The Villain (1979)

Ugh ,15 December 2017

A slow-witted cowboy named Handsome Stranger (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is acting as a bodyguard of sorts for a woman named Charming Jones (Ann-Margret).  Charming is traveling across the West with fortune in a locked chest.  An old outlaw named Cactus Jack (Kirk Douglas) is hired to steal the chest.  Cactus Jack comes up with trap after trap to try to get his hands on the loot, but each plan fails epically.  

I can’t tell you how many reviews I’ve read comparing The Villain to a live action Wile E Coyote cartoon.  While I see some comparisons, the difference is that Wile E Coyote’s tales are funny and told with wit and charm.  The tale of Cactus Jack is filled with failed attempts at comedy and is about as dull as anything I’ve seen recently.  None of it worked on me.  I knew I was in trouble five minutes into the movie when Jack has an argument with his horse.  Ugh.  I could see my 6-year old laughing at some of Jack’s hijinks, but none of it brought as much as a smile to my face.  I was bored to tears.  Without a car in sight, director Hal Needham seems horribly out of his element.  

As for the acting, I watched The Villain for Schwarzenegger.  However, in 1979, he was still a terribly green actor.  In most scenes, he’s as stiff as a board.  The ridiculously gorgeous Ann-Margaret almost makes The Villain worth watching on her own, but after a while, ogling Ann-Margret can get tedious.  As for Douglas, what an embarrassment!  Let’s just say that comedy wasn’t his thing.  The highlight of the cast for me was easily Strother Martin in a bit part.  His five minutes of screen-time were easily the best part of the film.

2/10

Kindergarten Cop (1990)

"I'm a cop, you idiot! I'm Detective John Kimble!" 15 December 2017

John Kimble (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a cop assigned to put a killer named Crisp behind bars for good.  To do so, Kimble needs to find Crisp’s son and ex-wife.  All he knows for certain is the name of the small Oregon town where the live and that the boy is kindergarten age.  Kimble goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher to try to find the boy.  Even though he’s a tough cop on a mission, Kimble realizes, to his amazement, that he enjoys teaching the kids.  He also finds a love interest in one of the other teachers, Joyce (Penelope Ann Miller) – a single mother whose son is in Kimble’s class.  And, as luck would have it, Kimble discovers that Joyce is Crisp’s ex-wife.  How convenient!  Kimble will have to act fact, though, because Crisp is on his way to collect his son.

For the most part, Kindergarten Cop is an enjoyable movie.  Schwarzenegger seems naturally unnatural around the kids, but that works in the film’s favor.  Kimble should be awkward around his class.  There are a number of humorous interactions between the un-humorous Kimble and the kids – my favorite being his reaction to the kid obsessed with death.  Good stuff.  As awkward as Schwarzenegger is around the children, it’s the exact opposite when it comes to his co-star, Miller.  There’s a nice chemistry between the two that really shows on-screen.  I would have loved to see the pair make more movies together.  Another plus for kindergarten cop is Pamela Reed playing Kimble’s partner.  Reed is always good and gives a solid performance here.  Throw in some nice action toward the film’s conclusion and Kindergarten Cop ends up being a nice experience.

I do, however, have two complaints.  First, the film is too long.  I really think that if just 10 to 15 minutes were cut from the runtime, it would be a better, tighter movie.  Cut the scenes with Cathy Moriarty, for example.  They add zilch to the final product.  Second, baddie Crisp and his mother aren’t threatening enough.  They’re jokes.  Had the pair been played with a more menacing tone, the final showdown would have been even better.  Still, it’s a solid film as is.

7/10

Smile Before Death (1972)

- Il sorriso della iena
"Nice "little" giallo" 14 December 2017

After years at a boarding school, Nancy Thompson (Jenny Tamburi) arrives at her late mother's home and is introduced to her step-father, Marco (Silvano Tranquilli), whom she's never met, and his lady friend, Gianna (Rosalba Neri). Nancy's mother's death was ruled a suicide, but Nancy's not so sure. She suspects that either Marco or Gianna or dboth may have had a hand in her death. Nancy begins playing a dangerous game by pitting Marco and Gianna against each other in her attempt to get to the truth.

Smile Before Death is nice little giallo. With only three characters that have any real screen-time and only two or three different sets, it's what I'd definitely call "little". Nancy's mother's murder may not be overly complicated, but it's still a real treat to watch Nancy get to the bottom of things as Marco and Gianna turn on each other. It's a hoot watching Nancy play them like a fiddle. They fall for it hook, line, and sinker. It's some terrific writing given how "little" the movie is. Director Silvio Amadio (better known for his giallo, Amuck) does a remarkable job of keeping the interest high even though we already know where most of the film is headed. Amadio also does a fantastic job of springing not just one, but two twists near the film's finale. Both worked perfectly as far as I'm concerned. Fantastic job of filmmaking. 

I can't say enough about the cast. I'm not really familiar with Tamburi, but here, she's perfect. Her transformation from shy schoolgirl to full-blown sexpot is a nice piece of acting. Tranquilli is a real pro, having appeared in a number of genre films I've seen in the past. As for Neri, I've sung her praises so many times in the past that doing so here would be pointless. I'll just say, she's good.

Based on my rating, it's obvious that the film isn't perfect in my eyes, but giallo fans really ought to check out this relatively obscure film. It's worth it.

7/10

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006)

"You're not gonna believe this, but there's a snow cone vendor out there not wearing a bra."  13 December 2017

As the title implies, Larry the Cable Guy has a new job as a health inspector. Larry finds himself saddled with a partner he didn't ask for, farting, the prospect of a new relationship, more farting, a boss who wants him fired, even more farting, and a series of mysterious food poisonings at some of the city's best restaurants. Larry's a busy guy.

I've seen a lot of dumb movies in my day, but Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector might just take the prize as the absolute dumbest. I think my IQ dropped a few points while I watched. The movie isn't much more than a continuous 80-something minute fart joke. The fart jokes go on and on and on. I didn't find the first one funny, so by the 50th, I was about ready to slit my wrists. Oh my God is this thing horrible! In between fart jokes, the movie finds time to offend just about every group imaginable. I'm not one that normally gets offended when watching a movie, but here, it slaps you in the face. Race, sexual orientation, handicaps, you name it - Larry treats them all with the same level of disdain and ridicule. It's bottom-of-the-barrel comedy. Still, I haven't rated the movie a 1/10 because, despite itself and my knowing better, there were a couple of moments that worked - most involving Larry's partner, Butlin.

I'm shocked the makers of Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector were able to convince some of these actors to take the job. Iris Bahr (playing the previously mentioned Butlin), Megyn Price, Joe Pantoliano, and Joanna Cassidy must have all really needed the work. I'm shocked any would lower themselves to appear in this dreck. I know they were paid, but I still feel sorry for them.

2/10

Berlin Express (1948)

"Sometimes I think we shall never get together on this earth until we find someone on Mars to hate."  12 December 2017

Berlin Express is a mystery set shortly after WWII on an Army transport train headed from Paris to Berlin. The train carries an assortment of characters, all with different backgrounds and allegiances. The trip is sidetracked in Frankfurt after the attempted assassination and later kidnapping of a German named Paul Lukas. Lukas has the ideas and wherewithal to deliver a unified post-WWII Germany. Others, however, do not want to see this happen and would rather Germany remain divided. I know a lot of this may sound vague and incomplete, but I've probably already given away too much of the mystery as it is.

Overall, I would describe Berlin Express as a nice, but never great, film. The movie opens with a voice-over narration that is absolutely necessary to set-up what's to come. These monologues can sometimes annoy me, but without it here, the film would have taken at least an additional hour to explain what was happening. The acting here is solid, but not necessarily spectacular. Robert Ryan and Merle Oberon head the talented United Nations-style cast. The mystery elements work in Berlin Express. Curt Siodmak is responsible for the twisted, sometimes confusing, but always engaging, screenplay. The big twist to the plot that comes near the 30 minute mark worked almost perfectly on me. It really caught me off guard. Most of the story is told in a documentary, matter-of-fact style that suits the somber surroundings. Speaking of the surroundings, the real star here are the locations. The movie was shot in the actual post-war ruins of Frankfurt. The bombed out building, the crumbling infrastructure, and the gut-wrenching homelessness are filmed magnificently. It's sad and horrific, but absolutely beautiful.

6/10

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)

"It's raining white women.", 10 December 2017

The Angels are charged with locating two rings. These aren't, however, any ordinary pair of rings. They contain secret information that, when decrypted, reveal information on everyone in the Federal Witness Protection Program. When witnesses on the list start turning up dead, it's obvious the Angels will have to step up their efforts. But the baddie is someone well known to the Angels - someone who knows the way the Angels work and think. In fact, she was once an Angel herself.

I really got a kick out of the first Charlie's Angels movie. It was dumb, but it was fun. In Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle there's just too much. I'm not sure I've seen this since I originally saw it in the theater, so I forgot how busy it all is. There are too many jokes, there are too many ridiculous situations, there are too many over-the- top fight scenes, there is too much of Cameron Diaz's booty shaking (if that's possible), and there is way, way too much CGI. The first movie took the original Charlie's Angels and turned it up a notch or two. This one rips the knob off. It proves the old adage that too much of a good thing can sometimes be a bad thing.

The highlight of the film for me is the cast. Diaz, Lucy Liu, and Drew Barrymore all have a charm to them that's a joy to watch. When the film is just the three of them without the huge special effects, these moments work. Unfortunately, these scenes are too few and far between. Also, I really enjoyed seeing Demi Moore. But then again, I always enjoying seeing Demi Moore.

Unfortunately, there's not much here to recommend. A 4/10 is the best rating I can give Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

4/10

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

What a mess!, 10 December 2017

What a mess! Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Transformers 2 for the rest of this) fails in almost every way possible. You have a $200,000,000 or so budget and this is the best you can do? I'm not sure how often I've used this word to describe a film, but Transformers 2 is just stupid. Here's the long, but still incomplete, list of my many problems with the movie:

1. The plot is a disaster. More accurately, I should say the film lacks a plot. The movie is little more than one gag after the next, whether it's an attempt at comedy or a visual gag, none of it really flows into a cohesive film. I suppose the main point of the film is a Decepticaon known as The Fallen wants to use a machine buried under the pyramids to destroy the Sun. Why? It's never really explained why he wants to do this. If it is, it's lost in all the nonsense included in Transformers 2. The "destroy the Sun" bit is really nothing more than a McGuffin designed to make The Fallen look evil and create an adversary for Optimus to fight. There's no other purpose to it.

2. The comedy in this thing is misplaced and rarely funny. The "comedy" bits with the parents, the twin Autobots, and the roommate - none of their attempts at comedy are funny in the least. The parents are more cringey than funny, the twins are more offensive than funny, and the roommate is more annoying than funny. It doesn't work.

3. The runtime at 2.5 hours is at least an hour too long. There's so much unnecessary crap in Transformers 2 that could have been cut to make a tighter, more focused film. The scenes with the parents, the scenes with the roommate, and the whole Army/government power struggle could have been cut without affecting what little plot the movie has. Sitting through one unnecessary scene after the next makes Transformers 2 longer than it should have been and an incredibly arduous process.

4. I know some praise the special effects, but to me, they're weak. The robots look horrible. If they weren't meant to be giant piles of random junk thrown together haphazardly, then director Michael Bay succeeded in presenting his vision. But if all the expensive CGI was meant to present interesting, unique characters, the special effects fail on an epic scale. In the big fight scenes, it's almost impossible to distinguish on robot form the next. They all look equally horrible and just alike.

5. I suppose my biggest complaint and what all this leads to is that I'm not much of a fan of MIchael Bay's style of directing. Bigger and louder don't necessarily mean better. And the way the film jumps from one scene to the next, it makes me wonder if there's not a 6-year old with ADD trapped inside Bay's body. It gets annoying after about 5 minutes. Don't misunderstand - you can make a big special effects film if you've got a good story and interesting characters. But Bay seems to think that all you need to do is throw a wad of cash at CGI and that makes a good movie. Well, it doesn't as Transformers 2 proves.

3/10

Deadly Chase (1978)

- Il commissario Verrazzano
Reasonably entertaining, but odd Italian film, 10 December 2017

Police Commissioner Verrazzano (Luc Merenda) is asked to investigate the death of a man originally ruled a suicide. The dead man's sister is convinced that someone murdered her brother. Soon after his investigation begins, Verrazzono's begins to suspect there might be something to the woman's story. It's obvious that someone doesn't want Verrazzono to find the truth.

Overall, Deadly Chase is a reasonably entertaining, but odd little film. It's not great and there are scenes that lack much of interest, but if you're a fan of 70s Italian genre films, it's at least worth checking out. Described as a Poliziotessch, it's not as violent as most in the genre. Sure, there are deaths and such, but the film lacks the over-the-top gun battles and explosions I usually associate with the genre. Instead, Deadly Chase is more of a mystery. The plot is similar to a Giallo with it's many twists and turns. It gets quite (unnecessarily) complicated and almost impossible to follow. But that's always part of the fun with an Italian film from the 70s.

I always enjoy seeing Luc Merenda. He has an easy going style about him that sets him apart from many of his contemporaries. I'm not saying he's better than someone like George Hinton or any other actor I could name from the period, just different. He's solid here. Merenda is joined by quite a cast of female costars, including Janet Agren, Patrizia Gori, María Baxa, and the always enjoyable Luciana Paluzzi. One of my complaints is that Paluzzi isn't really given much to do. Still, it's always a treat to see her on-screen.

5/10