Cat-Women of the Moon (1953)

"I love you, Doug, and I must kill you!", 29 April 2008

Talk about déjà vu. I feel like I've seen this movie several times recently. It may be older than either Missile to the Moon, Queen of Outer Space, or Fire Maidens from Outer Space, but I saw those first. So for me, watching Cat-Women of the Moon is like watching what is essentially the same movie for the fourth time. And despite the familiarity and a whole slew of other weaknesses, I found myself enjoying it. The 2.5 IMDb rating seems a bit harsh – especially when you consider the rating for Missile to the Moon. Not only does Missile to the Moon follow almost the exact same plot, but it appears to even reuse some of the props (giant puppet spiders) from Cat-Women of the Moon.

The story – five astronauts blast off for the moon only to meet a race of women whose world is slowly being destroyed. The women (known for some inexplicable reason as Cat-Women in this movie) want to use the astronaut's spaceship to take them to Earth to find a new world to conquer.

Maybe I'm just weird, but I get a kick out of some of the same things that a lot of other comments bang on. Weak set design (metal rolling office chairs with a seat belts used in the "spaceship"), poor special effects (once again, the giant puppet spiders), bad acting (could Sonny Tufts be any worse), and bad science (just watch as a cigarette burns on the moon!) – you'll find them all in Cat-Women of the Moon. But it's this naiveté to the whole thing that I can't help but enjoy. It might not be for everyone, but I'll give it a 6/10 even with all its flaws.

6/10

My Name Is Trinity (1970)

- Lo chiamavano Trinità...
"Welcome, brothers!", 28 April 2008

I am by no means an expert on the 19 or so Terence Hill / Bud Spencer films. But of the handful I have been able to see, They Call Me Trinity just might be my favorite. I distinctly remember watching this movie over 30 years ago and thinking it was one of funniest, most enjoyable movies I had ever seen. Re-watching it last night, I realized that, although my opinion isn't quite as high as it once was, I still enjoyed They Call Me Trinity immensely. It's not perfect, but it sure it fun. Hill and Spencer play off each other as well as any of the better known Hollywood duos. They complement each other in both style and appearance. There are a few moments that had me laughing out loud. Their first meeting with the Mexican bandits while unintentionally disguised as Mormons is one of these moments. Hill also has some particularly funny scenes on his own. One that I remembered from my first viewing three decades ago was the scene where Hill eats the entire plate of beans. Good stuff! And who doesn't get a kick out of the dust-covered Hill being pulled along behind his horse. It's a classic image right up there with Django dragging the coffin through the mud. There's just something about both of these scenes that I find very funny.

But what I really enjoy the most is the way They Call Me Trinity makes fun of some of the better known Spaghetti Western clichés. There are several examples I could use, but I'll just cite one. In most Spaghetti Westerns, the main character is usually an expert shot. So expert, in fact, that they almost never miss. Look at Lee Van Cleef in Sabata or Clint Eastwood in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly for example. Van Cleef's Sabata is able to his any target at any distance and Eastwood's Blondie has no problem hitting the rope about to hang Tuco. Trinity takes this already exaggerated ability to the absurd. As seen in the one of the bar fights, Trinity can hit targets behind his back - without looking. If you're a fan of these movies, you'll enjoy They Call Me Trinity's poke at Spaghetti Western conventions.

8/10

Poirot "Murder in Mesopotamia" #8.2 (2001) (TV)

Wonderful setting, but a ridiculous plot point, 22 April 2008

Summoned to Baghdad at the behest of a Russian Countess, Hercule Poirot (David Suchet) instead finds himself mixed up in a murder at a nearby archaeological dig. This is, however, no ordinary murder. With only one entrance to the room the woman was found in and several witnesses to the fact that no on entered or exited, Poirot will have to come up with a clever solution to trap a clever killer.

Even with my 6/10 rating, I feel I may have overrated Murder in Mesopotamia. It's got some good points – the exotic Tunisian locations standing in for Iraq, David Suchet, the archaeological dig setting, and an interesting, if improbable, means of murder. And there's something extra appealing about a locked room type mystery. But Murder in Mesopotamia suffers from one hugely ridiculous plot point that I am completely unable to overlook. It's not really the fault of the makers of this adaptation - instead, I lay the blame squarely at Agatha Christie's original work. - BIG SPOILERS AHEAD – Are we really supposed to believe that Mrs. Leidner could marry a man and not realize he was her supposedly dead first husband? I cannot fathom something so far-fetched as this actually happening. I don't care how much his face has changed, I'm unwilling to take that kind of leap in logic. I've always thought it was one of the silliest things Christie ever wrote. Unless she was a complete idiot, surely Mrs. Leidner would have realized at some point that she had married the same man twice. – END OF BIG SPOILERS

6/10

Poirot "Murder on the Links" #6.3 (1996) (TV)

Other than a poorly timed flashback, not much to complain about, 21 April 2008

While on holiday with his friend, Captain Hastings, renowned detective Hercule Poirot is pressed into service to help solve a murder. A very wealthy man's body has been discovered in a sand bunker at a golf course with a knife in his back. His wife is found bound and gagged with a story of two Chilean kidnappers that took her husband in the middle of the night. With no other witnesses, the police quite naturally believe the woman's story. But to Poirot, these events seem oddly familiar and quite suspicious. Poirot must look back into the past to stop a killer from murdering again in the future.

As with Hickory Dickory Dock (which I wrote about yesterday), Murder on the Links is a good episode, just not a great one. There are a number of changes from Agatha Christie's original work – most I didn't really care for. I suppose, however, one has to expect that certain creative licenses will be taken to adapt Christie's books to the screen. And other than one significant issue I have with an early flashback (which I will get to in a moment), most of the mystery elements from the book are here and most work satisfactorily. The acting is nice. I've run out of positives to say about David Suchet. He, quite simply, IS Poirot. Hugh Fraser gives another wonderfully understated performance as Poirot's Dr. Watson, Captain Hastings. The supporting cast is strong, but none of the actors really stand out above the others. Another big plus for Murder on the Links is the attention to detail taken in the sets and the setting. I'm no expert, but the movie looks like it's straight out of the 1930s. Sure, there are one or two discrepancies here and there, but overall, the movie looks incredible. The train station and the hotel are both amazing.

My biggest complaint with Murder on the Links comes from a flashback at the very beginning of the movie. Certain key elements of the mystery are revealed way to early in the script. You find out things within the first 5 minutes that would have been best left until near the end. Otherwise, I don't have any other significant issues with this installment of the Poirot series. A 7/10 seems about right to me.

7/10

Poirot "Hickory Dickory Dock" #6.2 (1995) (TV)

"These psychologists, most of them are balmy themselves.", 20 April 2008

A series of random, seemingly insignificant thefts at her sister's boarding house has Miss Lemon quite agitated. A ring, light bulbs, a rucksack, a lighter, a stethoscope, a shoe – there seems to be no rhyme or reason to any of it. Miss Lemon asks her employer, the great Belgian detective Hercule Poirot, to look into the matter. But what Poirot sees is something far more sinister than Miss Lemon could have imagined. And Poirot's fears are confirmed when one of the students living in the boarding house if found murdered. It's up to Poirot to bring a killer to justice.

Hickory Dickory Dock is a solid, but not spectacular, entry in the long running Poirot series. I appreciate how faithful the script is to Agatha Christie's original story. I realize that certain liberties had to be taken, but I appreciate the effort nonetheless. The major points of the mystery are all there – the petty thefts, the boarding house, the students, the ripped rucksack, and, of course, Poirot's ability to see something sinister going on before it actually happens. With a few exceptions, the cast of students is almost as I pictured them. Damian Lewis and Jessica Lloyd standout among the group. As mush as I always enjoy David Suchet's Poirot, I get a real kick out of the episodes with Phillip Jackson's Inspector Japp and Pauline Moran's Miss Lemon. This episode is a real treat as Miss Lemon gets more screen time than usual. Finally, I enjoyed the use of the ever present mouse as an observer of the activities in the hostel. It's a fun little play on the Hickory Dickory Dock title.

I realized while re-watching Hickory Dickory Dock just what a tremendous influence Agatha Christie's work was on the highly stylized Italian mystery films, or Gialli, of the 60s and 70s. Take the murder of Mrs. Nicoletis as an example. If you were to bump up the graphic nature of the scene, you would have something straight out of an early 70s Giallo. In fact, the entire plot of Hickory Dickory Dock could have been used in a Giallo. It's just convoluted and interesting enough to have worked.

7/10

Poirot "Taken at the Flood" #10.4 (2006) (TV)

One of poorest entries in the series, 19 April 2008

From IMDb: "Hercule Poirot finds himself trying to solve the mystery of the Cloade family. Rosaleen is the young widow of Gordon Cloade who was killed in a gas explosion in his London home. Rosaleen has inherited her late husband's substantial fortune and she and her brother David Hunter are refusing to share it with other members of Gordon Cloade's family. There have been persistent rumors that Rosaleen's first husband, an intrepid explorer, is still alive and as such would nullify her marriage to Gordon. What Poirot learns however is of a far greater deception that will alter everyone's perception of what they believe to their reality."

Taken at the Flood has to be one of my very least favorite of the entire Poirot series (I disliked it so much that I didn't even bother to write my own plot synopsis). I was never a huge fan of the book, but this adaptation has some real weaknesses and problems that I just can't get past. Chief among them is that it never "feels" like an Agatha Christie story. Who decided to sauce up Christie's work with all the sex and talk of abortion? I suppose it was done in an attempt to attract the more modern viewer. What about those of us who watch these movies because they aren't filled with the same garbage you can find in every other modern movie? Beyond the bastardization of Chirsite's novel, the denouement is terribly disappointing. Poirot brings up things about a murder that happened years ago that, not only would Poirot have had no way of knowing, the audience couldn't begin to come up with the solution. Kreskin couldn't have come up with half the things Poirot reveals. And it's not as much fun when you can't play along. I realize that Christie would often spring a surprise or two during one of Poirot's final monologues, but here Poirot offers no proof. Based on the evidence, his accusations seems to be little more than wild speculation.

4/10

Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)

- Le spie vengono dal semifreddo
I love Bava, but this movie is almost unwatchable, 18 April 2008

Mario Bava is responsible for some of my all-time favorite movies. Black Sunday, Kill Baby…Kill, Danger: Diabolik, Black Sabbath, and Blood and Black Lace are all in my top 100. I guess you could call me a Bava fanboy. As far as I'm concerned, Mario Bava was a genius and one of the greatest directors ever. I even love the movie that Bava considered his worst – Five Dolls for an August Moon. However, if he thought of Five Dolls for an August Moon as his worst then (as I wrote in my comment for that movie) "I guess Bava never had the misfortune of watching his movie Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs". I take it that there are some difference between the Italian version and the American version, but I doubt they'd change my opinion much. Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs is just that – a complete and utter BOMB of a movie. Other than Vincent Price's gleeful performance as Dr. Goldfoot, I can't think of another positive thing to mention. The plot is ridiculous. The acting is abysmal. The comedy, especially on the part of the two Italian buffoons Franco Franchi and Ciccio Ingrassia (maybe it's a cultural thing), isn't funny at all. The music is terrible. The final chase scene is noteworthy for being just so incredibly stupid. And there are none of the Bava directorial trademarks or flourishes that I've come enjoy. And to top it all off, the dubbing is simply atrocious. I normally don't complain too much about dubbing, but in this case the whole movie has a hollow, staged sound to it. In the end, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs is so bad that it makes Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine (the first of the two Goldfoot movies) look like a masterpiece of cinema (which it most definitely isn't). As much as I hate to do it, I've got to give this Mario Bava film a 2/10.

2/10

Return to the Planet of the Apes "Screaming Wings" #1.6 (1975) (TV)

An ape with wings?, 14 April 2008

As far as the story is concerned, "Screaming Wings" is one of the best episodes I've seen so far. In this episode, Urko has acquired an operational, vintage, WWII airplane. Jeff, Bill, and Judy realize that with an airplane, the humanoids do not stand a chance. They've got to steal Urko's plane and do so before his big unveiling.

This is a really interesting episode. It includes lots of action (that the animation is unfortunately unable to keep up with), some suspense, and a nice bit of comedy at the end. "Screaming Wings" is also a very PC episode in that Judy finally gets the chance to shine. My only complaint (beside the ever worsening animation) is how readily Urko is to accept the plane and his willingness to use it. What I mean is that the plane obviously came from an advanced civilization that existed prior to the apes. Such a notion in the ape world would be considered heresy. I don't care what military advantage the plane might have given the apes – they would have destroyed it for going against their beliefs.

7/10

Return to the Planet of the Apes "River of Flames" #1.13 (1975) (TV)

Thanks, Urko, 14 April 2008

I guess I'll begin this with the now standard episode number disclaimer. What IMDb lists as Episode 13 is actually Episode 7. I'm not sure why the episodes originally aired out of order, but the series' story arc makes more sense if you follow the episode order of the DVD set.

Anyway, in "River of Flames", a hologram of Judy makes an unexpected appearance. Judy asks Jeff and Bill to bring her the laser they salvaged form the spaceship. The Underdwellers need it to create holes in the side of their mountain hideout to vent the rising lava. But before Jeff and Bill can do this, General Urko finds their laser and takes it. Now Jeff and Bill will have to figure out a way to get their laser back if they are to save Judy and the Underdwellers.

Overall, "River of Flames" is pretty much an average episode. The highlights include Urko getting the laser and Jeff and Bill's plan to get it back. It was also really cool how Urko accidentally provided the venting of the volcano when he shelled the mountain. One thing that bugged me was Jeff and Bill's reaction to seeing Judy. They've gone several episodes without even mentioning her name and now all of a sudden they're hell-bent on getting her out alive. Finally, I'm interested in seeing how Jeff and Bill's relationship with Krador changes now that they've done something good for him and his people.

6/10

Next (2007)

"It happened. It just hasn't happened yet.", 14 April 2008

What a load! Next has to be one of the most contrived pieces of garbage to come down the pike in quite a while. To begin, the plot is utterly ridiculous. Nicholas Cage is Chris Johnson, a man who has the ability to see two minutes into the future. For some reason known only to her, FBI Agent Callie Ferris (Julianne Moore) is looking for Johnson to help her stop a terrorist attack. For some reason known only to them, the terrorists are also looking for Johnson. For obvious reasons, Johnson is looking for Liz Cooper (Jessica Biel). And for no fathomable reason, Liz falls for Johnson. Oh yeah, and there's a nuclear weapon about to explode.

I'm determined that I'm not going to waste a lot of time writing about Next. It would be easy to get sucked in and go through the laundry list of things that infuriated me while watching the movie. Things like why in the world is the FBI wasting so much money and time on find a two-bit Vegas showman with a little psychic ability? If they spent that much on locating the terrorists, they would have never gotten into the country. Another topic I could beat like a dead horse is why in the world would Jessica Biel's character give Cage a second look? From the creepy hair and smile to his even creepier stalker-like obsession, she'd be getting a restraining order if Next were based in reality. Instead, I'll focus this on Next's gimmick. Using his psychic ability and seeing what's about to happen to him, Johnson is able to change the future. We, the audience, get to see the future Johnson sees and then see what he does to make it different. For example, we see two people get shot right in front of Johnson. But that wasn't reality – that was Johnson looking into the future. We then see the same scene play out only this time Johnson does something to stop the killer. Next, Johnson's car is hit by a train. Wait a minute – that was just Johnson's vision of the future. He's able to speed up and beat the train. The first time it happens it's actually pretty cool. But when it happens over and over, it gets old very fast. And by the time we discover that the entire second half of the movie is just one of Johnson's visions of the future, it gets insulting. It's kind of like Groundhog Day – except Groundhog Day is a good movie and Next is a piece of crap. As I wrote to begin this – what a load!!

2/10

Poirot "After the Funeral" #10.3 (2006) (TV)

"To be right all the time might get a bit monotonous.", 13 April 2008

Richard Abernethie, a very wealthy man, has died and his relatives have assembled for his funeral. Included in the funeral party is Abernathie's youngest sister Cora Galaccio. While none of the family has seen Cora in at least 20 years, they all agree that Cora was always a bit different. So when Cora says something about Abemethie having been murdered, most laugh it off as one of Cora's eccentricities. But someone is obviously taking Cora seriously. The next day, Cora is found dead in her bed having been beaten violently. Is there a connection between the two deaths? It's up to Hercule Poirot to find a killer.

After the Funeral is one of the most well put together episodes of the entire Poirot series. I've always been a fan of this particular Agatha Christie book and, from what I remember, the movie is as faithful to Christie's source material as any of the Poirot installments. The mystery is top notch with plenty of clues, suspects, and red herrings. And as I've written before, I always enjoy an Christie story where Hercule Poirot gathers everyone together in a drawing room for the final reveal. It might be old fashioned, but that's the way I like it. Getting beyond the plot, technically and artistically After the Funeral is a winner. Sets, editing, direction, and cinematography are as good as you'll find in one of these movies. The acting is equally impressive. I've come to expect an enjoyable performance from David Suchet as Poirot and he doesn't disappoint here. The rest of the cast is just as strong with Monica Dolan giving an especially noteworthy performance. Other than a minor quibble with the rapid fire way the characters are introduced, I've got no real complaints. It's a good show all the way around.

8/10

Missile to the Moon (1958)

I'm still waiting for the evening gown portion of the show, 12 April 2008

Fans of serious science fiction need not bother. In fact, to call Missile to the Moon a "science fiction" movie is something of a misstatement. "Fiction" – sure. "Science" – not on your life. Any resemblance Missile to the Moon may have with actual science is purely coincidental and, most likely, unintentional. But that doesn't mean it's not entertaining. Taken for what it is (a 1958 low-budget drive-in b-movie), it's not half bad. Sure, the rock creatures look fake and the giant spider is obviously a puppet and the inhabitants of the moon are straight off an Atlantic City beauty show runway, but all these things only add to the fun of the movie. It's kooky stuff like this that always seems to appeal to me. Don't take it too seriously and you just might enjoy it. There are a couple of other positives. One, the film is nicely paced so that at only 78 minutes it doesn't overstay its welcome. And two, the movie looks far better than it should given its meager budget. I'd say that the cinematographer, Meredith M. Nicholson, got it right. In the end, Missile to the Moon may not be the greatest movie ever made, but as a piece of entertainment, it's certainly better than its 2.4 IMDb rating. For what it's worth, I'll give it a 6/10.

6/10

Two-Lane Blacktop (1971)

"Performance and image, that's what it's all about.", 12 April 2008

I watched Two-Lane Blacktop last night for the first time and all I can say is "Wow". While I may not be one of those who proclaims it to be the greatest movie ever filmed, it is certainly a fine piece of American cinema. I'm not sure I've ever seen a film quite like it. That's because there aren't many directors out there like Monte Hellman with the guts or patience to make something like Two-Lane Blacktop. For starters, the cast includes non-actors in three of the four main roles. I think all do a wonderful job and their lack of experience (James Taylor being the best example) actually worked in the movie's favor. The fourth actor, Warren Oates, gives another amazing performance.

Next, Hellman made a 102 minute movie that has about 15 minutes of dialogue. But you know what, it doesn't need any more. Taylor as The Driver and Dennis Wilson as The Mechanic don't need to talk. Their car does all the talking for them. And when they do talk (except for a rare, poignant moment near the end of the film when The Driver shows a hint of humanity), their conversations revolve around carburetors and such. Anyway, Oates' character, GTO, does enough talking for everyone.

Hellman also made a movie with so little action (other than a few race scenes) that some people look at it and see nothing. I don't know how many comments I've read that call Two-Lane Blacktop "boring" or "dull". I see a lot going on in the movie but I think it's either too subtle for some people or they don't have the patience to just go along with it. The movie can most likely be interpreted a number of ways, but to me Two-Lane Blacktop is the story of four people on a journey. For The Driver and The Mechanic, they may have found what they're looking for in their car. The thrill of the next race and the challenge of the next tune-up are all that matters to them. As for GTO, he's looking for his life. He spins wild tales hoping one will stick. And The Girl is looking for someone to take care of her. The Driver, The Mechanic, and GTO are nice enough, but all are so into their own reality that they are incapable of giving The Girl what she needs.

Finally, I've read all the charges that Two-Lane Blacktop has no ending. I'll argue that it ends the only way it could. Just because the movie's over, it doesn't mean that any of the four characters have finished their quests. They started the movie looking for something and they end it the same way.

I'll stop there. I just hope my ramblings aren't quite as incoherent as they seem. In the end, I can easily see why this movie's not for everyone, but for me, Two-Lane Blacktop works – and works well. It's an amazing experience that I'm glad I finally had . For what it's worth, I'll give it a 8/10. That rating will most likely go up after a repeat viewing now that I know what to expect.

8/10

The Astro-Zombies (1968)

Believe it or not, but the ingredients are here for an interesting, surreal movie, 11 April 2008

The plot of The Astro-Zombies is so convoluted that I'm not sure I can sum it up in just a few short sentences - but I'll give it a try. It seems that a series of gristly murders is being blamed on a Dr. DeMarco (John Carradine). Until recently, Dr. DeMarco worked for the government on a top secret project where he was attempting to develop a synthetic man. The synthetic or astro-man was thought to be ideal for long range space flight. The CIA theorizes that Dr. DeMarco has succeeded in creating an astro-man and that it may be responsible for the murders. In addition, a group of spies, headed by a woman named Satana (Tura Satana), is also looking for Dr. DeMarco. They represent a foreign party interested in Dr. DeMarco's discoveries.

You know, I could sit here and go through a litany of weaknesses found in The Astro-Zombies. But I'll be honest, that's too easy and, ultimately, too time consuming. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. So I'll stick to the biggest problem I had with The Astro-Zombies and that's how deadly dull much of the movie is. There are great big chunks of the movie where nothing happens. I don't mean it's just slow - I mean there's absolutely nothing going on. For example, there are a series of scenes with Dr. DeMarco preparing his lab for an experiment that seem to go on FOREVER! Vials are filled, switches are thrown, microscopes are peered through, and on and on it goes. No dialogue – just mundane, routine scenes of people trying to look busy. I swear that at one point it looked like Carradine was working on a thermostat. And who wouldn't want to see John Carradine do a little home repair project?

But as bad as The Astro-Zombies is, the movie's not a total loss. There's enough bizarreness here that someone with a little talent might have gotten something interesting out of it. I'll go so far to argue that a good editor might be able to shave a half-hour off the thing and come up with an interesting, surreal movie. The ingredients are here – CIA operatives, John Carradine, mutant creatures, a secret lab, Tura Satana (who's pretty surreal in her own right), a hunchbacked lab assistant, violent attack scenes, an unknown woman in a bikini strapped to a table, and enough scientific hokum for two movies. But until someone takes the time to put this movie together, the best I can give The Astro-Zombies is a 3/10.

3/10

Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow (1959)

These are some of the most clean-cut, white-bread kids imaginable., 11 April 2008

It looks like bad news for the kids of the local hot rod club. They're about to be thrown out of the building they've used as their clubhouse. And with no place to go, that will mean an end to their club. Just when things look their bleakest, an aunt of one of the club's members offers the kids the use of a house she owns in the appropriately named Dragstrip Hollow. The only catch is that the house is supposed to be haunted.

Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow has proved to be a difficult movie for me to get my hands around. To begin with, this has to be the strangest hot rod club I've run across in a movie. These are some of the most clean-cut, white-bread kids imaginable. In comparison, they make Wally and the Bev look like delinquents. They're respectful of others, they wear suits and dresses to parties, they don't rumble, and, most shocking of all, they don't race. Huh? A hot rod club that has a bylaw prohibiting its members from racing? Weird! The rival hot rod club is no better. When the rival gang decides to crash a party, they do so dressed to the nines - suits, ties, and party dresses. And while I found a lot to enjoy, there are too many big problems with the movie to call it good. On the positive side, I enjoyed the incredibly catchy music, the energy of the cast, and the lighthearted fun of it all. On the negative side there's the lack of any real plot, the hokey haunted house and its "resolution", and some really poor acting. In the end, however, the pendulum ends up on the negative side because of two things I found in Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow that are so egregious they're unforgivable – the ridiculously annoying talking bird and the even more ridiculously annoying talking car. Ugh!

Edit: Despite the problems with Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow, I've found myself oddly drawn back to it. I've now seen the movie three times in the past couple of days. There seems to be more here than I first gave it credit for. Even the bird and car aren't bothering me as much. I think a change in my rating to a 6/10 is in order.

6/10

The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966)

It may be stupid, but it's so much fun, 10 April 2008

I realize that most people who have seen The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini will look at my rating and decide I need to have my head examined. I readily admit that it's one of the stupidest movies I've seen recently. I am perfectly capable of seeing all of the same problems in the movie that all of the other reviews or comments point out. Yes, the beach movie was on its last leg when The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini was made. Yes, there is no plot. Yes, most of the comedy is incredibly lame. Yes, Tommy Kirk is beyond terrible. Yes, Harvey Lembeck was way too old to play a rebellious motorcycle leader. Yes, Benny Rubin's Chicken Feather character is offensive. Yes, Deborah Walley is no Annette Funicello. Yes, Boris Karloff has little more than an extended cameo that almost appears to have been an afterthought. Yes, I see all these problems and more in The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini, but for whatever reason, the movie is still a lot of fun. I had a blast watching Nancy Sinatra sing "Geronimo". She's just so cool. I also enjoyed watching Basil Rathbone in one of his final performances. He seemed to really be enjoying the chance to ham it up. As goofy as it may sound, I love the fact that The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini takes many of the traditional beach movie trappings and transports them to a big, old haunted house. A swinging 60s style beach party set in Karloff's over-the-top torture chamber is an awesome idea. Finally, I've got to give the movie a bonus point for having a completely unnecessary gorilla. It adds a surreal touch to everything.

So, despite the many, many weaknesses and problems in The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini. I still had a great time watching it. I'll continue to say that the entertainment I get out of a movie is more important to me than anything else. And with that in mind, the 6/10 rating I've given The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini seems about right to me.

6/10

Poirot "Hercule Poirot's Christmas" #6.1 (1995) (TV)

"I have yet to meet anybody in this household that has even the most rudimentary sense of humor.", 9 April 2008

Harry Lee, a wealthy and curmudgeonly old coot, invites Hercule Poirot to spend Christmas with him and his dysfunctional, greedy, money-hungry relatives. On hand are Lee's three sons, their two wives, and a Spanish granddaughter whose late mother was Lee's only daughter. Though Lee seems to relish tormenting his offspring with talk of changing his will, he tells Poirot that he's afraid for his life and wants Poirot to keep and eye on his family. As it turns out, Harry Lee's fears are proved to have been well founded when he's discovered with his throat slashed behind a locked door. With the able and welcome assistance of his friend Inspector Japp, Poirot sets out to find a killer for Christmas.

Hercule Poirot's Christmas is one of the very few Agatha Christie books that I haven't read. Therefore, I have no idea how faithful or unfaithful the movie is to the book. And quite honestly, that may be one of the reasons I enjoyed Hercule Poirot's Christmas so much – I went into it completely blind with no expectations. It has all the traits that I love about a good Agatha Christie mystery – a murder committed in a locked room, a house full of greedy relatives, a bitter old coot of a murder victim, and a gathering of the suspects for the final reveal. The killer's identity wasn't too awfully difficult to figure out, but the how it was done was quite interesting. Like most of the Poirot episodes, Hercule Poirot's Christmas looks fantastic with interesting sets, nice period touches, and solid cinematography and lighting. The acting from most of the supporting players is what I would call okay. The exceptions would be the notable performances of Vernon Dobtcheff as Harry Lee and Sasha Behar as Pilar Estravados. Phillip Jackson gives his usual enjoyable performance as Inspector Japp. And David Suchet is as good as always in the role of Poirot. I can't believe that there was a time just a few years ago when I didn't care for Suchet. Now, not only do I enjoy Suchet's performances, but I consider him the definitive screen version of Poirot. Quite simply, David Suchet IS Poirot!

8/10

Return to the Planet of the Apes "Terror on Ice Mountain" #1.12 (1975) (TV)

A lot of fuss over a book, 8 April 2008

The problem with the episode numbering gets a bit ridiculous with "Terror on Ice Mountain". IMDb lists it as Episode 12 when, in fact, it should be Episode 6.

Anyway, in this episode, Cornelius has found 2,000 year-old book written by humans about a trip to the zoo where apes are kept in cages. Fearing what would happen if Urko were to get wind of this discovery, Cornelius decides the best thing to do is hide the book. He goes to Jeff and Bill for help in building a hot air balloon to take the book to a mountain top hiding place. In route, Cornelius and Bill are blown off course and crash in the mountains. They are rescued by the wise mountain apes. Unfortunately, one of Urko's ski patrols has also spotted Cornelius and Bill and try to capture them. The mountain apes summon their god, a giant ape named Kygoor, to help Cornelius and Bill escape.

The plot description may sound interesting, but "Terror on Ice Mountain" isn't nearly as good as it should have been. The problem – padding. I would guess that half of the episode consists of poorly drawn scenes of a balloon flying, Cornelius and Bill walking through the snow, or gorillas skiing. The actual action (and I hesitate to use the word "action" when describing anything in Return to the Planet of the Apes) is limited to just a few minutes. The mountain apes are an interesting touch. Similar to Tibetan monks, they offer a new twist to the whole Planet of the Apes mythos. However, I'm not sure how Kygoor is supposed to fit into things. Ape history, as presented by Dr. Zaius, doesn't have room for a giant, primitive ape-god like Kygoor.

6/10

Chicken Little (2005)

"I hear some teenagers get a major rush out of stamp-collecting!", 7 April 2008

For my family's second official Family Movie Night, we went with Chicken Little. In the movie, Chicken Little is hit in the head and causes a great deal of panic and confusion in the town of Oakey Oak with his claim that the sky is falling. When it appears that it was nothing more than an acorn that hit Chicken Little, he becomes the laughing stock of the town. One year later, still attempting to redeem himself, fate strikes once again when Chicken Little is hit on the head. This time, however, he's got the evidence. Even so, is anyone really going to believe Chicken Little's story of an alien invasion?

Going into the movie I had read some of the negative reviews, but wasn't sure whether to believe them or not. I mean, this is Disney after all – how bad can it be? Well the answer is that while Chicken Little isn't the worst movie I've seen recently, it's got way too many problems to call it a winner. Calling it "mediocre" is about the best I can do. While there were a lot of problems I had with the movie, the biggest was with the plot. It just lays there – lifeless. The movie gets off to a good start, but by the time Chicken Little wins the baseball game it becomes quickly apparent that the movie has nothing to offer. The movie's message is handled so ham-fisted that it puts a damper on the whole thing. And who decided to hire Garry Marshall to do the voice of Chicken Little's dad? He's terrible. So I the end, as much as I enjoyed the animation, some of the set-pieces, Don Knotts, and some of the cute characters, they're not near enough to save Chicken Little from the dreaded, unexciting, and mundane 5/10 rating.

And for what it's worth, I'm not sure the movie did much better with my 5 year-old. If he likes a movie, he'll usually watch it again as soon as possible. It's been almost three days now and we've had no mention of a re-watch. Instead, he's back to watching Surf's Up.

5/10

Enchanted (2007)

"The steel beast is dead peasants! I've set you all free!", 6 April 2008

I'll make this quick as Enchanted has already been discussed to death on IMDb. And quite honestly, I've got nothing much new to add. But I did want to post a comment and add my voice to those praising this movie. I am absolute stunned at how much I enjoyed Enchanted. It's just that – enchanting. And it may be the best thing Disney (without Pixar) has done in years. I love the way Disney uses Enchanted to poke fun at itself – something that quite honestly I didn't thing they would ever do. The song in the park is an incredibly inspired moment that works on two levels – one as an entertaining throw back to a time when musicals were acceptable forms of entertainment – and two as a spoof of all of those musicals. Finally, the casting couldn't have been better. I didn't know who Amy Adams was before I watched Enchanted, but she is awesome and plays the part of a Disney princess to perfection. It's just a fantastic movie!

8/10

Dracula (2006) (TV)

A weak, unsatisfying, and disappointing affair, 6 April 2008

Based on several aspects of the plot description for this 2006 BBC version of Dracula, it would be understandable to ask what this production has to do with either the Bram Stoker novel or the many film adaptations that came before it. In this version, Lord Holmwood, with the assistance of a Satanic/blood cult, sends for Count Dracula hoping for a cure to the syphilis he inherited from his parents. He saw what the disease did to them and wants to rid his body of the disease before he marries his fiancé, Lucy. Count Dracula arrives in England, but has other plans in mind that do not include Lord Holmwood. Dracula views England as the center of a new empire he wants to control. And his first victim – Lucy.

Honestly, though, these changes to the traditional Dracula plot (other than those involving the Van Helsing character) had little effect on my enjoyment or lack thereof of this movie. What really did in the BBC's Dracula for me was the sloppy direction and poor acting. While much of the movie looked good (And don't all period BBC pieces?), it felt so rushed that there was never a chance to get to know the characters or to build atmosphere or do any of those things necessary for effective period horror. The movie jumps from scene to scene to scene without providing either establishing shots or taking the time for a scene to end properly. Quick camera cuts, poor lighting, overusing hand held camera shots, and MTV-style editing are just a few of the sins that I'm laying at the feet of director Bill Eagles. As for the problems I had with the acting, other than David Suchet (who is on camera far too briefly), I cannot name an actor who stood out. They were either just plain old bad (Sophia Myles as Lucy and Stephanie Leonides as Mina) or they were wrong for their part (Tom Burke as Dr. Seward and Marc Warren as Dracula). While a few random set-pieces were quite nice, there are too many problems for me to call this Dracula a good movie.

Overall, the BBC's most recent stab at filming Dracula is a weak, unsatisfying, and disappointing affair. For what it's worth, I'll give it a 4/10.

4/10

Rocketship X-M (1950)

"I suppose you think that women should only cook and sew and bear children.", 6 April 2008

I completely understand the historical significance of Rocketship X-M, but that doesn't make it a good movie. To begin with, the plot (or what there is of it) is dull and lifeless. Five astronauts blast off for the moon – they get knocked off course and end up on Mars (huh?) – cavemen-looking Martians throw rocks at them – they return to Earth and meet a fiery death – The End. Believe it or not, but this pithy plot description makes it sound much more interesting than it really is. To make matters worse, John Emery's character, Dr. Karl Eckstrom, feels it necessary to give long drawn out speeches on everything from the nature of man to the dangers of nuclear weapons. It's just a thrill-a-minute (sarcasm intended).

Looking back at Rocketship X-M almost 60 years later, I would call the portrayal of women funny if it weren't all so sad and misguided. There are a number of examples I could cite, but there's one exchange of dialogue just after take-off between the male chauvinist pilot Floyd (played by the irritating, plastic-haired Lloyd Bridges) and Dr. Lisa Van Horn (the only female crewmember and the constant object of Floyd's often creepy attention) that illustrates the film's attitudes toward women quite nicely:

• Floyd: "I've been wondering, how did a girl like you get mixed up in a thing like this in the first place."

• Dr. Van Horn: "I suppose you think that women should only cook and sew and bear children."

• Floyd: "Isn't that enough?"

I think Floyd should have stayed behind with the cavemen!

3/10

Road to Bali (1952)

"Do you always fight over girls?", 4 April 2008

Before watching Road to Bali, Road to Singapore was the only other Hope/Crosby Road movie I'd seen. I enjoyed Road to Singapore and I've been meaning to give some more of these movies a go. In comparison, however, Road to Bali is terrible. It's just not funny. The jokes and sight gags never seem to hit their mark. For example, the bit about the loved starved gorilla was painful to watch. I was especially annoyed with all the self-referential, "look, we're in a movie" attempts at humor. When used judiciously, breaking the mythical fourth wall and speaking directly to the audience can be funny. Unfortunately, Bob Hope does it so often in Road to Bali that I wanted to scream. Also, I've real other comments where people favorably mention the various cameos. They felt forced and didn't work for me either.

With all that being said, that doesn't mean I'm not going to give some of the other Road movies a shot. Next time, however, I think I'll stick with one of the earlier ones.

3/10

Return to the Planet of the Apes "Lagoon of Peril" #1.3 (1975) (TV)

This is Episode 5 - not 3, 4 April 2008

Once again, the episode number listed on IMDb does not agree with the numbers on the DVD. And since the DVD set presents the episode in the correct order, I'm going with it and calling "Lagoon of Peril" Episode 5 – not Episode 3 as stated on IMDb.

Regardless of the number, "Lagoon of Peril" finds Ape City is in an uproar because of the rumors that the planet is being invaded by talking humanoids. It is decided that General Urko will lead an expedition into the Forbidden Zone to look for signs of intelligent humanoids and their spacecraft. Zira and Cornelius warn Jeff and Bill of Urko's intentions. Jeff and Bill set off for the lagoon they landed in to retrieve some supplies before destroying their space capsule. With the apes hot on their trail, there's no time to lose. But the mission gets even more difficult when they find a gigantic creature living in the lagoon.

This is a fairly nice, interesting episode. The race to the lagoon is about as suspenseful as you might hope for from an animated series like Return to the Planet of the Apes. An interesting touch is that Nova is now able to speak. That effectively means that the ape prophecies and fears are coming to fruition. The creature in the lagoon is something of a letdown because of the poor state of the animation. A fully animated creature would have made this one really special. Finally, one thing I don't understand is the help that Jeff and Bill get from the Underdwellers in holding up the apes' progress to the lagoon. Why? It's not as if they parted on good terms. Maybe I'll get an answer in a future episode.

6/10

Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase (1939)

"Some day I'm gonna get psychoanalyzed and find out why I'm such a dope.", 4 April 2008

Nancy Drew, with the invaluable assistance of her friend Ted Nickerson, comes to the aid of two old spinsters about to lose their home. As part of their father's will, the old women must live in the house for 20 years or its ownership will change to the city. But the death of the chauffeur, a theft in the middle of the night, and voices in walls have the sisters ready to abandon their home and their legacy. It's up to Nancy and Ted to find out what's going on and, in the process, unmask a killer.

Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase is probably my least favorite of the series. That's not to say it's a bad, unentertaining movie, it's just not as good as the three movies that came before it. If I had to point to any one thing that bothered me about the movie it would be the complete lack of reality. While I realize that none of the four movies in the series is set in what I consider the real world, Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase takes it a bit too far. For example, while Nancy is quite often misleading about what evidence she may have found while investigating a case, she crosses the line in this movie when she fabricates a suicide note and/or fails to tell the police about a bullet casing she's discovered. I don't care whose daughter she is or how much she has helped the police in the past, you get into real trouble when you start tampering with evidence.

But enough of my preaching. Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase is still a lot of fun. Bonita Granville and Frankie Thomas are as enjoyable as ever. The movie is well paced and at an hour in length there's not enough time for a wasted scene. The comedy is often quite funny. I found myself chuckling at more than one scene (the ice piling up on the ice box for example). While there's no real mystery as to the killer's identity, watching Nancy and Ted discover the how's and why's is a lot of fun. Finally, I'm a sucker for a movie set in an old house with moving walls and secret passages. They're just too much fun!

6/10

Nancy Drew... Trouble Shooter (1939)

"If you wanna get rich, stay away from women.", 3 April 2008

Nancy Drew and her lawyer father, Carson, set off for the country to help out an old family friend wrongly accused of murder. Conveniently for Nancy, her friend Ted Nickerson and his family are vacationing nearby. She quite naturally ropes Ted into helping her with her investigations. But this time, Nancy may have bitten off more than she can chew. From ghostly encounters to high flying danger, Nancy will have to be careful if she's to catch a killer.

I'm kicking myself for not watching these Nancy Drew movies sooner. I only wish I had about a half-dozen more to go instead of just one. Of the three Nancy Drew movies I've seen so far, Nancy Drew…Trouble Shooter is my favorite. While the plot may hardly matter (the killer's identity is not much of a mystery - in fact, it's NO mystery), that doesn't mean the movie isn't entertaining. There's plenty of action in this well paced movie with Nancy facing and overcoming obstacle after obstacle. From burning barns to burning dinner, the set-pieces are all enjoyable. Bonita Granville is as delightful as ever in the title role. She has such an infectious nature that it's impossible not to be a fan of her performance. In this installment, I was really impressed with Frankie Thomas as Ted. With a nice sense of comic timing, he plays the put upon boyfriend to perfection. And I liked the fact that John Litel as Carson Drew is given a bigger part and a romantic interest. My only real complaint would be with the character Apollo Johnson played by Willie Best. I'm certainly no crusader for political correctness, but I still have difficulty watching the shuffling, "Yassuh!" type characters played by black actors in the 30s.

7/10