Caliber 9 (1972)

I agree - Ugo Piazza is a God!, 4 February 2017

Incredible! I haven't watched many 70s Euro-Crime films in a while, but I can't remember any being quite this good. Caliber 9 is just amazing. Almost everything about the movie is perfect. The plot is simple enough - recently released from prison, Ugo Piazza is approached by his old employers, led by the Americano, about $300,000 in cash he may have stolen and hidden. Without any other prospect, he agrees to go to work for the gang with hopes of throwing off the old suspicions. I'm seriously not going to go into any more detail - I'd hate to ruin any of the plot twists and turns for anyone who might be reading this.

Director Fernando Di Leo expertly oversees one of the more interesting films I've seen recently. The movie moves at a fantastic pace with action, interesting dialogue, and intrigue around every corner. The violence is plentiful, but not overdone (a complaint I've had in the past about some Euro-Crime films). The acting is far superior to what you'd expect in a movie of this type. Mario Adorf, Philippe Leroy, Lionel Stander, and Barbara Bouchet give some of the best performances I've ever seen from them. But, the real standout is Gastone Moschin. His steely-eyed Ugo Piazza is one of the best characters ever. The understated way Moschin plays Piazza is brilliant. Finally, I've already referred to the plot, but it is so well written, it deserves another mention. There's not a wasted scene. The final couple twists brought a real smile to my face. They're so unexpected that I was totally caught off-guard. Bravo!

Overall, Caliber 9 is a real winner. It's the kind of movie I love discovering and the reason I sit through some total garbage just hoping I'll stumble on something like this. I wish I was a real writer and could better express my feelings toward Caliber 9. I'm not, so I'll end this the way I started - incredible!

9/10

The Bounty Killer (1967)

- El precio de un hombre
One of Tomas Milian's best performances, 13 December 2009

As far as Euro-Westerns go, The Bounty Killer has about as straight forward a plot as you'll find. Jose Gomez (Tomas Milian) is a prisoner being moved by coach to a new facility to await his death. The citizens of his hometown see him as something of a hero and want to help him out. Gomez's would-be love interest Eden (Halina Zalewska) slips him a gun at one of the stage's stops. But is Gomez the same man the townsfolk remember? Or, as bounty hunter Luke Chilson (Richard Wyler) warns, has Gomez changed and no longer deserving of their admiration? The locals are about to find out as Gomez and his gang with the bounty hunter hot on his heels are headed straight for their sleepy little town.

It's not perfect by any means, but for fans of Euro-Westerns, there's a lot in The Bounty Killer to enjoy. First, and most obvious, is Tomas Milian. I don't know how many of these Westerns he made, but this was his first. And quite honestly, it may represent his best acting performance. The multi-dimensions and facets he's able to give his character, Jose Gomez, is nothing short of brilliant. Even though he's an escaped prisoner, Gomez is a character we initially root for. But slowly, he changes. Toward the end of the film, Milian has transformed Gomez into the kind of ruthless killer that a hangman's noose is too good for. And his final moments on screen, all I can say is "Wow!" It's an incredible performance. As for the rest of the cast, they're all more than adequate with the familiar face of Mario Brega, the beautiful face of Halina Zalewska, and the steady, unflinching face Richard Wyler as anti-hero Luke Chilson. It takes a while for Chilson to grow on you, but once he does it's easy to appreciate the character. In fact, it takes a while for all of The Bounty Killer to grow on you. The film starts out slow (very slow in fact), but be patient – the payoff is worth the wait. Looking back at the film, the pacing director Eugenio Martin gives to The Bounty Killer is one of the movie's assets – culminating with a final act that features plenty of fight scenes, shoot outs, and various other killings. Not as graphic as some of the later Euro-Westerns, there's enough violence to keep most everyone happy. The Spanish country side is beautifully filmed and provides just the gorgeous dusty setting I've come to look forward to in these films. Finally, Stelvio Cipriani's score, though often repetitive, is rousing and memorable. Overall, it's a job well done.

8/10

A Pistol for Ringo (1965)

- Una pistola per Ringo
"Early to bed, early to rise, gets you shot between the eyes.", 30 October 2009

The leader of a band of Mexican outlaws is wounded as the group makes its getaway after a bank robbery. The bandits decide to hold-up at a nearby ranch. The outlaw leader, Sancho (Fernando Sancho), threatens to kill two hostages per day unless he and his gang are allowed passage to Mexico. The local sheriff feels hamstrung as he fears for the life of his girl, one of the hostages, if he makes a move against the bandits. Reluctantly, he turns to a prisoner he's holding, Ringo (Giuliano Gemma), for help. The plan – have Ringo, an outlaw himself, infiltrate the group and work from the inside to free the prisoners.

A Pistol for Ringo is an interesting and entertaining early Spaghetti Western. It's interesting to me because I look at it as something of a bridge between the traditional Hollywood Westerns and the Euro-Westerns just getting cranked-up in 1965. It's a mix of old and new. Old – costumes, the unrealistic portrayal of violence (no blood), and the lack of dirt (it always bugs me that no one in old Westerns ever gets dirty). New – the anti-hero, bandits like Sancho, the body count, and crazy plot points and twists. It's really cool to see these different elements blended into one movie like A Pistol for Ringo. As for entertaining, well it's just fun. Lighter feeling than some of the other early Spaghetti Westerns, A Pistol for Ringo has something of a playful tone to it despite the violence. The script is well written and includes many interesting pieces of dialogue – the bit about what makes men different in Texas being one of my favorites. The script also includes a well written, but heart wrenching, twist near the end that I really didn't see coming. It completely caught me off-guard. Director Duccio Tessari keeps things moving at a nice pace with lots of action, gun fights, and interesting set-pieces throughout. The acting is a real highlight. Gemma, Sancho, and the beautiful Susan Scott (Nieves Navarro) help make A Pistol for Ringo worth watching. Finally, there's Ennio Morricone's score. It's what I've come to expect from Morricone – wonderful

7/10

Redneck (1973)

- Senza ragione
A real disappointment, 7 September 2009

Definitely not your typical Polizia, Redneck just never worked for me. The movie tells the story of a jewel heist gone wrong and a young boy who is inadvertently kidnapped in the process. In their attempt to get away, the robbers leave a bloody trail of death in their wake as they hatch a plan to ransom the boy. The plan is never carried off as the robbers are more intent on getting to France and the boy is intent on staying with them. While I could cite a number of problems I had with the movie, I'll focus on the most obvious – the character Memphis played by Telly Savalas. From his work in The Dirty Dozen and Kelley's Heroes to other Italian films like Crime Boss to his most remembered role as Kojak, Savalas was a winner. I've always thought of him as one uber-cool customer. Unfortunately, Savalas is almost unwatchable in Redneck. Did the director turn on the camera and instruct him to act as psychotic as possible? It might not have been too bad had his actions been done within the context of a plot I cared about, but here he seems to be acting bizarre for sake of being bizarre. It's appears to be random lunacy. And what's with that accent? Savalas might have been a lot of things, but Southern isn't one of them. He sounds completely ridiculous even attempting the accent. Beyond that, I found little of interest in the rest of the movie. As I indicated, the plot never drew me in. I just didn't care about what was going on. And the notion that the boy is so quickly attracted to the criminal lifestyle doesn't ring true. As for the other actors, Mark Lester is almost as bad as Savalas and the usually reliable Franco Nero isn't a whole lot better. Three "name" actors and not a good performance between them. To make matters worse, I believe the director filmed many of the night scenes with nothing more than the glow from his watch to light the shots. I couldn't tell what was going on. Characters I hate, a plot I don't care about, and a production values that failed – little wonder I've given Redneck a 3/10.

3/10

Five for Hell (1969)

- 5 per l'inferno
Relax and don't take it so seriously, 6 September 2009

The plot of Five for Hell isn't anything overly original. Those who have seen The Dirty Dozen or The Inglorious Bastards (the best of these over-the-top Italian war movies) will find things very familiar. A group of five American GIs are sent behind enemy lines to obtain a copy of Nazi battle plans stored in the safe of a heavily guarded villa. The GIs have help on the inside in the form of a double-agent named Helga (played by the ludicrously gorgeous Margaret Lee). Her main objective is to keep SS Col. Hans Mueller (the great Klaus Kinski) otherwise occupied. Meanwhile, Lt. Hoffman (Sartana himself – Gianni Garko) and his men make their way to the villa, open the safe, and battle their way back to safety. It's very simple, but nicely put together.

After reading reviews for Five for Hell on IMDb and around the internet, I think there are a bunch of people who have forgotten how to have fun watching a movie. That's what I did with Five for Hell – I had fun. Forget realism, forget history, forget the normal conventions of a good movie – this is classic Italian genre cinema. Just relax, don't take things too seriously, and go with it. A few familiar actors (Lee, Kinski, Garko, Sal Borgese, Luciano Rossi), a catchy soundtrack (I dare you to get that main theme out of your head), bad dubbing (I've gotten so used to this by now, it doesn't phase me), a gimmick or two for interest (exploding baseballs and a crazy trampoline), over-the-top action (the final 15 minutes are just one big machine gun fight), a really rotten bad guy to root against (Kinski at his evil best), and a beautiful woman (I think I've already expressed my feelings about Margaret Lee). Yep – Five for Hell's got it all.

7/10

The Pumaman (1980)

- L'uomo puma
"You cannot escape me!", 3 September 2009

As I've said before, you've just got to love those wacky Italians and some of their wacky cinematic "achievements". The Puma Man (or The Pumaman as the title card indicates) tells the story of Professor Tony Farms (Walter George Alton) who reluctantly accepts his superhero birthright. A direct descendant of extraterrestrials, he is given the power of the puma (Until I watched this movie, I had no idea that pumas could fly? Who knew?) so that he might defend the secrets of the Aztecs. One of those secrets, a golden mask that grants its possessor the power of mind control, has been stolen by the evil Kobras (Donald Pleasance). With his Aztec guide Vadinho (Miguel Angel Fuentes), The Puma Man must put a stop to Kobras' plans of world domination.

It might be screwy, but I can't help but enjoy parts of The Puma Man. The movie comes across like a twisted, no-budget mix of Superman and the U.S. television series "The Greatest American Hero". From the superhero costume that includes brown slacks straight off the rack at Sears to the poorly done rear projection special effects to the repetitive (but admittedly catchy) Casio keyboard soundtrack to the Christmas ornament-like space ship, it's obvious that the budget on The Puma Man was less that what I spent on dinner last night. But the odd thing is, regardless of how cheap looking most of the movie is, it's got a charm to it that money can't buy. And while that doesn't necessarily make The Puma Man a great movie or anything, on occasion the movie overcomes its many faults (or it might be because of these faults) and is often quite fun. The acting isn't much to write home about. Pleasance proves he could be a scene-chewer without equal. His insistence on pronouncing "puma" as "pyuma" is hysterical. Our would-be hero, Alton, is generally ineffectual. The female lead, played by Sydne Rome, while reasonably attractive, doesn't display much in the way of acting skills either. Still, given the material they're given to work with, the entire cast is serviceable. But probably the best thing I can say about The Puma Man is that it's not dull. In fact, it's well paced and generally entertaining throughout its runtime. And as I've argued so many times, entertainment is the single most important thing to me when watching movies.

Compared with most everyone else on IMDb, my rating for The Puma Man sticks out like a sore thumb. Maybe I enjoy it for all the wrong reasons, but whatever it is, I do enjoy it.

5/10

The Great Diamond Robbery (1967)

- Colpo maestro al servizio di Sua Maestà britannica
This movie defines "undiscovered gem", 20 August 2009

I watched The Great Diamond Robbery last night and don't think I could have enjoyed it much more than I did. What a wonderfully entertaining, relatively unknown gem of a movie! I call it unknown because I can't find much at all on the internet on the film. In fact, even though my copy (and apparently several others who have seen the film) goes by the name The Great Diamond Robbery, you won't find that name listed on IMDb. Instead, you'll find it listed under either the name Colpo maestro al servizio di Sua Maestà Britannica or Master Stroke (to those of us more fluent in English). Whatever you call it, it's one very fun heist-type film that deserves a much wider audience.

As for the plot . . . well, I can't really go into the plot very much without giving away the movie's many surprises. Very briefly, Richard Harrison (in one of the most ironic roles ever) plays an actor in Spaghetti Westerns who is one day approached by a group of men offering him an acting job. He agrees to listen and discovers that this is no ordinary role. It seems that the actor bears a remarkable resemblance to Arthur Land, a top executive at the diamond exchange. These men want him to pose as Lang and help them steal a fortune in diamonds. I'll stop my plot description here as anymore would be too much. I'll just add that The Great Diamond Robbery features one of the most clever plots imaginable. There are more twists and turns, more red herrings, and more slight of hand than you'll see in a dozen other movies combined. Every time you think you've got things figured out, the plot throws you another curve. It's really an amazing piece of writing.

Beyond the plot, the cast is another big highlight. Richard Harrison was never better. I've seen him in Spaghetti Westerns, peplums, and other genre films, but I don't remember enjoying a performance from him as much as this one. Harrison is joined by a wonderful cast that includes genre regulars Adolfo Celi and Margaret Lee. Both are also excellent in their roles. Most of the rest of the cast, with the notable exception of Luciano Pigozzi, weren't as familiar to me, but all were very good. I have no complaints with the acting in The Great Diamond Robbery.

I could keep going and going with the superlatives. Solid direction from Michele Lupo, excellent locations and sets, real tension and suspense, terrific cinematography, and wonderful pacing – everything about The Great Diamond Robbery is perfect. One final highlight is the music. Francesco De Masi's score fits the film perfectly. The main theme is one of those pieces of music that will be in your head long after the film is over. I'd actually like to track down a copy – it's that good.

Overall, The Great Diamond Robbery (or Master Stroke or Colpo maestro al servizio di Sua Maestà Britannica) is one of those movies I always love to discover. I'm so glad I had the chance to watch it. I know it's wishful thinking, but I would love to see a good, legit R1 release. I'd snap it up in a heartbeat.

9/10

Death Carries a Cane (1973)

- Passi di danza su una lama di rasoio
Unoriginal and uninspired, 19 August 2009

While waiting for her husband to pick her up in a park, Kitty (Susan Scott) accidentally looks through a telescope just in time to see a woman brutally murdered. She doesn't see the murderer's face, but she is able to tell the police that the assailant was carrying a cane. In short order, another possible witness, a man who owns a chestnut cart, is murdered. The police initially suspect Kitty's husband, Alberto, who has mysteriously sprained an ankle. Even though the suspicions against the husband fall away, Kitty and Alberto are nonetheless drawn into the investigation.

Death Carries a Cane is a terrific example of what I'd call a "lesser" Giallo. The whole thing seems so unoriginal and uninspired that at times it can be a chore to watch. I had to wake myself at least three times the night I sat down to watch. Like many Gialli, the plot is convoluted, but in this case it's a mess – even after the final reveal. Usually, I have fun trying to follow the many ins and outs of the plot. Not here. It just bored me to tears. Like many Gialli, Death Carries a Cane features a variety of red herrings. But most are so obvious and ridiculous that they're hard to take seriously. For example, I've never seen so many characters carrying canes or walking with limps for no other purpose than to throw suspicion their way. Death Carries a Can even includes twins. Yes, twins! What a terribly tired old plot device. It's just lazy writing. Another perfect example of the problems with the plot comes near the end. In this kind of movie, it's always easier to kill a character if they're separated from the other characters. Two times it the film's last 15 minutes, Kitty's character splits from the rest to go to the bathroom. Yes, Kitty's weak bladder becomes a plot device. How stupid is that! And there are other problems besides the plot. Gialli are known for their visual flair and interesting look. Not here. Like the plot, the cinematography can also best be described as generally uninspired. It's dull looking. Finally, if it weren't for Edwige Fenech, Susan Scott could probably be considered the Queen of the Giallo. She's so underutilized in Death Carries a Cane that it ought to have been a crime. She disappears for a large chunk of the movie. And no offense meant to the other cast members, but none are anywhere near as interesting as she is. To be fair, Death Carries a Cane does feature a few interesting murder scenes, but these are too few and far between to really save the movie. Any other positives are hard to come by. This is one Giallo I wished I'd skipped.

3/10

The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen (1966)

- Il ladro della Gioconda
Hard to watch, 15 August 2009

Before watching The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen, all I knew about the movie was based on what little I had read on the internet. I knew that it was supposed to be a period heist film made in France in the mid-60s. I knew that the film was intended to be a mix of intrigue and comedy. And, I knew that Margaret Lee was in the movie. A heist film with comedic touches and Margaret Lee - it just had to be a winner! After watching, all I can say is what a disappointment. On reviewer called the movie, "Forgettable". Well, I can't forget The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen fast enough. First, there is no real heist. Sure, the Mona Lisa is stolen, but it takes just minutes and there's no suspense surrounding the theft at all. Second, the comedy just didn't work at all for me. Maybe I'm not in tune with what was considered comedy in France in 1966. Or maybe (and this is what I suspect) it's just not funny at all. I can't remember cracking a smile the entire runtime. Finally, while I'm happy to report that Margaret Lee is in the movie, her screen-time is limited to about five minutes and her character has no real impact on the film's plot. By the time you get settled in with your popcorn, she's gone. How disappointing! Her performance and character hardly warrant being listed third in the credits. Add to what I've already written a dull screenplay, extremely distracting and annoying music, and characters I didn't care about, and it's little wonder I can't rate The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen any higher.

3/10

Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens (1964)

- Sindbad contro i sette saraceni
"You better kill me now", 11 August 2009

Okay, I admit it – I enjoyed Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens much more than I should have. I realize it's not what you'd call a good movie, but I can't help myself – I had a blast watching the movie. Much of it for the wrong reasons, but still, I found it terribly entertaining. The plot – who cares? Suffice it to say that the evil Omar (Gordon Mitchell), Ali Baba, and other warrior types do battle to determine who will be King. In today's world, it would be the equivalent of selecting our leaders based on the outcome of the most recent UFC pay-per-view event. Anyway, one of the real highlights for me is Gordon Mitchell. I've never considered him much of an actor and, while this movie doesn't change that, I did get a kick out of his performance as Omar. First, I had no idea that Mitchell could chew scenery quite like that. His constant overacting is a real hoot. And the scene where he wears that ridiculous looking turban – classic! Add to that the weird facial expressions and Mitchell could have passed for Harpo Marx. Truly bizarre! Second, I loved the way that Mitchell (and really all the characters) shouts every line of dialogue. Whether it's something that deserves to be shouted like, "I shall smite thee", or something that doesn't like, "We're having ham for dinner", these people sound like they're constantly competing to be heard above a jet engine. Again, truly bizarre! Another highlight of Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens (and this one has nothing to do with Gordon Mitchell) was the women's prison or harem room or whatever you want to call it. Real tough going in there. It looked more like backstage at an Atlantic City beauty pageant. Would these women really have had access to sequined gowns and glittery eye-shadow?

I could go on and on, but I'll end here. Honestly, I've barely scratched the surface. I haven't mentioned the dwarf named Jukki crawling through walls, the final battle scene complete with a lame chariot race, the ease Omar's men have in taking Ali Baba prisoner, the speed with which Ali Baba and Fatima (Bella Cortez - what a woman!) fall hopelessly in love with each other, the confusion over the film's title (Is it Ali Baba or Sinbad?), the whip carried by Omar's main squeeze Farida, or the ridiculous dance scene in the dungeon. Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens might not be for everyone, but I sure had fun with it.

7/10

Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon (1964)

- Ercole contro i tiranni di Babilonia
"There's a limit to the power of resistance.", 9 August 2009

When the King of Babylon died, he left the throne to his three children to rule the land equally. But, and it should come as no surprise, they all have designs on running things for themselves – making for lots of treachery and backstabbing. Their kingdom also needs a steady supply of slaves. But one of their newest slaves just happens to be the Queen of the Hellenes. Hercules gets the signal and jumps into action to rescue the Queen before her true identity can be discovered. Along the way, he'll do what he can to free the rest of the slaves and bring an end to the tyranny of Babylon.

As far as peplums go, Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon is on the down side of average. The two biggest problems are the lack of a memorable, big moment and Peter Lupus as Hercules. Most all sword and sandal movies worth their salt have one big memorable moment – it might be a fight scene against a Cyclops or a battle against a mechanical giant or it might be the destruction of an army – but there's usually a moment or scene that stands out. That's not the case with Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon. The closest you'll find here is probably the scene where Hercules turns the big wheel to bring down the walls of Babylon. But it's so ridiculous that it's hardly THE moment. I mean what city is constructed on top of a giant wheel that can be turned to bring about its destruction. It's the equivalent of building a modern city on top of an atomic bomb. It's just stupid! Besides the lack of a big moment, the rest of the screenplay is pretty dull. I'll admit that some of the scenes with the siblings scheming against each other were pretty good, but that's about it. Overall, not a lot of interesting things to hang your hat on.

As for Lupus, he makes for one very dull Hercules. He's got the body for it – tanned to perfection with the ever present sheen of oil – but like the screenplay, he's also dull. The man just didn't have the command or screen presence to pull of being the lead in a movie like this. It doesn't help matters that his version of Hercules insists on carrying a very large club that obviously weighs no more than five pounds. And the sound it makes when he goes into battle – bong, bong, bong. When I was little, I had a game called Bing, Bang, Bong. You arranged these small drum like trampolines just so and bounced a metal ball from one to the other. That's what Hercules club sounds like in Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon – a metal ball hitting a rubber trampoline. For some reason, I doubt that's what it would sound like if someone were to hit you in the skull with a huge club. (I do realize that it's a tricky thing to criticize anything related to sound in a low-budget Italin movie from the 1960s that's been dubbed. But in this case, I can't help myself.)

I've listed the negatives, so what about the positives? I can sum-up the film's biggest highlight with two words – Helga Line. She is the lone (and very beautiful) bright spot. Though I must admit that some of her outfits probably weren't right for Babylon in 1,000 B.C., but still, she looked good. She also has the best part in the plot. Her scheming is by far more interesting than that of either of her two brothers. But as much as I enjoyed seeing Ms. Line, by herself she can't save the movie. I usually enjoy even bad peplums, however, in the case of Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon, a 4/10 seems about right.

4/10

Lightning Bolt (1966)

- Operazione Goldman
Fairly standard spy stuff, 26 June 2009

Lightning Bolt doesn't come close to being what I'd call a "great" Euro-Spy film, but it's harmless enough and can be quite fun if you don't go into it expected the world. The basic plot has Harry Sennet (Anthony Eisley), our would-be hero, being sent to Cape Kennedy to investigate a series of rocket launches that have all ended in disaster. He quickly discovers that a ray of some sort coming from under the water is knocking out the rockets' guidance systems. But who's behind it and why? There are a few other surprises and twists to the plot, but it's all pretty standard stuff for a spy film.

Anthony Eisley is easily the worst thing Lightning Bolt has going for it. I found it difficult to root for him. He doesn't come across as a very good actor and is not capable of pulling off the role of the smug secret agent. Like the white socks he can be seen wearing with his suit and tie, he seems totally out of place. In fact, I probably should have just said that I didn't like a lot of the casting decisions in Lighting Bolt. Diana Lorys, normally a winner with me, is horribly miscast as spy boss Capt. Patricia Flanagan. And Folco Lulli's beer-maker turned super-villain Rether is more pathetic than terrifying. I about lost it when I saw this little fat man sitting behind his giant console in that giant room. Too funny! (Now that I'm thinking about it, that might have been what director Antonio Margheriti was going for – and ineffective looking bad guy. If so, he succeeded.) The only member of the main cast that worked for me was Wandisa Guida as Kary, the good girl turned bad girl turned good girl. What a hottie! Another thing that definitely worked for me is the whole look of the film. For example, Rether's underwater lair is awesome in its design and simplicity. It's not difficult to see where a major portion of Lightning Bolt's budget went. I've seen some complaints about Margheriti's use of miniatures. Maybe I'm showing my age, but I liked it. Sure, they're not realistic, but what is in a movie like Lightning Bolt. Riz Ortoliani's score is another highlight. It's a piece of music that fits the movie beautifully. Throw in some good action scenes, bodies frozen in a state of suspended animation, a cool gadget or two, and a group of henchmen dressed like Diabolik and you end up with a movie that I quite enjoyed despite its faults.

Finally, before I finish this, I feel compelled to write about one scene in the movie that left me scratching my head. A rocket is about to blast off from Cape Kennedy and Sennet knows it's going to be destroyed. What does he do? Does he call NASA or some other agency to notify them? No! Instead, Sennet drives his car through a fence and directly at the rocket as it takes off. What, does he have a death wish or something? Was he trying to be burned to a crisp? What did he hope to accomplish? What was his motivation? It's just one of the more puzzling scenes I've run across in a while.

6/10

Dick Smart 2.007 (1970)

Why let a little thing like the plot get in the way of this much fun?, 25 June 2009

If you're a fan of far-out Euro-Spy films from the 60s with cool sets and set-pieces, exotic locations, Margaret Lee, groovy music, and over-the-top gadgets, and if the lack of a coherent plot doesn't bother you, then Dick Smart 2.007 is a must see. Actually, I'm not sure if the plot is really all that incoherent or if the audio on my transfer was so bad that I often couldn't tell what was going on. But why let a little thing like the plot get in the way of this much fun? What I did get out of it – Lady Lister (Margaret Lee) has gathered five of the most renowned nuclear scientists in the world and stashed them in her secret, underground Brazilian lair. She has developed a means of converting coal into diamonds using a controlled nuclear explosion. She has a partner in crime, McDiamond, who sees other possibilities for Lady Lister's discovery. The CIA (at least I think it was the CIA) hires part-time super-spy Dick Smart (Richard Wyler) to put a stop to their plans.

I'm still relatively new to the whole Euro-Spy scene, but what I'm quickly discovering is that Margaret Lee is to these movies what Edwige Fenech is to the Giallo (a genre I'm much more familiar with). Any Euro-Spy movie is better simply because Margaret Lee is in it. Unfortunately, in too many of these movies she's little more than eye-candy with nothing much to do. That's not the case here. In Dick Smart 2.007, she's on equal footing with her male co-star. Speaking of her male co-star, Richard Wyler is adequate – not spectacular – just adequate. The rest of the cast was okay with me. Good pace, good action, and a lot of those quirky moments that I just love. I mean how can you not just love a spy movie with a motorcycle that transforms into a little helicopter or a submarine at the push of a button? Unlike some of the other Euro-Spy movies I've seen recently, Dick Smart 2.007 seems to have had a larger budget than normal as evidenced by the bad guy's cool underground secret base and the wonderful travelogue type shots of Brazil. Mario Nascimbene's music is another real highlight. I dare anyone to watch Dick Smart 2.007 and not be humming the music afterward. Finally, I realize these movies might not be for anyone, but I find them incredibly entertaining – bad dubbing and all. A solid 7/10 from me.

7/10

Special Mission Lady Chaplin (1966)

- Missione speciale Lady Chaplin
I hate that they only made three of these movies, 23 June 2009

Special Mission Lady Chaplin is the third and final installment in the Agent 077 Dick Malloy series. I realize it's a matter of opinion, but they might just have saved the best for last. In this one, Dick Malloy (Ken Clark) is searching for 16 nuclear warheads taken from a downed submarine. Suspicion immediately falls on underwater salvager and mega-rich Kobre Zoltan (Jacques Bergerac). And these suspicions are soon proved true as he tries to sell the bombs to the highest bidder. Working with Zoltan is his right hand woman, Lady Chaplin (Daniela Bianchi). She's a world renowned fashion designer, a master of disguise, and a heartless assassin. Can Malloy lure Lady Chaplin over to his side in his effort to find the missiles?

Whether this is your favorite of the series or not, one thing seems clear, this is the most James Bond-ish movie of the bunch. From the music to the wonderful villain to the presence of Daniela Bianchi to the whole feel of the film – it all screams James Bond. It's not hard to picture Sean Connery fighting the man with the steal hook or coming out of the water with a grenade launching spear gun or romancing Lady Chaplin. Bond would have been right at home. Even the plot should seem familiar to Bond fans. It's basically yet another version of Thunderball.

While it's difficult to compare a movie like Special Mission Lady Chaplin to a James Bond film because of budgetary considerations, that doesn't keep this movie from being a lot of fun. Once again, Ken Clark is outstanding. By this, the third film he played Malloy, he'd really made the character his own. Jacques Bergerac makes for a great super villain. He's cocky, sure of himself, and ruthless - everything you want in a bad guy. As is usual in this kind of movie, Daniela Bianchi is terrific. And, she looked to be having a wonderful time in her role. The movie is well paced with very few dull spots to slow things down. Lots of good fight scenes, spy gadgets, and groovy clothes are other highlights of Special Mission Lady Chaplin. The exotic locations add a lot to the overall feel of the film. I've already mentioned the music, but I'll do so again. Bruno Nicolai's score is rock solid. That theme music will definitely get stuck in your head. Anyway you look at it, this one's a keeper. If I've got one complaint it would be the poor quality of the dubbing. It really distracts from things.

8/10

From the Orient with Fury (1965)

- Agente 077 dall'oriente con furore
Not as good as the first in the series, but still entertaining, 22 June 2009

From the Orient with Fury (or one of the other half dozen names this movie goes by) is Ken Clark's second outing as Dick Malloy, Agent 077. While I didn't enjoy it as much as the first in the series, Mission Bloody Mary, it's still a fun movie and definitely worth checking out if you're a fan of Euro-Spy films. In this one, Malloy is searching for a kidnapped scientist who has developed a beta ray that will instantaneously dissolve all metal. Along the way he runs into a pack of baddies intent on stopping him, Russian spies, and enough beautiful women to make even James Bond envious. I'll be honest - the plot doesn't really matter much. There were times as I was watching From the Orient with Fury when I couldn't remember what Malloy's ultimate mission was. But I still was having fun, so who cares. Ken Clark has an easy going air about him that makes him great to watch. I'm really starting to enjoy his work. He's joined in the cast by one of my new Euro favorites, Margaret Lee, Evi Marandi, and the ever-present Franco Ressel. It seems sometimes that I run into Ressel in just about every Italian movie I watch. Terrific location shots from Paris to Madrid to Istanbul add to the overall feel of the film. If I had to point to one weakness that keeps me from rating From the Orient with Fury as high as its predecessor it would be the repetitive nature of some of the fight scenes. I think Malloy runs into and fights the same four or five henchmen at least a eight or nine times. It does tend to get a bit old. Otherwise, I've got few real complaints. I'll give this one a 6/10 upon my initial viewing.

6/10

She Beast (1966)

- La sorella di Satana
Too little Barbara Steele and too much comedy that doesn't work, 21 June 2009

Is there anyone more deserving of the title Queen of Gothic Horror than Barbara Steele? Most of her films are brilliant. From Mario Bava's masterpiece Black Sunday all the way to some of her lesser work like The Ghost or Terror Creatures from the Grave, I've enjoyed each and every one of these movies. The same, however, cannot be said for The She-Beast. What a disappointing disaster of a movie! I admit, it probably has something to do with my expectations for the film, but I found very little to enjoy in what I saw on the screen. The basic set-up was okay, if not a bit familiar to fans of Gothic horror – two centuries ago in a small Transylvanian village, a witch vows to one day get her revenge as she's being put to death in a local lake. When a vacationing couple crashes into the lake, the beautiful wife somehow morphs into the body of the hideous, long-dead witch and begins making good on her 200 year-old threat. See what I mean – a good Gothic horror set-up. But things quickly begin falling apart. I'll keep this brief, but my problem with The She-Beast is too little Barbara Steele and too much ridiculous comedy. First, Ms. Steele is only in the film for about 15 minutes. She may have top billing, but it's obviously for her name alone. Second and my biggest complaint, I was totally put off by the Keystone Kops-like, over-the-top and not funny in the slightest comedy bits that are thrown into The She-Beast. From goofy, eccentric characters to a ludicrous chase scene – it all feels like it belongs in another movie. And, as I said, it's not funny. As much as I hate to give anything with Barbara Steele a low rating, The She-Beast is a disappointing film that deserves no more than a 3/10.

3/10

Goliath and the Dragon (1960)

- La vendetta di Ercole
A good opening, a good ending, but dull in between, 19 June 2009

For a sword and sandal movie, Goliath and the Dragon has about the most convoluted and ridiculously hard to follow plot that I can remember. It was kind of like watching two or more different movies at the same time where the pieces just never seem to fit into a cohesive whole. Based on what I did get out of it, King Eurystheus (Broderick Crawford) has it out for Goliath. He kidnaps Goliath's brother Illus and, when that doesn't work, he kidnaps Goliath's wife. King Eurystheus also has the hots for a babe about a third his age who just happens to be in love with Illus. To win her over, King Eurystheus takes the reasoned approach of having her imprisoned as well. In the meantime, Goliath is off doing battle with a three-headed dog, a giant flying bat creature, a wife-snatching centaur, and a dragon that can't seem to decide whether it's a stop-motion creature or a big, goofy looking puppet. In the end, Goliath literally brings down the walls of King Eurystheus' fortress and, with the help of an army from Thebes, saves the day.

Overall, Goliath and the Dragon is a real mixed bag – hence my very average 5/10 rating. There's a lot about the movie I enjoyed. The beyond cheesy fight scenes with the various creatures I mentioned is an obvious place to start. These scenes are just plain old fun. I also enjoyed the scenes of prisoners being crushed by a trained elephant. You don't see stuff like that everyday. Watching Goliath tackle the elephant was a hoot. But when Goliath and the Dragon is bad, it's real bad. Some of the acting is painful. Mark Forest, the requisite body in this sword and sandal epic, is about as wooden as you'll find in one of these movies. He moves in a very unnatural manner that looked odd to me for lack of a better word. And what's Broderick Crawford doing in this movie? He's so out of place I often felt embarrassed for him. Another big negative for me is how deathly dull much of the movie is. When Goliath's not fighting some creature, the movie can be terribly sleep inducing. Too many unnecessarily confusing plot points, too many characters I didn't know or care about, and too many scenes with nothing going on – not the sign of a what I'd call a good movie. Like I said, Goliath and the Dragon is a real mixed bag.

5/10

Mission Bloody Mary (1965)

- Agente 077 missione Bloody Mary
Nice Euro-Spy Fun, 19 June 2009

I'm relatively new to the whole Euro-Spy movie scene and, as a result, I may have misjudged some movies in the past (i.e. I may have to go back and re-do some user comments). I've been looking at these movies as poor James Bond imitations that could never possibly live up to the real thing. But you know, I've come to realize there is a certain charm to be found in many of these movies. The Euro-Spy movies I've seen so far generally feature plenty of fight scenes, car chases, handsome leading men, beautiful women, often breathtaking locations, interesting villains, catchy music, and some real creative and original ideas. These movies were most often made on shoestring budgets with tight shooting schedules and fuzzy plots and very often featuring actors that no one would call Oscar caliber. But the most important thing about Euro-Spy movies that I've come to realize is what an absolute blast many of them are. This has got to be the most fun and entertaining overlooked genre of films out there.

On to the movie at hand – Mission Bloody Mary. I've seen some Euro-Spy movies that I enjoyed more, but this is a good one. Ken Clark plays CIA Agent Dick Malloy. He's a no nonsense kind of agent who uses his fists with the best of them. In Mission Bloody Mary, Malloy is hot on the trail of a stolen nuclear device. But he's not alone. It seems that every one from the Chinese to the Russians to a mysterious character known only as the Black Lily is also after the device. Complicating matters (or at least making things more interesting) is Malloy's would-be partner Elsa Freeman (Helga Line). Malloy spends a good part of the movie and a good deal of energy trying to determine just which side she's on – his or theirs.

Mission Bloody Mary may not be as over-the-top as other Euro-Spy movies, but it's still very entertaining. Clark makes an excellent lead. He's a rough and tumble kind of guy with a winning smile and a good screen presence. Like a lot of these Euro movies from the 60s, the biggest downside of Clark's character comes from the spotty dubbing. Any movie with Helga Line is better just because she's in it. Mission Bloody Mary may be one of my more favorite performances I've seen from her. The plot is solid and never gets in the way of the action. The movie moves at a good pace with very few dull spots. My biggest complaint is the Black Lily. The actual menace provided by this master criminal is disappointing to say the least. The budget was obviously tight on the film but Sergio Grieco does the best with what he's got. One of the "special effects" I really got a kick out of is the nuclear device itself. It reminds me of a 1950s era chrome juicer that kind of wiggles every time the case it's in is opened. It's silly looking alright, but for me it only adds to the movie's charm I mentioned previously.

Overall, I'd call Mission Bloody Mary a solid, fun movie. I've got very few reservations in my 7/10 rating.

7/10

Operation Double 007 (1967)

Entertaining Euro-spy thriller with James Bond's little brother, 12 June 2009

If you're a fan of the Euro-spy movies made in the 60s, how can you not just love Operation Double 007? Using the success of James Bond as a model, those crazy Italians certainly made some crazy spy movies. This one stars Sean Connery's brother, Neil Connery (who plays a character cleverly named Neil Connery) as a plastic surgeon / hypnotist / lip reader. With tongue firmly in cheek, we also learn that Neil is the brother of a famous spy and, as his brother is unavailable, the government wants Neil to stand in and give them a hand. Before you can say Dr. No, Neil's up to his neck in beautiful women, a super-villain with a nuclear device, the obligatory henchmen, archers on horse back, gun fights, car chases, blind Arab rug-weavers, can-can dancers, explosions, underground lairs, and a Japanese woman kidnapped by the world's most vicious nun/nurse. Don't worry, it all makes sense in the end (well, sort of anyway). Besides, if there's a loose end here or there, who cares when you're having this much fun.

Joining Connery in the cast is a plethora of Bond vets including Daniela Bianchi, Adolfo Celi, Bernard Lee, and Lois Maxwell. It's a real treat to see them all in a different setting. In particular, it's great to see Lois Maxwell out from behind that desk she always sat at in the Bond movies. Here, she's not only gets out in the field, but she gets the chance to mow down baddies with a machine gun as well. Celi, always the bad guy in a movie like this, looks like he's having the time of his life. There's at least one scene where it's not hard to notice a small smile come to his face and you've got to wonder how close he came to losing it. But as much as I enjoyed both of these fine actors, I was particularly impressed with the work of Daniela Bianchi from From Russia with Love fame. In Operation Double 007, she gets to play both the good and bad girl, wear some over-the-top outfits, and look generally fabulous. It's a shame she didn't go on to do more after this movie. She had a definite screen presence about her.

There are some out there who want to label Operation Double 007 a "James Bond rip-off". It's not a rip-off, it's a parody – and a good one at that. Operation Double 007 was released the same year as the more famous Bond parody Casino Royale. The big difference is that Casino Royale is one big, bloated mess of a movie that's rarely funny. Operation Double 007, on the other hand, is a blast. In fact, and this may be blasphemous to some, but it's more fun than about half of the Bond movies. It's too bad it's never had a proper R1 DVD release so that more people might discover this movie. The only way I've seen the movie is courtesy of a DVD-R of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode on which it appeared. It's a great episode, but I would love to see a good release without the bots and their comments.

7/10

The Scorpion with Two Tails (1982)

- Assassinio al cimitero etrusco
Martino's worst Giallo, 7 June 2009

He may not be quite as well known among casual fans of Italian genre films as the names Bava or Argento, but Sergio Martino is responsible for some of the absolute best Gialli ever made. His earlier, frequent collaborations with Edwige Fenech are almost legendary and produced some of the best films this genre has to offer. Movies like The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, All the Colors of the Dark, and Your Vice is a Locked Door and Only I Have the Key are all among my favorites. Unfortunately, Scorpion with Two Tails does not come close to measuring up to Martino's previous successes. There are any number of problems I had with the film, but chief among them is that it's about as dull as any Giallo I can remember seeing. A plot involving an Etruscan Cemetery, a missing shipment of heroin, bad guys trying to find both, and a beautiful young woman with visions of Etruscan ceremonies – it just never drew me in the way Martino's other films have. Also, I never really cared for any of the characters. Elvire Audray plays the role usually played by Edwige Fenech in one of Martino's movies (she almost resembles a blond Edwige). But to be blunt, Elvire Audray is no Edwige Fenech. She has none of Edwige's screen presence or charisma. Genre legend John Saxon is on hand, but his role is so small that it really added nothing to the film. Saxon was most likely hired to put a "name" on the cast list. And when the killer was revealed, it had no effect on me at all. I didn't care enough about any of the characters to even care who the killer was. Also, I'm not a big fan of supernatural elements being thrown into a Giallo. These movies should be all about black gloved killers, stalking their human prey for greed, money, or jealousy. The risen spirit of an ancient Etruscan just doesn't feel right. As much as I hate to give a Martino Giallo such a low rating, I don't have a choice in this case. Scorpioin with Two Tails really doesn't deserve much more than a 3/10.

3/10