for character insight and development, look elsewhere. Merli's Betti is as two dimensional a leading character as you'll find. We know almost nothing of the man. Similarly, we know next to nothing about the baddies played by Saxon and Sullivan. In fact, sitting here writing this, I can't even remember what their disagreement was about. Like I wrote before, details like character motivation are secondary to the action. And honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way.

8/10

Northville Cemetery Massacre (1976)

Low-budget film-making at its best, 18 April 2007

Wherever they go, the members of the motorcycle club known as The Scorpions seem to wind up the target of local law enforcement. They can't even drive their motorcycles down the road without drawing unwanted (and unneeded) attention of the local "pigs". But things escalate during a Scorpions wedding in the middle of the field. A girl is raped in a nearby barn and the police and the girl's parents blame the bikers. A few of the local yahoos, including the real rapist and the girl's father, decide to take matters into their own hands. Regardless of the Scorpions' guilt or innocence, the stage is set for a final showdown.

Northville Cemetery Massacre proves that you don't need a big budget to be effective. On a budget of about $1.58, Northville Cemetery Massacre is able to be an entertaining, thought provoking, and unique experience. This is low-budget film-making at its best. Northville Cemetery Massacre's got more atmosphere than a movie with 100 times the budget (actually, I think the movie's low budget helped to contribute to this). I usually reserve the word "atmosphere" to describe horror movies, but it is more than appropriate here. The movie comes off as gritty, dirty, and very realistic. Most of the cast is made up of the members of a real biker gang from Detroit. These aren't actors. And while it does show negatively in some scenes, overall, the real bikers add a sense of realism you couldn't get from a bunch of Hollywood actors. They dress, talk, look, and act like bikers. The final showdown is very nicely done with action, gunplay, and blood galore. And I thought the special effects looked great. I wouldn't doubt that most all of that $1.58 budget I mentioned went into the final scenes. Finally, another highlight is the score by Mike Nesmith (yeah, that Mike Nesmith). Most similarly budgeted films do not have music this good.

If you're into low-budget 70s exploitation, Northville Cemetery Massacre is one you shouldn't miss.

7/10

Murder by Death (1976)

"Room filled with empty people.", 23 August 2006

There are three movies that, for whatever reason, I have watched literally 100s of times. Murder By Death is one of the three movies. The great thing is that I never get tired of it. It never gets old with me. The comedy is as fresh today as it was in 1976 when I saw Murder By Death in the theater. I think the movie appeals to me because I grew up reading Agatha Christie and watching Charlie Chan on The Late Show. Later, when I discovered the Humphrey Bogart movies and the Thin Man movies, I became an instant fan. I get a real kick out watching Neil Simon poke fun at the characters from these books and movies. The screenplay is clever, intelligent, and, most importantly, funny. I all but laugh out loud every time I watch the "dead, naked butler" bit or listen to Peter Selles arguing with the "cow" on the wall. It's good stuff!

In addition to Simon's writing, the acting in Murder By Death is a real highlight. The cast is a Who's Who of some of the best actors of the 60s and 70s. David Niven, Peter Sellers, Alec Guinness, Peter Falk, and every other member of the cast (including the usually annoying James Coco) are all wonderful. Their parodies of the famous detectives are dead-on perfect. But the best, in my opinion, is Maggie Smith. It's amazing that in a group of such renowned actors, Smith is able to steal almost every scene and become the center of attention. She is simply amazing in Murder By Death. I could watch her all day.

So, here's to another 100 viewings of Murder By Death! I can't get enough of it.

9/10

C.B. Hustlers (1976)

It's so deathly dull that it's not even unintentionally funny, 1 June 2006

If you're looking for entertainment, look elsewhere. Here's what you'll find in C.B. Hustlers – a dozen or so vans, C.B. radios, and three decent looking women playing hookers. What you won't find is a plot, acting ability, production values, comedy, or much of anything interesting. In short, C.B. Hustlers is about as bad a movie as you can find. And it's so deathly dull that it's not even unintentionally funny. If you're idea of a good movie consists of long shots of a half dozen vans parked in a field with a bunch of unknown people walking around drinking beer, then you're in luck. About 15 minutes of C.B. Hustlers short runtime is made up of just such a shot. Entertaining? I don't think so.

1/10

The Big Racket (1976)

- Il grande racket
One of the best films of this type I've seen, 12 May 2006

I have now seen quite a few of the Italian crime films made in the 70s. The Big Racket is easily among the better Poliziotteschi I've so far run across. The violent action is non-stop. The film rarely takes a break for the viewer to catch a breath. Fabio Testi stars as Inspector Nico Palmieri, a cop determined to put an end to the protection racket run by a group of local thugs. But the seemingly small time thugs are actually part of a larger group with the goal of spreading their reign of terror to a much larger scale. Nico enlists the aid of a handful of men who have been directly affected by the gang's activities to help him wipe out the entire group of gangsters. But does this small seemingly rag-tag band of misfits stand a chance against a much larger band of killers?

The Big Racket is gritty, violent, sadistic, and nothing is held back. Director Enzo Castellari has crafted some amazing action sequences. The shootouts at the train station and the final battle at the warehouse are some of the better scenes of this type I've seen. And the scene featuring Testi rolling down a hill inside a car is so well done and so realistic that I actually worried about Testi's health. The Big Racket also features a couple of rape scenes that can be difficult to watch, yet they add immensely to the overall feel of the film and supply realistic motivation for the vigilante actions to follow. These scenes are brutal and sadistic and show the depravity these thugs are capable of and why they must be eliminated.

Fabio Testi gives one of his better performances that I've seen in The Big Racket. Unlike The Heroin Busters, where I never bought into Testi's character, he is completely believable in this film. The rest of the main supporting cast is just as good. My favorite supporting performance comes from Orso Maria Guerrini, the marksman who goes mad for vengeance after watching his wife get raped and burned alive. Much of the cast is made up of stunt people who do an adequate job given their limited experiences in front of the camera.

Overall, if you're a Poliziotteschi fan or just a fan of American cop films from the 70s and have never seen an Italian crime film, The Big Racket is a definite must.

8/10

The Swiss Conspiracy (1976)

What a waste!, 2 May 2006

What's up with David Janssen? I've seen any number of films he stars in and I've yet to see why or how the guy made so many films, especially late in his career. I know he made some good stuff early on like The Fugitive, but does anyone find the David Janssen that appeared in The Swiss Conspiracy appealing? Are we really supposed to believe the scenes of him in bed with Senta Berger? I'm not buying it for a second. He's got that greasy, unwashed look to him like he's on a three-day bender and has had one too many bottles of Scotch and just finished his third pack of cigarettes before noon. Actors like Clint Eastwood can scowl through a whole movie and look tough. Janssen just looks like he's got some sort of lower intestinal problem. And what's with that hair? Why in the world would anyone grow their sideburns long enough to comb them back over their ears? Did he really think that was a good look?

As for The Swiss Conspiracy, there's a reason you can buy it in the U.S. for $1 from every public domain company to come down the pike – it's not very good. It's amazing that you can take a cast that includes the aforementioned Janssen (regardless of my rant, I still like him), Senta Berger, John Saxon, John Ireland, Elke Sommer, Ray Milland, and Anton Diffring and make something this bad. Each of these actors appeared in any number of films that I enjoy. But not here. Part of the problem is that most of these actors are so underutilized that you wonder what made them want to do this film in the first place. Take John Saxon. His tough, Chicago hood character would have been great had he stuck around for more than 10 minutes. What a waste!

3/10