The Deadly and the Beautiful (1973)

- Wonder Women
"Lady, aren't you a little tired of playing God?", 6 September 2009

Dr. Tsu (Nancy Kwan) has set up a secret research facility on an island where she has mastered various transplant techniques. She boasts she can transplant any part of the body – yes, that's right, ANY part. For a hefty sum of money, she offers the wealthy a chance for immortality by placing their brains into the body of a young, virile athlete. Her island fortress is guarded by an army of beautiful, but deadly women who also work to procure the doctor her healthy subjects. Her latest acquisition, a local jai-alai player, unwittingly draws the interest of an insurance investigator from Lloyd's of London who had a policy on the young man. In turn, he hires former CIA agent Mike Harber (Ross Hagen) to investigate. Before you can say "Ross Hagen produced this thing so you know he's going to come out looking good in the end", Harber is taken prisoner by Dr. Tsu and given the long, overly drawn out explanation of her work and her plans. In the end, Harber's powers of seduction have been enough to turn one of the women against Dr. Tsu and he escapes with the jai-alai player. The end.

What a wild piece of 70s trash! While not good in any traditional sense, that's never stopped me from enjoying a movie. There are, however, three things you ought to know before watching The Deadly and the Beautiful (or Wonder Women as it's sometimes known): it's a cheaply made Filipino film, it's got a gaggle of scantily clad beauties, and it was produced by and stars Ross Hagen. The cheap/Filipino thing doesn't really bother me. It's probably part of what makes the movie so unique. And you've just got to love the 70s porn-inspired soundtrack. Too funny. The gaggle of scantily clad beauties – I'm not going to complain about that either. Though I must admit I did laugh out loud watching the army of women with every weapon imaginable set out into the jungle wearing what amounted to the most inappropriately imaginable short chiffon mini-nightgowns. I don't think nighties are standard issue for any other army in the world. And their style of hand-to-hand combat must be seen to be believed. I've heard of all sorts of styles or martial arts fighting, but nothing quite describes the gyrations performed by Roberta Collins. Finally, I'm left with Ross Hagen. The man just has a way of turning my stomach. He reminds me a bit of a B-movie version of Chad Everett with none of the acting ability. He spends the entire movie either looking half-asleep and disinterested or ogling the women he's supposed to be fighting. There is one brief scene with Hagen that's an absolute scream. He's following the Dr. Tsu down a staircase in what can only be described as full-on flounce mode. You know, ridiculous expression on his face, arms bent at the elbow and wrist, and legs doing sort of a trot – looks a bit like he's auditioning for a part in the Village People. Too funny. And then there's the scene where Ross gets to do something called "brain sex" with Nancy Kwan. Just about lost my lunch watching Ross' faux-orgasmic squirm on that vinyl seat. Yuck!

Oh yes, as for the movie – it is what it is – a cheap piece of 70s exploitation junk that's worth a watch if you're into that sort of thing. For me, I had a great time with it. It was also cool to see Sid Haig in a different sort of role (I just realized that I have no idea what happened to his character). For all the wrong reasons, I'll give The Deadly and the Beautiful a 7/10.

7/10

Murderers' Row (1966)

"Come along, Julian. Maybe we can find somebody for you to run over on the way home.", 5 September 2009

Dean Martin's back for a second spin as Matt Helm in Murderers' Row. In this one, Helm sets out to track down a missing scientist being held captive by the evil (and hysterical) Julian Wall (Karl Malden) – a man bent on world domination. His plan is to use the scientist's ray (I can't remember what kind of ray, but does it really matter?) to destroy Washington D.C. Helping Helm is the scientist's swinging daughter, Suzie (Ann-Margaret).

Almost everything I wrote in my comment for The Silencers applies to Murderers' Row. The bit about the plot not mattering – even more so in this case. The notion of Dean Martin playing Dean Martin – again, nothing could be truer. Dino surrounded by beautiful women - Ann-Margaret is a knock-out in Murderers' Row. The booze, the jokes, the gadgets, etc. – it's all here. The best part is that once again it's all handled in a breezy, easy manner that makes watching Murderers' Row a lot of fun. I don't know that I enjoyed it quite as much as The Silencers, but I did find it entertaining. The best bits include: watching Dino try to keep up with the over-the-top dancing of Ann-Margaret, Karl Malden (his performance as the villain is the one thing about Murderers' Row that is actually better than The Silencers), Ann-Margaret's groovy wardrobe, and Helm's freeze and delayed firing guns. What un-PC fun! My advice – if you plan to sit down and check out Murderers' Row (or any of the Matt Helm films for that matter), remember to take things about as seriously as the people who made the movie did (and that's not at all) and you just might enjoy it.

6/10

The Silencers (1966)

"The soap, please, Miss Kravezit.", 4 September 2009

If you're looking for a film that takes a serious look at espionage, look someplace else. But if you're looking for light, breezy, non-PC entertainment with just enough spy stuff to keep things interesting and the thought of Dean Martin the playboy doesn't turn your stomach, The Silencers might be the movie for you. With a lot of movies I write about, I start out by saying that the plot doesn't matter. Well, with The Silencers, it really doesn't matter. But for those keeping score at home, Matt Helm, an agent for I.C.E. (the good guys), is sent out to put a stop to Big O's (the bad guys) plan to start WWIII. Big O's plan is to sabotage a rocket, send it hurdling into a nuclear test site, and make it look like the Russians did it. Why? I'm not sure anymore because, like I said, the plot doesn't matter. Instead, you watch a Matt Helm film to see how much booze Dino will drink, how many bad guys he'll shoot, and how many beautiful women he'll seduce (and the answer to all these questions in The Silencers is a bunch). On another website I read where someone described Dino's Matt Helm as the original Austin Powers – and that's a pretty fair assessment. But in Helm's case, the pervy secret agent shtick actually works for him.

Anyway, if you're a fan of Dean Martin's 1960s public persona, you'll most likely enjoy The Silencers. He sleepwalks through most of the movie, but then again, he did the same pretty much through the whole decade. Joining Martin are a trio of beauties – Stella Stevens, Daliah Lavi, and Cyd Charisse (whose screen-time is way too limited). I can't really pick one who stands out as they're all a lot of fun and bring their own unique talents to the movie. Victor Buono, complete with yellow-face (I told you the movie was terribly un-PC), is on hand to play the leader of Big O. It's this cast that makes The Silencers so entertaining and worth watching. Add to the cast some off-the-wall gadgets, cool (but cheap) sets, and a few nice fight scenes, and you've got a James Bond spoof worth checking out. A couple of scenes that I always get a kick out of include: watching Martin and Stevens polish off a bottle of liquor while driving (again, very un-PC), Stevens with the rear-firing gun, and Matt Helms morning routine including coffee and bubble bath with secretary Lovey Kravezit. I have no problem rating The Silencers a 7/10.

7/10

The Pumaman (1980)

- L'uomo puma
"You cannot escape me!", 3 September 2009

As I've said before, you've just got to love those wacky Italians and some of their wacky cinematic "achievements". The Puma Man (or The Pumaman as the title card indicates) tells the story of Professor Tony Farms (Walter George Alton) who reluctantly accepts his superhero birthright. A direct descendant of extraterrestrials, he is given the power of the puma (Until I watched this movie, I had no idea that pumas could fly? Who knew?) so that he might defend the secrets of the Aztecs. One of those secrets, a golden mask that grants its possessor the power of mind control, has been stolen by the evil Kobras (Donald Pleasance). With his Aztec guide Vadinho (Miguel Angel Fuentes), The Puma Man must put a stop to Kobras' plans of world domination.

It might be screwy, but I can't help but enjoy parts of The Puma Man. The movie comes across like a twisted, no-budget mix of Superman and the U.S. television series "The Greatest American Hero". From the superhero costume that includes brown slacks straight off the rack at Sears to the poorly done rear projection special effects to the repetitive (but admittedly catchy) Casio keyboard soundtrack to the Christmas ornament-like space ship, it's obvious that the budget on The Puma Man was less that what I spent on dinner last night. But the odd thing is, regardless of how cheap looking most of the movie is, it's got a charm to it that money can't buy. And while that doesn't necessarily make The Puma Man a great movie or anything, on occasion the movie overcomes its many faults (or it might be because of these faults) and is often quite fun. The acting isn't much to write home about. Pleasance proves he could be a scene-chewer without equal. His insistence on pronouncing "puma" as "pyuma" is hysterical. Our would-be hero, Alton, is generally ineffectual. The female lead, played by Sydne Rome, while reasonably attractive, doesn't display much in the way of acting skills either. Still, given the material they're given to work with, the entire cast is serviceable. But probably the best thing I can say about The Puma Man is that it's not dull. In fact, it's well paced and generally entertaining throughout its runtime. And as I've argued so many times, entertainment is the single most important thing to me when watching movies.

Compared with most everyone else on IMDb, my rating for The Puma Man sticks out like a sore thumb. Maybe I enjoy it for all the wrong reasons, but whatever it is, I do enjoy it.

5/10

A View to a Kill (1985)

"Hello. My name is James St. John Smythe. I'm English.", 2 September 2009

As a rule, I love James Bond movies. I was born the year after Dr. No was released, so I've kind of grown up with the series. As a kid in the 70s, some of my fondest movie related memories are of those Sunday nights that ABC would air a Bond movie. I couldn't wait to see the car chases, the gadgets, the fight scenes, and the over-the-top villains. It was a great time. That's why it pains me to rate A View to a Kill as low as I do. While there are a few James Bond movies that I have problems with, this is really the only one in the entire series that I would call a bad movie. In fact, I can't think of a single positive thing to write. Watching A View to a Kill last night was akin to nails on a chalk board. Everything about the movie scrapes the proverbial bottom of the James Bond barrel:

• Roger Moore – I'm not a Roger Moore hater, but by the time he made A View to a Kill, he was way too old to pull it off. He looks absolutely ridiculous romancing the young hotties. And that dye job – it's the worst.

• The Bond Girls – Some Bond girls are better than others, but there are none as bad as the two in A View to a Kill. Grace Jones – she's got to be the most unattractive female to ever appear in a Bond movie. Who in the world ever thought she was sexy? If I saw anymore of her backside, I think I might have ripped my eyes out. Tanya Roberts – she probably the worst actress to ever appear in a Bond movie. Imagining her as a geologist is about as silly as picturing Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist (oh wait, she did play a nuclear scientist in a Bond movie). And if Tanya had whined the world "James" one more time, I think I might have ripped my ears off.

• Christopher Walken – Don't misunderstand, I like Christopher Walken. But could he have looked any more foolish than he does with blond hair? Why did they have to do that?

• The Plot – I've got two problems with the film's plot. First, the whole idea of flooding Silicon Valley is beyond stupid. I don't see how it would have accomplished much of anything. Wouldn't companies have just gone elsewhere to produce their computer chips? Second, can someone please explain to me what the steroid injected horses in the first half of the movie have to do with the flooding Silicon Valley plot of the second half of the movie? It's like the entire first hour of the movie was little more than padding.

I could go on and on (Duran Duran's crappy title song, the use of rear projection anytime Roger Moore is supposed to be doing anything physical, the all too obvious stunt doubles, the groan inducing quips, the fire truck chase, the film's title being forced into the dialogue, Q as a peeping tom, etc.), but I'll stop there. You get the idea – I don't like A View to a Kill. In fact, with each successive viewing, I like it less and less. I'm at the point now where I pretty much hate it and doubt I'll ever give it another chance. It's just bad.

3/10

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

"I owe you an unpleasant death, Mr. Bond.", 1 September 2009

It should be obvious from my rating that I'm not the biggest fan of Pierce Brosnan's second outing as James Bond. It's not that Tomorrow Never Dies is terrible, but compared with the best of Bond (even compared to the best of Brosnan's Bond films), it's just not that good. There's very little that I would call original in the script. It's strictly Bond by-the-numbers. The same tired formula is used with little in the way of a surprise thrown in. Beyond the lack of originality, I've got real problems with Jonathan Pryce as super-villain, Elliot Carver. A megalomaniac news-mogul intent on dominating every news outlet in the world just doesn't instill the same level of fear in me that most of Bond's other adversaries do. And haven't we already seen guys like this? Ted Turner – Rupert Murdoch – anyone? And really, what's the point in Carver's whole plan? First, he's obviously already one of the most powerful, wealthy men on the planet. I mean, he owns a news empire that stretches across the entire globe, save for China. Not too shabby. Second, if you've got the resources and wherewithal to build a stealth ship and no one, including the world's intelligence community, knows anything about it, how much more is there? Finally, what kind of name is Elliot for a man bent on world domination? Elliot is a guy who hands you your soft-serve at Dairy Queen – not some evil genius.

The highlight of Tomorrow Never Dies is easily Michelle Yeoh. I know, it's a predictable statement, but she really is awesome. From the motorcycle scene while handcuffed to Brosnan to her fight scene in the secret hideout, she totally rocks. If she could have just seen fit to give old Brosnan a good butt-kicking, I might have rated this movie a lot higher.

5/10

Live and Let Die (1973)

"Hey man, for twenty bucks I'd take you to a Ku Klux Klan cookout!", 31 August 2009

I've read all the reviews from Bond fans enumerating their many problems with Live and Let Die, but I'm sorry, I don't agree. To me, James Bond has always been about having fun. Yeah, like most people, I prefer the earlier films. But for pure unadulterated, sugar-coated fun, it's hard to beat something like Live and Let Die. These films were never meant to be brain surgery anyway. Some of the highlights for me include: the voodoo ceremonies and Baron Samedi (played by the wonderful Geoffrey Holder), the New Orleans funeral procession and band, Jane Seymour, one of the best boat chase scenes ever put on film, the funky 70's feel and the Blaxploitation meets James Bond vibe, Paul McCartney's title song, the Filet of Soul, a couple of really underrated henchmen in Tee Hee and Whisper, and a truly effective performance from the amazing Yaphet Kotto. Unlike a lot of other Bond fans, not only do I not rate Live and Let Die near the bottom of my list of favorites, I've got it near the top. It's an entertaining, action-filled, good time.

On to Roger Moore – while I prefer Connery, Moore is more than capable in the role of James Bond, especially in 1973 when he was still young enough to pull it off. He gets a lot of criticism (some from me) about the direction the character and the films took during his time in the role. But when I think about it logically, the groan-inducing quips and the lame attempts at comedy should be blamed on the producers, directors, writers, and editors – i.e. the people with the power. I've got no complaints with Moore in Live and Let Die.

Finally, if I have one negative to mention in regards to Live and Let Die, it's with Sheriff Pepper. He's a one note character whose shtick gets old real quick. The fact that the producers saw fit to bring him back in another James Bond film (instead of the original idea of brining back Baron Samedi) is jaw-dropping in its idiocy. Clifton James may have been fine performer, but Sheriff Pepper is a grating character that wears out his welcome within the first minute of appearing on screen.

8/10

Death Is Nimble, Death Is Quick (1966)

- Kommissar X - Drei gelbe Katzen
A real plot might have helped, 28 August 2009

Being new to the Eurospy scene, there are a couple of websites that I check out for news and reviews. I was shocked when I noticed that one of the sites I really like called Death Is Nimble, Death Is Quick the best of the three Kommissar X films in Retromedia's set. To me, the opposite is true. In my opinion, Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill and So Darling, So Deadly are both superior to Death Is Nimble, Death Is Quick. The problem – no discernible plot. I defy anyone to watch Death Is Nimble, Death Is Quick and tell me just what's going on. Maybe I missed something, but to me the movie is little more than a seemingly random series of set-pieces. Sure, some of the scenes are very enjoyable (the hotel rooftop chase and the final karate showdown being two wonderful examples) and Tony Kendall and Brad Harris' on-screen chemistry is strong, but without a coherent story, I lost interest in what was going on. I think my 5/10 rating is generous.

One reason I've rated Death Is Nimble, Death Is Quick higher than I probably should have is the scene set in what I'll call the Haunted Swamp. It's very well done. Creepy music, twisted trees, an abandoned/crumbling old house, and a "fire-breathing monster" (very reminiscent of Dr. No) make these scenes really stand out. Very atmospheric. I just wish there had been a story to go along with the wonderful images.

5/10

The Black Scorpion (1957)

"What's the tequila for?", 28 August 2009

The Black Scorpion is yet another example of the big bug movie craze of the 1950s. And as far as these movies go, it's not a half bad example. The plot centers on American geologist Hank Scott (Richard Denning) and his Mexican counterpart Artur Ramos (Carlos Rivas) who are investigating the aftermath of a volcanic eruption in Mexico. They soon discover that that the eruption opened a fissure in the earth's surface through which giant scorpions are emerging and terrorizing the countryside. Along the way, they'll meet Scott's love interest played by Mara Corday, an annoying pest of a boy named Juanito, a bevy of concerned Mexican officials, and dozens of venom-dripping gigantic scorpions. They'll also have to come up with a way to stop the creatures before they rampage through Mexico City.

The highlight of The Black Scorpion is without a doubt the stop motion scorpions. Willis O'Brien, of King Kong fame, gets most of the credit, but Pete Peterson did the lion's share of the work. Insects like scorpions are particularly well suited for stop motion animation. The jerky movements of the animation is well-suited to match the natural motion of the scorpions. The first attack on the linemen, the descent into the fissure, and the final showdown in the bull ring are all wonderful examples of the excellent job of animation done on The Black Scorpion. My biggest complaint with the scorpions is the all too frequent close-ups of their faces. They look terrible. The drooling, motionless faces don't fit with the otherwise excellent special effects. Seeing the close-ups once or twice might have been fine, but after about a dozen shots of scorpion puppet faces literally dripping with venom, it gets to be ridiculous.

As for the rest of the film, while nothing may be overly spectacular, it is immanently watchable. For a fan of 50s big bug sci-fi, The Black Scorpion is a lot of fun. It's also nice to see a movie from this period set in a place like Mexico. In most of these 50s sci-fi films, you would think that there's nothing beyond the borders of the U.S.A. The acting is okay. The three leads (Denning, Rivas, and Corday) give solid, but not necessarily memorable, performances. The direction is likewise solid but not overly spectacular. The film's pacing is nice with few dull spots to slow things down. I suppose director Edward Ludwig could have built a bit more tension before revealing his giant scorpions, but it's not like we didn't know they were coming anyway. Like I said to begin this, The Black Scorpion isn't a half bad way to spend almost 90 minutes. I'll give it a 6/10.

6/10

So Darling, So Deadly (1966)

- Kommissar X - In den Klauen des goldenen Drachen
Worth watching just to see Brad Harris dancing, 24 August 2009

Detective Jo Walker (Tony Kendall) and New York Police Captain Tom Rowland (Brad Harris) are sent to Singapore to protect Professor Akron and his latest invention – a laser filter than can be used to shut down electrical engines from miles away. As soon as Walker and Rowland hit Singapore, the baddies start coming out of the woodwork and the Professor ends up the prisoner of the mysterious Golden Dragon. Walker and Rowland's new mission – rescue the professor, protect his daughter, and safeguard the filter.

It's hard to watch and write about So Darling, So Deadly and not compare it with the first Kommissar X film, Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill. Unfortunately, the sequel is inferior to the original in almost every way. The gadgets aren't as plentiful, the underground lair isn't as cool, the women aren't as beautiful, the locations aren't as nice, and the plot makes even less sense. But then again, Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill is one of my new favorite Eurospy films – so it would have been very difficult for anything to measure up. And that's not to say So Darling, So Deadly is a bad movie. It's actually quite a bit of fun. Kendall and Harris probably work off each other better in this movie than in the first. They make a great team. Second, while I enjoyed the locations of Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill more, there's something to be said for exotic Singapore. It's not what you usually see in a low-budget Eurospy film. Third, some of Brad Harris' scenes are so bizarre I couldn't help but have fun with them. For example, if you're on a mission to protect a scientist and, ultimately, save the world, why would Rowland go water-skiing the minute he hits Singapore? Just weird. And what about Rowland's dancing – it's laugh-out-loud funny. You have to love the guy! Another plus is the film's pacing. There really are very few dull moments. It's pretty much non-stop from the word "go". Finally, Nikola Popovic's return in So Darling, So Deadly. He was the chief bad guy, O'Brien, in the first film and I really enjoyed his work. Here, it's odd to see him in terribly un-PC yellow face, but he's fun nonetheless. So while it may not measure up to the first Kommissar X film, So Darling, So Deadly is a reasonably entertaining movie in its own right.

6/10

Race to Witch Mountain (2009)

"Don't go in the pimped out fridge Jack...", 23 August 2009

We hadn't had a family movie night at our house in several months. So when the idea came up, I naturally let my 6 year-old pick the movie (I, on the other hand, picked the pizza.) His pick – Race to Witch Mountain. I'll be honest, neither my wife nor I were terribly excited about his selection. As we popped it into the player, we both settled in fearing for the worst. Instead, the whole family had a great time with the film. It's not a masterpiece, but I don't think that's what the filmmakers were going for. Instead, Race to Witch Mountain fun-filled ride full of special effects and loud explosions thrown at the viewer at break-neck speeds. There are really very few opportunities to catch your breath, which is probably a good thing. If you spent too long analyzing just what's going on on-screen, it probably wouldn't have been as enjoyable. The plot involves Jack Bruno, a cab driver trying to make a break from a shady past, who discovers two kids in the back of his cab. As he soon learns, these aren't ordinary kids. These kids are aliens (the outer space kind) and they're on a mission to save not only their planet, but Earth as well. Howver, it seems that everyone is after Jack and the kids. Secret government agents, Jack's former crime boss, and an unstoppable alien assassin are all out to make sure the kids don't find their ship. Sure, it lacks some of what made the 1975 original (which I don't think I've seen since 1975) so memorable, but it makes up for it with some terrific CGI effects, humor, and outrageous action sequences. The acting was okay. No one looked terrible. Dwayne Johnson, whose wrestling persona The Rock seems to be a distant memory these days, isn't too bad. He's definitely got a screen presence to him. The rest of the cast is fine. My son especially enjoyed Carla Gugino who he immediately recognized from the Spy Kids series. There are a few really cool cameos from the likes of Cheech Marin. But the absolute coolest for an old guy like me was seeing Kim Richards and Ike Eisenmann, the kids from the original Escape to Witch Mountain, with bit parts in this re-imaging. So overall, we enjoyed Race to Witch Mountain. Go into it with an open mind (and a good pizza) and you're family just might find a wonderful night's entertainment like we did.

7/10

The Fiction Makers (1968) (TV)

Good writing and some nice acting, 22 August 2009

To be fair to The Fiction Makers, it's important to remember that it's really a two-part episode of The Saint that was cobbled together and released as a movie. I'm not an expert on The Saint, but this might be the best I've seen. The plot involves a crazed criminal, known only as Warlock (Kenneth J. Warren), who has taken the ideas from a series of spy novels and used them as an instruction manual for his entire criminal organization. Warlock kidnaps Simon Templar (Roger Moore), believing him to be the author known as Amos Klein, and Joyce Darling (Sylvia Syms), the real novelist. Warlock wants Klein to "write" a plan to rob a heavily guarded bank vault.

The Fiction Makers comes across as something of a mix of James Bond and a heist movie – both very popular in the 60s. It's not great example of either, but it is entertaining. Roger Moore is good, but is generally upstaged by both Warren and Syms. Warren's crazed Warlock is a treat – threatening and funny all at the same time. He appears to be having a blast with the role. Syms can best be described as a delight. I really must track down more of her work. While it's obvious that The Fiction Makers is a television production with the staged-bound look and television style lighting and editing, veteran director Roy Ward Baker brings a wealth of experience to the film. He keeps things moving and interesting. The witty writing is also a winner. Warlock, his gang known as S.W.O.R.D., and the almost religious-like adherence to the books Warlock bases his organization on might be a bit silly, but it is fun. Other than the exceptionally cheap looking bank sets (especially those really lame looking red lasers) that demonstrate the true nature of the budget Baker was working with, I've got few complaints. A 7/10 from me.

7/10

The Great Diamond Robbery (1967)

- Colpo maestro al servizio di Sua Maestà britannica
This movie defines "undiscovered gem", 20 August 2009

I watched The Great Diamond Robbery last night and don't think I could have enjoyed it much more than I did. What a wonderfully entertaining, relatively unknown gem of a movie! I call it unknown because I can't find much at all on the internet on the film. In fact, even though my copy (and apparently several others who have seen the film) goes by the name The Great Diamond Robbery, you won't find that name listed on IMDb. Instead, you'll find it listed under either the name Colpo maestro al servizio di Sua Maestà Britannica or Master Stroke (to those of us more fluent in English). Whatever you call it, it's one very fun heist-type film that deserves a much wider audience.

As for the plot . . . well, I can't really go into the plot very much without giving away the movie's many surprises. Very briefly, Richard Harrison (in one of the most ironic roles ever) plays an actor in Spaghetti Westerns who is one day approached by a group of men offering him an acting job. He agrees to listen and discovers that this is no ordinary role. It seems that the actor bears a remarkable resemblance to Arthur Land, a top executive at the diamond exchange. These men want him to pose as Lang and help them steal a fortune in diamonds. I'll stop my plot description here as anymore would be too much. I'll just add that The Great Diamond Robbery features one of the most clever plots imaginable. There are more twists and turns, more red herrings, and more slight of hand than you'll see in a dozen other movies combined. Every time you think you've got things figured out, the plot throws you another curve. It's really an amazing piece of writing.

Beyond the plot, the cast is another big highlight. Richard Harrison was never better. I've seen him in Spaghetti Westerns, peplums, and other genre films, but I don't remember enjoying a performance from him as much as this one. Harrison is joined by a wonderful cast that includes genre regulars Adolfo Celi and Margaret Lee. Both are also excellent in their roles. Most of the rest of the cast, with the notable exception of Luciano Pigozzi, weren't as familiar to me, but all were very good. I have no complaints with the acting in The Great Diamond Robbery.

I could keep going and going with the superlatives. Solid direction from Michele Lupo, excellent locations and sets, real tension and suspense, terrific cinematography, and wonderful pacing – everything about The Great Diamond Robbery is perfect. One final highlight is the music. Francesco De Masi's score fits the film perfectly. The main theme is one of those pieces of music that will be in your head long after the film is over. I'd actually like to track down a copy – it's that good.

Overall, The Great Diamond Robbery (or Master Stroke or Colpo maestro al servizio di Sua Maestà Britannica) is one of those movies I always love to discover. I'm so glad I had the chance to watch it. I know it's wishful thinking, but I would love to see a good, legit R1 release. I'd snap it up in a heartbeat.

9/10

Death Carries a Cane (1973)

- Passi di danza su una lama di rasoio
Unoriginal and uninspired, 19 August 2009

While waiting for her husband to pick her up in a park, Kitty (Susan Scott) accidentally looks through a telescope just in time to see a woman brutally murdered. She doesn't see the murderer's face, but she is able to tell the police that the assailant was carrying a cane. In short order, another possible witness, a man who owns a chestnut cart, is murdered. The police initially suspect Kitty's husband, Alberto, who has mysteriously sprained an ankle. Even though the suspicions against the husband fall away, Kitty and Alberto are nonetheless drawn into the investigation.

Death Carries a Cane is a terrific example of what I'd call a "lesser" Giallo. The whole thing seems so unoriginal and uninspired that at times it can be a chore to watch. I had to wake myself at least three times the night I sat down to watch. Like many Gialli, the plot is convoluted, but in this case it's a mess – even after the final reveal. Usually, I have fun trying to follow the many ins and outs of the plot. Not here. It just bored me to tears. Like many Gialli, Death Carries a Cane features a variety of red herrings. But most are so obvious and ridiculous that they're hard to take seriously. For example, I've never seen so many characters carrying canes or walking with limps for no other purpose than to throw suspicion their way. Death Carries a Can even includes twins. Yes, twins! What a terribly tired old plot device. It's just lazy writing. Another perfect example of the problems with the plot comes near the end. In this kind of movie, it's always easier to kill a character if they're separated from the other characters. Two times it the film's last 15 minutes, Kitty's character splits from the rest to go to the bathroom. Yes, Kitty's weak bladder becomes a plot device. How stupid is that! And there are other problems besides the plot. Gialli are known for their visual flair and interesting look. Not here. Like the plot, the cinematography can also best be described as generally uninspired. It's dull looking. Finally, if it weren't for Edwige Fenech, Susan Scott could probably be considered the Queen of the Giallo. She's so underutilized in Death Carries a Cane that it ought to have been a crime. She disappears for a large chunk of the movie. And no offense meant to the other cast members, but none are anywhere near as interesting as she is. To be fair, Death Carries a Cane does feature a few interesting murder scenes, but these are too few and far between to really save the movie. Any other positives are hard to come by. This is one Giallo I wished I'd skipped.

3/10

Password: Kill Agent Gordon (1966)

- Password: Uccidete agente Gordon
Makes up for its lack of original ideas with a healthy dose of tedium, 18 August 2009

Recently, I've discovered, watched, and enjoyed a number of Eurospy thrillers made in the 1960s. While some have been better than others, there are only a very few that I've watched that I couldn't find at least a bit of entertainment value. Well, Password: Kill Agent Gordon is one of those few. To begin with, the plot is a disaster. I often write that the plot in whatever genre movie I've recently watched doesn't really matter. But usually, that's only because the movie is so much fun and the plot so convoluted that the movie was entertaining regardless. In Password: Kill Agent Gordon, the plot is almost non-existent – something about gun smuggling to Communist Asian countries. Trust me, you'll forget all about the whys and what-fors very quickly. Second, I've got a real problem with Agent Gordon as played by Roger Browne. The man just didn't do anything for me. He came across terribly dry - not what you normally associate with a cool secret agent. Third, the two female "names" in the cast, Rosalba Neri and Helga Line, are misused and add little. Ms. Line, in particular, doesn't do much more than follow the dull Agent Gordon from scene to scene. She's got little to offer other than her looks. Finally, the budget limitations of Password: Kill Agent Gordon are very apparent. Most of these Eurospy movies were made on a shoestring budget, but many were able to overcome this handicap with cool ideas and over-the-top action. Not here. Apparently, the only idea that director Sergio Grieco (I usually enjoy his work) and the screenwriters could come up with to cover up the lack of a budget was to have Agent Gordon fight what appeared to be the same group of baddies over and over to the point of tedium. Not very original – or entertaining.

3/10

Johnny English (2003)

"The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, sensitive hearing and a whole bunch of bigger brains.", 16 August 2009

Because of his own ineptness, Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson) is the only agent left in the British Secret Service. The crown jewels are stolen and against everyone's better judgment, English is put on the case. But when he uncovers a plot involving a wealthy Frenchman to overthrow the Queen and have himself named King of England, no one will believe him. English knows he's right and knows it's up to him to save his country.

I'm shocked. I was quite prepared to hate Johnny English. Instead, I found a movie that, although uneven, had moments that made me laugh out loud. Nothing on the level of the Atkinson's masterpiece, The Black Adder, but still worthy of a laugh or two if you're a fan of Atkinson's style of humor. I admit, some of the bits fall flat and some of the situations feel forced or, even worse, telegraphed, but when it's funny, it's really good. I'm not sure what my favorite moment was, but the scene where English mistakenly invades and attempts to take over a hospital had me laughing hard. Or the scene where English bares the Archbishop of Cantebury's back-side. Predictable - yes, but still funny. It was just so stupid. That's another thing – if you want comedy with a bit of sophistication, steer clear. There's a lot of potty humor here. Like the rest of the movie, some works and some doesn't. Other highlights for me include the music (the title song by Robbie Williams is really good), English's love interest played by Natalie Imbruglia (I thought she was amazing given her rather limited acting experience), the stunt work, English's put-upon sidekick played by Ben Miller (he manages to steal many scenes from Atkinson), John Malkovich's ridiculous French accent (a complaint to most people - I thought it was a scream), and the locations, costuming, and lighting. It's not perfect and it's not for everyone, but for me it mostly worked. I'll give it a 6/10.

6/10

The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen (1966)

- Il ladro della Gioconda
Hard to watch, 15 August 2009

Before watching The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen, all I knew about the movie was based on what little I had read on the internet. I knew that it was supposed to be a period heist film made in France in the mid-60s. I knew that the film was intended to be a mix of intrigue and comedy. And, I knew that Margaret Lee was in the movie. A heist film with comedic touches and Margaret Lee - it just had to be a winner! After watching, all I can say is what a disappointment. On reviewer called the movie, "Forgettable". Well, I can't forget The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen fast enough. First, there is no real heist. Sure, the Mona Lisa is stolen, but it takes just minutes and there's no suspense surrounding the theft at all. Second, the comedy just didn't work at all for me. Maybe I'm not in tune with what was considered comedy in France in 1966. Or maybe (and this is what I suspect) it's just not funny at all. I can't remember cracking a smile the entire runtime. Finally, while I'm happy to report that Margaret Lee is in the movie, her screen-time is limited to about five minutes and her character has no real impact on the film's plot. By the time you get settled in with your popcorn, she's gone. How disappointing! Her performance and character hardly warrant being listed third in the credits. Add to what I've already written a dull screenplay, extremely distracting and annoying music, and characters I didn't care about, and it's little wonder I can't rate The Mona Lisa Has Been Stolen any higher.

3/10

Covert One: The Hades Factor (2006) (TV)

Not bad for a $3 DVD, 14 August 2009

Had I not found Covert One: The Hades Factor in the $3 bin at Big Lots, I seriously doubt I would have ever even heard of the movie - much less purchased the DVD. Based on a book by acclaimed author Robert Ludlum, Covert One: The Hades Factor was apparently made as a mini-series for CBS. The plot deals with the timely topic of bio-terrorism. In the movie (and I'll keep this brief because it would take paragraphs to do justice to the plot), secret agent/doctor/all-around good guy, Jon Smith (Stephen Dorff) is trying to track down the source of a deadly virus released by terrorists. Meanwhile, half-way around the world, another secret agent, Rachel Russel (Mira Sorvino), is on the run having been accused of playing a part in the virus' release. Behind the scenes, a secret governmental agency known as Covert One is pulling strings to protect the government and to find the terrorists. There's a lot more to the plot, but these three sentences will have to do.

On the whole, I enjoyed Covert One: The Hades Factor. It has its faults, but overall it was an exciting adventure. First, for a movie that's over 160 minutes long, I thought director Mick Jackson did an admiral job with the pacing. There are only a couple of instances where things got really slow. Good action, interesting scientific mumbo-jumbo, international intrigue involving terrorists, nice locations, some surprisingly graphic gore effects (remember, this was made for CBS), and solid supporting performances from Sophia Myles, Anjelica Huston, and especially Colm Meany are all highlights for me. Another big plus was Mira Sorvino. But then again, I'm hardly unbiased when it comes to Sorvino. I seem to go nuts over just about anything she does. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for her co-star, Stephen Dorff. Don't misunderstand – his acting is okay, he just seemed terribly miscast to me as the secret agent/doctor/all-around good guy. While I'm on the subject of negatives, I didn't care at all for the film's final act. First, I suppose that the identity of the boss behind the terrorists was supposed to be something of a twist, but it doesn't work. It's far too easy to spot the bad guys as soon as they appear on screen. Second, I hated the final outcome. Sure, the virus is stopped, but nothing else is resolved. We don't even get the satisfaction of seeing the bad guy come to justice. What's up with that? In the end though, the good outweighs the bad and I'll give Covert One: The Hades Factor a 6/10.

6/10

Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens (1964)

- Sindbad contro i sette saraceni
"You better kill me now", 11 August 2009

Okay, I admit it – I enjoyed Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens much more than I should have. I realize it's not what you'd call a good movie, but I can't help myself – I had a blast watching the movie. Much of it for the wrong reasons, but still, I found it terribly entertaining. The plot – who cares? Suffice it to say that the evil Omar (Gordon Mitchell), Ali Baba, and other warrior types do battle to determine who will be King. In today's world, it would be the equivalent of selecting our leaders based on the outcome of the most recent UFC pay-per-view event. Anyway, one of the real highlights for me is Gordon Mitchell. I've never considered him much of an actor and, while this movie doesn't change that, I did get a kick out of his performance as Omar. First, I had no idea that Mitchell could chew scenery quite like that. His constant overacting is a real hoot. And the scene where he wears that ridiculous looking turban – classic! Add to that the weird facial expressions and Mitchell could have passed for Harpo Marx. Truly bizarre! Second, I loved the way that Mitchell (and really all the characters) shouts every line of dialogue. Whether it's something that deserves to be shouted like, "I shall smite thee", or something that doesn't like, "We're having ham for dinner", these people sound like they're constantly competing to be heard above a jet engine. Again, truly bizarre! Another highlight of Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens (and this one has nothing to do with Gordon Mitchell) was the women's prison or harem room or whatever you want to call it. Real tough going in there. It looked more like backstage at an Atlantic City beauty pageant. Would these women really have had access to sequined gowns and glittery eye-shadow?

I could go on and on, but I'll end here. Honestly, I've barely scratched the surface. I haven't mentioned the dwarf named Jukki crawling through walls, the final battle scene complete with a lame chariot race, the ease Omar's men have in taking Ali Baba prisoner, the speed with which Ali Baba and Fatima (Bella Cortez - what a woman!) fall hopelessly in love with each other, the confusion over the film's title (Is it Ali Baba or Sinbad?), the whip carried by Omar's main squeeze Farida, or the ridiculous dance scene in the dungeon. Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens might not be for everyone, but I sure had fun with it.

7/10

The Reptile (1966)

A real gem in Hammer's catalog, 11 August 2009

A young couple, Harry and Valerie Spalding, inherit and move into a small cottage previously owned by the husband's now deceased brother, Charles. Charles' death is something of a mystery, but none of the locals in the small Cornish village want to discuss it or any of the other deaths they've seen. Harry has seen some strange things in his time and believes that these deaths are similar to the cobra bite victims he saw in India. But a cobra in Cornwall – it's not possible. The couple meets their standoffish and odd neighbor, Dr. Franklyn, and his charming, but strange daughter, Anna. The Franklyn's are hiding a secret, but is it a secret capable of killing Charles and others in the community? Is there a giant, snake-like creature hiding in the Franklyn's house?

Of all the wonderful movies that Hammer made, I'm of the opinion that The Reptile is one of the most often overlooked gems in the catalog. It's a really nice movie that doesn't seem to get near the attention I feel it deserves. Good acting from a rather small cast (with a big, meaty role for Hammer regular Michael Ripper), nice pacing, solid direction, and that Hammer "look" (for lack of a better word) that I always enjoy. But what really sets The Reptile apart is the atmosphere. There's a real sense of fear and mystery about the whole movie. It's as creepy and suspense filled as anything Hammer ever made. And I just love the whole notion of a snake-cult putting a curse on Franklyn and his daughter. It's a unique, original idea for a movie. Sure, there have been other snake-to-man movies, but none that I've seen are as well done as this one. Finally, I've read complaints about the make-up effects. Personally, I think they're fine given the relative modest budget Hammer put-up for the movie. The snake appliances may not look as real as one might have hoped for, but at least they're not some weightless CGI nonsense. Just go with it and have fun.

8/10

The Disappearance of Flight 412 (1974) (TV)

"This is a UFO - an Unidentified Flying Object.", 10 August 2009

A radar plane (the titular Flight 412) on a routine training mission out of Whitney AFB suddenly spots three unidentified objects on its radar. The objects are confirmed by ground radar. Marine fighters are scrambled. But just as the jet fighters get close , the planes suddenly disappear from the radar – followed shortly by the three unidentified objects. Afterwards, Flight 412 is rerouted to a secret facility where its four man crew are subjected to an interrogation about what they've seen. Or as the men are continually told, what they "think" thy might have seen. Colonel Pete Moore (Glenn Ford) sets out to find his men and bring them back home.

As hard as The Disappearance of Flight 412 strives to have the look and feel of a documentary, it never pulls it off. Instead, the movie comes across as exactly what it is – a movie of the week masquerading as a serious look at the U.S. government's cover-up of UFOs. For example, the movie makes it seem like the men on Flight 412 crack in one night with a minimum of hardship or discomfort. Good thing these guys weren't in combat. They'd have given away every secret the U.S. had in a week's time. It's not a very realistic portrayal of these well trained men.

In addition to the problems with the plot, The Disappearance of Flight 412 is never able to shake its made-for-TV origins. The sets look cheap, there is absolutely no originality as far as the cinematography goes, no special effects of any kind (the UFOs appear only as bleeps on a radar screen), and, other than Glenn Ford, most of the rest of the cast will be familiar to anyone who watched TV in the 70s. Not that the actors do a bad job – quite the opposite in fact. The acting is one of the movie's highlights. David Soul, in particular, gives a really nice performance. Other familiar faces in the cast include Guy Stockwell and Bradford Dillman.

In the end, I'll call The Disappearance of Flight 412 a slightly below average experience. As such, a 4/10 seems about right.

4/10

G-Force (2009)

Come on Disney - you can do better than this, 10 August 2009

I'm something of a closet Disney fan. When the family and I head to Disney World this year, it will be our fifth trip in the last four years. Of the recent crop of Disney or Pixar movies, I love The Incredibles and The Emperor's New Groove. I thought Bolt was wonderful. And while I usually enjoy (or at the very least tolerate) all things Disney, G-Force positively stunk-up the joint. I can barely remember so much as a smile crossing my lips. You can see everything that's remotely funny in the trailer. G-Force is dull, boring, uninteresting, and any other negatively charged descriptive word you can come up with. The plot was beyond ridiculous and doesn't even merit a mention. The characters, both human and CGI, weren't worth caring about – and that's a big problem with a movie like this. If you don't care about the characters, you don't have much. The music is mostly inappropriate to what's going on on-screen. The special effects weren't all that special. And whoever thought that Tracy Morgan was funny doesn't know much about comedy. Overall, G-Force is a real stinker of a movie.

2/10

Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon (1964)

- Ercole contro i tiranni di Babilonia
"There's a limit to the power of resistance.", 9 August 2009

When the King of Babylon died, he left the throne to his three children to rule the land equally. But, and it should come as no surprise, they all have designs on running things for themselves – making for lots of treachery and backstabbing. Their kingdom also needs a steady supply of slaves. But one of their newest slaves just happens to be the Queen of the Hellenes. Hercules gets the signal and jumps into action to rescue the Queen before her true identity can be discovered. Along the way, he'll do what he can to free the rest of the slaves and bring an end to the tyranny of Babylon.

As far as peplums go, Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon is on the down side of average. The two biggest problems are the lack of a memorable, big moment and Peter Lupus as Hercules. Most all sword and sandal movies worth their salt have one big memorable moment – it might be a fight scene against a Cyclops or a battle against a mechanical giant or it might be the destruction of an army – but there's usually a moment or scene that stands out. That's not the case with Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon. The closest you'll find here is probably the scene where Hercules turns the big wheel to bring down the walls of Babylon. But it's so ridiculous that it's hardly THE moment. I mean what city is constructed on top of a giant wheel that can be turned to bring about its destruction. It's the equivalent of building a modern city on top of an atomic bomb. It's just stupid! Besides the lack of a big moment, the rest of the screenplay is pretty dull. I'll admit that some of the scenes with the siblings scheming against each other were pretty good, but that's about it. Overall, not a lot of interesting things to hang your hat on.

As for Lupus, he makes for one very dull Hercules. He's got the body for it – tanned to perfection with the ever present sheen of oil – but like the screenplay, he's also dull. The man just didn't have the command or screen presence to pull of being the lead in a movie like this. It doesn't help matters that his version of Hercules insists on carrying a very large club that obviously weighs no more than five pounds. And the sound it makes when he goes into battle – bong, bong, bong. When I was little, I had a game called Bing, Bang, Bong. You arranged these small drum like trampolines just so and bounced a metal ball from one to the other. That's what Hercules club sounds like in Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon – a metal ball hitting a rubber trampoline. For some reason, I doubt that's what it would sound like if someone were to hit you in the skull with a huge club. (I do realize that it's a tricky thing to criticize anything related to sound in a low-budget Italin movie from the 1960s that's been dubbed. But in this case, I can't help myself.)

I've listed the negatives, so what about the positives? I can sum-up the film's biggest highlight with two words – Helga Line. She is the lone (and very beautiful) bright spot. Though I must admit that some of her outfits probably weren't right for Babylon in 1,000 B.C., but still, she looked good. She also has the best part in the plot. Her scheming is by far more interesting than that of either of her two brothers. But as much as I enjoyed seeing Ms. Line, by herself she can't save the movie. I usually enjoy even bad peplums, however, in the case of Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon, a 4/10 seems about right.

4/10

Pharaoh's Curse (1957)

The very definition of plodding, 6 August 2009

The soul of an ancient mummy is transferred to one of his followers so that he might punish everyone involved in the desecration of his tomb. The soul transference makes the young man age at a tremendous pace until he himself resembles a mummy. One by one, the blood is drained from those involved in the dig.

To be as brief as possible, Pharaoh's Curse is quite the lackluster affair. While the movie does present a few good, original ideas (blood sucking mummy's, soul transference, interesting make-up effects, the arm ripping scene, etc.) and a few atmospheric moments, the direction and pace are the very definition of plodding. To make matters even worse, the first 15 of the film's relatively short 66 minute runtime consist of nothing much more than padding. I usually go for these slow moving mummy movies, but Pharaoh's Curse tests even my patients. The cast helps very little. With only one exception (Ziva Rodann is the lone bright spot – wish the movie could have focused more on her mysterious character), the cast is as dull as the screenplay. Finally, I don't know whose idea it was to put the mummy-looking servant in what appears to be pajamas, but it's a laughable, ridiculous look for a creature that supposed to instill fear in the audience.

Despite my mostly negative comments on the Pharaoh's Curse, I'm going to rate it a 4/10. Not a good rating to be sure, but generous given all the problems I have with the movie.

4/10

Tarantula (1955)

"No blood! No sign of a struggle! The bones just stripped clean like peeling a banana!", 5 August 2009

A couple of well-intentioned scientists set out to solve the Earth's food shortage problems by developing a new, revolutionary growth formula. They inject the usual rats and guinea pigs to test their formula with remarkable success. But for some reason known only to the screenwriters, the scientists also test their formula on a tarantula. A fire in the lab destroys all of the animals with the exception of the tarantula that escapes unnoticed into the desert. Unnoticed, that is, until ranchers start reporting the unusual deaths of a number of their herds. But the now giant tarantula has a taste for more than just cattle. Can the arachnid be stopped before the whole town of Desert Rock is wiped out?

I'm going to echo what most others have written about Tarantula – of the many giant bug movies churned out during the 50s, Tarantula is probably only second to Them as far as the best goes. Good acting, good locations, and good cinematography are keys to the film's success. Jack Arnold is another of those keys. He was about as good as anyone working in horror/sci-fi at the time. His snappy, well-paced direction are a real asset to the film. As far as big bug special effects in films from the 50s, Tarantula is easily one of the best. The effects in this film are often compared with Burt I. Gordon's Earth vs. the Spider made a couple years later. As far as I'm concerned, there's really no comparison. Sure, there's at least one or two times where the tarantula seems to be walking on air, but overall, it's a job well done by some talented people. And I so much prefer it to any of that lifeless CGI that would be used today. For what it's worth, a very strong 7/10 seems about right to me.

7/10

The Uninvited (1944)

"Mists gather here... and sea fog... and eerie stories...", 4 August 2009

I've watched at least three movies recently that, for whatever ridiculous reason, cannot be purchased on a R1 DVD. Two Hammer films, Twins of Evil and Vampire Circus, and The Uninvited. Okay, maybe I can in some twisted way understand the fate of the two Hammer films, but why oh why isn't The Uninvited available in the U.S. on DVD? Makes no sense at all. The Uninvited is a true classic in every respect. The plot involves a brother and sister, Roderick and Pamela Fitzgerald (Ray Milland and Ruth Hussey), who buy an abandoned, but remarkably well preserved, house on a cliff overlooking the ocean. The seller has a granddaughter, Stella Meredith (Gail Russell), who is totally against the sale of the house because it was her mothers. Shortly after moving in, strange noises and loud crying can be heard all through the house at night. Neither the dog nor the cat will venture upstairs – too frightened to take the first step. And there's a locked studio upstairs that always feels cold regardless of the temperature. If you can't guess already, the house is haunted (I know, a real shocker). The haunting seems to be that of the ghost of the Stella's mother, who Roderick is falling in love with (Stella that is, not the ghost of her mother). But why is she haunting the house? And why does Stella's life seem to be put in danger every time she visits? It's a mystery that demands to be solved.

I just love discovering a classic like The Uninvited that I've never taken the time to watch. Every thing about the film is spot on perfect. While I could go on and on extolling the movie's virtues, I'll try to limit this to just a couple of real highlights. First, the movie's got a boatload of atmosphere. It's so thick you feel like you can cut it with a knife. It gives you that kind of eerie feeling that doesn't leave once the lights go on. But The Uninvited is more than just a horror movie. Director Lewis Allen flawlessly mixes in romance, comedy, mystery, and drama. And the amazing part is that it all works – especially the mystery elements of the story. Even without the ghosts, the mystery of the house and Stella and her mother would have been enough to keep me interested. The special effects are another area that deserves mention. I've often argued in the past that some of the best ghost stories are those that don't really show anything. You know, the less is more argument. Well, in The Uninvited, we actually get to see what's causing all the problem. And to my astonishment, this also works. I was expecting something cheesy, but instead saw an image that looked like what a ghost might look like. Finally, it's impossible to discuss The Uninvited without mentioning the acting. This is probably the best performance I've ever seen from Ray Milland. He's amiable, care-free manner fits nicely into the film. I also enjoyed Ruth Hussey. She has a Myrna Loy quality to her that I liked. The others, including Gail Russell, Donald Crisp, and the scene stealing Dorothy Stickney, hold their own.

If you're a fan of classic horror (or even just a fan of classic films) do yourself a favor and seek out The Uninvited. You'll kick yourself for not doing it earlier.

9/10

Vampire Circus (1972)

A wonderful departure from the usual Hammer vampire film, 4 August 2009

The 1970s are almost universally regarded as the weakest period in Hammer Films' history. Yet as I sit and think about Hammer's output in their last few years, I'm amazed at how many of the movies I genuinely enjoy. Twins of Evil, Blood from the Mummy's Tomb, Dr. Jekyll & Sister Hyde, Dracula A.D 1972 (I know I may be alone in rating this one as highly as I do), Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter, and Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell – all made in the 70s and all solidly entertaining films. Add to that list Vampire Circus. In fact, it might be the best of the bunch.

In a small 19th century Serbian village, Stetl, the locals finally find the courage and band together to put an end to the blood thirsty rule of Count Mitterhaus (Robert Tayman). Count Mitterhaus, you see, was a vampire (But in a Hammer film, isn't every Count a vampire?). As the stake is driven through the heart and the light is fading, he puts a curse on the village and vows to return and seek his revenge. Fifteen years later, with Stetl beset by a plague so bad that other nearby villages have set-up armed roadblocks to keep the people in, it seems that the Count's curse has come to pass. Just when things look their bleakest, the Circus of Nights comes to town. Looking for a relief from their despair, the townspeople are delighted to have this diversion in their midst and welcome the newcomers. Clowns, dancers, animals, and a strongman - the circus is a success. But when some of the town's locals, including the children, turn up with dead, the circus performers are immediately blamed. Are these innocent circus folk or are they something more sinister with another purpose altogether – like resurrecting the body of Count Mitterhaus?

From the very opening scene where the little girl is led in what seems to be the most innocent manner into a nearby castle only to meet her fate at the hands of the blood-thirsty Count, Vampire Circus gets off to a great start and never really lets up. That opening scene sets the tone of much of what's to come. Honestly, I just loved it. While it starts out innocently enough, it features a rather startling and unexpected conclusion. Robery Tayman's Count Mitterhaus may just be the most fiendish, savage vampire to appear in a Hammer film - and that includes the work of Christopher Lee. Not even the children are safe in Vampire Circus. For example, even though we don't see it, it's implied that a whole school of children are ripped to shreds by Emil's (Anthony Higgins) black panther persona. There's probably as much claret spilled, necks ripped open, and limbs taken off in Vampire Circus as any Hammer film I can think of. But it's not all graphic violence. There's some real atmosphere at work here as well. The whole movie has a creepy sort of vibe to it that really works. The circus is just odd enough to be eerie without going overboard. And I love the liberties Hammer took in Vampire Circus with the traditional vampire lore. Circus performers turning form animal into vampire, humans and vampires living (and loving) together, etc. make Vampire Circus a unique experience. The acting is, for the most part, as good as you'll find in any Hammer film. Even though you won't find any of the big name Hammer stars, Tayman, Higgins, Adrienne Corri, and several others give outstanding performances. Finally, though I've seen some reviewers dismiss the "amateurish" special effects, they really worked quite well for me. Emil's transformation to panther or the twins flying transformations into bats are amazingly well done.

I realize it's not all perfect (I didn't care for Thorley Walters' performance, John Moulder-Brown seemed way too young, and too many scenes were too obviously filmed in a studio), but this is one of my Hammer favorites. Vampire Circus is a real treat.

8/10

Supernatural "All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2" #2.22 (2007) (TV)

"We got work to do.", 31 July 2009

In my opinion, Supernatural is easily one of the very best shows currently on television. I only recently discovered the show, but I've had an absolute blast catching-up on the first two seasons and I'm looking forward to starting the third. But for the finale of Season 2, "All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2", what a real letdown! After a very promising beginning in Part 1, Part 2 generally fails to deliver on most every level. You know, I get that Dean and Sam are brothers; and I get that there is a familial connection and a bond between them; and I understand they've lost the rest of their family; but do you have to go on and on with the forced sentimentality. The episode features a culmination of a year long story arc and sees Sam and Dean face off against their most bitter nemesis. Yet, almost half the episode features either Sam or Dean emoting about some BS or another. It bored the pants off me. The final showdown in the graveyard is pretty much a big nothing. It's over before it ever gets started. In the case of "All Hell Breaks Loose: Part 2", the build-up is far better than the final climax. As much as I love the show, I can't give this one any more than a generous 5/10.

One thing that has always bugged me about Supernatural is Sam and Dean's ability to travel great distances in what seems like no time at all. There's no better example than Dean's trip to the Crossroads in this episode. If I remember correctly, the Crossroads is in Mississippi. The graveyard in the episode is in Wyoming. Yet somehow Dean seems to make the trip in the blink of an eye. Have you ever driven from Mississippi to Wyoming? Takes a heck of a lot longer than what's portrayed here.

5/10

Operation Crossbow (1965)

Entertaining WWII thriller, 31 July 2009

Operation Crossbow is a solid espionage thriller set in WWII. The plot concerns the British/Allies attempt to get saboteurs inside German rocket facilities. The British have taken huge hits from the V1 and the other Allies rightly fear the more deadly V2. Three candidates are selected, given credentials allowing them to pose as Dutch engineers, and sent off to infiltrate and help destroy the Reich's most secret weapons development program.

Not being a WWII scholar, I'm not sure how historically accurate Operation Crossbow really is. But really, who cares? Operation Crossbow was never meant to be a scholarly work – it's a piece of fluff entertainment. And for the most part, it succeeds at being entertaining. While the movie may get off to a slow start, the action and suspense of the third act make up for most all of the films perceived shortcomings. The film's finale in an underground Nazi rocket facility is very reminiscent of James Bond and just as thrilling. And even if the movie does get off to a slow start, I found the bits about Nazi test pilot Hannah Reitsch interesting. Most of the cast is excellent. With few exceptions, George Peppard and the rest of the cast turn in fine performances. There are some nice special effects sequences worth mentioning. In particular, the bombing of London was very well handled. The only significant complaints I can come up with involve Trevor Howard and Sophia Loren. Howard's not necessarily bad in his role, but his character, the eternally pessimistic Professor Lindemann, is so annoying I wanted to wring his neck each time he popped-up on screen. As for Sophia Loren, she's a wonderful actress and I enjoy most of her work, but in all honestly, Operation Crossbow would have been a tighter, more enjoyable movie without her. Her character brings ZERO to the movie and her scenes are not important to what came before or what comes after. Her screen time is limited to 15 or 20 minutes that only serve to kill the film's flow. She may get top billing, but that's for her name only. Still, even with these flaws, I've always enjoyed Operation Crossbow and can easily rate it a 7/10.

7/10

Our Man in Marrakesh (1966)

- Bang! Bang! You're Dead!
"I think there's been some foul play", 29 July 2009

Local crime boss Mr. Casmir (Herbert Lom) has a briefcase full of important documents to sell. He has an appointment with an unknown courier fresh to Marrakesh carrying $2 million. But which of the six seemingly innocent travelers/vacationers is the courier? When American Andrew Jessel (Tony Randall) stumbles upon a dead body in the closet of his hotel room, he gets mixed up in more intrigue than he bargained for. Jessel joins forces with the beautiful Kyra Stanovy (Senta Berger), a woman who seems incapable of telling the truth, just to survive his holiday in Marrakesh.

Our Man in Marrakesh is a highly enjoyable Euro-spy film mixed with copious amounts of comedy. I mean how can you take things too seriously when your action hero is Tony Randall? Yes that Tony Randall. Not really a he-man or anyone's idea of a spy, huh? But that's part of what makes Our Man in Marrakesh so much fun. Randall plays against type and does so brilliantly. His fish-out-of-water, put-upon nature is perfect for the role of Jessel. One of my favorite lines comes as Jessel discovers the dead body in the closet and proclaims, "I think there's been some foul play." Funny stuff! Randall is joined by one of those all-star casts that, in this case, actually works. Senta Berger, Herbert Lom, Euro-spy fav Margaret Lee, bad guy Klaus Kinski, the always funny Terry-Thomas, and Wilfrid Hyde-White add their considerable talents to the film. Sometimes when you put together one of these casts, things don't gel the way they should. Not here. Everyone comes out looking good. My only complaint is that I would have liked to have seen more from Lee and Kinski. But, then again, you can't have everything. Other big pluses from Our Man in Marrakesh include: a well-written, witty script that, fortunately, does not resort to slap stick for its humor; snappy, well-paced direction from Don Sharp; and terrific Moroccan locations. Overall, it's a wonderfully entertaining romp. An 8/10 from me.

8/10

Twins of Evil (1971)

A nice ending to Hammer's Karnstein trilogy, 28 July 2009

Can someone please explain to me why Hammer's Twins of Evil isn't available in Region 1 on DVD? What a joke! Twins of Evil is as good and entertaining as many of the better known Hammer offerings that you can find in the $5 bin at Wal Mart. And it's not like Twins of Evil doesn't have a "name" star. Peter Cushing is about as big a "name" as you'll find in the Hammer catalogue.

In Twins of Evil, Peter Cushing plays Gustav, the leader of a group of Puritan style religious fanatics who have no qualms in burning alive any attractive woman they encounter. However, fearing the wrath of the King, Gustav and his merry band of witchfinders conveniently ignore the fact that Count Karnstein is a vampire. Things are going good for Gustav – burning witches and all – until his twin nieces, Frieda and Maria, turn up at his doorstep looking for a place to live. Frieda's got a wild side and is soon drawn to the Count. In no time at all, Frieda joins the Count in his bloodsucking ways. Now what's Gustav to do? Kill his own kin?

I just love these Hammer period pieces. I know that by 1971 this kind of horror was horribly outdated, but today I look at it and joy in its relative quaintness. The period costumes (excluding some worn by Playboy twins Madeleine and Mary Collinson), the big old castle on the top of the hill, the fog shrouded woods, and the antiquated notion of burning witches are things that make Twins of Evil so much fun. Speaking of the Collinson twins, I don't think it was their abilities as thespians that landed them their roles. They may be eye-candy, but that's about it. Cushing gives his usual outstanding performance. Plenty of good atmosphere and snappy direction are other highlights of the film. Finally, even though I saw it coming from a mile away, I loved the little twist at the end. Overall, an enjoyable film and a nice ending to Hammer's Karnstein trilogy (and real step-up from the preceding entry, Lust for a Vampire). I'll give it an 8/10. Here's to hoping for that R1 release!

8/10

Enter the Dragon (1973)

"Don't think. FEEL. It's like a finger pointing at the moon.", 28 July 2009

You can debate the most iconic figures in a lot of movie genres, but I doubt anyone would argue Bruce Lee's place at the top of the heap of Martial Arts films. There are movie fans out there who wouldn't know Sonny Chiba, Bolo Yeung, Gordon Liu, or even Jet Li if they walked up and smacked 'em in the face, but more than 35 years after his death, they recognize Bruce Lee. The man was simply incredible! It's a real shame he died shortly after completing Enter the Dragon because the movie offers the promise of so much to come that was unfortunately never realized.

Bruce Lee (cleverly named Lee) is recruited by the government to attend a martial arts tournament on an island owned by a man named Han. The government suspects Han of any number of illegal activities (drugs, slavery, etc), but they need Lee to find the evidence. Lee's desire to get Han takes a personal turn when he discovers that Han's men were responsible for the death of his sister.

I'm really at a loss to come up with anything original to write about Enter the Dragon that hasn't already been said a thousand times. In short, it's one awesome butt-kicking movie from the word go. Watching Bruce Lee (even in choreographed movie fights) in his prime is simply amazing. The man was like poetry in motion. The use of his body as a weapon and the controlled violence he displays are like nothing else I've ever seen. He takes Enter the Dragon from an average martial arts movie with a fairly predictable plot and makes it something for the ages. I should also give some of the credit to the supporting cast. John Saxon, Jim Kelly, Kien Shih, and the rest are more than capable in their roles. The island fortress set, the special effects, the location shots, and everything else you can name in Enter the Dragon are as good as you'll find in a genre film. I've got no hesitation in rating Enter the Dragon a 9/10.

9/10

Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill (1966)

- Kommissar X - Jagd auf Unbekannt
This is one groovy movie, 15 July 2009

I've watched a bunch of Euro-Spy films recently, and few have been anywhere near as much fun as Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill. This one's got it all – a likable lead in Tony Kendall, a put-upon sidekick in Brad Harris, over-the-top gadgets, lots of beautiful women (Maria Perschy, Christa Linder, and on and on), a wonderfully entertaining villain, a cool underground lair, fight scenes galore, terrific European locations, a catchy title song, and a great explosive finale. What more could you ask for? Throw in a brainwashed army of women with matching blond hair, groovy black outfits, and machine guns (Fembots?), and you've got one heck of a cool movie. The scene with Kendall in the back of that truck surrounded by the army of gun-toting, look-alike women is just too much. Another highlight is the relationship between Kendall's Jo Walker and Harris' Captain Rowland. They're like the Odd Couple of European spies. Walker (who reminds me a little of Frank Sinatra with that hat and all) is the smooth ladies man. Rowland is the no-nonsense cop who would rather use his fists to get to the bottom of a case . They compliment one another nicely. As for the plot . . . well, the less said the better. I'll just say that it involves the murders of a number of gangsters, a missing scientist, and an attempt to by the evil O'Brien to radiate the world's gold supply. Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill may "borrow" (okay, in some instances it outright steals) a lot of ideas from Goldfinger and other James Bond movies, but it does so with its own charm and originality. The movie may start a bit slow, but once it gets going, it's just a ton of fun.

If you're a fan of these 60s era Euro-Spy films, Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill is one that shouldn't be missed. Why aren't movies today this much fun?

8/10

Supernatural "Folsom Prison Blues" #2.19 (2007) (TV)

"Calm down. It's all part of the plan.", 15 July 2009

I'm really starting to sound like a broken record when discussing these episodes of Supernatural, but "Folsom Prison Blues" is yet another rock solid entry in the series. In this one, a murderous entity is accidentally released when an old section of a prison is reopened. The spirit has its own ideas about justice and sets out to see that those who have done wrong get what they deserve. Sam and Dean are soon on the hunt, but how are they going to stop a ghost operating inside a jail?

"Folsom Prison Blues" has everything that I enjoy about Supernatural. Highlights include some incredibly spooky moments (with one that had my wife jumping out of her seat), atmosphere, interesting characters, nice fight scenes, a twist near the end, and lots of excellent humor. In fact, the humor in Supernatural seems to get better and better as the series goes along. Dean's whole take and attitude toward being in jail is very funny. This episode also sees the return of over-the-top FBI Agent Henricksen. It also sees the introduction of a new ally in the form of Public Defender Mara Daniels. I'd like to hope she makes a return appearance later in the series to give the boys a hand. With an episode this fun and with all its got going for it, I'll even let the whole ridiculous notion and ramifications of a plan where Sam and Dean are intentionally thrown into jail slide.

8/10

Supernatural "Playthings" #2.11 (2007) (TV)

"Wow! This is a lot of dolls. They're nice...They're not super creepy at all.", 6 July 2009

"Playthings" is another solid Supernatural episode. In this one, Sam and Dean take a break from their hunt for the demon to investigate a series of mysterious deaths at an old Connecticut hotel and to put a stop to the hoodoo or haunting or whatever is going on before anyone else is killed. I just love a good ghost story set in a large, rambling house like the Pierpont Inn in this episode. Like I said in another user comment for an episode of Supernatural, one thing that always freaks me out is a ghostly little girl with curls, a dress, and a doll – and "Playthings" has got these in spades. Creepy, cool stuff as far as I'm concerned. The subtle references to The Shining and the unsubtle references to Scooby Doo were both unmistakable and very welcome. And the humor in "Playthings" is often laugh-out-loud funny. From the comments about Sam being a doll collector to Dean wanting to poke Grandma Rose with a stick to Sam and Dean being mistaken for a gay couple, it's as funny as anything I've seen up to this point in Supernatural. My only complaint would be the predictability of much of what happens. I mean, was there anyone who didn't know or couldn't have guessed that Maggie was imaginary? Overall, it's not my favorite episode, but I think a 7/10 is about right.

7/10