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Le vicomte règle ses comptes
Pretty standard Eurospy stuff, 18 November 2017
Kerwin Mathews is Clint de la Roche, le Vicomte (what a name - I'll just refer to him as Clint from now on). Clint is an insurance investigator out to find the loot from a recent robbery. His investigation leads him to Paris where he finds himself caught between two rival gangs. He also finds himself entangled with a Parisian stripper who may or may not have information he needs. You know, your standard Eurospy plot.
The Viscount isn't the best Eurospy I've seen, but it's not a complete waste of time. Mathews is quite good and has a real screen presence. Other cast members that stood out to me include: Sylvia Sorrente (the stripper), Fernando Rey (gangleader) , and Jean Yanne (Cilnt's "assistant"). The film features plenty of reasonably entertaining fight scenes, chases, and gunplay - again, pretty standard Eurospy stuff. The robbery at the beginning of the film is especially nice. It's well planned and expertly carried out. It's a real highlight of the film. I was going to write about some confusing elements of the plot, but, instead, I've decided to blame the issues I have with the plot on my lack of foreign language skills. (The copy I watched had some scenes that were not dubbed - and the subtitles made things even worse.) The film's ending was something of a letdown. The final scenes are, unfortunately, set at night and it's about impossible to tell what's going on. Overall, a fairly average film that I can honestly rate no higher than a 5/10.
Oh, one last thing - I forgot to mention the incredibly entertaining 60s vibe found in The Viscount. The music, locations, costumes - it really pulls you into the time period. Very nice.
5/10
"If we don't take this medicine now, we'll all die. Slowly... but we'll die. Thank you.", 17 November 2017
During WWII, a brave, patriotic young man undergoes a series of painful experiments that turn him into a super-human. He takes the persona of red, white, and blue wearing Captain America and heads to Nazi Germany to do battle with a character known as Red Skull. Red Skull is a similarly enhanced man. Captain America loses the battle and ends up frozen in ice in the wilds of Alaska. Fifty or so year later, Caps body is found. After he's un-thawed and regains his senses, he discovers that his old foe, Red Skull, has taken a secret identity, but is still up to his old tricks. His latest plot involves kidnapping the President of the United States so he can implant a controlling device in his head. Cap will once again try to stop Red Skull.
While not a total disaster, the 1990 version of Captain America isn't what I'd call a "good" movie. My main problem is with the script. It's what I'd call lazy. There is no logic behind much of what happens on-screen. I'm going to limit this to two or three examples of what I'm talking about. Otherwise, this could go on forever. First, Cap is thawed in Alaska. As he's walking through Canada, a reporter from Washington, driving a pick-up truck, just happens to be in the right place at the right time and almost literally runs in to Cap. Yeah, sure. To stretch believablity even further, a gang of baddies from Italy, who are also searching for Captain America, miraculously discover his whereabouts at almost the exact same moment. What are the odds that these people would find a lone man on foot in the wilds of Canada at the same time? It's just stupid.
The second example of poor, lazy writing and a lack of logic involves the "crew" Red Skull sends to take out Captain America. You'd think that a real bad dude like Red Skull would have an army of henchmen at his disposal. But for some bizarre reason, he doesn't. Instead, he sends his 20-something daughter, her model friends, and their boyfriends to deal with his mortal enemy. I can't think of a less threatening looking group of supposed killers.
For my third example, I'll mention the aftermath of the Preident's kidnapping. Captain America and his little girlfriend are looking for the President, but they appear to be alone. Where in the world is the Secret Service? Where are the Italian police? Where is the military? If the Preident of the USA were to actually be kidnapped, almost everything in the entire world would come to a complete halt. Instead, things in Italy, where the President was kidnapped, seem to be going on as if nothing happened. Not very likely and, again, stupid.
Add these problems I have with this dog of script to some pretty bad acting, poor special effects, a mind-numbingly ineffectual Captain America, and lame fight choreography and you've got a bad movie on your hands. While I did enjoy bits and pieces of the film, the whole is so bad I cannot give Captian America a positive rating.
4/10
"I will tell the future in your entrails, Red Woman!", 16 November 2017
The plot of this movie is almost identical to the plot in any number of other sword and sorcerer movies that came out in the 80s. Other than the fact that the title character, Red Sonja (Brigitte Nielsen), is a woman, there's not much else in the way of originality. Red Sonja's sister is killed by an evil queen (Sandahi Bergman) intent on getting her hands on a powerful orb. Red Sonja vows revenge and goes after the queen. Along the way, she gathers a ragtag band to assist her, including Cona . . . er, I mean Kalidor (Arnold Schwarzenegger). They'll have lots of adventures and battles along the way – leading to a final showdown between Sonja and the queen.
Despite what a lot of people around the internet would lead you to believe, Red Sonja isn't horrible – well, not horrible when you compare it with a lot of the other Conan wannabes that came out in the early 80s. In fact, parts of the films are a lot of fun. There are some pretty decent fight scenes (the best being the sparring matches between Nielsen and Schwarzenegger), at least one interesting creature, and a couple of cool looking sets. I really enjoyed seeing Sandahi Bergman in the role of the queen. Here, she seems to be having a blast. Her final showdown with Nielsen is actually quite good and really gives the film a nice ending.
Of all the problems you could list when discussing Red Sonja, the most obvious is the poor acting. My understanding is that prior to taking the role of Red Sonja, Brigitte Nielsen was a magazine model with no acting experience. This was her first role. Schwarzenegger has never been known as a thespian. He's fun to watch, but he's always been limited. Finally, Ernie Reyes Jr wasn't really an actor either. Here, he's just annoying. It says a lot about the quality of the cast when I can say in all honesty that Sandahi Bergman is the best actor in the film.
Finally, one thing about Red Sonja I find hysterical is her repeated insistence that she needs no help - especially from a man. Yet at every tun, Cona . . . I mean Kalidor is there to save her butt. She'd have been dead half way through the film if it weren't for him.
5/10
"What do you mean we're inept?", 15 November 2017
Fuzz follows the trials and tribulations faced by the officers of the 87th Precinct in Boston as they go about trying to put the bad guys away. While they're working a number of cases throughout Fuzz, the film focuses on their attempts to locate and stop a mysterious killer known to them as The Deaf Man. He's already killed two local government officials and now has his eyes set on the mayor.
I've been aware of the movie Fuzz for years, but only watched it for the first time last night. My preconceived notions were that the film was a gritty Burt Reynolds / Raquel Welch police drama involving a crazed killer. In reality, only part of that is true and that leads to some of the film's greatest weaknesses. To begin with, while Reynolds and Welch might be the names in the cast, this is actually an ensemble piece. Their participation and importance is no greater than their co- stars. In fact, I'd say that Jack Weston and Tom Skerritt feature more prominently than either of the "stars". And, once the case Welch is working is solved, she disappears from the movie for the final 30 or so minutes altogether. All are capable and talented actors, but if you're going into Fuzz for a heaping helping for old Burt or Raquel, you'll be sadly disappointed.
As for gritty, sure, parts are. Subplots involving rape and setting winos on fire isn't pleasant. And the film has that New York, dirty, gritty look to it that you only find in films from the 70s – it really can't be replicated. But this isn't something like Across 110th Street. Fuzz attempts to throw comedy into the mix – and does it very poorly. For example, the police stake-out a local park in an attempt to catch the killer. Burt goes in undercover – but he's dressed as a nun. How (not) funny – Burt Reynolds dressed as a nun, complete with that push-broom mustache. The end result is a very uneven film.
Finally, while the police are out to catch The Deaf Man, that's only one plot thread in the film. At the beginning of the movie, the police are so concerned with the painters in the precinct, they can't even be bothered with The Deaf Man's calls to the station threatening a commissioner's life. He actually has to call back about three times before they take him seriously. Even then, the killer still isn't the main focus with the mad rapist and the crazed kids out burning bums taking up valuable screen-time. I'm pretty sure the film is at least at the hour point before we even seen The Deaf Man. And his ultimate capture is a real letdown. The cops sort of accidentally stumble their way into finding him. And just as quickly, the movie ends.
Despite all the problems I had with Fuzz, I can't really give it an overall bad rating because I still had a surprisingly good time watching it. As I've already indicated, it's got a nice 70s vibe to it, there are some quality actors in the film, and there are occasions where, despite the flaws, the plot works (the death of the Parks Commissioner being a prime example). Overall, a 5/10 from me.
5/10
It's got a world of problems, 13 November 2017
A powerful businessman starts a crusade aimed at shutting down the local video arcade. He's concerned about the effects the arcade is having on his daughter. The arcade's Manager, a nerdy employee, and a slovenly obese gamer will do battle to save their arcade.
I remember seeing Joysticks in the 80s and "enjoying" it. I use quotes because I'm not sure I ever found it all that great, just a decent enough time killer. Re-watching last night, the movie doesn't hold up for me. I know that based on a lot of the schlock I watch, you might think a movie like Joysticks would be right up my alley. Unfortunately, it's got a world of problems that keep me from finding much in the way of entertainment. Chief among my issues with the movie is it's actually pretty boring. For a sub-90 minute film, this thing seems to go on and on. The drawn out video game contests, the community hearing scenes, and all the lame attempts at humor that completely miss their mark really put a drag on things. And I found the scene where the nerd and the fat guy end up in the lady's bedroom troubling and disturbing to watch. There's nothing funny at all about the idea of raping a semi-conscious woman. You might have been able to get by with this kind of thing in the more innocent 80s, but by today's standards, it doesn't fly.
I generally enjoy Joe Don Baker, but not so much here. It's too obvious he's only in it of the paycheck. Instead, the lone highlight of the film for me is Jim Greenleaf as Dorfus. His fat dude shtick is occasionally laugh-out-loud funny.
3/10
Parts of it are minimally entertaining - not much of an endorsement, 12 November 2017
A meteor forces a small plane to make a crash landing. For the six passenger, their problems are just beginning. The survivors have landed in the middle of a giant spider invasion. Hold-up in an old, abandoned house, they'll have to use all their resources if they are to make it out alive.
No beating around the bush here - Arachnia is bad. Everything about the movie scrapes the proverbial bottom of the barrel. The special effects are totally lame. The spider in Earth vs the Spider, made 45 years earlier, is more convincing. The acting is even worse. Most of these people have absolutely no business being in a film. Bevin McGraw as Trina is the worst. I'm not sure when I've seen a poorer performance. I've seen lines of dialogue in a 3rd grade play delivered more believably. Speaking of dialogue, these people say some of the most nonsensical things. They all sound like idiots. This is a complete mess of a movie.
However, there are some things to enjoy. Granted, most of it is in that "so bad it's good" sort of way, but I found myself enjoying bits of the movie despite all the problems. The enjoyment was minimal, but I can see how a group of friends with enough alcohol might find some entertainment.
3/10
I still don't understand the purpose of these things, 12 November 2017
In the third Norman short I've watched, Norman faces adversity in a public restroom. If it can go wrong, it does for Norman. From lacking the change needed for the pay toilet to no toilet paper to getting locked in the stall, Norman is the definition of Murphy's Law.
I usually rate shorts with a two pronged rating system - was the short entertaining and was the short successful. Entertaining - I suppose if you enjoy watching a man's life turn into a car wreck, then yes, it's fairly entertaining. My favorite bit had to be when Norman reaches under the stall wall in a failed attempt to find toilet paper. The result is cringey to the max. I'd give it 3/5 for entertainment. Successful - I really don't know. I've seen three Norman shorts and I still don't know their purpose. They're presented as educational shorts, but what are they trying to teach? If the purpose of Krasner, Norman: Beloved Husband of Irma is to enlightened the viewer on the possible mishaps that can occur in a public restroom, then I suppose it works. So, not being 100% sure of what I was supposed to get out of the film, I'll give it 1/5. Adding everything up, I'm left with a rating of 4/10 - which seems about right to me.
4/10
