The House of the Yellow Carpet (1983)

Plot twists around every turn, 11 February 2017

The House of the Yellow Carpet is one of those movies where the less you know about, the more you're likely to enjoy it. With this movie, too much plot detail would be a bad thing. I'll just say that a young couple, Franca and Antonio, have a carpet (yellow of course) they'd like to sale. It was a present from Franca's stepfather, but it doesn't work in their small flat. While Antonio is away, Franca answers the door to an old man with an interest in buying the carpet. But is the carpet really all he came for? Anymore detail would seriously be too much. 

The House of the Yellow Carpet is s small, often claustrophobic, thriller/giallo with only four speaking parts. It's filled with more tension and suspense than many better known movies. I'd compare the feeling to something like Wait Until Dark. It's a little slow to get going, but once it does, it's edge of the seat type stuff. The acting is beyond first rate. Erland Josephson as the old man and Béatrice Romand as Franca give some of the best performances I've seen in a while. Just brilliant. And I can't say enough about director Carlo Lizzani. Every twist and turn in the script works flawlessly. This is a fantastic movie that deserves a much wider audience.

9/10

The Last Shark (1981)

Why does this seem so familiar? I wonder?, 7 February 2015

Port Harbor's, a small ocean-side community, preparations are in full swing for the big upcoming windsurfing regatta. However, their plans are rocked when a local windsurfer turns up missing. The only thing that can be found is a portion of his board that appears to have been gnawed on by a rather large great white shark. The mayor is against canceling the big event. The town turns to a salty old sea captain (Vic Morrow doing his best Robert Shaw impersonation) to help capture the shark before anyone else is killed. Sound familiar? 

There's absolutely no way to hide where the inspiration for The Last Shark came from. It's as blatant a rip-off of Jaws as I've ever seen – and I've seen a bunch of them. But this one just might be among my favorites. It's so corny in parts that it's often laugh out loud funny. For years, I had read reviews on the internet of a Jaws-type cash-in with a roaring shark. Well, I finally saw it. The repeated roaring of the great white in The Last Shark every time it surfaces is the stuff of legend. It's comedy gold. The special effects are anything but special. The shark in this movie is so fake its mouth doesn't really move. The one person you see eaten is actually lowered into the unmovable jaws. The dialogue is another source of amusement. Utterly ridiculous dialogue presented with a completely straight face – I don't know how they did it. Finally, there are moments that defy description. The best example has to be the scene where the shark targets and rams a small boat from the bottom. The person on board is sent flying 20 feet in the air like a rocket just went off. You need to see it. Hysterical. 

Actually, as ridiculous as much of the movie is, I still enjoyed it – maybe for the wrong reasons at times, but it's all harmless and entertaining enough. The movie moves at a good pace and never gets bogged down and boring. There are a couple of decent acting performances and some nice location shots. I think a 6/10 for The Last shark is about fair given the entertainment I got out of it. 

One final thing I noticed, The Last Shark has to hold some sort of record for the most mustaches in a movie. Mustache-less lead James Franciscus looks out of place with the rest of the cast.

6/10

Romancing the Stone (1984)

"My minimum price for taking a stranded lady to a telephone is 400 dollars.", 3 February 2017

Sheltered romance writer Joan Wilder (Kathleen Turner) learns her sister has been kidnapped in Columbia. The kidnappers want a map that Wilder has in her possession that supposedly leads to a treasure known as El Corazón. But the kidnappers aren't the only party interested in the map. Colonel Zolo, head of the military police, is also after the map. Through an unfortunate series of events, Wilder ends up lost in the jungle and pins her hopes for survival on an exotic bird smuggler names Jack T Colton (Michael Douglas). Is Colton the dreamy hero of Wilder's books or is he also in it for himself and after the treasure? 

If I were to use only one word to describe Romancing the Stone, it would be "fun". This movie has been a favorite of mine since I was lucky enough to catch it in the theater way back in 1984. It was fun then and it's just as fun now. I've probably seen it a dozen or more times since 1984. Adventure, comedy, romance, danger, action – Romancing the Stone's got it all. There's a lot here to like. Robert Zemeckis' direction is spot-on. His pacing is near-flawless. The cinematography is often stunning. The jungles of Columbia are beautifully shot. Green never looked so good. While the actual hunt for the treasure doesn't play as big a role as I would prefer, it's clever and enjoyable. The movie also features some terrific acting from Kathleen Turner, Michael Douglas, Danny DeVito, and the scene stealing Alfonso Arau. I've always been especially impressed with Turner's portrayal of Joan Wilder in Romancing the Stone. She plays against type and it works. Overall, this movie's a winner.

8/10

Diamond Connection (1982)

I save the 1/10 rating for movies that are so bad they offend me in some way., 2 February 2017

I save the 1/10 rating for movies that are so bad they offend me in some way. Diamond Connection is one such movie. It's an absolute cowpie of a movie with an incomprehensible plot (I'm not even going to bother going into it), poor acting, questionable character motivation, amateurish direction, horrible editing, murky cinematography, laughable sound effects, and an 80s soundtrack that will make you want to rip your ears off. It may only be 73 minutes, but it feels more like 173 minutes with half the runtime being padded with pointless chase scenes. It's a chore to sit through. Diamond Connection is a mess. 

The film does include three "names" in its cast. Poor old Gordon Mitchell is made to look ridiculous in a Middle-Eastern keffiyeh. William Berger looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here. Finally, there's Euro-fav Barbara Bouchet. She's easily the best actor in the bunch and the lone bright spot, but even she can't save this dire disaster from being one of the absolute worst movies I've encountered.

1/10

The Pumaman (1980)

- L'uomo puma
"You cannot escape me!", 3 September 2009

As I've said before, you've just got to love those wacky Italians and some of their wacky cinematic "achievements". The Puma Man (or The Pumaman as the title card indicates) tells the story of Professor Tony Farms (Walter George Alton) who reluctantly accepts his superhero birthright. A direct descendant of extraterrestrials, he is given the power of the puma (Until I watched this movie, I had no idea that pumas could fly? Who knew?) so that he might defend the secrets of the Aztecs. One of those secrets, a golden mask that grants its possessor the power of mind control, has been stolen by the evil Kobras (Donald Pleasance). With his Aztec guide Vadinho (Miguel Angel Fuentes), The Puma Man must put a stop to Kobras' plans of world domination.

It might be screwy, but I can't help but enjoy parts of The Puma Man. The movie comes across like a twisted, no-budget mix of Superman and the U.S. television series "The Greatest American Hero". From the superhero costume that includes brown slacks straight off the rack at Sears to the poorly done rear projection special effects to the repetitive (but admittedly catchy) Casio keyboard soundtrack to the Christmas ornament-like space ship, it's obvious that the budget on The Puma Man was less that what I spent on dinner last night. But the odd thing is, regardless of how cheap looking most of the movie is, it's got a charm to it that money can't buy. And while that doesn't necessarily make The Puma Man a great movie or anything, on occasion the movie overcomes its many faults (or it might be because of these faults) and is often quite fun. The acting isn't much to write home about. Pleasance proves he could be a scene-chewer without equal. His insistence on pronouncing "puma" as "pyuma" is hysterical. Our would-be hero, Alton, is generally ineffectual. The female lead, played by Sydne Rome, while reasonably attractive, doesn't display much in the way of acting skills either. Still, given the material they're given to work with, the entire cast is serviceable. But probably the best thing I can say about The Puma Man is that it's not dull. In fact, it's well paced and generally entertaining throughout its runtime. And as I've argued so many times, entertainment is the single most important thing to me when watching movies.

Compared with most everyone else on IMDb, my rating for The Puma Man sticks out like a sore thumb. Maybe I enjoy it for all the wrong reasons, but whatever it is, I do enjoy it.

5/10

A View to a Kill (1985)

"Hello. My name is James St. John Smythe. I'm English.", 2 September 2009

As a rule, I love James Bond movies. I was born the year after Dr. No was released, so I've kind of grown up with the series. As a kid in the 70s, some of my fondest movie related memories are of those Sunday nights that ABC would air a Bond movie. I couldn't wait to see the car chases, the gadgets, the fight scenes, and the over-the-top villains. It was a great time. That's why it pains me to rate A View to a Kill as low as I do. While there are a few James Bond movies that I have problems with, this is really the only one in the entire series that I would call a bad movie. In fact, I can't think of a single positive thing to write. Watching A View to a Kill last night was akin to nails on a chalk board. Everything about the movie scrapes the proverbial bottom of the James Bond barrel:

• Roger Moore – I'm not a Roger Moore hater, but by the time he made A View to a Kill, he was way too old to pull it off. He looks absolutely ridiculous romancing the young hotties. And that dye job – it's the worst.

• The Bond Girls – Some Bond girls are better than others, but there are none as bad as the two in A View to a Kill. Grace Jones – she's got to be the most unattractive female to ever appear in a Bond movie. Who in the world ever thought she was sexy? If I saw anymore of her backside, I think I might have ripped my eyes out. Tanya Roberts – she probably the worst actress to ever appear in a Bond movie. Imagining her as a geologist is about as silly as picturing Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist (oh wait, she did play a nuclear scientist in a Bond movie). And if Tanya had whined the world "James" one more time, I think I might have ripped my ears off.

• Christopher Walken – Don't misunderstand, I like Christopher Walken. But could he have looked any more foolish than he does with blond hair? Why did they have to do that?

• The Plot – I've got two problems with the film's plot. First, the whole idea of flooding Silicon Valley is beyond stupid. I don't see how it would have accomplished much of anything. Wouldn't companies have just gone elsewhere to produce their computer chips? Second, can someone please explain to me what the steroid injected horses in the first half of the movie have to do with the flooding Silicon Valley plot of the second half of the movie? It's like the entire first hour of the movie was little more than padding.

I could go on and on (Duran Duran's crappy title song, the use of rear projection anytime Roger Moore is supposed to be doing anything physical, the all too obvious stunt doubles, the groan inducing quips, the fire truck chase, the film's title being forced into the dialogue, Q as a peeping tom, etc.), but I'll stop there. You get the idea – I don't like A View to a Kill. In fact, with each successive viewing, I like it less and less. I'm at the point now where I pretty much hate it and doubt I'll ever give it another chance. It's just bad.

3/10

The Scorpion with Two Tails (1982)

- Assassinio al cimitero etrusco
Martino's worst Giallo, 7 June 2009

He may not be quite as well known among casual fans of Italian genre films as the names Bava or Argento, but Sergio Martino is responsible for some of the absolute best Gialli ever made. His earlier, frequent collaborations with Edwige Fenech are almost legendary and produced some of the best films this genre has to offer. Movies like The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, All the Colors of the Dark, and Your Vice is a Locked Door and Only I Have the Key are all among my favorites. Unfortunately, Scorpion with Two Tails does not come close to measuring up to Martino's previous successes. There are any number of problems I had with the film, but chief among them is that it's about as dull as any Giallo I can remember seeing. A plot involving an Etruscan Cemetery, a missing shipment of heroin, bad guys trying to find both, and a beautiful young woman with visions of Etruscan ceremonies – it just never drew me in the way Martino's other films have. Also, I never really cared for any of the characters. Elvire Audray plays the role usually played by Edwige Fenech in one of Martino's movies (she almost resembles a blond Edwige). But to be blunt, Elvire Audray is no Edwige Fenech. She has none of Edwige's screen presence or charisma. Genre legend John Saxon is on hand, but his role is so small that it really added nothing to the film. Saxon was most likely hired to put a "name" on the cast list. And when the killer was revealed, it had no effect on me at all. I didn't care enough about any of the characters to even care who the killer was. Also, I'm not a big fan of supernatural elements being thrown into a Giallo. These movies should be all about black gloved killers, stalking their human prey for greed, money, or jealousy. The risen spirit of an ancient Etruscan just doesn't feel right. As much as I hate to give a Martino Giallo such a low rating, I don't have a choice in this case. Scorpioin with Two Tails really doesn't deserve much more than a 3/10.

3/10

Mama Dracula (1980)

Seriously, that's one of the worst excuses for a movie I've ever seen, 5 June 2009

What a load! Regardless of how bad a movie is, when I write on of these user comments, I usually try to add a touch of humor or a joke here or there (how effective I am, I don't know). But with Mama Dracula I've decided to dispense with this little habit and cut to the chase as it were. Mama Dracula is quite simply dreadful. I don't know when I've been less entertained by a movie. Most of it comes off as amateur hour at its worst. The plot is an incomprehensible mess. The best I got out of it was that it involved the old Elizabeth Bathory story, a pair of utterly ridiculous twin vampires, a doctor who has developed synthetic blood, and the search for virgins. But it hardly mattered as Mama Dracula's plot is there only to set up one lame comedic bit after the next – most involving the twin vampires played by the Wajneberg brothers. Two un-funnier human beings I've not seen – unless, that is, you find humor in an hour and a half of mugging for the camera. And what in God's name was Louise Fletcher doing in this garbage? That Academy Award certainly paid dividends for her. I can only assume she was either trying to help out a friend, hard up for cash, or blackmailed into appearing in the movie. She literally looks embarrassed in almost every scene she has. The rest of the cast is abysmal and the less said the better. You know, I'm usually not one to say something like this, but man, that's 90 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't walk - run if you're ever faced with the prospect of watching Mama Dracula. You'll thank me later.

1/10

Prisoners of the Lost Universe (1983)

John Saxon as MC Hammer, 27 May 2009

Prisoners of the Lost Universe is a remarkably underwhelming fantasy/adventure film that offer very little in the way of thrills or excitement. A brief plot synopsis: A couple is accidentally transmitted to an alternate reality and quickly become separated. The woman, Carrie (Kay Lenz), has been taken prisoner by a vicious warlord named Kleel (John Saxon). Her new beau, Dan (Richard Hatch), with the help of a ragtag band of misfits, sets out to free Carrie and find a way home.

I'm not sure how many South African made movies I've actually seen so I can only hope that this isn't an example of that country's film industry. Prisoners of the Lost Universe plays a bit like a cross between one of those cheap sword and sorcerer movies so popular in the 1980s and something like Romancing the Stone with a bit of cross-dimensional time-travel thrown in for good measure. None of it works, mainly because the whole plot is terribly tired and has that "been there, done that" feel to most of it. The quirky characters that pop-up throughout the movie aren't interesting enough to care about. And the relationship between the two main characters, Carrie and Dan, is handled in such a ham-fisted and forced manner that it provides nothing in the way of a spark for the movie. The relationship between the two main characters exists only because in these kinds of movies there is always a relationship between the two main characters. The lone bright spot for me was John Saxon. His over-acting in every scene, even when doing nothing but lying on a bed, was a joy to behold. However, I could have done without the orange MC Hammer-inspired pants he wore during much of the movie. In the end, this one's a real dud. A 3/10 from me.

One last note - I knew I was in trouble right from the start when I noticed that both of the vehicles the main characters were driving had right side steering wheels. This wouldn't be so unusual, but they were supposed to be in California.

3/10

Cave Dwellers (1984)

- Ator l'invincibile 2
I never knew Miles O'Keeffe was from Tennessee?, 5 December 2008

Another in the long line of Conan wannabes that tired to cash in on that movie's success, this Italian monstrosity is about as bad as they came. You know it's a bad sign when your heroes fight invisible enemies because the movie was made so cheaply there wasn't money for either adequate special effects or to hire real people. I won't even bother going into the plot as I defy anyone to follow it and make sense of the storyline. Maybe it's the television cut I watched, but I can't imagine any version being that much better. It all seems so random to me. Evil sorcerers, cavemen, giant snakes, medieval castles, grenades, and hang gliding – none of it fits together. It's as if director Joe D'Amato had an epileptic fit while making Cave Dwellers (or any of the other half-dozen names the movie goes by) and threw everything he could think of onto the screen regardless of how unrelated it was or how it fit into the film's already puzzling plot. The acting is sufficiently bad. Miles O'Keeffe could never act his way out of a wet paper bag and he proves that once again in this movie. The rest of the cast is equally atrocious. Then there's the . . . well, you get the idea. It's late, I'm tired, and I've already wasted more than enough time writing about this piece of garbage. Take my word for it – avoid Cave Dwellers (or whatever you want to call it) at all costs.

2/10

Devil Fish (1984)

- Shark: Rosso nell'oceano
"You filthy rotten bloody shark", 29 November 2008

I wish I had something more positive to say about Devil Fish, but I honestly can't seem to come up with much. I can't even come up with many of those "so bad, it's good" kind of moments. Devil Fish is just plain old bad. The plot is completely derivative (Jaws, anyone?), the acting is wooden, the characters are uninteresting, the special effects are beyond bad, and the score is annoying. Add to that the seemingly inept direction of Lamberto Bava and you've got one stinker of a movie. I think, however, that the film's biggest sin is its lack of a budget. It doesn't appear that Bava had much to work with. By 1984, the Italian film industry was in full decline – especially as far as genre films go. The funding available to Bava was most probably very meager. Film's like Devil Fish that rely on special effects just never had a chance to be good. It's not the only Italian film to suffer this fate. There are a number of Italian movies made in the mid-80s whose ideas and concepts far exceeded what anyone could realistically have expected given their budgetary limitations.

However, having said all that and noting the film's many weaknesses, I can't bring myself to rate Devil Fish lower than a 3/10. I've even considered rating it higher but can't because I realize how bad a movie it is. Why don't I rate it lower? Well that's hard to explain. Despite the many problems found in the movie, there's something about Devil Fish that I inexplicably enjoy. It could be as simple as my love for low-budget, cheesy, Italian movies. Maybe my taste in movies is horribly skewed, but I enjoy what I enjoy.

The Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of Devil Fish is actually very enjoyable. I rate Devil Fish a 4/5 on my MST3K rating scale. The guys do a fine job of poking fun at the movie's many flaws. One very astute observation comes very early in the commentary when Tom Servo notes, "Just because you can edit, doesn't mean you should" – highlighting yet another of the many weaknesses to be found in Devil Fish.

3/10

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1988) (TV)

"It's an ugly, dangerous business, Watson.", 22 November 2008

This version of The Hound of the Baskervilles is the third I've seen in the past week or so. It's also a first time viewing for me. My initial reaction – I'm somewhat disappointed based on many of the reviews I've read on IMDb. While I enjoyed it much more than the 1978 abomination, I much preferred the 1983 version – also a TV movie. There's little doubt that Jeremy Brett makes a fine Sherlock Holmes (though having grown up with Rathbone, he gets my vote for the best) and Edward Hardwicke wisely plays Watson less the bumbling fool. The rest of the actors are at least adequate, though I thought Fiona Gillies was horribly miscast as Beryl. The authentic looking locations, both moors and other sets, add a lot to the production. But the weakness in the film is in its direction and pacing. Had director Brian Mills kept things moving at a better pace, it might have been more enjoyable effort. As it is, there are some stretches that are difficult to get through. After a nice start and a decent enough third act (although it did feel a bit rushed), the middle portion of the movie grinds to a halt. Finally, who thought it would be a good idea to color the hound a glowing green color in post production? It reminded me of something you might see from a poverty row studio of the 1940s.

6/10

Final Justice (1985)

"Think you can take me? Well, go ahead on. It's your move.", 21 November 2008

After apprehending the man responsible for the murder of his boss, Deputy Sheriff Thomas Jefferson Geronimo, III, is assigned the task of taking the killer back to Italy. On the way, however, the plane is diverted to Malta. Not long after landing, the killer escapes. Now, and with little help from the Maltese police, Deputy Sheriff Geronimo is out to recapture a murderer. But will his "shoot first, take names later" brand of Texas justice work in a foreign country?

Let me get this out right up front, I've seen Final Justice both with and without the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary. I've seen the scenes that were cut that help make the movie a more coherent whole. And I've seen the cut-up TV version that was used for MST3K. Having said that, I've got to admit that I much prefer the MST3K version. Why? Because Final Justice is one lousy movie. The MST3K commentary helps make it much more palatable. On its own, it's a real snoozer of an action movie with corny dialogue (often delivered with such thick Italian accents that it's impossible to understand), bad acting, weak direction, gigantic plot holes, and most everything else you'll find in a bad movie. And if most of Final Justice wasn't "so bad, it's good", it would be one terribly dull movie on top of everything else. So, yes, I enjoy the often very funny MST3K commentary over the bad movie on its own.

My main sticking points with the MST3K commentary and with most of the reviews I've read on Final Justice, however, involve the criticisms of Joe Don Baker. The main weaknesses in Baker's performance actually have nothing to do with his size or the wardrobe choices of his character or any of the other jokes flung in his direction. Instead, I think much of it is has to do with the poor decision to cast him in the lead in the first place. Joe Don Baker has always struck me as a decent enough actor, but he's not the kind of guy I would call an "action hero" by any stretch of the imagination. He's more of a sidekick as he demonstrated with solid performances in a couple of James Bond movies. Or if you really want to blame someone for the problems with Final Justice, point your finger at director Greydon Clark. Clark's resume can't begin to compare with Baker's. So I say, "Lay off Joe Don Baker!"

3/10

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1983) (TV)

A rock solid effort, 18 November 2008

This 1983 version of The Hound of the Baskervilles, Sherlock Holmes' most famous mystery, is a rock solid effort. I enjoyed it immensely. And when you consider the fact that it's a made-for-TV film, it's even more amazing to me just how good it really is. I say amazing because I simply cannot imagine an American made-for-TV production equaling this British effort. Highlights for me include the acting (including nice performances by Ian Richardson, Brian Blessed, and Denholm Elliot), the location shoots (the authenticity of the movie is greatly enhanced by shooting on real mires and bogs), and a steady hand in the director's chair (the pacing of the film is just one of the movie's outstanding features). In fact, I've got very little to complain about. Sure, Donald Churchill all but takes his Watson into Nigel Bruce territory, but it's a minor distraction. Some of my favorite set-pieces included the hound attack in the fog, Holmes' gypsy impersonation, and the flashback sequence. Overall, this version of The Hound of the Baskervilles may not be my favorite and it may not be completely faithful to the source material, but it's a good show and well worth the effort to seek out for any fan of Sherlock Holmes.

One final word on The Hound of the Baskervilles (1983) – I've got one small complaint about the DVD I viewed (R1 DVD from Image). Maybe it was just the copy I had or maybe it was the monitor I was watching it on, but several scenes were a bit too dark. A few times I had difficulty seeing what was going on. Like I said, maybe it was just me, but I thought I would put the warning out there just he same.

8/10

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

"Yeah. I killed my mama.", 15 November 2008

Movies like Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer really test my assertion that I base my ratings and opinions more on entertainment value than anything else. Was I entertained by Henry? Well, not if you're using the traditional definition of the word. I can't imagine that anyone would find the all too realistic handling of the subject matter "entertaining". There's a sense of real menace and violence just under the surface of every scene. Henry doesn't come across like a normal Hollywood horror movie where everything feels like fantasy and you know as soon as the lights come on it's over. The horror in Henry goes on long after the movie ends. I generally watch movies for escapist entertainment – and you won't find that here. Watching Henry and Otis go about there daily life, including the butchering of innocent, unknown victims, is like peeking into the mind of an actual serial killer. I'm not sure that's a place any of us want to be. So I can't really use the word "entertained" to describe the experience of watching Henry. But I was certainly mesmerized. It's almost cliché to say, but watching Henry is akin to watching a car wreck – it's impossible to look away.

Director John McNaughton crafted an incredible film given its almost repugnant content and miniscule budget. The low budget look, the pacing, and the almost documentary style of the film really go a long way to making Henry effective. Another plus for the film is the acting of the three main characters. Michael Rooker gets most of the acclaim, but I think Tracy Arnold and especially Tom Towles give equally strong performances. It's a nice job by three unknowns (at least unknown to many people).

So in the end, I've got to give Henry a rating of 8/10. It's a powerful, shocking, raw, brutal movie that, while often difficult to watch, is impossible to ignore or forget.

8/10

Hundra (1983)

Morricone's score almost makes the movie worthwhile, 24 March 2008

In the past few weeks, I've watched a number of movies with Amazon-style man-hating tribes who only seek the company of men for the purposes of procreation. In this one, the Amazons are wiped out by a band of men. Wiped out, that is, except for a hunter/warrior named Hundra (Laurene Landon) who vows to get even for the slaughter of her sisters. It's also up to Hundra to repopulate her tribe if it is to survive. But to do so, Hundra will need the help of the very same men she seeks for revenge.

Based on my rating, it should be obvious that I have some real problems with Hundra. Tops on that list would be the film's terribly mixed message. The movie tries to incorporate a lot of pseudo-feminist mumbo-jumbo into its plot with little success. It's all for show. You see the film is terribly hypocritical. On the one hand, the film seems to be trying to explore the empowerment of women - but at the same time the film exploits the very same women it purports to empower. The filmmakers seem to be trying to have their cake and eat it to (Is that cliché enough for ya?). Getting past the film's mixed message, Hundra is, for the most part, a poorly made, badly paced, and horribly acting movie. You would think that a plot involving this much bloodshed and sex would hold a little more interest. I, however, found myself nodding off several times throughout the movie. Dull and uninteresting doesn't begin to describe it. The version I saw clocked in at about 1:45 – or about 30 minutes longer than it should have. As for the film's lead Laurene Landon, she's honestly one of the worst actresses I've seen in a while. Her delivery is so unnatural that it's distracting. Finally, the fight choreography is abysmal. Between Landon's unconvincing movements and the lack of any creativity in the fights, these scenes seem to drag on forever. And it doesn't help that the longest fight during Hundra's climax was shown in slow-motion.

Before I end this, I feel I should mention one very obvious highlight of Hundra – Ennio Morricone's score. It far exceeds anything else in the movie. It might not be Morricone's best, but it's certainly memorable. There's one particular piece of music played during the film's final fight scene that almost makes the movie worthwhile. It's that good.

3/10

Alien from L.A. (1988)

Kathy Ireland - The Frump, 19 March 2008

While I can't find fault with Kathy Ireland's decision to branch out of swimsuit modeling to get into acting, but is Alien from L.A. really the best she could come up with for her first movie? What better way to begin a career than to star in a movie that's a cheesy sort of Alice in Wonderland meets the Road Warrior with a twist of Bob Fosse for good measure? And to top it off, why not take one of the world's most beautiful women and give her the most annoying voice imaginable? She sounds like what you might expect if you fed helium to Mickey Mouse. I can't think of a better way to kick off an acting career!

Alien form L.A. also features what I consider to be one of the stupidest, lamest, and most infuriating movie clichés ever dreamed up. How can losing your glasses and changing your clothes so completely change one's personality? Movies like Alien from L.A. would have you believe that you can go from mousy frump to supermodel with a new outfit. They don't get it – it's not about the clothes – it's about an attitude. You can't change your persona like you do your socks.

Despite its numerous problems, there's still some fun to be had with Alien from L.A. If you're a fan of the thick, gooey 80s-style cheese, you'll find a heaping helping in this movie. From the Flock of Seagulls look of several of the characters to the synthed-up soundtrack – it's the 80s at its best (or worst as the case may be). As an added bonus, the movie features a healthy dose of campy humor that works if you take it the right way. I think too many people go into this movie expecting something quite different from what it is. They take the movie far more serious than it was ever intended to be. It's not perfect, but parts can be fun.

5/10

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

"What does God need with a starship?", 27 February 2008

By the time The Final Frontier was released in 1989, it's amazing how far the crew of the Enterprise had sunk. Gone was the campy appeal of the original series - replaced by childish jokes and lame one-liners. The plot involving Spock's half-brother (Was there ever any mention of a half-brother before this movie? How convenient!) searching for what is essentially God is so utterly ridiculous that it hardly merits mention. Most of the crew is shoved to the background as the movie centers on Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, who I swear seem to be doing their best Moe, Larry, and Curly routine. Shatner seems intent on embarrassing himself at every possible turn, Nimoy acts as if he'd rather be anywhere else, and Kelley is just pathetic. In the end, I've got nothing positive to say and I'm scratching my head in vain trying to remember why I rated this dog a 2/10 instead of a 1/10. It's that bad!

2/10

The Atlantis Interceptors (1983)

- I predatori di Atlantide
"If you ask me, we're just heading around in circles.", 21 February 2008

One thing you'll notice if you watch only a handful of 1980s Italian genre films is the way they rip-off…err…I mean borrow from whatever the popular fad was at the time in American movies. Movies like Conan the Barbarian, Escape from New York, Dawn of the Dead, and The Road Warrior inspired countless Italian imitators. While few of these movies can be called "good" in a traditional sense, many are at least fun in their own weird and unique way. The Atlantis Interceptors is one such movie. Director Ruggero Deodato throws everything but the kitchen sink into The Atlantis Interceptors. Bits and pieces from movies as diverse as the previously mentioned Escape from New York to Raiders of the Lost Ark are used in the movie's nonsensical storyline. It's a mishmash of ideas with one set-piece after another strung together with the bare minimum of a plot thread. Some of it works and some of it fails miserably, yet it somehow comes out as an entertaining time waster at its worst. It's best to just turn your mind off and go with it.

The plot (at least what I could make out of it) involves a group of scientists raising a derelict Russian nuclear submarine from the ocean floor. By doing so, however, they unwittingly bring Atlantis back to the surface as well. The Atlantians (is that what you call them) send forth an army of post-apocalyptic looking thugs to take over the surface world. A small group of survivors must band together, defeat the Atlantians, and save the world. That may be the plot, but The Atlantis Interceptors is really just one gun battle or car chase or explosion after another.

I guess my biggest surprise came from the number of recognizable faces in the small cast. Ivan Rassimov, George Hilton, Christopher Connelly, and Gioia Scola will most certainly be familiar to fans of Italian genre films. I'm not sure how Deodato was able to assemble a cast like that, but it does add to the movie's appeal.

6/10

Predator (1987)

"If it bleeds, we can kill it.", 12 February 2008

Watching Predator tonight, I was reminded of what an awesome decade the 1980s were for mindless, over-the-top, fun action. Predator is easily one of my favorites from the decade. Over the past few years, I've re-watched a number of my old 1980s favorites and none of them have withstood the test of time as well as Predator. The movie quite simply has it all – the guns, the explosions, the biceps, the jungle setting, the quips (used sparingly, thank goodness), the blood, and the unstoppable enemy. But most importantly, it's got Arnold. In my mind, Schwarzenegger IS 80s action.

The plot isn't overly complicated or doesn't get in the way. It's there to set up the action. The movie begins with a band of mercenaries going into an undisclosed Latin American country to rescue a couple of hostages. But there are more than the enemy guerrillas in this jungle. A strange being from another world is using this particular jungle as a base for his hunting expedition. His prey – humans.

Predator has held up over the years because of the superb and unrelenting action. It's a testosterone overload. In addition to Schwarzenegger, guys like Jesse Ventura, Carl Weathers, and Bill Duke fit nicely into the jungle setting. Every imaginable hand-held type military weapon is used at some point in the movie. No scene illustrates this quite like the one where Arnold and crew fire indiscriminately into the jungle as limbs, brush, and entire trees are knocked down from the sheer volume of their fire. Awesome stuff! Another big plus is the actual creature. The Predator design is fantastic. From his glowing eyes and blood to his use of camouflage to his array of weapons, he's one bad dude. I also appreciate the fact that a lot of time wasn't devoted to the alien's back-story. He is what he is. The only real weakness I can come up with in the entire movie is the acting. But really, who watches a movie like Predator expecting to see Oscar caliber performances?

8/10