Mortdecai (2015)

"Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt.", 4 February 2015

A very short plot summary: Mortdecai (Johnny Depp) is a shady, but broke, art dealer who is hired by the British government to help locate a lost painting that may led to a fortune in hidden Nazi treasure. 

I don't get the hate swirling around Mortdecai. I've seen it called garbage, unfunny, a waste of time, etc. etc. etc. Mortdecai is the second film I've seen this week dealing with a lost Goya that may hold the key to a lost Nazi fortune (how bizarre - two movies about missing Goya's?). The other movie is the dreadful 7 Golden Women Against Two 07. For all those who have written negatively about Mortdecai, please take the time to watch the other movie I've mentioned. You will see what a truly horrible film really looks like. You'll beg to watch Mortdecai again. I admit Mortdecai's not perfect (the film could have been trimmed by 20 minutes to make for a tighter, better experience), but Mortdecai can't begin to compare to the pain that a really bad movie will inflict on your senses.

Obviously, I enjoyed Mortdecai. I've seen someone call it a good old-fashion romp - I couldn't agree more. It's fun and often quite funny. There were moments that had me laughing out loud. In addition to the comedy, the action set-pieces really stood out, featuring some nice car chases and over-the-top fight scenes. The acting was top-notch. I found Depp's affected Mortdecai extremely funny. Ewan McGregor and Gwyneth Paltrow show a real comedic flair. And Paul Bettany steals every scene he's in. Very funny stuff!

7/10

Romancing the Stone (1984)

"My minimum price for taking a stranded lady to a telephone is 400 dollars.", 3 February 2017

Sheltered romance writer Joan Wilder (Kathleen Turner) learns her sister has been kidnapped in Columbia. The kidnappers want a map that Wilder has in her possession that supposedly leads to a treasure known as El Corazón. But the kidnappers aren't the only party interested in the map. Colonel Zolo, head of the military police, is also after the map. Through an unfortunate series of events, Wilder ends up lost in the jungle and pins her hopes for survival on an exotic bird smuggler names Jack T Colton (Michael Douglas). Is Colton the dreamy hero of Wilder's books or is he also in it for himself and after the treasure? 

If I were to use only one word to describe Romancing the Stone, it would be "fun". This movie has been a favorite of mine since I was lucky enough to catch it in the theater way back in 1984. It was fun then and it's just as fun now. I've probably seen it a dozen or more times since 1984. Adventure, comedy, romance, danger, action – Romancing the Stone's got it all. There's a lot here to like. Robert Zemeckis' direction is spot-on. His pacing is near-flawless. The cinematography is often stunning. The jungles of Columbia are beautifully shot. Green never looked so good. While the actual hunt for the treasure doesn't play as big a role as I would prefer, it's clever and enjoyable. The movie also features some terrific acting from Kathleen Turner, Michael Douglas, Danny DeVito, and the scene stealing Alfonso Arau. I've always been especially impressed with Turner's portrayal of Joan Wilder in Romancing the Stone. She plays against type and it works. Overall, this movie's a winner.

8/10

I Sailed to Tahiti with an All Girl Crew (1968)

A slow boat to Tahiti, 27 January 2017

The title, I Sailed to Tahiti with an All Girl Crew, pretty much sums up the plot. To expand just a little, in a drunken state, Gardner (Gardner McKay) bets fellow boat owner Fred (Fred Clark) that he could beat him in a race to Tahiti with the titular All Girl Crew. The stakes – Fred puts up $30,000 while the inebriated Gardner bets his boat. Once in his right-mind, Gardner realizes his chances of winning are slim. So, instead of looking for women who can actual sail, he hires his crew based on appearance. 

I Sailed to Tahiti with an All Girl Crew is a harmless enough movie, but it's not got a lot going for it. The endless scenes of boats sailing through the Pacific, while very nicely filmed, get a bit dull after a while. The humor is lame and too safe. For example, the attempt to add variety and comedy to the film with the ill- advised silent movie treatment is just plain silly. And the acting is below par. I didn't expect much from some of the female cast who were most likely hired for looks – not acting ability – but Gardner McKay is awful. He's dull, dry, and painfully uninteresting. Beyond the excellent cinematography, character actor Fred Clark (in his last role), and a surprisingly nice performance from Diane McBain (known to me from her role in The Mini-Skirt Mob), there's really not much to recommend. I haven't rated it lower because, despite all the flaws, it didn't offend my senses like some of the truly awful movies I've seen.

4/10

The Dude Goes West (1948)

"Man alive! Where did a DUDE learn to shoot like that?", 23 December 2015

Daniel Bone (Eddie Albert) is a New York gunsmith. Seeking greener pastures, Bone heads to a Wild West town appropriately called Arsenic City. Along the way, he meets a woman named Lisa Crockett (Gale Storm) who is also headed west seeking her fortune. She has a map that leads to her late father's goldmine. But there are others who want Crockett's map and they will do anything to get it. Fortunately for her and whether she likes it or not, Bone saves her skin time after time. 

At it's absolute worst, I'd still call The Dude Goes West harmless enough and a bit of fun. At it's best, however, it's often quite funny and gives Eddie Albert a chance to shine in a leading role. His character, Bone, is a fish out-of-water and this often leads to the funnier bits. It's very reminiscent of his character, Oliver Wendell Douglas, that he'd play 20 years later. There's a scene where Bone is lecturing the townspeople about the importance of the American judicial system that sounded straight off of Green Acres. All it needed was a fife playing in the background. Albert is joined by a very able cast featuring Storm, Gilbert Roland, and Barton MacLane. The films's pacing is nice and at only 86 minutes, it never feels tired. While the plot is often predictable, it's still fun to watch the events unfold. Some of the comedy may seem corny by today's standards, but it works just fine to me. 

Overall, a 7/10 from me.

7/10

Double Dynamite (1951)

"The girl, caucasian, brown hair and eyes. Height 5 -7, weight 135 pounds... extremely well distributed.", 6 December 2015

Johnny (Frank Sinatra) and Mibs (Jane Russell) are bank tellers who would like to marry, but money gets in the way. Quite by chance, Johnny saves a mysterious big-time gambler and is rewarded with $60,000. As luck would have it, at the exact same moment, a large bank outage is discovered. How can Johnny prove the money is really his and stay out of jail when he doesn't even know the name of the mane who gave it to him? 

I'd call Double Dynamite harmless enough with a couple of moments of comedy that rise to a level that makes the whole thing slightly above average. The comedy bits come from Groucho Marx. I've never really cared much for the post-Marx Bros' Grouch (and I'm including You Bet Your Life). Most of Groucho's later work is a shadow of what he did early in his career. But here, he has a few moments that are very nearly laugh-out-loud funny. The scenes where he poses as a millionaire and entertains the bank president are nicely written and staged. 

Other than Groucho, the rest of the movie is pretty routine. Sinatra is too milk-toast and Russell can't act. The musical numbers aren't overly memorable and are so infrequent they don't really fit with the rest of the film. Double Dynamite does feature a strong supporting cast including a favorite of mine, Nestor Paiva. The ending is reasonably entertaining. The discovery of the missing bank money is actually clever. 

Overall, a 6/10 from me.

6/10

Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff (1949)

"You're going to commit suicide if it's the last thing you do!", 2 December 2015

Two things I just love - old murder mystery movies and Boris Karloff. Put them together, throw in Abbott and Costello, and you've got a winner. While I don't rate this as high as A&C's similarly themed Who Done It?, it's still a whole lot of fun. In this one, A&C are working in a hotel that's become the scene of a murder. Costello (playing Freddie Phillips) becomes prime suspect number one. But the hotel has several other strange, mysterious types on-hand, including the mystic Swami Talpur. Can Bud and Lou find the killer before they're killed themselves?

This isn't deep - it's just good old-fashioned fun. While some of A&C's jokes may miss their mark, enough hit to make it very funny. There are bits and pieces here as good as any you'll find in any other A&C film. One of my favorite moments has to be watching the great Boris Karloff working with Costello in the hypnosis scene. What a blast! The final chase/confrontation in the underground cavers is nicely filmed and includes a moment or two of real suspense. I've got no problem at all rating this one a 7/10.

7/10

Swing Parade of 1946 (1946)

Worse than I could have imagined, 10 March 2010

Fearing his father will have his nightclub closed down, club owner and singer Danny Warren (Phil Regan) goes to extremes to ensure no one is able to serve papers on him. In an effort to have the papers served, Papa Warren hires an attractive young woman named Carol Lawrence (Gale Storm) who might have more luck getting close to Danny. But Carol's more interested in pursuing her music – and love – than any old papers.

Deathly dull, Swing Parade of 1946 isn't so much a movie as it is a series of set-pieces and musical numbers held together by the most minimal plot thread imaginable. What little plot there is wouldn't fill 10 minutes of the movie's runtime. Instead, the film goes something like this – a little plot followed a bit from the Three Stooges followed by an excruciating, painfully long music number. Just repeat this pattern for 74 minutes. The Stooges are wasted and out-of-place repeating bits most fans will have seen a number of times previous. Regan and Storm are both too uninteresting to carry the film themselves. I know that, at least in the case of Gale Storm, she would go on to have a long career in entertainment, but it's difficult to imagine that after watching this movie. I never thought I would say this, but Edward Brophy actually comes out of Swing Parade of 1946 looking better than anyone else – well, anyone other than Louis Jordan. Jordan and his band are the film's real highlight. As for the rest, it's all 'lowlights". Unless you're just a fan of really bad musicals from the mid-1940s, I'd say skip this one altogether.

3/10

The Strange Case of Doctor Rx (1942)

Very little to recommend - even for fans of classic Universal horror, 25 February 2010

Private Detective Jerry Church (Patric Knowles) is asked to investigate the strange deaths of several recently acquitted men. The only clue is the mysterious calling card found on the body of each victim of a man known only as "Doctor Rx". Soon after taking the case, Church is on hand to see a man named Zarini acquitted, only to fall dead before he can leave the courtroom. To solve the series of murders, Church is kidnapped, his wife's life is threatened, and he is strapped to a table by Doctor Rx and prepped for an operation involving organ transplantation with a gorilla. Will Church survive this ordeal and unmask the killer?

As far as the classic Universal horror (and horror is used very loosely here) films of the 30s and 40s go, The Strange Case of Doctor Rx is about as bad as you'll run across. I place it at the bottom of the heap with the unfortunate She-Wolf of London. I described The Strange Case of Doctor Rx to a friend as a Charlie Chan movie without any of the charm or interest of a Charlie Chan movie. Knowles' Church doesn't make for a very effective or interesting lead. He's just too bland. Lionel Atwill is billed second, but he has so little screen-time you'll forget he's even in the film. And when Atwill is on screen, he's reduced to playing the role of the most embarrassing red herring I've ever run across. Gwynne is okay as the love interest / wife, but she can't save the film on her on. The highlights of the cast are Shemp Howard and, especially, Mantan Moreland. They have a scene together involving shooting dice that's laugh-out-loud funny. Moreland, as usual, steals most every scene in which he appears. Other weaknesses: the films plotting is plodding, the direction is pedestrian, the mystery isn't very mysterious, and the horror is pretty much missing altogether. As most everyone who has written about The Strange Case of Doctor Rx has pointed out, the one scene of real horror feels like it was cut from another film. Other than Moreland, the one bright spot worth mentioning is the "look" of the film. Like most other Universal pictures from this period, the movie looks like a million bucks. Overall, a very disappointing affair that I'll be generous to and give it a 4/10.

4/10

Get Smart (2008)

"You heard me I have to 'squeeze the lemon'.", 23 September 2009

Overall, I found Get Smart a disappointing experience. I guess I should have known I'd have problems with the movie – I usually do with these old TV shows turned into movies. The problem generally is that the people responsible for the remakes have no clue about what made the original so good and enjoyable. And that's the case here. Maxwell Smart is the centerpiece of Get Smart. His bumbling antics are what made it funny. Anyone familiar with the television show will go into the movie with a preconceived notion of how Steve Carrell should play the character. But thanks to some poor writing and directing, Carrell's Maxwell Smart is all over the map. One minute he's a bumbling fool incapable of the most simple of tasks (like cutting the plastic strap binding his wrist when he has a knife) and the next he's suddenly a super-hero busting the chops of every bad guy in sight. It's not just inconsistent – it's downright annoying. Add to that the half-hearted way the writers threw in Don Adams' familiar catch phrases, the over-reliance on fat jokes, the lazy way action is used to replace real comedy, and a plot that is tired on one hand and nonsensical on the other and you end up with 110 minutes of wasted opportunity. That's not to say it's all bad. I did enjoy Anne Hathaway as Agent 99 and Alan Arkin as . . . well, as Alan Arkin. However, they aren't enough to save Get Smart. I should have gone with my instincts and avoided this one.

4/10

Cotton Comes to Harlem (1970)

"Now, we may have broken some heads, but we never broke no promises.", 18 September 2009

Gravedigger Jones and Coffin Ed Johnson are two black cops working out of a Harlem precinct. They've got their eyes on a minister promising his poor parishioners the opportunity to travel to Africa for $100. Jones and Johnson see Rev. Deke O'Malley for the scammer he really is. But things get complicated when, during a recruitment rally, the $87,000 the good Reverend has collected is stolen by armed bandits. The only clue about the money's whereabouts is that it's been hidden in a bale of cotton. Hot on the trail of the cotton bale are the mob, the police, Reverend O'Malley, a junk dealer, a militant black group, and just about everyone else in Harlem.

The first true blaxploitation movie (there seems to be some disagreement, but I'm not sure how you could go with Sweet Sweetback's Badasssss Song as it was released a year later), Cotton Comes to Harlem is wonderfully entertaining from start to finish. It's a non-stop comedic slice of life in Harlem in the early 1970s. The movie is filled with eclectic characters, unique set-pieces, interesting music choices, and real life locations you just can't replicate on a sound-stage. The plot has so much going on that it never gets old. Ossie Davis didn't direct many films, but he does an amazing job with this, his first, effort. It's a more professional looking product than many of the blaxploitation films that would come later. The acting is a highlight and is as good as I've ever seen in a movie of this type. Godfrey Cambridge gives a memorable performance as policeman Gravedigger Jones. Cambridge manages to be the standout in a strong cast. His partner, Raymond St. Jacques as Coffin Ed Johnson, is rock solid. The pair are joined by Calvin Lockhart, the stunning Judy Pace, Redd Foxx, and a slew of familiar faces. The comedy in Cotton Comes to Harlem has held up surprisingly well. Some of it might be considered un-PC in today's overly sensitive world, but I still found myself laughing along with many scenes. Overall, it's a well made movie that I fell no hesitation in rating an 8/10.

8/10

Murderers' Row (1966)

"Come along, Julian. Maybe we can find somebody for you to run over on the way home.", 5 September 2009

Dean Martin's back for a second spin as Matt Helm in Murderers' Row. In this one, Helm sets out to track down a missing scientist being held captive by the evil (and hysterical) Julian Wall (Karl Malden) – a man bent on world domination. His plan is to use the scientist's ray (I can't remember what kind of ray, but does it really matter?) to destroy Washington D.C. Helping Helm is the scientist's swinging daughter, Suzie (Ann-Margaret).

Almost everything I wrote in my comment for The Silencers applies to Murderers' Row. The bit about the plot not mattering – even more so in this case. The notion of Dean Martin playing Dean Martin – again, nothing could be truer. Dino surrounded by beautiful women - Ann-Margaret is a knock-out in Murderers' Row. The booze, the jokes, the gadgets, etc. – it's all here. The best part is that once again it's all handled in a breezy, easy manner that makes watching Murderers' Row a lot of fun. I don't know that I enjoyed it quite as much as The Silencers, but I did find it entertaining. The best bits include: watching Dino try to keep up with the over-the-top dancing of Ann-Margaret, Karl Malden (his performance as the villain is the one thing about Murderers' Row that is actually better than The Silencers), Ann-Margaret's groovy wardrobe, and Helm's freeze and delayed firing guns. What un-PC fun! My advice – if you plan to sit down and check out Murderers' Row (or any of the Matt Helm films for that matter), remember to take things about as seriously as the people who made the movie did (and that's not at all) and you just might enjoy it.

6/10

The Silencers (1966)

"The soap, please, Miss Kravezit.", 4 September 2009

If you're looking for a film that takes a serious look at espionage, look someplace else. But if you're looking for light, breezy, non-PC entertainment with just enough spy stuff to keep things interesting and the thought of Dean Martin the playboy doesn't turn your stomach, The Silencers might be the movie for you. With a lot of movies I write about, I start out by saying that the plot doesn't matter. Well, with The Silencers, it really doesn't matter. But for those keeping score at home, Matt Helm, an agent for I.C.E. (the good guys), is sent out to put a stop to Big O's (the bad guys) plan to start WWIII. Big O's plan is to sabotage a rocket, send it hurdling into a nuclear test site, and make it look like the Russians did it. Why? I'm not sure anymore because, like I said, the plot doesn't matter. Instead, you watch a Matt Helm film to see how much booze Dino will drink, how many bad guys he'll shoot, and how many beautiful women he'll seduce (and the answer to all these questions in The Silencers is a bunch). On another website I read where someone described Dino's Matt Helm as the original Austin Powers – and that's a pretty fair assessment. But in Helm's case, the pervy secret agent shtick actually works for him.

Anyway, if you're a fan of Dean Martin's 1960s public persona, you'll most likely enjoy The Silencers. He sleepwalks through most of the movie, but then again, he did the same pretty much through the whole decade. Joining Martin are a trio of beauties – Stella Stevens, Daliah Lavi, and Cyd Charisse (whose screen-time is way too limited). I can't really pick one who stands out as they're all a lot of fun and bring their own unique talents to the movie. Victor Buono, complete with yellow-face (I told you the movie was terribly un-PC), is on hand to play the leader of Big O. It's this cast that makes The Silencers so entertaining and worth watching. Add to the cast some off-the-wall gadgets, cool (but cheap) sets, and a few nice fight scenes, and you've got a James Bond spoof worth checking out. A couple of scenes that I always get a kick out of include: watching Martin and Stevens polish off a bottle of liquor while driving (again, very un-PC), Stevens with the rear-firing gun, and Matt Helms morning routine including coffee and bubble bath with secretary Lovey Kravezit. I have no problem rating The Silencers a 7/10.

7/10

Johnny English (2003)

"The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, sensitive hearing and a whole bunch of bigger brains.", 16 August 2009

Because of his own ineptness, Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson) is the only agent left in the British Secret Service. The crown jewels are stolen and against everyone's better judgment, English is put on the case. But when he uncovers a plot involving a wealthy Frenchman to overthrow the Queen and have himself named King of England, no one will believe him. English knows he's right and knows it's up to him to save his country.

I'm shocked. I was quite prepared to hate Johnny English. Instead, I found a movie that, although uneven, had moments that made me laugh out loud. Nothing on the level of the Atkinson's masterpiece, The Black Adder, but still worthy of a laugh or two if you're a fan of Atkinson's style of humor. I admit, some of the bits fall flat and some of the situations feel forced or, even worse, telegraphed, but when it's funny, it's really good. I'm not sure what my favorite moment was, but the scene where English mistakenly invades and attempts to take over a hospital had me laughing hard. Or the scene where English bares the Archbishop of Cantebury's back-side. Predictable - yes, but still funny. It was just so stupid. That's another thing – if you want comedy with a bit of sophistication, steer clear. There's a lot of potty humor here. Like the rest of the movie, some works and some doesn't. Other highlights for me include the music (the title song by Robbie Williams is really good), English's love interest played by Natalie Imbruglia (I thought she was amazing given her rather limited acting experience), the stunt work, English's put-upon sidekick played by Ben Miller (he manages to steal many scenes from Atkinson), John Malkovich's ridiculous French accent (a complaint to most people - I thought it was a scream), and the locations, costuming, and lighting. It's not perfect and it's not for everyone, but for me it mostly worked. I'll give it a 6/10.

6/10

The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen (1966)

- Il ladro della Gioconda
Hard to watch, 15 August 2009

Before watching The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen, all I knew about the movie was based on what little I had read on the internet. I knew that it was supposed to be a period heist film made in France in the mid-60s. I knew that the film was intended to be a mix of intrigue and comedy. And, I knew that Margaret Lee was in the movie. A heist film with comedic touches and Margaret Lee - it just had to be a winner! After watching, all I can say is what a disappointment. On reviewer called the movie, "Forgettable". Well, I can't forget The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen fast enough. First, there is no real heist. Sure, the Mona Lisa is stolen, but it takes just minutes and there's no suspense surrounding the theft at all. Second, the comedy just didn't work at all for me. Maybe I'm not in tune with what was considered comedy in France in 1966. Or maybe (and this is what I suspect) it's just not funny at all. I can't remember cracking a smile the entire runtime. Finally, while I'm happy to report that Margaret Lee is in the movie, her screen-time is limited to about five minutes and her character has no real impact on the film's plot. By the time you get settled in with your popcorn, she's gone. How disappointing! Her performance and character hardly warrant being listed third in the credits. Add to what I've already written a dull screenplay, extremely distracting and annoying music, and characters I didn't care about, and it's little wonder I can't rate The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen any higher.

3/10

G-Force (2009)

Come on Disney - you can do better than this, 10 August 2009

I'm something of a closet Disney fan. When the family and I head to Disney World this year, it will be our fifth trip in the last four years. Of the recent crop of Disney or Pixar movies, I love The Incredibles and The Emperor's New Groove. I thought Bolt was wonderful. And while I usually enjoy (or at the very least tolerate) all things Disney, G-Force positively stunk-up the joint. I can barely remember so much as a smile crossing my lips. You can see everything that's remotely funny in the trailer. G-Force is dull, boring, uninteresting, and any other negatively charged descriptive word you can come up with. The plot was beyond ridiculous and doesn't even merit a mention. The characters, both human and CGI, weren't worth caring about – and that's a big problem with a movie like this. If you don't care about the characters, you don't have much. The music is mostly inappropriate to what's going on on-screen. The special effects weren't all that special. And whoever thought that Tracy Morgan was funny doesn't know much about comedy. Overall, G-Force is a real stinker of a movie.

2/10

Our Man in Marrakesh (1966)

- Bang! Bang! You're Dead!
"I think there's been some foul play", 29 July 2009

Local crime boss Mr. Casmir (Herbert Lom) has a briefcase full of important documents to sell. He has an appointment with an unknown courier fresh to Marrakesh carrying $2 million. But which of the six seemingly innocent travelers/vacationers is the courier? When American Andrew Jessel (Tony Randall) stumbles upon a dead body in the closet of his hotel room, he gets mixed up in more intrigue than he bargained for. Jessel joins forces with the beautiful Kyra Stanovy (Senta Berger), a woman who seems incapable of telling the truth, just to survive his holiday in Marrakesh.

Our Man in Marrakesh is a highly enjoyable Euro-spy film mixed with copious amounts of comedy. I mean how can you take things too seriously when your action hero is Tony Randall? Yes that Tony Randall. Not really a he-man or anyone's idea of a spy, huh? But that's part of what makes Our Man in Marrakesh so much fun. Randall plays against type and does so brilliantly. His fish-out-of-water, put-upon nature is perfect for the role of Jessel. One of my favorite lines comes as Jessel discovers the dead body in the closet and proclaims, "I think there's been some foul play." Funny stuff! Randall is joined by one of those all-star casts that, in this case, actually works. Senta Berger, Herbert Lom, Euro-spy fav Margaret Lee, bad guy Klaus Kinski, the always funny Terry-Thomas, and Wilfrid Hyde-White add their considerable talents to the film. Sometimes when you put together one of these casts, things don't gel the way they should. Not here. Everyone comes out looking good. My only complaint is that I would have liked to have seen more from Lee and Kinski. But, then again, you can't have everything. Other big pluses from Our Man in Marrakesh include: a well-written, witty script that, fortunately, does not resort to slap stick for its humor; snappy, well-paced direction from Don Sharp; and terrific Moroccan locations. Overall, it's a wonderfully entertaining romp. An 8/10 from me.

8/10

The Headless Ghost (1959)

Lifeless, 11 June 2009

I suppose that The Headless Ghost is harmless enough, but honestly, movies don't get much more bland than this. It's a bit like eating a mayonnaise sandwich on white bread - not very exciting with nothing to look forward to. The plot is laid out in the first 10 minutes and everything that follows fits nicely in place with nary a surprise in sight. While touring a supposed haunted castle, three college students hide out so they can spend the night and write about their experiences. They soon meet a whole gang of ghosts - one of which is missing his head. To get out of the castle, the intrepid trio will have to help the ghost find his head. Unfortunately, that's about all there is to it. What a big bland way to spend an hour or so of your life! The college students are as dull as dishwater, their comedy bits are too lame to be funny, there's not a thrill or fright to be had, and the dialogue is stilted and uninteresting. In fact there's really not an exciting moment to be had in all of The Headless Ghost. A 3/10 from me.

3/10

Mama Dracula (1980)

Seriously, that's one of the worst excuses for a movie I've ever seen, 5 June 2009

What a load! Regardless of how bad a movie is, when I write on of these user comments, I usually try to add a touch of humor or a joke here or there (how effective I am, I don't know). But with Mama Dracula I've decided to dispense with this little habit and cut to the chase as it were. Mama Dracula is quite simply dreadful. I don't know when I've been less entertained by a movie. Most of it comes off as amateur hour at its worst. The plot is an incomprehensible mess. The best I got out of it was that it involved the old Elizabeth Bathory story, a pair of utterly ridiculous twin vampires, a doctor who has developed synthetic blood, and the search for virgins. But it hardly mattered as Mama Dracula's plot is there only to set up one lame comedic bit after the next – most involving the twin vampires played by the Wajneberg brothers. Two un-funnier human beings I've not seen – unless, that is, you find humor in an hour and a half of mugging for the camera. And what in God's name was Louise Fletcher doing in this garbage? That Academy Award certainly paid dividends for her. I can only assume she was either trying to help out a friend, hard up for cash, or blackmailed into appearing in the movie. She literally looks embarrassed in almost every scene she has. The rest of the cast is abysmal and the less said the better. You know, I'm usually not one to say something like this, but man, that's 90 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't walk - run if you're ever faced with the prospect of watching Mama Dracula. You'll thank me later.

1/10

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

"Santa, you will never return to Earth, you belong to Mars now.", 14 May 2009

The leaders of Mars are worried about their constantly melancholy children. They've seen enough earth TV to know that Santa Claus brings much joy and happiness to the children of Earth. What if Santa were to come to Mars? Could he make the Martian children happy? So, the leaders of Mars decide to kidnap Santa and bring him to their planet. Will it work?

If you scour the internet, you'll undoubtedly run across a number of Worst Movie Ever lists. But until you've seen the atrocity that is Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, I'm not sure you're qualified to make such a list. There are a lot of bad movies out there, but there's only on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It's bad in every conceivable way – incompetently bad acting on the part of most of the cast (Billy and Betty anyone?), some of the lamest special effects imaginable (What about that crazy polar bear?), more mugging for the camera than any one movie should be allowed (Did you catch Dropo's act?), Martian-green grease paint that comes and goes with each scene, and one of the most utterly ridiculous plots ever put to paper. Did anyone involved in the making of this thing think they were actually making a movie that was good? If so, add brain damaged cast and crew to that list of negatives. Yes, I'm fully aware that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians was intended to be a children's movie, but I'm sorry, I can't imagine a single child alive (then or now) that would sit down for more than five minutes with this abomination of a movie. In a word, it's pathetic. This is the perfect example of a movie that probably does deserve to be on a Worst Movie Ever list.

Okay, I know what you're asking yourself right now – "B2 – if the movie's as bad as you say, why have you rated it a 3/10 instead of a 1/10?" Glad you asked - as much as I hate the phrase "so bad it's good", in this case it applies in spades. I simply cannot turn away if it's on – Mystery Science Theater 3000 version or not (which, by the way, I rate a 4/5 on my MST3K rating scale). The sheer volume of craptitude draws me in like a moth to a flame. And if I'll sit and watch regardless of how much it hurts, that's got to be worth a couple of points, doesn't it?

3/10

Bachelor Flat (1962)

Terry-Thomas - Babe Magnet, 9 May 2009

There's something about the innocence of these early-to-mid 60s comedies that I find enjoyable. These movies aren't as jaded as today's so called comedies, relying on comedy, writing, and the talent of the actors. I'm sure that there are situations in Bachelor Flat that someone in 1962 might have found scandalous, but today I can't imagine anyone batting an eye at the film. Maybe I'm getting old, but in a way I really miss these movies.

The plot of Bachelor Flat finds the very British Terry-Thomas playing an anthropologist named Professor Patterson at a California university. For whatever reason, the women in his life are drawn to him like flies to sugar. He's a babe magnet! This set-up creates quit a few comedic moments as young and old women alike throw themselves at the good professor. Things really get complicated when the 17 year-old daughter of his fiancé (of whom he's unaware – the daughter, not the fiancé) suddenly shows up at the doorstep of the house he rents from his bride to be.

At its worst, Bachelor Flat is a harmless enough diversion. It might not be the best or funniest movie I've ever seen, but I was entertained throughout most of the 91 minute runtime. At its best, watching the stiff, very British Terry-Thomas deal with the multitude of women he finds mysteriously attracted to him is often quite funny. But this is also the film's biggest weakness. Terry-Thomas is best at playing the scheming, conniving villainous role. Being the object of desire to a string of attractive women just doesn't seem right. He's okay in the role, just not a very good casting decision in my opinion. Then again, maybe that's what the people behind Bachelor Flat were going for – playing Terry-Thomas against stereotype. If that's the case, they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams.

6/10