She (1965)

She Who Bored Me, 7 September 2009

She is set in Palestine circa 1918. British archaeologist Holly (Peter Cushing) and his two buddies are given a map to the lost city of Kuma. After a long and arduous journey, they discover Kuma and meet a mysterious, beautiful woman known only as She Who Must Be Obeyed. She has been alive for 2,000 years, waiting for the return of her true love. She believes that Holly's pal, Leo, is her long lost love. Her plan is to have Leo jump through the flame of eternal life so that the two can be together forever.

I really thought I was going to like this one, but it's just too blankety-blank-blank dull for my liking. The movie has it's moments, but overall it's about as exciting as watching grass grow or paint dry or any other old cliché you can think of to describe something this wretchedly uninteresting. I suppose that the last act is reasonably entertaining, but the rest is a chore to sit through. Take that "exciting" trek across the desert for example. Wow – there are more thrills in watching snails race. Top-billed Ursula Andress may have been a beautiful woman, but she exhibits no screen presence and even less acting ability. I was much more impressed with the servant girl Ustane played by Rosenda Monteros. That's who Leo should have jumped through the fire with. Cushing is Cushing – always the professional and always watchable. I'll also admit that I did get a few chuckles out of the very British and very proper valet Job (Bernard Cribbins). Speaking of chuckles, what was up with Christopher Lee and his increasingly ludicrous head-wear? By the end of the film, how could you not laugh at the pineapple looking headpiece he was wearing? The film's score didn't help matters much at all. Its monotony only serves to add a sense of lethargy to She – something the movie really doesn't need. Finally, I know Hammer often did wonders with small budgets and I'm usually willing to overlook some of these budget related weaknesses, but She has some terribly atrocious looking matte paintings. My son could have done better with a box of 64 Crayolas. Overall, I much prefer the 1935 version of She with Randolph Scott. It's not perfect, but it's not as dull as this one. A 4/10 from me.

4/10

Prisoners of the Lost Universe (1983)

John Saxon as MC Hammer, 27 May 2009

Prisoners of the Lost Universe is a remarkably underwhelming fantasy/adventure film that offer very little in the way of thrills or excitement. A brief plot synopsis: A couple is accidentally transmitted to an alternate reality and quickly become separated. The woman, Carrie (Kay Lenz), has been taken prisoner by a vicious warlord named Kleel (John Saxon). Her new beau, Dan (Richard Hatch), with the help of a ragtag band of misfits, sets out to free Carrie and find a way home.

I'm not sure how many South African made movies I've actually seen so I can only hope that this isn't an example of that country's film industry. Prisoners of the Lost Universe plays a bit like a cross between one of those cheap sword and sorcerer movies so popular in the 1980s and something like Romancing the Stone with a bit of cross-dimensional time-travel thrown in for good measure. None of it works, mainly because the whole plot is terribly tired and has that "been there, done that" feel to most of it. The quirky characters that pop-up throughout the movie aren't interesting enough to care about. And the relationship between the two main characters, Carrie and Dan, is handled in such a ham-fisted and forced manner that it provides nothing in the way of a spark for the movie. The relationship between the two main characters exists only because in these kinds of movies there is always a relationship between the two main characters. The lone bright spot for me was John Saxon. His over-acting in every scene, even when doing nothing but lying on a bed, was a joy to behold. However, I could have done without the orange MC Hammer-inspired pants he wore during much of the movie. In the end, this one's a real dud. A 3/10 from me.

One last note - I knew I was in trouble right from the start when I noticed that both of the vehicles the main characters were driving had right side steering wheels. This wouldn't be so unusual, but they were supposed to be in California.

3/10

Wizards of the Demon Sword (1991)

Bad, Bad, Bad, 21 March 2009

It's been awhile since I last posted one of these user comments - and what a winner I've returned with. Wizards of the Demon Sword was made during a period rife with extremely bad sword and sorcerer movies, yet it has the dubious distinction of being about the worst I've thus far run across. It didn't take long for me to realize just how much I was going to dislike the movie. As soon as the film's supposed hero appeared on-screen, I found myself instantly and negatively comparing him to the hero of another putrid sword and sorcerer movie, Deathstalker II. And any comparison with that jackass is definitely not a good thing. Antoher big problem is the plot. Wizard of the Demon Sword's plot isn't worth devoting a minute of time or an ounce of effort to. It's a mish-mash of recycled ideas that any fan of this genre will have seen dozens of times - and usually done much better. In fact, nothing in the movie is worth devoting much time and effort to. So I'll wrap this up with by saying that the tired plot, the poor acting, the non-existent special effects, the dull screenplay, and the lousy direction make Wizards of the Demon Sword a poor excuse of a movie that offers nothing in the way of entertainment. A 1/10 is almost overstating it. In the end, I was left asking myself what in the world Russ Tamblyn, Lawrence Tierney, and even Michael Berryman were doing in a stinker like this.

1/10

Cave Dwellers (1984)

- Ator l'invincibile 2
I never knew Miles O'Keeffe was from Tennessee?, 5 December 2008

Another in the long line of Conan wannabes that tired to cash in on that movie's success, this Italian monstrosity is about as bad as they came. You know it's a bad sign when your heroes fight invisible enemies because the movie was made so cheaply there wasn't money for either adequate special effects or to hire real people. I won't even bother going into the plot as I defy anyone to follow it and make sense of the storyline. Maybe it's the television cut I watched, but I can't imagine any version being that much better. It all seems so random to me. Evil sorcerers, cavemen, giant snakes, medieval castles, grenades, and hang gliding – none of it fits together. It's as if director Joe D'Amato had an epileptic fit while making Cave Dwellers (or any of the other half-dozen names the movie goes by) and threw everything he could think of onto the screen regardless of how unrelated it was or how it fit into the film's already puzzling plot. The acting is sufficiently bad. Miles O'Keeffe could never act his way out of a wet paper bag and he proves that once again in this movie. The rest of the cast is equally atrocious. Then there's the . . . well, you get the idea. It's late, I'm tired, and I've already wasted more than enough time writing about this piece of garbage. Take my word for it – avoid Cave Dwellers (or whatever you want to call it) at all costs.

2/10

Quest of the Delta Knights (1993)

One big old dog of a movie, 20 November 2008

Plot (and I'll keep this brief – no point in dragging it out): Quest of the Delta Knights is the story of a boy, sold into slavery, who becomes the leader of a revolutionary group out to stop the evil Lord Vultare from discovering Archimedes lost storehouse and the knowledge it contains. This knowledge includes a weapon of unlimited power.

My plot description almost makes Quest of the Delta Knights sound good. Unfortunately, Quest of the Delta Knights is one big old dog of a movie. Nothing in the movie makes sense. It's a mish-mash of ideas and characters that don't go together. Imageine every sort of pre-16th Century character you can think of and you're bound to find them fighting and living beside each other in this movie. Viking, knights, Italian scholars – it doesn't matter. Also, I've seen this movie several times and I'm not quite sure where it's supposed to be set. Someone mentions England, but there are Viking roaming around. With Leonardo Di Vinci as a character, you might think Italy. Again, how do you explain the Vikings? How about Atlantis? It's anyone's guess. And because the whole thing looks like its straight out a Renaissance festival, maybe the setting is supposed to be California? Makes as much sense as anything else you'll find in the movie. This is just one small example of the numerous inconsistencies and annoyances you'll find in Quest of the Delta Knights. Believe me, there are plenty more.

Watching Quest of the Delta Knights, I decided that some people will do just about anything if the price is right. Apparently the producers of this turkey offered David Warner enough money that he was willing to embarrass himself by taking on not one, but two roles. How much money does it take for an actor to agree to star in something like this? Many watchers would also recognize Richard Kind in the role of wise man/Magi Wamthool. But the casting of Kind has to be one of the most puzzling in movie history. I realize they were going for comic relief but they failed miserably. Kind may even have embarrassed himself more than Warner in his mercifully brief performance.

I could go on and on, but really there's no point. My opinion of Quest of the Delta Knights should already be painfully obvious. If not, I'll spell it out for you – it's an incredibly bad movie with one ridiculous set-piece after the next. There are few, if any, redeeming moments to be found. I must admit, however, that my experiences with Quest of the Delta Knights have been softened by watching the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of the movie. The MST3K guys make it a barrel of laughs. So, while I rate the movie a miserable 2/10, I'll give it a 4/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

2/10

Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back (1992)

"What an awesomely disgusting sight!", 2 August 2008

Move along people! Nothing to see here!

And I mean that…quite literally. Unless you're some sort of dyed in the wool Lana Clarkson fan, I sincerely doubt you'll find a whole lot about Barbarian Queen II to enjoy. Other than a couple scenes where Lana gets topless (one, where she mud wrestles for the leadership of the rebel force and, two, where she's tied to the rack) you can safely fast forward through the magical hokum, the poorly done fight scenes, and the failed attempts at acting on the part of the entire cast without missing anything. Add to that a plot that's not worth mentioning (so I won't), awkwardly choreographed action sequences, and a complete lack of anything remotely entertaining. In fact, I can't think of a single redeeming feature of Barbarian Queen II.

Overall, 30 or so seconds of a topless Lana Clarkson vs. wasting 80 minutes of your life – not a very good ratio if you ask me.

1/10

When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970)

"Akita!", 1 August 2008

I may be the only person alive who has seen both One Million Years B.C. and When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth that actually prefers the sequel to the original. Not that either is something I would recommend very highly, but at least there's a sense of goofiness about When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth that's not present in the overly serious Raquel Welch film. When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth also features a bevy of scantily clad cave women (could Victori Vetri fill out a bikini or what?), stop-motion dinosaurs that almost outdo the ones from Harryhausen, and a few nice action sequences. Based on my rating there's obviously a flip-side. The negatives for me include too much dialogue (in a made-up language no less that's completely impossible to follow), an overly involved plot (at least overly involved given the lack of language), and too much caveman butt. The language business actually had me laughing a couple of times. Apparently neither the cavemen nor the screenwriters could agree on what certain words meant. "Akita" appears to have meant anything from let's go over there to I really like you to your ham sandwich is ready! Unintentionally, it's hysterical (and distracting).

In the end, I can't in good conscious rate When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth any better than a 6/10 – not the best movie in the world but worth seeking out if you're a fan of either this kind of dinosaur movie or a Hammer completist.

6/10

Enchanted (2007)

"The steel beast is dead peasants! I've set you all free!", 6 April 2008

I'll make this quick as Enchanted has already been discussed to death on IMDb. And quite honestly, I've got nothing much new to add. But I did want to post a comment and add my voice to those praising this movie. I am absolute stunned at how much I enjoyed Enchanted. It's just that – enchanting. And it may be the best thing Disney (without Pixar) has done in years. I love the way Disney uses Enchanted to poke fun at itself – something that quite honestly I didn't thing they would ever do. The song in the park is an incredibly inspired moment that works on two levels – one as an entertaining throw back to a time when musicals were acceptable forms of entertainment – and two as a spoof of all of those musicals. Finally, the casting couldn't have been better. I didn't know who Amy Adams was before I watched Enchanted, but she is awesome and plays the part of a Disney princess to perfection. It's just a fantastic movie!

8/10

Hundra (1983)

Morricone's score almost makes the movie worthwhile, 24 March 2008

In the past few weeks, I've watched a number of movies with Amazon-style man-hating tribes who only seek the company of men for the purposes of procreation. In this one, the Amazons are wiped out by a band of men. Wiped out, that is, except for a hunter/warrior named Hundra (Laurene Landon) who vows to get even for the slaughter of her sisters. It's also up to Hundra to repopulate her tribe if it is to survive. But to do so, Hundra will need the help of the very same men she seeks for revenge.

Based on my rating, it should be obvious that I have some real problems with Hundra. Tops on that list would be the film's terribly mixed message. The movie tries to incorporate a lot of pseudo-feminist mumbo-jumbo into its plot with little success. It's all for show. You see the film is terribly hypocritical. On the one hand, the film seems to be trying to explore the empowerment of women - but at the same time the film exploits the very same women it purports to empower. The filmmakers seem to be trying to have their cake and eat it to (Is that cliché enough for ya?). Getting past the film's mixed message, Hundra is, for the most part, a poorly made, badly paced, and horribly acting movie. You would think that a plot involving this much bloodshed and sex would hold a little more interest. I, however, found myself nodding off several times throughout the movie. Dull and uninteresting doesn't begin to describe it. The version I saw clocked in at about 1:45 – or about 30 minutes longer than it should have. As for the film's lead Laurene Landon, she's honestly one of the worst actresses I've seen in a while. Her delivery is so unnatural that it's distracting. Finally, the fight choreography is abysmal. Between Landon's unconvincing movements and the lack of any creativity in the fights, these scenes seem to drag on forever. And it doesn't help that the longest fight during Hundra's climax was shown in slow-motion.

Before I end this, I feel I should mention one very obvious highlight of Hundra – Ennio Morricone's score. It far exceeds anything else in the movie. It might not be Morricone's best, but it's certainly memorable. There's one particular piece of music played during the film's final fight scene that almost makes the movie worthwhile. It's that good.

3/10

Alien from L.A. (1988)

Kathy Ireland - The Frump, 19 March 2008

While I can't find fault with Kathy Ireland's decision to branch out of swimsuit modeling to get into acting, but is Alien from L.A. really the best she could come up with for her first movie? What better way to begin a career than to star in a movie that's a cheesy sort of Alice in Wonderland meets the Road Warrior with a twist of Bob Fosse for good measure? And to top it off, why not take one of the world's most beautiful women and give her the most annoying voice imaginable? She sounds like what you might expect if you fed helium to Mickey Mouse. I can't think of a better way to kick off an acting career!

Alien form L.A. also features what I consider to be one of the stupidest, lamest, and most infuriating movie clichés ever dreamed up. How can losing your glasses and changing your clothes so completely change one's personality? Movies like Alien from L.A. would have you believe that you can go from mousy frump to supermodel with a new outfit. They don't get it – it's not about the clothes – it's about an attitude. You can't change your persona like you do your socks.

Despite its numerous problems, there's still some fun to be had with Alien from L.A. If you're a fan of the thick, gooey 80s-style cheese, you'll find a heaping helping in this movie. From the Flock of Seagulls look of several of the characters to the synthed-up soundtrack – it's the 80s at its best (or worst as the case may be). As an added bonus, the movie features a healthy dose of campy humor that works if you take it the right way. I think too many people go into this movie expecting something quite different from what it is. They take the movie far more serious than it was ever intended to be. It's not perfect, but parts can be fun.

5/10

The Heroic Trio (1993)

- Dung fong saam hap
Mixes elements of fantasy in places I hadn't expected, 14 March 2008

Trying to come up with a pithy plot description for something like The Heroic Trio is all but impossible. The plot simply cannot be explained in a few short sentences. So I'll go with a very general plot description realizing I'm leaving a lot out – An evil demon is kidnapping male babies in hopes of finding the next Emperor of China. He hopes to use that baby to help him take over the world. Three competing female super heroes must put aside their differences and work together to defeat the demon.

The Heroic Trio is like a comic book come to life. It has an almost dreamlike feel to much of it mixing elements of fantasy in places I hadn't expected. In fact, I was shocked to discover it's probably more fantasy than martial arts. It's quite an unusual narrative style that, as a Westerner, I'm not overly familiar with. Fortunately, I was able to just go with it and enjoy it. It's not too difficult though as director Johnny To filled The Heroic Trio with some amazing images. The flying motorcycle at the train station, the first descent into the underworld, and Michelle Yeoh's dance with the demon are incredibly unique and memorable. Visually, the movie is stunning.

All three of the lead actresses – Michelle Yeoh, Anita Mui, and Maggie Cheung – are perfect in their roles. At first I was tempted to single Yeoh out for praise, but realized that may have had more to do with my familiarity with her than anything else. All three are outstanding and deserve to be mentioned together.

I'm far from a marital arts expert, but I found the fight scenes, though disappointingly too brief, flawlessly choreographed. Other than the finale, one of my favorites featured Maggie Cheung and an automatic weapon facing off against four hooded assassins. Cool stuff!

There are a few things that could have been different that would have made me enjoy The Heroic Trio even more. It seemed to me that the action and momentum of the movie was broken up far too often by scenes of schmaltzy sentimentality. And what was with the music? I understand the music won some awards, but it's hardly what I would have picked. I suppose that my complaints could be due to my Western sensibilities more than anything. As it is, I found The Heroic Trio an interesting and entertaining experience.

7/10

Battle of the Amazons (1973)

- Le amazzoni - donne d'amore e di guerra
I think it was filmed through a layer of mud, 27 February 2008

I watched Battle of the Amazons only a few hours ago and I'm already having problems remembering many of the particulars about the movie. It wasn't necessarily as bad as some of the other movies I watch, just unmemorable. You'd think a movie about a band of Amazon warriors that raids a town to kidnap young men for sex slaves would standout more than that. But that's apparently not the case.

The movie follows the same plot line we've all seen any number of times. The Amazons raid a small village. Those left in the village fear the Amazons will be back. The villagers hire a band of outlaws to train them to fight. Of course it all leads to a climatic brawl where the villagers come out on top and, in the end, the outlaws redeem themselves and decide to stay on. Can anyone tell me where they've seen this before? Magnificent Seven maybe? How about Seven Samurai? As I indicated, it's been done to death.

Battle of the Amazons is a dreary looking affair. It's almost as if the director decided to film the movie through a layer of mud. The acting is generally abysmal. The lone exception is Lucretia Love (Is that a cool name or what?) who I've begun to notice recently in a few movies. By the way, I got a kick out of the fact that Love's character, Eraglia, was the only Amazon that brought back a female when they raided the village. The final fight scene is pretty much a letdown. I also found it humorous that the Amazons don masks for their climatic battle. This was done so that the females could be replaced by men in wigs. Did they think no one would notice that the shapely Amazons suddenly turned into beefy men? One highlight from Battle of the Amazons for me was the score. Although it would have been more at home in a Spaghetti Western, the music was quite nice.

4/10

Xena: Warrior Princess "Callisto" #1.22 (1996)

"As a villain, you were awesome. As a hero, you're a sentimental fool.", 25 February 2008

When a blond warrior claiming to be Xena begins killing innocent people, the real Xena and sidekick Gabrielle decide they must do something to put a stop to it. The mysterious killer turns out to be Callisto, a woman who has known nothing but hatred for Xena all of her life. Callisto blames Xena for the death of her family and has vowed to destroy Xena and everything she holds dear.

The introduction of Xena's nemesis Callisto is easily one of the highlights of the series' entire run. Xena is the Ying to Callisto's Yang – they're oil and water – they're sweet and sour – they're any tired old cliché you can think of. But when they're together, it's fantastic! Their fight scenes are wonderfully entertaining. The ladder battle in the episode titled "Callisto" is one of the best the show ever presented (and that's a lot of fight scenes). Fortunately for fans of the show, the producers saw fit to bring Callisto back season after season – even after she had been killed several times over. But it's this meeting, their first, that I find extra-special.

I think much of credit for the success of the Xena/Callisto relationship has to go to Hudson Leick. The hatred she expresses with her eyes, the contempt conveyed through her body, and the snarl of her voice – it's all so real. You can all but feel the venom she spews forth. It's almost palatable. Answering Xena's question about what she would do if she were set free, Callisto answers, "You let me go, and I'll dedicate my life to killing everything you love. Your friends, your family, your reputation - even your horse." Now that's hatred!

8/10

The Spiderwick Chronicles (2008)

Not quite the movie my son was hoping for, 16 February 2008

A family moves into the now empty house owned by an old, eccentric great aunt who has gone to live in a nearby sanitarium. While exploring the house, one of the boys finds a book that opens a world of magical creatures. Unfortunately for his family, though, an ogre named Mulgarath wants the book and the power it will give him. And he'll stop at nothing to get it.

Let me say upfront that I've never read the books The Spiderwick Chronicles is based on. In fact, until recently, I had never even heard of The Spiderwick Chronicles. I say all this to show that I had no preconceived notions or expectations going into the movie. About the only thing I knew was that my 5 year-old son really wanted to go. Overall, while I enjoyed much of the movie, I did have a few problems that keep me from fully endorsing it.

As for what worked, I'll start with the action. Much of the action in The Spiderwick Chronicles is the "edge of the seat" variety. The films finale with Mulgarath chasing the family around the house is exceptionally well done. In some of the other user comments I've written, I have slammed CG special effects. But here they are used marvelously. It's gotten so that it's difficult to tell where reality ends and the CG begins. The acting is another big highlight for me. Freddie Highmore, Mary-Louise Parker, and Sarah Bolger all give life and believability to their respective roles. Highmore, in particular, did an outstanding job of creating two distinct characters. Another bonus is that this is a family that actually looks like they could be related. It's a nice piece of casting.

On to what didn't work. First, I'm not a big fan of the family dynamic presented in The Spiderwick Chronicles. When these people aren't being chased by monsters, they seem to spend their time yelling at each other. Why not have a family that gets along? I believe that at least part of the reason I felt this way is that the movie feels incredibly rushed. I've read that five books were crammed into this one movie. It shows. There seemed to be little time for any character interaction that didn't move the plot along or set-up a scene later in the movie. Finally, the movie was much more frightening than I had expected it to be. It didn't bother me, but it scared my son to death. He won't even talk about the parts that didn't scare him – and he's the reason we went. I'm no prude, but maybe this one should have been rated PG-13.

In the end, the good nudges out the bad and I'll rate The Spiderwick Chronicles a 6/10.

6/10

Outlaw of Gor (1989)

"Get out of here, you disgusting 'worm'!", 13 November 2007

Outlaw's plot comes straight out of the Sword and Sorcerer Handbook – an evil queen kills her husband and blames it on the innocent hero, Tarl Cabot (Urbano Barberini), so she might take control of the thrown. Cabot spends the rest of the movie trying to clear his name, undo the queen's evils, and return to his true love.

Overall, Outlaw is one of the poorer examples of the Conan "inspired" rip-off I've seen recently. While the movie has a number of weaknesses, the most glaring is Barberini in the lead role. He makes for one of the most nondescript, unexciting heroes I've seen. He's completely unconvincing. And what's the point in announcing quite proudly in the movie that our hero is a vegetarian? Was Outlaw funded by PETA? What's the point in adding that to the movie? It takes what is an otherwise namby-pamby hero and makes him even more so. Between the emasculated Tarl Cabot, scene after scene of a midget's hinder, an annoying side-kick named Watney, and an embarrassed looking Jack Palance wearing one of the goofiest looking hats imaginable, you've got the recipe for one bad movie.

Yet I haven't rated Outlaw as low as I could have. Why? Well, I have a weakness for this kind of movie. I tend to enjoy most sword and sorcerer type movies, even the bad ones. That, plus some of the outfits worn by Donna Denton, seems to be enough to warrant a point or two.

4/10

The Land Unknown (1957)

"It is true that you can't live among beasts without becoming one.", 15 September 2007

While doing some scientific explorations of Antarctica, four scientists are forced to make an emergency landing in a volcanic crater. Beneath the perpetual cloud cover at the volcano rim, they discover a warm and humid land that hasn't changed in centuries. They discover a world full of strange dinosaurs and carnivorous plants. While trying to repair their helicopter, they discover something else – the existence of at least one other human. Will this unknown man help them or is he as savage as the rest of the world in which they find themselves?

As far as a movie about modern man trapped in a prehistoric world goes, The Land Unknown is about average. I really wanted to like this one more, but rating it a 5/10 is about the best I can do. For the most part, the film is well paced and director Virgil Vogel keeps things interesting. But even at 78 minutes in length, The Land Unknown is not without an excessive amount of padding – especially at the beginning. Other than the giant T-Rex, the dinosaur effects are surprisingly strong. I was especially impressed with the dinosaur who lived in the water (sorry, I'm no dinosaur expert so I'm not sure what kind of dino they were going for). Very nicely done. And the sets, from the imaginative plant life to the wonderful matte paintings, make the movie look much better than it should. But as good as that special effects were, the previously mentioned T-Rex is pitiful. It's just laughably bad. It's one of the most obvious man-in-a-suit monsters I can remember seeing. And as with seemingly everything else, the acting is hit-or-miss at best. No one really stands out and Shirley Patterson comes across as plain old annoying.

In the end, I'm glad I finally had the opportunity to catch The Land Unknown. Even with some of the problems I had with the movie, it's one I plan to revisit in the future. An average Universal film from the 50s is still better than many of the alternatives.

5/10

The Day the Earth Froze (1959)

- Sampo
Not my cup of tea, 9 September 2007

This is going to start to sound confusing because I feel exactly the same about The Day the Earth Froze as I do the other two movies I've seen directed by Aleksandr Ptushko. My comments for The Magic Voyage of Sinbad and The Sword and the Dragon are applicable here (and this is where it gets confusing) – "'The Sword and the Dragon seemed to be filled with such broad overacting that it became absurd. I realize that the movie was made over 50 years ago in the Soviet Union. I understand that the movie is filled with messages and other pro-worker propaganda. And I appreciate the importance of the film as a relic of the communist system. But none of that means I have to actually like the movie.' If you change the title of the movie, this quote accurately reflects my feelings on The Magic Voyage of Sinbad." – This time, substitute The Day the Earth Froze and you've got a quote that accurately reflects my feelings on the movie. Also, I'll add that, if anything, The Day the Earth Froze is actually duller than the other two movies. Even with the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary, I had to wake myself at lest two times before I made it through.

In the end, while these movies may appeal to some people, they're not my cup of tea. Just being honest here.

3/10

The Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (1957)

"See how the Storm God licks his lips at the coming feast!", 4 September 2007

I'll try, but I'm not sure I can write a plot summary that's as long as that crazy title. A band of Viking women set out in search of their missing Viking men. Along the way, they run into a sea serpent and a whirlpool (I'm not really sure how it all happened. The women meet this really horrible looking sea serpent that terrorizes them when all of a sudden, they are being pulled into a whirlpool. Are the two things related? – Honestly, I don't know.) The Viking women find themselves washed up on the shores of a strange land where they are to be slaves. They discover their men are also being held as slaves and are working in the mines. Can the women free the men and escape to their homeland?

The Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (the name I actually saw the movie under) is a Roger Corman quickie – and it shows. I'd be shocked to learn that it took more than a weekend to shoot the movie. And I'd be even more shocked to find out that anyone spent more than 10 minutes writing the thing. The plot is utterly ridiculous. The sets and costumes seem to have been leftovers from other Corman movies. The special effects in the form of the sea serpent are as low rent as you'll likely run across. And the acting, with the exception of Susan Cabot, is nothing to write home about. Overall, not one of Corman's better early efforts.

And to make matters worse, The Viking Women and the Sea Serpent does not make for a very good episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 either. I cannot remember laughing even once. Very much below average and worthy of a 2/5 on my MST3K rating scale. (However, the short that precedes the movie in Episode 317 called "The Home Economics Story" is often laugh-out-loud funny. I'd give the short a 4/5 on its own.)

3/10

The Magic Voyage of Sinbad (1953)

- Sadko
These Russian fantasy movies just don't appeal to me, 3 August 2007

I'll skip the normal plot synopsis and get right to it. Besides, anything I could write about the plot would hardly matter as the American bastardization of Sadko that I watched appears to bear only a passing resemblance to either the original Russian movie or the classic Russian folktale on which it was based. First off, I wonder whose bright idea it was to turn the character named Sadko into Sinbad. Let's see, Sadko is a poor Russian musician – Sinbad is an adventurous Middle-Eastern sailor. A lot of similarity there, huh? Secondly, I really have to wonder if the Russian version of the movie included anything about a quest for a bird of happiness. I say this because in the end the bird hardly seems to matter at all. It's almost as if the idea of the bird was added to the American version to give some sort of justification for "Sinbad" going to sea.

Beyond the problems of Americanizing this Russian movie, I have problems with the bits of the original Sadko that seep through. As I stated in my recent review of The Sword and the Dragon (aka Ilya Muromets), I'm not a fan of this style of Russian movie or acting. "The Sword and the Dragon seemed to be filled with such broad overacting that it became absurd. I realize that the movie was made over 50 years ago in the Soviet Union. I understand that the movie is filled with messages and other pro-worker propaganda. And I appreciate the importance of the film as a relic of the communist system. But none of that means I have to actually like the movie." If you change the title of the movie, this quote accurately reflects my feelings on The Magic Voyage of Sinbad. And even though I realize that my appreciation of the movie might be improved if I were to have the opportunity to see the original film, I doubt the change would be drastic.

Like many others, I saw The Magic Voyage of Sinbad through Mystery Science Theater 3000. I enjoyed this episode much more than the previously mentioned The Sword and the Dragon episode. Overall, some very funny riffs. I'll give episode #505 a 4/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

3/10

Xena: Warrior Princes "Fallen Angel" #5.1 (1999) (TV)

Heaven and Hell, 1 August 2007

Having just been crucified by Roman soldiers, Xena and Gabrielle find themselves surrounded by angels and headed to Heaven. But before they can arrive, they are attacked by demons from Hell lead by their nemesis Callisto. While Xena makes it safely to Heaven, Gabrielle is taken to the depths of Hell. For Xena, spending an eternity in Heaven without Gabrielle is just unacceptable. She rallies the archangels to her cause and sets out to save her friend. But what price is Xena willing to pay for Gabrielle's soul?

Talk about your epic battles of Good vs. Evil. It doesn't get much bigger than a band of archangels doing battle with demons from Hell. And even when you consider all the places and things that Xena and Gabrielle experienced through the entire run of Xena: Warrior Princess, a struggle between Heaven and Hell is still groundbreaking stuff. Given that Xena was made with a modest television budget, the special effects in this particular episode are quite good. Sure, there are a few moments when the CGI starts to resemble a video game, but again, we're talking about an episode of a television show. I really enjoyed the acting in "Fallen Angel". All three actresses (Lucy Lawless, Renee O'Connor, and Hudson Leick) seemed to "get into" their chance to play a demon. And what about that ending? Callisto was always one of my favorite characters, but even I realized that it was time for her to go. Her redemption and salvation are a highpoint of the entire series. Overall, "Fallen Angel" is probably ten or so favorite episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess.

9/10