Die Another Day (2002)

"I know all about you, 007. Sex for dinner, death for breakfast.", 11 November 2017

When I first saw A View to a Kill back in 1985, I thought the Bond series had hit rock-bottom. I didn't think it possible to make a Bond movie I would like less. However, in 2002, I witnessed the hot mess that is Die Another Day and realized that, yes, you could make a Bond movie that would make A View to a Kill look like a masterpiece in comparison. This movie is so bad and makes me so mad that I actually prefer listening to Tanya Roberts yell "James' from the back of that firetruck than watch this junk.

The plot - what's the point - it's as stupid as the rest of the film. I could literally write multiple pages detailing all of the issues I have with this blight on the Bond series. Instead, I'll do the now familiar laundry list:

1. Let's start with a big one - DNA replacement. The whole notion that a Korean dude could turn into a white Englishman in just a couple of years by using something preposterous sounding like DNA replacement is ridiculous. I can't believe anyone actually wrote this and thought viewers would just buy into it.

2. Madonna's title song - There have been a lot of great songs to appear in the Bond opening credits - Shirley Bassey in Goldfinger, Sheena Easton's song in For Your Eyes Only, Paul McCartney's Live and Let Die theme, and Garbage's The World is Not Enough (a real favorite of mine). Madonna's song, in comparison, is BAD. It's a trendy, auto-tuned pile of dung. It will never appear on this list.

3. The Invisible Car - Plain old stupid. And the way Bond uses it (or doesn't use it) and the way it's discovered - again, plain old stupid.

4. Jinx - Fron the moment Halle Barry does that over-the-top swivel-hip walk out of the water, I knew instantly she would be a horrible Bond girl. Her character reached a real low with the "Yo Mamma" joke.

5. The villains - These guys are more cartoon characters than super-villain. They're impossible to take seriously.

6. Pierce Brosnan: the Quipping Machine - Some of Bosnan's quips would make even Roger Moore groan in pain and disbelief. A lot of the sexual innuendo would be more at home on Three's Company than in a Bond movie. It's too silly for words.

Seroiusly, this could go on and one. I haven't mentioned surfing Bond, the crappy CGI effects, Madonna's acting, the ice hotel, John Cleese, Bond's unbelievable escape from the death ray, a bloated run-time, etc. And if I could be bothered, I could probably come up with another bunch of things that bother me about Die Anotern Day. Combine it all together and you end up with what I consider the poorest entry in the Bond franchise. As I alluded to before, I don't just hate this movie, it makes me mad watching it. Die Another Day came as close as anything to destroying the Bond franchise.

Despite my dislike for Die Another Day, I've still rated the film a 3/10. I do so because in the end, it's still James Bond and there are a set-piece or two throughout the film that work for me.

3/10