The Avengers (1998)

"I often think of 6 impossible things before breakfast." 14 September 2018

Disclaimer:  I’m a HUGE fan of the original The Avengers television series (well, at least the Emma Peel era).  It’s brilliant. With great anticipation, I went to see this film in the theater back in 1998. It had a lot to live up to, but I tried to be fair with my assessment.  Unfortunately, the movie failed on almost every level. I rewatched The Avengers last night for the first time in 20 years. I wondered if time had been any kinder to the film.

The short answer is no - The Avengers is still (and will always be) a steaming pile of dung.  The movie is a bloated, boring, and often confusing mess. There are so many problems I have with this one that I could quite literally write pages.  However, for brevity’s sake, I’ll limit my discussion to two of the most obvious issues:

1. The relationship between Steel and Mrs Peel was one of the main things that always made The Avengers special.  It was the soul of the entire series. In the movie, it never works. To begin with, Ralph Fiennes and Uma Thurman have nothing that resembles real chemistry.  They never click and it all feels forced. The relationship in the original was always flirtatious, but never went much further than a knowing look. Having Steed and Mrs Peel engage in a real relationship as pictured here destroys all the mystery.

2. The plot is a complete disaster.  You can read about how the movie originally ran much longer but was gutted after comments form test audiences.  The resulting mess is full of plot holes, events with no explanation, and an apparent lack of logic. Not that I think these missing minutes would have helped that much, however.  If you put the cut footage back in, you’d probably only add to the films utter dullness. I was bored to tears.

I could go on about the acting, the ridiculous special effects, the poor editing, the invisible Patrick Macnee, or the fact that so much of the movie feels random simply for the sake of being random.  But really, why bother? With a movie this bad, the time I’ve already spent on The Avengers is more than it deserves. While I rate the original series a 9/10, I’m being generous with the 2/10 I’m giving the movie.  

2/10

The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant (1971)

"Uh, my neck hurts.", 13 September 2018

Attach the head of a deranged psycho-killer to the body of a hulking man-child - what could go wrong?  Well, in the case of The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant, the answer is just about everything.

Before I sat down with The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant last night, if you had asked me, I would have sworn I’d seen it before.  Easy mistake as I’ve watched the movie The Thing with Two Heads a couple of times and the similarities are numerous. Both feature a similar ridiculous plot device, bad “special” effects, AIP, generally poor acting, and a name actor or two slumming it.  I think my confusion is understandable. And while neither is very good, I remember enjoying The Thing with Two Heads much more than The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant. I remember having a certain amount of fun with the former, while the latter is a joyless, mean-spirited exercise in filmmaking.  Take the treatment of Pat Priest’s character. She spends most of the film drugged, gagged, and locked in a cage. NIce, huh? What could and should have been a cheesy good time never so much as brought a smile to my face. Overall, it’s a wretched experience.

The lone bright spot is Bruce Dern.  Despite the dreck around him, he’s pretty good.  Admittedly, there a times where his professionalism is misplaced, but you can see the quality.  Take the scene where Dern is internally debating the ethics of the surgery he’s about to perform.  The consternation he’s experiencing comes through on-screen. Like I said, it’s misplaced, but it’s there.  

2/10

Subterfuge (1968)

Joan Collins is easily the best thing Subterfuge has going for it., 12 September 2018

Very briefly, Subterfuge’s plot goes something like this:  U.S. spy MIchael Donovan (Gene Barry) is enlisted by his British counterparts to ferret out a mole hiding in their midst.  Donovan decides to use the marital difficulties facing one of his suspects to his advantage. Donovan cosies up to Anne Langley (Joan Collins) to gain information on his target.  As you might have guessed, things get complicated when Donovan ends up falling for Anne

Subterfuge should have worked on me.  It’s got a lot of what I normally enjoy:  spy shenanigans, interesting locations, kidnappings, double-agents, double crosses, chase scenes, fight scenes, and Joan Collins.  The problem is that the movie doesn’t have much of a plot - at least one that’s interesting. Subterfuge is deathly dull. I’ll admit that the last act does get a bit interesting, but by that point, I was really struggling to stay awake.  The baddies are boring, the plot is confusing, and Gene Barry isn’t very exciting. That’s not much of a recipe for success. Joan Collins is easily the best thing Subterfuge has going for it. She shines in every instance she appears on-screen.  Unfortunately, though, she’s stuck with Barry. Their relationship and chemistry is as lacking as the plot. Overall, there’s not much here to recommend. A generous 4/10 from me.

4/10

Flight to Nowhere (1946)

What’s Evelyn doing in this dog?, 7 September 2018

A charter pilot gets mixed up with some stolen nuclear secrets and a few baddies that want to get there hands on these secrets.  The pilot and the bad guys play a game of “hot potato” with the prized envelope as it’s passed (or stolen) from one person to the next - over and over.  It’s all handled in the most excruciatingly dull manner imaginable. Seriously, I could barely hold my eyes open. And for a movie that runs at something like 75 minutes, that’s not a good sign.  

Beyond the wretched screenplay, I could go on and on with the problems I had with Flight to Nowhere.  The laundry list would go something like this: It’s cheap with poor lighting and even worse cinematography.  Everything looks horrible. Even the music feels cheap. The sets are bargain basement and some of the acting is laughably bad.  I know this wasn’t a big budget, “A” film, but I’ve seen a lot of “B” movies that looked a million times better than this. Overall, a 3/10 for Flight to Nowhere is being generous.  

One final thought - how many hits to the head can one man take?  Our pilot hero should be suffering from a horrible case of post-concussion syndrome.  There’s no way I would trust him in the air with the repeated head trauma he suffers in this movie.  

3/10

Bandolero! (1968)

“Why do you ride with men like these?”, 24 July 2018

The hangman is summoned to take care of a band of bank robbers lead by Dee Bishop (Dean Martin).  But the real hangman never makes it. Instead, Dee’s brother Mace (James Stewart) takes his place.  Just as the robbers are about to have their necks snapped, Dee uses Mace’s gun to make a daring escape.  With a posse hot on their heels, the gang heads for Mexico. Along the way, they pick up a hostage, Maria Stoner (Raquel Welch).  Maria just happens to be the widow of one of the men killed in the bank holdup. They’ve got a good lead on the dogged sheriff, but once they enter Mexico, they’re in bandolero country.  They’ll have to elude,not only the sheriff, but the local bandits if they’re to escape.

As is obvious from the rating I’ve given Bandolero!, I enjoy this movie.  It’s not perfect - far from it in fact - but it’s got a lot going for it that really works on me.  First, the opening 45 minutes with the robbery, hanging, and escape moves at a really nice pace. It’s a nice way to get things kicked off.  

Second, the acting is stellar and a real key to my overall enjoyment.  Stewart gives a surprisingly touching performance that I wasn’t expecting in a movie like Bandolero!  Martin plays it straight and comes off looking like a real actor. Welch isn’t great, but goes a long way to redeeming herself in the film’s finale.  The supporting cast is top notch with Will Geer, Denver Pyle, Andrew Prine, Guy Raymond, and George Kennedy. Kennedy, in particular, is worth mentioning.  He plays against type and imbibes his Sheriff July Johnson with unexpected vulnerability.

Third, i got a real kick out of Jerry Goldsmith’s score.  Seemingly inappropriate at times, it reminded me a bit of something you’d hear from Morricone in an Italian Western - not an American made Western.  

There are other touches here and there, like some really impressive scenery, but I won’t go into detail.  The biggest complaint i have is with the plotting and pacing after the initial escape. Once in Mexico, the film settles into a predictable pattern - ride, camp, attempted rape, Dean Martin saves the day - repeat.  Still, the overall film is entertaining enough for me to rate a 7/10.

7/10

The Case of the Curious Bride (1935)

"Better look in the coffin, Wilbur. We'll finish our coffee at the morgue.", 23 July 2018

There are a lot of different film genres I enjoy, but one I’ve enjoyed as long as I can remember (at least 45 years) is 30s/40s-era detective/murder mysteries.  For reasons I can’t explain, the early Perry Mason movies have, until the other night, remained unknown to me. I love the Thin Man, Falcon, and the Saint - Perry Mason ticks all the same boxes.  Mix a decent little murder mystery with a bit of nice comedy, snappy dialogue, an appealing cast, and a well-shot, nice looking film and you’ll end up with film that will most likely work on me. The Case of the Curious Bride may not be the best of the bunch, but it is a whole lot of fun.

The plot involves a worried woman named Rhoda.  She tracks down Perry with a story of “friend” who has recently remarried, but is worried her first husband may not be dead after all.  What should the “friend” do? It doesn’t take a detective to see that Rhoda’s in trouble. Perry agrees to help, but before he can do much, Rhoda’s first husband turns up dead - for real this time.  With Rhoda the chief suspect and Perry’s reputation on the line, he’s got to find the real killer.

The Case of the Curious Bride has a couple things going for it.  First, Warren William’s Perry Mason is a joy to watch. Similar to Nick Charles, Mason is a worldly sort - capable of everything from cooking a gourmet meal to solving a murder to just about everything in between.  And he does all with style and grace. His barbs, directed at the police or whoever gets in his way, and his overall wit are real treat. He’s quite a character.

The second is Director Michael Curtiz.  His direction, even in a relatively “small” picture like The Case of the Curious Bride, is spot-on.  The direction is snappy, without a single wasted scene. Curtiz deftly gives the film a light, airy feel that works.  The mix of comedy, mystery, and action is handled expertly. He was a real underrated professional.

Overall, a real treat that I easily rate a 7/10.  

7/10

The 50 Best Horror Movies You've Never Seen (2014)

A stroll down horror's memory lane, 19 July 2018

I'll get to the contents of the film's list in a second, but overall, I enjoyed this stroll down horror's memory lane. For me, I've seen the vast majority of these movies. And those I haven't, for one reason or another, I have no desire. The doc moves at a nice pace and the "experts", fans, and insiders are interesting enough. There's not much to complain regarding the film's presentation. I suppose that if I had to pick one negative with the way things are presented it would be with some of P J Soles commentary. It's a bit groan-inducing in spots. 

It's difficult to put together one of these lists and make everyone happy. What you call a hidden gem, I might have seen a dozen times. Or something you love, I might find retched. So, here are a few of my arguments and agreements with the list of 50 movies presented:

- I'll start with a few of the films I completely agree with. These are films that would easily appear on a similar list if I put one together: When a Stranger Calls, Motel Hell, April Fools Day, Lemora (shocked to see it here), Exorcist III (very underrated), Alice Sweet Alice, Repulsion, Audition (probably my top ranked movie on the entire list), The Descent, and Night of the Hunter (even though I'm not sure it's really horror).

- A few movies I would never put on this list: Valentine (hated it!), The Brides of Dracula (it's good, but there are better, equally obscure Hammer films I would include), Halloween III (who doesn't know about this movie), Tourist Trap (fun enough, but not as good as this doc would have you believe), and Food of the Gods (really?).

I'll end this with a list of 20 films I would add to the titular 50. It's a non-US heavy list, but I've tried to stay away from the better known movies from the likes of Bava, Argento, or Fulci. In no real order:

1. The House with Laughing Windows
2. Eyes Without a Face
3. The Island of Lost Souls
4. Mad Love
5. Le Boucher
6. Onibaba
7. The Curse of the Crying Woman
8. The Plague of the Zombies
9. Spoorloos
10. Alucarda
11. The Black Pit of Dr. M
12. Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter
13. Mill of the Stone Women
14. Shock Waves
15. The Queen of Spades
16. The Ninth Gate
17. Mark of the Devil
18. Race with the Devil
19. A Tale of Two Sisters
20. Scream of Fear

6/10