2/10
Saturday, August 28, 2010
The Wicker Man (2006)
"Oh, no! Not the bees! Not the bees!", 9 February 2008
What a freakin' joke! The 1973 version of The Wicker Man is a true classic and one of the most powerful movies I've ever seen. The final scenes have lost nothing and remain as strong today as they were over 30 years ago. The 2006 version of The Wicker Man manages to take most everything that made the original such a wonderfully compelling piece of cinema and chuck it out the window. How you can take out the religious and sexual aspects that were a focus of the original story and still call it The Wicker Man? And what do you use to replace the religious and sexual aspects so key to understanding the central character? Bees! Yes, that's right – bees, for God's sake! What an insult! There's a story that the original negatives of the 1973 film were buried in a landfill under a roadway in England. Why couldn't it have been the 2006 abomination?
2/10
2/10
SST: Death Flight (1977) (TV)
Cookie-cutter 70s disaster film-making, 8 February 2008
Here's a an idea – let's round-up a bunch of Hollywood has-beens, second rate TV actors, and a bunch of no-names and put them all on board a cross Atlantic flight. And let's add a crazed mechanic with a grudge. Oh, and how about adding a deadly virus that fills the plane? You've got the recipe for a 1970s TV movie-of-the-week!
How many of these doomed airplane movies did they make? If you believed what you saw at the movies and on television, planes were dropping out of the skies like flies in the 70s. These kinds of movies were all the rage and SST: Death Flight was meant to grab onto the disaster-cycle coattails. I'll give the movie credit, though – it's actually not much worse than most of the rest of its ilk. The acting is what you would expect from the likes of Lorne Greene, Tina Louise, and Bert Convy. The manufactured tension comes across 30 years later as more humorous than anything else. The characters are cardboard cutouts with overly dramatized problems that can miraculously be solved in an hour or so. The one thing SST: Death Flight has going for it is a slightly unusual twist at the end where the characters the choice of life or death. Other than that, it's cookie-cutter 70s disaster film-making at it's best (or worst, depending on how you look at this stuff.)
4/10
How many of these doomed airplane movies did they make? If you believed what you saw at the movies and on television, planes were dropping out of the skies like flies in the 70s. These kinds of movies were all the rage and SST: Death Flight was meant to grab onto the disaster-cycle coattails. I'll give the movie credit, though – it's actually not much worse than most of the rest of its ilk. The acting is what you would expect from the likes of Lorne Greene, Tina Louise, and Bert Convy. The manufactured tension comes across 30 years later as more humorous than anything else. The characters are cardboard cutouts with overly dramatized problems that can miraculously be solved in an hour or so. The one thing SST: Death Flight has going for it is a slightly unusual twist at the end where the characters the choice of life or death. Other than that, it's cookie-cutter 70s disaster film-making at it's best (or worst, depending on how you look at this stuff.)
4/10
Fantastic Four (2005)
"It's clobbering time!", 8 February 2008
Fantastic Four (2005) is essentially the origin story of this band of Marvel superheroes. The four soon-to-be heroes are sent into space, subjected to cosmic radiation, shocked at the resulting effects on their bodies, and band together to stop a would-be evil villain. An origin story like this would seem to be a good place to begin a franchise. Unfortunately, the results are incredibly mundane. For the first in a series, Fantastic Four felt awfully tired. There's just nothing here to get all that excited about. Special effects – seen 'em before. Characters – 2-D and paper thin. Comedy – lame. Plot – predictable. Acting – is that what they were doing? I can't think of one moment in the movie that made me sit up and take notice. There wasn't a single "Wow" moment for me.
A lot has been made about the casting of Jessica Alba in the role of Sue Storm. Besides the fact that I've never understood the attraction of this Barbie of a woman, I thought she was terribly miscast. She's supposed to be Johnny's older sister? Ridiculous! I just love the scene where she scolds her "younger" brother. Watching Alba attempt to act mature is hilarious. And her relationship with Reed has all the chemistry of oil and water. Again, she's too young to pull it off. Finally, Jessica Alba as a genetic researcher? Yeah, right. The worst case of casting since Denise Richards played a nuclear scientist in The World is Not Enough. Unbelievable!
4/10
A lot has been made about the casting of Jessica Alba in the role of Sue Storm. Besides the fact that I've never understood the attraction of this Barbie of a woman, I thought she was terribly miscast. She's supposed to be Johnny's older sister? Ridiculous! I just love the scene where she scolds her "younger" brother. Watching Alba attempt to act mature is hilarious. And her relationship with Reed has all the chemistry of oil and water. Again, she's too young to pull it off. Finally, Jessica Alba as a genetic researcher? Yeah, right. The worst case of casting since Denise Richards played a nuclear scientist in The World is Not Enough. Unbelievable!
4/10
Girl in Gold Boots (1968)
"I had a pretty mind! Oh God, I wish I had my pretty mind back.", 7 February 2008
Michele Casey (Leslie McRae) has bigger plans for her future than working at her father's diner in the middle of nowhere. She dreams of being a dancer. When a smooth-talking lowlife named Buz Nichols (Tom Pace) offers her a ride to Los Angeles, she jumps at the chance. Along the way, the pair meet up with a draft dodger named Critter (Jody Daniels) who's also looking to get to L.A. Michele ends up getting a job dancing with Buz's junky sister at a club called the Haunted House. The club is run by some of the greasiest customers to ever use Vitalis. They've soon got Buz dealing dope for them. Can Michele escape the squalor her life has become or will she be dragged into the gutter?
Girl in Gold Boots is a difficult movie for me to rate. On the one hand, it's the kind of movie that makes you feel like taking a shower. It's a greasy experience. One scene in particular in the movie perfectly illustrates this effect on me. Buz's sister (the druggy) has almost passed out and is on the floor. There's a camera shot looking up from her perspective at her slimy boss. In the background just over his head is a giant brown stain on the drop-tile ceiling. It's nasty and disgusting but looks like most everything else in Girl in Gold Boots. I would like to think that the director, Ted V. Mikels, carefully chose this shot to use the brown stain as a representation of sorts for the character standing under it. But that's probably giving Mikels way too much credit. My guess is that the stained ceiling came with the location they were using. As nasty as it looks, it fits nicely with the rest of the movie.
But I've rated Girl in Gold Boots a 6/10 so it should be obvious that I found something about the movie to enjoy. It's hard to put finger on, but something about the story, the characters, and the incredibly lame dancing actually works for me. Some of it may be in the at "so bad it's good" sort of way, but whatever, I find it entertaining. I suppose this is one of those cases where comparing the movie to a train wreck is appropriate – it's hard to look away. However, be warned – based on the IMDb rating of 2.8, it's obvious that I'm pretty much alone on this one.
Girl in Gold Boots is one of those movies that I've seen both with and without the MST3K commentary. My opinion of the movie remains unchanged whichever way I watch it. The MST3K commentary itself is very funny. I rate Girl in Gold Boots a 5/5 on my MST3K rating scale.
6/10
Girl in Gold Boots is a difficult movie for me to rate. On the one hand, it's the kind of movie that makes you feel like taking a shower. It's a greasy experience. One scene in particular in the movie perfectly illustrates this effect on me. Buz's sister (the druggy) has almost passed out and is on the floor. There's a camera shot looking up from her perspective at her slimy boss. In the background just over his head is a giant brown stain on the drop-tile ceiling. It's nasty and disgusting but looks like most everything else in Girl in Gold Boots. I would like to think that the director, Ted V. Mikels, carefully chose this shot to use the brown stain as a representation of sorts for the character standing under it. But that's probably giving Mikels way too much credit. My guess is that the stained ceiling came with the location they were using. As nasty as it looks, it fits nicely with the rest of the movie.
But I've rated Girl in Gold Boots a 6/10 so it should be obvious that I found something about the movie to enjoy. It's hard to put finger on, but something about the story, the characters, and the incredibly lame dancing actually works for me. Some of it may be in the at "so bad it's good" sort of way, but whatever, I find it entertaining. I suppose this is one of those cases where comparing the movie to a train wreck is appropriate – it's hard to look away. However, be warned – based on the IMDb rating of 2.8, it's obvious that I'm pretty much alone on this one.
Girl in Gold Boots is one of those movies that I've seen both with and without the MST3K commentary. My opinion of the movie remains unchanged whichever way I watch it. The MST3K commentary itself is very funny. I rate Girl in Gold Boots a 5/5 on my MST3K rating scale.
6/10
Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)
"I'm muzzled by army brass!", 7 February 2008
Watching Plan 9 from Outer Space is like watching an instructional video on how to make a bad movie. It's all here – poor acting, dime store special effects, ridiculously flimsy sets, absolutely no continuity, bad editing, and an incoherent plot. But the most offensive part in my mind is the dialogue. It's completely inane. Criswell's opening monologue is a perfect example – "Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future…." Huh? Does any of that make the least bit of sense? Not to me.
Some people, however, go so far as to call Plan 9 from Outer Space the worst movie ever made. That's ludicrous if you ask me. It might be the most famous bad movie, but not the worst. There are any number of movies more unwatchable, more wretched, and more mind-numbing than Plan 9. For sure, it's bad, but it doesn't deserve the reputation it's gotten over the years. There are several positive aspects of Plan 9 I could cite, but I'll limit this to my old standard argument on Ed Wood as a filmmaker. He may not have had the most talent, the biggest budgets, the most gifted actors, and the best written scripts, but there's not denying Ed Wood's love for movies. You can see it in almost every frame of the film. His enthusiasm for his work is almost infectious. And in my mind that counts for something. It makes watching Plan 9 a reasonably fun experience. Sure, a lot of the fun comes from unintentional sources, but Wood's vision is still there for all to enjoy. And with the fun comes entertainment. I will continue to argue that entertainment is the most important factor for me in watching a movie. That's why I've got no problem giving Plan 9 a 5/10.
5/10
Some people, however, go so far as to call Plan 9 from Outer Space the worst movie ever made. That's ludicrous if you ask me. It might be the most famous bad movie, but not the worst. There are any number of movies more unwatchable, more wretched, and more mind-numbing than Plan 9. For sure, it's bad, but it doesn't deserve the reputation it's gotten over the years. There are several positive aspects of Plan 9 I could cite, but I'll limit this to my old standard argument on Ed Wood as a filmmaker. He may not have had the most talent, the biggest budgets, the most gifted actors, and the best written scripts, but there's not denying Ed Wood's love for movies. You can see it in almost every frame of the film. His enthusiasm for his work is almost infectious. And in my mind that counts for something. It makes watching Plan 9 a reasonably fun experience. Sure, a lot of the fun comes from unintentional sources, but Wood's vision is still there for all to enjoy. And with the fun comes entertainment. I will continue to argue that entertainment is the most important factor for me in watching a movie. That's why I've got no problem giving Plan 9 a 5/10.
5/10
The Hardy Boys: The Mystery of the Applegate Treasure (1956) (TV)
I've waited over 30 years to see this, 6 February 2008
Finally! After 30 some odd years, I finally got the chance to see The Hardy Boys: The Mystery of the Applegate Treasure in its entirety. In the early 70s, one of the local UHF channels ran repeats of the Mickey Mouse Club from the 50s. Included was the daily serial The Mystery of the Applegate Treasure. For whatever reason, I never got to see the whole thing. So for over 30 years I was left wondering about the show and what happened and how the mystery was resolved. And for 30 years, I've had the theme song stuck in my head. I'm very happy Disney released this series.
So was it worth the wait? You betcha! While The Mystery of the Applegate Treasure may not have been as "spooky" as I remembered, it was a lot of fun reliving this moment of my childhood. The story is solid in that innocent, child-friendly, 50s sort of way. Remember, this is a serial designed for kids and made more than 50 years ago. The acting is actually quite good. While neither Tommy Kirk nor Tim Considine is what I would call a world-class actor, both give it their all and are a joy to watch. The supporting players are just as good (if not better in some cases) with Arthur Shields, Florenz Ames, and Carole Ann Campbell really shining. The sets are much better than I remembered. Sure, it's all stage-bound, but the Applegate Tower looked as good as I remembered. The direction is capable at a minimum with the usually dependable Charles Haas at the helm. Overall, it's a good show.
Disney has released The Hardy Boys: The Mystery of the Applegate Treasure as part of their Walt Disney Treasures line. While I didn't really care about seeing the Mickey Mouse Club stuff or some of the other extras, the overall package is very nice. It makes for a very welcome addition to my DVD library.
9/10
So was it worth the wait? You betcha! While The Mystery of the Applegate Treasure may not have been as "spooky" as I remembered, it was a lot of fun reliving this moment of my childhood. The story is solid in that innocent, child-friendly, 50s sort of way. Remember, this is a serial designed for kids and made more than 50 years ago. The acting is actually quite good. While neither Tommy Kirk nor Tim Considine is what I would call a world-class actor, both give it their all and are a joy to watch. The supporting players are just as good (if not better in some cases) with Arthur Shields, Florenz Ames, and Carole Ann Campbell really shining. The sets are much better than I remembered. Sure, it's all stage-bound, but the Applegate Tower looked as good as I remembered. The direction is capable at a minimum with the usually dependable Charles Haas at the helm. Overall, it's a good show.
Disney has released The Hardy Boys: The Mystery of the Applegate Treasure as part of their Walt Disney Treasures line. While I didn't really care about seeing the Mickey Mouse Club stuff or some of the other extras, the overall package is very nice. It makes for a very welcome addition to my DVD library.
9/10
Hamlet (1961) (TV)
Dreary, 1 December 2007
There's really not much need to begin this little review with a plot synopsis. I mean it's Shakespeare's Hamlet for goodness sake – probably one of the best known plays ever written. I'm not embarrassed to admit that I came to this version of Hamlet the way most people on IMDb have – through Mystery Science Theater 3000. While the show may not be the best venue to use to judge a movie, in this case I cannot imagine attempting to watch it without the comedic quips. In a word, this German, made-for-TV version of Hamlet is dreary. 152 minutes? No way! It's too dark and depressing to be anything I want to spend almost three hours on. I've said it any number of times, but entertainment is the thing for me. And this wrist-slitter is far from entertaining. I will, however, give it a couple of points for what I felt was some reasonably good acting. A 3/10 sounds about right to me.
As much as I enjoy MST3K, their comments don't help to make Hamlet any more palatable. There are a few good riffs here and there, but overall, Hamlet is just the wrong movie for MST3K. Shakespeare is far too talky to allow the comedy to have any sort of rhythm or flow. As much as it pains me, I've got to give Hamlet a 1/5 on my MST3K rating scale.
3/10
There's really not much need to begin this little review with a plot synopsis. I mean it's Shakespeare's Hamlet for goodness sake – probably one of the best known plays ever written. I'm not embarrassed to admit that I came to this version of Hamlet the way most people on IMDb have – through Mystery Science Theater 3000. While the show may not be the best venue to use to judge a movie, in this case I cannot imagine attempting to watch it without the comedic quips. In a word, this German, made-for-TV version of Hamlet is dreary. 152 minutes? No way! It's too dark and depressing to be anything I want to spend almost three hours on. I've said it any number of times, but entertainment is the thing for me. And this wrist-slitter is far from entertaining. I will, however, give it a couple of points for what I felt was some reasonably good acting. A 3/10 sounds about right to me.As much as I enjoy MST3K, their comments don't help to make Hamlet any more palatable. There are a few good riffs here and there, but overall, Hamlet is just the wrong movie for MST3K. Shakespeare is far too talky to allow the comedy to have any sort of rhythm or flow. As much as it pains me, I've got to give Hamlet a 1/5 on my MST3K rating scale.
3/10
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