Even worse than I remembered, 4 November 2017
My one sentence plot summary: Agent Jim West (Will Smith) teams with Agent Artemus Gordon (Kevin Kline) to topple a super-villain named Dr. Arliss Loveless (Kenneth Branagh) who has designs to take over the United States government. I'm not going to bother going into any more detail because Wild Wild West isn't worth the time or effort it would take. Wild Wild West is a bloated, gas-filled, disaster of a film. Unfortunately, I saw this thing in the theater back in 1999. If it's possible, it's even worse now watching it some 18 years later. Absolutely nothing works. The comedy is so far from being funny it's ridiculous. The endless series of jokes about about Jim West being an African American get old and tiring real quick. I get it - he's black - quit beating that dead horse and move on to something else. The jokes about race were so annoying that the unfunny and obvious jokes about Selma Hayek's butt and boobs were actually a welcome change of pace. Believe me when I say that the comedy misses it's mark every time. The rest of the script is equally disastrous and as poorly written as my attempt at writing this little review. When we're not treated to unfunny attempts at comedy, it seems that all the writers could come up with was to have Jim West and Artimus Gordon engage in endless bickering like an old married couple. Or, having the boys are put in dangerous situations that I couldn't be bothered to care about because I hated the characters so much. Finally, all the steam punk trappings end up looking as silly as Kevin Kline dressed as a woman. A steam-powered 80-foot steel spider - whatever! There's just nothing here I found enjoyable.
The actors are horrible. Will Smith is miscast. His modern sensibilities do not play well in the role of an 1860s-era government agent. Kevin Kline is no better. And he's not helped by the poorly and ridiculously written character he's given to work with. Branagh is also bad. He's not funny in the slightest - just annoying. And that accent is embarrassing. Selma Hayek is the only cast member I'll say anything positive about and I'm sure part of that is due to her lack of screen time. I'm positive that with a larger role, she would have been terrible also.
In the end, I cannot rate Wild Wild West any higher than a 2/10. I'm not going to bother to look, but just how much money was wasted on this piece of monkey excrement?
2/10
"This could kick you off into becoming an absolute pervert.", 3 November 2017
Eddie Weinbauer (Marc Price), an awkward high school student, faces relentless bullying from the "cool" kids. Eddie retreats into his private world of heavy metal. When Eddie's idol, Sammi Curr (Tony Fields), is killed, Eddie is beyond devastated. Things seem as bleak and dark as they can get - until Eddie begins hearing Sammi's voice speaking directly to him on his latest album. It seems that Sammi doesn't want to be dead. He wants Eddie to help bring him back to life, regardless of how many people have to die.
It's difficult for me to explain my reasoning, but I've always found Trick or Treat an effective little horror film. For whatever reason, it creeps me out. It might be the demonic nature of the subject matter or Tony Fields' incredibly effective performance or the atmosphere director Charles Martin Smith creates - I'm not sure. Whatever, this is a film that fills me with a real sense of unease.
Another big plus for me as far as the film goes is the performance of Marc Price. It's hard to imagine Skippy from Family Ties giving a performance like this. You'd never know he was capable based on his time on television. He plays Eddie as a complicated, multi-layered character. He makes Eddie seem "real". Whether it's a scene where he's being bullied or a scene where he's defiant and confident with the strength he gets from Sammi or a scene where he's running scared, Price delivers. It's good stuff.
A couple of other things I'll mention before I end this: 1. Gene Simmons is fantastic. I've seen him do some other things, but here, he's really good. I can't, however, say the same for Ozzy. 2. I got a real kick out of seeing Elaine Joyce in the film as Eddie's mother. She was always a favorite of mine from the 1970s-era game-show circuit.
7/10
"Waitress, more butter!", 2 November 2017
With a name like Chopping Mall and the poster and box-art I'd seen for years, I've always assumed that the film was a cheap slasher. I'm shocked to discover that, instead, it's a cheap killer-robot movie. In Chopping Mall, the owners of the titular mall have decided to install robot security guards to patrol the building overnight. A freak lightning storm, however, fries the robots' main computer. The robots that were originally designed to protect and defend have been turned into unstoppable killing machines. As luck would have it, a group of teens is having an unauthorized after-hours party in the mall. The party comes to an abrupt end, however, when the teens are interrupted by the trio of killer robots. Can the teens make it through the night and escape?
Chopping Mall is a tough one for me to rate. In all honesty, it's a pretty bad movie. It's got all the problems I've come to associate with a low-budget 80s horror film. And while I could go on and on about the issues I have with the film (acting, dialogue, stupid characters, etc), it's too much fun not to enjoy. Chopping Mall is fast-paced, filled with plenty of action, and includes a couple of fantastic special effect shots - including an amazing head explosion. I got a real kick out of seeing the cameos from Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov in the opening scene. And the whole 80s-vibe to the film is really appealed to me. The opening montage is like a documentary look at 80s mall culture. All of this leads to a fairly entertaining experience.
The film, however, is far from perfect. I've listed a couple of issues I have with Chopping Mall, but my biggest complaint is the logic behind these robots. Unfortunately, I couldn't get this logic issue out of my mind the entire time I was watching the movie. This mall appears to be a fairly typical 1980s-era suburban mall. I can't imagine that a mall like this had very much overnight crime. At least not enough to warrant the cost of putting in this incredibly elaborate security system. A system like this one - complete with three combat-ready robots, a giant supercomputer, locking steel doors, and a couple of full-time computer programmers - would most likely cost more to install and maintain than it did to build the mall in the first place. It's completely ridiculous.
5/10
"Why don't we blow it up?", 1 November 2017
In the second sequel to Jaws, Sea World's new multi-million dollar underwater attraction is terrorized by a 35 foot great white shark, putting both staff and the public in danger. It's up to Mike Brody (Dennis Quaid) to uphold the family's legacy as shark fighters and save the day.
I was "fortunate" enough to see Jaws 3-D in the theater back when it was originally released in 1983. I didn't care for it back then and, if anything, I found it even worse as I re-watched it last night. There are so many problems I have with the film I really don't know where to begin. I guess I'll start with the 3D. As best as I can remember, the 3D effects weren't overly impressive back in the day. But watching in 2D, they're even more annoying. The floating arm near the beginning of the film, for example, looks just plain old stupid. The rest of the effects are equally bad. The shark is laughable. The shark from the original Jaws, made years earlier, is so much better.
As bad as the effects are, the rest of the film is even worse. The film's logic is pretty much non-existent, the characters are pretty much unlikable, and the script is pretty much a dull mess. There's not much here to like. Watching last night, I'm shocked that Sea World actually let the makers of Jaws 3 not only use their facilities for filming, but allowed them to use the Sea World name. Sea World must have believed in the old adage that there's no such thing as bad publicity. The film makes the staff and ownership of Sea World look like a bunch of bumbling idiots who can't be bothered to give two shakes about customer safety.
Speaking of "can't be bothered", I can't be bothered to go into any more detail on Jaws 3-D. I'll end this by saying that, for me, this is the worst of the Jaws series. I know most people rate Part 4 the worst. While I agree that it's one stinker of a film, at least Part 4 is entertaining. Jaws 3-D is just bad.
3/10
"Jason Voorhees is dead! His body was cremated. He's nothing but a handful of ash.", 30 October 2017
In the five or so years since his run-in with Jason Vorhees, Tommy Jarvis (played by John Shepherd in this film) returns to Crystal Lake to enter a mental facility. Tommy is still haunted by visions of Jason. Tommy has also developed something of an anger management problem. Not long after Tommy's arrival, Crystal Lake is the scene of a series of gruesome murders. Who could be behind the killings? Is it Jason back from the dead? Is it Tommy? Or is it some other, unknown party?
I don't apologize for being a Friday the 13th fan. I've been a fan since 1980. But I'm not blind. Not all Friday the 13th movies are created equal. Some are good and some are not so good. If I made a list of favorites, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning would fall toward the bottom of that list. It's not the worst, but it's close. My issues with the film are many, including:
- Character development – Never a strength in the series, character development is thrown out the window in Part 5. Unknown characters are introduced just so they can be killed five minutes later. A perfect example are the two greasers killed near the beginning of the movie. Who are these guys? It's hard to care whether a character lives or dies when fodder is all they are.
- Overacting – Junior and Ethel have to be two of the worst characters ever to appear in a Friday the 13th movie. I know a lot of people list Shelly from Part 3 as the most annoying character in the series, but for me, these two take the prize. They are just so over-the-top and unbelievable. I don't necessarily mind a little humor mixed into a film as heavy as Part 5, but his is way too much. Their actions completely take me out of the film every time they pop-up on screen. They're cringe-inducing.
- The mental facility – What kind of place is this? You gather together a bunch of troubled youths, but still you have more dangerous and sharp implements than you'll find at a knife show. There seem to be knives, hatchets, and machetes lying around everywhere.
- Roy Burns – Who? I remember seeing Part 5 in the theater and when the killer was unmasked (Scooby Doo style no less), I wasn't sure who I was looking at. Re-watching last night, I see all the hints and clues to the killer's identity, but Roy Burns is such a nothing character that I still didn't recognize him when he was unmasked. In the list of great slasher villains from the 80s and 90s, I've never seen Roy Burns' name listed alongside Freddy, Jason, and Michael. I don't care that the movie included a copycat killer, but make it someone we'd at least recognize.
- Outhouse serenade – Has there ever been a more ridiculous scene in a movie? It's another low point in a movie filled with low points. This is another of those lists that I could go on and on with, but, as I often say, what's the point?
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning is a bad movie with a lazy script, an instantly forgettable killer, and characters we can't care about because we don't know them. Overall, it's a low point in the series for me. I can't bring myself to rate it any higher than a 3/10.
3/10
