Poirot "Murder on the Links" #6.3 (1996) (TV)

Other than a poorly timed flashback, not much to complain about, 21 April 2008

While on holiday with his friend, Captain Hastings, renowned detective Hercule Poirot is pressed into service to help solve a murder. A very wealthy man's body has been discovered in a sand bunker at a golf course with a knife in his back. His wife is found bound and gagged with a story of two Chilean kidnappers that took her husband in the middle of the night. With no other witnesses, the police quite naturally believe the woman's story. But to Poirot, these events seem oddly familiar and quite suspicious. Poirot must look back into the past to stop a killer from murdering again in the future.

As with Hickory Dickory Dock (which I wrote about yesterday), Murder on the Links is a good episode, just not a great one. There are a number of changes from Agatha Christie's original work – most I didn't really care for. I suppose, however, one has to expect that certain creative licenses will be taken to adapt Christie's books to the screen. And other than one significant issue I have with an early flashback (which I will get to in a moment), most of the mystery elements from the book are here and most work satisfactorily. The acting is nice. I've run out of positives to say about David Suchet. He, quite simply, IS Poirot. Hugh Fraser gives another wonderfully understated performance as Poirot's Dr. Watson, Captain Hastings. The supporting cast is strong, but none of the actors really stand out above the others. Another big plus for Murder on the Links is the attention to detail taken in the sets and the setting. I'm no expert, but the movie looks like it's straight out of the 1930s. Sure, there are one or two discrepancies here and there, but overall, the movie looks incredible. The train station and the hotel are both amazing.

My biggest complaint with Murder on the Links comes from a flashback at the very beginning of the movie. Certain key elements of the mystery are revealed way to early in the script. You find out things within the first 5 minutes that would have been best left until near the end. Otherwise, I don't have any other significant issues with this installment of the Poirot series. A 7/10 seems about right to me.

7/10

Xena: Warrior Princess "Callisto" #1.22 (1996)

"As a villain, you were awesome. As a hero, you're a sentimental fool.", 25 February 2008

When a blond warrior claiming to be Xena begins killing innocent people, the real Xena and sidekick Gabrielle decide they must do something to put a stop to it. The mysterious killer turns out to be Callisto, a woman who has known nothing but hatred for Xena all of her life. Callisto blames Xena for the death of her family and has vowed to destroy Xena and everything she holds dear.

The introduction of Xena's nemesis Callisto is easily one of the highlights of the series' entire run. Xena is the Ying to Callisto's Yang – they're oil and water – they're sweet and sour – they're any tired old cliché you can think of. But when they're together, it's fantastic! Their fight scenes are wonderfully entertaining. The ladder battle in the episode titled "Callisto" is one of the best the show ever presented (and that's a lot of fight scenes). Fortunately for fans of the show, the producers saw fit to bring Callisto back season after season – even after she had been killed several times over. But it's this meeting, their first, that I find extra-special.

I think much of credit for the success of the Xena/Callisto relationship has to go to Hudson Leick. The hatred she expresses with her eyes, the contempt conveyed through her body, and the snarl of her voice – it's all so real. You can all but feel the venom she spews forth. It's almost palatable. Answering Xena's question about what she would do if she were set free, Callisto answers, "You let me go, and I'll dedicate my life to killing everything you love. Your friends, your family, your reputation - even your horse." Now that's hatred!

8/10

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)

"I wanna go to Dog Heaven!", 12 February 2008

Where to start with this bizarre modern-day retelling of the H.G. Wells' classic? In many respects, The Island of Dr. Moreau is a train wreck of a movie. On so many levels, it's an unmitigated disaster. The problems on the set with the cast and crew are legendary. People getting fired, others getting mad and walking off, and some distracted by personal issues – it must have been like living a soap opera. Maybe it's all these competing issues that helps to make what should be an unwatchable mess so interesting. For all its faults, The Island of Dr. Moreau is actually quite an enjoyable experience.

Bizarre would be a good word to describe much of The Island of Dr. Moreau – and I'm not just talking about the events in the movie's plot. The characters are just plain weird. Each appears to be competing with the other to be the most bizarre. David Thewlis' Edward Douglas goes through range of emotions including fear, lust, anger, and disinterest. If it weren't for Marlon Brando, Val Kilmer's Montgomery would be one of the strangest characters in movie history. He's like some sort of butch game-keeper with a death wish. But Brando is in the movie and his Dr. Moreau tops everyone. The scene with Brando in a muumuu and an ice bucket hat is a sight that must be seen to be believed. Words cannot do it justice. Add to that the variety of half-man, half-animal creatures on the island and you've got one strange collection of characters.

Speaking of the creatures, the make-up effects are the film's strongest assets. Some, like Hyena or the Sayer of the Law, are as good examples of creature make-up as you'll see. These effects do add a certain creepiness to the whole thing (that is if you can keep from laughing at Brando's latest get-up).

Despite enjoying much of the movie, I cannot call The Island of Dr. Moreau a particularly "good" movie – not in the traditional sense anyway. The movie has too many problems to do that. The movie is terribly paced, any attempts at drama or horror are usurped by the ridiculousness of the characters, some of the special effects look like they came from a Nintendo 64, and, frustratingly, none of the characters demonstrate anything remotely resembling common sense. As much as I hate to do it, but because of my mixed feelings, I feel forced to give The Island of Dr. Moreau a very wishy-washy 5/10.

5/10

Werewolf (1996)

"Wuur-wilf? You mean Joel thinks this thing is a wuur-wilf?", 6 November 2007

When I write one of these little reviews, there are certain words I try to avoid when describing a movie. Some words just don't seem appropriate. But when it comes to Werewolf, I'm going to break this rule. Werewolf has to be one of the stupidest movies I've ever seen. While watching Werewolf, it's difficult to fathom that an upright walking human with opposable thumbs and an I.Q. above that of a water sprinkler could have made something so inept. Werewolf's plot is an absolute unadulterated mess. You could give cameras to a band of poo throwing monkeys and end up with a more coherent movie. The actors are given some of the most inane dialogue ever recorded. And it doesn't help matters that three of the main characters (Adrianna Miles being the worst offender) sound more like they need to be in an ESL class than shooting a movie. If Joe Estevez emoting like there's no tomorrow is the highlight of the movie, you know you're in deep trouble. In short, Werewolf is a disaster.

But, as bad as Werewolf admittedly is, coming up with a rating has proved more difficult that I imagined. Much of the movie is so unintentionally hilarious that I was entertained despite the multitude of problems. Take the film's continuity (or lack thereof) as an example. Watching actor Jorge Rivero's hair go from almost black and slicked back to slightly graying with less of a greasy look to brown with blond highlights and a feathered appearance all in a matter of 15 minutes is too funny. Or take the scenes where the werewolf transforms from an actor in makeup to a stuffed animal being shaken at the camera to someone in a bear suit all within 45 seconds – it's laugh-out-loud, hold your sides so they don't split hysterical. But in the end, it's still a pathetic movie and a rating of 2/10 seems somehow generous.

2/10

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)

"Excuse me, but have you seen my little monkey?", 29 June 2007

How do you explain a movie like Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders? On its surface, the movie seems to be some sort of children's fantasy that was marketed at families. I mean what's wrong with a movie that features a kindly grandfather telling his grandson a couple of harmless bedtime stories about Merlin the Magician? Well, when the two bedtime stories in question feature pets dying in fires, people turning into horrible creatures, and images of Satan – I would say there's a whole lot wrong with it. And surely the movie wasn't aimed at real, hardcore horror fans. The combination of the grandfather and Merlin would be enough to turn off any real horror fanatic.

Getting past the question of the movie's target audience, the movie itself offers very little. The movie's set-up as an anthology is clunky at best. As I've indicated, Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders features two wrappings – (1) the grandfather and (2) Merlin. Bad idea all the way around! As for the two featurettes, neither is anything to get excited about. The first is entirely predictable and features poor acting and special effects. And director Kenneth Berton got even lazier with the second featurette. It's nothing more than a chopped-up version of a movie he made in 1984 – 12 years previously. I don't mean he remade that movie – he re-used it! I seem to remember seeing the 1984 movie and not enjoying it. It's not any better with a new name and a dozen years later.

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders makes for a very disappointing MST3K episode. With something this bad and utterly ridiculous, I would have expected a real home-run. I've seen the MST3k episode a couple of times not and cannot rate it any higher than a 2/5 – don't put it at the top of your "to see" list.

2/10

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)

"Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.", 24 March 2007

I readily admit it – I'm an unabashed MST3K fan. The concept may be simple, but it's given me hours of entertainment over the years. While I don't necessarily think some of the movies featured on MST3K deserved to be on the show, some episodes are laugh-out-loud funny (MST3K's treatment of Mitchell immediately comes to mind). So I was one of those excited about the prospects of a movie based on the television show. But, honestly, I find Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie disappointing. Sure, there are a few good laughs to be had, but overall, it cannot compare with the best of the MST3K episodes.

What went wrong? As I indicated previously, I don't think some of the films used on MST3K deserved to be there. This Island Earth is one of those films. It's a solid 50s sci-fi film that I would rate a 7/10 on its own. I would have thought that for Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie, the producers would have selected something much worse than this. And why cut This Island Earth? Here again the producers picked the wrong movie. If they were going to turn a 90 minute television show (without commercials) into a 73 minute movie, why pick This Island Earth and its 87 minute runtime? There are plenty of really bad movie with a runtime of right at an hour. Finally, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie lacks to flow found in the television show. I've read that the director slowed down the pace of the movie riffing so theater audiences wouldn't miss anything while laughing. It's this rapid-fire pacing of some of the better MST3K episodes that made it funny.

6/10

Humanoids from the Deep (1996) (TV)

See the Original, 4 February 2005

Humanoids from the Deep (1996) is a remake of a 1980 film of the same name. The original was not the greatest, but the remake is horrible. The basic story: Through some crazy experimentation, death-row inmates have been mutated into killer (for lack of a better word) fishmen. They kidnap women with whom they mate. The father and boyfriend of one of the victims must save her before it's too late.

The movie stars Robert Carradine and Emma Samms. For the most part, both act as if they would rather be anywhere than making this movie. Carradine actually sounds as if he's reading many of his lines. His lines are delivered with no emotion whatsoever. And what lines they are. Some of the silliest dialogue imaginable.

The people populating this movie are especially dumb. Once it's established that fishmen are killing and abducting the citizens, do you think the townspeople cancel their water festival? No! They go right ahead. They seem genuinely surprised when the festival is invaded by the fishmen. What dolts! The special effects are also weak. The fishmen are never seen in any one shot for very long. This is probably because their plastic heads are more unrealistic than the cheesiest of the 50s monster films. The birth sequence is a direct rip-off of Alien, but nowhere near as effective.

If you really want to see a monster film, find another. This one is terrible.

2/10