Ator, the Fighting Eagle (1982)

Mostly, it’s just bad, 24 April 2020

My God, but does Ator, the Fighting Eagle ever reek!  Like any Conan cash-in from the 80s, our hero goes on an incredibly unoriginal quest for revenge and must face a series of obstacles along the way.  Here, Ator sets out to rescue his sister/wife who has been kidnapped by the Spider King or some such nonsense.    

Wait … Was that sister/wife?  Yes, you read that correctly – Ator must rescue his sister to whom he was recently wed.  Before Sunya is kidnapped, she and Ator have this jaw-dropping exchange:

Ator:  I love you.

Sunya:  And I love you.

Ator:  Why can’t we marry?

Sunya:  Ator, we are brother and sister.

Ator:  I’ll talk with our father.

But by the time Ator and Sunya uttered this ridiculous dialogue, I had long since decided Ator was a douche.  I gave up on Ator the moment Miles O’Keeffe made his first onscreen appearance and I saw that overly-quaffed, girlish bouffant he was sporting.   He looked absolutely ridiculous.  I guess that helps explain how Ator could survive considering his absolute lack of fighting ability – why would you need to fight when your enemies will most likely kill over with laughter at the mere sight of your teased-up, Aguanet-infused hair?  Not that it mattered much when you consider that at least four of Ator’s biggest foes in the film – a tribe of Amazons who want to use him for mating, a walking dead army that moves like snails, a bunch of blind warriors, and a shadow – were about as threatening as a stick of butter.  There are a couple of occasions where push comes to shove and Ator must actually do battle.  In these instances, we’re treated to O’Keeffe’s absolute lack of anything remotely resembling real fighting ability.  In every instance I can think of, Ator doesn’t use skill to defeat his opponents – he relies, instead, on dumb luck. 

Overall, it’s a bad, bad movie.  I’ll give it a 2/10 for the occasional, rare moment of unintended hilarity.  Mostly, though, it’s just bad.

2/10

They Call Her…Cleopatra Wong (1978)

Another movie that I really, really wanted to like, 23 April 2020

Interpol Agent Cleopatra Wong (Doris Young aka Marrie Lee) travels between Manilla, Singapore, and Hong Kong trying to uncover and put a stop to an international counterfeiting ring. 

Let me start this by saying that I really, really (and I mean REALLY) wanted to like They Call Her…Cleopatra Wong.  It had a lot going for it and a lot that usually appeals to me.  A badass female secret agent who can kick butt and take names; a funky disco-inspired soundtrack; exotic locations; and action set-pieces galore – what’s not to like?  While it sounds good on paper, the execution leaves a lot to be desired.  The plot ends up being a bit silly.  Why on Earth would you smuggle counterfeit bills inside jars of jelly?  What a ridiculous idea.  Second, while the fight scenes are numerous, they got horribly repetitive after a while.  There were only so many times I could watch Cleo go through the same motions with yet more faceless, nameless baddies.  And while Ms Young has a definite screen presence and is more than capable of carrying much of the movie, she suffers in the fight sequences.  Her movements aren’t overly natural and some of her fight scenes have an off-putting static quality to them. 

In the end, the highly enjoyable opening montage and some of the more memorable action set-pieces (like the assault on the monastery) help save They Call Her…Cleopatra Wong from being a complete disaster.  As much as I’d like to give it a higher rating, a 5/10 is the best I can do. 

5/10

Logan Lucky (2017)

“You sucked my arm off!” 22 April 2020

Having been laid-off from his job working maintenance under the Charlotte Motor Speedway, Jimmy Logan (Channing Tatum) needs money and he needs it fast.  He decides his best option is to rob the Speedway on the busiest NASCAR raceday of the year.  Jimmy hatches a plan and puts together the “best” team West Virginia has to offer. 

The wife and I seem to rarely agree on what to watch, but the other night we decided to give Logan Lucky a go.  Overall, we enjoyed it.  It’s good fun, has some interesting plot points, provides a few very funny moments, and features some solid acting – what more could you ask for?  With any heist movie, you can expect a fair share of plot twists, but when you know so little about the actual plan as in Logan Lucky, you’re in for a lot of surprises.  Logan Lucky’s heist is a lot smarter than it first appears. Don’t let these backwoods robbers fool you.  They’re clever.  Logan Lucky doesn’t just feature a twist at the end – instead, we were treated to a twist on top of a twist with an extra twist thrown in for good measure. 

Another big plus for the movie is the acting.  It’s a large cast, but with the exception of Katie Holmes, all get a chance to shine.  Channing Tatum, Adam Driver, Riley Keough – all are rock solid.  But by far the highlight is Daniel Craig.  James Bond as a backwoods safecracker – it’s a blast!  There’s an infectious sense of fun in Craig’s portrayal of Joe Bang (love that name).  At first, I was afraid the accent might annoy me, but, with a twinkle in his eye, Craig pulls it off.  And the pair playing Craig’s brothers, Jack Quaid and Brian Gleeson, steal every scene they appear in.  Finally, there’s something I always enjoy about watching Dwight Yokum act.  He doesn’t disappoint here.  In fact, I’d like to see a whole movie based on his character, Warden Burns.  The one performance that really didn’t work was Seth MacFarlane.  The character was about as grating as that British accent.

Our biggest complaint is that the movie felt like it ran a bit too long.  A little editing might have gone a long way to making Logan Lucky something truly special.  An easy fix would have been to cut out any of the bits with MacFarlane and take care of two problems in one go.  

8/10

Firehead (1991)

Firehead?, 22 April 2020

A research scientist (Chris Lemmon) joins a government assassin to track down a Russian cyborg.  But is the laser-shooting cyborg the real enemy, or is someone in the government pulling the strings for their own nefarious purposes?  

The 80s and 90s were full of cheesy, schlock-filled action movies.  Given the cast and the presence of actual production standards, it’s shocking to me that Firehead is one of the worst of the bunch.  There are a couple of big issues I have with Firehead.  First, and most importantly, the plot is a joke.  In fact, there really isn’t much of a plot - more like a vague story idea attempting to hold various poorly choreographed action set-pieces together.  And what little story there is in Firehead is entirely predictable.  I promise this isn’t a spoiler, but watching the movie, you realize about 0.000253 seconds into the thing that the real bad guy isn’t the Russian.  Who could it be?  Maybe over-acting, what’s-he-doing-in-this-piece-of-garbage Christopher Plummer?  It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.

My second big issue with Firehead is the acting.  More specifically, my problem is with Chris Lemmon.  When he’s not trying to channel his father, he has one mode of acting - comedic surprise to every situation.  Regardless of how mundane, ordinary, or predictable the situation, Lemmon’s attempted comedic overreaction gets old real quick.  It’s a one note performance.  

Speaking of acting, why oh why is Martin Landau in this turkey?  Was he that hard up or did he just owe someone a favor?  Even with his very limited screen time, he easily outshines the rest of the cast.  

One last thing, previously, I mentioned poorly choreographed set-pieces.  Let me cite just one example of what I”m talking about.  Two bad guys and two good guys are firing guns at each other.  All are in a narrow hallway, separated by no more than 10 feet.  Does anyone get hit?  Of course not.  After about three or four of these scenes, it got to be quite funny.  Not funny enough to save the movie or anything, but it does create one of the few “memorable” moments in what is otherwise a completely forgettable experience.  

2/10

Replica (2005)

Dizzying heights of ineptitude, 21 April 2020

Joe, a computer chip salesman (what else would you expect from a James Nguyen film), falls for Dr Evelyn Tyler, the surgeon who performed his kidney transplant.  Their relationship is off to a fantastic start when Dr Tyler is tragically (and hysterically) killed in a car crash. Distraught over his loss, Joe’s emotions are in for another jolt when he meets a woman who looks so much like Dr Tyler, she could be her clone.  

While Replica never reaches the dizzying heights of ineptitude director James Nguyen managed with Birdemic, this is still an amazingly entertaining film - for all the wrong reasons.  As with Birdemic, everything about Replica is about as piss-poor as you’ll find in a movie. If anything, Replica outdoes Birdemic when it comes to acting. Stilted, riciulous dialogue delivered by actors that I”m amazed to discover have any other credits to their name.  My two favs have to be David Nguyen as Detective Le (English is obviously not his first language) and Rick Camp as Dr G (so over-the-top he’s laugh-out-loud funny). It’s all bottom-of-the-barrel stuff and, personally, I’m grateful for it.  

You have to give James Nguyen credit - he may have lacked the resources and talent to pull off his big-screen visions, but that didn’t stop him from trying.  In the end, you’re left with a film that, regardless of the reason, is entertaining enough to hold my interest for almost 90 minutes. Compare that to something like one of Michael Bay’s Transformer movies with millions of dollars at his disposal, the latest in hi-tech special effects, and a cast of name actors and you end up with one incredibly dull-as-dirt film.  Give me James Nguyen over Michael Bay any day of the week. At least I’ll have a good time.

As I’ve always said, I rate films primarily on entertainment value.  Despite all its faults (and they are overwhelming), I can easily give Replica a 6/10.

6/10