Satan’s Triangle (1975) (TV)

Fantastic ending,  31 October 2019

I’m finding Satan’s Triangle a difficult one to summarize without giving too much away.  The story involves a botched rescue attempt on a yacht in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle.  The sole survivor, Eva (Kim Novak), spends the night relaying the mystery and horror of what happened to her fellow passengers to Coast Guardsman Lt Haig (Doug McClure).  Haig believes he has a rational explanation for everything, but is he right or are there evil forces at work?

Man, do I ever love these 70s made-for-TV movies!  Satan’s Triangle might not be the best of the bunch, but it’s a good one.  It’s one of those movies, though, that you have to stick with. The middle part can get a bit dry.  I was half-tempted to turn it off, but decided to stick it out. And what a good choice that was! The payoff at the end is fantastic.  The twist in the final few minutes completely caught me off guard and made the whole thing a memorable and rewarding experience. It’s a haunting, surprising, and amazing finale that sticks with you long after you’ve finished watching.

Even though I’ve described much of Satan’s Triangle as “dry”, Kim Novak really does a good job in these scenes with what she has to work with.  Her somber recollections are chilling. When she says, “there’s no way off this damn boat”, you believe her. It’s just so delightfully creepy. I also very much enjoyed Alehandro Rey as the priest in Eva’s story.  Rey’s acting range throughout the film is impressive.

6/10

The Spiral Staircase (1975)

Even the actors looked bored,  29 October 2019

I really can’t be bothered to write my own plot summary for The Spiral Staircase.  It’s just not worth it. Instead, here’s the IMDb plot summary: “Helen has been incapable of speech since seeing her husband die - will she become the target of a deranged serial killer targeting disabled people?”

The Spiral Staircase really shouldn’t be this bad.  It features a fairly strong cast (including Christopher Plummer and Jacqueline Bisset), a director capable of making a solid film (see Peter Collinson’s The Italian Job), a nice set, some promising plot ideas, and what I’m going to guess was a decent sized budget.  But, unfortunately, nothing works.  

The main problem I had was with the plot - it’s a disaster.  First, there are absolutely no surprises if you’re paying the least bit of attention.  The killer all but announces himself early on. As I watched, I thought there must be a twist near the end - it couldn’t be that obvious.  But, no, I was wrong - it really is that obvious. Second, the plot is terribly dull. Director Collinson drags us from one deathly dull scene to the next.  And he’s filled the film with pointless plot threads that go nowhere other than adding minutes to the run-time. There’s no life or excitement anywhere. You can see the boredom etched on the actors’ faces.  There are scenes where Bisset looks about as bored as I was. Third, there are numerous inconsistencies in the plot. Take Gayle Hunnicutt’s Blanche with her over-the-top Southern accent. Instead of a mystery/thriller, Blanche seems to be in her own Southern Gothic romance.  Or take the death of the caretaker. He’s killed in a driving, gully-washing rainstorm, yet our killer is perfectly dry the very next time we see him. It’s sloppy film making.  

I’ll stop.  I think I’ve made my point - This version of The Spiral Staircase isn’t worthy of the title.

 3/10

Lovejoy “The Real Thing” #1.7 (1986) (TV)

“Lovejoy, you scumbag! You owe me a spiral staircase!”  29 October 2019

In this episode, Lovejoy is involved in two different plot threads involving two different fraudsters.  In the first, larger story, Lovejoy has been hired by a man named Palmer (Ray Lonnen) to help open a new antique mall.  Lovejoy smells a rat and sets out to prove Palmer isn’t who or what he claims to be. In the second, a local shopkeeper is caught up in a scam involving a forged painting.  Lovejoy decides to turn the tables and scam the scammer.   

Lovejoy is a unique character.  On the one hand, we’re on his side as he takes on forgers and scammers.  On the other hand, we root for him when he’s the one doing the forging and scamming.  Watching The Real Thing, we can’t wait for Lovejoy to expose the smug Palmer for what he really is.  But just a few minutes earlier, we loved watching Lovejoy get one over on Gimbert, when, by lying through his teeth, he basically steals a spiral staircase.  I’ve never thought about it before, but I suppose that makes Lovejoy something of a Robin Hood.

Anyway, The Real Thing is another nice episode.  It’s all just so leisurely paced, with interesting bits of mid-80s England on display.  Of the two plot threads, I enjoyed the smaller one the most. The way Lovejoy gets back at the fraudsters, using their own scam and greed against them, is a treat to watch unfold.  Another big plus for the episode is Ray Lonnen. He’s fantastic as Palmer. He’s just so perfectly arrogant and slimy that it’s a pleasure to watch him get his in the end.  

7/10

Jack Frost (1997)

“Bah humbug.”  26 October 2019

Riding in the back of a prison transport, the van carrying prisoner Jack Frost is involved in an accident on a snowy road.  During the accident, Jack is thrown from the vehicle, doused with experimental genetic material, and disintegrates into the snow.  But as the residents of Snowmonton come to learn, Jack’s not dead. His DNA has somehow bonded with the genetic material and the snow.  Jack’s back and looking for revenge as a killer snowman.     

I’m determined to keep this short, because I think I could write a book on the many problems I have with Jack Frost.  I have a friend whose opinion on movies I generally trust. He loves Jack Frost. Well, different strokes and all that, but I found Jack Frost to be one of the most infuriatingly bad movies I’ve ever seen.  It’s not funny (at no time did I as much as smile), it’s not creepy, and it’s not interesting in any way at all. Instead, it’s full of lame one-liners spit out by the most ridiculous looking snowman imaginable.  I guess that one of my biggest issues is that it tries too hard to be a “so bad it’s good” movie. It’s “cheesiness” doesn’t feel organic. Instead, it feels forced. The “best” bad movies are those that are bad without trying.  There’s charm to the ineptitude. Instead, Jack Frost is just an annoying dumpster fire of a movie.

2/10