The Avengers (1998)

"I often think of 6 impossible things before breakfast." 14 September 2018

Disclaimer:  I’m a HUGE fan of the original The Avengers television series (well, at least the Emma Peel era).  It’s brilliant. With great anticipation, I went to see this film in the theater back in 1998. It had a lot to live up to, but I tried to be fair with my assessment.  Unfortunately, the movie failed on almost every level. I rewatched The Avengers last night for the first time in 20 years. I wondered if time had been any kinder to the film.

The short answer is no - The Avengers is still (and will always be) a steaming pile of dung.  The movie is a bloated, boring, and often confusing mess. There are so many problems I have with this one that I could quite literally write pages.  However, for brevity’s sake, I’ll limit my discussion to two of the most obvious issues:

1. The relationship between Steel and Mrs Peel was one of the main things that always made The Avengers special.  It was the soul of the entire series. In the movie, it never works. To begin with, Ralph Fiennes and Uma Thurman have nothing that resembles real chemistry.  They never click and it all feels forced. The relationship in the original was always flirtatious, but never went much further than a knowing look. Having Steed and Mrs Peel engage in a real relationship as pictured here destroys all the mystery.

2. The plot is a complete disaster.  You can read about how the movie originally ran much longer but was gutted after comments form test audiences.  The resulting mess is full of plot holes, events with no explanation, and an apparent lack of logic. Not that I think these missing minutes would have helped that much, however.  If you put the cut footage back in, you’d probably only add to the films utter dullness. I was bored to tears.

I could go on about the acting, the ridiculous special effects, the poor editing, the invisible Patrick Macnee, or the fact that so much of the movie feels random simply for the sake of being random.  But really, why bother? With a movie this bad, the time I’ve already spent on The Avengers is more than it deserves. While I rate the original series a 9/10, I’m being generous with the 2/10 I’m giving the movie.  

2/10

The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant (1971)

"Uh, my neck hurts.", 13 September 2018

Attach the head of a deranged psycho-killer to the body of a hulking man-child - what could go wrong?  Well, in the case of The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant, the answer is just about everything.

Before I sat down with The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant last night, if you had asked me, I would have sworn I’d seen it before.  Easy mistake as I’ve watched the movie The Thing with Two Heads a couple of times and the similarities are numerous. Both feature a similar ridiculous plot device, bad “special” effects, AIP, generally poor acting, and a name actor or two slumming it.  I think my confusion is understandable. And while neither is very good, I remember enjoying The Thing with Two Heads much more than The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant. I remember having a certain amount of fun with the former, while the latter is a joyless, mean-spirited exercise in filmmaking.  Take the treatment of Pat Priest’s character. She spends most of the film drugged, gagged, and locked in a cage. NIce, huh? What could and should have been a cheesy good time never so much as brought a smile to my face. Overall, it’s a wretched experience.

The lone bright spot is Bruce Dern.  Despite the dreck around him, he’s pretty good.  Admittedly, there a times where his professionalism is misplaced, but you can see the quality.  Take the scene where Dern is internally debating the ethics of the surgery he’s about to perform.  The consternation he’s experiencing comes through on-screen. Like I said, it’s misplaced, but it’s there.  

2/10

Subterfuge (1968)

Joan Collins is easily the best thing Subterfuge has going for it., 12 September 2018

Very briefly, Subterfuge’s plot goes something like this:  U.S. spy MIchael Donovan (Gene Barry) is enlisted by his British counterparts to ferret out a mole hiding in their midst.  Donovan decides to use the marital difficulties facing one of his suspects to his advantage. Donovan cosies up to Anne Langley (Joan Collins) to gain information on his target.  As you might have guessed, things get complicated when Donovan ends up falling for Anne

Subterfuge should have worked on me.  It’s got a lot of what I normally enjoy:  spy shenanigans, interesting locations, kidnappings, double-agents, double crosses, chase scenes, fight scenes, and Joan Collins.  The problem is that the movie doesn’t have much of a plot - at least one that’s interesting. Subterfuge is deathly dull. I’ll admit that the last act does get a bit interesting, but by that point, I was really struggling to stay awake.  The baddies are boring, the plot is confusing, and Gene Barry isn’t very exciting. That’s not much of a recipe for success. Joan Collins is easily the best thing Subterfuge has going for it. She shines in every instance she appears on-screen.  Unfortunately, though, she’s stuck with Barry. Their relationship and chemistry is as lacking as the plot. Overall, there’s not much here to recommend. A generous 4/10 from me.

4/10