Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)

"We didn't come here to fight monsters, we're not equipped for it.", 12 February 2008

A group of scientists heads up an Amazonian river in search of the fossilized remains of an unknown link between man and aquatic life. But the team of researchers gets more than they bargained for when they encounter a living example of their prehistoric Gill-Man. After a member of their party is killed, the group decides it best to leave the Black Lagoon. But the creature has become enamored with Kay (Julie Addams), the only female on the expedition, and blocks the scientist's retreat. Will they escape the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

As I think back to the late 60s, Creature from the Black Lagoon is one of the very first movies I can remember seeing. Its appeal to me was immediate and long lasting. The scenes of the creature's hand reaching up on the shore of the lagoon sent chills down my spine. And the four note musical introduction to the first images of the creature very nearly knocked me off the couch. Even at a young age, I knew it was a man in a costume, but that didn't matter. The creature design was awesome – it was frightening and fascinating all at once. The underwater photography was breathtaking. The shots of the creature swimming just under Julie Addams were the stuff of nightmares. Creepy! The underwater fight scenes, the spear-gun, Nestor Paiva, and the hidden grotto – I couldn't get enough of it. To my 5 or 6 year-old mind, Creature from the Black Lagoon was the perfect movie.

I'm not 5 anymore, but my opinion hasn't changed much. The cool thing is that I still get a charge out of that hand coming out of the water, I still jump a little when the creature music blares at his first appearance, and I still love the shots of the creature swimming under Julie Addams. I don't think I'll ever get tired of any of it.

10/10

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)

"I wanna go to Dog Heaven!", 12 February 2008

Where to start with this bizarre modern-day retelling of the H.G. Wells' classic? In many respects, The Island of Dr. Moreau is a train wreck of a movie. On so many levels, it's an unmitigated disaster. The problems on the set with the cast and crew are legendary. People getting fired, others getting mad and walking off, and some distracted by personal issues – it must have been like living a soap opera. Maybe it's all these competing issues that helps to make what should be an unwatchable mess so interesting. For all its faults, The Island of Dr. Moreau is actually quite an enjoyable experience.

Bizarre would be a good word to describe much of The Island of Dr. Moreau – and I'm not just talking about the events in the movie's plot. The characters are just plain weird. Each appears to be competing with the other to be the most bizarre. David Thewlis' Edward Douglas goes through range of emotions including fear, lust, anger, and disinterest. If it weren't for Marlon Brando, Val Kilmer's Montgomery would be one of the strangest characters in movie history. He's like some sort of butch game-keeper with a death wish. But Brando is in the movie and his Dr. Moreau tops everyone. The scene with Brando in a muumuu and an ice bucket hat is a sight that must be seen to be believed. Words cannot do it justice. Add to that the variety of half-man, half-animal creatures on the island and you've got one strange collection of characters.

Speaking of the creatures, the make-up effects are the film's strongest assets. Some, like Hyena or the Sayer of the Law, are as good examples of creature make-up as you'll see. These effects do add a certain creepiness to the whole thing (that is if you can keep from laughing at Brando's latest get-up).

Despite enjoying much of the movie, I cannot call The Island of Dr. Moreau a particularly "good" movie – not in the traditional sense anyway. The movie has too many problems to do that. The movie is terribly paced, any attempts at drama or horror are usurped by the ridiculousness of the characters, some of the special effects look like they came from a Nintendo 64, and, frustratingly, none of the characters demonstrate anything remotely resembling common sense. As much as I hate to do it, but because of my mixed feelings, I feel forced to give The Island of Dr. Moreau a very wishy-washy 5/10.

5/10

Cosmic Princess (1982) (TV)

I've never been a fan of Space: 1999 - and this changes nothing, 12 February 2008

I grew up during 1960s and 1970s and there's still a lot of television from this period that I enjoy – The Avengers, Rat Patrol, Hogan's Heroes, Charlie's Angels, and Mission: Impossible just to name a few examples. I bring this up because Cosmic Princess is essentially two episodes of Space: 1999, a syndicated sci-fi television program produced from 1975 to 1977. I was never a fan so cobbling two episodes together and calling it a movie has very little appeal to me. In a word, it's as dull as dishwater. Things take forever to happen. It's tedious to the nth degree. The sets and scripts make the original Star Trek (another show I'm not a big fan of) look like they spent a fortune. Maybe someone who actually enjoyed Space: 1999 would find something to like about Cosmic Princess (and I know the show has fans), but I'm not that person.

Because Cosmic Princess is two episodes of Space: 1999, there are two distinct plots. The first (originally called The Metamorph) finds the crew of Moonbase Alpha in the clutches of Mentor (Brian Blessed) who wants to drain their souls to power a machine he hopes to use to restore his planet to its former glory. I'll admit, Blessed's performance is a treat. The man is an awesome actor. The crew escapes with Mentor's daughter, Maya, just before the planet blows up. In the second half of Cosmic Princess (originally titled Space Warp), Maya transforms herself into a hideous being and goes on a rampage attempting to escape and return to her home planet. The highlight of this segment is an unintentionally hilarious moon buggy chase.

Like many people who have seen Cosmic Princess in the past few years, I did so via a low quality DVD-R of an old Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. This particular episode of MST3K was part of the Minneapolis public-access run before the show hit the "big time". Some of the jokes work, but like a lot of the KTMA shows, the riffs are far too inconsistent to call it good. I'll give it a 2/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

3/10

The Devil Has Seven Faces (1971)

- Il diavolo a sette facce
A Mixed Bag, 11 February 2008

It's tough to pigeonhole a movie like The Devil Has 7 Faces. While I'm going to call it a Giallo, I do so with reservations. The Devil Has 7 Faces may not include the normal black-gloved, knife-welding mania, or even a body count usually associated with this kind of movie, but it does have enough of the Giallo feel to it in my mind to be called a Giallo. And when you mix in a smarmy George Hilton, Carroll Baker (who I'm not particularly a fan of), a super "loungey" score from Stelvio Cipriani, and a convoluted plot, the result is a film that most any Giallo/Euro-Crime fan can find something to enjoy.

The plot involves a woman named Julie Harrison (Baker) who is being terrorized by a gang of jewel thieves. It soon comes out that her twin sister, Mary, was involved in major diamond heist, but double-crossed her husband/partner. Have the jewel thieves confused Julie and Mary?

Unfortunately, the movie is not without its problems. Chief among them is the mediocre direction of Osvaldo Civirani. He seems incapable of creating suspense or tension even in the most obvious of moments. He also handles many of the key plot twists with all the finesse of a gorilla. Much of the movie's outcome is painfully obvious long before it should be. Finally, there are a couple of "What the . . . " type moments in The Devil Has 7 Faces. I don't want to give anything away, but there are some things that happen in the movie that just left me scratching my head.

5/10

The Million Eyes of Sumuru (1967)

What a groovy movie!, 10 February 2008

Sumuru (Shirley Eaton) is a woman bent on world domination. Her plan is to have her army of women get close the world's most powerful men, kill them, and assume their power. But standing in her way are two secret agents – Agents Tommy Carter (Frankie Avalon) and Nick West (George Nader). They convince a couple of Sumuru's followers to come over to their side before leading a raid on her island. But will they get Sumuru?

The Million Eyes of Sumuru is just quirky enough for me to really enjoy it. It's the kind of movie you can't take seriously – you have to go with it. I just love these 60s spy-type movies with their armies of scantily clad women, secret island liars, and groovy secret agents. What an awesome time it was! And, the fact that The Million Eyes of Sumuru was shot in China with a cast that includes Eaton, Avalon, Klaus Kinski, Maria Rohm, and Wilfrid Hyde-White (of all people) only adds to the already bizarre feel of the movie. Movies like this may not be for everyone (just take a look at the IMDb rating), but for me their just too much fun.

I would love to see a cleaned-up, legitimate, Region 1 release of The Million Eyes of Sumuru. I'm convinced I would have rated the film higher than a 6/10 had I not been watching the MST3K version of the movie recorded off of Minneapolis public access television in the late 1980s. The Million Eyes of Sumuru deserves better than that.

6/10

Truck Turner (1974)

"Turner's like a bulldog with eyes up his ass!", 9 February 2008

Truck Turner (Issac Hayes) is a former football star turned bounty hunter. His latest case puts him on the trail of a notoriously vicious pimp named Gator. Though it's not his original intention, Turner kills Gator during a gunfight. This is when all hell breaks loose in Turner's life. It seems that Gator's main woman, Dorinda (Nichelle Nichols), isn't too happy about losing her man. She offers Gator's girls and the cash they can bring in to the pimp who can bring her the head of Truck Turner.

Issac Hayes may be more of a singer than an actor, but as Truck Turner, he's incredible. Hayes is one cool cat! Whether it's chasing baddies across a rooftop, pulling out that cannon of a gun he carries, or driving in a high speed chase, Hayes pulls it all off and is believable every step of the way. The film also manages to mix some very nice comedy into all the action. Gator's funeral scene is a scream and real highlight of the film. As you might expect, Hayes did the soundtrack. While the music may not be as memorable as what he did for Shaft, it's still nothing short of phenomenal. Hayes is joined by a very solid group of co-stars including wonderful performances by Yaphet Kotto (as the mega-pimp Harvard Blue), Alan Weeks (as Turner's partner Jerry), and Annazette Chase (in the small but pivotal role of Turner's girlfriend). Kotto's always a favorite of mine, but I was just as impressed by the work of the "unknowns". But the real stand-out in the cast is Nichelle Nichols. What a woman! Who knew she had that kind of performance in her? Watching her slapping around whores is a long way from Commander Uhuru on Star Trek.

8/10

Star Trek: Generations (1994)

"Actually, Captain, I am familiar with history. And if I'm not mistaken, you're dead.", 9 February 2008

I remember seeing Star Trek: Generations in the theater back in 1994. At the time, I was so heavily into Star Trek: The Next Generation that anything with Picard and Data was going appeal to me. Seeing it now, some 13 years later, the best word I can think of to describe the experience is "silly". Oh, I enjoyed bits and pieces of the movie, but overall, Star Trek: Generations has to be one of the silliest movies I can remember seeing recently. From an overweight and much too old William Shatner attempting to play an action hero to the incredibly annoying subplot involving Data and an emotion chip, it's all so silly. How in the world did I ever think this tripe was good?

The plot involves a scientist named Soran (Malcolm McDowell) and his attempt to enter a mysterious energy ribbon called the Nexus. His plan, though, would require the destruction of the Enterprise and an entire planet. Captains Picard and Kirk must put a stop to the madman's plans.

The best thing Star Trek: Generations has going for it is McDowell. The man proves once again that regardless of the poorly written script and ridiculous plot, he's capable of giving a solid performance. In comparison, I'm really not shocked to see that most of the rest of the Star Trek cast has done very little of note since this movie.

4/10