The Killers Are Our Guests (1974)

- Gli assassini sono nostri ospiti

Better than average piece of entertainment, 28 December 2017

The Killers Are Our Guests opens with a daring daylight jewelry store robbery. One of the robbers is shot during the escape. The band of robbers is forced to seek medical attention for their partner and end up at the isolated villa of a doctor and his wife. Forced to comply, the doctor does his best to patch up the wounded robber. The baddies hold the pair hostage until they're able to hit the road. It's a nightmare of a night as the doctor and wife are threatened with their lives, the wife is raped, and, in the end, most everyone is killed.

Overall, I found The Killers Are Our Guests an above average piece of entertainment. I'm not sure how I'd classify the film, but I'm going to go with poliziotteschi or Euro-crime. The film features plenty of atmosphere as the robbers harass and threaten the couple. The movie never goes as far as something like Last House on the Left, but it has a similar cramped, ominous feel to it. I really started to feel for the doctor's wife. Either through choice or force, she has sex four times during the night. And when it's not by choice, it's not very pleasant. While the police seem ineffective throughout, the way the police ultimately catch their prey is nicely handled and provides an unexpected twist. The acting is solid. Genre regulars Anthony Steffan, Luigi Pistilli, and Margaret Lee are as good as I've come to expect. It's always nice to discover a "new" movie with Margaret Lee. The rest of the cast is more than adequate. If it weren't for some fairly long stretches in the second act where the film almost grinds to a halt, I could have easily rated The Killers Are Our Guests higher.

6/10

Catwoman (2004)

"Meow.", 27 December 2017

Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) is a meek, mild-mannered woman working in the advertising department of a cosmetics firm. One night, she sees and overhears something she wasn't meant to. The company's new line causes horrible scarring after extended use. Patience is killed because of what she learned. However, she is brought back to life by an Egyptian cat and granted many cat-like powers. She decides to use these powers to discover who killed her and put a stop to the company she once worked for.

I knew of Catwoman's horrible reputation, but didn't really believe it could be that bad. I mean, squeezing the gorgeous Halle Berry into skin-tight leather should set you up for some thrills. Unfortunately, there's not a costume on Earth that could have saved this mess of a movie. Almost everything (the lone exception being some scenes with Halle Berry and Benjamin Bratt - I enjoyed the chemistry) is a disaster. The plot is paper thin, the baddies are weak, the acting is poor, the attempts at comedy are cringey, and the dialogue is silly. But as bad as all that is, nothing compares with the wretched special effects. I thought the CG cat looked horrible (and why use a CG cat anyway?), but then i saw the CG Halle Berry. I'm sure a small fortune was spent on these effects. What a waste! The shots of Adam West "climbing" buildings in the 1960s-era Batman TV show are more believable. It's just pathetic.

2/10

Too Beautiful to Die (1988)

- Sotto il vestito niente II

A good late 80s giallo, 26 December 2017

Sylvia O'Neal is a successful model working in Milan. After the final shoot for a big ad campaign, Sylvia attends a party with some of the other models. Sylvia doesn't realize it, but she has caught the eye of an older, powerful man. She's doesn't realize that he will also be at the party or the party's real purpose. She refuses his advances, but she's not strong enough to fight off the other models. While they hold her, the man rapes her. Distraught, she leaves the party in a hurry only to be found burned to death in a car the following morning. It looks like an accident until the others at the party start turning up dead. And when the police discover Sylvia was shot through the head before the car crash, it's obvious a killer is on the loose.

The 70s were the heyday for the Italian giallo. So it's always nice to discover one made in the 80s, nevermind the late 80s, that's actually good. Too Beautiful to Die is a solid example of a latter day giallo. An unknown killer, a fantastically gruesome murder weapon, artistic touches (tracking shots and blue lighting), a boatload of beautiful women, and plenty of atmosphere - this one has all the elements you expect to find in a giallo. Too Beautiful to Die also features some of the best (or worst) of the 80s. The music, clothing, and hair - all from the 80s. The ad campaigns and music videos the women are working on are incredibly reminiscent of a Robert Palmer video. It's a visual straight out of the 80s. In fact, much of the movie is a bit like watching a string of 80s-era music videos strung together into a film. Plenty of style. Another plus for Too Beautiful to Die are the plot twists and turns you expect to find in a good giallo. There are plenty of clues and red herrings sprinkled throughout that will keep you guessing to the end. With about 20 minutes to go, I was sure I had things figured out. And while I was partially correct, the movie had one more curveball up its sleeve. Very nice. If it weren't for the poor explanation of the killer's motivation, a couple of slow spots in the screenplay, and some questionable acting, I could have easily rated this one higher. Still, it's a nice giallo that fans of the genre should seek out.

6/10

Elizabeth Smart: Autobiography (2017)

A story of strength 26 December 2017

Elizabeth Smart: Autobiography is, as the name implies, Elizabeth Smart's story told in her own words. Smart was abducted as a young teen, held captive by a deranged couple, brainwashed, and repeatedly raped for almost a year before she was able to escape. The film also explores the pain and suffering experienced by her family as they faced the initial shock and terror of a missing child, their ordeal with the police, and the highs and lows they experienced trying to find Elizabeth.

I'm not sure "entertaining" is the right word to use, but Elizabeth Smart: Autobiography is certainly a compelling piece of television. Elizabeth Smart's story is one of courage, bravery, and an unending faith. It's the story of a girl who did whatever she had to deal with her situation and survive. Elizabeth Smart iis amazingly calm as she recounts her ordeal. The specifics she details are heartbreaking. I'm amazed at Smart's poise as the horrors she faced unfold. What an amazing woman.

The only reason I haven't rated this a 10/10 was that I wanted more from Smart and less from the family. While their ordeal was no doubt gut-wrenching, their story isn't as "interesting" as Elizabeth's. Less family and more Elizabeth Smart would have made this thing even better. Still, it's a minor quibble with what is overall a wonderful documentary.

After watching this, I was interested to learn more about Elizabeth Smart's story. I'm shocked to read numerous posts on the internet that doubt her and the truth behind her ordeal. Most question why she didn't try to escape and why it took her so long to admit she was Elizabeth Smart when questioned by the police. I think she does an excellent job of addressing this in the film. If you've never been in her situation, don't judge. You have no idea what she was going through. Her fear was real and her reluctance to do or say something is completely understandable. These doubters infuriate me.

9/10

The Legend of Tarzan (2016)

"Why is it people don't ride zebras?" 26 December 2017

Tarzan (Alexander Skarsgård) is convinced to return to Africa so he might help the Congolese people facing enslavement and other atrocities at the hands of Belgian diamond miners. Tarzan is accompanied by George Washington Williams (Samuel L Jackson) and, against his wishes, his wife Jane (Margot Robbie). Soon after their arrival in Africa, Jane is kidnapped by a man named Rom (Christoph Waltz). Rom has a plan to turn Tarzan over to an African chief, Mbonga (Djimon Hounsou), who wants to see Tarzan punished for the death of his son. Rom intends to use Jane as bait to lure Tarzan into Mbonga's hands for a fortune in diamonds in return. As you'd expect, Tarzan sets out to rescue Jane.

My little, poorly written plot summary for The Legend of Tarzan actually makes the film sound better than it is. The plot here is paper thin. A lot of what goes on makes no sense at all and characters generally behave in an irrational fashion with little motivation. All are 2D characters without much depth. The showdown between Tarzan and Mbonga should have been a highlight. Instead, it's one of weakest sequences in the film. It's over before it begins. It's frustrating to watch a film that could and should have been much better had anyone spent more time developing a solid and compelling story.

Beyond my issues with the plot, I wasn't crazy about the film's structure. Parts of the story are told in a series of increasingly frustrating flashbacks. Most of the flashbacks relate to Tarzan's origin story - something that felt unnecessary to include in this movie. Not only are the flashbacks annoying but they do a pretty poor job of explaining a backstory we're all familiar with. They only serve to bloat the film and unnecessarily increase the runtime.

The acting is all over the place. Skarsgård makes for a weak Tarzan. Oddly, he seems uninterested throughout most of the movie. Robbie really doesn't have much to do and is wasted. Jackson does what he usually does - he plays Williams just like every other character he plays. He seems horribly miscast to me. Hounsou and Waltz are the acting highlights for me. With more developed characters and better defined motivations, they're performances would have been even better.

Even though I've already listed a number of negatives, the biggest weakness in The Legend of Tarzan is the overuse of some really bad looking CGI. Most of the animals look terrible. The gorillas, lions, wildebeests (especially the wildebeests) - none of them look convincing. There's not a "real" looking animal to be found in the entire movie. But the worst example of poor CGI can be seen in Tarzan's swing through the trees. A hand drawn cartoon would have looked more realistic. It's some of the worst CGI I've seen. And speaking of Tarzan swinging through the trees - the whole notion is ridiculous. Tarzan goes from one conveniently placed vine to the next at a speed that would have made a cheetah envious. It's insulting. 

Despite everything I've written, it's obvious from my rating that I didn't find the entire film a total flop. There are moments here and there that work - Rom's diner scene with Jane being one example. So even though I've spent several paragraphs discussing the issues I had with The Legend of Tarzan, I'm still rating the film a 4/10.

4/10

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

"Whoa, we got us a little Mexican standoff!", 24 December 2017

There’s so much I could write about Transformers: Dark of the Moon that I’m not sure where to begin.  I think I’ll start with my one word review - wretched.  It’s one truly wretched movie.  I’m not sure how you spend almost $200 million and make something this bad, but Michael Bay found a way.  I usually begin one of these with a plot summary, but with Transformers: Dark of the Moon, I don’t see any point.  The plot here doesn’t really matter.  The plot is pointless.  It’s all about big explosions.  And if there’s one thing Michael Bay can do, it’s make a movie with big explosions.  The problem is that without a story I cared 2 cents about, the big explosions get pretty boring pretty fast.  At 2 hours 34 minutes and with no interesting story, this thing is like running a marathon in mud.  It takes forever.  By the time the film’s big finale rolled around, I was done.  I couldn’t take anymore.   What a bore!  But to be fair, I went back and watched the last part about three times because I kept falling asleep.  You would think that any movie that ends with giant robots doing battle would have an ending that would hold your interest.  That’s not the case here.  And if you’re going to begin your movie on the moon, why not end it on the moon?  We’ve seen Transformers battle on Earth before, so why not take the final battle back to where it all began?  What a missed opportunity.  And does Michael Bay believe in editing.  There’s so much fat here that could have easily been cut out.  For example, ss I said when writing about #2, why are Sam’s parents even in the film?  They add nothing but minutes to the runtime.  That’s just one example of the many I could cite. 


And I realize I’m starting to ramble, so I better stop here.  I could go on and on about the poor CGI, the bad inside jokes, and the embarrassing treatment of Leonard Nimoy’s legacy, but I won’t .  I don’t  want to overstay my welcome like Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

3/10

C.C. & Company (1970)

“Those characters over there - that's what gives motorcyling a bad name.”, 24 December 2017

C.C. Ryder (Joe Namath), a motorcycle mechanic, is a somewhat reluctant member of an outlaw biker gang known as The Head. By accident, he meets a fashion photographer, Ann McCalley (Ann-Margret), and saves her from the other members of his gang. C.C. falls for Ann, but realizes he'll have to leave the gang if he is to win her over. C.C. enters and wins a dirt bike race, giving him the funds he needs to strike out on his own and pursue Ann. But gang leader Moon (William Smith) doesn't see it that way. He wants C.C.'s money for his own and goes after Ann to prove his point. C.C. will have to defeat Moon if he is to be free of The Head.

Given its relatively poor online reputation, I'm as shocked as anyone by how much I enjoyed C.C. and Company. The movie just clicked with me and worked quite nicely. Director Seymour Robbie may have been mainly a television director, but I felt he handled this transition to film very professionally. C.C. and Company is well-paced with plenty of sight gags and fight scenes that work as intended. For example, the scene where C.C. steals the dirt bike is really cleverly handled. The shot of him towing the dirt bike behind his chopper was a real kick. As for fight scenes, the fight between C.C. and Moon in the creek is really well choreographed and filmed. It's a solid action piece. Robbie also manages to throw in some menacing set-pieces, none more so than the kidnap of Ann. Again, nicely done.

The acting in C.C. and Company is also a highlight. I wasn't expecting much from Namath, but he gives a reasonably competent performance. In a lot of scenes he's not asked to do much more than sit on his bike and smile, but when challenged, he's more than capable. Ann-Margret is Ann-Margret and gives the performance you expect. The chemistry she had with Namath seemed natural and easy. The real star for me, however, is William Smith. He plays Moon as a hulking, menacing presence capable of snapping at a moment's notice. He's always struck me as a wonderful actor and, here, he really gets a chance to shine. 

As I said near the start of this, I enjoyed C.C. and Company more than most. I was entertained throughout and that's all I ask of a film. A solid 7/10 from me.

7/10