Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1991)

"I'm right on top of that Rose."  23 December 2017

When Mom Crandell decides to take the Summer off for an Australian vacation without her children, she hires a babysitter to oversee things. Mom is barely out of the country when the babysitter turns up dead. The kids, led by 17 year old Sue Ellen or "Swell" (Christina Applegate), decide they can take care of themselves. Using a copied resume, Swell is soon on her way up the career ladder in the fashion industry. With little help at home from her siblings, a new boyfriend, a failing company, and co-workers out to get her, Swell's got her hands full if she's to successfully navigate her Summer.

I don't think I've seen Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead in something like 20 years. I was happy to discover that, for the most part, the film holds up well. The comedy still works. Swell's interactions with her co-workers are often very funny. I got a real kick out of seeing a young David Duchovny working to thwart Swell. Or the way Swell pulls the wool over her boss's eyes time after time. Good stuff! The exception is Gus (John Getz) repeatedly hitting on Swell. Really cringey. I've always enjoyed Christina Applegate and here she's as good as ever. I wish she would have done more of this kind of film in the 90s. It suits her. I'm guessing that her role in Married with Children negatively typecast her. Other big pluses in this movie are some child actors who can actually act, life lessons that aren't driven home with a heavy hand, and some nice musical selections. The ending is something of a head scratcher. Even after being discovered as a fake, Swell is offered, but turns down, the chance to continue her career. Why? It's never made sense to me. Still, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead is a solid movie. 

Another thing I really enjoyed while watching Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead were all the late 80s / early 90s trappings. Shoulder pads, bright colors, big hair - the nostalgia just flowed over me. But the thing that really stood out was all the smoking. I forgot how much people used to smoke in movies. Seeing "17" year old Swell smoking non-stop really brought that home. You wouldn't see that today. It's definitely a product of its time.

7/10

Pottersville (2017)

"I'm a wolf!"  23 December 2017

A down on its luck mining town finds a new life when locals begin seeing a bigfoot. Before long, there are tourists in town, cash registers ringing, and a nationally syndicated television show scouring the woods for a sasquatch. It's a Christmas miracle - or is it?

My rating for Pottersville seems at odds with conventional wisdom. It's obvious that I enjoy this one much, much more than most people. For many reason, the film worked for me. The cast is brilliant - from Michael Shannon playing against character to the always enjoyable Judy Greer to the gruff but funny Ian McShane, I had a blast with the cast. The plot is a another plus for me. It's just quirky enough to keep me entertained throughout. The bits about the furries, the bigfoot sightings, and the "unique" townspeople are all interesting touches. I've read several complaints about the lack of real comedy and, while I can agree to a point, there are enough moments that made me at least smile that I didn't need to laugh out loud to find the comedy enjoyable. Overall, I had a good time with Pottersville and have no problems rating it higher than most others.

My biggest complaint with Pottersville and the thing that keeps me from rating it higher is Tom Lennon. A little Lennon goes a long way. He's given way, way too much screentime. I admit that some of his interactions with Ian McShane and the Nelson Mandela song dedicaiton were quite funny, but overall, he's annoying. Less Lennon and I might have rated Pottersville even higher.

7/10

The Villain (1979)

Ugh ,15 December 2017

A slow-witted cowboy named Handsome Stranger (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is acting as a bodyguard of sorts for a woman named Charming Jones (Ann-Margret).  Charming is traveling across the West with fortune in a locked chest.  An old outlaw named Cactus Jack (Kirk Douglas) is hired to steal the chest.  Cactus Jack comes up with trap after trap to try to get his hands on the loot, but each plan fails epically.  

I can’t tell you how many reviews I’ve read comparing The Villain to a live action Wile E Coyote cartoon.  While I see some comparisons, the difference is that Wile E Coyote’s tales are funny and told with wit and charm.  The tale of Cactus Jack is filled with failed attempts at comedy and is about as dull as anything I’ve seen recently.  None of it worked on me.  I knew I was in trouble five minutes into the movie when Jack has an argument with his horse.  Ugh.  I could see my 6-year old laughing at some of Jack’s hijinks, but none of it brought as much as a smile to my face.  I was bored to tears.  Without a car in sight, director Hal Needham seems horribly out of his element.  

As for the acting, I watched The Villain for Schwarzenegger.  However, in 1979, he was still a terribly green actor.  In most scenes, he’s as stiff as a board.  The ridiculously gorgeous Ann-Margaret almost makes The Villain worth watching on her own, but after a while, ogling Ann-Margret can get tedious.  As for Douglas, what an embarrassment!  Let’s just say that comedy wasn’t his thing.  The highlight of the cast for me was easily Strother Martin in a bit part.  His five minutes of screen-time were easily the best part of the film.

2/10

Kindergarten Cop (1990)

"I'm a cop, you idiot! I'm Detective John Kimble!" 15 December 2017

John Kimble (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a cop assigned to put a killer named Crisp behind bars for good.  To do so, Kimble needs to find Crisp’s son and ex-wife.  All he knows for certain is the name of the small Oregon town where the live and that the boy is kindergarten age.  Kimble goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher to try to find the boy.  Even though he’s a tough cop on a mission, Kimble realizes, to his amazement, that he enjoys teaching the kids.  He also finds a love interest in one of the other teachers, Joyce (Penelope Ann Miller) – a single mother whose son is in Kimble’s class.  And, as luck would have it, Kimble discovers that Joyce is Crisp’s ex-wife.  How convenient!  Kimble will have to act fact, though, because Crisp is on his way to collect his son.

For the most part, Kindergarten Cop is an enjoyable movie.  Schwarzenegger seems naturally unnatural around the kids, but that works in the film’s favor.  Kimble should be awkward around his class.  There are a number of humorous interactions between the un-humorous Kimble and the kids – my favorite being his reaction to the kid obsessed with death.  Good stuff.  As awkward as Schwarzenegger is around the children, it’s the exact opposite when it comes to his co-star, Miller.  There’s a nice chemistry between the two that really shows on-screen.  I would have loved to see the pair make more movies together.  Another plus for kindergarten cop is Pamela Reed playing Kimble’s partner.  Reed is always good and gives a solid performance here.  Throw in some nice action toward the film’s conclusion and Kindergarten Cop ends up being a nice experience.

I do, however, have two complaints.  First, the film is too long.  I really think that if just 10 to 15 minutes were cut from the runtime, it would be a better, tighter movie.  Cut the scenes with Cathy Moriarty, for example.  They add zilch to the final product.  Second, baddie Crisp and his mother aren’t threatening enough.  They’re jokes.  Had the pair been played with a more menacing tone, the final showdown would have been even better.  Still, it’s a solid film as is.

7/10

Smile Before Death (1972)

- Il sorriso della iena
"Nice "little" giallo" 14 December 2017

After years at a boarding school, Nancy Thompson (Jenny Tamburi) arrives at her late mother's home and is introduced to her step-father, Marco (Silvano Tranquilli), whom she's never met, and his lady friend, Gianna (Rosalba Neri). Nancy's mother's death was ruled a suicide, but Nancy's not so sure. She suspects that either Marco or Gianna or dboth may have had a hand in her death. Nancy begins playing a dangerous game by pitting Marco and Gianna against each other in her attempt to get to the truth.

Smile Before Death is nice little giallo. With only three characters that have any real screen-time and only two or three different sets, it's what I'd definitely call "little". Nancy's mother's murder may not be overly complicated, but it's still a real treat to watch Nancy get to the bottom of things as Marco and Gianna turn on each other. It's a hoot watching Nancy play them like a fiddle. They fall for it hook, line, and sinker. It's some terrific writing given how "little" the movie is. Director Silvio Amadio (better known for his giallo, Amuck) does a remarkable job of keeping the interest high even though we already know where most of the film is headed. Amadio also does a fantastic job of springing not just one, but two twists near the film's finale. Both worked perfectly as far as I'm concerned. Fantastic job of filmmaking. 

I can't say enough about the cast. I'm not really familiar with Tamburi, but here, she's perfect. Her transformation from shy schoolgirl to full-blown sexpot is a nice piece of acting. Tranquilli is a real pro, having appeared in a number of genre films I've seen in the past. As for Neri, I've sung her praises so many times in the past that doing so here would be pointless. I'll just say, she's good.

Based on my rating, it's obvious that the film isn't perfect in my eyes, but giallo fans really ought to check out this relatively obscure film. It's worth it.

7/10

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006)

"You're not gonna believe this, but there's a snow cone vendor out there not wearing a bra."  13 December 2017

As the title implies, Larry the Cable Guy has a new job as a health inspector. Larry finds himself saddled with a partner he didn't ask for, farting, the prospect of a new relationship, more farting, a boss who wants him fired, even more farting, and a series of mysterious food poisonings at some of the city's best restaurants. Larry's a busy guy.

I've seen a lot of dumb movies in my day, but Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector might just take the prize as the absolute dumbest. I think my IQ dropped a few points while I watched. The movie isn't much more than a continuous 80-something minute fart joke. The fart jokes go on and on and on. I didn't find the first one funny, so by the 50th, I was about ready to slit my wrists. Oh my God is this thing horrible! In between fart jokes, the movie finds time to offend just about every group imaginable. I'm not one that normally gets offended when watching a movie, but here, it slaps you in the face. Race, sexual orientation, handicaps, you name it - Larry treats them all with the same level of disdain and ridicule. It's bottom-of-the-barrel comedy. Still, I haven't rated the movie a 1/10 because, despite itself and my knowing better, there were a couple of moments that worked - most involving Larry's partner, Butlin.

I'm shocked the makers of Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector were able to convince some of these actors to take the job. Iris Bahr (playing the previously mentioned Butlin), Megyn Price, Joe Pantoliano, and Joanna Cassidy must have all really needed the work. I'm shocked any would lower themselves to appear in this dreck. I know they were paid, but I still feel sorry for them.

2/10

Berlin Express (1948)

"Sometimes I think we shall never get together on this earth until we find someone on Mars to hate."  12 December 2017

Berlin Express is a mystery set shortly after WWII on an Army transport train headed from Paris to Berlin. The train carries an assortment of characters, all with different backgrounds and allegiances. The trip is sidetracked in Frankfurt after the attempted assassination and later kidnapping of a German named Paul Lukas. Lukas has the ideas and wherewithal to deliver a unified post-WWII Germany. Others, however, do not want to see this happen and would rather Germany remain divided. I know a lot of this may sound vague and incomplete, but I've probably already given away too much of the mystery as it is.

Overall, I would describe Berlin Express as a nice, but never great, film. The movie opens with a voice-over narration that is absolutely necessary to set-up what's to come. These monologues can sometimes annoy me, but without it here, the film would have taken at least an additional hour to explain what was happening. The acting here is solid, but not necessarily spectacular. Robert Ryan and Merle Oberon head the talented United Nations-style cast. The mystery elements work in Berlin Express. Curt Siodmak is responsible for the twisted, sometimes confusing, but always engaging, screenplay. The big twist to the plot that comes near the 30 minute mark worked almost perfectly on me. It really caught me off guard. Most of the story is told in a documentary, matter-of-fact style that suits the somber surroundings. Speaking of the surroundings, the real star here are the locations. The movie was shot in the actual post-war ruins of Frankfurt. The bombed out building, the crumbling infrastructure, and the gut-wrenching homelessness are filmed magnificently. It's sad and horrific, but absolutely beautiful.

6/10