Mrs. Pollifax-Spy (1971)

Good start, but loses its steam, 11 April 2020

Recently widowed empty-nester Mrs. Pollifax (Rosalind Russell) needs something to do and decides to seek gainful employment.  So, she marches into the CIA and offers her services as a spy. Being an unassuming, older woman, one of the CIA bigwigs thinks she’s perfect for simple courier missions.  But when her first assignment to Mexico goes horribly wrong, Mrs. Pollifax finds herself in a world of trouble inside an Albaian prison.  

Mrs. Pollifax-Spy isn’t a bad movie by any means, it’s just that it’s not very good either.  One of my main issues is the pacing. The film gets off to a fantastic start, complete with vibrant, interesting Mexican locations.  These scenes have a real sense of fun and life to them. But, things change dramatically once Mrs. Pollifax finds herself in Albania. The pace slows to a crawl and it seems to take forever for much of anything to happen.  Plus, the Albanian scenes are just so drab looking. I never knew there were that many shades of brown.  

Russell’s on-screen pairing with Darren McGavin took a while to grow on me.  I”ve never seen him as the leading man type. But by the end, I was on board with their relationship.  I suppose that is one bright spot from the movie’s second half.  

5/10

Deathstalker (1983)

“Heroes and fools are the same thing.” 10 April 2020

The plot to Deathstalker is straight out of the 80s sword & sorcerer playbook - A reluctant hero goes on a mission to save the land from an evil tyrant.  If he gains possession of three magical items, he’ll get the power he needs to succeed.  

In 1983, I was 18.  Back then, you could count on either a new horror movie or a new sword & sorcerer movie opening every weekend at the local multiplex.  The horror movies were usually cheap knock-offs of Halloween or Friday the 13th. And the sword & sorcerer movies were pale imitations of Conan.  I remember seeing Deathstalker in 83. Until last night, I couldn’t remember much about the movie (other than the scene where the pig-headed warrior eats the pig), but I’m pretty sure I loved it.  I’m almost embarrassed to admit that. Either, time has not been kind to Deathstalker, or my tastes have grown as I’ve aged.

Instead of the fun adventure-filled movie I remember, the Deathstalker I re-watched was pretty bad and boring.  The plot (at least what there is of it) is predictable, the acting is abysmal, the special effects are laughable, and the fight scenes are unoriginal.  But what bothered me the most (and I can’t believe I’m about to write this) was the misogyny of the whole thing. The treatment of women really bothered me.  There’s a rape scene around every corner - even involving the film’s supposed hero. Don’t misunderstand - I don’t consider myself a purde. There’s plenty of nudity and sex in a movie like The Great Texas Dynamite Chase (which I watched just a couple of nights ago), but at least there, the women appear to be willing participants.  

I think I may give up on revisiting these 80s sword & sorcerer movies.  Everytime, I seem to end up disappointed.  

3/10

Honor and Glory (1993)

“I have arrived at the top of the world.” 9 April 2020

A female FBI agent, Tracy Pride (Cynthia Rothrock), and her overachieving reporter sister, Joyce Pride (Donna Jason), have their sights set on taking down a corrupt banker who just happens to have a nuclear triggering device he’s going to sell to the highest bidder.  

If Honor and Glory wasn’t so ridiculously funny, it might be one of the worst movies I’d ever seen.  Fortunately, it’s a deliciously hysterical mess of a movie. Godfrey Ho has managed to craft the most amazingly spastic movie imaginable.  The writing, directing, and editing all seem like they were handled by a chipmunk on speed. How else do you explain a slap-fight for keys and a chopstick battle over green beans?   Characters do and say the most ludicrous things. The abrupt nature of the laugh-out-loud fight scene with Joyce and a senator’s daughter being a prime example. As for the plot - well forget about it.  Ho certainly did. But the best (or is that worst?) thing Honor and Glory has going for it is chief baddie, Jason Slade (John Miller). Over-the-top doesn’t begin to describe this butt-kicking banker. I suggest you sit back and enjoy - especially his jaw-dropping monologue, “I have arrived at the top of the world. No man has control of more money. No man can fight me and live. No woman can share my bed and not be mine for life. I am like a god! I piss on you, from a great height.”  Just amazing!

Given this is a Cynthia Rothrock movie, you’re probably expecting a heavy dose of fight sequences. If so, you’re in luck.  Not all are great, but the scenes featuring Chuck Jeffreys are a highlight. As for Rothrock, I’ve never been much of a fan of her on-screen fighting.  There’s no doubting she has the technical skills, but for whatever reason, it doesn’t always translate well to film.  

As I said, this isn’t at all a “good” movie.  Regardless, I find it entertaining enough to give a 6/10.

6/10

The Great Texas Dynamite Chase (1976)

Now that was fun!, 8 April 2020

The Great Texas Dynamite Chase features a pretty simple plot:  two young women set-off across Texas with a plan to rob banks using sticks of dynamite.  While it may be a simple plot, this is one of the better 70s-era exploitation films I’ve run across.  So what makes this one so special? I’ll be honest, I’m often turned off by these movies because they can be so mean-spirited, poorly acted, poorly paced, and often quite dull.  The Great Texas Dynamite Chase is none of those things. It’s really an enjoyable movie.  

The biggest plus the movie has going for it is Claudia Jennings as Candy Monroe (in some of the most eye-catching hot-pants i’ve ever seen) and Jocelyn Jones as Elle-Jo.  The pair have incredible chemistry - some of the best non-romantic chemistry I can remember ever seeing. They seem so comfortable together. Everything between the two is natural and easy-going.  And while I’m familiar with Jennings (and what fan of 70s exploitation isn’t), I admit that Jones is new to me. What a revelation! She has a screen presence you don’t often see in someone with so little experience.   

Beyond Jennings and Jones, I’ve got to give a lot of credit to director MIchael Pressman.  He filled The Great Texas Dynamite Chase with plenty of action, comedy that works, some well placed explosions, sex scenes that are actually sexy, and a couple of enjoyable chase sequences.  He also doesn’t have to stoop to some of the typical exploitation fodder like rape and gratuetous violence. Good stuff all around.  

8/10

Peeper (1975)

Peeper?  I’ve never heard a PI called a “Peeper”, 7 April 2020

Bumbling PI Leslie C Tucker (Michael Caine) is hired to track down a little girl who was adopted many years ago.  Her real father has an inheritance he wants to pass on to her. He tracks the girl to a wealthy family, but there are two daughters.  Which of the sisters was adopted? And of course, there are others who would do just about anything to get their hands on the loot.  

Peeper is supposedly a film noir spoof.  I say “supposedly” because you would expect a spoof to be funny.  Watching Peeper, not only did I not laugh, I don’t think I even smiled.  The script isn’t anywhere near as clever and witty as it thinks it is. The jokes fall flat.  In fact, flat is a pretty good adjective to use to describe the whole thing. The comedy is flat.  The action is flat. The mystery is flat. The acting is flat. Caine is fine, but he’s given an abysmal script to work with.  It doesn’t help much that he has about zero on-screen chemistry with co-star Natalie Wood. Even their scenes together are, well, they’re also flat.

Another big problem I had with Peeper is how cheap it all seems.  The film is set in the 1940s. Instead, Peeper looks like a poorly dressed film that can’t hide its 1970s origins.  Rarely did anything have an authentic 1940s feel. The supporting cash doesn’t help any either. It’s not necessarily their fault, but Michael Constantine, Thayer David, and Don Calfa have a 1970s TV vibe about them.  

I honestly think Peeper might have been better had they just made a straightforward 1940s-style PI flick - without the attempts at comedy.  I really think I would have enjoyed that much more. As for film noir spoofs, nothing beats Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid. Now that’s a funny movie.

4/10

Santa’s Summer House (2012)

Who thought this was a good idea?, 15 November 2019

What a load of garbage!  I don’t understand how films like this get made.  Who thought a movie like Santa’s Summer House was a good idea?  Did anyone involved in the making of Santa’s Summer House think it was going to be a quality movie?  Is the straight-to-video market so lucrative that trash like this actually makes money? So many questions that I couldn’t care less to learn the answers to.  

There’s really no point in listing all the bad aspects of Santa’s Summer House.  Everything about it is bottom-of-the barrel. The plot is beyond ridiculous, most of the acting is horrendous (Christopher Mitchum proves yet again that acting ability isn’t inherited), the lighting is gawdy, and the sound is so poor you can hear echoes anytime a character walks across the tile floor.  The plot has a message that’s pretty decent, but it’s handled so annoyingly hamfisted that it loses much of its effectiveness. The entire time I was watching, I was just hoping and praying that 90s martial art icon (am I overstating it?) Cynthia Rothrock would do some sort of spinning-scorpion-five-finger-Shaolin-death-kick on the rest of the cast.  

If it’s so bad, then why haven’t I rated it lower?  Well, as bad as it is, it’s not unwatchable. There are a boatload of movies out there much worse than this.  And, like I said, it does have a decent message. Finally, I’ll give it a point for hilariously casting Rothrock in the role of Nanna, Santa’s wife.  

3/10

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

“Ten years ago, he tried to kill Laurie Strode. Now he wants her daughter.”  15 November 2019

The quote I used as a title for this pretty well summarizes the plot.  Michael Myers escapes, heads back to Haddonfield, and goes on a killing spree while searching for his niece.

Until the other night, I hadn’t seen Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers in years, but it’s much better than I remember.  Of all of the sequels in the original Halloween line, this one might just be the best. I know a lot of people prefer Halloween II or H2O, but for me, this one comes closest to capturing the spirit of the original.  Halloween 4 has a similar feel to it with plenty of atmosphere and chills. The scenes of Michael stalking Jamie and Rachel are especially creepy. As with the first film, for whatever reason, I find the daytime stalking scenes incredibly effective.  And the rooftop escape sequence near the end is just plain old thrilling. Halloween 4 features a nice cast - better than you’ll find in the average Halloween sequel. Donald Pleasence gives his usual over-the-top, but totally enjoyable performance. Young Danielle Harris, in her first real role, is a stand-out.  She may be the best thing Halloween 4 has going for it. She’s that good. The rest of the cast, including Ellie Cornell and Beau Starr, is very strong. While I do have some issues with the plot - the notion of transporting Michael at night in a driving thunderstorm, a niece Michael knows nothing about until he accidentally over-hears someone talking about her, Michael’ ability to walk / drive around town without drawing attention to himself, etc - it’s nowhere near as whacky and off-the-rails as the sequels to follow.  Plus, there’s none of the Thorn nonsense that’s introduced in Part 5. It may seem petty, I guess one of my biggest complaints with Halloween 4 is that awful looking mask. The white is so bright, it pretty much glows. And what’s with the hair? Looks like someone used a tub of pomade to smooth it down.  

Overall, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is worthy successor to the original.  While it never reaches that level of brilliance, it’s far superior to a lot of the dreck that followed.

7/10