The Loves of Hercules (1960)

Even Peter Lupus makes a better Hercules than Hargitay, 19 September 2014

I've seen dozens of Hercules (or Maciste or Atlas or whatever you want to call him) movies over the years, but The Loves of Hercules just might be the worst of the bunch. It's got so many problems, there's no way I can innumerate all of them. A few I'll mention:

1. Mickey Hargitay doesn't fit my image of Hercules at all. Guys like Steve Reeves, Reg Park, Alan Steel, Lou Ferrigno, and even (I can't believe I'm saying this) Peter Lupus are more suited to the role and better look the part. You know it's a bad sign when Herc's love interest physically dominates him. His acting is as stiff and unnatural as the Hydra he battles. And Hargitay wasn't helped by the dubbing choices made for the movie. The Shakespearian wannabe who voiced Hercules in this movie got it all wrong.

2. I just can't take Jayne Mansfield seriously. She has less believability in her role than Hargitay in his. She doesn't do drama very well.

3. The Loves of Hercules is also known as Hercules vs the Hydra. As I've already alluded to, the Hydra is horrible. It doesn't move! A boat anchor has more dexterity than this thing. To kill it, Hercules calmly walks underneath it, hits it with a few very weak and awkward looking ax blows, and the middle head just sort of falls off. End of the Hydra.

4. As the movie went on, I became frustrated with Hercules' motivations. At the beginning of the movie, he sets out to avenge the death of his wife (I think she was his wife). However, his motivation changes completely the moment he meets Deianira – his new one true love. The dead wife is all but forgotten. Next, the moment he meets the Deianira look-alike Hippolyta, he falls madly in love with her. Herc apparently falls for any woman with two legs in his immediate vicinity. What happened to being a good, upstanding guy with some sort of moral compass?

5. Herc's fight with the bull – nothing else needs to be said.

6. The big finale, the storming of the palace/castle, is about as lame as you'll see. Herc's big contribution is to carry a wooden wagon wheel over his head so he can presumably block the archers' arrows. Why not shoot around him? The wheel's not that big. Or, why not go low and shoot Herc's legs? He carries the thing so high that his head is about the only thing truly protected. Like I said, lame.

Other than Massimo Serato as the evil Licos, I can't think of anything else positive to say. I'm going to be very generous and give The Loves of Hercules a 3/10 for curiosity value if nothing else.

3/10