The Journey: Absolution (1997)

Like watching a Calvin Klein underwear commercial, 26 September 2019

I usually start one of these with a brief plot summary.  I think I’ll skip that with The Journey: Absolution. Like the film’s title, the plot is pretty much an indescribable, nonsensical mess.  Something about a secret military training facility in the Arctic. Mario Lopez is sent in (I think) to investigate reports of a missing soldier.  And then, out of the blue, the plot switches to full on sci-fi with aliens trying to come through an interstellar gate to take over Earth or something.  Whatever! In reality, though, the movie’s main purpose seems to be to show a bunch of hunky, good looking, sweaty guys in their underwear. It was more like watching a Calvin Klein commercial than a movie.

Beyond the ridiculous lack of a coherent plot, just about everything else is equally bad.  My chief complaint is the acting. Mario Lopez is plain old horrible. His accent comes and goes and his delivery is beyond awkward.  Richard Greico is so bad he’s laughable. He over-acts every scene like his life depended on it. As for Jaime Pressly - she’s in the movie (and that’s the kindest thing I’ll say about any of the acting).  In short, The Journey Absolution is a complete disaster. 

One last thing, I did get a chuckle out of the number of times Pressly’s character was able to sneak into the top secret military base.  That’s some awesome security!

2/10 

Trucker’s Woman (1975)

Poor from start to finish, 26 September 2019

Truck driver Mike Kelly is sure his father’s death was no accident.  He sets out to prove his crooked boss had a hand in the accident.

This cheap, poorly made movie is barely worth writing about.  Just about everything in Truckers Woman (or the more apt title, Truckin’ Man)  is bottom-of-the barrel - production values, acting, sets, sound . . . you name it and it’s probably pretty bad.  And unlike a lot of movies of this ilk, it’s not sleazy enough to even be a good exploitation film. I will, however, give Trucker’s Woman credit on two fronts.  First, when it comes to the characters Mike Kelly and Karen Fontaine, they’re relationship is somewhat oddly compelling. Second, the music fits perfectly with the film.  A low-budget trucking movie set in the South should have a whiney, twangy country music soundtrack.  

2/10

Tarzan’s Magic Fountain (1949)

Lex Barker takes over as Tarzan, 25 September 2019

Tarzan learns that a female aviator who crashed in the jungle a couple of decades ago may hold the key to helping a man wrongly accused of a crime.  Not only does Tarzan know the woman, he knows where to find her. Everyone is shocked when the woman returns looking as young as she did the day she crash landed.  But what’s her secret to seemingly eternal youth? And to what lengths will some people go to get that secret? 

After watching Johnny Weissmuller labor through his last Tarzan outing, Lex Barker was certainly a welcome sight.  For his first Tarzan adventure, RKO gave Barker quite a bit to work with in Tarzan’s Magic Fountain. Even though everything is obviously stage-bound, the jungle and mountain sets are far better than I expected given RKO’s most recent history with the Tarzan series.  There are a couple of especially nice matte paintings that add to the film’s look. The movie includes moments of danger (rainwater suddenly and violently filling the gorge where Jane and Co find themselves trapped) and violence (a burning arrow to the chest) that add to the atmosphere and tension.  Nicely done! The supporting cast is solid with Evelyn Ankers and Alan Napier providing notable performances. Finally, I wasn’t a bit surprised to learn that Curt Siodmak was, at least partially, responsible for the screenplay. It’s just more interesting than a lot of the previous Tarzan films. 

A few other quick things I noted while watching Tarzan’s Magic Fountain:

1.    Yet another all white tribe in the middle of Africa.   The only black Africans I can remember are a couple of kids who keep Cheeta entertained for a few moments with bubble gum.

 2.   What was up with those crazy leopard-print headbands worn by the Blue Valley guards?  They looked ridiculous.

 3.   When Cheeta drinks from the magic fountain, why does she turns into a small monkey and not a baby chimpanzee?

6/10

The Train Robbers (1973)

“Don’t ever get old; you’ll live to regret it.”  24 September 2019

Lane (John Wayne) and his crew are hired by a widow, Mrs Lowe (Ann-Margret), to find the gold her husband stole.  She says she intends to return the gold to clear his name. Mrs Lowe knows where the gold is hidden, so finding it won’t be difficult.  The hard part will be eluding the two-dozen or so gunmen hot on their trail.

I’d call The Train Robbers a fairly average movie that is elevated by some magnificent cinematography (the Mexican landscape looks amazing) and a twist ending that caught me completely off guard.  Otherwise, there’s really not much here to make this one special. I’ll give John Wayne some credit, though – despite the obvious physical discomfort, he gives it his all. Ann-Margret is mostly wasted in a role that could have been played by just about anyone.  It’s the most un-Ann-Margret role I’ve ever seen her in. Wonder what made her want to spend a few weeks in the Mexican desert? The rest of the cast is okay, but not terribly memorable. The music is a bit over-ambitious. Listening to it, you’d think you were watching one of the most epic films ever made.  The Train Robbers also suffers from some sluggish pacing. There are far too many scenes of people endlessly riding horses or sitting around campfires. But, when the action does come, it’s intense and quite well done. The shootout in and around the train wreckage being a good example. Finally, I don’t know if it was purposeful or just a coincidence, but the movie had a very Leone/Morricone sort of start that reminded of Once Upon a Time in the West.  Lots of scenes with not much happening other than the occasional natural sound.   

6/10

Sahara (2005)

“No, I only know how to say, ‘I don’t speak English’ in English.” 23 September 2019

Adventurer and treasure hunter Dirk Pitt (Matthew McConaughey) and partner Al Giordino (Steve Zahn) find themselves in the desert of West Africa searching for a Civil War-era ironclad ship.  They cross paths with a UN doctor, Eva Rojas (Penelope Cruz), looking for the source of a mysterious African plague. They eventually agree to work together but are thwarted at every turn by a ruthless warlord who wants neither to succeed. 

If you look up the definition of “popcorn movie” in the dictionary, it should just read “See Sahara”.  The plot is ludicrous, the explosions are numerous, the action rarely lets up, and the one-liners are ever present.  In short, Sahara is one fun film. The acting is better than you’d expect from a movie like this. McConaughey, Zahn, and Cruz are all more than capable of carrying a movie on their own.  Combined, they’re a real treat to watch. The cinematography is often quite stunning. The West African landscapes are gorgeous. Another plus for me is that Sahara is fairly family friendly.  It’s the kind of movie I can watch with my 7 year-old and not worry. If I’ve got one complaint, at over 2 hours, it runs a bit long. Editing out about 10 – 15 minutes would have made Sahara a real winner. 

I understand that had Sahara done better at the box office, it might have led to a whole Dirk Pitt series of movies.  Too bad it didn’t work out. 

7/10