Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

"Santa, you will never return to Earth, you belong to Mars now.", 14 May 2009

The leaders of Mars are worried about their constantly melancholy children. They've seen enough earth TV to know that Santa Claus brings much joy and happiness to the children of Earth. What if Santa were to come to Mars? Could he make the Martian children happy? So, the leaders of Mars decide to kidnap Santa and bring him to their planet. Will it work?

If you scour the internet, you'll undoubtedly run across a number of Worst Movie Ever lists. But until you've seen the atrocity that is Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, I'm not sure you're qualified to make such a list. There are a lot of bad movies out there, but there's only on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It's bad in every conceivable way – incompetently bad acting on the part of most of the cast (Billy and Betty anyone?), some of the lamest special effects imaginable (What about that crazy polar bear?), more mugging for the camera than any one movie should be allowed (Did you catch Dropo's act?), Martian-green grease paint that comes and goes with each scene, and one of the most utterly ridiculous plots ever put to paper. Did anyone involved in the making of this thing think they were actually making a movie that was good? If so, add brain damaged cast and crew to that list of negatives. Yes, I'm fully aware that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians was intended to be a children's movie, but I'm sorry, I can't imagine a single child alive (then or now) that would sit down for more than five minutes with this abomination of a movie. In a word, it's pathetic. This is the perfect example of a movie that probably does deserve to be on a Worst Movie Ever list.

Okay, I know what you're asking yourself right now – "B2 – if the movie's as bad as you say, why have you rated it a 3/10 instead of a 1/10?" Glad you asked - as much as I hate the phrase "so bad it's good", in this case it applies in spades. I simply cannot turn away if it's on – Mystery Science Theater 3000 version or not (which, by the way, I rate a 4/5 on my MST3K rating scale). The sheer volume of craptitude draws me in like a moth to a flame. And if I'll sit and watch regardless of how much it hurts, that's got to be worth a couple of points, doesn't it?

3/10