Santa’s Summer House (2012)

Who thought this was a good idea?, 15 November 2019

What a load of garbage!  I don’t understand how films like this get made.  Who thought a movie like Santa’s Summer House was a good idea?  Did anyone involved in the making of Santa’s Summer House think it was going to be a quality movie?  Is the straight-to-video market so lucrative that trash like this actually makes money? So many questions that I couldn’t care less to learn the answers to.  

There’s really no point in listing all the bad aspects of Santa’s Summer House.  Everything about it is bottom-of-the barrel. The plot is beyond ridiculous, most of the acting is horrendous (Christopher Mitchum proves yet again that acting ability isn’t inherited), the lighting is gawdy, and the sound is so poor you can hear echoes anytime a character walks across the tile floor.  The plot has a message that’s pretty decent, but it’s handled so annoyingly hamfisted that it loses much of its effectiveness. The entire time I was watching, I was just hoping and praying that 90s martial art icon (am I overstating it?) Cynthia Rothrock would do some sort of spinning-scorpion-five-finger-Shaolin-death-kick on the rest of the cast.  

If it’s so bad, then why haven’t I rated it lower?  Well, as bad as it is, it’s not unwatchable. There are a boatload of movies out there much worse than this.  And, like I said, it does have a decent message. Finally, I’ll give it a point for hilariously casting Rothrock in the role of Nanna, Santa’s wife.  

3/10

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

“Ten years ago, he tried to kill Laurie Strode. Now he wants her daughter.”  15 November 2019

The quote I used as a title for this pretty well summarizes the plot.  Michael Myers escapes, heads back to Haddonfield, and goes on a killing spree while searching for his niece.

Until the other night, I hadn’t seen Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers in years, but it’s much better than I remember.  Of all of the sequels in the original Halloween line, this one might just be the best. I know a lot of people prefer Halloween II or H2O, but for me, this one comes closest to capturing the spirit of the original.  Halloween 4 has a similar feel to it with plenty of atmosphere and chills. The scenes of Michael stalking Jamie and Rachel are especially creepy. As with the first film, for whatever reason, I find the daytime stalking scenes incredibly effective.  And the rooftop escape sequence near the end is just plain old thrilling. Halloween 4 features a nice cast - better than you’ll find in the average Halloween sequel. Donald Pleasence gives his usual over-the-top, but totally enjoyable performance. Young Danielle Harris, in her first real role, is a stand-out.  She may be the best thing Halloween 4 has going for it. She’s that good. The rest of the cast, including Ellie Cornell and Beau Starr, is very strong. While I do have some issues with the plot - the notion of transporting Michael at night in a driving thunderstorm, a niece Michael knows nothing about until he accidentally over-hears someone talking about her, Michael’ ability to walk / drive around town without drawing attention to himself, etc - it’s nowhere near as whacky and off-the-rails as the sequels to follow.  Plus, there’s none of the Thorn nonsense that’s introduced in Part 5. It may seem petty, I guess one of my biggest complaints with Halloween 4 is that awful looking mask. The white is so bright, it pretty much glows. And what’s with the hair? Looks like someone used a tub of pomade to smooth it down.  

Overall, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is worthy successor to the original.  While it never reaches that level of brilliance, it’s far superior to a lot of the dreck that followed.

7/10

Bees Make Honey (2017)

Not what I was looking for, 7 November 2019

The basic plot in Bees Make Honey is fairly routine - Honey (Alice Eve) is convinced that her husband was murdered at last year’s Halloween party.  To find the killer, she invites the exact same guests to this year’s party. But she also invites a police detective to help her unmask a murderer.  

It’s not that I disliked Bees Make Honey, but it could have been so much better.  My biggest issue was the lack of focus. I’m a sucker for a good mystery. But too often, director Jack Eve seemed to turn his attention to anything but the mystery.  Give me clues, suspects, motives, etc. - that’s what I want. I suppose that what it boils down to is that I wanted a different movie, one with a good old fashioned, drawing room style mystery.  Instead, what a I got was a mystery buried under kitchy characters, crazy musical interludes, and bizarre scenes that seem to exist only to be bizarre (a Nazi doing line after line of coke, for example).  

I will give Eve credit for ambition.  Just a few minutes in and it’s easy to see Eve and Bees Make Honey have style to burn.  And the movie looks fantastic. Costuming, sets, and lighting are all amazing. Being set during a Halloween party helps create the fantastic imagery.  And I was impressed with Eve’s sister, Alice Eve, in the lead. She brought real life and energy to Honey. It’s too bad her main co-star, Wilf Scolding, couldn’t keep up.

5/10

Lovejoy “The March of Time” #1.8 (1986) (TV)

“We should be back home trying to make a dishonest living.”, 5 Novembe 2019

While working to repair a relatively worthless clock, Lovejoy discovers a set of love letters from the time of the Napoleonic Wars.  Lovejoy realizes he may have something of value. When someone steals the clock, Lovejoy’s convinced he’s onto something and decides to investigate.  

The March of Time may not be the best episode, but it’s still an enjoyable, worthwhile experience.  The plot is nothing to write home about - there’s not much danger, there’s no murder to solve, and the story of the letters isn’t as exciting as something like treasure buried under an abbey.  But watching Lovejoy and the sheer pleasure we see on his face as he reads the letters gives as much insight to Lovejoy, the character, as anything we’ve seen so far. When Lovejoy initially finds the letters, you can see the dollar signs in his eyes.  When he meets their rightful owner, the devastatingly (as Lovejoy describes her) beautiful Sophy, we can see something else in his eyes. But in the end, Lovejoy’s love for antiques and doing what’s right wins out and Lovejoy sacrifices money and his shot with Sophy to see the letters made whole.    

6/10

Satan’s Triangle (1975) (TV)

Fantastic ending,  31 October 2019

I’m finding Satan’s Triangle a difficult one to summarize without giving too much away.  The story involves a botched rescue attempt on a yacht in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle.  The sole survivor, Eva (Kim Novak), spends the night relaying the mystery and horror of what happened to her fellow passengers to Coast Guardsman Lt Haig (Doug McClure).  Haig believes he has a rational explanation for everything, but is he right or are there evil forces at work?

Man, do I ever love these 70s made-for-TV movies!  Satan’s Triangle might not be the best of the bunch, but it’s a good one.  It’s one of those movies, though, that you have to stick with. The middle part can get a bit dry.  I was half-tempted to turn it off, but decided to stick it out. And what a good choice that was! The payoff at the end is fantastic.  The twist in the final few minutes completely caught me off guard and made the whole thing a memorable and rewarding experience. It’s a haunting, surprising, and amazing finale that sticks with you long after you’ve finished watching.

Even though I’ve described much of Satan’s Triangle as “dry”, Kim Novak really does a good job in these scenes with what she has to work with.  Her somber recollections are chilling. When she says, “there’s no way off this damn boat”, you believe her. It’s just so delightfully creepy. I also very much enjoyed Alehandro Rey as the priest in Eva’s story.  Rey’s acting range throughout the film is impressive.

6/10

The Spiral Staircase (1975)

Even the actors looked bored,  29 October 2019

I really can’t be bothered to write my own plot summary for The Spiral Staircase.  It’s just not worth it. Instead, here’s the IMDb plot summary: “Helen has been incapable of speech since seeing her husband die - will she become the target of a deranged serial killer targeting disabled people?”

The Spiral Staircase really shouldn’t be this bad.  It features a fairly strong cast (including Christopher Plummer and Jacqueline Bisset), a director capable of making a solid film (see Peter Collinson’s The Italian Job), a nice set, some promising plot ideas, and what I’m going to guess was a decent sized budget.  But, unfortunately, nothing works.  

The main problem I had was with the plot - it’s a disaster.  First, there are absolutely no surprises if you’re paying the least bit of attention.  The killer all but announces himself early on. As I watched, I thought there must be a twist near the end - it couldn’t be that obvious.  But, no, I was wrong - it really is that obvious. Second, the plot is terribly dull. Director Collinson drags us from one deathly dull scene to the next.  And he’s filled the film with pointless plot threads that go nowhere other than adding minutes to the run-time. There’s no life or excitement anywhere. You can see the boredom etched on the actors’ faces.  There are scenes where Bisset looks about as bored as I was. Third, there are numerous inconsistencies in the plot. Take Gayle Hunnicutt’s Blanche with her over-the-top Southern accent. Instead of a mystery/thriller, Blanche seems to be in her own Southern Gothic romance.  Or take the death of the caretaker. He’s killed in a driving, gully-washing rainstorm, yet our killer is perfectly dry the very next time we see him. It’s sloppy film making.  

I’ll stop.  I think I’ve made my point - This version of The Spiral Staircase isn’t worthy of the title.

 3/10

Lovejoy “The Real Thing” #1.7 (1986) (TV)

“Lovejoy, you scumbag! You owe me a spiral staircase!”  29 October 2019

In this episode, Lovejoy is involved in two different plot threads involving two different fraudsters.  In the first, larger story, Lovejoy has been hired by a man named Palmer (Ray Lonnen) to help open a new antique mall.  Lovejoy smells a rat and sets out to prove Palmer isn’t who or what he claims to be. In the second, a local shopkeeper is caught up in a scam involving a forged painting.  Lovejoy decides to turn the tables and scam the scammer.   

Lovejoy is a unique character.  On the one hand, we’re on his side as he takes on forgers and scammers.  On the other hand, we root for him when he’s the one doing the forging and scamming.  Watching The Real Thing, we can’t wait for Lovejoy to expose the smug Palmer for what he really is.  But just a few minutes earlier, we loved watching Lovejoy get one over on Gimbert, when, by lying through his teeth, he basically steals a spiral staircase.  I’ve never thought about it before, but I suppose that makes Lovejoy something of a Robin Hood.

Anyway, The Real Thing is another nice episode.  It’s all just so leisurely paced, with interesting bits of mid-80s England on display.  Of the two plot threads, I enjoyed the smaller one the most. The way Lovejoy gets back at the fraudsters, using their own scam and greed against them, is a treat to watch unfold.  Another big plus for the episode is Ray Lonnen. He’s fantastic as Palmer. He’s just so perfectly arrogant and slimy that it’s a pleasure to watch him get his in the end.  

7/10

Jack Frost (1997)

“Bah humbug.”  26 October 2019

Riding in the back of a prison transport, the van carrying prisoner Jack Frost is involved in an accident on a snowy road.  During the accident, Jack is thrown from the vehicle, doused with experimental genetic material, and disintegrates into the snow.  But as the residents of Snowmonton come to learn, Jack’s not dead. His DNA has somehow bonded with the genetic material and the snow.  Jack’s back and looking for revenge as a killer snowman.     

I’m determined to keep this short, because I think I could write a book on the many problems I have with Jack Frost.  I have a friend whose opinion on movies I generally trust. He loves Jack Frost. Well, different strokes and all that, but I found Jack Frost to be one of the most infuriatingly bad movies I’ve ever seen.  It’s not funny (at no time did I as much as smile), it’s not creepy, and it’s not interesting in any way at all. Instead, it’s full of lame one-liners spit out by the most ridiculous looking snowman imaginable.  I guess that one of my biggest issues is that it tries too hard to be a “so bad it’s good” movie. It’s “cheesiness” doesn’t feel organic. Instead, it feels forced. The “best” bad movies are those that are bad without trying.  There’s charm to the ineptitude. Instead, Jack Frost is just an annoying dumpster fire of a movie.

2/10

Tragedy Girls (2017)

“To make an omelette, you have to kill some ex-boyfriends.”  26 October 2019

Best friends, Sadie Cunningham (Brianna Hildebrand) and McKayla Hooper (Alexandra Shipp) dream of becoming big social media stars.  Their plan is to take advantage of local tragedies. But to grow their audience and create more sensational content, they decide they need a serial killer in their sleepy little town.   

I wrote something similar just the other day, but it applies here as well - Tragedy Girls isn’t near as smart as it wants to be.  This isn’t Scream. I’ve seen too many movies made by filmmakers who seem to think that being “meta” is all it takes to create a clever movie.  While there are some good bits here and there (as my rating indicates), Tragedy Girls is ultimately fairly boring and predictable. I wasn’t shocked by what the girls were doing because I’ve seen it all before.  Finally, I’m sure that Brianna Hildebrand and Alexandra Shipp are fine actresses, but neither worked for me in this movie. They never drew me in. Instead, I found them and their characters generally annoying. Whether they were using some poor sap as bait in hopes of kidnapping a serial killer or butchering a classmate on their own, I couldn’t get into it because I found Sadie and McKayla so unappealing.  

4/10

The Limehouse Golem (2016)

“The public want blood. The Golem provides it.”  25 October 2019

The Limehouse Golem is a period mystery/thriller set in Victorian England just before the time of Jack the Ripper.  The Golem has committed a series of brutal murders (not unlike the Ripper), leaving tantalizing clues and mocking riddles for the police.  Scotland Yard Inspector John Kildare (Bill Nighy) is tasked with the seemingly impossible job of tracking down the Golem. Kildare develops a list of four possible suspects - one of whom has recently been killed and his widow, Lizzie Cree (Olivia Cooke),  is on trial for his murder. Kildare is convinced that by helping LIzzie, it may help unmask the Golem.

It’s difficult to write about a film like The Limehouse Golem without mentioning spoilers.  There’s a great twist at the end that I’ll do my best not to give away. I don’t think that mentioning the fact that there is a twist is a spoiler because it seems that all modern movies feature a twist near the finale.  While I’m usually pretty good at spotting movie twists, this one completely caught me off guard. I realize now that the clues were there, but like Kildare, I didn’t see them. 

As much as I enjoyed The Limehouse Golem, at first, I was put off by all the music hall nonsense.  I just about stop watching. After finishing the movie, I realize now how important these scenes are. They help establish mood and character vital to the plot.  

Visually, The Limehouse Golem is amazing.  Victorian London never looked so gloomy and dirty.  Sets, set design, costuming, lighting, and cinematography are all top notch.  Whether it’s the filthy streets, the stuffy library, and the raunchy music hall, each looks stunning it its own right and each is filmed beautifully.  The special effects also add a lot to the film. I’ve read that some people consider the blood and violence over-the-top and even gratuitous, but I couldn’t disagree more.  Murder is not a pretty thing - especially murders as gruesome as those committed by the Golem. The sudden and often unexpected violence adds immensely to the film’s overall aesthetic.  

I can’t say enough positives about the acting in this movie.  The three main actors, Nighy, Cooke, and Douglas Booth give fantastic performances.  I think I was as impressed with Booth as anyone. The extremes in his character are played to perfection.  Whether it’s performing in drag or defending himself from murder accusations, the acting is spot-on. The supporting cast is equally strong.

Finally, there’s a plot device used in The Limehouse Golem that I found particularly enjoyable and effective.  As Kildare considers each of his four suspects, he reads a portion of the killer's “diary” detailing a unique murder. As he reads, we see inside Kildare’s mind as he pictures each suspect commit the act.   It’s a unique and interesting means of telling the story.  

8/10

It Takes a Thief “The Packager” #2.6 (1968) (TV)

“Since when do thieves know how to write shorthand?”  24 October 2019

Mundy is blackmailed by a wealthy man into stealing nuclear fuel capsules from a secure facility in Florida.  Mundy faces a variety of roadblocks, including: getting into the walk-in safe where the capsules are stored, taking the capsules through the front gate without setting off the geiger counter alarm, and dealing with the man who hired him who’d just as soon see him dead.  

I’ll start this by saying that I really enjoyed The Packager.  Despite the episode’s many flaws (that I’ll get to), it’s still very entertaining.  Mundy’s cover, as a pomegranate-carrying member of the Junior Chamber, is about as funny as any he’s used so far. I appreciated the heist elements of Mundy’s mission - but who doesn’t love a heist.  Too often, Mundy is just dropped on an island or behind enemy lines with a mission laid out and a ready-made cover. Here, because he’s on his own, Mundy has to “case the joint” and think on his feet.  Finally, what’s not to like about Lee Meredith? She might not have been the best actress to appear on It Takes a Thief, but she has to be one of the most fun. Her dumb blonde rountine is a hoot. The fact she’s incredibly easy on the eyes is a plus.  

However, as much as I enjoyed The Packager, the plot’s not nearly as clever as it wants to be.  Too much is left to coincidence and luck. There are details about the nuclear facility’s operations that Mundy would have had no way of learning from his limited guided tour.  And when things go wrong, Plan B seems to be konk people on the head. This isn’t the most detailed, thorough, thought-out plan.   

7/10

Dangerous Afternoon (1961)

Looks can be deceiving,  23 October 2019

Wheelchair-bound Letty Frost (Ruth Dunning) runs a boarding house for elderly women. But these aren’t the sweet old things they at first appear.  Each has a criminal past to hide (and some hide it better than others). It’s a quiet house, until a woman with a score to settle from Miss Frost’s past pays a visit.  How much can Miss Frost take until she snaps and her genteel facade crumbles?

Overall, Dangerous Afternoon is a nice little British crime/drama. You can find far better, more exciting films, but it’s a decent enough way to spend an hour.  The acting is really strong. Though I can’t say I’m overly familiar with any of them, Dunning and the rest of the old ladies obviously knew their way around a movie set.  The way they play against type (as in the opening shoplifting scene) is often quite funny. The plot is interesting enough. It does take some time to get going and much of the story can be fairly predictable, but at about an hour, it doesn’t overstay its welcome.  At first, I didn’t understand how the subplot featuring the niece fit in, but by the end, that plot thread becomes crucial to the whole story. However, I did not care for the final scene at all. But I suppose that in 1961, a murderer couldn’t go unpunished.

Finally, I can’t end this without mentioning the music playing over the opening credits.  It was eerily reminiscent of the bombastic, overwrought, melodramatic music featured in the soap operas my grandmother watched when I was a child.  It just about put me off the film before it even began.

5/10

Lovejoy “To Sleep No More” #1.6 (1986) (TV)

“Copyist! They’re only a forger when they’re caught.”  22 October 2019

When a local forger (I mean copyist) dies, his widow seeks Lovejoy’s assistance in retrieving a stolen silver snuff box.  The box is a worthless copy, so why would anyone want to steal it? Lovejoy discovers the box may be the key to valuable cache of antiques.  

If someone were to ask me for an episode that sums up what I love about Lovejoy, I might pick To Sleep No More.  The mystery is good and, as a viewer, we’re allowed to play along. If you’re paying attention, it’s not too difficult to figure out the solution, but it’s the journey that matters.  The episode takes its time to tell the story - there’s no rush here. We’re treated to pub scenes, English countryside scenes, and posh dinner party scenes. Throw in some comedy, a bit of history, and a secret treasure vault, and To Sleep No More has it all.  We also get to see many of the different aspects of the Lovejoy character, from the rascally conniver who’s taken advantage of an unsuspecting (but not undeserving) buyer to the benevolent do-gooder disguised as a priest in his efforts to help a widow. I don’t think I’ve written much about Ian McShane’s acting, but he’s capable of playing the many facets of Lovejoy with equal aplomb.  He’s really good in To Sleep No More.  

There are still a bunch of episodes that I need to rewatch, but I can’t imagine To Sleep No More won’t make my “Best of” list when I’m finished.  

8/10

Ice Cream Man (1995)

“I guess not every day is a happy, happy, happy day!”  21 October 2019

As a young child, Gregory Tudor was witness to the violent murder of his hero, the Ice Cream King.  Years later (and after much therapy and a stint in a sanitarium), Gregory has taken over the battered ice cream truck as the Ice Cream Prince.  All he wants to do is make children happy - even if that means committing a few murders and mixing body parts into his ice cream.   

Call it a guilty pleasure, call it “so bad it’s good”, call me crazy, call it whatever you want - but I had a great time watching Ice Cream Man.  By any traditional measure, Ice Cream Man isn’t what you’d call a “good” movie. But for me, the film has a quirky vibe to it that works. I think with a little more money and a bit more creativity, Ice Cream Man could have been something like Pee Wee’s Playhouse meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Clint Howard (of all people) is fantastic as the titular Ice Cream Man. This has to be one of his best pieces of acting. He’s creepy, he’s funny, and he’s perfect for the role. Fortunately for us, Howard is in on the joke and plays the ridiculous requirements of the role with all the gusto required.  He looks like he’s having a blast. Nothing in Ice Cream Man should be taken seriously. For example, one of my favorite moments had to be the dismembered head puppet show. What a hoot! The special effects are cheap and gaudy, the murders are over-the-top, and the flashback scenes are a total trip. The supporting cast is interesting, with Olivia Hussey (of all people) being the standout.  Like Howard, she’s giving it her all. On the other end of the spectrum is Jan-Michael Vincent. You can pretty much see the disdain he has for the film written all over his face. I think he would have rather been anywhere than filming the sanitarium scene. Still, that’s just one more thing for me to enjoy.

6/10

It Takes a Thief “Get Me to the Revolution on Time” #2.5 (1968) (TV)

I can’t imagine an episode any worse than this one, 18 October 2019

The mission here is nothing special - Mundy is tasked with stealing a document from what is supposed to be an impregnable safe.  The safe has six keys held by six different individuals. Pretty routine stuff.

I never thought I’d find an episode of It Takes a Thief that I would dislike quite as much as I do Get Me to the Revolution on Time.  To sum up my feelings in one word, this episode is stupid. Where to begin? First, why not wait until the following morning to sign the contract - you know, right before the Swiss couriers arrive to pick it up?  You can’t steal a contract in the middle of the night if it hasn’t been signed. Second, why would Al try to break into the overly complicated safe? Why not steal the document AFTER the couriers have it? Third, Robert Wagner and Ivan Dixon’s attempts at accents are laughable.  You can hear Wagner’s accent change in mid-sentence. And fourth, Al’s cover is a cocktail mixologist? Huh? That’s about the stupidest thing imaginable.  

There’s really not much in Get Me to the Revolution on Time that I found enjoyable.  The lone bright spot I can think of was Morgan Woodward as Ivor Phillips. He plays a fantastic baddie.

3/10

Lovejoy “The Judas Pair” #1.5 (1986) (TV)

“Only a man with the quirks of a collector would kill for a pair of bloody guns.” 17 October 2019

Lovejoy is asked to look into the murder of a man shot through the eye during the robbery of his antique flintlock dueling pistols.  Lovejoy puts his (and Lady Jane’s) life on the line to find the pistols and uncover a murderer.  

The Judas Pair is a solid episode that finds Lovejoy in more danger than usual.   Lovejoy often talks about greed when it comes to antiques and, in this episode, we see that greed manifest itself in murder.  Lovejoy’s not only shot at, but also trapped in a burning house by a desperate murderer. I’ll credit the writing and directing in The Judas Pair for presenting a number of credible suspects that add to the mystery.  While I’m not exactly sure how Lovejoy figures everything out, especially the secret of the pistols, it’s a fun watch. And there’s quite a bit of tension built up in that final showdown with the murderer.  

In most cases, I never really know how accurate the show is when it comes to history and antiques.  Is The Judas Pair a real thing? Did a gunsmith really make a pistol for the King like the one presented here?  I don’t know, but it certainly makes for interesting and entertaining television.  

Finally, I must mention Anthony Valentine in the role of Michael Seymour.  Of all the guest stars in the first five episodes, he’s the standout. It’s a shame he only came back to do one more episode.  I would have loved to see him join Lovejoy in a semi-regular recurring role.    

7/10

Lovejoy “Friends, Romans and Enemies” #1.4 (1986) (TV)

“You’ll never make the upper classes, Lovejoy; you’re too much of a snob.” 16 October 2019

To get Gimbert off his back, Lovejoy agrees to sort through some junk left over after an estate sale.  The dead man was something of an eccentric and, as Lovejoy discovers, a man who may have known the whereabouts of a treasure in Roman gold coins.  Lovejoy’s suspicions seem to be proven correct when a couple of long-lost American “relatives” turn up to collect their uncle’s possessions. Can Lovejoy solve the dead man’s riddles and find the treasure first?

As I’ve stated over and over, I love Lovejoy.  But, Friends, Romans and Enemies is not among my favorite episodes.  It’s still good - all Lovejoy episodes are worth watching - but it doesn’t work as well on me as most of the others.  I think my main problem is that there is too much plot for the 50+ minute runtime. The story here could have easily been stretched out into a two-parter.  When you squeeze it all down into one episode, a lot of the details get lost. How do all the dead man’s clues fit together? How did Lovejoy know to go to the Isle of Man?  How did Jane and Eric (and the baddies for that matter) know where to find Lovejoy? Every time I watch this episode, I’m left with a lot of questions. It’s not that I need plot points spoonfed to me, but I miss the leisurely pace of most Lovejoy episodes where discovering the details is part of the fun.  

Another issue I had with Friends, Romans and Enemies was some of the acting, particularly on the part of Catherine Strauss as Nicole - one of the American “relatives”.  She’s not horrible, but she’s not up the level of acting you find in the rest of the cast.  

6/10

Lovejoy “The Sting” #1.3 (1986) (TV)

“I need you, Lovejoy. Since my wife died, I need someone to hate.” 15 October 2019

Lovejoy agrees to help a woman retrieve a couple of small antique statues. But when Lovejoy’s nemesis, Gimbert, gets his hands on the figures, out of spite, he’s not about to turn them over.  Lovejoy concocts a con to get the statues from Gimbert.

The Sting is a perfect example of why I love Lovejoy.  First, there’s the unharmonious relationship between Gimbert and Lovejoy.  They feed off making the other miserable. When Gimbert says, “I need, you Lovejoy.  Since my wife died, I need someone to hate”, he means it. Second, Malcolm Tierney is so good at playing the vindictive Charlie Gimbert that it’s hard not to cheer for Lovejoy even when he’s doing things that skirt the law (or at least ethics).  It’s always a joy to watch Tierney’s face when Lovejoy gets the better of him. It’s a nice piece of underappreciated acting. Third, The Sting features one of those interesting cons that are always a pleasure to watch unfold. As a viewer, I’m usually lost when it comes to what Lovejoy is up to.  Fortunately, by the end of the episode, it all comes clear and we see just how brilliant the scheme really was. And fourth, all of the regular characters get a chance to shine and play a part in the plan. Tinker, Eric, and Lady Jane each have a role if they are to successfully put one over on Gimbert.  Really fun stuff.

I think I wrote a long time ago that, to me, Lovejoy was “comfortable” television.  And there’s no better example of that than The Sting. Grab a snack and get comfy on the couch - that’s the best way to enjoy Lovejoy.

8/10

Jonny Quest “The Sea Haunt” #1.26 (1965) (TV)

“Don’t worry, Bandit.  Nothing will happen to you that won’t happen to the rest of us.” 14 October 2019

The Quest team discover an abandoned freighter in the Java Sea.  The captain's log indicates the crew were attacked by some sort of creature from deep beneath the sea.  After the Quest's plane is destroyed by the same monster, the team will have to use their wits to survive.

The Sea Haunt is a solid final episode in the Jonny Quest series.  The creature animation is a bit weak by the standards of the series, but it does come across as a dangerous being.  The creature looks a bit like The Creature from the Black Lagoon - with a tail. The strength is comparable as the creature has no problems destroying a plane and trashing a ship. He represents a real threat to Jonny and Co.  The group uses whatever is at their disposal to ward off the creature until they can be rescued. That’s one of the things that always impressed me about the series - the groups resourcefulness and intelligence. Overall, good storytelling and a fun episode.  

A few random thoughts:

1. Those acetylene torches were more like flamethrowers.  I don’t think that’s the way they actually operate.

2. I love the way Dr Quest and Race discuss the creature and its undersea origin like it’s the most normal thing in the world.  

3. The Sea Haunt does feature some unfortunate racial stereotyping.  I’m glad Charlie was the one who saved the day.

7/10

Hell House LLC (2015)

Creepy, but it could have been better, 13 October 2019

Found footage horror movie set in an abandoned hotel that some enterprising young people hope to turn into an elaborate Halloween haunted house.  But on opening night, things go horribly wrong and 15 people end up dead. An investigative journalist sets out to uncover the truth of Hell House.  

When Hell House LLC works, it’s incredibly effective.  There are parts of the film that really creeped me out.  If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s clowns. So, when dead-looking clown mannequins start moving mysteriously in the night, it’s uber-creepy to me..  Throw in a basement with Satanic drawings on the wall and old bibles scattered on the floor and I’m ready to hide until it’s all over. The backstory of the hotel and the hotel itself are also pluses for the film.  You get a weird, spooky vibe from the building even before anyone sets foot inside it. Finally, I like the fact that Hell House LLC is really two found footage movies in one. I won’t spoil anything, but the twist at the end worked on me.  

But as my rating would indicate, all is not perfect with Hell House LLC.  I have two chief complaints. First, almost every character involved in the haunted house preparation is as annoying as sin.  The entire time I was watching, I just hoped Paul and Danny would be among the dead. Second, and more importantly, not a single character in the movie displayed an ounce of common sense.  You hear strange things in the night - what do you do? Walk around with a camera and a weak flashlight? Well that’s what these people do. Turn on the damn lights! The lights work - use them.  And after you’ve seen strange things that shouldn’t happen (like a dead-looking clown moving around), do you get out? Not if you’re these lunkheads. The first time I saw some of the happenings they see, I’d be on the first bus out of town.  But because the characters in this movie act without an iota of common sense, they’re like lambs led to slaughter.

Overall, a real mixed bag.  Hell House LLC is creepy enough, but the characters really hurt my enjoyment.  

5/10

The Bride and the Beast (1958)

Horribly predictable, 11 October 2019

Things take a weird turn for newlyweds Laura and Dan when Laura finds herself strangely mesmerized by - maybe even attracted to - a gorilla.  It seems that Dan keeps a gorilla in a cage in his basement like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Oh, and he forgot to mention his basement gorilla to Laura prior to the wedding.  Nice surprise! Through hypnosis, Laura learns she was a gorilla in a previous life. As the newlyweds head off to Africa for a honeymoon, it’s pretty easy to see where this thing is headed.  It’s that predictable.  

Beyond being predictable, The Bride and the Beast meanders it’s way through about an hour of runtime with little to advance the main plot.  Instead, the movie gets sidetracked into a story about tigers loose in Africa (don’t ask). By the time we get back to the gorillas, I’d almost completely forgotten what the movie was supposed to be about.  And when it’s not dealing with the silly tiger plot thread, the runtime is filled with some wonderfully dull padding. Wandering through the jungle, stock footage of animals, and watching Dan rub his face - that’s part of the excitement of The Bride and the Beast.  

In short, The Bride and the Beast is a mess of a film.  It wasn't much of a surprise to discover that the schizophrenic plot was at least partially written by Ed Wood.  It’s that incompetent.  

2/10

El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie (2019)

Aaron Paul is incredible,, 11 October 2019

I’m not going to go into any real plot details so as not to spoil the ending of Breaking Bad.  Instead, I’ll just say that El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie (or just El Camino for the rest of this) tells Jesse Pinkman’s story immediately following the events in the series finale.  

The thing I absolutely loved about El Camino was seeing Aaron Paul play Jesse Pinkman one more time.  I thought he was good in the series - as good as Bryan Cranston - but here, he takes his acting up a notch.  Watching him play the beaten and frightened Jesse, it’s truly amazing. I could almost feel the pain Jesse was going through.  Paul doesn’t even speak much for a big hunk of the first part of the movie, but he’s still able to express his feelings quite clearly.  It’s really an acting masterclass from Paul.

The plot is okay.  It’s a very slow moving film with just a couple of action set-pieces to break up the drama.  But while it may be slow, it ever feels like a long movie. It’s about the fastest 2+ hours I’ve spent watching a movie recently.  When the action does come, it’s expertly handled just as you’d expect from Vince Gilligan. And the ending is perfect. Gilligan fittingly wraps up Jesse’s story as neat and tidy as you could hope. 

My main complaint is that El Camino never really feels like the big movie I was hoping for.  Not that that’s a bad thing, but I expected more. Breaking Bad told a larger than life story with outlandish characters, incredible dialogue, over-the-top violence, and amazing plot twists.  El Camino, in comparison, is much more laid back and doesn’t feature a lot of the elements that I loved in the show.  

The other thing that bothered me about El Camino was all the fan service.  Other than Jesse, all of the other characters / actors have little more than cameos.  It was nice to see some of them again, but a lot of them don’t do much. 

6/10

Missile X: The Neutron Bomb Incident (1979)

- Missile X - Geheimauftrag Neutronenbombe
Not very good, but it can be quite hilarious, 8 October 2019

A US secret agent and his Soviet counterpart are hot on the trail of a madman with a stolen nuclear missile.  The meet-up in Iran and decide to work together to save the world.  

This is yet another case where I readily admit the movie in question isn’t very good.  To me, however, there is some (some - not a lot - just some) entertainment to be had in Missile X: The Neutron Bomb Incident (we’ll shorten that to Missile X for the rest of this).  Granted, much of the enjoyment I derived from Missile X wasn’t what the filmmakers were going for, but this film is quite often unintentionally hilarious. I’ll limit this to three examples.  First, there’s Peter Graves as the Bond-like hero, Alex Franklin. It’s near impossible to take him seriously. He’s far too old for the role. And watching him put the moves on some young woman is just plain hysterical.  Next, Missile X features some of the worst (and funniest) fight choreography I’ve seen. There’s a hotel casino fight that had me laughing out loud. Or the shoot-out between the good guys and the bad guys where they're no more than 10 feet apart, yet no one gets hit.  Third, there’s the ridiculous music accompanying almost every scene. It has 70s feel to it that is totally out of place in Missile X. It’s hard not to giggle when even the most mundane events, like getting in a taxi, are backed by a loud, funky organ riff.  

I suppose that one of the most interesting aspects of Missile X are shots of pre-Revolution Iran.  Other than the Iran bits and laugh or two, there’s not much here to recommend.  

4/10

The House on Sorority Row (1983)

“You’re the last one of your friends alive.  You’re the bait.” , 7 October 2019

A group of sorority sisters decide to play a prank on their vindictive house mother, but things go horribly wrong and the woman is killed. With a party about to begin, the girls decide to hide the body in an abandoned pool until they can decide what to do.  When their friends go missing and the woman’s body disappears, the girls are convinced she’s come back to seek revenge. Meanwhile, the whitest party ever put on film carries on like nothing’s going on.

 I’ve always found The House on Sorority Row to be a lot of fun with some creepy moments and a few nice death scenes.  As with a lot of films of this type, the best parts only happen once the final girl is running for her life - and here, she has to do it will half-drugged out of her mind.  And that finale always gives me the creeps. The first time I saw this movie, when the killer makes his presence known near the end, I about jumped out of my seat.  It really worked on me. If you can get past some of the acting and a murky plot point or two, The House on Sorority Row can be a very effective, little, low-budget 80s horror movie.

Reading reviews around the internet tonight, I’m a little shocked to see how much hate The House on Sorority Row gets. I can’t tell you how many times I read that it’s cliched or unoriginal.  While I agree that it does borrow from some of the slashers that came before, a lot of what you’ll see here has been copied endlessly since the film’s release. The prank gone wrong, the college / sorority house setting, the exposition-filled flashback - they weren’t the standard slasher movie tropes then that they are now.  When I saw this in the theater in 1983, it was as fresh and innovative as any of the boatload of other slashers being pumped out.  

7/10