Trucker’s Woman (1975)

Poor from start to finish, 26 September 2019

Truck driver Mike Kelly is sure his father’s death was no accident.  He sets out to prove his crooked boss had a hand in the accident.

This cheap, poorly made movie is barely worth writing about.  Just about everything in Truckers Woman (or the more apt title, Truckin’ Man)  is bottom-of-the barrel - production values, acting, sets, sound . . . you name it and it’s probably pretty bad.  And unlike a lot of movies of this ilk, it’s not sleazy enough to even be a good exploitation film. I will, however, give Trucker’s Woman credit on two fronts.  First, when it comes to the characters Mike Kelly and Karen Fontaine, they’re relationship is somewhat oddly compelling. Second, the music fits perfectly with the film.  A low-budget trucking movie set in the South should have a whiney, twangy country music soundtrack.  

2/10

Tarzan’s Magic Fountain (1949)

Lex Barker takes over as Tarzan, 25 September 2019

Tarzan learns that a female aviator who crashed in the jungle a couple of decades ago may hold the key to helping a man wrongly accused of a crime.  Not only does Tarzan know the woman, he knows where to find her. Everyone is shocked when the woman returns looking as young as she did the day she crash landed.  But what’s her secret to seemingly eternal youth? And to what lengths will some people go to get that secret? 

After watching Johnny Weissmuller labor through his last Tarzan outing, Lex Barker was certainly a welcome sight.  For his first Tarzan adventure, RKO gave Barker quite a bit to work with in Tarzan’s Magic Fountain. Even though everything is obviously stage-bound, the jungle and mountain sets are far better than I expected given RKO’s most recent history with the Tarzan series.  There are a couple of especially nice matte paintings that add to the film’s look. The movie includes moments of danger (rainwater suddenly and violently filling the gorge where Jane and Co find themselves trapped) and violence (a burning arrow to the chest) that add to the atmosphere and tension.  Nicely done! The supporting cast is solid with Evelyn Ankers and Alan Napier providing notable performances. Finally, I wasn’t a bit surprised to learn that Curt Siodmak was, at least partially, responsible for the screenplay. It’s just more interesting than a lot of the previous Tarzan films. 

A few other quick things I noted while watching Tarzan’s Magic Fountain:

1.    Yet another all white tribe in the middle of Africa.   The only black Africans I can remember are a couple of kids who keep Cheeta entertained for a few moments with bubble gum.

 2.   What was up with those crazy leopard-print headbands worn by the Blue Valley guards?  They looked ridiculous.

 3.   When Cheeta drinks from the magic fountain, why does she turns into a small monkey and not a baby chimpanzee?

6/10

The Train Robbers (1973)

“Don’t ever get old; you’ll live to regret it.”  24 September 2019

Lane (John Wayne) and his crew are hired by a widow, Mrs Lowe (Ann-Margret), to find the gold her husband stole.  She says she intends to return the gold to clear his name. Mrs Lowe knows where the gold is hidden, so finding it won’t be difficult.  The hard part will be eluding the two-dozen or so gunmen hot on their trail.

I’d call The Train Robbers a fairly average movie that is elevated by some magnificent cinematography (the Mexican landscape looks amazing) and a twist ending that caught me completely off guard.  Otherwise, there’s really not much here to make this one special. I’ll give John Wayne some credit, though – despite the obvious physical discomfort, he gives it his all. Ann-Margret is mostly wasted in a role that could have been played by just about anyone.  It’s the most un-Ann-Margret role I’ve ever seen her in. Wonder what made her want to spend a few weeks in the Mexican desert? The rest of the cast is okay, but not terribly memorable. The music is a bit over-ambitious. Listening to it, you’d think you were watching one of the most epic films ever made.  The Train Robbers also suffers from some sluggish pacing. There are far too many scenes of people endlessly riding horses or sitting around campfires. But, when the action does come, it’s intense and quite well done. The shootout in and around the train wreckage being a good example. Finally, I don’t know if it was purposeful or just a coincidence, but the movie had a very Leone/Morricone sort of start that reminded of Once Upon a Time in the West.  Lots of scenes with not much happening other than the occasional natural sound.   

6/10

Sahara (2005)

“No, I only know how to say, ‘I don’t speak English’ in English.” 23 September 2019

Adventurer and treasure hunter Dirk Pitt (Matthew McConaughey) and partner Al Giordino (Steve Zahn) find themselves in the desert of West Africa searching for a Civil War-era ironclad ship.  They cross paths with a UN doctor, Eva Rojas (Penelope Cruz), looking for the source of a mysterious African plague. They eventually agree to work together but are thwarted at every turn by a ruthless warlord who wants neither to succeed. 

If you look up the definition of “popcorn movie” in the dictionary, it should just read “See Sahara”.  The plot is ludicrous, the explosions are numerous, the action rarely lets up, and the one-liners are ever present.  In short, Sahara is one fun film. The acting is better than you’d expect from a movie like this. McConaughey, Zahn, and Cruz are all more than capable of carrying a movie on their own.  Combined, they’re a real treat to watch. The cinematography is often quite stunning. The West African landscapes are gorgeous. Another plus for me is that Sahara is fairly family friendly.  It’s the kind of movie I can watch with my 7 year-old and not worry. If I’ve got one complaint, at over 2 hours, it runs a bit long. Editing out about 10 – 15 minutes would have made Sahara a real winner. 

I understand that had Sahara done better at the box office, it might have led to a whole Dirk Pitt series of movies.  Too bad it didn’t work out. 

7/10

Downton Abbey (2019)

My completely biased opinion, 21 September 2019

The King and Queen come to Downton, which quite naturally leads to a lot of harried preparations and excitement - both upstairs and downstairs. 

I admit that my 9/10 is very generous and most likely overstating things a bit.  But as much as I loved the show, I cannot be unbiased. For me, Downton Abbey ticked all the right boxes.   As a fan, it’s a feel good movie from start to finish. The characters, the relationships, the majesty, the heart, the laughs (Maggie Smith is laugh-out-loud funny), the house, the music, the beauty of it all - it’s all here.  There’s no way I wasn’t going to love it.  

But, as much as I loved Downton Abbey, it’s not perfect.  First, Julian Fellowes and Company tried to do too much. There’s not enough time for all of the little plot threads the movie contains.  To cram in everything they tried to, it would have needed to be filmed as seventh season - not a two hour movie. Second, I cannot imagine going into this movie without having seen the series.  It’s not so much a movie as it is a gift to the fans. Downton Abbey isn’t really much of a standalone movie.  

As I’ve said repeatedly, for me, it’s all about entertainment.  And I was completely entertained throughout.  

9/10

Tarzan and the Mermaids (1948)

Tarzan takes a Mexican vacation, 20 September 2019

Tarzan sets out to rescue a woman named Mara who has been promised in marriage to her people’s god, Balu. 

Watching Tarzan and the Mermaids is kind of sad.  This would be Weissmuller’s last Tarzan adventure and it was probably a good thing.  Weissmuller was long past the age and physical condition required to pull of the Tarzan role with any sense of realism.  He still looks okay in some of the swimming scenes, but it’s difficult to watch him run and climb. You can see him struggle.  Time catches up with everyone – including Tarzan.

What a dud to go out on!  It’s been a while since I last watched all of the other Weissmuller Tarzan films, but from what I recollect, Tarzan and the Mermaids is the worst.  The plot is paper thin and realistically takes up no more than a third of the 68 minute runtime. Tarzan (or anyone for that matter) could have put a stop to the bad guys’ plan in about 10 minutes.  The rest of the film is filled with some of the most ridiculous padding imaginable – much of it featuring an uber-annoying singing jungle mailman. There’s really not much of a movie here.

One of the funnier aspects of Tarzan and the Mermaids is the filming location.  I almost laughed out loud when Tarzan and Co enter a river cave in “Africa” and come out in Acapulco!

4/10

The Hardy Boys / Nancy Drew Mysteries “The Lady on Thursday at Ten” #2.13 (1978) (TV)

Goodbye Nancy Drew, 19 September 2019

After dropping her father at the airport, Nancy gets lost on her way home.  She makes a wrong turn and hits a guy. The next day, Nancy heads to the local precinct as instructed to make her report, but there’s no record of an accident.  In fact, the police officer she spoke to the night before doesn’t exist. Nancy, quite naturally, sets out to investigate.

What a sorry way to send off Pamela Sue Martin.  The Lady on Thursday at Ten has a multitude of problems, including poor direction, lazy editing, and distractingly bad ADR work.  The absurd plot turns Nancy into an idiot, while making the bad guys look like magicians. The way they were able to clean-up all traces of Nancy’s wreck in one night is nothing short of a miracle.  By the time the episode’s finale rolled around, I had lost all interest in what was going on. It’s as if the people behind the show couldn’t have cared less about the quality of what they were churning out.  Overall, it’s pretty much a disaster.

I really hate that Martin went out with such a whimper.  Some of her Season 1 episodes are very well made and incredibly entertaining.  Instead of this piece of garbage, judge Nancy Drew and Pamela Sue Martin by episodes like The Mystery of Pirate’s Cove, A Haunting We Will Go, or, my favorite, The Secret of the Whispering Walls. 

3/10