The Haunted Mansion (2003)

“How wonderful. You’re going to kill a ghost.” 25 June 2021

Realtor Jim Evers (Eddie Murphy) and family visit a large, creepy mansion that Evers may have the opportunity to sell.  But the mansion’s owner has a secret reason for summoning the Evers family.  The owner is actually a ghost.  He’s haunted the old house looking for his long lost love.  It seems that Evers’ wife is the spitting image for the dead woman.  Can Evers put a stop to the unholy union and save his family?

Over the years, the family and I have been to Disneyworld about a dozen times.  There is no attraction at Disney that I look forward to as much as The Haunted Mansion.  I love it!  Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for this film.  While there are a lot of things that I dislike about The Haunted Mansion (the movie), my biggest complaint is just how dull it all is.  Re-watching last night, it put me to sleep.  I had to slog my way through the rest today.  The story is predictable, the comedy doesn’t work, and I wasn’t invested in the characters.  As a result, I find it to be one incredibly boring experience.  None of the charm and joy I feel on the ride are in the film.  My reaction to the movie is the exact opposite.  

Eddie Murphy may be known for his comedic abilities, but I don’t remember his performance bringing so much as a smile to my face.  Whether it’s his fault or the writers (more likely), nothing he says or does works on me.  Also, I’m kind of surprised that Disney cast Murphy in the lead here.  This was right in the middle of his run in the wildly successful, non-Disney Shrek series.  

There are some homages the film pays to the ride that I appreciate.  From the singing cemetery busts to the wedding dress in the attic to the hitchhiking ghosts to Madame Leota (Meg Tilley is easily my favorite thing about the movie), fans of the ride will enjoy these touches.  

3/10

Death Wish 3 (1985)

“Blow the scum away!” 23 June 2021

After his friend is murdered by a street gang, “Mr Vigilante”, Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson), moves into his friend’s vacant apartment and finds himself embroiled in a war.  Kersey is ruthless in his pursuit of justice.  With the police turning a blind-eye, Kersey is a one man wrecking crew, cleaning the hoodlums off the streets.

If you were to use one movie as an example of the films churned out by Cannon and Golan-Globus in the ‘80s, you’d be hard pressed to find a better example than Death Wish 3.  It’s cheap, exploitative, violent, and a whole lot of fun.  Actually, Death Wish 3 isn’t so much a movie as it is a series of over-the-top set-pieces strung together by the most flimsy of plot threads.  If you think too much about the logic of what you’re watching, it’ll make your head hurt.  Everything from ordering a rocket launcher through the mail to Bronson’s scenes with love interest Kathryn Davis to the completely ineffective police to the Home Alone tactics Kersey uses to battle the gang - none of it makes any real world sense.  But the street gang that Kersey finds himself up against is perhaps the worst offender when it comes to a lack of logic.  They seem to exist only to commit one criminal act after the next with no real payoff.  What’s their end-goal?  And they look absolutely silly, like some sort of rejects from The Warriors. 

Despite all this (or maybe because of all this), Death Wish 3 is a rocking good time.  Watching a 63-year-old Bronson whip out one crazy weapon after another is a real hoot.  And what’s not to enjoy about Bronson setting one trap after the next for the baddies to fall for - like his slow walk to buy ice cream.  I’ve seen this movie a couple of times now and it never fails to entertain.  It easily gets a 7/10 from me.  

7/10

Shoot ‘Em Up (2007)

“Guns don’t kill people! But they sure help.” 22 June 2021

A man named Smith (Clive Owen) reluctantly makes the decision to help a pregnant woman who’s being chased by a gang of heavily armed gunmen.  Unfortunately, the woman goes into labor.  Smith delivers the baby while simultaneously fending off a dozen or so baddies.  And that’s just the first five minutes.

As far as entertainment goes, I haven’t seen many movies recently that I enjoyed as much as Shoot ‘Em Up.  It’s fast-paced, adrenaline-filled, stylized hyper-violence and a total blast.  While the movie may be light on plot, with this much action, who cares?  Sure, some of the violence and situations may be “cartoony” where physics and the other laws of nature don’t necessarily apply, but if you can just go with it, Shoot ‘Em Up is a kick-in-the-rear good-time.

Beyond the violence and action, two areas where I felt the film excelled were the technical aspects and the acting.  First, technically, Shoot ‘Em Up is a delight.  Lighting, set design, and special effects are amazing.  But the star is the gymnastic-style camera work and the sharp, crisp, frenzied editing.  It’s a joy to behold.  

Second, as for the acting, I loved all three leads.  Clive Owen is perfectly stoic as the film’s hero.  His persona is a wonderful contrast to the craziness going on around him.  Paul Giamatti is a real treat as the main baddie.  He’s absolutely perfect.  And, finally, Monica Bullucci is rock solid.  Her chemistry with Owen works.  

I'm amazed that Shoot ‘Em Up only made $27 million on a $39 million budget.  It’s better than that and certainly more entertaining than the 6.6 IMDb rating suggests.

8/10

Forbidden World (1982)

Too squishy for me, 22 June 2021

A space marshal (at least I think that’s what he is) receives a distress call to clean up a mess on an isolated science station.  It seems that a biologically engineered organism is wreaking havoc on the station and threatening all on board.  Much carnage ensues.

As should be obvious from my rating, Forbidden World is not my cup of tea.  From the confusing and dull plot to the lifeless acting to the ridiculous character behavior, I didn’t find much here to hold my interest or enjoy.  Despite the Corman-sized budget, the creature effects have to be a highlight.  However, I’m not a fan of watching bodies dissolve into a gooey mess.  It’s all too squishy (in both sight and sound) for me  And I’m not a prude, but what’s up with the women in this film?  These are supposed to be female scientists, but you’d never know it from their costuming (or lack thereof).  What kind of outfit would be suitable if you’re heading toward a potentially dangerous showdown with a sentient being who’s slowly consuming all of your friends. What about a short bathrobe!  Makes sense to me!

In the end, Forbidden World is a cheap Alien inspired rip-off that doesn’t work for me.  

3/10