Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

Mind-numbingly dull and beyond pointless, 18 June 2021

What a wretched movie!  The most amazing thing to me when it comes to Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn is that this may have been my second viewing (and what a waste of about 3 hours of my life if I really have seen this twice) .  I very vaguely remember watching the movie in the theater back in 1983.  I would have been about 19 and a huge fan of the 3-D fad hitting theaters, so it just makes sense.  But if I did see Metalstorm, it made no impression on me.  And why would it?  Metalstorm is such a lifeless experience, it’s immediately forgettable.  

IMDb’s plot summary states:  “On a desert planet, warlord Jared-Syn is trying to convince a tribe of mutants that he’s their messiah and gain unlimited power hidden in a crystal.  Ranger Dogen and explorer Dhyana, whose father was murdered by Syn, must stop him.”  Instead, my plot description would go something like this, “A Road Warrior-wannabe endlessly walks or slowly drives an uninteresting landscape for no real reason, occasionally running equally uninteresting mutants. These encounters are inevitably followed by poorly executed fight sequences or even more poorly executed (and excruciatingly repetitive) driving sequences.”  Honestly, that’s really all there is to the movie.  It’s all so pointless.

As I’ve alluded to, Metalstorm wants to be a Road Warrior, but with a healthy dose of Star Wars thrown into the mix.  However, it fails at both.  Metalstorm has neither  the charm or wonderment of Star Wars, nor the gritty balls-to-the-wall action of Road Warrior.  I watch films for entertainment and there’s little to be had here.  It’s a dull, pointless experience with nothing to recommend.  The only things that save Metalstorm from a 1/10 are a couple of unintentional laughs and Tim Thomerson.  The rest is trash.

2/10