Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

"What does God need with a starship?", 27 February 2008

By the time The Final Frontier was released in 1989, it's amazing how far the crew of the Enterprise had sunk. Gone was the campy appeal of the original series - replaced by childish jokes and lame one-liners. The plot involving Spock's half-brother (Was there ever any mention of a half-brother before this movie? How convenient!) searching for what is essentially God is so utterly ridiculous that it hardly merits mention. Most of the crew is shoved to the background as the movie centers on Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, who I swear seem to be doing their best Moe, Larry, and Curly routine. Shatner seems intent on embarrassing himself at every possible turn, Nimoy acts as if he'd rather be anywhere else, and Kelley is just pathetic. In the end, I've got nothing positive to say and I'm scratching my head in vain trying to remember why I rated this dog a 2/10 instead of a 1/10. It's that bad!

2/10

Outlaw of Gor (1989)

"Get out of here, you disgusting 'worm'!", 13 November 2007

Outlaw's plot comes straight out of the Sword and Sorcerer Handbook – an evil queen kills her husband and blames it on the innocent hero, Tarl Cabot (Urbano Barberini), so she might take control of the thrown. Cabot spends the rest of the movie trying to clear his name, undo the queen's evils, and return to his true love.

Overall, Outlaw is one of the poorer examples of the Conan "inspired" rip-off I've seen recently. While the movie has a number of weaknesses, the most glaring is Barberini in the lead role. He makes for one of the most nondescript, unexciting heroes I've seen. He's completely unconvincing. And what's the point in announcing quite proudly in the movie that our hero is a vegetarian? Was Outlaw funded by PETA? What's the point in adding that to the movie? It takes what is an otherwise namby-pamby hero and makes him even more so. Between the emasculated Tarl Cabot, scene after scene of a midget's hinder, an annoying side-kick named Watney, and an embarrassed looking Jack Palance wearing one of the goofiest looking hats imaginable, you've got the recipe for one bad movie.

Yet I haven't rated Outlaw as low as I could have. Why? Well, I have a weakness for this kind of movie. I tend to enjoy most sword and sorcerer type movies, even the bad ones. That, plus some of the outfits worn by Donna Denton, seems to be enough to warrant a point or two.

4/10

Sinbad of the Seven Seas (1989)

"For the last time... I command you, in the name of all that is evil... budge! Budge!", 26 April 2006

Basically, you can take the comments I recently wrote on Lou Ferrigno's two Hercules movies and apply them to his Sinbad outing. If possible, however, Sinbad of the Seven Seas is even more of a snooze-fest than those two films. I don't know when I've been so utterly bored by a movie. I could do the usual and mention the cheap special effects, the ludicrous plot, the laughable dialogue, or the really bad acting, but it seems a bit like piling on. Suffice it to say that everything (and I mean everything) about Sinbad of the Seven Seas is about as bad as you'll see.

One thing I will mention in a little detail is the music. The score was done on a cheap synthesizer and lacks any depth or soul. Someone named Dov Seltzer is credited as the "composer". You could have fooled me! After watching the opening credits, I was sure the old Super Nintendo system would get the music credits.

1/10

The House of Clocks (1989) (TV)

- La casa nel tempo
Surprisingly Good, 7 April 2005

A group of three unprofessionals attempt to rob the house of an elderly couple. It's an isolated place full of expensive items such as a large collection of clocks. The robbery goes all wrong and the old couple are each hit with a shotgun blast. One of the robbers notices that immediately following the couple's deaths, all of the clocks in the house have stopped. What none of them realizes is that the clocks begin to run backwards. Before the robbers realize what's happening, the clocks have turned back time and brought the couple back to life.

Almost every review I've read on the internet seems to trash this movie. I don't get it. Other than Fulci's Don't Torture a Duckling and A Lizard in Woman's Skin, this is the best I've seen of his movies. The movie plays a bit like Twilight Zone meets Fulci. The story is original and innovative. Being Fulci, there is a certain amount of gore to be found (for example, an endless stream of entrails pouring from the maids stomach after she's been stabbed with a sharpened stick), but it never goes over-the-top. I found more tension here than in most of Fulci's films. Most of his work seems to be based on how to gross-out an audience. Here, he lets the story take center stage.

A lot of the reviews I've read complain about the ending. I'll not give it away, I'll just say that it has a nice irony to me that I found satisfying. The three robbers are, after all, bad people. It's only fitting that they should not get away.

The House of Clocks was apparently an Italian made-for-TV movie. They certainly don't make TV movies like this in America.

7/10

The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)

Funny, but little else to recommend, 4 April 2005

The evil Dr. Arcane (Louis Jourdan), thought to be dead at the end of the original Swamp Thing, is alive and well. His life, however, will be short-lived unless he is able to reverse his cell degeneration. Up to this point, his experiments have yielded only horribly disfigured mutants. Fortunately for the Doctor, his step daughter, Abby (Heather Locklear), arrives to confront him about her mothers death. With her DNA, Arcane may be able to save himself. But, lurking nearby is Swamp Thing - Dr. Arcane's nemesis who is intent on stopping him.

I've seen this movie at least a half a dozen times. With each viewing, I want it to be good. Although bits and pieces are enjoyable, overall it's just not a very good movie. For the most part The Return of Swamp Thing fails at being an action movie, it fails at being a sci-fi movie, and it fails at being a horror movie. Some of the acting, particular that of Monique Gabrielle, is noticeably wooden. I doubt that Gabrielle has ever delivered a line that sounded natural. Some of the special effects, particularly a few of the mutants, are anything but special. Many of the plot points can be seen from a mile away. For example, when we are introduced to Abby, we are told that she's the kind of person who prefers plants to people. Gee, I wonder who will be her love interest in the movie?

The movie does achieve a little success, however, at being a comedy. Some of the lines are genuinely funny. For example, when Swamp Thing reminds Abby that their budding relationship will be hampered because he's a plant, her response "That's okay, I'm a vegetarian." Not great, but it does bring a smile to my face. Another scene that I'm fond of involves Jourdan poking a little fun at himself. Jourdan's pet parakeet happens to be named Gigi. Jourdan sings a little song to Gigi that's a take-off of the songs in what may be his most famous movie, Gigi.

As I had seen this movie several times before, on this occasion I watched with the commentary on Image's DVD. Few commentaries are as informative as this one. Listening to Director Wynorski, it's amazing the detail he remembers about making The Return of Swamp Thing. It's one of the better commentaries I've heard in a while.

4/10