Five for Hell (1969)

- 5 per l'inferno
Relax and don't take it so seriously, 6 September 2009

The plot of Five for Hell isn't anything overly original. Those who have seen The Dirty Dozen or The Inglorious Bastards (the best of these over-the-top Italian war movies) will find things very familiar. A group of five American GIs are sent behind enemy lines to obtain a copy of Nazi battle plans stored in the safe of a heavily guarded villa. The GIs have help on the inside in the form of a double-agent named Helga (played by the ludicrously gorgeous Margaret Lee). Her main objective is to keep SS Col. Hans Mueller (the great Klaus Kinski) otherwise occupied. Meanwhile, Lt. Hoffman (Sartana himself – Gianni Garko) and his men make their way to the villa, open the safe, and battle their way back to safety. It's very simple, but nicely put together.

After reading reviews for Five for Hell on IMDb and around the internet, I think there are a bunch of people who have forgotten how to have fun watching a movie. That's what I did with Five for Hell – I had fun. Forget realism, forget history, forget the normal conventions of a good movie – this is classic Italian genre cinema. Just relax, don't take things too seriously, and go with it. A few familiar actors (Lee, Kinski, Garko, Sal Borgese, Luciano Rossi), a catchy soundtrack (I dare you to get that main theme out of your head), bad dubbing (I've gotten so used to this by now, it doesn't phase me), a gimmick or two for interest (exploding baseballs and a crazy trampoline), over-the-top action (the final 15 minutes are just one big machine gun fight), a really rotten bad guy to root against (Kinski at his evil best), and a beautiful woman (I think I've already expressed my feelings about Margaret Lee). Yep – Five for Hell's got it all.

7/10

The Deadly and the Beautiful (1973)

- Wonder Women
"Lady, aren't you a little tired of playing God?", 6 September 2009

Dr. Tsu (Nancy Kwan) has set up a secret research facility on an island where she has mastered various transplant techniques. She boasts she can transplant any part of the body – yes, that's right, ANY part. For a hefty sum of money, she offers the wealthy a chance for immortality by placing their brains into the body of a young, virile athlete. Her island fortress is guarded by an army of beautiful, but deadly women who also work to procure the doctor her healthy subjects. Her latest acquisition, a local jai-alai player, unwittingly draws the interest of an insurance investigator from Lloyd's of London who had a policy on the young man. In turn, he hires former CIA agent Mike Harber (Ross Hagen) to investigate. Before you can say "Ross Hagen produced this thing so you know he's going to come out looking good in the end", Harber is taken prisoner by Dr. Tsu and given the long, overly drawn out explanation of her work and her plans. In the end, Harber's powers of seduction have been enough to turn one of the women against Dr. Tsu and he escapes with the jai-alai player. The end.

What a wild piece of 70s trash! While not good in any traditional sense, that's never stopped me from enjoying a movie. There are, however, three things you ought to know before watching The Deadly and the Beautiful (or Wonder Women as it's sometimes known): it's a cheaply made Filipino film, it's got a gaggle of scantily clad beauties, and it was produced by and stars Ross Hagen. The cheap/Filipino thing doesn't really bother me. It's probably part of what makes the movie so unique. And you've just got to love the 70s porn-inspired soundtrack. Too funny. The gaggle of scantily clad beauties – I'm not going to complain about that either. Though I must admit I did laugh out loud watching the army of women with every weapon imaginable set out into the jungle wearing what amounted to the most inappropriately imaginable short chiffon mini-nightgowns. I don't think nighties are standard issue for any other army in the world. And their style of hand-to-hand combat must be seen to be believed. I've heard of all sorts of styles or martial arts fighting, but nothing quite describes the gyrations performed by Roberta Collins. Finally, I'm left with Ross Hagen. The man just has a way of turning my stomach. He reminds me a bit of a B-movie version of Chad Everett with none of the acting ability. He spends the entire movie either looking half-asleep and disinterested or ogling the women he's supposed to be fighting. There is one brief scene with Hagen that's an absolute scream. He's following the Dr. Tsu down a staircase in what can only be described as full-on flounce mode. You know, ridiculous expression on his face, arms bent at the elbow and wrist, and legs doing sort of a trot – looks a bit like he's auditioning for a part in the Village People. Too funny. And then there's the scene where Ross gets to do something called "brain sex" with Nancy Kwan. Just about lost my lunch watching Ross' faux-orgasmic squirm on that vinyl seat. Yuck!

Oh yes, as for the movie – it is what it is – a cheap piece of 70s exploitation junk that's worth a watch if you're into that sort of thing. For me, I had a great time with it. It was also cool to see Sid Haig in a different sort of role (I just realized that I have no idea what happened to his character). For all the wrong reasons, I'll give The Deadly and the Beautiful a 7/10.

7/10

Murderers' Row (1966)

"Come along, Julian. Maybe we can find somebody for you to run over on the way home.", 5 September 2009

Dean Martin's back for a second spin as Matt Helm in Murderers' Row. In this one, Helm sets out to track down a missing scientist being held captive by the evil (and hysterical) Julian Wall (Karl Malden) – a man bent on world domination. His plan is to use the scientist's ray (I can't remember what kind of ray, but does it really matter?) to destroy Washington D.C. Helping Helm is the scientist's swinging daughter, Suzie (Ann-Margaret).

Almost everything I wrote in my comment for The Silencers applies to Murderers' Row. The bit about the plot not mattering – even more so in this case. The notion of Dean Martin playing Dean Martin – again, nothing could be truer. Dino surrounded by beautiful women - Ann-Margaret is a knock-out in Murderers' Row. The booze, the jokes, the gadgets, etc. – it's all here. The best part is that once again it's all handled in a breezy, easy manner that makes watching Murderers' Row a lot of fun. I don't know that I enjoyed it quite as much as The Silencers, but I did find it entertaining. The best bits include: watching Dino try to keep up with the over-the-top dancing of Ann-Margaret, Karl Malden (his performance as the villain is the one thing about Murderers' Row that is actually better than The Silencers), Ann-Margaret's groovy wardrobe, and Helm's freeze and delayed firing guns. What un-PC fun! My advice – if you plan to sit down and check out Murderers' Row (or any of the Matt Helm films for that matter), remember to take things about as seriously as the people who made the movie did (and that's not at all) and you just might enjoy it.

6/10

The Silencers (1966)

"The soap, please, Miss Kravezit.", 4 September 2009

If you're looking for a film that takes a serious look at espionage, look someplace else. But if you're looking for light, breezy, non-PC entertainment with just enough spy stuff to keep things interesting and the thought of Dean Martin the playboy doesn't turn your stomach, The Silencers might be the movie for you. With a lot of movies I write about, I start out by saying that the plot doesn't matter. Well, with The Silencers, it really doesn't matter. But for those keeping score at home, Matt Helm, an agent for I.C.E. (the good guys), is sent out to put a stop to Big O's (the bad guys) plan to start WWIII. Big O's plan is to sabotage a rocket, send it hurdling into a nuclear test site, and make it look like the Russians did it. Why? I'm not sure anymore because, like I said, the plot doesn't matter. Instead, you watch a Matt Helm film to see how much booze Dino will drink, how many bad guys he'll shoot, and how many beautiful women he'll seduce (and the answer to all these questions in The Silencers is a bunch). On another website I read where someone described Dino's Matt Helm as the original Austin Powers – and that's a pretty fair assessment. But in Helm's case, the pervy secret agent shtick actually works for him.

Anyway, if you're a fan of Dean Martin's 1960s public persona, you'll most likely enjoy The Silencers. He sleepwalks through most of the movie, but then again, he did the same pretty much through the whole decade. Joining Martin are a trio of beauties – Stella Stevens, Daliah Lavi, and Cyd Charisse (whose screen-time is way too limited). I can't really pick one who stands out as they're all a lot of fun and bring their own unique talents to the movie. Victor Buono, complete with yellow-face (I told you the movie was terribly un-PC), is on hand to play the leader of Big O. It's this cast that makes The Silencers so entertaining and worth watching. Add to the cast some off-the-wall gadgets, cool (but cheap) sets, and a few nice fight scenes, and you've got a James Bond spoof worth checking out. A couple of scenes that I always get a kick out of include: watching Martin and Stevens polish off a bottle of liquor while driving (again, very un-PC), Stevens with the rear-firing gun, and Matt Helms morning routine including coffee and bubble bath with secretary Lovey Kravezit. I have no problem rating The Silencers a 7/10.

7/10

The Pumaman (1980)

- L'uomo puma
"You cannot escape me!", 3 September 2009

As I've said before, you've just got to love those wacky Italians and some of their wacky cinematic "achievements". The Puma Man (or The Pumaman as the title card indicates) tells the story of Professor Tony Farms (Walter George Alton) who reluctantly accepts his superhero birthright. A direct descendant of extraterrestrials, he is given the power of the puma (Until I watched this movie, I had no idea that pumas could fly? Who knew?) so that he might defend the secrets of the Aztecs. One of those secrets, a golden mask that grants its possessor the power of mind control, has been stolen by the evil Kobras (Donald Pleasance). With his Aztec guide Vadinho (Miguel Angel Fuentes), The Puma Man must put a stop to Kobras' plans of world domination.

It might be screwy, but I can't help but enjoy parts of The Puma Man. The movie comes across like a twisted, no-budget mix of Superman and the U.S. television series "The Greatest American Hero". From the superhero costume that includes brown slacks straight off the rack at Sears to the poorly done rear projection special effects to the repetitive (but admittedly catchy) Casio keyboard soundtrack to the Christmas ornament-like space ship, it's obvious that the budget on The Puma Man was less that what I spent on dinner last night. But the odd thing is, regardless of how cheap looking most of the movie is, it's got a charm to it that money can't buy. And while that doesn't necessarily make The Puma Man a great movie or anything, on occasion the movie overcomes its many faults (or it might be because of these faults) and is often quite fun. The acting isn't much to write home about. Pleasance proves he could be a scene-chewer without equal. His insistence on pronouncing "puma" as "pyuma" is hysterical. Our would-be hero, Alton, is generally ineffectual. The female lead, played by Sydne Rome, while reasonably attractive, doesn't display much in the way of acting skills either. Still, given the material they're given to work with, the entire cast is serviceable. But probably the best thing I can say about The Puma Man is that it's not dull. In fact, it's well paced and generally entertaining throughout its runtime. And as I've argued so many times, entertainment is the single most important thing to me when watching movies.

Compared with most everyone else on IMDb, my rating for The Puma Man sticks out like a sore thumb. Maybe I enjoy it for all the wrong reasons, but whatever it is, I do enjoy it.

5/10

A View to a Kill (1985)

"Hello. My name is James St. John Smythe. I'm English.", 2 September 2009

As a rule, I love James Bond movies. I was born the year after Dr. No was released, so I've kind of grown up with the series. As a kid in the 70s, some of my fondest movie related memories are of those Sunday nights that ABC would air a Bond movie. I couldn't wait to see the car chases, the gadgets, the fight scenes, and the over-the-top villains. It was a great time. That's why it pains me to rate A View to a Kill as low as I do. While there are a few James Bond movies that I have problems with, this is really the only one in the entire series that I would call a bad movie. In fact, I can't think of a single positive thing to write. Watching A View to a Kill last night was akin to nails on a chalk board. Everything about the movie scrapes the proverbial bottom of the James Bond barrel:

• Roger Moore – I'm not a Roger Moore hater, but by the time he made A View to a Kill, he was way too old to pull it off. He looks absolutely ridiculous romancing the young hotties. And that dye job – it's the worst.

• The Bond Girls – Some Bond girls are better than others, but there are none as bad as the two in A View to a Kill. Grace Jones – she's got to be the most unattractive female to ever appear in a Bond movie. Who in the world ever thought she was sexy? If I saw anymore of her backside, I think I might have ripped my eyes out. Tanya Roberts – she probably the worst actress to ever appear in a Bond movie. Imagining her as a geologist is about as silly as picturing Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist (oh wait, she did play a nuclear scientist in a Bond movie). And if Tanya had whined the world "James" one more time, I think I might have ripped my ears off.

• Christopher Walken – Don't misunderstand, I like Christopher Walken. But could he have looked any more foolish than he does with blond hair? Why did they have to do that?

• The Plot – I've got two problems with the film's plot. First, the whole idea of flooding Silicon Valley is beyond stupid. I don't see how it would have accomplished much of anything. Wouldn't companies have just gone elsewhere to produce their computer chips? Second, can someone please explain to me what the steroid injected horses in the first half of the movie have to do with the flooding Silicon Valley plot of the second half of the movie? It's like the entire first hour of the movie was little more than padding.

I could go on and on (Duran Duran's crappy title song, the use of rear projection anytime Roger Moore is supposed to be doing anything physical, the all too obvious stunt doubles, the groan inducing quips, the fire truck chase, the film's title being forced into the dialogue, Q as a peeping tom, etc.), but I'll stop there. You get the idea – I don't like A View to a Kill. In fact, with each successive viewing, I like it less and less. I'm at the point now where I pretty much hate it and doubt I'll ever give it another chance. It's just bad.

3/10

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

"I owe you an unpleasant death, Mr. Bond.", 1 September 2009

It should be obvious from my rating that I'm not the biggest fan of Pierce Brosnan's second outing as James Bond. It's not that Tomorrow Never Dies is terrible, but compared with the best of Bond (even compared to the best of Brosnan's Bond films), it's just not that good. There's very little that I would call original in the script. It's strictly Bond by-the-numbers. The same tired formula is used with little in the way of a surprise thrown in. Beyond the lack of originality, I've got real problems with Jonathan Pryce as super-villain, Elliot Carver. A megalomaniac news-mogul intent on dominating every news outlet in the world just doesn't instill the same level of fear in me that most of Bond's other adversaries do. And haven't we already seen guys like this? Ted Turner – Rupert Murdoch – anyone? And really, what's the point in Carver's whole plan? First, he's obviously already one of the most powerful, wealthy men on the planet. I mean, he owns a news empire that stretches across the entire globe, save for China. Not too shabby. Second, if you've got the resources and wherewithal to build a stealth ship and no one, including the world's intelligence community, knows anything about it, how much more is there? Finally, what kind of name is Elliot for a man bent on world domination? Elliot is a guy who hands you your soft-serve at Dairy Queen – not some evil genius.

The highlight of Tomorrow Never Dies is easily Michelle Yeoh. I know, it's a predictable statement, but she really is awesome. From the motorcycle scene while handcuffed to Brosnan to her fight scene in the secret hideout, she totally rocks. If she could have just seen fit to give old Brosnan a good butt-kicking, I might have rated this movie a lot higher.

5/10