The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries "The Mystery of King Tut's Tomb" #2.3 (1977) (TV)

Joe and Frank go to Egypt, 2 September 2007

On their way to meet their dad, Frank and Joe Hardy (Parker Stevenson and Shaun Cassidy) stop off in Egypt for a little sight-seeing. Before you know it, the boys are mixed up in stolen antiquities and a pretty American girl who has been kidnapped. Can the boys put the pieces together to solve The Mystery of King Tut's Tomb? More importantly, can they clear their own names and get their passports from the local police?

I admit, The Mystery of King Tut's Tomb isn't earth shattering in its originality, but I had a good time re-watching it for the first time in about 30 years. To begin with, the mystery elements are reasonably good. It's a fairly complicated story (okay, complicated for a Hardy Boys mystery – it's all relative) that takes a bit of time to unfold. And secondly, who doesn't enjoy a bit of mysterious ancient Egypt mixed into a mystery? I'm a sucker for this kind of stuff.

My biggest complaint has more to do with the start of Season 2 than it does this particular episode. First it was Transylvania and Dracula – now it's Egypt and King Tut. What happened to the more homegrown believable mysteries? Were the producers that desperate for ratings? While I don't necessarily think any of the first three episodes in Season 2 are particularly bad, none can compete with the majority of episodes from Season 1.

6/10

The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries "Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Meet Dracula" #2.1 (1977) (TV)

Goofy fun, 2 September 2007

Worried about their father who hasn't checked-in in over a week, Frank and Joe Hardy (Parker Stevenson and Shaun Cassidy) look for clues in the last European village he was known to have been in. The boys soon discover that their father was on the trail of a gang of art thieves who appear to be using the movements of the rock singer Allison Troy as cover. They also discover a young woman named Nancy Drew who is looking for their father. The next step seems obvious – follow Allison Troy to the next gig. But Allison Troy just happens to be headed to a rock festival in, of all places, Dracula's castle. Has Dracula returned and is he responsible for Mr. Hardy's disappearance? And what does Dracula have to do with missing artwork? It's up to our intrepid threesome of amateur detectives to find out.

Yeah, the whole thing really is as silly as it sounds. The Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew stumbling around secret passages in the bowels of Dracula's castle while a multi-day rock concert is going on above is without a doubt one of the more ridiculous ideas I've ever been asked to swallow. But even more ridiculous is Paul Williams as supposed rock god, Allison Troy. Sorry, I'll buy the Dracula story before I will Little Enos as a rock star. And it's not like there's much of a mystery surrounding the stolen paintings and the legend of Dracula. I spotted "Dracula" as soon as he came on screen. In all honesty, it's not very good.

Wait a minute – I admit The Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Meet Dracula isn't very good, yet I've rated it a 6/10? What gives? Well, there's no accounting for sentimental value in these things. While I can't remember this specific episode, The Hardy Boys / Nancy Drew Mysteries was one of my favorite television shows in 1977. And the goofy charm in every one of the episodes still appeals to me. The show may not work for everyone, but it has always worked for me.

6/10

Octopussy (1983)

"Pay attention, 007!", 30 August 2007

I'm a James Bond fan from way back. Some of my fondest memories of growing-up are James Bond movies on the ABC Sunday Night Movie. If Bond was going to be on, I couldn't wait. So it pains me to give a James Bond movie anything but a stellar rating as I've done with Octopussy. I saw it in the theater in 1983 and was terribly disappointed. Watching last night, my opinion has not changed in the 24 or so intervening years. It may not be the worst Bond movie ever made, but it comes close.

To write in detail about all of the problems I have with Octopussy would be unwieldy to say the least. Instead, I'll mention two examples that nicely encapsulate my issues with the movie. First, as many have mentioned in comments and reviews on the internet, Octopussy begins with a very well done pre-title sequence. The aerial chance sequence is a rip-roaring success. Bond lands his plane and pulls it up into a service station parking lot. It's unfortunate that the director chose this moment to have Roger Moore open his mouth and destroy the great start. Bond looks at the gas station attendant and in the smuggest manner possible says, "Fill it up." That's right, "Fill it up." Give me a break! I'm cringing all over again just thinking about it. I suppose that at the age of 56, Moore could no longer pull off the James Bond role physically so they resorted to comedy. Well, the quipping, one-line machine that James Bond became during the time Roger Moore played the character is not the James Bond I enjoy. Sure, Connery used comedy, but it was more of an after thought. In contrast, I sometimes get the feeling with Moore that the elaborate stunts and special effects were done just to set-up a one-liner. I realize that this is an exaggeration, but it pretty well sums up my feelings on the matter.

The second example I'll cite occurs very near the end of Octopussy just as James Bond arrives at the circus with the intention of disabling the nuclear weapon. The chase between Bond and the clueless authorities takes him in and around the circus performers' trailers. Seizing an opportunity, Bond ducks into a trailer to avoid being caught. Now, grabbing something to use as a disguise makes sense, but does Bond do that – No! He actually takes the time to put on full clown make-up complete with the tear on the cheek! Huh? He has something like less than five minutes to disarm an atomic bomb and he stops to put on clown make-up! Again – give me a break! And exactly how did he put on that make-up in less than a couple of minutes? James Bond movies have always asked the audience to stretch believability, but this is utterly ridiculous. He can do a lot of things, but James Bond cannot stop time. I suppose the whole point of the scene is to get Roger Moore into the goofy clown make-up. James Bond – the Clown. Kind of gives some insight into what the producers, etc. thought of the character.

There are other issues I have with the movie that I could write about including the ridiculous crocodile boat, Roger Moore's all too obvious stunt-double, the incredibly lame title theme song, or Kristina Wayborn's weak attempts at acting. But I've already concentrated enough on the negative aspects. And it's not as if Octopussy is all bad. This is James Bond after all so there is some fun to be had. But if a fanboy like myself can rate a James Bond movie a very pedestrian 5/10, well then you know it has problems.

5/10

Blood Waters of Dr. Z (1975)

"The formula they all laughed at -- Z sub A, A sub T... ZaAt!", 29 August 2007

Even though I watch a lot of bad movies, it's been awhile since I've seen a plot that made less sense than the one found in Blood Waters of Dr. Z. For reasons known only to him, Dr. Kurt Leopold decides the planet would be a better place if fish were to take over. After a rather lengthy voice-over soliloquy on the subject, he dunks himself into a tank and comes out transformed into some sort of poorly designed would-be fish-creature. With his handy spray bottle filled with I'm not sure what, he sets out on his mission to lead the catfish in a takeover of the Earth. Before you can say "carp", Dr. Leopold's plan seems to be forgotten in favor of finding a mate he can transform into a would-be fish-creature. (Actually, I'm of the opinion that getting laid was Dr. Leopold's goal the whole time. Forget about the nonsense of a master race of fish.) As the bodies start to pile up, old fish-boy soon has some scientists and the local sheriff on his tail. Can they put a stop to Dr. Leopold and his plans for world domination?

Whether you call the movie Blood Waters of Dr. Z or Zaat or ZaAt or Attack of the Swamp Creatures, it really doesn't matter. Crap by any name is still crap. The movie is Grade A bottom-of-the-barrel film-making. As I pointed out, the plot is ridiculous. The technical aspects of the films like lighting, sound, special effects, editing, etc. are beyond bad. The direction is amateurish at best. And as for the acting, I'm not in the least surprised to discover that no one involved ever did anything other than appear in this monstrosity (okay, one guy does have one other credit, but that's it). Quite honestly, my rating of a 2/10 is incredibly generous. I'm sure there's a reason I didn't give Blood Waters of Dr. Z the dreaded 1/10, but sitting here 12 hours after watching the movie, I can't come up with a valid explanation.

One of the comments on IMDb bemoans the fact that the majority of people rating and reviewing Blood Waters of Dr. Z have only seen the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version (that's how I saw it also). The comment states that the real movie has 30 or so minutes edited out by the MST3K crew and the movie shouldn't be judged unless someone has seen the whole thing. Well why in God's name would I want to see 30 more minutes of this trash! The time I've already devoted to Blood Waters of Dr. Z is above and beyond what it deserves. Just be glad more people haven't seen that additional footage as I'm guessing the rating would be even lower if they had.

2/10

Secret Agent Super Dragon (1966)

- New York chiama Superdrago
Marisa Mell and Margaret Lee would give any Bond girl a run for her money., 28 August 2007

I'll keep the plot synopsis short and sweet. Most of Secret Agent Super Dragon was so unnecessarily confusing that little of the plot seemed to matter anyway. In this James Bond wannabe, CIA agent Super Dragon (Ray Danton) goes up against a Venezuelan drug lord who uses candy to distribute his merchandise. Anything else beyond that wouldn't be much more than speculation as I found myself completely in the dark during much of the movie. I'm not one who needs to be spoon-fed plot points, but how about making what's going on just a little clearer? Too much of the movie seemed like a series of unrelated set pieces that didn't fit together.

But the biggest problem with Secret Agent Super Dragon is the same thing that plagues a lot of these James Bond inspired films – money. The James Bond movies had the financial backing to pull it off. These Italian movies like Secret Agent Super Dragon can't match that kind of money. As a result, they suffer from weak scripts and acting, a lack of interesting multiple locations, poor special effects, a very anti-climatic ending, and anything else you can spend money on to make a movie better.

That's not to say the movie was a total waste. In fact, I enjoyed quite a bit of it. Danton is above average in the title role. He's slick and clever – just what you would expect from a secret agent. Marisa Mell and Margaret Lee would give any Bond girl a run fir her money. Finally, there is a sense of fun about the movie that I liked a lot. Those behind the movie were smart enough to never take it too seriously. As a result, the movie's light, almost bubbly, feeling is an asset.

6/10

King Dinosaur (1955)

"What a desolate, forsaken place.", 26 August 2007

Scientists discover a new planet and decide to send an exploratory rocket with four scientists (two men and two women – how convenient) aboard. The planet closely resembles Earth with its breathable atmosphere, lush vegetation, and plethora of wildlife. The place seems simply ideal – that is, until they visit an island in the middle of a nearby lake. The island's inhabitants aren't as cute and cuddly as the lemur they've adopted and named Joe. The island is home to dinosaurs! Can our band of intrepid scientists escape the island before they become a snack?

One of the things I enjoy about 1950s sci-fi is that regardless of how bad or ridiculous a movie might be, these movies usually have a certain naive charm about them. That's not the case here. King Dinosaur has nothing that could remotely be called "charm". It's an abysmal mess. Even by Bert I. Gordon's standards it's a wretched movie (and if you're unfamiliar with Gordon's other works, those are some pretty low standards). The plot is pathetic. The acting is plain out pitiful. The depiction of the "scientists" and "science" is ludicrous. The special effects are a laugh-out-loud joke. The staged lizard/iguana/alligator fights are reprehensible. At least half the movie is composed of stock footage. And the movie is such a technical mess that I'm surprised this bunch of bozos was even able to get it on film. I'm racking my brain, but I've got absolutely nothing positive to say.

But the most ridiculous moment in King Dinosaur (and one of the most ridiculous moments in movie history) comes about 5 minutes before the movie's end. Before the four "scientists" leave the island, one of them says, "I brought the atom bomb. I think it's a good time to use it." Huh? What did he just say? You mean he's been carrying an atomic weapon around like a loaf of bread? Carrying around food, water, or . . . oh I don't know . . . scientific equipment might make sense, but an atom bomb? I could even see carrying some sort of small hand-held weapon for self defense, but a nuclear warhead? It's got to be one of the most ridiculous moments ever put on film.

1/10

Atragon (1963)

- Kaitei gunkan
And I so wanted to embrace this movie, 25 August 2007

Japan and the rest of the world are under the threat of attack from the mysterious underwater kingdom known as Mu. Their plan is to turn the land into their colonies and enslave the surface dwellers. The people of Mu fear only one thing – Atragon, a super-secret (so secret in fact that no one knows about it) flying submarine that has the potential to defeat the Mu. But Atragon is being built by a Japanese officer from WWII who is unaware of his countries surrender. He's reluctant to use his new submarine for anything but the greater glory of Japan. But when the Mu kidnap his daughter, he softens his stance and finally agrees lead the charge against the Mu.

Overall, I can't help but be very disappointed by Atragon. The movie sounded so good – a flying submarine, a mysterious underwater kingdom called Mu, and a giant snakelike creature named Manda. What could go wrong? Well, the plot is what went wrong. Nothing much happens during the first ¾ of the movie. I don't know how many times I found myself waking up and reversing the movie. There's not enough flying submarine, Mu kingdom, or Manda to make Atragon exciting. It's not until the finale that something exciting finally happens.

And it's a shame because I find I usually go for the more offbeat of the Toho movies that stray from the usual Godzilla storyline. For example, movies like Matango or The Mysterians are among my favorite Toho films. And Atragon had Ishiro Honda directing and a cast that included several familiar and solid actors. Atragon also features the standout Toho miniatures I always enjoy. But in my opinion, everyone involved was letdown at every opportunity by a less than stellar screenplay. I just expected (or at least hoped for) better.

5/10

Moon Zero Two (1969)

It's got style to burn!, 25 August 2007

Moon Zero Two features two seemingly unrelated plot threads with Capt. William H. Kemp (James Olson) as their only connection. In the first, a distraught woman is looking for her brother, a miner on the far side of the moon. She enlists Capt. Kemp to help her by taking her to the brother's claim site. In the second, a very wealthy individual hires Capt. Kemp to help him catch an asteroid and bring it crashing to the moon's surface. The asteroid is actually a giant sapphire. It's near the end of the movie before Capt. Kemp is able to put the two pieces of the plot together, discover the brother's fate, and make a decision on helping with the sapphire plan.

What Works:

- Acting: Overall, the acting in Moon Zero Two is a step above what I expected. But then again most Hammer films, regardless of any other shortcomings, generally featured above average acting. I was especially impressed by Catherine Schell and Warren Mitchell.

- Style: A lot of people knock it, but Moon Zero Two has more style going for it than a runway in Paris. If you liked the retro look of something like Austin Powers, you'll see the real thing in this movie. From the go-go dancers and their mod outfits to the far-out bar furnishing, the movie's got style to burn. I suppose the best example is the outfit worn by Catherine Schell when she makes her first screen appearance. Words cannot do it justice – suffice it to say that it is the epitome of 60s style.

- The narrative: As I've already indicated, Moon Zero Two features two seemingly unrelated plot threads that are brought together only near the film's end. While I watched the movie, I realized the plot would come together, but I never once guessed correctly how this was going to be pulled off. It's a clever bit of screen writing.

What Didn't Work:

- James Olson: It's not that Olson is particularly bad in Moon Zero Two, but he lacks the qualities normally associated with the lead in a movie. He's just not a very interesting actor (a nice way to say "He's boring"). Someone with a little more pizazz would have been preferable.

- Pacing: The biggest single problem I had with Moon Zero Two is the movie's tendency to bog down and go nowhere for extended periods of time. There are great stretches of the film where nothing interesting at all is going on. A little tighter editing might have been a judicious choice.

- Music: I don't remember the last time I found a film score as annoying as the one in Moon Zero Two. I suppose it could be called freestyle jazz or something like that, but to me, it was just plain headache inducing. And it all seemed so inappropriate given the action on screen. For example, the two main characters might be riding across the moon's surface when out of nowhere the audience is treated to a random trumpet blast. Annoying!

Overall, while there's much I did enjoy about Moon Zero Two, there's an equal amount that bothered me. But in this case, the "fun" factor wins out and I'll give it a 6/10.

The copy of Moon Zero Two I have was aired as part of Mystery Science Theater 3000. This was a first season episode and it suffers like a lot of the early episodes from inconsistent riffing from the guys at MST3K. Some of the jokes are funny, but there's either not enough of them or they miss their mark. Either way, I found myself wanting to turn down the comedy track to pay attention to the movie. I'll rate Episode #111 a 2/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

6/10

Nancy Drew -- Detective (1938)

"Aw, quit disturbing the molecules!", 24 August 2007

Mary Eldredge, a wealthy older woman, is prepared to make a substantial donation to the school Nancy Drew (Bonita Granville) attends. But when she disappears before the gift can be finalized, Nancy immediately suspects foul play. And when Nancy witnesses the local doctor being kidnapped, she's sure she's on the right track. Can Nancy, with the help of her friend Ted Nickerson (Frankie Thomas), find and rescue the old woman?

Honestly, I wasn't expecting to enjoy Nancy Drew – Detective quite as much as I did. Sure, I'm a fan of 1930s-style mysteries like the Charlie Chan or Falcon series, but from afar, I've always thought of the Nancy Drew movies too lightweight and fluffy in comparison (though when I think about it, there's nothing deep and meaningful about Chan or any of the other movies I've enjoyed for years). And though Nancy Drew – Detective is a breezy affair, it's still very enjoyable. I cannot come up with enough positives to write about Bonita Granville. She has an infectious charm that dominates the entire movie. It's hard to watch her and not have a smile on your face. You just naturally root for her. The supporting players, particularly John Litel as Carson Drew and Frankie Thomas as Ted Nickerson, also add a lot of enjoyment to the movie.

The mystery elements of Nancy Drew – Detective hardly matter. It's quite obvious from the start what has happened to the old woman Nancy is looking for. But none of that really matters. The important thing is watching Nancy and the gang get to the final solution. It's just a lot of fun!

7/10

Mars Needs Women (1967) (TV)

What Mars really needs is something more exciting than this!, 23 August 2007

The message coming from space is clear – Mars Needs Women! A genetic malfunction has lead to a shortage of Martian women capable of producing offspring. An exploratory force is sent to Earth to collect a few suitable specimens to be used in reproductive experiments on Mars. The Martian scheme is going as planned until the Martian leader named Dop begins to fall for an Earth woman. His infatuation with the woman puts the entire Martian plan in question.

Those crazy days of political incorrectness that were the 60s. It was a time when a movie about the abduction and rape of a group of women could be considered "family" entertainment. It was a time when a doctor specializing in space medicine was known first and foremost as a "stunning brunette". She even insists on calling herself a "pretty girl with a PhD". It certainly was a very different age.

For a movie that stars Tommy Kirk and Yvonne Craig, I was expecting something along the lines of an intergalactic beach movie. I expected something light-hearted and fun. Mars Needs Women couldn't be much further from fun if it tried. It's too serious for its own good. So instead of fun, the movie dishes up a heaping helping of boredom. The whole concept behind the movie is too silly to attempt to play it this straight. Everyone involved needed to lighten up. Had they done so, Mars Needs Women might not have been so terribly dull – and bad.

3/10

The Descent (2005)

"Hey, there's something down here...", 23 August 2007

Sometimes I feel like I'm a couple of years behind everyone else. I had read the reviews from my online "friends", but for whatever reason, I had a hard time believing what they were writing about The Descent. I thought there was no way it could be that good! Well, they were right and I was wrong because The Descent is surely one of the best horror films this century has thus far produced. I've been watching horror for 35 or so years and it takes a lot to frighten me. I mention this not as a boast, but to put some credence behind my statement that The Descent is one of the scarier movies I've ever seen. It's frightening because it works on several different levels. There's the fear of closed spaces. There's the fear of the dark. There's the fear of the unfamiliar. And there is the fear of some unknown creature. Director Neil Marshall masterfully plays with each one of these types of fear. I was literally on the edge of my seat. In addition, most everything else about The Descent is first rate – acting, special effects (nice to see so much non-CGI on display), sound, editing, lighting, cinematography, etc. It's a very nice job indeed!

Another thing that Marshall did that I really like was he kept it "real". What I mean is that everything worked within the framework of reality as the audience knows it (well that is if you accept the notion of the underground creatures). The women were real and most of their reactions to the situations they found themselves in were real. The cave felt real even though it wasn't. The cave lighting was real and justified given the equipment the women were carrying. Even the albino mutants seemed to operate and function in a manner I would expect from such creatures. It's this realism that Marshall put into The Descent that goes a long way to making it as frightening as it is.

As good as The Descent is and as much as I enjoyed the experience, it's not a perfect movie. There are a couple of areas where I thought Marshall should have done something differently. First, did there have to be a final showdown between two of the women? I realize it was necessary for the subplot of Sarah taking control of her life, but did it have to be so clichéd? Second, some of the foreshadowing all but slaps you in the face with its obviousness. Yeah, she left the map in her car – do you have to beat me over the head with it? I realize these are very minor quibbles and hardly take anything away from the movie.

Finally, I can't wait to see what Neil Marshall comes up with next. He is truly one of the most promising directors working in horror today.

9/10

Rocket Attack U.S.A. (1961)

Film-making at its most abysmal, 22 August 2007

Rocket Attack U.S.A. is film-making at its most abysmal. There is absolutely nothing positive I can come up with to say about the movie. Both artistically and technically the movie is horrible. When you watch something this bad you at least hope to have a laugh or two along the way. Rocket Attack U.S.A. is so deathly dull that it's not even "so bad it's good". The movie seems to have been made as a propaganda piece in the wake of the successful launch of a Russian Sputnik satellite. But I cannot imagine this movie did anything to get the people behind a U.S. missile program.

I'm not sure how much anyone should expect from a no-budget movie with Barry Mahon as director. Take a look at some of his other directorial credits - The Adventures of Busty Brown (1964), Hot Skin, Cold Cash (1965), or Fanny Hill Meets Dr. Erotico (1967). Is there any real surprise that Rocket Attack U.S.A. is as bad as it is?

1/10

Zero Hour! (1957)

"Our survival hinges on one thing - finding someone who not only can fly this plane, but didn't have fish for dinner.", 22 August 2007

It's like déjà vu all over again. Until last night, I had never seen Zero Hour!, but I feel as if I've seen it a dozen times. I knew that some of Airplane! (the sick girl and singing nun for example) came from Airport, but I had no idea just how much was taken from Zero Hour! Airplane! is like some weird comedic remake or re-imaging of Zero Hour! – and they nailed it right down to the exclamation mark. And it's not just ideas or concepts that were taken from Zero Hour!, entire sections of dialogue were lifted and used in Airplane! I'm shocked to discover that lines like "I guess I picked the wrong week to give up smoking" weren't written especially for Airplane! The dialogue is so similar that when little Joey visits the cockpit and the captain asks if he's ever been in cockpit before, I kept waiting for him to ask "Have you ever seen a grown man naked?" as he does in Airplane! Even some of the performances in Airplane! are eerily reminiscent of Zero Hour! Take Robert Stack in the role originally done by Sterling Hayden. Amazing stuff! The funny thing to me about this example, however, is that Hayden is actually more intense in the role than Stack could have dreamed.

Giving a rating to Zero Hour! is difficult. Even if you've only seen Airplane! once (and I've probably seen it a couple of dozen times over the years), it's all but impossible to keep a straight face (Who am I kidding? It's impossible not to downright laugh out loud.) when Johnny goes to make coffee or when Stryker straights sweating buckets behind the controls of the plane. It's impossible to take the melodrama of Zero Hour! seriously. So I don't know how I would rate the movie had I never seen Airplane! I would like to think I would have still enjoyed the experience and would have formed a similar opinion. But I have seen Airplane!, so I have that built in bias. In the end, because the movie kept me entertained (for whatever reason) throughout it's brief 81 minute runtime, I'm rating Zero Hour! a 7/10.

7/10

Horrors of Spider Island (1960)

- Ein Toter hing im Netz
"Stop that bawling, you're driving us all nuts!", 19 August 2007

Horrors of Spider Island is about as cheap and schlocky as a movie can get. The movie is about a group of Euro-broads and their manager, Gary. The group of strippers . . . err, I mean dancers . . . is headed to Singapore for some unknown reason - must have been a shortage of bad dancers in Southeast Asia. On the way, their plane miraculously turns into a stock footage WWII era bomber, catches fire, and plummets at full speed into the ocean. Even more miraculous, none of the dancers (or Gary) has so much as a scratch. After floating around in a life raft for a few days, they spot an island. In one of the movies many ridiculous moments (wait a minute, the whole thing is ridiculous), after reaching shore, Gary carries the woman one at a time to safety. The women seem incapable of movement until Gary announces he's found water. The girls are immediately on their feet and in herd fashion with lots of overdubbed "oohs" and "aahs" and other such random murmurings, the girls race to the water. Feeling refreshed, they begin their exploration of the island and stumble upon a cabin. Inside, they find the dead body of a Prof. Green caught in an incredibly large spider web. The girls run in fear as the beefy Gary removes the body. Without a second thought, the girls move in as if nothing ever happened. I guess it never occurred to any of these Einsteins that there must be a giant spider to go with that giant spider web.

The inevitable occurs and the group of tired, hot Euro-babes start to get on each others nerves. Before you can say "Catfight", two of the girls are at each others throats. To cool off, the girls decide to strip down and sleep on the cabin's porch. Gary goes for a walk to "clear his head" and is never seen again. Gary has run into the giant spider (really it's more of a spider-muppet with crab legs and monkey hands) that no one seemed to be overly concerned with. Gary is bitten and instantly turns into some sort of poorly made-up were-spider. Half man, half spider – Gary now stalks the girls from a safe distance. He does, however, somehow manage to get hold of one of the girls and strangle her to death. Other than that, Gary pretty much remains in the background until the movie's final reel.

About to run out of food and other supplies, things are looking desperate for the girls. Survivalists they ain't! As luck would have it, two guys show up with fresh supplies for the professor. The girls are so excited they're about to be saved (but probably not as excited as the two guys who have just discovered an island full of strippers . . . oops, did it again . . . I mean dancers) that they forget all about their missing manager or their dead friend or anything else and decide to throw a bikini dance party. Makes perfect sense to me!

So, what happens next? What about the dance party? Are the girls saved? Do they ever make it to dancer-starved Singapore? I can't possibly answer those questions without giving away the movie's thrilling climax. You'll just have to watch it and find out for yourself. But consider yourself warned – as I said in the opening, Horrors of Spider Island is about as cheap and schlocky as a movie can get. Poor acting, poor special effects, no plot to speak of, abysmal production values, the worst dubbing imaginable, and stock footage at every turn. It's one bad movie! But, I must add that Horrors of Spider Island isn't so bad that there aren't a few entertaining moments. Granted, most are of the unintentionally hilarious variety, but they're there just the same. If you've got a sense of humor about these things, Horrors of Spider Island is a gold mine of movie cheese.

3/10

Charlie Chan at Monte Carlo (1937)

A weak, but still enjoyable Chan film, 18 August 2007

Traveling from Monte Carlo to Nice, Charlie Chan and No.1 son Lee discover and abandoned car. Inside the car, they find the dead body of a bank messenger who was transporting $1 million in bonds belonging to a wealthy industrialist named Victor Karnoff. There is no shortage of suspects: Paul Savarin – Karnoff's business rival; Joan Karnoff – Victor's wife who was being blackmailed; Al Rogers – a shady bartender; Evelyn Gray – a woman living above her means; or Karnoff himself for the insurance money. It's up to Charlie Chan to discover the truth.

Charlie Chan at Monte Carlo would be Warner Oland's last performance as the venerable detective. Unfortunately, it's one of the weakest Chan films Oland would make. It's not his fault – instead the blame can be placed on a weak script and a couple of other factors. Chan films notoriously cheat the viewer in that the solution to the mystery too often relies on facts not available to the audience. Charlie Chan at Monte Carlo is especially guilty of this. Key clues that help trap the killer are known only to Chan and the French Police Inspector. As for the other factors I mentioned, one of these would be Harold Huber. Huber, who appeared in two other Chan films, really lays it on thick here with his over-the-top acting and ridiculous French accent. It gets annoying rather quickly.

Still, this is Charlie Chan I'm talking about so it's not all bad. In fact, even a weak Chan film is still an enjoyable experience. It's just a shame that Oland couldn't have gone out on a higher note.

6/10

Charlie Chan on Broadway (1937)

Big Time Spoiler Alert, 18 August 2007

Charlie Chan and #1 son Lee get mixed up with a mysterious woman on board a ship bound for New York. Unbeknownst to Chan, the woman is the former girlfriend of a gangster with information that, if published, could blow the lid off the underworld. She hides a small package in Chan's luggage to make sure it gets to New York safely. Shortly after arriving in New York, the woman is murdered in an office at the Hottentot Club. Can Chan discover the woman's secret and find her killer?

Charlie Chan on Broadway is yet another very solid entry in the Chan series. Warner Oland and Keye Luke are as good and entertaining as ever. Plus, anytime I see the names Marc Lawrence or Leon Ames in the credits, I know I'm in for a good time. But the highlight of this one has to be the killer's identity. It completely caught me off guard.

BIG TIME SPOILERS – If you've seen enough of the Charlie Chan movies (or any other detective type movies from the 30s and 40s), there are a few absolutes you can generally count on. One of them is that the Chan movies usually feature a young couple in love. While both may come under suspicion at some point in the movie, they are always exonerated by the end to continue their dreamy relationship. That's not the case in Charlie Chan on Broadway. One of the last people I expected – the male half of the ideal couple – is found to be the killer. It really threw me for a loop! END OF BIG TIME SPOILERS

Overall, I'm very pleased to have discovered a "new" Charlie Chan film. I look forward to revisiting it many times in the future.

7/10

Charlie Chan's Secret (1936)

"Necessity mother of invention, but sometimes step-mother of deception.", 18 August 2007

After many years' absence, Allen Colby is on his way home to reclaim his inheritance. But there seems to be someone who wants to make sure he doesn't make it. There are plenty of suspects – Aunt Henrietta Lowell and the rest of the extended family who have grown accustomed to living off the money, Professor Bowen and Carlotta the medium who stand to benefit greatly from the generosity of Henrietta Lowell, the caretaker Ulrich who blames Colby for his daughter's death, and the family's lawyer Warren Phelps who has enjoyed administering the family's estate. Any one of these people could have it in for Colby. When Colby's lifeless body turns up at a séance, its up to Charlie Chan to find the killer.

I'm not sure how other Chan fans feel about Charlie Chan's Secret, but for me, it's a real winner. It's got everything that I could ask for in one of these movies – Warner Oland at the top of his game, atmosphere, a house full of suspects, mediums and séances, an old house with secret passages, and on and on it goes. What fun! Sure, if you sit and think about the plot too hard, it starts to fall apart. But that's not the way to watch a movie like Charlie Chan's Secret. Just turn your mind off and let it entertain. For me, it's one of the better films in the series.

There are a number of special things or moments or people in Charlie Chan's Secret that I could discuss, but I'll limit this to mentioning Herbert Mundin who plays Baxter, the butler. With no Number 1 son in sight, Mundin essentially plays the role usually reserved for Keye Luke in these early Chan films. And he does so masterfully. His comic bumbling is the perfect counter to the straight-laced Oland. One scene I especially enjoy is when Mundin must cross in front of a window through which a bullet has just passed. It's a small moment, but it's played to perfection. It's a nice performance from a talented actor.

8/10

The Black Camel (1931)

"Death is a black camel that kneels unbidden at every gate.", 17 August 2007

On her way to Hawaii to make a movie, actress Shelah Fane meets and falls in love with a very wealthy man. She intends to marry him but something from her past is troubling her. After she is talked out of going through with the wedding by her psychic Tarneverro (Bela Lugosi), Shelah Fane is found dead in her ocean front bungalow. Unfortunately for the murderer, Charlie Chan (Warner Oland) is on the case.

I am a very unabashed Charlie Chan fan. So finally having the opportunity to watch the oldest known surviving Chan film (okay, I realize there are older films with the Chan character, but I do not consider them part of the official series) was a real treat. And if nothing else, The Black Camel is wonderful from a historical perspective. It's a fascinating look into the early developments of the Chan character. It's also a chance to see a very early example of sound used in a movie. And on the basis of these facts alone, the movie deserves to be seen and enjoyed.

But the movie is more than just a historical curiosity. It's an enjoyable murder mystery. It's by no means perfect, but I was nonetheless entertained throughout. The cast is surprisingly strong. In later films, Oland would play Chan more confidently, but here it's interesting to watch him get his feet wet with the character. Lugosi always excelled at playing these foreign mystic type roles and does so here. Also on hand are a very young Robert Taylor, Dwight Frye, and C. Henry Gordon who appeared in a number of Chan films. Overall, it's a nice cast.

The plot in The Black Camel is fairly interesting and director Hamilton MacFadden keeps things moving at a good pace. It's not the most compelling Chan mystery, but I did enjoy playing along. I must confess, however, that the ending does get a bit muddled as to the how's and why's of everything. As The Black Camel was released in 1931, there are a number of shortcomings in the movie common with many of the other early talkies. The movie suffers from the "stagey" feeling I sometimes notice. Also, a soundtrack would have gone a long way in creating even more interest in the film. But these weaknesses are easily forgivable.

Overall, Chan fans should rejoice that The Black Camel is finally available on a legit DVD release. I know it's made me very happy.

7/10

Hollywood After Dark (1968)

- Walk the Angry Beach
So wretched that I felt like retching, 17 August 2007

A junkyard owner is approached by two hoods to help them with an armored car heist they have planned. Although hesitant at first, he agrees after meeting and falling for a stripper trying to break into acting. He wants the money to help her get away from the seedier side of Hollywood. The robbery goes off as planned, but the would-be criminals turn on each other with disastrous consequences.

I've seen a lot of bad movies over the years, but only a handful fall into the I-want-to-gouge-my-eyes-out category. Hollywood After Dark is one such movie. It's bottom of the barrel in every respect. The acting is horrendous; the plot is a disaster; the direction is Coleman Francis-ish; the stripper scenes are mind-numbingly awful; and on it goes. Hollywood After Dark is a tawdry, dirty, and depressing mess of a movie. I wasn't sure when the movie ended if I should take a shower or slit my wrists. It's that bad!

And if the movie wasn't already wretched enough, just wait until Rue McClanahan takes the stage for her burlesque number. That's right – Golden Girl Rue McClanahan is a stripper! It's one of those moments that I could have gone all my life without seeing. Now that I've got that visual back in my head, add retching to my list of things I thought about doing after watching the movie!

1/10

Lovejoy (1986) (TV)

"Comfortable" Television, 16 August 2007

I am so excited that Lovejoy has finally come to DVD. I used to love the show, but hadn't seen an episode since the A&E network stopped running it some years ago. So as I put the first DVD in the player, I was ready for a huge letdown. But to my surprise and delight, the show is just as good as I remember – a good mix of mystery, action, and comedy with some interesting, fun characters and just a dash of history. Lovejoy is old-world British charm meets modern day realities and cynicism. Watching Lovejoy is akin to wearing an old pair of shoes or a favorite sweater – it's comfortable. It's always been the kind of television that works best when I curl up on the couch late at night. And making the show so special and enjoyable is Ian McShane. I've yet to see him in Deadwood, so I am most familiar with McShane in this role. And what a pleasure to watch he is. He makes Lovejoy a carefree, smart, sly, resourceful character not above doing something underhanded especially if it will help out a friend. He's the kind of guy you want on your side. He is ably assisted by a terrific supporting cast that includes Dudley Sutton as Tinker Dill, Chris Jury as Eric Catchpole, and Phyllis Logan as Lady Jane Felsham. Together, they're wonderful. While the easygoing style and subject matter of Lovejoy may not appeal to those wanting a thrill-a-minute and MTV style editing, it suits me perfectly.

I can't wait for Season 2!

8/10

Kitten with a Whip (1964)

"Why, David, I thought I'd never find you in ladies' underwear.", 16 August 2007

Jody (Ann-Margaret) is a teen on the run. She finds an empty house and decides to use it as a place to spend the night. After she's asleep, the house's owner, Senatorial candidate David Patton (John Forsythe), returns home and makes his way to his bed. The next morning, Patton finds Jody in his house and, after hearing her sob story, agrees to help the girl out by buying her some clothes and a bus ticket. But when Patton comes home that night, he finds Jody has returned with a whole different attitude. If Patton doesn't do as she demands, she'll yell "Rape!" How would it look if it were known that the future Senator spent the night in a house with a seventeen year-old runaway while his wife was out of town? Patton is caught between rock and a hard place.

I actually watched Kitten with a Whip a week or more ago and I've been trying to write something about it ever since. I've found it a difficult movie for me to get a grip on. Admittedly, it's got its fair share of problems (actually it's got a whole bunch of problems) but it's so bizarre, so surreal, and, ultimately, so oddly compelling that I can't help but give it a good rating. It's not even the movie I was expecting. Kitten with a Whip isn't nearly as lurid as either the title, plot description, or tagline ("She's all out for kicks... and every inch of her spells excitement!") seem to suggest. Remember, this is 1964 and made by Universal – a relatively conservative time and a very conservative company. Yet the more I watched, the more I found myself being entertained in that trashy sort of way. The bluesy, smoky soundtrack was appealing. The overwrought melodrama grew on me. The ridiculous hipster dialogue started sounding less annoying. The plot's absence of logic began to matter less and less. And most surprising, I discovered that I actually began to care about the characters played by Ann-Margaret and John Forsythe. In the end, regardless of all its shortcomings, Kitten with a Whip is one entertaining experience.

I actually have Mystery Science Theater 3000 to thank for bringing this movie to my attention. And though I enjoyed the movie, I found that the MST3K commentary actually took away from the experience. I would like to see the movie without the comedy. So, while I rate Kitten with a Whip a 7/10, I'll give the Episode #615 a 2/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

7/10

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958)

"You know everyone's seeing satellites these days.", 15 August 2007

Nancy Archer (Allison Hayes) is a wealthy woman with a cheating husband. But that's really the least of her problems. One night while out in the desert, Nancy runs into a giant from outer space. She is found the next morning unconscious on top of her pool house. While under the care of her doctor, something strange begins to happen to Nancy. She begins to grow. In no time at all, Nancy is as big as the alien she ran into. And at 50' tall, there's nothing stopping her from putting a halt to her husband's cheating ways.

How in the world can you watch Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman and not have a good time? I think some people take movies like this too seriously and are so busy analyzing the poor special effects, the cheap sets, the ridiculously large plot holes, the iffy acting, and the rest of what gives this movie its charm that they don't know how to sit back, relax, and just enjoy it. Is Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman good? Well, no, not in the traditional sense. But I've seen it at least a half a dozen times and it's never failed to entertain. If you enjoy campy 50s movies at all, this is one that's not to be missed. Still not convinced? Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman also features 50s B-movie icon Allison Hayes in a bed sheet bikini. That's reason enough to tune in!

6/10

The Host (2006)

- Gwoemul
A rousing success and a ton of fun, 11 August 2007

An irresponsible U.S. Army doctor has his Korean aid dump a large quantity of toxic chemicals into the sink. The chemicals drain straight into the Han River with an unexpected and disastrous result. The chemicals are responsible for the creation of a giant mutant monster with a taste for human flesh. The creature goes on a rampage and takes a girl named Hyun-seo into the river. She is presumed dead until her father receives a garbled call from Hyun-seo's cell phone. Is she really alive? Hyun-seo's family takes to the sewers in search of her.

I've been a fan of Creature Features for as long as I can remember. I grew up on stuff like Godzilla, Rodan, and the other multitude of giant creatures attacking every major city on the planet. With The Host, we have a new giant creature for a new millennium. And for the most part, it's a rousing success and a ton of fun. The opening scenes are some of the best and most believable (if any of this stuff can really be called believable) giant creature on a rampage that I've ever seen. The creature design is great. It's just what I would picture from a something horribly mutated by toxic chemicals. And I can't think of many movies where CGI was used better or more appropriately. It's really quite phenomenal. Equally amazing is the mix of humor and horror present in The Host. Some scenes are creepy while others had me all but laughing out loud. And then there's the ending. I'm not going to give it away, so I'll just say that it's much more touching than I could have imagined. It all but brought a tear to my eye. Overall, The Host features quite an intelligent, well-written script and is surely one of the better movies of this type I've seen in a long time.

As much as I enjoyed The Host, it's far from perfect. To begin with, I tend to agree with some of those who found the second act disappointing. It's not that the middle portion of the movie is bad or anything, it's just not the thrill-a-minute of the opening scenes. My other problem relates to the film's anti-American stance. While I would agree that the filmmakers have every right to express whatever political opinion they may have, it's a bit overdone and too obvious in my opinion.

8/10

Killers from Space (1954)

"Those eyes! Those HORRIBLE eyes!", 10 August 2007

While monitoring a nuclear test, a plane carrying Dr. Douglas Martin (Peter Graves) mysteriously crashes in the desert. When the wreckage is found, there is no sign of Dr. Martin's body. It seems that Dr. Martin has been revived by a group of aliens living under the desert. They want Dr. Martin to spy for them and help them pave the way for their conquest of Earth.

I really thought I was going to enjoy Killers from Space more than I did. It's got all the hallmarks of a movie that should be goofy fun. But the thing ends up being so damn dull that it's difficult to watch. The problem is that nothing (and I mean absolutely nothing) happens during the movie's entire 71 minute runtime. Watch Peter Graves run this way – watch Graves do an about face and run the other way – watch as Graves changes his mind yet again and heads in another direction. This goes on for what seems like an eternity. It really is one incredibly painful experience.

And what about the aliens in Killers from Space? Could they be any goofier looking? A bunch of fat, doughy, Robert Vaughn-looking white guys with ping-pong balls for eyes – ooohhh, I'm so scared! How utterly ridiculous!

2/10

Hercules Unchained (1959)

- Ercole e la regina di Lidia
An instance where the sequel is better than the original, 6 August 2007

Hercules Unchained picks up right where Hercules (1958) left off. Hercules and his new bride, Iole, are headed to Thebes. A fight for the throne between two brothers puts a kink in Hercules' plans, so he decides to act as peacemaker. But before he can carry out his mission, he mistakenly drinks from the "waters of forgetfulness" and is taken prisoner by Queen Omphale. Unsure of his real identity, Hercules is at the Queen's mercy and is reduced to being her plaything. Meanwhile, Iole is caught between the warring brothers and faces death. Can Hercules come to his senses in time to save his wife and his beloved Thebes?

Hercules Unchained is one of those instances where I find the sequel superior to the original. First off, the movie is just more interesting. The original Hercules had a tendency to drag. While Hercules Unchained isn't a thrill-a-minute, there is certainly more action. Second, I think everyone involved from the actors to the director seemed more comfortable in their respective roles in the sequel. That's only natural. Finally, and probably most importantly, Mario Bava's influence is more pronounced and evident in Hercules Unchained. There are instances throughout the movie that show his touch. For example, when Hercules meets the old king in the cave, the use of colored gel lighting in the scene simply screams Bava. Take a look at that scene and compare it with what Bava would do in his on Hercules movie, Hercules in the Haunted World, and see if you don't agree.

A lot of different muscle-bound actors would play the role of Hercules in these Italian productions, but none would do it any better that Steve Reeves. In this instance, the original is still the best. Others cast in the role may have been better actors and some may have been more gifted physically, but few could combine the two into a single package as effectively as Reeves.

I realize that these Italian sword and sandal movies may not be for everyone, but I really get a kick out of most of them. For anyone new to these movies, Hercules Unchained would make an excellent jumping off point.

7/10

Boggy Creek II (1985)

"These river bottoms are truly a sight to behold.", 5 August 2007

For the life of me, I cannot imagine why anyone thought that The Legend of Boggy Creek (1972) needed a sequel – and 13 years later at that. The first Boggy Creek movie isn't anything special (though I admit to an explained fondness for it), but episode #2 is something different altogether. Boggy Creek II is beyond bad. In this one, Professor "Doc" Lockart from the University of Arkansas assembles a team to explore the swamps of Southern Arkansas in hopes of finding the Boggy Creek Monster. Along the way, he tells his research assistants stories of the creature. Once in the swamp, they encounter something they can't explain, but come away with no real proof. No proof, that is, until they make the fateful decision to take a boat trip down river to Old Man Crenshaw's place. There, they find all the proof they'll need.

The actual legend of the Boggy Creek Monster seems to be about as ridiculous as this movie. I'm probably wrong about this, but if it weren't for Charles B. Pierce, I doubt anyone would have even heard of the thing. He has single-handedly kept it alive. And some of the stories he uses in Boggy Creek II as evidence of the creatures existence are just plain old stupid. Through his mayonnaise covered flashback lens, he relates the story of an old man who has a blowout while traveling a lonely stretch of road one night. While changing the tire, the man is "attacked" by something. He never regains consciousness before dying. Pierce blames the creature. Huh? So let me get this straight – the man dies before he can tell anyone his story yet Pierce jumps to the conclusion that he was attached by some mythical creature? Yeah, right. That's certainly one giant leap in logic. Why not just blame all the unexplained deaths in Southern Arkansas on the creature? Sure would save a lot of time and effort.

The other problems with Boggy Creek II are too numerous to even attempt to mention. Everything from the believability of the "research team" to the acting to the special effects is bottom of the barrel. And you can put the blame squarely at the feet of auteur Charles B. Pierce. What's more pathetic is Pierce's apparent attitude toward the whole thing. He has a smug look on his face that just screams "Hey! Look at me! Writer, director, actor – boy, am I cool or what?" Even sadder (if it can get any worse) is that Pierce plays it all with the straightest of faces even while wearing short-shorts and waving a gun at a guy in a monkey suit. And his narration is just as bad (or should I say funny). His unnatural style of delivery, combined with some incredibly corny lines about the beauty of nature, is laugh out loud funny. Unintentionally, Boggy Creek II is a laugh riot!

3/10

Indestructible Man (1956)

Chaney could play the menacing brute as well as anyone, 5 August 2007

After the criminal known as Charles "Butcher" Benton (Lon Chaney, Jr.) is put to death in the gas chamber, his body finds its way to the laboratory of a Professor Bradshaw. Bradshaw is doing some cancer experiments with electricity and can always use a fresh corpse. But his experiment has a side effect he is not prepared for – the electricity brings The Butcher back to life. In his rejuvenated state, The Butcher cannot be harmed – seemingly, he is impervious to all attacks. After getting rid of Bradshaw and his assistant, The Butcher heads for San Francisco. He's looking for the three men that set him up and sent him to death row. Of course the police are looking for The Butcher, but how do you stop an Indestructible Man?

I'm not going to go overboard and call Indestructible Man a great movie or anything. There are too many problems to do that. But for a B-movie from the 50s, it's got a lot going for it. First, and most obvious, is Lon Chaney, Jr. By 1956, Chaney was already past his prime and headed toward self-destruction, but he still had a definite presence. He could play the menacing brute as well as anyone. Director Jack Pollexfen's decision to repeatedly use close-ups of Chaney's twitching eyes, though, gets a bit old (if not pathetic) after a while. For the most part, the rest of the acting is good. The exception to me is Max Showalter. He was just too annoying and unsuited for the part of the male lead. The plot in Indestructible Man is a lot of fun. Watching Chaney throw bad guys down flights of stairs is a hoot. Unlike some other B-movies of the period, Indestructible Man moves at a good pace with only a drive-in dinner scene slowing things down. Finally, I really enjoy some of the period photography found in the movie of San Francisco in the mid-50s. There are some very interesting outdoor shots of the city.

I've actually seen Indestructible Man a number of times, but this latest viewing was the first with the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary. This MST3K episode isn't bad, but it's not all that memorable either. I'll give it a 3/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

5/10

Black Candles (1982)

- Los ritos sexuales del diablo
All the sleaze in the world can't save this movie, 4 August 2007

When Carol (Vanessa Hidalgo) starts looking into her brother's death, she begins to suspect something more sinister than "natural causes". The closer she gets to the truth, the more of a threat she becomes to her sister-in-law, Fiona (Helga Line), and the rest of the local Satanists. They'll do whatever is necessary to put a stop her nosy ways.

If you're into sleazy, Satanic-themed movies, Black Candles has a lot to offer. The movie is filled with plenty of nudity and ritualistic soft-core sex. One scene in particular involving a young woman and a goat must be seen to be believed. Unfortunately, all the sleaze in the world can't save Black Candles. Most of the movie is a total bore. Other than the one scene I've already mentioned, the numerous sex scenes aren't shocking and certainly aren't sexy. The acting is spotty at best. Even genre favorite Helga Line gives a disappointing performance. The plot really doesn't matter. Its main function seems to be to hold the string of dull sex scenes together. I'm only familiar with one other movie directed by Jose Ramon Larraz. Compared with his Daughters of Darkness that masterfully mixes eroticism and horror, Black Candles comes off as amateurish. 3/10 is about the best I can do.

3/10

Prince of Space (1959)

- Yûsei ôji
"You there! Discharge the caustic vapors!", 4 August 2007

A spaceship from the planet Krankor invades Earth with the intention of stealing a new rocket fuel formula. Fortunately for all of humankind, Prince of Space is on hand to thwart the aliens at every turn.

I have never seen Prince of Space without the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary and, to be honest, I'm not sure I want to. Usually, when I write about a movie that appeared on MST3K, I focus on the movie – not the television show. I pride myself in being able to separate the movie from the silliness going on around it. I can't really do that with Prince of Space. It's the kind of movie that was just made to be lampooned by MST3K. Annoying Japanese kids, ridiculous looking aliens, an even more ridiculous looking hero, crazy weapons, cheesy dubbed dialogue, bad special effects – Prince of Space has it all in spades. The riffs hit their marks almost every time and have me laughing out loud more than once. Some of the quotes that leave me in stitches include:

"Tokyo: a rare Godzilla-free day"

"I am the lemon zester of destruction."

"Crank whore?"

"An exchange of deadly negative scratches!"

Yeah, it's silly, but boy is it fun. While I rate the movie Prince of Space a 2/10, I'll give episode #816 a 5/5 on my MST3K rating scale. It's truly one of the best.

2/10

Tormented (1960)

Much better than its reputation would suggest, 4 August 2007

Tom Stewart (Richard Carlson) is getting married in a week. The only problem is that his old flame, Vi Mason (Juli Reding), doesn't want their relationship to end. She confronts Tom in an abandoned lighthouse and threatens to use a stack of love letters as blackmail if he goes through with his wedding. But, as luck would have it, the railing Vi is leaning on gives way. All Tom has to do is reach out and grab her. Instead, Tom watches as Vi plummets to her death. With Vi out of his life, Tom is free to marry his new sweetheart. But is Vi really gone? Tom begins hearing her voice and seeing her image everywhere he turns. Can Vi stop Tom's wedding from the grave?

Overall, Tormented is an enjoyable little film. It's got its share of problems, but the movie is certainly better than the IMDb rating of 2.7 would indicate. While I'm sure that Tormented's low budget nature, spotting acting, and other perceived weaknesses are partly responsible for the rating, I think there are probably some other factors at play here. First, Tormented was produced and directed by Bert I. Gordon. I'm quite confident that there are people out there who just assume that if Mr. B.I.G. had anything to do with it, it's got to be bad. Second, Tormented has appeared on a number of budget DVD releases. Appearing alongside public domain dreck can't be good for a movie's reputation. Finally, Tormented was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000. I love(d) the show, but I don't subscribe to the notion that all MST3K movies are inherently bad. With all this going against the movie, I'm just surprised the rating isn't any lower.

As I said, Tormented is a nice little movie. There are a few very effective, creepy moments as Tom begins to hear Vi's voice. I especially love the disembodied head on the end table. Good stuff! Another scene that really works for me comes just before the final credits. As far as I'm concerned, the ending shot in Tormented is an inspired moment of genius. Richard Carlson is a solid actor and gives a nice performance, though in all honesty, he's a bit long in the tooth to be playing the role he's asked to here. I also thought that Juli Reding did a nice job. Some of her scenes as Vi tormenting Tom are choice.

6/10

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

"You could have dinner with us...", 3 August 2007

The plot of The Texas Chainsaw massacre is actually quite simple – A group of young people are traveling across Texas to visit a family grave-site before making their way to a concert. They run into a hitch-hiker and decide to give him a lift. Bad idea! It no time at all, they realize how crazy their new passenger is. But he's nothing compared with the rest of his family that our band of travelers is soon to encounter. They'll have to fight to stay alive or they'll become victims of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

If you were to ask me about what makes The Texas Chainsaw Massacre a horror classic and such a well remembered film, my answer would be even simpler than the movie's plot. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre has an intensity that few (if any) horror movies can match. In a nutshell, that's all there is to it. The intensity comes from the raw, gritty, brutal feel of the movie that, once the family is introduced, does not let up for a moment during the second half of the movie. Another contributing factor to the film's visceral edge is its realism. From the acting to the sets to the lighting, it all has a realistic, almost documentary feel to it as if the horrifying events on screen were actually happening. It is a gut-wrenching experience that never fails to leave me feeling drained. And isn't that the intent of a movie like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? As far as I'm concerned, this is what horror is all about.

I would be remiss if I wrote something on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and didn't mention Marilyn Burns. Her performance is quite simply amazing. Some argue that all she does in the second half of the movie is scream. Well, have you ever tried to do that? Have you ever tried to look terrified beyond all imagination for that length of time? Her only defense mechanism against the terror she faced was to scream and Burns does that to perfection. I have no difficulty at all in proclaiming it one of the ten best performances by a female in a horror movie. She's just that good.

I try to restrict the 10/10 ratings I give out to those movies that I consider to be the best of the best. I want it to mean something. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of the movies I'm quite comfortable in rating a 10/10.

10/10

The Magic Voyage of Sinbad (1953)

- Sadko
These Russian fantasy movies just don't appeal to me, 3 August 2007

I'll skip the normal plot synopsis and get right to it. Besides, anything I could write about the plot would hardly matter as the American bastardization of Sadko that I watched appears to bear only a passing resemblance to either the original Russian movie or the classic Russian folktale on which it was based. First off, I wonder whose bright idea it was to turn the character named Sadko into Sinbad. Let's see, Sadko is a poor Russian musician – Sinbad is an adventurous Middle-Eastern sailor. A lot of similarity there, huh? Secondly, I really have to wonder if the Russian version of the movie included anything about a quest for a bird of happiness. I say this because in the end the bird hardly seems to matter at all. It's almost as if the idea of the bird was added to the American version to give some sort of justification for "Sinbad" going to sea.

Beyond the problems of Americanizing this Russian movie, I have problems with the bits of the original Sadko that seep through. As I stated in my recent review of The Sword and the Dragon (aka Ilya Muromets), I'm not a fan of this style of Russian movie or acting. "The Sword and the Dragon seemed to be filled with such broad overacting that it became absurd. I realize that the movie was made over 50 years ago in the Soviet Union. I understand that the movie is filled with messages and other pro-worker propaganda. And I appreciate the importance of the film as a relic of the communist system. But none of that means I have to actually like the movie." If you change the title of the movie, this quote accurately reflects my feelings on The Magic Voyage of Sinbad. And even though I realize that my appreciation of the movie might be improved if I were to have the opportunity to see the original film, I doubt the change would be drastic.

Like many others, I saw The Magic Voyage of Sinbad through Mystery Science Theater 3000. I enjoyed this episode much more than the previously mentioned The Sword and the Dragon episode. Overall, some very funny riffs. I'll give episode #505 a 4/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

3/10

Poirot "The Murder of Roger Ackroyd" #7.1 (2000) (TV)

"I beg of you a thousand pardons, but these vegetable marrows, they have driven me to the edges of barbarity!", 2 August 2007

In most instances, I like to begin one of these "reviews" (I put that word in parentheses because I'm not sure that what I'm doing here would actually constitute a "review") with a plot summary. But, this being Agatha Christie and all, I would hate to give away even the most insignificant of clues. So I'll be very glib and just say that there's a murder, lots of suspects, and Hercule Poirot (I told you I was being glib).

I was prepared to write a rather lengthy review detailing all of my many problems with The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, but after reading what others have already written on IMDb, I'm not sure I see much of a reason. The issues I have with the film have been spelled-out more eloquently than I could ever hope. Like many other Agatha Christie fans, I've always thought of The Murder of Roger Ackroyd as one of her better efforts. It's a clever mystery told in an unusual style (at least unusual for Christie). As other reviewers have noted, gone is much of the mystery that makes the book so wonderful. Instead, the movie adds on a quite tacky finale that's completely out of character with the source material. I understand that creative license must be taken to bring these novels to television, but this time it's just too much. I could, and probably should, have rated The Murder of Roger Ackroyd lower, but the acting, sets, locations, etc. are too enjoyable to rate it a total disaster.

Maybe someday someone will tackle The Murder of Roger Ackroyd and gets it right.

4/10

Xena: Warrior Princes "Fallen Angel" #5.1 (1999) (TV)

Heaven and Hell, 1 August 2007

Having just been crucified by Roman soldiers, Xena and Gabrielle find themselves surrounded by angels and headed to Heaven. But before they can arrive, they are attacked by demons from Hell lead by their nemesis Callisto. While Xena makes it safely to Heaven, Gabrielle is taken to the depths of Hell. For Xena, spending an eternity in Heaven without Gabrielle is just unacceptable. She rallies the archangels to her cause and sets out to save her friend. But what price is Xena willing to pay for Gabrielle's soul?

Talk about your epic battles of Good vs. Evil. It doesn't get much bigger than a band of archangels doing battle with demons from Hell. And even when you consider all the places and things that Xena and Gabrielle experienced through the entire run of Xena: Warrior Princess, a struggle between Heaven and Hell is still groundbreaking stuff. Given that Xena was made with a modest television budget, the special effects in this particular episode are quite good. Sure, there are a few moments when the CGI starts to resemble a video game, but again, we're talking about an episode of a television show. I really enjoyed the acting in "Fallen Angel". All three actresses (Lucy Lawless, Renee O'Connor, and Hudson Leick) seemed to "get into" their chance to play a demon. And what about that ending? Callisto was always one of my favorite characters, but even I realized that it was time for her to go. Her redemption and salvation are a highpoint of the entire series. Overall, "Fallen Angel" is probably ten or so favorite episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess.

9/10

Queen of Outer Space (1958)

"Hiya, dolls. Glad to hear you're on our side.", 31 July 2007

When a mysterious ray destroys a space station and sends a spaceship hurtling off course, a group of astronauts finds themselves on a strange, seemingly deserted planet. Seemingly deserted, that is, until the inhabitants of Venus make themselves known to the astronauts and take them prisoner. The first thing the group of Earthlings notices (and how could they help but notice) is that Venus is inhabited by women only – there are no men. Fearing the group of men might be an advance team scouting for a possible invasion from Earth, the Venusian Queen sentences the astronauts to death. But a scientist named Talleah (Zsa Zsa Gabor) would rather make love - not war. She leads a group opposed to the Queen's ways and does what she can to help the men escape.

Queen of Outer Space is another of those movies that I find very difficult to rate. On the one hand, you've got an incredible amount of camp appeal. The movie is a mix of Zsa Zsa as a scientist who can't stand still without posing, some inspired set design, vivid colors, leggy Venusian women in short skirts and high-heels, wacky dialogue delivered with a completely straight face, arcane sexist jokes, and some of the best unintentional (at least I think it was unintentional) humor you can find. It's so completely off the wall and deliciously silly that I cannot help but like it. But where there's one hand, you usually find the other. The movie has its share of problems that I cannot overlook. Chief among them is some very uneven pacing and a plot that has a tendency to drag. Add to that some less that stellar acting from some of cast and what seems to be disinterest on the part of others, I can't rate Queen of Outer Space as high as I would like. In the end, I've taken the easy way out once again. I've split the difference and given the movie a 5/10 - while it may be a camp lover's dream, there are problems that kept me from fully enjoying the Queen of Outer Space.

5/10

Night Key (1937)

A "new" Karloff film is always welcome, 30 July 2007

David Mallory is an inventor. Twenty years ago, he invented an alarm system that was so good his partner, Steven Ranger, stole his ideas and set-up his own security/alarm firm without compensating Mallory. Well, Mallory has now developed two new inventions. The first is an improvement on his old system – an electronic beam that detects intruders. He intends to sell the improvement to Ranger. It' s not until his old buddy does him wrong a second time that Mallory unveils his second new invention – an electronic key that will allow anyone who uses it to bypass the Ranger security system. Mallory begins using it to set off alarms all over town as a joke to annoy Ranger. But when the local crime boss gets wind of Mallory's invention, he wants it – and not for practical jokes.

While Boris Karloff is always welcome in any movie he appeared in, the role of David Mallory could, in all honesty, have been played by just about anyone. The role did not require Karloff's unique talents and abilities. I suppose that's one of the things that bothers me the most about Night Key – you have Karloff, why not use him to the fullest? I understand that Universal owed Karloff a movie, but why make this? Why not put him in something more in keeping with the image that Universal had already built up? It doesn't make much sense to me.

Overall, however, Night Key is an enjoyable little b-type picture. The film is nicely paced with rarely a lull to loss interest. Director Lloyd Corrigan does a solid job in that area. And the 68 minute runtime doesn't hurt either. The acting is good. Other than Karloff, I was impressed with Jean Rogers as his daughter and Hobart Cavanaugh as his less than reputable new friend. Though it's often predictable, the plot is nonetheless engaging. While I could have done without the subplot involving the relationship between Rogers' characters and one of the Ranger security guards, I've got few complaints otherwise. Overall, Night Key is not a bad way to spend an evening.

6/10

The Sword and the Dragon (1956)

- Ilya Muromets
Interesting as a relic, but that's as far as I can go, 29 July 2007

Reading through the various user comments on IMDb for The Sword and the Dragon (the title I saw the film under) I notice words like surreal, bizarre, goofy, ridiculous, wacky, and weird. I can understand how someone might use each of these adjectives to describe the movie. As I watched, I might have been tempted to use any one of these words at various times. But unfortunately, one word you won't see me use is "entertaining". The style of the movie did not appeal to me in the least. The Sword and the Dragon seemed to be filled with such broad overacting that it became absurd. I realize that the movie was made over 50 years ago in the Soviet Union. I understand that the movie is filled with messages and other pro-worker propaganda. And I appreciate the importance of the film as a relic of the communist system. But none of that means I have to actually like the movie.

So overall, while I appreciate the opportunity to see something as different and unique as The Sword and the Dragon, I'm not in any hurry to rush out and create a fan club. Interesting? – Yes. Entertaining? - No.

I saw The Sword and the Dragon courtesy of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I've heard such good things about all of the Russo-Finnish films that I was excited to give this one a chance. Sadly, it didn't live-up to the hype. The comedy too often is directed at the obvious - making fun of a different culture. In the end, I'll rate this episode a 3/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

3/10