Quest of the Delta Knights (1993)

One big old dog of a movie, 20 November 2008

Plot (and I'll keep this brief – no point in dragging it out): Quest of the Delta Knights is the story of a boy, sold into slavery, who becomes the leader of a revolutionary group out to stop the evil Lord Vultare from discovering Archimedes lost storehouse and the knowledge it contains. This knowledge includes a weapon of unlimited power.

My plot description almost makes Quest of the Delta Knights sound good. Unfortunately, Quest of the Delta Knights is one big old dog of a movie. Nothing in the movie makes sense. It's a mish-mash of ideas and characters that don't go together. Imageine every sort of pre-16th Century character you can think of and you're bound to find them fighting and living beside each other in this movie. Viking, knights, Italian scholars – it doesn't matter. Also, I've seen this movie several times and I'm not quite sure where it's supposed to be set. Someone mentions England, but there are Viking roaming around. With Leonardo Di Vinci as a character, you might think Italy. Again, how do you explain the Vikings? How about Atlantis? It's anyone's guess. And because the whole thing looks like its straight out a Renaissance festival, maybe the setting is supposed to be California? Makes as much sense as anything else you'll find in the movie. This is just one small example of the numerous inconsistencies and annoyances you'll find in Quest of the Delta Knights. Believe me, there are plenty more.

Watching Quest of the Delta Knights, I decided that some people will do just about anything if the price is right. Apparently the producers of this turkey offered David Warner enough money that he was willing to embarrass himself by taking on not one, but two roles. How much money does it take for an actor to agree to star in something like this? Many watchers would also recognize Richard Kind in the role of wise man/Magi Wamthool. But the casting of Kind has to be one of the most puzzling in movie history. I realize they were going for comic relief but they failed miserably. Kind may even have embarrassed himself more than Warner in his mercifully brief performance.

I could go on and on, but really there's no point. My opinion of Quest of the Delta Knights should already be painfully obvious. If not, I'll spell it out for you – it's an incredibly bad movie with one ridiculous set-piece after the next. There are few, if any, redeeming moments to be found. I must admit, however, that my experiences with Quest of the Delta Knights have been softened by watching the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of the movie. The MST3K guys make it a barrel of laughs. So, while I rate the movie a miserable 2/10, I'll give it a 4/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

2/10

The Heroic Trio (1993)

- Dung fong saam hap
Mixes elements of fantasy in places I hadn't expected, 14 March 2008

Trying to come up with a pithy plot description for something like The Heroic Trio is all but impossible. The plot simply cannot be explained in a few short sentences. So I'll go with a very general plot description realizing I'm leaving a lot out – An evil demon is kidnapping male babies in hopes of finding the next Emperor of China. He hopes to use that baby to help him take over the world. Three competing female super heroes must put aside their differences and work together to defeat the demon.

The Heroic Trio is like a comic book come to life. It has an almost dreamlike feel to much of it mixing elements of fantasy in places I hadn't expected. In fact, I was shocked to discover it's probably more fantasy than martial arts. It's quite an unusual narrative style that, as a Westerner, I'm not overly familiar with. Fortunately, I was able to just go with it and enjoy it. It's not too difficult though as director Johnny To filled The Heroic Trio with some amazing images. The flying motorcycle at the train station, the first descent into the underworld, and Michelle Yeoh's dance with the demon are incredibly unique and memorable. Visually, the movie is stunning.

All three of the lead actresses – Michelle Yeoh, Anita Mui, and Maggie Cheung – are perfect in their roles. At first I was tempted to single Yeoh out for praise, but realized that may have had more to do with my familiarity with her than anything else. All three are outstanding and deserve to be mentioned together.

I'm far from a marital arts expert, but I found the fight scenes, though disappointingly too brief, flawlessly choreographed. Other than the finale, one of my favorites featured Maggie Cheung and an automatic weapon facing off against four hooded assassins. Cool stuff!

There are a few things that could have been different that would have made me enjoy The Heroic Trio even more. It seemed to me that the action and momentum of the movie was broken up far too often by scenes of schmaltzy sentimentality. And what was with the music? I understand the music won some awards, but it's hardly what I would have picked. I suppose that my complaints could be due to my Western sensibilities more than anything. As it is, I found The Heroic Trio an interesting and entertaining experience.

7/10

The Dead Talk Back (1993)

A lost film that should have stayed lost, 22 July 2006

It's almost impossible to find out anything about The Dead Talk Back. It was made in 1956 or 1957 (depending on which sources you're look at) and immediately shelved. As far as I can tell, it was never shown anywhere. I'm assuming that sometime around 1993, Sinister Cinema found the film and somehow procured the rights to it and released it on video. I assume 1993 because that's the year listed on IMDb for the movies release. Somehow The Dead Talk Back came to the attention of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was included on their Season 6 schedule. That's about it as far as the story behind The Dead Talk Back. If it weren't for MST3K, I doubt this thing would have more than 5 votes on IMDb.

As for the movie, it's mind-numbingly awful. It's dull, uneventful, and a total waste of time. The acting ranges from over-the-top to, well, no acting at all. The special effects look like they came from a 1950s Radio Shack equivalent clearance sale. The plot attempts to include elements of horror, drama, mystery, science fiction, and every other genre you can name and fails miserably at each. There's so little entertainment value in The Dead Talk Back that the MST3K crew seemed to have trouble with it. They just didn't seem as "inspired" and, as a result, this is one of the weaker episodes of MST3K I've seen.

1/10

The Washing Machine (1993)

- Vortice mortale
With a name like The Washing Machine, I had no idea what to expect., 2 May 2006

In this latter day Giallo, Police Inspector Alexander Stracev is called to the home of three sisters to investigate a crime. One of the sisters claims to have found the mutilated body of a pimp named Yuri in her washing machine. When Inspector Stracev arrives, he finds no body and no sign of there having ever been a body. But the more he investigates, the more enthralled he becomes by each of the three sisters as they take turns trying to seduce him, tempting him with information about what happened to Yuri and accusing each other of responsibility for Yuri's disappearance. Inspector Stracev is not sure what he's on to, but he can't get away from it. The sisters keep drawing him in deeper and deeper.

With a name like The Washing Machine, I had no idea what to expect. What I found was an entertaining Euro-thriller that exceeded my somewhat guarded expectations. Director Ruggero Deodato (better known for his cannibal films) has created a very stylish (as stylish as Budapest, circa 1993, can be), quick moving and entertaining film that kept my interest from the opening scenes. The pacing is nice and I enjoyed the way Deodato allowed the plot to unfold in bits and pieces during several erotically charged moments. The mystery elements kept me guessing until the very end. There were questions I couldn't wait to be answered - Was there really a body in the washing machine? Are the three sisters as completely mad as they seem? Or, are these women using the Inspector as part of some sort of elaborate game? It's all very nicely done.

7/10