- Uchu Kaisoku-sen
Very Early Sonny Chiba, 5 May 2008
To be honest, Invasion of the Neptune Men is about as bad a movie as I've seen. Maybe it's the cut of the movie I've seen or maybe something is lost in the translation from Japanese or maybe it's meant for a different age group, but whatever, it's bad. (Note: I haven't rated the movie a 1/10 because although it's bad, it's not offensively bad.) Instead of getting into the myriad of problems, I want to focus on why I've now seen The Invasion of the Neptune Men at least four times. I can think of two reasons off the top of my head to explain why I continue to re-watch Invasion of the Neptune Men.
One, (and I admit I'm pushing it here) the chance to see an early Sonny Chiba. I'm not an expert on Chiba, but what I've seen, I really like. From his work in The Street Fighter, Golgo 13, and up to and including Kill Bill, Chiba is the MAN. So it's really cool to get the chance to go back and watch him in what is really his second movie. He's barely recognizable as the lame hero, Space Chief.
Two, Invasion of the Neptune Men is one of my very favorite episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. While I may only rate the movie a 2/10, I give this episode a 5/5 on my MST3K rating scale. Some of the riffs are laugh out loud funny no matter how many times I've heard them. The bits about Space Chef, the Hitler building, and the kids in their shorts are hysterical. As I said, I've seen this episode at least four times and can probably re-watch it many more without getting tired of it.
2/10
"He who takes from Gwangi the evil one is cursed.", 29 April 2008
I'm racking my brain, but I can't seem to think of another movie quite like The Valley of the Gwangi. A Western with dinosaurs? What could be more natural? You gotta wonder why John Ford and/or John Wayne never tried it!
The plot – While searching for a mythical miniature horse for her circus, TJ Breckenridge (Gila Golan), Tuck Kirby (James Franciscus), and the rest of the cast/characters enter a strange, lost valley. There they find not only the miniature horse, but some other, more fearsome creatures as well. Dinosaurs rule this place. Now wouldn't that be an attraction at TJ's circus – a caged T-Rex?
It's not that I find The Valley of the Gwangi a bad movie, I just don't seem to have enjoyed it as much as many others who have posted comments on the movie. There are some parts that I actually find almost unwatchable. For the first half of the movie, there just doesn't seem to be much going on. I wasn't necessarily bored, but I did want something to happen. Plodding would be an adjective I would use. To top it off, the movie features a very contrived love story. It feels forced as if the writers decided that the male and female leads just had to get together. But The Valley of the Gwangi isn't a total waste. There are moments I really enjoyed. Who doesn't get a kick out of the scenes of the cowboys on horseback trying to lasso a T-Rex. You just don't see stuff like that every day. Ray Harryhausen's creatures are impressive. There are some really cool shots of Harryhausen's miniatures interacting with people and horses. It might not represent the best of his work, but the effects are very nice. Still, at least in my mind these good moments aren't enough to overcome the negatives. As much as I hate to do it, I've got to rate The Valley of the Gwangi a 4/10.
4/10
There's nothing much more frightening than the sight of a ludicrously large Nemo., 29 April 2008
For a movie about a race against the clock to rescue a group of scientists trapped in an undersea research facility that's been hit by an earthquake, The Neptune Factor is incredibly dull. The problem is that for most of the movie, nothing happens. Ernest Borgnine (who I'll give a little credit as he does his best with this snoozer of a script), Ben Gazzara, and company spend most of the movie on a slow motion tour of the ocean floor looking for their missing colleagues. Garzzara is the worst, showing the same kind of emotion usually reserved for everyday, mundane tasks like doing the laundry or grocery shopping. You'd hardly know from his demeanor that the lives of three people rest in his hands. And when something does finally happen the special effects are so ridiculous looking that the movie losses any credibility it might have had. The "giant" sea creatures the rescuers run into are little more than normal salt water aquarium fish filmed with a zoom lens and a bad looking miniature of the submarine. That's right – The Neptune Factor looks like it was filmed in someone's home aquarium. A giant clown fish – oooooh, how scary! There's nothing much more frightening than the sight of a ludicrously large Nemo.
To say I was disappointed by The Neptune Factor would be a gross understatement. A good cast is put to waste with nothing to do. In the end, I've got to rate this one a 2/10.
2/10
"I love you, Doug, and I must kill you!", 29 April 2008
Talk about déjà vu. I feel like I've seen this movie several times recently. It may be older than either Missile to the Moon, Queen of Outer Space, or Fire Maidens from Outer Space, but I saw those first. So for me, watching Cat-Women of the Moon is like watching what is essentially the same movie for the fourth time. And despite the familiarity and a whole slew of other weaknesses, I found myself enjoying it. The 2.5 IMDb rating seems a bit harsh – especially when you consider the rating for Missile to the Moon. Not only does Missile to the Moon follow almost the exact same plot, but it appears to even reuse some of the props (giant puppet spiders) from Cat-Women of the Moon.
The story – five astronauts blast off for the moon only to meet a race of women whose world is slowly being destroyed. The women (known for some inexplicable reason as Cat-Women in this movie) want to use the astronaut's spaceship to take them to Earth to find a new world to conquer.
Maybe I'm just weird, but I get a kick out of some of the same things that a lot of other comments bang on. Weak set design (metal rolling office chairs with a seat belts used in the "spaceship"), poor special effects (once again, the giant puppet spiders), bad acting (could Sonny Tufts be any worse), and bad science (just watch as a cigarette burns on the moon!) – you'll find them all in Cat-Women of the Moon. But it's this naiveté to the whole thing that I can't help but enjoy. It might not be for everyone, but I'll give it a 6/10 even with all its flaws.
6/10
- Lo chiamavano Trinità...
"Welcome, brothers!", 28 April 2008
I am by no means an expert on the 19 or so Terence Hill / Bud Spencer films. But of the handful I have been able to see, They Call Me Trinity just might be my favorite. I distinctly remember watching this movie over 30 years ago and thinking it was one of funniest, most enjoyable movies I had ever seen. Re-watching it last night, I realized that, although my opinion isn't quite as high as it once was, I still enjoyed They Call Me Trinity immensely. It's not perfect, but it sure it fun. Hill and Spencer play off each other as well as any of the better known Hollywood duos. They complement each other in both style and appearance. There are a few moments that had me laughing out loud. Their first meeting with the Mexican bandits while unintentionally disguised as Mormons is one of these moments. Hill also has some particularly funny scenes on his own. One that I remembered from my first viewing three decades ago was the scene where Hill eats the entire plate of beans. Good stuff! And who doesn't get a kick out of the dust-covered Hill being pulled along behind his horse. It's a classic image right up there with Django dragging the coffin through the mud. There's just something about both of these scenes that I find very funny.
But what I really enjoy the most is the way They Call Me Trinity makes fun of some of the better known Spaghetti Western clichés. There are several examples I could use, but I'll just cite one. In most Spaghetti Westerns, the main character is usually an expert shot. So expert, in fact, that they almost never miss. Look at Lee Van Cleef in Sabata or Clint Eastwood in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly for example. Van Cleef's Sabata is able to his any target at any distance and Eastwood's Blondie has no problem hitting the rope about to hang Tuco. Trinity takes this already exaggerated ability to the absurd. As seen in the one of the bar fights, Trinity can hit targets behind his back - without looking. If you're a fan of these movies, you'll enjoy They Call Me Trinity's poke at Spaghetti Western conventions.
8/10
Wonderful setting, but a ridiculous plot point, 22 April 2008
Summoned to Baghdad at the behest of a Russian Countess, Hercule Poirot (David Suchet) instead finds himself mixed up in a murder at a nearby archaeological dig. This is, however, no ordinary murder. With only one entrance to the room the woman was found in and several witnesses to the fact that no on entered or exited, Poirot will have to come up with a clever solution to trap a clever killer.
Even with my 6/10 rating, I feel I may have overrated Murder in Mesopotamia. It's got some good points – the exotic Tunisian locations standing in for Iraq, David Suchet, the archaeological dig setting, and an interesting, if improbable, means of murder. And there's something extra appealing about a locked room type mystery. But Murder in Mesopotamia suffers from one hugely ridiculous plot point that I am completely unable to overlook. It's not really the fault of the makers of this adaptation - instead, I lay the blame squarely at Agatha Christie's original work. - BIG SPOILERS AHEAD – Are we really supposed to believe that Mrs. Leidner could marry a man and not realize he was her supposedly dead first husband? I cannot fathom something so far-fetched as this actually happening. I don't care how much his face has changed, I'm unwilling to take that kind of leap in logic. I've always thought it was one of the silliest things Christie ever wrote. Unless she was a complete idiot, surely Mrs. Leidner would have realized at some point that she had married the same man twice. – END OF BIG SPOILERS
6/10
Other than a poorly timed flashback, not much to complain about, 21 April 2008
While on holiday with his friend, Captain Hastings, renowned detective Hercule Poirot is pressed into service to help solve a murder. A very wealthy man's body has been discovered in a sand bunker at a golf course with a knife in his back. His wife is found bound and gagged with a story of two Chilean kidnappers that took her husband in the middle of the night. With no other witnesses, the police quite naturally believe the woman's story. But to Poirot, these events seem oddly familiar and quite suspicious. Poirot must look back into the past to stop a killer from murdering again in the future.
As with Hickory Dickory Dock (which I wrote about yesterday), Murder on the Links is a good episode, just not a great one. There are a number of changes from Agatha Christie's original work – most I didn't really care for. I suppose, however, one has to expect that certain creative licenses will be taken to adapt Christie's books to the screen. And other than one significant issue I have with an early flashback (which I will get to in a moment), most of the mystery elements from the book are here and most work satisfactorily. The acting is nice. I've run out of positives to say about David Suchet. He, quite simply, IS Poirot. Hugh Fraser gives another wonderfully understated performance as Poirot's Dr. Watson, Captain Hastings. The supporting cast is strong, but none of the actors really stand out above the others. Another big plus for Murder on the Links is the attention to detail taken in the sets and the setting. I'm no expert, but the movie looks like it's straight out of the 1930s. Sure, there are one or two discrepancies here and there, but overall, the movie looks incredible. The train station and the hotel are both amazing.
My biggest complaint with Murder on the Links comes from a flashback at the very beginning of the movie. Certain key elements of the mystery are revealed way to early in the script. You find out things within the first 5 minutes that would have been best left until near the end. Otherwise, I don't have any other significant issues with this installment of the Poirot series. A 7/10 seems about right to me.
7/10
