13 Frightened Girls (1963)

Not that good, but not that bad either, 1 October 2018

The quick pitch:  Candy, the daughter of a US diplomat, uses her position at an all-girls’ school to spy on her friends’ fathers and the goings on at their respective embassies.  What at first seems like harmless fun goes horribly wrong when a Chinese assassin is sent in to put a stop to Candy’s shenanigans.

I wouldn’t call 13 Frightened Girls all that good, but I wouldn’t call it all that bad either.  The film kind of feels like Disney took a stab at making a Eurospy film. I could easily see someone like Hayley Mills in the title role.  It’s all harmless enough fun, but it does lack any real bite. Even when lead-girl Candy is in danger, you know it’ll all turn out all right.  Take the scene where the Chinese baddies are searching for Candy in the room full of suitcases. It’s downright silly. However, I don’t think the film is the disaster some reviews would have you believe.  I think the movie gets a knock because of the marketing, the title, and the William Castle name. It’s nowhere near as lurid or suspenseful as the trailer or poster art would have you believe.

A couple of other things:  First, I got a kick out of seeing Alexandra Bastedo (who would later appear in The Champions) in the background as “England”.   Second, I’m really surprised to see that Kathy Dunn didn’t have more of a career in acting. Whether you like the movie or not, I think Dunn did an outstanding job as Candy.

5/10

Neutron the Atomic Superman vs the Death Robots (1962)

You just gotta love these 60s-era lucha movies!, 28 September 2018

The quick pitch:  Masked luchador and superhero Neutron must do battle with the mad Dr. Caronte and his band of zombie-like creatures if he is to save the world from a neutron bomb.

You just gotta love these 60s-era lucha movies!  I readily admit that Neutron the Atomic Superman vs the Death Robots isn’t a good movie by any normal standards.  Neutron comes across a bit like the poor, red-headed stepchild of the better known Santo films. Everything about the movie - acting, sets, lighting, special effects, direction, pacing, cinematography, script, fight choreography - it all scrapes the bottom of the proverbial barrell.  And to make things even worse, the movie features some of the worst dubbing I’ve ever heard. It sounds like you took the dialogue and converted it into about a dozen languages before you finally hit on English. It’s pretty poor. But despite all that, Neutron the Atomic Superman vs the Death Robots is just bizarre enough and just fun enough to make it worth watching.  From Dr. Caronte’s over-the-top pronouncements to the ridiculous way the bomb is planted at the airport to the silly looking death robots to the unibrowed mini-me named Nick, there’s something to be seen and experienced around most every corner.

5/10

Scream 4 (2011)

"You hang up on me and I'll cut through your neck until I feel bone!", 24 September 2018

I missed Scream 4 when it was originally released about 7 years ago.  Over the weekend, I finally caught up with the latest on Ghostface, Deputy Dewey, Gail Weathers , and everyone’s favorite victim, Sidney Prescott.  So how was it? Much better than I could have imagined - and a huge improvement over Scream 3. If you just go with it, it can be a lot of fun.

I’ll start at the beginning - I’ve read a number of negative things regarding Scream 4’s cold opening, but it worked for me.  It takes the whole concept of “meta” and ramps it up a few notches. Stab 7 opening with scenes from Stab 6 (or is that the other way around) was about as clever as I could have hoped.  An added bonus was watching Anna Paquin and Kristen Bell in small (but bloody) parts.

After the opening, the main parts of the film flow nicely with heaping helpings of action, mystery, and thrills.  Being a Scream film, there’s also plenty of comedy and, fortunately, most worked. Sure, there are a number of annoying monologues from pretentious characters I just wanted to see die, but overall, the tone and feel is very similar to the first Scream.  There aren’t any death scenes in Scream 4 that I found particularly innovative (in fact a couple harken back to the original), but they are all appropriately violent and bloody. The new characters, especially those played by Emma Roberts and Hayden Panettiere, fit in nicely.  I even got a kick out of Marley Shelton’s Deputy Judy. The final reveal worked on me in that I was surprised. I’m not sure the reasonsing is very sound, but the “Who done it?” aspect was enjoyable enough.

I do, however, have a couple of problems with Scream 4 - chief among them is that finale in the hospital.  I know that I said if you just go with Scream 4, it’s fun. However, the last bit in the hospital takes things way too far and gets a tad ridiculous.  Still, overall it’s a fun film is you don’t take it too serious (like I seem to have done with the ending).

An easy 7/10 from me.

7/10

The Brasher Doubloon (1947)

"A coin. A rare gold coin called the Brasher Doubloon.", 21 September 2018

The Brasher Doubloon plays a lot like a cross between another Marlowe adventure, The Big Sleep, and The Maltese Falcon.  It’s nowhere near as good as either of these movies, but the similarities are unmistakable. My pithy plot summary goes something like this:  Philip Marlowe (George Montgomery) is hired by an eccentric old woman to find a missing coin known as the Brasher Doubloon. Marlowe’s client is less than forthcoming and he doesn’t have a lot to go on.  Between the old woman, her mysterious secretary, her spoiled son, and the dead bodies that start piling up as he investigates, Marlowe’s got a lot to figure out.

As should be obvious from my rating (6/10), I enjoyed The Brasher Doubloon.  However, I’m going to spend the rest of my ramblings discussing a couple of things that I didn’t like about the film.  First, George Montgomery makes for a pretty poor Marlowe. He’s not as tough talking or acting as he should be. He’s also got something of a slight build to him that doesn’t work.  He’s so . . . well, he’s so blah that it’s hard to take him serious. In short, he’s no Humphrey Bogart.

Second, The Brasher Doubloon feels terribly rushed.  The runtime of less than 75 minutes really hurts the film.  The plot never has enough time to live and breath. There’s not enough time for interesting plot developments or red herrings that go nowhere.  Take The Big Sleep as a comparison. The Big Sleep takes its sweet time with twists and turns that create a more interesting world for the mystery to unfold.  It’s much more than A leads to B which leads to C - wrap it up, mystery solved. Heck, Marlowe finds the coin before the movie’s half over. It took Sam Spade a lot longer than 75 minutes to get his hands on the black bird.

I guess that what I’m trying to say is that given more time and a better lead, The Brasher Doubloon could have been a real winner.  The rest of the elements are in place - an above average director in John Brahm, a nice supporting cast, solid cinematography, and interesting writing.  Overall, a good film, but a wasted opportunity.

6/10

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

"Somebody kill me, please!",  20 September 2018

After prom, four friends end up lost in the middle of nowhere Texas.  They crash their car and are forced to set off on foot to look for help.  Unfortunately for our heroes, they’re stranded in the wrong place. They’ll spend the night fighting for their lives against a crazed family of killers.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (TCM:TNG) is another of those movies that I really, really want to like (I’ve got something of a man-crush on Matthew McConaughey).  Until last night, I hadn’t seen the movie in at least 10 years. I sat down hoping I was wrong and it would work this time. If anything, TCM:TNG is worse than I remembered.

There are scores of problems I could write about, but the main one is the film’s plot - or more precisely, the lack of a plot.  There’s really not much here that resembles a coherent story. It’s a mish-mash of recycled ideas, attempts at humor, story elements involving a secret governmental-whatever that come out of nowhere, and generally poor filmmaking.  Add it all up and it’s one big disaster. It’s amazing to sit and watch a film with the words Texas Chainsaw Massacre in the title and not find one scary or suspenseful moment. Take McConaughey’s introduction as Vilmer as an example.  The movie sees fit to leave the viewer in suspense about Vilmer’s intentions for no more than 10 seconds before he’s revealed to be a bad guy. Why not let the character be something of a mystery for a while so that when he makes his murderous tendencies known, it’s a surprise?  But no, that might have made for an interesting plot twist and you can’t have anything like that in TCM:TNG.

A well deserved 3/10 from me.  

3/10

Jason X (2001)

"Oh, this sucks on so many levels!", 19 September 2018

I’ll start this with my extremely short plot summary (not that it matters much):  400 years in the future, Jason finds himself aboard a spacecraft where he (surprise, surprise) starts butchering everyone in sight.

Until last night, the only other time I’d seen Jason X was about 15 years ago.  I hated it. For reasons I cannot explain, I decided to give it another go to see if my opinion had changed any at all.  The short answer is: No - I still hate it. I’m a huge fan of the Friday the 13th series, but I cannot stomach Jason X. You might think that by taking Jason into space, you’d come up with some new, original ideas.  Well, you’d be wrong. There’s very little new in Jason X that we haven’t seen before. The lack of imagination is staggering. And the few things that are new (like Uber Jason) are so ridiculous, it’s insulting. Stupid characters played by bad actors, bottom-of-the-barrel special effects, a complete lack of tension or suspense - it’s all so bad that my 2/10 rating feels generous.

A few very random thoughts:
- Are there any lights on this spaceship?  Why would you go looking for a hulking killer in the dark?  

- Who could have imagined that female scientists in the future would dress like today’s highschool girls?  And who knew that scientists in 2455 would act just like over-sexed 1980s-era teenagers?
- The “space marines” are beyond useless.  Here’s an idea - why not split up while searching for Jason?  It makes it easier for him to kill you one at a time.
- Like a lot of other people, I did enjoy the Holodeck scene.  It’s the only clever thing in the whole movie.
- Finally, I’m just guessing, but I can only assume the Jason X screenwriters watched Aliens and Terminator one too many times.

2/10

Wicked Woman (1953)

A trashy, good time, 18 September 2018

Wicked Woman doesn’t waste any time getting started.  Billie Nash (Beverly Michaels) blows into town, finds a room to rent, meets her creepy neighbor, takes a job serving drinks in a bar, and sets her sights on Matt Bannister (Richard Egan), the bar’s owner and her key to money and Mexico.  That’s the basic set-up - the rest is a trashy, good time.

Wicked Woman is a perfect example of making an entertaining film with no money.  Everything looks cheap, but it hardly matters. In fact, the cheap look only adds to the overall tone and tawdry feeling.  Director Russell Rouse and screenwriter Clarence Greene really get a lot of the $1.95 budget they had to work with. Beverly Michaels is a revelation.  Her Billie, with that super slo-mo sashay, is perfect as the titular Wicked Woman. She oozes cheap sensuality. And, you’d have little difficulty believing she’d easily do away with Bannister’s wife if it meant she gets what she wants.  The rest of the cast is just as good with Egan, Percy Helton, and Evelyn Scott all giving nice performances.

My biggest complaint with Wicked Woman is the film’s ending.  I really wanted to see everything blow-up spectacularly in Billie’s face.  Billie never really gets what she deserves. And the way Bannister’s wife so easily forgives him doesn’t ring true.  Bannister should also have suffered more. Still, these are minor quibbles. In the end, Wicked Woman is a rock solid little trashy B-noir that I easily recommend.

7/10