The Scorpion with Two Tails (1982)

- Assassinio al cimitero etrusco
Martino's worst Giallo, 7 June 2009

He may not be quite as well known among casual fans of Italian genre films as the names Bava or Argento, but Sergio Martino is responsible for some of the absolute best Gialli ever made. His earlier, frequent collaborations with Edwige Fenech are almost legendary and produced some of the best films this genre has to offer. Movies like The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, All the Colors of the Dark, and Your Vice is a Locked Door and Only I Have the Key are all among my favorites. Unfortunately, Scorpion with Two Tails does not come close to measuring up to Martino's previous successes. There are any number of problems I had with the film, but chief among them is that it's about as dull as any Giallo I can remember seeing. A plot involving an Etruscan Cemetery, a missing shipment of heroin, bad guys trying to find both, and a beautiful young woman with visions of Etruscan ceremonies – it just never drew me in the way Martino's other films have. Also, I never really cared for any of the characters. Elvire Audray plays the role usually played by Edwige Fenech in one of Martino's movies (she almost resembles a blond Edwige). But to be blunt, Elvire Audray is no Edwige Fenech. She has none of Edwige's screen presence or charisma. Genre legend John Saxon is on hand, but his role is so small that it really added nothing to the film. Saxon was most likely hired to put a "name" on the cast list. And when the killer was revealed, it had no effect on me at all. I didn't care enough about any of the characters to even care who the killer was. Also, I'm not a big fan of supernatural elements being thrown into a Giallo. These movies should be all about black gloved killers, stalking their human prey for greed, money, or jealousy. The risen spirit of an ancient Etruscan just doesn't feel right. As much as I hate to give a Martino Giallo such a low rating, I don't have a choice in this case. Scorpioin with Two Tails really doesn't deserve much more than a 3/10.

3/10

Cosmic Princess (1982) (TV)

I've never been a fan of Space: 1999 - and this changes nothing, 12 February 2008

I grew up during 1960s and 1970s and there's still a lot of television from this period that I enjoy – The Avengers, Rat Patrol, Hogan's Heroes, Charlie's Angels, and Mission: Impossible just to name a few examples. I bring this up because Cosmic Princess is essentially two episodes of Space: 1999, a syndicated sci-fi television program produced from 1975 to 1977. I was never a fan so cobbling two episodes together and calling it a movie has very little appeal to me. In a word, it's as dull as dishwater. Things take forever to happen. It's tedious to the nth degree. The sets and scripts make the original Star Trek (another show I'm not a big fan of) look like they spent a fortune. Maybe someone who actually enjoyed Space: 1999 would find something to like about Cosmic Princess (and I know the show has fans), but I'm not that person.

Because Cosmic Princess is two episodes of Space: 1999, there are two distinct plots. The first (originally called The Metamorph) finds the crew of Moonbase Alpha in the clutches of Mentor (Brian Blessed) who wants to drain their souls to power a machine he hopes to use to restore his planet to its former glory. I'll admit, Blessed's performance is a treat. The man is an awesome actor. The crew escapes with Mentor's daughter, Maya, just before the planet blows up. In the second half of Cosmic Princess (originally titled Space Warp), Maya transforms herself into a hideous being and goes on a rampage attempting to escape and return to her home planet. The highlight of this segment is an unintentionally hilarious moon buggy chase.

Like many people who have seen Cosmic Princess in the past few years, I did so via a low quality DVD-R of an old Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. This particular episode of MST3K was part of the Minneapolis public-access run before the show hit the "big time". Some of the jokes work, but like a lot of the KTMA shows, the riffs are far too inconsistent to call it good. I'll give it a 2/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

3/10

Black Candles (1982)

- Los ritos sexuales del diablo
All the sleaze in the world can't save this movie, 4 August 2007

When Carol (Vanessa Hidalgo) starts looking into her brother's death, she begins to suspect something more sinister than "natural causes". The closer she gets to the truth, the more of a threat she becomes to her sister-in-law, Fiona (Helga Line), and the rest of the local Satanists. They'll do whatever is necessary to put a stop her nosy ways.

If you're into sleazy, Satanic-themed movies, Black Candles has a lot to offer. The movie is filled with plenty of nudity and ritualistic soft-core sex. One scene in particular involving a young woman and a goat must be seen to be believed. Unfortunately, all the sleaze in the world can't save Black Candles. Most of the movie is a total bore. Other than the one scene I've already mentioned, the numerous sex scenes aren't shocking and certainly aren't sexy. The acting is spotty at best. Even genre favorite Helga Line gives a disappointing performance. The plot really doesn't matter. Its main function seems to be to hold the string of dull sex scenes together. I'm only familiar with one other movie directed by Jose Ramon Larraz. Compared with his Daughters of Darkness that masterfully mixes eroticism and horror, Black Candles comes off as amateurish. 3/10 is about the best I can do.

3/10

The Beastmaster (1982)

Never fails to entertain, 28 April 2007

I've said it before, but with The Beastmaster, it bears repeating – the biggest single factor I use when rating a movie is entertainment value. Great production values, an intricate plot, superb acting, expensive special effects, etc. are secondary to the enjoyment I get form a film. Sure, I realize my enjoyment of a movie can be affected by something like bad acting, but I as long as I find a certain level of entertainment in a movie, it's a good movie as far as I'm concerned and I rate it accordingly. So while I am perfectly capable of seeing the flaws in The Beastmaster, I have a blast every time I've seen it and have no problems rating it a 7/10. And when you think about it, isn't having fun one of the most important things you can get out of a movie.

I feel sorry for anyone who can't have a good time with The Beastmaster. I mean, what's not to like? If you can't have fun with: an oily, buffed-up Marc Singer talking to his animals and swinging a nice sword; a half-dressed (and in one instance, a not dressed) Tanya Roberts; John Amos in S&M gear: Rip Torn in dreads and a beak of a nose; ferrets; a tiger with a bad dye job; hideous witches; fights on a pyramid; an army on horseback with bat wing helmets; massive explosions; giant bird-like creatures who engulf their prey; and underground passages filled with crazed, berserker like guards, then you just don't know how to have a good time.

Finally, I'm sick of hearing that The Beastmaster somehow ripped-off Conan the Barbarian (something I've heard repeatedly over the years). If you listen to the commentary on the DVD for The Beastmaster, you'll quickly realize that there is no way this movie could have been made in response to the success of Conan - it was pretty much in the can when Conan was released. The timing turned out to be a happy coincidence and I'm sure Don Coscarelli and Paul Pepperman were pleased with that. Conan created a market for Sword & Sorcerer movies in the early 80s. Admittedly, The Beastmaster rode that wave and, I'm sure, benefited form it. And it doesn't hurt that The Beastmaster is one of the best movies of this type that followed Conan. A lot of the Conan-inspired films of the 80s are barely watchable. The Beastmaster rises above the mire and is one of the few actually memorable Sword & Sorcerer movies that came out during this period.

7/10

Evil Under the Sun (1982)

"You know how funny people can be about a spot of murder.", 28 August 2006

I've lost count of the number of times I've seen Evil Under the Sun. The natural question may be "Why watch a mystery more than once when you already know whodunit?" The simple answer – entertainment. Evil Under the Sun never fails to provide me with almost two hours of entertainment. The movie is so much more than the mystery. Truth be known, Evil Under the Sun is one of the weakest of Agatha Christie's novels relying far too heavily on some absurd coincidences. So beyond the mystery, it's the location, the acting, and the character interactions that bring me back time and time again.

- Location: The island scenery is simply breathtaking. The rocky cliffs set against the blue Mediterranean are beautiful. It's hard to believe that such places actually exist. The palace/hotel in which much of the film takes place is filmed in grand style. In short, Christopher Challis' cinematography is stunning.

- Acting: Evil Under the Sun features some wonderful actors having what appears to be a grand old time with their characters. Peter Unsitnov, James Mason, Diana Rigg, Roddy McDowell, and Jane Birkin are all truly wonderful in their performances. But for me, Maggie Smith makes Evil Under the Sun something special. Her catty Daphne Castle is a remarkably enjoyable character.

- Character Interactions: Watching any of these fine actors working together is a real treat. But the best example of what makes Evil Under the Sun so much fun is watching Maggie Smith and Diana Rigg go at each other. One of my favorite moments has to be when Smith characters describes why Rigg's character went further as an actress than she did. She explains that not only could Rigg's character kick her legs higher, but also farther apart. It's a wonderfully funny moment.

8/10

1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982)

- 1990: I guerrieri del Bronx
If you're able to look past the shortcomings, 1990: The Bronx Warriors can be fun., 15 July 2006

I'd be lying if I said 1990: The Bronx Warriors was a good movie, because its not. In fact, the rating I've given it is probably too high. But there's a certain amount of fun to be had with the movie. It's one part Jack Hill's The Warriors, one part John Carpenter's Escape from New York, a sprinkling of the Hell's Angels, a dash of bizarre costume design, and just a pinch of homo-eroticism all covered in Italian cheese. 1990: The Bronx Warriors unashamedly rips-off just about everything. I'm not sure what it is about the movie I like, but I found myself oddly enjoying much of it. Maybe it's the overacting, scene-chewing Vic Marrow, maybe it's the bad-ass Fred Williamson, or maybe it's the bizarre set-pieces like the one featuring the song-and-dance street gang. Whatever "it" is, 1990: The Bronx Warriors has "it".

Even though I had fun with the movie, there are too many problems and weaknesses to just ignore them. Beyond the less than original screenplay, the movie has other problems. Chief among them is the "acting" on the part of the male and female leads. Actually, I'm not sure "acting" is the right word for what these two were doing. They're as stiff as boards. The scenes of the pair in an emotional moment are all but laugh out loud funny. Other weaknesses include ridiculously large plot holes, bad fight choreography, and unnatural dialogue. But if you're able to look past these shortcomings, 1990: The Bronx Warriors can be fun.

5/10

Friday the 13th Part III (1982)

"Is that all you're gonna do this weekend? Smoke dope? ", 23 June 2006

Writing a plot description for Friday the 13th Part III seems sort of unnecessary. It's pretty much the same as every other movie in the series – a group of seemingly brainless kids goes into the woods only to be slaughtered by an unseen killer. How original! But in fairness, it's actually no better or worse than the other films in the series. Even with the plot limitations, there are some scenes in Friday the 13th Part III that I enjoy: Jason finding his hockey mask, a "dead" Jason pulling himself up to get the rope off his neck, and everyone going to the barn to die are favorite moments for me. The last point – everyone going to the barn to die – is actually something of a joke between my wife and I. At one point or another in the movie, it seems that every single brain dead character makes a trip, whether purposeful or not, to the barn where Jason just happens to be hiding. It's utterly ridiculous, but fun nonetheless.

Friday the 13th Part III was released during something of a 3-D craze in the early 80s. I can remember seeing this movie, the re-release of the 3-D 1953 House of Wax, and Jaws 3-D in the theaters. There are some scenes in Friday the 13th Part III that may seem pointless today that were amazing in 3-D. The best example in my mind is the spear-gun scene. Watching today, it's nothing special. But in 3-D, it blew me away.

6/10

Creepshow (1982)

"Just call me Billie, everyone does.", 16 May 2006

Stephen King and George Romero combined their talents to create the 1982 horror/comedy anthology Creepshow. They do an excellent job of giving the whole movie 50s/60s pulp magazine feel to it. Short stories, vibrant colors, and a nice wrap around sequence contribute to this feeling. Like those pulp magazines, Creepshow is divided into segments or short stories – five to be exact. While some are more entertaining than others, none are unwatchable.

1. "Father's Day" – A murdered man returns from the grave to "get his cake". The special effects are the highlight of this segment. It may not be as scary as I would like, but it's reasonably entertaining. Rating – 6/10.

2. "The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill" – A man gets a little to close to a meteorite and finds himself being transformed into a plant. This segment is played for laughs, but unfortunately, none of them work. Stephen King stars as Jordy Verrill. This vignette might have been better with a real actor instead of King. Rating – 4/10.

3. "Something to Tide You Over" – A man uses the tides to do away with his cheating wife and her lover. If this segment weren't so predictable, it would be among the best. Tom Savini's makeup is the real star of this segment. Rating – 6/10.

4. "The Crate" – A henpecked professor uses the contents of an old, forgotten about crate to help him with his problems. This is easily the highlight of the movie and would have made a nice feature length movie by itself. Adrienne Barbeau and Hal Holbrook star and are both great. The creature effects and design are a winner. Rating – 8/10.

5. "They're Creeping Up On You" – A man with a cockroach phobia finds his home inundated by cockroaches. E.G. Marshall is good enough in the portion of the movie, but I find it dull. This vignette does have a great set design, though. Rating – 4/10

If you average the ratings I've given the individual segments, you'll come up with my overall rating of a 6/10. As you can see, I find Creepshow very hit-or-miss. If the entire film were as good as "The Crate", it would easily be on the list of my favorite horror movies.

6/10

The New York Ripper (1982)

- Lo squartatore di New York
"Overall, it was a good, efficient butchery.", 29 April 2006

There's not much need to go into detail on the plot. Simply put, The New York Ripper is the story of a mad killer with a penchant for slashing young woman and harassing the police with his duck-like voice. That's really all you need to know.

The New York Ripper is Lucio Fulci's latter day ultra-violent take on the Giallo. When I say ultra-violent, I mean ULTRA-violent. If you're a fan of Fulci-style gore, there's surely something here for you. There's one scene where a girl's eye meets a razor that's particularly nasty and particularly difficult to watch. And, if you're a fan of Fulci-style sleaze, there's surely something here for you also. While I won't go as far as some reviewers and call it pornographic, there are a variety of sexual perversions on display. But it's not all blood and sex. Fulci actually manages to create a few scenes with real tension. There are moments where you know that killer is about to strike, but the anticipation Fulci builds in the audience is quite good.

Unfortunately, there are problems I have with the film. I'll limit this to two examples. First, the resolution of the mystery is a real letdown. The killer's identity is far too easy to guess. Fulci telegraphs the answer form the opening moments of the film. Second, Gialli often ask the viewer to suspend reality to accept various plot points, but the final scenes in The New York Ripper cross the line into ridiculousness and really hurts the overall film. I'm certainly no expert, but I sincerely doubt that all the psychological babble made any real sense to anyone.

7/10

The House Where Evil Dwells (1982)

That was painful, 9 January 2006

While the premise behind The House Where Evil Dwells may be intriguing, the execution is downright pathetic. I'm not even sure where to begin as I've got so many problems with this movie. I suppose I'll just number a few of them:

1. The Acting – When you see that Edward Albert, Doug McClure, and Susan George (and her teeth) are the stars of your movie, you know you're in trouble? Not that it matters much to me, but these are hardly A-List names. Susan George may have been in a couple of movies I enjoy, but I've never considered her the greatest actress I've ever seen. And in this movie, her acting is embarrassing. As for the other two, the less said the better.

2. The Ghosts – The ghosts or spirits or whatever you want to call them reminded me quite a bit of the ghosts in the haunted mansion ride.at Disney World. And, they are about as frightening. And why did they have to be so obvious? Subtlety is not a characteristic of The House Where Evil Dwells.

3. The Plot – How predictable can one movie be? The outcome of this movie is painfully obvious once you meet the three main characters. If you couldn't see where this movie was headed after about 15 minutes, you need to see more movies.

4. The Convenient Priest – What are the chances that the haunted house you buy just happens to be across the street from a group of Japanese monks? Not to mention that one of them knows the history of your house and comes over, knocks on the door, and asks if you need help removing evil spirits. Absurd is a word that comes to mind.

5. Everything Else – It's very difficult for me to think of any positives to write about. I suppose I'll give it a point for the opening scene and a point for the house's architecture. That's a sure sign of a winner – noting the architecture as a highlight of any film doesn't say much about the actual movie.

I'll stop. You should be able to get the idea from what I've already mentioned. And, I haven't even mentioned the annoying little girl or the Invasion of the Crabs or a multitude of other problems. Be warned, this thing is horrible.

2/10

Manhattan Baby (1982)

It should have been called "How to Make a Movie with an Incoherent Plot", 26 November 2005

Lucio Fulci made some real stinkers in his career and Manhattan Baby comes close to being the worst. The problem is the incoherent plot that I'm not even going to attempt to explain. The plot centers around an Egyptian amulet with evil powers. The evil powers manifest themselves in a series of totally unrelated events. In fact, almost every event in Manhattan Baby is completely unrelated to what came before or what is yet to come. Fulci and screenwriter Dardano Sacchetti had some wonderful ideas, but there is nothing holding these ideas together. As a series of standalone set-pieces, Manhattan Baby isn't that bad. But trying to make sense out of a plot that's all over the place can give you quite a headache.

It's too bad. The movie gets off to a good start with some nice looking and mysterious Egyptian scenes. But don't let that fool you. Once the movie gets back to New York, things fall apart.

As I wrote previously, there are some good set-pieces in Manhattan Baby. Among the highlights – the tomb exploration, the opening of the children's door by a friend of the mother, and the final bird attack. As I've said before though, a few good set-pieces cannot save a movie.

4/10

Midnight (1982)

Avoid at all cost!, 14 October 2005

After watching this "movie" I did what I usually do – I looked it up on IMDb. When I saw the rating, I had to check to make sure I was looking at the right "movie". 4.4! Come on! That's about 3.4 points too high. I have seen a lot of bad movies in my time, but Midnight certainly ranks with the very worst. As far as I'm concerned, it's not fit for human consumption. It comes off as some kind of Psycho / Texas Chainsaw Massacre wannabe but fails miserably at every level. I'm not even sure I can call Midnight a "movie". I suppose that if your definition of a "movie" is limited to a series of moving pictures, then it qualifies. But my definition of a "movie" includes such luxuries as a plot, acting, and some level of entertainment – none of which are found here. I cannot think of one kind thing to say about this "movie". In fact, I should end here as I've already given Midnight far too much of my time.

1/10

Swamp Thing (1982)

See Barbeau Run, 9 October 2005

In a secret research facility in the middle of the swamp, Dr. Alex Holland is working on an experiment to combine plant and animal DNA. Alice Cable (Adrienne Barbeau) has been sent by the government to help with security. But when the evil Dr. Arcane's men storm to lab trying to get hold of Dr. Holland's work, the results are explosive, literally. Through a chemical reaction, Dr. Holland is transformed into the Swamp Thing. Now, Cable, with the help of the Swamp Thing, must keep the formula out of Dr. Arcane's hands.

I don't know why I insist on re-watching this movie every few years. It's not going to get any better. In fact, I enjoy it less and less with each successive viewing. Once you've seen the laughable creature design, once you've seen Barbeau being captured, once you've seen Dr. Arcane's transformation, once you've seen Barbeau run through the swamp in a wet t-shirt, and once you've seen the final showdown (which happens to be one of the most ridiculous things ever caught on film), there's really no reason to watch it again. One viewing should be enough for any masochist.

The biggest problem with Swamp Thing is the plot – or should I say the lack of a plot. The whole "keep the formula from Dr. Arcane" idea is merely window dressing for what I see as the main theme running through the movie – the rescue of Barbeau. At least 90% of the movie's runtime is devoted to the Swamp Thing rescuing Barbeau from Arcane's men. And Barbeau's rescue is repeated over and over and over…. It's a bit like the bad, humid version of Groundhog Day.

So, why don't I rate it lower? There are a few set pieces that really work. The first 15 minutes or so (the period before Barbeau needs to be rescued) is nice. Also, the movie is beautifully shot. You can compare it with another of Craven's films, think of The Hills Have Eyes – only in reverse. Where that movie was shot in such a way that you could almost feel the dry, hot California desert, with Swamp Thing, you can all but feel the humid, dank swamp.

4/10

Alone in the Dark (1982)

Terrific cast and terrific set-pieces, 25 September 2005

Dr. Dan Potter has accepted a position at a mental facility known as the Haven. It's a unique place with no bars to keep the patients inside, only electric doors. During a blackout, four mental patients escape from the institution with the plan of getting their revenge on the new doctor who they believe killed their old doctor. The escapees wait for nightfall to lay siege to the doctor's house. Can Dr. Potter and his family survive this night of terror?

What Works:

- The Acting. Alone in the Dark features one of the better casts assembled for what is essentially a slasher movie. Jack Palance gives one of those stoic, menacing performances as the leader of the escaped patients. Donald Pleasence's eccentric doctor is a kook who may be more unbalanced than the patients he treats. But Martin Landau's demented Preacher may be the best. All Landau has to do is flash that twisted smile to effectively show how deranged his character really is.

- Trapped in the House. I've always claimed that if allow yourself to, in essence, "let go" almost any horror film can provide a few frights or scares. I try to do this whenever I watch a horror film. With that in mind, the final third of Alone in the Dark provides some wonderful frightening moments. You know the escaped patients are out there and you know they are capable of almost anything, but you don't know where they are or when they will strike. It's the stuff of real nightmares.

- Death of a Babysitter. This may be the most frightening set-piece in the film. Sure, it's clichéd, but Sholder does a terrific job of using misdirection to really make this scene effective. Very nice!

- Mom's Diner. The opening scene set in the diner is one of the most deliciously surreal things I've seen in a while. It's easily one of the most "fun" scenes in the movie.

What Doesn't Work:

- We Don't Need No Stinking Logic. As with a lot of horror movies, there are plot holes and lapses in logic that can interfere with the enjoyment of the movie if you let them. One example is the reaction of everyone in the movie (including Dr. Potter, his wife, and the police) to the discovery that a child molester has been in the house and spent the afternoon with the Potter's daughter. The reaction – no big deal. Go on with things as normal.

- That 80's Feeling. I hate the term "dated" when describing a movie, but it's the best I can come up with to describe Dr. Potter's sister. I know that people like that existed in the 80s, I'm just trying to forget it.

Back in 1982, I saw a lot of horror movies in the theater. I'm not sure how Alone in the Dark escaped under the radar, but it did. I'm glad to have finally discovered this gem. It's a well-acted, well-made slasher with some genuine scares. Alone in the Dark is a real nice addition to my DVD library.

7/10

The Thing (1982)

"And it's gonna get a hell of a lot worse before it gets any better!", 17 August 2005

A helicopter chases a husky across the frozen landscape of Antarctica. The two Norwegians chasing the dog seem intent on killing it. The dog makes a bee-line for the American science station in what appears to be an attempt to seek safety. But is that really the dog's purpose? The Americans discover the dog's true mission only after it's too late.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I hadn't seen The Thing since its initial theatrical run. Because so much of the movie had slowly slipped from my memory, I have never placed it on a "favorites" list (until now). In fact, I had forgotten more of the movie than I remembered. I can promise that I won't wait another 23 years for my third viewing. The Thing is a no-holds-barred journey though some of the best that sci-fi, horror, and action have to offer. The movie never lets up and rarely gives the viewer a chance to catch a breath.

If you haven't seen this movie in a while (as I hadn't), the special effects will surely have stuck with you. They're gross, disturbing, and an excellent argument against the overuse of CGI in horror movies. Rob Bottin should have won an Academy Award for his special effects work on The Thing.

But it takes more than effects and gore to make a "good" movie. It's the interaction between the characters and their real feelings of mistrust that elevates The Thing to the lofty status it has achieved. These are men who have worked together in extremely close quarters with little outside contact. Trust is important in this kind of atmosphere. But when it becomes clear that there may be a problem with various members of the group, they're quick to turn on one another to save their own necks. The paranoia is fascinating to watch.

As far as I'm concerned, The Thing's ending is perfect. Too many movies attempt to spoon-feed viewers the answer to every question raised in the movie. The Thing leaves you with as many questions as it does answers. Good call, Carpenter!

I only have one minor quibble with the movie and it's based as much on my recent viewing of The Thing from Another World as anything. Try as I might, I can't help compare the two movies. I would have really appreciated a better opportunity in The Thing to get to know who these men are. The characters can be described as paper thin. The 1951 movie was more character driven, and as a result, I cared more for the characters.

9/10

Q: The Winged Serpent (1982)

Excellent performance from Moriarty, 9 August 2005

Jimmy Quinn (Michael Moriarty) is a small time crook who gets mixed up in a botched jewel heist. He escapes and makes his way to the top of the Chrysler Building. There, he discovers what appears to be a giant egg. Jimmy soon realizes that he's discovered the nesting spot of the giant serpent that's been terrorizing the city. Now, how to use that information to his advantage?

I love this stuff! Q has it all – police drama, jewelry heist, murderous cult, Shaft, and blackmail. Oh yeah, I forgot, Q also has a giant, flying serpent that's been brought back to life by some whacked-out cult that skins people as a sacrifice to the serpent. When the serpent isn't out biting the heads off of construction workers or nude sunbathers, it finds time to make a home and lay an egg in, of all places, the Chrysler Building. While Q's plot may seem far-fetched (How does a flying monster remain unseen for so long in New York? Does no one ever look up?), it's a lot of fun. It would be difficult to pack more cheese into a movie and still have it be coherent.

It's a shame that movies like Q don't receive more critical regard. Michael Moriarty is wonderful as the weak and slow-witted Jimmy Quinn. I'm serious when I say that Moriarty's work in Q should have gotten him an Academy Award nomination. He's that good. You might not like the character, but there should be no denying the brilliance of the performance. But then again, movies with flying clay monsters rarely get taken seriously.

The rest of the main cast is, for the most part, good. Any movie with both Richard Roundtree and David Carradine gets bonus points just for that casting decision. My only complaint is how underutilized Roundtree is. I would have loved to see him lay down some Shaft-style justice on the cult members. Carradine is solid and his scene with Moriarty in the diner is one of the real highlights of the movie.

If you're looking for a fun, 50s style monster movie, Q may be just right. Don't take it too seriously and you'll probably have a lot of fun.

7/10

The New Barbarians (1982)

- I nuovi barbari
Why have I seen this more than once?, 30 June 2005

Post apocalyptic story that does it's best to be The Road Warrior but generally fails on ever level. Various bands of people are all seeking civilization. But a group known as the Templars only wants to see everyone on the planet dead. Why? They spout some wacky philosophical stuff that makes little sense. The Templar's main purpose appears to be to destroy any remaining fashion sense. These guys, with their incredibly bad hair, are cute in their matching white and black leather outfits with comically large shoulder pads.

Giancarlo Prete is our hero, Scorpion. He's a loner type. He doesn't need anyone's help. He only gets into a situation every ten minutes that he can't get out of if it weren't for Fred Williamson (Nadir). Williamson also wears a ridiculous outfit and shoots exploding arrows. His major purpose, other than saving Scorpion's life, is making silly faces at the camera.

The whole thing is incredibly ridiculous. I haven't rated it any lower because of a couple of scenes that do, in fact, work. The torture and rape of Scorpion by the Templars and the Templar leader getting it in the end (wink, wink) are highlights.

4/10

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)

"This thing is never going to heal.", 9 April 2005

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid is a spoof of the film noirs popular in the 40s and 50s. While the plot doesn't matter, here it is in a nutshell - Rigby Reardon (Steve Martin) is hired by Juliet Forrest (Rachel Ward) to find out what happened to her father, a noted scientist and cheese maker. Along the way, Reardon gets shot in the arm (three times), gets slipped a mickey, makes coffee, dresses like a woman, talks on the phone with Phillip Marlowe, loses his pajamas, shaves his tongue, adjusts Juliet's breasts, picks up dog poo, battles Nazis, and falls in love. All in a normal day for a private eye.

The gimmick to Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid is mixing the old film clips with the actions of Steve Martin. Carl Reiner does a fabulous job of seamlessly matching not only the look, but the atmosphere of clips from movies like The Bribe and The Killers with the new footage of Martin and Rachel Ward. It's often difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins. Much of the credit must surely go to costume designer extraordinaire Edith Head. Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid was the last of the 426 films she credited as costume designer. Her clothing designs for the new footage perfectly fit the clips from the old movies - many of which she did the original costume design.

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid may be my favorite movie with Steve Martin. He plays Reardon perfectly. He doesn't play it as a comedy, but straight instead. This makes it all the more funny. Rachel Ward is adequate as the female lead.

The only negative thing I can say about the movie is that the big finale gets a little off-track. Carl Reiner's character is a little too over-the-top and doesn't fit with the straight tone the movie had presented up to this point. A little more realism on his part might have made for a much better ending.

8/10

Tenebre (1982)

Another example of Argento's genius, 17 January 2005

Plot: (As written on IMDb) Tenebre follows a writer who arrives to Rome only to find somebody is using his novels as the inspiration (and, occasionally, the means) of committing murder. As the death toll mounts the police are ever baffled, and the writer becomes more closely linked to the case than is comfortable.

Tenebre is certainly one of Argento's best films. Even though I've seen it before, it has lost none of its impact on me. Tenebre includes some wonderful examples of Argento's visual flair. While not as bold as Suspiria, it's a feast for the eyes. If you've seen it, have you noticed that almost every victim is wearing white? Why? Could it be that the red blood makes more of a visual impact on the white background. Tenebre also includes some of Argento's most suspense filled moments. The scene where the girl is chased by the dog only to end up seeking refuge in the killer's house is a genuine nail-biter.

If you've never seen a giallo or an Argento film, I highly recommend Tenebre as a jumping off point.

9/10