Yambao (1957)

Not what I was hoping for, 11 February 2017

I'm going to be real lazy here and just copy the plot summary from IMDb - "Cuba, 1850. On a sugar-cane plantation, the master and his wife are happy : they're expecting a child, their slaves are quiet. But tonight, as the full moon rises, the sound of the drums are in the air. Yambao, the grand-daughter of a sorceress killed 15 years ago, has come back.. With her grand-mother's spirit." Much better and more succinct that I could ever have put it.

Overall, I'll call Yambao a disappointment. From what little I'd read in the past about the movie, it is neither as good or as scandalous as I'd been led to believe. I'd call it a fairly lame, predictable melodrama with way too much dancing, drumming, and chanting. Star Ninón Sevilla is the one bright spot. I'm not familiar with her other work, but here, she really gives it her all. Sevilla shines in every scene. She's a naturally sensuous woman and conveys that sensuality in her every move. The script here, however, lets her down. Co-star Ramon Gay is too bland to give her much to work with. A real disappointment.

4/10

Secret of the Incas (1954)

"I've seen so many women cry it doesn't impress me anymore.", 28 January 2017

Harry Steele (Charlton Heston) is working as a tour guide of sorts in the Peru. However, his ultimate goal is the treasure he believes he can find high in the mountains at Machu Picchu. Into his life walks a woman with the answers to his prayers - a plane that can get him to the top of the mountain. But she brings something else - he falls for her. In the end, what will it be - treasure or love?

As others have pointed out, the comparisons with Indiana Jones are more than obvious - dress, map room, search for treasure, etc. When Secret of the Incas focuses on the adventure and the search for gold, it's very good. Too bad melodrama too often gets in the way of a good time - but wasn't that the case in a lot of these 50s era adventure films. Charlton Heston is quit good here and very believable. Nicole Maurey, whom I don't remember seeing before, is a revelation. One of the real stars has to be the locations. The real life Peruvian sets are spectacular. Overall, not a bad way to spend 90 minutes.

6/10

Untamed Youth (1957)

2.0? Come on - it's better than that!, 11 December 2009

Untamed Youth is the story of a couple of sisters headed to California to make their fortunes in show business. Along the way, the pair are picked-up on a trumped-up charge and sentenced to serve 30 days hard labor on a cotton farm. The sisters aren't alone – the farm is teaming with young people who are little more than slave labor for the less than upstanding cotton plantation owner.

This early teen exploitation film is an absolute blast. The IMDb rating of 2.0 is criminally low. It's not perfect, but it is better than a 2.0 rating would indicate. I feel sorry for anyone who can't watch a movie like Untamed Youth and enjoy it for what it is. You can't take this stuff seriously. I suppose part of the reason behind the low rating is that Untamed Youth appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000. There are far too many people out there who foolishly assume that if a movie appeared on MST3K, it must be bad. That's just not the case. An interesting (albeit predictable) plot, Mamie Van Doren, rock-n-roll, a scandalous subplot involving unmarried pregnancy (racy stuff), the train-wreck of a relationship/marriage between the judge and the plantation owner that's impossible not to "enjoy", fights, dancing, a good baddie (John Russell is excellent), the always cute Lori Nelson, Eddie Cochran (though I admit he does very little for me), a sense of fun about the whole thing – it's one cool movie!

A few other thoughts – first, Mamie can't sing. Every song she belts out sounds just like the one before. Call me crazy, but I don't think she was hired for her vocal talents. Second, what was in that dog food they were feeding the kids? Must have been something good for them – pickin' cotton all day and rock-n-rolling all night. Third, it's hard to believe that Lori Nelson made this AFTER she made Revenge of the Creature. I would have thought that movie might have done more for her career. Third, Mamie in the shower – wow!

7/10

The Girl in Lovers Lane (1960)

"Pa doesn't know much about girls' clothes.", 11 September 2009

The Girl in Lovers Lane is one strange little low-budget film. On its surface, the movie tells the story of a tough drifter named Bix (Brett Halsey) who spends his time looking out for a young kid named Danny (Lowell Brown) and the girl, Carrie (Joyce Meadows), that Bix meets who would like to look out for him. Nothing overly interesting happens (Bix goes out with Carrie, Bix gets Danny out of trouble, Carrie's father drinks a lot, etc.) until about 10 minutes to go in the movie when Carrie is murdered. Her father blames Bix, pulls him out of a jail cell, and just about beats him to death. Now their roles are reversed and Danny has to save Bix.

Until I read the reviews on IMDb, I thought that maybe it was just me reading more into Bix and Danny's relationship than was really there, but I see now that I'm not alone. It was quite obvious to me early on that Bix and Danny had more of a relationship than you usually see in a movie from 1959. The homosexual nature of their relationship, while never openly expressed, is still quite obvious. Their living and sleeping arrangements, Bix's reaction to finding Danny in bed with a prostitute, Bix's inability to commit to Carrie, and that phone call at the end when Danny tells his parents he's "brining home a friend are a few examples of moments that lead to the inevitable conclusion that there's more to their relationship than initially meets the eye. I'm sure they exist, but I can't think of any movies I've seen from the 50s that scream homosexual quite as loudly as this one.

As for the movie, I don't know any other way to put this – it's boring. As I wrote earlier, nothing much at all happens for 90% of the run time. The characters are dull and the actors aren't good enough to give The Girl in Lovers Lane much of a spark. The lone exception is Jack Elam. His crazy Jesse is the one character interesting enough to be worth watching. Elam had creepy down pat! But I guess the biggest problem I had with the movie was with character motivation and logic. Carrie is killed and Bix is immediately blamed? What about crazy Jesse who has been stalking Carrie for probably her whole life? Anyone think to ask Jesse where he was that night? Her father has seen him bother Carrie at the diner, yet he never considers that the leering Jesse might have something to do with his daughter's death? Not a lot of logic there. And what about Jesse's confession? Danny grabs Jesse by the lapel and this is all it takes to force a confession out of Jesse? Real tough guy, huh? Why would he confess so easily? And after he confesses, no one thinks to grab him? It's awfully nice of Jesse just to stay put and not run off. In any other reality, he would have never spilled his guts and would have run like a rabbit if he had been fingered for the murder. The fact that The Girl in Lovers Lane asks me to accept these ridiculous actions on the part of the characters is something I'm not willing to do. Overall, I'm giving The Girl in Lovers Lane a 4/10.

4/10

The Disappearance of Flight 412 (1974) (TV)

"This is a UFO - an Unidentified Flying Object.", 10 August 2009

A radar plane (the titular Flight 412) on a routine training mission out of Whitney AFB suddenly spots three unidentified objects on its radar. The objects are confirmed by ground radar. Marine fighters are scrambled. But just as the jet fighters get close , the planes suddenly disappear from the radar – followed shortly by the three unidentified objects. Afterwards, Flight 412 is rerouted to a secret facility where its four man crew are subjected to an interrogation about what they've seen. Or as the men are continually told, what they "think" thy might have seen. Colonel Pete Moore (Glenn Ford) sets out to find his men and bring them back home.

As hard as The Disappearance of Flight 412 strives to have the look and feel of a documentary, it never pulls it off. Instead, the movie comes across as exactly what it is – a movie of the week masquerading as a serious look at the U.S. government's cover-up of UFOs. For example, the movie makes it seem like the men on Flight 412 crack in one night with a minimum of hardship or discomfort. Good thing these guys weren't in combat. They'd have given away every secret the U.S. had in a week's time. It's not a very realistic portrayal of these well trained men.

In addition to the problems with the plot, The Disappearance of Flight 412 is never able to shake its made-for-TV origins. The sets look cheap, there is absolutely no originality as far as the cinematography goes, no special effects of any kind (the UFOs appear only as bleeps on a radar screen), and, other than Glenn Ford, most of the rest of the cast will be familiar to anyone who watched TV in the 70s. Not that the actors do a bad job – quite the opposite in fact. The acting is one of the movie's highlights. David Soul, in particular, gives a really nice performance. Other familiar faces in the cast include Guy Stockwell and Bradford Dillman.

In the end, I'll call The Disappearance of Flight 412 a slightly below average experience. As such, a 4/10 seems about right.

4/10

Superdome (1978) (TV)

Charlie Jones, 23 March 2009

The championship game is only a couple of days away, but things in New Orleans aren't as they should be. From players with marital problems to drug overdoses to gambling problems to a killer on the loose, life is getting in the way of what should be a memorable, wonderful time. Can things be put back into order and a killer stopped before the big game is ruined?

Despite what you might think when you first read about Superdome, this is not a football movie. In fact football is nothing more than a plot device and an after thought. Instead, Superdome is another of those lousy soap opera-ish 70s made-for-TV movies populated with Hollywood has beens and those that never will be. The cast sleepwalks its way through the thing with no one really looking good. The best (or worst) example is Van Johnson in a very small role looking generally lost as to why he's there. The plot is dull, uninteresting, and unbelievable. Donna Mills as a hit"man"? Yeah, right! It's about as believable as the affair she has with the liquor soaked David Jansen. The movie also lacks any pace. Trying to get all four or five story lines into the film zaps whatever flow Superdome might have had. With no drama or suspense in sight, Superdome ends up being a very poor example of a 70s made-for-TV movie. The lone highlight for me was the voice-over work from the late Charlie Jones - a sportscaster I miss listening to. The eloquent way he overstates the intrigue and over-hypes the atmosphere in New Orleans is pure cheese at its finest.

Like most others who have seen Superdome, I also did so courtesy of Mystery Science Theater 3000. It may be one of the KTMA public access episodes, but it's one of the best examples of the shows early start. So even though I've only rated Superdome a 2/10, I'll give this episode a generous 3/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

2/10

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)

"Once you've looked into the darkness I think you carry it with you for the rest of your life.", 3 December 2008

Supposedly based on (or should that be "inspired by"?) real events, The Exorcism of Emily Rose tells the story of a priest put on trial for the murder of a girl who died while undergoing an exorcism. Despite what the ads that ran when it was in the theater would have had you believe, it is not the story of Emily as much as it is the story of Father Moore's trial. Included in the many twists in the plot is whether or not the court will accept scientific evidence to support the claim of possession by demons. It's really an interesting and, for the most part, well done film. I had no problems with the plot, the logic behind the central themes in the movie, the acting, or most anything else. I actually quite enjoyed the movie. And as a bonus, I found that much of the film succeeded in being scary. I know a lot of people find these movies about God and demons to be unbelievable, but I think if you grew up with the Church and believing in Jesus, these movies can still be effective. If it weren't for a couple of issues I had with the movie, I could have easily rated it an 8/10. Where the movie really falters is in some of the character motivation and the lighting. Movies with horror themes are usually darkly lit – I understand that. But there were some scenes where I had trouble seeing what was going on. I'm beginning to think I've got a problem with my eyes, but, for example, I could barely make out what was going on in the barn during the exorcism scenes. Or take the scenes of Father Moore in prison. What real prison is so dimly lit? Most prisons I've seen will burn your retinas with the overhead fluorescents you can't escape. And the characters didn't make things any easier on me with the ridiculousness of some of their actions. Suppose you were like Emily and thought you might be possessed by demons. Do you really think you would walk down a dark hall without once trying to turn on the lights? Or what if you were the attorney, Erin Bruner, and you had started experiencing freaky things at 3:00 am every morning. Would you really stumble through your house looking for things that go bump in the night without once turning on a light? The answer to both questions – no you wouldn't. Please, somebody turn on a light! It was so frustrating. I was ready to pull out what little hair I have left.

6/10

House of Flying Daggers (2004)

- Shi mian mai fu
"Just call me Wind.", 13 July 2008

Sometimes after watching a movie, I'm at a complete loss for words. Sometimes there's just so much I want to write that I'm afraid to even attempt it for fear of leaving things out or not expressing my thoughts as clearly as I would like. That's the case with House of Flying Daggers. The movie is so . . . well, the movie is so perfect that I doubt I could ever do it justice. To say I was overwhelmed by the movie's plot, acting, and direction would be a gross understatement. The plot drew me in from the word "go". All of the many twists and turns worked flawlessly on me. I couldn't wait to see what would happen next. As for the acting, all three of the main actors were perfect in their roles. It's hard to pick a favorite between Takeshi Kaneshiro, Andy Lau, and Ziyi Zhang – though I suppose Ziyi Zhang as the blind warrior was the most impressive. This is the first movie by director Yimou Zhang that I've seen, but it won't be the last. Not only does he keep things flowing at a wonderful pace, but he's made a movie that has to be one of the most beautiful works of art I've ever seen. I would love to freeze and print almost every frame of House of Flying Daggers to hang on my walls. Stunning is the word that comes to mind.

I'll end here realizing that I'm leaving a lot out like a plot description (I wouldn't want to ruin a second for someone else). To sum it all up, House of Flying Daggers is easily one of the very best movies I've ever seen. A 10/10 isn't good enough for it.

10/10

Kiss of the Dragon (2001)

"I don't sell shrimp chips.", 13 July 2008

Liu Jian (Jet Li) is a Chinese policeman sent to France to help with the apprehension of big-time Chinese drug lord. But Jian is quickly double-crossed and finds himself on the run having been accused of murder. The one person who may be able to help him is a drug-addicted prostitute whose child is being held hostage by the same man who set-up Jian - and he's a high-ranking French policeman. Jian and the prostitute make for an unlikely pair, but they'll have to work together to make things right.

As an action movie, Kiss of the Dragon gets several things right. Both Jet Li and Bridget Fonda are more than capable of pulling off this kind of movie. Li, in particular, is exceptionally good showing the moves that have made him an internationally acclaimed martial arts star. He does a lot of different moves in the movie but my particular favorite is a quick one involving a pool ball that he sends flying with a well placed foot. Unfortunately, beyond the two stars and a wickedly evil performance by Tchéky Karyo, the rest of the movie is pretty average. It's one action/martial arts cliché after then next with the child being held hostage the icing on the cake. The only action standard the movie fails to include is letting the male and female leads fall in love with each other. And I'm glad because that would have really ruined the movie. As it is, Kiss of the Dragon is a harmless enough time waster that may lack creativity, but benefits from the presence of Jet Li.

6/10

Gator (1976)

What happened to Gator McKlusky?, 19 June 2008

A two-time loser like Gator McKlusky (Burt Reynolds) will do anything to avoid a third strike and a long prison stint. So when a big city revenuer asks for Gator's help, what choice does he have? Gator's mission is to get the goods on Bama McCall (Jerry Reed), the nasty crime boss of a neighboring county. Gator gets something else he hadn't counted on, however, when he falls for television reporter Aggie Maybank (Lauren Hutton). Can he get the girl and the goon?

As is the case with most sequels, Gator is a vastly inferior movie to its predecessor, White Lightning. Everything that made that movie so good and so memorable is missing from Gator. While there are a few good moments like the opening boat chase, the movie doesn't have the same gritty feel to it that characterized White Lightning. Gator trades much of the action of White Lightning for a tired, dull romance between Reynolds and Hutton. Not only isn't it believable (especially if you know the Gator character from the first movie), but the outcome of the relationship is terribly predictable. "Sappy" and Gator McKlusky just shouldn't be used together.

But the most offensive part of Gator is Burt Reynolds. In White Lightning, he played it straight. From my review of White Lightning, "One of the coolest things about White Lightning is that it presents Burt Reynolds as an actor at the top of his game. This was a Burt Reynolds who seemed to actually care about the final product and not just yucking it up with his buddies on screen." In Gator, far too often Reynolds reverts to the clown he would become in movies like Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run. That laugh of his just grates on my nerves. There are times in Gator when Reynolds and Reed are on screen together that I swear it's like a test run for Smokey and the Bandit. And it's not surprising to see Hal Needham's name in the credits as Second Unit Director.

Overall, Gator is a huge disappointment. I'm being generous with my 3/10 rating.

3/10

Two-Lane Blacktop (1971)

"Performance and image, that's what it's all about.", 12 April 2008

I watched Two-Lane Blacktop last night for the first time and all I can say is "Wow". While I may not be one of those who proclaims it to be the greatest movie ever filmed, it is certainly a fine piece of American cinema. I'm not sure I've ever seen a film quite like it. That's because there aren't many directors out there like Monte Hellman with the guts or patience to make something like Two-Lane Blacktop. For starters, the cast includes non-actors in three of the four main roles. I think all do a wonderful job and their lack of experience (James Taylor being the best example) actually worked in the movie's favor. The fourth actor, Warren Oates, gives another amazing performance.

Next, Hellman made a 102 minute movie that has about 15 minutes of dialogue. But you know what, it doesn't need any more. Taylor as The Driver and Dennis Wilson as The Mechanic don't need to talk. Their car does all the talking for them. And when they do talk (except for a rare, poignant moment near the end of the film when The Driver shows a hint of humanity), their conversations revolve around carburetors and such. Anyway, Oates' character, GTO, does enough talking for everyone.

Hellman also made a movie with so little action (other than a few race scenes) that some people look at it and see nothing. I don't know how many comments I've read that call Two-Lane Blacktop "boring" or "dull". I see a lot going on in the movie but I think it's either too subtle for some people or they don't have the patience to just go along with it. The movie can most likely be interpreted a number of ways, but to me Two-Lane Blacktop is the story of four people on a journey. For The Driver and The Mechanic, they may have found what they're looking for in their car. The thrill of the next race and the challenge of the next tune-up are all that matters to them. As for GTO, he's looking for his life. He spins wild tales hoping one will stick. And The Girl is looking for someone to take care of her. The Driver, The Mechanic, and GTO are nice enough, but all are so into their own reality that they are incapable of giving The Girl what she needs.

Finally, I've read all the charges that Two-Lane Blacktop has no ending. I'll argue that it ends the only way it could. Just because the movie's over, it doesn't mean that any of the four characters have finished their quests. They started the movie looking for something and they end it the same way.

I'll stop there. I just hope my ramblings aren't quite as incoherent as they seem. In the end, I can easily see why this movie's not for everyone, but for me, Two-Lane Blacktop works – and works well. It's an amazing experience that I'm glad I finally had . For what it's worth, I'll give it a 8/10. That rating will most likely go up after a repeat viewing now that I know what to expect.

8/10

Erik the Conqueror (1961)

- Gli invasori

Bava and the Vikings, 1 April 2008

Two very young Viking brothers are separated during a battle that claims the life of their father. One brother, Eron, is brought up to one day take his father's place as the leader of the Viking people. The other brother, Erik, is brought up by his adopted mother Queen Alice to one day rule England. But when Eron and the Vikings invade England and take Queen Alice hostage, these two brothers will lead their armies into battle against one another. What will happen when these two brothers discover their common bond?

Erik the Conqueror was one of the few films directed by Mario Bava that I had not seen until last night. Overall, it's a very entertaining, if not overly original, Viking epic. If you've seen the 1958 movie The Vikings with Kirk Douglas, a lot of the plot in Erik the Conqueror will seem similar. Still, with Bava's directorial touches, his eye for color, and his interesting camera movements, there's enough here to keep things feeling fresh and to overcome a limited budget (if you look close enough, you'll see the same extra die at least five times in the opening fight scene). The opening shot alone featuring skulls, two lovers wrapped in barbwire, and dancing girls is as visually pleasing as any of Bava's other movies. The cast is solid. Cameron Mitchell (always a favorite of mine) and his blond crew cut fit the role of the Viking Eron quite nicely. George Ardisson might even be more impressive in the role of Erik. They are joined by the Kessler twins who, while not the greatest thespians to appear on screen, are perfect in their roles. Add to it a slew of extras, some impressively staged fight scenes, and a nice looking castle set, and Erik the Conqueror is a must see for Bava fans like me.

6/10

I Deal in Danger (1966)

I've never thought much of Robert Goulet, but he's good as David March, 15 March 2008

I Deal in Danger is not really a movie, but a couple episodes of a television show called "Blue Light" that were edited together. The show told the story of an Allied secret agent named David March who has defected to the German side. March has, for the most part, been accepted by the Nazi high command. In reality, March is a double agent still working with the Allies in their fight against Hitler and Nazi Germany. Because of its multi-episode television origin, I Deal in Danger features two distinct plot lines. The first, and probably my favorite, finds a skeptical SS officer (Werner Peters) looking to test March's loyalty to the Third Reich. Another British agent who wants to switch sides and work for Germany gives the SS officer his opportunity. What the SS officer doesn't know is that the Englishman is also a double agent. The second plot thread sees March get reassigned to a secret underground German weapons facility. March must convenience a female scientist to help him destroy the facility.

Overall, I quite enjoyed I Deal in Danger. The film is well paced (any boring bits from the television show were most likely edited out) and reasonably entertaining throughout. There are a few surprises along the way such as the scientist who helps March being allowed to die in the explosion. It's not your standard happy ending. I've never thought much of Robert Goulet, but off the top of my head, this is probably one of the better things I've ever seen him in. Goulet is just rugged and cool enough to pull it off. And I really appreciate the fact that Goulet was allowed to play March completely straight without a hint of irony or comedy. The supporting cast is surprisingly strong with actors like Peters providing Goulet with an excellent nemesis. My biggest compliant is that Goulet's character is allowed to be something of a superman. There's one instance in the movie where March single handedly breaks into a Nazi prison to free a scientist. He seems to know exactly where the scientist is being held, he knows exactly where the guards are, and he knows exactly where to place his explosives. Such a mission would have been impossible. Finally, although there was obviously a decent budget involved, I Deal in Danger never overcomes its television roots. I'm not sure I know how to put this, but I Deal in Danger has a look and feel to it that just screams 60s American television.

Until I watched I Deal in Danger, I had never even heard of "Blue Light". It's not that odd considering I was only three years-old when it aired and there were only 17 episodes. Now, however, I would love to see someone bring the show to DVD. I know I'd buy it.

6/10

Flipper "300 Feet Below" #1.1 (1964)

Nice beginning to the series, 4 March 2008

I have a 5 year-old son who just loves anything to do with animals. The other day we were out shopping and ran across Season 1 of Flipper. I remembered watching it as a child and enjoying the show, so I thought I might take a chance on it and buy it for my son. And at less than $15, I really wasn't risking a whole lot. To my utter delight, my little boy just loves it.

So far, my son's favorite episode is "300 Feet Below". The plot involves a man who radios for help after being attacked by a shark. Badly needed plasma is delivered to the boat by helicopter, but it's accidentally dropped into the ocean. When Ranger Porter Ricks dives in to get the plasma, he runs into the same shark. Fortunately, Flipper is on hand to battle the shark and save the day. For me, I was surprised at how much real tension and suspense I got out of this episode. I was also surprised to see actual blood in a family television show from 1964. I didn't know you could do that back then. For my son, he talks almost every day about the Flipper vs. shark showdown and goes on to describe blow-by-blow how it all unfolded. He's hooked. And I'm thinking that's not a bad thing. With the state of television today, you could do a whole lot worse than Flipper.

7/10

Vanishing Point (1971)

"Hey Kowalski, you out there?", 17 February 2008

Kowalski is a driver. It's all he's known whether from his former life as stock car driver or a policeman. Driving is in his blood. His new job is delivering cars across the country. His assignment is to take a Dodge Challenger from Denver to San Francisco. And Kowalski intends to do it in record time. It's not long before Kowalski has the police from four states hot on his trail.

There's really not a lot you can write about Vanishing Point without first discussing the film's finale. And, it's almost impossible to discuss the ending of Vanishing Point without giving it away. I'll try not to give too much away, but it will be difficult. Vanishing Point is as nihilistic a movie as I've seen. Why did Kowalski do what he did? And why does Kowalski even have to get to San Francisco in such a hurry? The way I see it, the two are related in Kowalski's desire for freedom. He does what he does at the end of the movie to express the ultimate freedom. Also, in Kowalski world view, driving represents freedom. He is driving from Denver to San Francisco because that's what he does – he drives. It may not be the way you or I see the world, but it's Kowalski's way.

Beyond the ending, Vanishing Point is a fascinating movie. If you don't think you would find scene after scene of a 1970 Alpine White Dodge Challenger going down the highway exciting, Vanishing Point might not be a good choice for you. I'll admit, however, that once he reached the vast, limitless desert, I began to worry that I might also lose interest. But it's these seemingly endless scenes interrupted by Kowalski's flashbacks or a chance meeting with a stranger that make the ending so powerful. There's no predicting what's about to come. It's an awesome experience!

8/10

Crossroads (2002)

Painful, 17 February 2008

I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I just finished watching Crossroads. Now, before anyone calls the men in the white suits to come pick me up, I should add that I would have never watched it without the rifftrax commentary. The commentary turned what would have been an experience akin to visiting one of the seven layers of Hell into one of the funniest things I've ever sat through. Hysterical!

The plot, not that it matters, involves recent high school graduate named Lucy (Britney Spears). Together with two other friends, they travel across country, each with a different goal for their trip. Along the way they discover the true meaning of friendship. (Did I just write that? What a load of crap!)

I'm not sure who told Britney Spears she could act, but they should be drummed out of the entertainment industry post-haste. In a word, she's abysmal. Her co-stars don't fair much better, but with a script like this, anyone would look foolish. This thing is just wretched from the word "Go". Crossroads is one painful experience.

1/10

SST: Death Flight (1977) (TV)

Cookie-cutter 70s disaster film-making, 8 February 2008

Here's a an idea – let's round-up a bunch of Hollywood has-beens, second rate TV actors, and a bunch of no-names and put them all on board a cross Atlantic flight. And let's add a crazed mechanic with a grudge. Oh, and how about adding a deadly virus that fills the plane? You've got the recipe for a 1970s TV movie-of-the-week!

How many of these doomed airplane movies did they make? If you believed what you saw at the movies and on television, planes were dropping out of the skies like flies in the 70s. These kinds of movies were all the rage and SST: Death Flight was meant to grab onto the disaster-cycle coattails. I'll give the movie credit, though – it's actually not much worse than most of the rest of its ilk. The acting is what you would expect from the likes of Lorne Greene, Tina Louise, and Bert Convy. The manufactured tension comes across 30 years later as more humorous than anything else. The characters are cardboard cutouts with overly dramatized problems that can miraculously be solved in an hour or so. The one thing SST: Death Flight has going for it is a slightly unusual twist at the end where the characters the choice of life or death. Other than that, it's cookie-cutter 70s disaster film-making at it's best (or worst, depending on how you look at this stuff.)

4/10

Hamlet (1961) (TV)

Dreary, 1 December 2007

There's really not much need to begin this little review with a plot synopsis. I mean it's Shakespeare's Hamlet for goodness sake – probably one of the best known plays ever written. I'm not embarrassed to admit that I came to this version of Hamlet the way most people on IMDb have – through Mystery Science Theater 3000. While the show may not be the best venue to use to judge a movie, in this case I cannot imagine attempting to watch it without the comedic quips. In a word, this German, made-for-TV version of Hamlet is dreary. 152 minutes? No way! It's too dark and depressing to be anything I want to spend almost three hours on. I've said it any number of times, but entertainment is the thing for me. And this wrist-slitter is far from entertaining. I will, however, give it a couple of points for what I felt was some reasonably good acting. A 3/10 sounds about right to me.

As much as I enjoy MST3K, their comments don't help to make Hamlet any more palatable. There are a few good riffs here and there, but overall, Hamlet is just the wrong movie for MST3K. Shakespeare is far too talky to allow the comedy to have any sort of rhythm or flow. As much as it pains me, I've got to give Hamlet a 1/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

3/10

Racket Girls (1951)

Setting new standards in movie badness, 14 November 2007

I just finished watching Racket Girls and it's got me thinking about some of the ratings I've given other movies. Do those movies really deserve a 1/10 when compared with the hella bad Racket Girls? Is Hillbillys in a Haunted House as bad as Racket Girls? In comparison, Hillbillys was almost fun – stupid fun, but fun nonetheless. What about Zombie Lake? Zombie Lake comes close to falling into that "so bad, it's good" category – something Racket Girls could never hope to achieve. Sinbad of the Seven Seas? Lou Ferrigno can be good for an unintentional laugh or two – something I can't say about anything in Racket Girls. How about a movie like Red Zone Cuba? Well, you got me there – but Racket Girls is just as bad. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Racket Girls has to be one of the very worst movies I've ever had the misfortune to see. Many of the other movies I've given low ratings to come out smelling like roses in comparison. The plot, such as it is, involves a shady wrestling promoter who is also into gambling, prostitution, and drugs. Nice fella, huh? He's got the local mob after him for $35,000 so he tries to have his girls throw a few matches to raise the cash he needs. They won't go for it so he tries to make a run for it. It's tacky, dull, and lacks anything in any way resembling entertainment. Movies truly don't get much worse than this.

There's really only one way to watch a movie like Racket Girls. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary turns this piece of trash into a goldmine of laughs. It's a very solid effort on the part of the MST3K crew. I give it a 4/5 on my MST3K rating scale.

1/10

The Teacher (1974)

Not like any teacher I ever had, 4 September 2007

I can't believe how much fun I had watching The Teacher. They don't make 'em like this anymore. Having recently graduated from high school, 18 year-old Sean (Jay North) has one last summer at home before he heads to college. He discovers quite the novel way to spend his time – he begins having an affair with his 28 year-old blond knock-out of a teacher, Diane Marshall (Angel Tompkins). Things would be great for the couple if it weren't for a crazed Vietnam veteran named Ralph (Anthony James) who not only has the hots for Diane, but also blames Sean for his brother's death. Sean's had enough and decides to confront Ralph – whatever the consequences.

The Teacher is 1970s sleazy, grimy, soft-core film-making at its best. Writer/director Howard Avedis handles the plot with the casual style you would expect in the free-love 70s when 18 year-olds were treated like adults. The acting is surprisingly strong. Jay North and Angel Tompkins give much better performances than I would have expected. Tompkins is a real revelation to me and I look forward to discovering more of her work. Veteran character actor Anthony James literally steals every scene in which he appears. Avedis mixes in just enough sex, sleaze, and thrills to keep the whole thing interesting throughout. Finally, I've read complaints on the internet about the films ending. Well, I loved it. It really caught me off guard. Sure, it's as melodramatic and, ultimately, cheesy as they come - but that's what works for me. I wouldn't want The Teacher to have ended any other way.

7/10