Peeper (1975)

Peeper?  I’ve never heard a PI called a “Peeper”, 7 April 2020

Bumbling PI Leslie C Tucker (Michael Caine) is hired to track down a little girl who was adopted many years ago.  Her real father has an inheritance he wants to pass on to her. He tracks the girl to a wealthy family, but there are two daughters.  Which of the sisters was adopted? And of course, there are others who would do just about anything to get their hands on the loot.  

Peeper is supposedly a film noir spoof.  I say “supposedly” because you would expect a spoof to be funny.  Watching Peeper, not only did I not laugh, I don’t think I even smiled.  The script isn’t anywhere near as clever and witty as it thinks it is. The jokes fall flat.  In fact, flat is a pretty good adjective to use to describe the whole thing. The comedy is flat.  The action is flat. The mystery is flat. The acting is flat. Caine is fine, but he’s given an abysmal script to work with.  It doesn’t help much that he has about zero on-screen chemistry with co-star Natalie Wood. Even their scenes together are, well, they’re also flat.

Another big problem I had with Peeper is how cheap it all seems.  The film is set in the 1940s. Instead, Peeper looks like a poorly dressed film that can’t hide its 1970s origins.  Rarely did anything have an authentic 1940s feel. The supporting cash doesn’t help any either. It’s not necessarily their fault, but Michael Constantine, Thayer David, and Don Calfa have a 1970s TV vibe about them.  

I honestly think Peeper might have been better had they just made a straightforward 1940s-style PI flick - without the attempts at comedy.  I really think I would have enjoyed that much more. As for film noir spoofs, nothing beats Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid. Now that’s a funny movie.

4/10

Santa’s Summer House (2012)

Who thought this was a good idea?, 15 November 2019

What a load of garbage!  I don’t understand how films like this get made.  Who thought a movie like Santa’s Summer House was a good idea?  Did anyone involved in the making of Santa’s Summer House think it was going to be a quality movie?  Is the straight-to-video market so lucrative that trash like this actually makes money? So many questions that I couldn’t care less to learn the answers to.  

There’s really no point in listing all the bad aspects of Santa’s Summer House.  Everything about it is bottom-of-the barrel. The plot is beyond ridiculous, most of the acting is horrendous (Christopher Mitchum proves yet again that acting ability isn’t inherited), the lighting is gawdy, and the sound is so poor you can hear echoes anytime a character walks across the tile floor.  The plot has a message that’s pretty decent, but it’s handled so annoyingly hamfisted that it loses much of its effectiveness. The entire time I was watching, I was just hoping and praying that 90s martial art icon (am I overstating it?) Cynthia Rothrock would do some sort of spinning-scorpion-five-finger-Shaolin-death-kick on the rest of the cast.  

If it’s so bad, then why haven’t I rated it lower?  Well, as bad as it is, it’s not unwatchable. There are a boatload of movies out there much worse than this.  And, like I said, it does have a decent message. Finally, I’ll give it a point for hilariously casting Rothrock in the role of Nanna, Santa’s wife.  

3/10

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

“Ten years ago, he tried to kill Laurie Strode. Now he wants her daughter.”  15 November 2019

The quote I used as a title for this pretty well summarizes the plot.  Michael Myers escapes, heads back to Haddonfield, and goes on a killing spree while searching for his niece.

Until the other night, I hadn’t seen Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers in years, but it’s much better than I remember.  Of all of the sequels in the original Halloween line, this one might just be the best. I know a lot of people prefer Halloween II or H2O, but for me, this one comes closest to capturing the spirit of the original.  Halloween 4 has a similar feel to it with plenty of atmosphere and chills. The scenes of Michael stalking Jamie and Rachel are especially creepy. As with the first film, for whatever reason, I find the daytime stalking scenes incredibly effective.  And the rooftop escape sequence near the end is just plain old thrilling. Halloween 4 features a nice cast - better than you’ll find in the average Halloween sequel. Donald Pleasence gives his usual over-the-top, but totally enjoyable performance. Young Danielle Harris, in her first real role, is a stand-out.  She may be the best thing Halloween 4 has going for it. She’s that good. The rest of the cast, including Ellie Cornell and Beau Starr, is very strong. While I do have some issues with the plot - the notion of transporting Michael at night in a driving thunderstorm, a niece Michael knows nothing about until he accidentally over-hears someone talking about her, Michael’ ability to walk / drive around town without drawing attention to himself, etc - it’s nowhere near as whacky and off-the-rails as the sequels to follow.  Plus, there’s none of the Thorn nonsense that’s introduced in Part 5. It may seem petty, I guess one of my biggest complaints with Halloween 4 is that awful looking mask. The white is so bright, it pretty much glows. And what’s with the hair? Looks like someone used a tub of pomade to smooth it down.  

Overall, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is worthy successor to the original.  While it never reaches that level of brilliance, it’s far superior to a lot of the dreck that followed.

7/10

Bees Make Honey (2017)

Not what I was looking for, 7 November 2019

The basic plot in Bees Make Honey is fairly routine - Honey (Alice Eve) is convinced that her husband was murdered at last year’s Halloween party.  To find the killer, she invites the exact same guests to this year’s party. But she also invites a police detective to help her unmask a murderer.  

It’s not that I disliked Bees Make Honey, but it could have been so much better.  My biggest issue was the lack of focus. I’m a sucker for a good mystery. But too often, director Jack Eve seemed to turn his attention to anything but the mystery.  Give me clues, suspects, motives, etc. - that’s what I want. I suppose that what it boils down to is that I wanted a different movie, one with a good old fashioned, drawing room style mystery.  Instead, what a I got was a mystery buried under kitchy characters, crazy musical interludes, and bizarre scenes that seem to exist only to be bizarre (a Nazi doing line after line of coke, for example).  

I will give Eve credit for ambition.  Just a few minutes in and it’s easy to see Eve and Bees Make Honey have style to burn.  And the movie looks fantastic. Costuming, sets, and lighting are all amazing. Being set during a Halloween party helps create the fantastic imagery.  And I was impressed with Eve’s sister, Alice Eve, in the lead. She brought real life and energy to Honey. It’s too bad her main co-star, Wilf Scolding, couldn’t keep up.

5/10

Lovejoy “The March of Time” #1.8 (1986) (TV)

“We should be back home trying to make a dishonest living.”, 5 Novembe 2019

While working to repair a relatively worthless clock, Lovejoy discovers a set of love letters from the time of the Napoleonic Wars.  Lovejoy realizes he may have something of value. When someone steals the clock, Lovejoy’s convinced he’s onto something and decides to investigate.  

The March of Time may not be the best episode, but it’s still an enjoyable, worthwhile experience.  The plot is nothing to write home about - there’s not much danger, there’s no murder to solve, and the story of the letters isn’t as exciting as something like treasure buried under an abbey.  But watching Lovejoy and the sheer pleasure we see on his face as he reads the letters gives as much insight to Lovejoy, the character, as anything we’ve seen so far. When Lovejoy initially finds the letters, you can see the dollar signs in his eyes.  When he meets their rightful owner, the devastatingly (as Lovejoy describes her) beautiful Sophy, we can see something else in his eyes. But in the end, Lovejoy’s love for antiques and doing what’s right wins out and Lovejoy sacrifices money and his shot with Sophy to see the letters made whole.    

6/10

Satan’s Triangle (1975) (TV)

Fantastic ending,  31 October 2019

I’m finding Satan’s Triangle a difficult one to summarize without giving too much away.  The story involves a botched rescue attempt on a yacht in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle.  The sole survivor, Eva (Kim Novak), spends the night relaying the mystery and horror of what happened to her fellow passengers to Coast Guardsman Lt Haig (Doug McClure).  Haig believes he has a rational explanation for everything, but is he right or are there evil forces at work?

Man, do I ever love these 70s made-for-TV movies!  Satan’s Triangle might not be the best of the bunch, but it’s a good one.  It’s one of those movies, though, that you have to stick with. The middle part can get a bit dry.  I was half-tempted to turn it off, but decided to stick it out. And what a good choice that was! The payoff at the end is fantastic.  The twist in the final few minutes completely caught me off guard and made the whole thing a memorable and rewarding experience. It’s a haunting, surprising, and amazing finale that sticks with you long after you’ve finished watching.

Even though I’ve described much of Satan’s Triangle as “dry”, Kim Novak really does a good job in these scenes with what she has to work with.  Her somber recollections are chilling. When she says, “there’s no way off this damn boat”, you believe her. It’s just so delightfully creepy. I also very much enjoyed Alehandro Rey as the priest in Eva’s story.  Rey’s acting range throughout the film is impressive.

6/10

The Spiral Staircase (1975)

Even the actors looked bored,  29 October 2019

I really can’t be bothered to write my own plot summary for The Spiral Staircase.  It’s just not worth it. Instead, here’s the IMDb plot summary: “Helen has been incapable of speech since seeing her husband die - will she become the target of a deranged serial killer targeting disabled people?”

The Spiral Staircase really shouldn’t be this bad.  It features a fairly strong cast (including Christopher Plummer and Jacqueline Bisset), a director capable of making a solid film (see Peter Collinson’s The Italian Job), a nice set, some promising plot ideas, and what I’m going to guess was a decent sized budget.  But, unfortunately, nothing works.  

The main problem I had was with the plot - it’s a disaster.  First, there are absolutely no surprises if you’re paying the least bit of attention.  The killer all but announces himself early on. As I watched, I thought there must be a twist near the end - it couldn’t be that obvious.  But, no, I was wrong - it really is that obvious. Second, the plot is terribly dull. Director Collinson drags us from one deathly dull scene to the next.  And he’s filled the film with pointless plot threads that go nowhere other than adding minutes to the run-time. There’s no life or excitement anywhere. You can see the boredom etched on the actors’ faces.  There are scenes where Bisset looks about as bored as I was. Third, there are numerous inconsistencies in the plot. Take Gayle Hunnicutt’s Blanche with her over-the-top Southern accent. Instead of a mystery/thriller, Blanche seems to be in her own Southern Gothic romance.  Or take the death of the caretaker. He’s killed in a driving, gully-washing rainstorm, yet our killer is perfectly dry the very next time we see him. It’s sloppy film making.  

I’ll stop.  I think I’ve made my point - This version of The Spiral Staircase isn’t worthy of the title.

 3/10