The House of the Yellow Carpet (1983)

Plot twists around every turn, 11 February 2017

The House of the Yellow Carpet is one of those movies where the less you know about, the more you're likely to enjoy it. With this movie, too much plot detail would be a bad thing. I'll just say that a young couple, Franca and Antonio, have a carpet (yellow of course) they'd like to sale. It was a present from Franca's stepfather, but it doesn't work in their small flat. While Antonio is away, Franca answers the door to an old man with an interest in buying the carpet. But is the carpet really all he came for? Anymore detail would seriously be too much. 

The House of the Yellow Carpet is s small, often claustrophobic, thriller/giallo with only four speaking parts. It's filled with more tension and suspense than many better known movies. I'd compare the feeling to something like Wait Until Dark. It's a little slow to get going, but once it does, it's edge of the seat type stuff. The acting is beyond first rate. Erland Josephson as the old man and Béatrice Romand as Franca give some of the best performances I've seen in a while. Just brilliant. And I can't say enough about director Carlo Lizzani. Every twist and turn in the script works flawlessly. This is a fantastic movie that deserves a much wider audience.

9/10

Yambao (1957)

Not what I was hoping for, 11 February 2017

I'm going to be real lazy here and just copy the plot summary from IMDb - "Cuba, 1850. On a sugar-cane plantation, the master and his wife are happy : they're expecting a child, their slaves are quiet. But tonight, as the full moon rises, the sound of the drums are in the air. Yambao, the grand-daughter of a sorceress killed 15 years ago, has come back.. With her grand-mother's spirit." Much better and more succinct that I could ever have put it.

Overall, I'll call Yambao a disappointment. From what little I'd read in the past about the movie, it is neither as good or as scandalous as I'd been led to believe. I'd call it a fairly lame, predictable melodrama with way too much dancing, drumming, and chanting. Star Ninón Sevilla is the one bright spot. I'm not familiar with her other work, but here, she really gives it her all. Sevilla shines in every scene. She's a naturally sensuous woman and conveys that sensuality in her every move. The script here, however, lets her down. Co-star Ramon Gay is too bland to give her much to work with. A real disappointment.

4/10

The Hideous Sun Demon (1959)

"Liquor and science don't mix well, apparently.", 11 February 2017

Dr. Gilbert McKenna (Robert Clarke) is a research scientist who is accidentally exposed to a new type of radiation. At first, he seems to be doing remarkably well. However, once in direct sunlight, Gil's body begins to change. He goes through a devolution process and turns into some sort of out-of-control, lizard-type creature.

"Hideous" is the right word to describe Gil's transformation. The special effect suit is about as good as I've seen in a 1950s era sci-fi/horror film. I'd rate it right up there with the suit from Creature from the Black Lagoon. It's really nicely done. The acting is hit or miss. Clarke does a good job playing the tortured victim. I also enjoyed Nan Peterson as Trudy Osborne - not because she's a particularly great actress, but she channel's Marilyn Monroe quit well. Some of the performances, however, are laughable. I'm thinking of the dude who played the gangster - I think it was Peter Similuk. Just awful.

The problem with The Hideous Sun Demon and the thing that keeps me from rating it higher is there's really not much plot here. The movie is full of padding. The runtime is only 74 minutes, but I'd bet at least 20 of those minutes felt like filler. For example, I think there are more scenes of people driving around California than there are scenes devoted to the titular Sun Demon.

5/10

Icebreaker (2000)

How'd they get that cast?, 10 February 2017

The plot in Icebreaker is such a mess that it doesn't merit much discussion. A group of terrorists descend on a Vermont ski resort looking for a downed plane carrying a nuclear device. In the end, however, the nuclear device is all but an afterthought as the head baddie sets his sights on the lesser goal of blowing up a ski gondola with one person on board. Ski patrol member Matt is on the case to stop the terrorists and save his fiancé (who is quite naturally the person on the gondola).

How in the name of all that is Holy did the makers of Icebreakers get a cast that includes Sean Astin, Stacy Keach, and Bruce Campbell? Were these guys that hard-up for work? Do they enjoy skiing so much that a free weekend on the slopes of Killington was enough to entice them? Did the producers have compromising photos? I just don't get it. Astin may be a good actor, but he's not my image of an action hero. When I think of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, and Rob Van Dam – Sean Astin is not the next name that comes to mind. Stacy Keach phones in his performance from the State line. It's obvious he has no interest in Icebreakers. As for Campbell, as much as I love him, not even he can save this thing. Bruce's charm, so evident in the Evil Dead Series or Brisco County or even Burn Notice, is not here. Like Keach, he doesn't look overly interested in the project.

But the acting's not the problem – it's the muddled plot. I watched the whole thing and still have no idea what was motivating the terrorists. They want the nuclear device simply because that's what a terrorist would do. The take-over of the ski resort seemed so unnecessary. Their plan had not gone so off-track that they still couldn't have secretly gotten their weapon and disappeared. Why bring so much attention to their activities? The answer – it's in the script. The whole thing this is a complete mess. Character motivation in Icebreakers makes absolutely no sense.

I'll give Icebreakers a generous 3/10.

3/10

Secrets of the Pirates' Inn (1969) (TV)

A real treat, 10 February 2017

I may or may not have seen Secrets of Pirates' Inn when it originally aired back in 1969 – I can't remember. My family watched the Disney show on Sunday nights (at least I remember it being Sunday night), so the chances that I saw it in 1969 are fairly high. However, even if I didn't, that doesn't affect the sense of nostalgia that filled me as I watched Secrets of Pirates' Inn a couple of days ago. It really took me back to my childhood – a time when kids played outside until dark, we looked for adventure in the wooded areas around the house, and dreamed of a mystery like the one the kids in this movie experienced. My friends and I would have jumped at the chance to go on a real treasure hunt, searching for pirate gold!

Getting back to the movie, Secrets of Pirates' Inn plays something like a toned-down version of The Goonies. Three average kids meet a sea captain who has inherited an old pirate haunt that may hide treasure. The kids agree to help the old man search for the gold. But someone else in town is also looking for the treasure. Can the kids help solve the clues, navigate the secret passages, and uncover the treasure first?

It's all great fun in that innocent sort of 60s Disney way. There's danger, but you know it's nothing that will cause any real harm to anyone. There's some drama and tension, but you know that in the end it will all be resolved in our heroes favor. The bad guys aren't all that bad and are easily apprehended. And the treasure is easy enough to find that you wonder why it wasn't found years ago. But, like I said, it's all fun.

I want to give a special mention to Ed Begley as Irish sea captain Dennis McCarthy. What a great and genuine performance!

7/10

The Champions "Shadow of the Panther" #1.16 (1969) (TV)

One of the best and most fun episodes I've seen so far, 10 February 2017

In Haiti, Sharron begins an investigation of a Nemesis scientist who, according to the local coroner, died of fright. Sharron soon finds herself knee-deep in voodoo and calls Tremayne for help. When Richard and Craig arrive, they discover Sharron in a zombie-like state and at the mercy of a voodoo cult.

Shadow of the Panther is one of the best and most fun episodes I've seen so far of The Champions. There's a lot here to like – an interesting plot with a couple twists, more Sharron than usual, voodoo, Donald Sutherland in a supporting role, and the able direction of Freddie Francis. I admit that a couple plot twists really worked on me. Until he unmasks, I had no idea who the cult leader was. Likewise, I thought the mystery of whether or not Sharron was really under the control of the voodoo cult was nicely done. Either I wasn't paying attention or the suspense was handled expertly. The voodoo/zombie hokum was also enjoyable. I've always liked this type of living zombie. Finally, in addition to Donald Sutherland, the supporting cast includes Zia Mohyeddin. The man plays the slimy, but knowing hotel manager flawlessly. Overall, a very good episode that I'm rating a 9/10.

A few new powers we learn of during the episode (without giving too much away) include: immunity to certain gases, the ability to predict a roulette wheel spin, and hitting a hole-in-one on a golf course.

9/10

The Champions "The Gilded Cage" #1.15 (1969) (TV)

The end could have been better, 8 February 2017

Richard is knocked on the head and kidnapped. He wakes wearing pajamas in a plush bedroom with a beautiful woman named Samantha. It seems that Richard's kidnapper is aware of his cyphering ability and wants Richard to decode a secret formula. If he doesn't, Samantha will be killed. All the while, Craig is searching for Richard.

Up to a point, The Gilded Cage is an excellent episode. There's a real sense of mystery to what's behind Richard's kidnapping. Although light on action, the drama and suspense work well. The relationships between characters is also interesting – both Samantha and Richard's relationship and Samantha and Symons' relationship. Does Richard care enough to save Samantha? Will Symons follow through and kill Samantha? Will Samantha turn on Symons? Good stuff. Also, the supporting cast in The Gilded Cage is strong. John Carson as Symons and Jennie Linden as Samantha are as good as you'll find in series. Very nice performances.

But, as I wrote, the episode is excellent only up to a point. There are two things about The Gilded Cage that I didn't care for that keep my rating from being any higher. First, and admittedly a small thing, there is no Sharron. Episodes with all three of members of the team are usually better. Second, and more importantly, as the other reviewer on IMDb wrote, the ending is weak. Craig just sort of shows up and everything ends. There is no gun play, no fighting, no chase – it just ends. Too bad because this one could have been a real winner.

6/10

The Last Shark (1981)

Why does this seem so familiar? I wonder?, 7 February 2015

Port Harbor's, a small ocean-side community, preparations are in full swing for the big upcoming windsurfing regatta. However, their plans are rocked when a local windsurfer turns up missing. The only thing that can be found is a portion of his board that appears to have been gnawed on by a rather large great white shark. The mayor is against canceling the big event. The town turns to a salty old sea captain (Vic Morrow doing his best Robert Shaw impersonation) to help capture the shark before anyone else is killed. Sound familiar? 

There's absolutely no way to hide where the inspiration for The Last Shark came from. It's as blatant a rip-off of Jaws as I've ever seen – and I've seen a bunch of them. But this one just might be among my favorites. It's so corny in parts that it's often laugh out loud funny. For years, I had read reviews on the internet of a Jaws-type cash-in with a roaring shark. Well, I finally saw it. The repeated roaring of the great white in The Last Shark every time it surfaces is the stuff of legend. It's comedy gold. The special effects are anything but special. The shark in this movie is so fake its mouth doesn't really move. The one person you see eaten is actually lowered into the unmovable jaws. The dialogue is another source of amusement. Utterly ridiculous dialogue presented with a completely straight face – I don't know how they did it. Finally, there are moments that defy description. The best example has to be the scene where the shark targets and rams a small boat from the bottom. The person on board is sent flying 20 feet in the air like a rocket just went off. You need to see it. Hysterical. 

Actually, as ridiculous as much of the movie is, I still enjoyed it – maybe for the wrong reasons at times, but it's all harmless and entertaining enough. The movie moves at a good pace and never gets bogged down and boring. There are a couple of decent acting performances and some nice location shots. I think a 6/10 for The Last shark is about fair given the entertainment I got out of it. 

One final thing I noticed, The Last Shark has to hold some sort of record for the most mustaches in a movie. Mustache-less lead James Franciscus looks out of place with the rest of the cast.

6/10

Mortdecai (2015)

"Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt.", 4 February 2015

A very short plot summary: Mortdecai (Johnny Depp) is a shady, but broke, art dealer who is hired by the British government to help locate a lost painting that may led to a fortune in hidden Nazi treasure. 

I don't get the hate swirling around Mortdecai. I've seen it called garbage, unfunny, a waste of time, etc. etc. etc. Mortdecai is the second film I've seen this week dealing with a lost Goya that may hold the key to a lost Nazi fortune (how bizarre - two movies about missing Goya's?). The other movie is the dreadful 7 Golden Women Against Two 07. For all those who have written negatively about Mortdecai, please take the time to watch the other movie I've mentioned. You will see what a truly horrible film really looks like. You'll beg to watch Mortdecai again. I admit Mortdecai's not perfect (the film could have been trimmed by 20 minutes to make for a tighter, better experience), but Mortdecai can't begin to compare to the pain that a really bad movie will inflict on your senses.

Obviously, I enjoyed Mortdecai. I've seen someone call it a good old-fashion romp - I couldn't agree more. It's fun and often quite funny. There were moments that had me laughing out loud. In addition to the comedy, the action set-pieces really stood out, featuring some nice car chases and over-the-top fight scenes. The acting was top-notch. I found Depp's affected Mortdecai extremely funny. Ewan McGregor and Gwyneth Paltrow show a real comedic flair. And Paul Bettany steals every scene he's in. Very funny stuff!

7/10

Caliber 9 (1972)

I agree - Ugo Piazza is a God!, 4 February 2017

Incredible! I haven't watched many 70s Euro-Crime films in a while, but I can't remember any being quite this good. Caliber 9 is just amazing. Almost everything about the movie is perfect. The plot is simple enough - recently released from prison, Ugo Piazza is approached by his old employers, led by the Americano, about $300,000 in cash he may have stolen and hidden. Without any other prospect, he agrees to go to work for the gang with hopes of throwing off the old suspicions. I'm seriously not going to go into any more detail - I'd hate to ruin any of the plot twists and turns for anyone who might be reading this.

Director Fernando Di Leo expertly oversees one of the more interesting films I've seen recently. The movie moves at a fantastic pace with action, interesting dialogue, and intrigue around every corner. The violence is plentiful, but not overdone (a complaint I've had in the past about some Euro-Crime films). The acting is far superior to what you'd expect in a movie of this type. Mario Adorf, Philippe Leroy, Lionel Stander, and Barbara Bouchet give some of the best performances I've ever seen from them. But, the real standout is Gastone Moschin. His steely-eyed Ugo Piazza is one of the best characters ever. The understated way Moschin plays Piazza is brilliant. Finally, I've already referred to the plot, but it is so well written, it deserves another mention. There's not a wasted scene. The final couple twists brought a real smile to my face. They're so unexpected that I was totally caught off-guard. Bravo!

Overall, Caliber 9 is a real winner. It's the kind of movie I love discovering and the reason I sit through some total garbage just hoping I'll stumble on something like this. I wish I was a real writer and could better express my feelings toward Caliber 9. I'm not, so I'll end this the way I started - incredible!

9/10

7 Golden Women Against Two 07 (1966)

Gawd Awful, 4 February 2017

I feel like I need to reevaluate every movie I've ever rated a 1/10. After watching this piece of garbage, I'm fairly certain I've rated some of those other movies too harshly. I'm not certain that 7 Golden Women Against Two 07 qualifies to even be called a movie. The plot is an absolute jumbled disaster. Something about hidden Nazi treasure, but it's only brought up when convenient. For the most part, the acting is as bad as you'll find. Mickey Hargitay is the "star", but spends most of his time groping some blond hottie. The direction and editing are about as poor as I can think of. And the comedy never - I mean NEVER - works. Overall, a complete disaster.

The only redeeming thing I can think of is part of the music. There's one tune played in the first five minutes of film and repeated a couple of times that I really enjoyed. I should have stopped after five minutes.

1/10

Romancing the Stone (1984)

"My minimum price for taking a stranded lady to a telephone is 400 dollars.", 3 February 2017

Sheltered romance writer Joan Wilder (Kathleen Turner) learns her sister has been kidnapped in Columbia. The kidnappers want a map that Wilder has in her possession that supposedly leads to a treasure known as El Corazón. But the kidnappers aren't the only party interested in the map. Colonel Zolo, head of the military police, is also after the map. Through an unfortunate series of events, Wilder ends up lost in the jungle and pins her hopes for survival on an exotic bird smuggler names Jack T Colton (Michael Douglas). Is Colton the dreamy hero of Wilder's books or is he also in it for himself and after the treasure? 

If I were to use only one word to describe Romancing the Stone, it would be "fun". This movie has been a favorite of mine since I was lucky enough to catch it in the theater way back in 1984. It was fun then and it's just as fun now. I've probably seen it a dozen or more times since 1984. Adventure, comedy, romance, danger, action – Romancing the Stone's got it all. There's a lot here to like. Robert Zemeckis' direction is spot-on. His pacing is near-flawless. The cinematography is often stunning. The jungles of Columbia are beautifully shot. Green never looked so good. While the actual hunt for the treasure doesn't play as big a role as I would prefer, it's clever and enjoyable. The movie also features some terrific acting from Kathleen Turner, Michael Douglas, Danny DeVito, and the scene stealing Alfonso Arau. I've always been especially impressed with Turner's portrayal of Joan Wilder in Romancing the Stone. She plays against type and it works. Overall, this movie's a winner.

8/10

Diamond Connection (1982)

I save the 1/10 rating for movies that are so bad they offend me in some way., 2 February 2017

I save the 1/10 rating for movies that are so bad they offend me in some way. Diamond Connection is one such movie. It's an absolute cowpie of a movie with an incomprehensible plot (I'm not even going to bother going into it), poor acting, questionable character motivation, amateurish direction, horrible editing, murky cinematography, laughable sound effects, and an 80s soundtrack that will make you want to rip your ears off. It may only be 73 minutes, but it feels more like 173 minutes with half the runtime being padded with pointless chase scenes. It's a chore to sit through. Diamond Connection is a mess. 

The film does include three "names" in its cast. Poor old Gordon Mitchell is made to look ridiculous in a Middle-Eastern keffiyeh. William Berger looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here. Finally, there's Euro-fav Barbara Bouchet. She's easily the best actor in the bunch and the lone bright spot, but even she can't save this dire disaster from being one of the absolute worst movies I've encountered.

1/10

Seven Murders for Scotland Yard (1972)

Sorry, but I'm not a fan, 1 February 2017

After watching Seven Murders for Scotland Yard a couple of weeks ago, I initially rated the movie a 5/10. As I sat down to write this, however, I couldn't remember why I had been so generous. Sitting here, I'm having trouble coming up of anything positive to write.

I'm not really sure if there are actually seven murders in the movie or not. I wasn't counting and can't be bothered to go back and look. The exact number of murders, though, is the least of the problems I have with Seven Murders for Scotland Yard. Instead, my major issue with the film is the lack of originality. For example, for a movie with seven(?) murders, they're filmed with a complete lack of imagination. We've seen it all before and usually handled better. I wasn't expecting anything as masterful as Blood and Black Lace or Tenebre, but the murder scenes here are dull and horribly predictable in execution. They all look the same – cheap and nasty (and not in a good way). In fact, the whole film looks cheap and dirty – like it was filmed through a filter of muck. 

The plot doesn't do the movie any favors either. The killer is too easy to spot right from the start. The movie includes plenty of Giallo required red herrings and plot twists, but they'e so obvious they don't work. For example, a lot of time is spent trying to make the audience think that Paul Naschy's character might be responsible for the murders. But it never works because it's too easy to see through. There might as well be a sign flashing "Red Herring" above his head. Like much of the rest of the movie, the plot is dull and lifeless.

Finally, there's the cast. I couldn't find anyone to root for. In the past, I've made no secret about my general dislike for Naschy and, with Seven Murders for Scotland Yard, nothing has changed my opinion. His character even looks like the same guy he plays in most all of his movies – leather jacket, collar-less shirt, slacks, and dress shoes. I kept waiting for him to turn into a werewolf. Again, unoriginal. And then there's Renzo Marignano as Scotland Yard Inspector Henry Campbell. His methods of investigation were laughably unbelievable. In fact, I realized about half-way through the movie that he didn't remind me of an Inspector, but instead, he reminded me of Monty Python's Graham Chapman playing a Scotland Yard Inspector. 

Overall (an unfortunately), Seven Murders for Scotland Yard is a stinker in my book.

3/10

Superseven Calling Cairo (1965)

Rosalba Neri and Fabienne Dali, 31 January 2017

A Russian agent has stolen a new radioactive metal. For reasons known only to him (and for plot purposes), the metal has been hidden in plain sight in the shape of a camera lens. Before the agent can get the metal out of Egypt, however, the camera with the special lens is sold to an unsuspecting tourist. Special agent Martin Stevens (Roger Browne) is put on the case and asked to recover the metal before it can fall into the wrong hands. 

I've seen Superseven Calling Cairo called everything from above- average to average to below-average. For me, it's easily an above- average Eurospy effort. It has a lot of the hallmarks I look for in a good spy film – locations (Egypt, Switzerland, and Italy), beautiful women (Rosalba Neri and Fabienne Dali), a suitably ruthless baddie (an ex-Nazi played by Massimo Serato), henchmen, gun play, car chases, fights, explosions, etc. The various locations and the above average cast do help hide some of the film's shortcomings. Chief among them is an obvious budge limitation when it comes to big, Bond-style set-pieces. It's hard to do anything overly elaborate on the budget Umberto Lenzi was working with on Superseven Calling Cairo. Still, it's a fun enough romp across Europe that moves at a nice pace and never feels like it overstays its welcome. I'd be happy if all Eurospy films were this enjoyable.

If I have one big complaint it's with the lead, Roger Browne. I've never found him a very exciting actor. And he's not helped here with some poorly written dialogue and bad dubbing. I could see someone like Ken Clarke making this one a real winner.

7/10

Secret of the Incas (1954)

"I've seen so many women cry it doesn't impress me anymore.", 28 January 2017

Harry Steele (Charlton Heston) is working as a tour guide of sorts in the Peru. However, his ultimate goal is the treasure he believes he can find high in the mountains at Machu Picchu. Into his life walks a woman with the answers to his prayers - a plane that can get him to the top of the mountain. But she brings something else - he falls for her. In the end, what will it be - treasure or love?

As others have pointed out, the comparisons with Indiana Jones are more than obvious - dress, map room, search for treasure, etc. When Secret of the Incas focuses on the adventure and the search for gold, it's very good. Too bad melodrama too often gets in the way of a good time - but wasn't that the case in a lot of these 50s era adventure films. Charlton Heston is quit good here and very believable. Nicole Maurey, whom I don't remember seeing before, is a revelation. One of the real stars has to be the locations. The real life Peruvian sets are spectacular. Overall, not a bad way to spend 90 minutes.

6/10

I Sailed to Tahiti with an All Girl Crew (1968)

A slow boat to Tahiti, 27 January 2017

The title, I Sailed to Tahiti with an All Girl Crew, pretty much sums up the plot. To expand just a little, in a drunken state, Gardner (Gardner McKay) bets fellow boat owner Fred (Fred Clark) that he could beat him in a race to Tahiti with the titular All Girl Crew. The stakes – Fred puts up $30,000 while the inebriated Gardner bets his boat. Once in his right-mind, Gardner realizes his chances of winning are slim. So, instead of looking for women who can actual sail, he hires his crew based on appearance. 

I Sailed to Tahiti with an All Girl Crew is a harmless enough movie, but it's not got a lot going for it. The endless scenes of boats sailing through the Pacific, while very nicely filmed, get a bit dull after a while. The humor is lame and too safe. For example, the attempt to add variety and comedy to the film with the ill- advised silent movie treatment is just plain silly. And the acting is below par. I didn't expect much from some of the female cast who were most likely hired for looks – not acting ability – but Gardner McKay is awful. He's dull, dry, and painfully uninteresting. Beyond the excellent cinematography, character actor Fred Clark (in his last role), and a surprisingly nice performance from Diane McBain (known to me from her role in The Mini-Skirt Mob), there's really not much to recommend. I haven't rated it lower because, despite all the flaws, it didn't offend my senses like some of the truly awful movies I've seen.

4/10

Matchless (1967)

A very nice cast, 26 January 2017

Newspaper reporter and would-be spy, Perry Liston (Patrick O'Neal), finds himself in a Chinese prison. He's housed with old, dying man whom he befriends. Before the old man dies, he gives Liston a ring that has the power to make him invisible. Liston escapes, makes his way to Europe, gets mixed up with a crazed villain, and, in the end, must save mankind from destruction (or something like that). 

Other than the invisibility angle, this is all pretty standard Eurospy stuff. And, it's in these moments that I really enjoyed Matchless. But, the invisibility ring and all the "hilarious" shenanigans it produces really put a damper on my enjoyment. It's all too slapstick for my taste. I enjoy a spy film with a generous helping of tongue-in- cheek, but, at times, this goes way overboard into the realm of being absurd. And that's too bad because the rest is a pretty decent movie. Of course the plot makes little sense (do plots ever make sense in these movies?) and it's all shot fairly cheaply, but it's got something about it I enjoyed. The cast is really the standout. Donald Pleasance was never better. His take on the super-villain in Matchless is as good as I've seen. He's a hoot! Joining Pleasance are the manically laughing Henry Silva and the drop-dead gorgeous Ira von Furstenberg. Supposed star Patrick O'Neal is the weakest of the main cast. And the poor dubbing/looping of his dialogue doesn't help.

Overall, Matchless is a decent Eurospy effort that's hurt by some lame attempts at humor. A wishy-washy 5/10 is about the best rating I can give it.

5/10

Electra One (1967)

A chase through Hamburg, 23 January 2017

A supervilian (who may or may not have been named – I have no idea) has created a mind-control drug and demonstrates its effects on an unsuspecting army officer. The officer is gunned down before the drug "forces" him to launch a nuclear missile. An antidote has been developed to counter the drug's effects, but the Professor responsible is assassinated. Now, the only sample of the antidote is in a briefcase held by his pretty assistant (played by Vivi Bach). The Americans, Russians, Chinese, a jewel thief, and just about everyone else wants the briefcase and the woman carrying it.

I love a good Eurospy movie as much as anyone. At one time, like a lot of people, I knocked these movies for being James Bond rip-offs without really giving them much of a chance. I no longer do that and consider many to be really enjoyable (the Ken Clarke films for example). But Electra One is a real stinker. The main problem is the plot – it's as thin as tissue paper. It's an unintelligible mess. If you want to see a movie where people chase each other for no reason you are likely to understand or care about, this is the movie for you. It's chase, chase, chase but nothing seems to get resolved. There is also a subplot about the relationship between an American agent and a Russian agent that is out of place and adds nothing to the rest of the movie. 

I suppose that star George Martin is okay, but really isn't given much to work with other than being smarmy. I was initially excited when I saw Rosalba Neri's name pop-up in the opening credits, but she literally has nothing to do. The other female lead, Bach, isn't overly memorable either. The real standout in this mess is the Hamburg shipping docks. The docks get more screen time, are better shot, and come out looking better than any of the human stars. 

Also, I don't understand how the mind-control drug in Electra One is supposed to work. You take it and suddenly you're an unstoppable machine, bent on pushing a nuclear launch button. How does that work? There's no suggestion or other direction given to the victim – just an unnatural desire to push a button. It's beyond ridiculous.

3/10

The Dude Goes West (1948)

"Man alive! Where did a DUDE learn to shoot like that?", 23 December 2015

Daniel Bone (Eddie Albert) is a New York gunsmith. Seeking greener pastures, Bone heads to a Wild West town appropriately called Arsenic City. Along the way, he meets a woman named Lisa Crockett (Gale Storm) who is also headed west seeking her fortune. She has a map that leads to her late father's goldmine. But there are others who want Crockett's map and they will do anything to get it. Fortunately for her and whether she likes it or not, Bone saves her skin time after time. 

At it's absolute worst, I'd still call The Dude Goes West harmless enough and a bit of fun. At it's best, however, it's often quite funny and gives Eddie Albert a chance to shine in a leading role. His character, Bone, is a fish out-of-water and this often leads to the funnier bits. It's very reminiscent of his character, Oliver Wendell Douglas, that he'd play 20 years later. There's a scene where Bone is lecturing the townspeople about the importance of the American judicial system that sounded straight off of Green Acres. All it needed was a fife playing in the background. Albert is joined by a very able cast featuring Storm, Gilbert Roland, and Barton MacLane. The films's pacing is nice and at only 86 minutes, it never feels tired. While the plot is often predictable, it's still fun to watch the events unfold. Some of the comedy may seem corny by today's standards, but it works just fine to me. 

Overall, a 7/10 from me.

7/10

Young Man's Fancy (1952)

Plays like a 50s era sitcom, 10 December 2015

Why all the hate? I actually quite enjoy the short Young Man's Fancy. To me, it plays a bit like a 1950s era sitcom - just a little longer. It's not perfect, but I think it's rather "sweet". The highlight for me has to be Bonnie Bakin as Judy. I'm surprised to see she didn't do more. She had a nice, all-American quality to her that worked on-screen. I love her use of the word "squishy". Another positive for me is the direction. The whole thing moves at a snappy pace. And, some of the comedy works as well in that 50s sort of way. It won't have your laughing-out-loud, but it does bring a smile to my face.

Young Man's Fancy isn't perfect by a long stretch. Problems include the friend's disturbing interest in electrical appliances (but it had to be included somehow) and some of the acting (particularly Jean Hayworth as the mother). 

Like most people, I've seen this short courtesy of MST3K. It's one of my favorite things they ever did. I'd give the MST3K treatment a 9/10, but I'm rating and writing about the short itself. And, I think it would stand-up okay on its own. I'll give it a 6/10.

6/10

Lured (1947)

"There's a homicidal maniac loose somewhere in the vast honeycomb of London.", 9 December 2015

A homicidal maniac is loose in London, murdering young women he meets through newspaper personal ads. When Lucy Barnard goes missing, her friend Sandra Carpenter (Lucille Ball) agrees to help Scotland Yard catch a killer. Along the way, however, she falls in love with number one suspect Robert Fleming (George Sanders). Despite all the evidence to the contrary, he can't be the killer, can he?

Despite all the flaws in Lured, it's just too much fun not to give it a positive rating. The cast is strong. I really enjoyed watching several of them play against character. Sanders usually played men in charge of their environment. It was interesting to watch him play a character who has lost control of his situation. Lucy is obviously best know for her work in comedy. While she a few funny moments in Lured, I was really impressed with her efforts in the more dramatic parts. George Zucco, an actor I know best playing Egyptian priests or mad scientists, gets a chance to do comedy. He's more than up to the task. Throw into the mix the talents of Boris Karloff, Charles Coburn, Sir Cedric Hardwicke, Alan Mowbray, and Alan Napier and you've got one impressive cast. 

Beyond the cast, other positives I found in Lured, include: fabulous costumes, nice cinematography, a witty script, and plenty of atmosphere. 

But as I said, Lured has it's share of flaws. Chief among them is that there's really not much of a mystery. I found it way too easy to spot the killer. And his motives are a bit muddled. If he did it because he loved Sandra, then why kill all the other women? If he did it because he loved Fleming (as some suspect), then why frame him? There's a lot of plot inconsistency. 

Finally, as much as I enjoyed watching Lucy and Karloff in their scenes together, it doesn't really fit with the rest of the movie. It almost felt like this part came from another film. These scenes really do nothing to advance the plot.

Even with the multiple problems, like I said, Lured is a fun movie. A 6/10 from me.

6/10

The Champions "The Search" #1.14 (1969) (TV)

How to steal a submarine, 9 December 2015

The Champions are called in to help find a stolen submarine carrying four nuclear missiles. A ransom demands $5 million in gold or London will be destroyed.

Overall, The Search is a good, exciting episode. We see The Champions use several of the abilities we've seen before - super-strength, super-hearing (tracking the guy through the woods at night was great), and telepathically communicating trouble. A couple new skills are presented: super-cipher (the ability to quickly calculate and change a missile's course) and, what I'm calling, super-hunches (the ability to locate a missing submarine by intuition without a shred of real evidence). The episode features some real drama in The Search as the nuclear missile is actually fired at London. At the time, I wasn't sure how they were going to work that out. A nice supporting cast, decent looking sets, and quick-paced direction make this one a winner.

I'm not sure why The Search has a low rating compared with some of the other episodes. I'm giving it a 7/10.

7/10

Magical Disappearing Money (1972)

Tries too hard to be funny, 9 December 2015

I'm rating and reviewing these educational shorts based on two factors: 1. Is the short entertaining (intentional or not)? and 2. Does the short do what it was intended to do - educate? 

So, is Magical Disappearing Money entertaining? Not really. The problem is that the short tries way too hard to be funny and generally fails. The attempts at slapstick are pretty lame. Also, I found the main character, the grocery witch, terribly unappealing. 

Was Magical Disappearing Money educational? That depends. If you're a dolt who doesn't understand basic concepts like how to read a price tag, then yes, you might learn something. But if your IQ approaches room temperature, I doubt there's much here you didn't already know.

Overall, I'll rate this one a 3/10.

3/10

Act Your Age (Emotional Maturity) (1949)

Infantile Impulses, 9 December 2015

I've watched several "educational" shorts recently and I've been thinking about how best to rate these things. I'm going to begin rating these shorts on two factors: 1. Is the short entertaining (intentional or not)? and 2. Does the short do what it was intended to do - educate? 

Is Act Your Age entertaining? Yes it is. Watching a grown man throw himself on the ground, kick his legs, and basically cry was hysterical. Other good bits included the creepy principal's conversation with the student in trouble and the ludicrous plan the boy comes up with to act his age. Unintentionally, Act Your Age is gold!

Is Act Your Age educational? I doubt it. Other than some basic woodworking skills, there's not much to learn - certainly nothing about how to control infantile impulses. Educationally, it's a waste.

Factoring in entertainment and education, I'll give this one a 5/10.

5/10

A Time for Killing (1967)

"Bentley would kill Bentley.", 9 December 2015

Toward the end of the Civil War, Union officer Maj. Tom Wolcott (Glenn Ford) is hot on the heals of a band of escaped Confederate prisoners headed for the Mexican border. The mission is especially important to Maj. Wolcott as the Confederates have kidnapped his fiancé, Emily Biddle (Inger Stevens).

Overall, A Time for Killiing is a real mixed bag with the bad generally outweighing the good. One of my chief problems is inexplicable character motivation. Characters are liable to do just about anything from scene to scene. There's no consistency, with Maj. Wolcott being one of the worst offenders. The direction and plot are also weaknesses. The direction is often flat and the script does little to provide surprises. And there are moments where scenes go from location to indoor sets that's often jarring. Add to that overly bombastic and repetitive music, inappropriate comic relief, and Max Baer, Jr., and the problems are obvious. 

Despite its problems, there are positives. Some of the acting is quite good. Ford gives his excepted quality performance. Stevens is both good and beautiful. And I was also impressed with Harry Dean Stanton (always good) and Todd Armstrong in supporting roles. Another plus is the scenery. When the production is on location, the scenery is breathtaking. 

I'm giving A Time for Killing a 4/10.

4/10

The Glass Key (1942)

"My first wife was the second cook at a third-rate joint on 4th Street.", 8 December 2015

Crooked politician Paul Madvig (Brian Donlevy) decides to go legit by riding the coattails of a respected reform candidate, Ralph Henry. Madvig is taken by Henry's daughter, Janet (Veronica Lake), but so too is Madvig's right-hand man, Ed Beaumont (Alan Ladd). Beaumont would do anything for Madvig including suppressing his feelings for Janet. Throw in the murder of Janet's brother, Madvig as suspect #1, a powerful hood Madvig double crosses, a DA who's on-the-take, a series of poison pen letters, and a brute named Jeff (William Bendix), and you've got the makings of a classic noir/mystery.

The Glass Key is the kind of movie I can watch over and over. There's always something new and fresh to pick-up on. The plot may not be as convoluted as something like The Big Sleep, but there are more than enough twists and turns to keep things interesting. The final twist at the end when the murder is revealed is very nicely handled. 

The cast in The Glass Key is very strong. Ladd and Lake's on-screen chemistry is once again on full display. Their subtle glances during their first meeting is brilliantly played. I wish they would have made a dozen more movies together. Donleavy, Joseph Calleia, and Bonita Granville are all in fine form. Bendix is an actor I've never really cared much for, but here, he's perfect. The perverse pleasure he seems to get from beating the living daylights out of Ladd is a fine piece of acting. The scene with Bendix and Ladd sharing a drink has to be one of the oddest but most compelling I can remember seeing in a long time.

Technically, I've got very few complaints. The movie looks like a million bucks. Scenes are drenched in that noirish lighting I enjoy. The film is nicely paced with few dull moments that don't advance the storyline. Stuart Heisler's direction is on-point and, as i indicated, he skillfully handles the final reveal. It''s a very well put together film.

I've got a few complaints, but most are minor. If I'm pressed to mention one it would be the final scene. A Hollywood "happily ever after" ending is just not appropriate for the twisted tale that came before.

Overall, a very fine film that I'll rate an 8/10.

8/10

Double Dynamite (1951)

"The girl, caucasian, brown hair and eyes. Height 5 -7, weight 135 pounds... extremely well distributed.", 6 December 2015

Johnny (Frank Sinatra) and Mibs (Jane Russell) are bank tellers who would like to marry, but money gets in the way. Quite by chance, Johnny saves a mysterious big-time gambler and is rewarded with $60,000. As luck would have it, at the exact same moment, a large bank outage is discovered. How can Johnny prove the money is really his and stay out of jail when he doesn't even know the name of the mane who gave it to him? 

I'd call Double Dynamite harmless enough with a couple of moments of comedy that rise to a level that makes the whole thing slightly above average. The comedy bits come from Groucho Marx. I've never really cared much for the post-Marx Bros' Grouch (and I'm including You Bet Your Life). Most of Groucho's later work is a shadow of what he did early in his career. But here, he has a few moments that are very nearly laugh-out-loud funny. The scenes where he poses as a millionaire and entertains the bank president are nicely written and staged. 

Other than Groucho, the rest of the movie is pretty routine. Sinatra is too milk-toast and Russell can't act. The musical numbers aren't overly memorable and are so infrequent they don't really fit with the rest of the film. Double Dynamite does feature a strong supporting cast including a favorite of mine, Nestor Paiva. The ending is reasonably entertaining. The discovery of the missing bank money is actually clever. 

Overall, a 6/10 from me.

6/10

Patriotism (1972)

What is Patriotism?, 6 December 2015

The purpose of this documentary is to answer the question, "What is Patriotism?", for a group of school-age children. I'm not a school- age child and I thought I knew the definition. But after watching Patriotism, I'm not so sure. According to this short and a very creepy Bob Crane, patriotism is just about anything you want it to be. Planting a tree, setting the dinner table, sharing your baseball glove, and painting a trashcan a hideous shade of yellow are four examples of patriotism. Another head-scratching answer to the question presented in the short is that patriotism is going into nature and "looking . . . really looking". Huh? Yeah, I don't get it either. 

So, does Patriotism succeed as an educational short? Well, that depends on how twisted your definition is. If you agree with the makers of this film, then, yeah it does what it sets out to do.

I've rated Patriotism a 6/10 - not because it's particularly good, but because it's very funny for all the wrong reasons.

6/10

Assault on a Queen (1966)

"I can think of 'a hundred' better ways to die!", 4 December 2015

Frank Sinatra plays a Mark Brittain, a charter boat captain operating in the Caribbean. Needing cash, he agrees to work for a group doing some treasure hunting. Instead of gold or jewels, he finds a WWII era German submarine. Just as any rational human being would, the group decides to get the sub into running order and use it to rob the Queen Mary. Makes perfect sense, right?

Overall, Assault on a Queen is a very disappointing film. The majority of the runtime can best be described as lifeless. Director Jack Donohue's direction is strictly by-the-numbers. He brings little in the way of innovation that adds interest to the proceedings. Star Frank Sinatra doesn't help as he sleepwalks his way to a paycheck. There's none of that Sinatra sparkle evident here. Most of the rest of the cast seemed to be just as disinterested. It's a shame - with Sinatra, Richard Conte, Anthony Franciosa, Alf Kjellin, and the gorgeous Virna Lisi, I expected better. Throw in an insanely ludicrous plot and you've got the recipe for a real loser.

I'll give this one a generous 4/10.

4/10

The Champions "Twelve Hours" #1.13 (1968) (TV)

Richard and Sharron go underwater, 3 December 2015

Richard and Sharron are asked to serve as bodyguards for an Eastern European leader, Drobnic, and his wife. Their schedule of activities while in the UK includes a submarine tour and ride. Richard and Sharron are unaware of the fact that a group hostile to Drobnic have placed explosives on the sub. The explosives are detonated sending the stricken sub to the bottom. With a limited oxygen supply, The Champions have just 12 hours to save everyone on board.

As my rating clearly indicates, I do not agree with the other IMDb reviewer when it comes to Twelve Hours. My biggest problem: I found much of the plot rather boring. After a great set-up where the terrorists plant the explosives, it doesn't work too well for me. The attempts to create suspense and drama felt forced. For example, after the sub sinks, almost every crew member immediately begins calling for Richard's head. None act as if they've received crises or disaster training. In reality, I would think more would have been on Richard's side. It all has a very manufactured type feeling to it. As a result, I cannot call Twelve Hours anything better than average - hence my average 5/10 rating.

5/10

Drawing for Beginners: The Rectangle (1949)

Beyond Pointless, 3 December 2015

I've seen a lot of these educational shorts over the years, but Drawing for Beginners: The Rectangle has to be most pointless topic ever put on film. Really? Is it that complicated? It seems to me that if you have the manual dexterity to operate a pencil, you can draw a rectangle. Four straight lines connected with right angles - pretty hard stuff, huh? And if I remember correctly, there was at least one (maybe two) technical advisers listed in the opening credits. To make things even more bizarre, the short doesn't necessarily seem to be aimed at young children who might not know what a rectangle is, but more toward older people who would want to incorporate a rectangle in their drawings. It's really beyond pointless!

I haven't rated Drawing for Beginners: The Rectangle any lower than a 5 because, as you can probably imagine, there's a lot of unintentional fun to be had. And, the short is successful in that it does accomplish what it set out to do - teach someone how to draw a rectangle.

5/10

Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff (1949)

"You're going to commit suicide if it's the last thing you do!", 2 December 2015

Two things I just love - old murder mystery movies and Boris Karloff. Put them together, throw in Abbott and Costello, and you've got a winner. While I don't rate this as high as A&C's similarly themed Who Done It?, it's still a whole lot of fun. In this one, A&C are working in a hotel that's become the scene of a murder. Costello (playing Freddie Phillips) becomes prime suspect number one. But the hotel has several other strange, mysterious types on-hand, including the mystic Swami Talpur. Can Bud and Lou find the killer before they're killed themselves?

This isn't deep - it's just good old-fashioned fun. While some of A&C's jokes may miss their mark, enough hit to make it very funny. There are bits and pieces here as good as any you'll find in any other A&C film. One of my favorite moments has to be watching the great Boris Karloff working with Costello in the hypnosis scene. What a blast! The final chase/confrontation in the underground cavers is nicely filmed and includes a moment or two of real suspense. I've got no problem at all rating this one a 7/10.

7/10