The Killers Are Our Guests (1974)

- Gli assassini sono nostri ospiti

Better than average piece of entertainment, 28 December 2017

The Killers Are Our Guests opens with a daring daylight jewelry store robbery. One of the robbers is shot during the escape. The band of robbers is forced to seek medical attention for their partner and end up at the isolated villa of a doctor and his wife. Forced to comply, the doctor does his best to patch up the wounded robber. The baddies hold the pair hostage until they're able to hit the road. It's a nightmare of a night as the doctor and wife are threatened with their lives, the wife is raped, and, in the end, most everyone is killed.

Overall, I found The Killers Are Our Guests an above average piece of entertainment. I'm not sure how I'd classify the film, but I'm going to go with poliziotteschi or Euro-crime. The film features plenty of atmosphere as the robbers harass and threaten the couple. The movie never goes as far as something like Last House on the Left, but it has a similar cramped, ominous feel to it. I really started to feel for the doctor's wife. Either through choice or force, she has sex four times during the night. And when it's not by choice, it's not very pleasant. While the police seem ineffective throughout, the way the police ultimately catch their prey is nicely handled and provides an unexpected twist. The acting is solid. Genre regulars Anthony Steffan, Luigi Pistilli, and Margaret Lee are as good as I've come to expect. It's always nice to discover a "new" movie with Margaret Lee. The rest of the cast is more than adequate. If it weren't for some fairly long stretches in the second act where the film almost grinds to a halt, I could have easily rated The Killers Are Our Guests higher.

6/10

Catwoman (2004)

"Meow.", 27 December 2017

Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) is a meek, mild-mannered woman working in the advertising department of a cosmetics firm. One night, she sees and overhears something she wasn't meant to. The company's new line causes horrible scarring after extended use. Patience is killed because of what she learned. However, she is brought back to life by an Egyptian cat and granted many cat-like powers. She decides to use these powers to discover who killed her and put a stop to the company she once worked for.

I knew of Catwoman's horrible reputation, but didn't really believe it could be that bad. I mean, squeezing the gorgeous Halle Berry into skin-tight leather should set you up for some thrills. Unfortunately, there's not a costume on Earth that could have saved this mess of a movie. Almost everything (the lone exception being some scenes with Halle Berry and Benjamin Bratt - I enjoyed the chemistry) is a disaster. The plot is paper thin, the baddies are weak, the acting is poor, the attempts at comedy are cringey, and the dialogue is silly. But as bad as all that is, nothing compares with the wretched special effects. I thought the CG cat looked horrible (and why use a CG cat anyway?), but then i saw the CG Halle Berry. I'm sure a small fortune was spent on these effects. What a waste! The shots of Adam West "climbing" buildings in the 1960s-era Batman TV show are more believable. It's just pathetic.

2/10

Too Beautiful to Die (1988)

- Sotto il vestito niente II

A good late 80s giallo, 26 December 2017

Sylvia O'Neal is a successful model working in Milan. After the final shoot for a big ad campaign, Sylvia attends a party with some of the other models. Sylvia doesn't realize it, but she has caught the eye of an older, powerful man. She's doesn't realize that he will also be at the party or the party's real purpose. She refuses his advances, but she's not strong enough to fight off the other models. While they hold her, the man rapes her. Distraught, she leaves the party in a hurry only to be found burned to death in a car the following morning. It looks like an accident until the others at the party start turning up dead. And when the police discover Sylvia was shot through the head before the car crash, it's obvious a killer is on the loose.

The 70s were the heyday for the Italian giallo. So it's always nice to discover one made in the 80s, nevermind the late 80s, that's actually good. Too Beautiful to Die is a solid example of a latter day giallo. An unknown killer, a fantastically gruesome murder weapon, artistic touches (tracking shots and blue lighting), a boatload of beautiful women, and plenty of atmosphere - this one has all the elements you expect to find in a giallo. Too Beautiful to Die also features some of the best (or worst) of the 80s. The music, clothing, and hair - all from the 80s. The ad campaigns and music videos the women are working on are incredibly reminiscent of a Robert Palmer video. It's a visual straight out of the 80s. In fact, much of the movie is a bit like watching a string of 80s-era music videos strung together into a film. Plenty of style. Another plus for Too Beautiful to Die are the plot twists and turns you expect to find in a good giallo. There are plenty of clues and red herrings sprinkled throughout that will keep you guessing to the end. With about 20 minutes to go, I was sure I had things figured out. And while I was partially correct, the movie had one more curveball up its sleeve. Very nice. If it weren't for the poor explanation of the killer's motivation, a couple of slow spots in the screenplay, and some questionable acting, I could have easily rated this one higher. Still, it's a nice giallo that fans of the genre should seek out.

6/10

Elizabeth Smart: Autobiography (2017)

A story of strength 26 December 2017

Elizabeth Smart: Autobiography is, as the name implies, Elizabeth Smart's story told in her own words. Smart was abducted as a young teen, held captive by a deranged couple, brainwashed, and repeatedly raped for almost a year before she was able to escape. The film also explores the pain and suffering experienced by her family as they faced the initial shock and terror of a missing child, their ordeal with the police, and the highs and lows they experienced trying to find Elizabeth.

I'm not sure "entertaining" is the right word to use, but Elizabeth Smart: Autobiography is certainly a compelling piece of television. Elizabeth Smart's story is one of courage, bravery, and an unending faith. It's the story of a girl who did whatever she had to deal with her situation and survive. Elizabeth Smart iis amazingly calm as she recounts her ordeal. The specifics she details are heartbreaking. I'm amazed at Smart's poise as the horrors she faced unfold. What an amazing woman.

The only reason I haven't rated this a 10/10 was that I wanted more from Smart and less from the family. While their ordeal was no doubt gut-wrenching, their story isn't as "interesting" as Elizabeth's. Less family and more Elizabeth Smart would have made this thing even better. Still, it's a minor quibble with what is overall a wonderful documentary.

After watching this, I was interested to learn more about Elizabeth Smart's story. I'm shocked to read numerous posts on the internet that doubt her and the truth behind her ordeal. Most question why she didn't try to escape and why it took her so long to admit she was Elizabeth Smart when questioned by the police. I think she does an excellent job of addressing this in the film. If you've never been in her situation, don't judge. You have no idea what she was going through. Her fear was real and her reluctance to do or say something is completely understandable. These doubters infuriate me.

9/10

The Legend of Tarzan (2016)

"Why is it people don't ride zebras?" 26 December 2017

Tarzan (Alexander Skarsgård) is convinced to return to Africa so he might help the Congolese people facing enslavement and other atrocities at the hands of Belgian diamond miners. Tarzan is accompanied by George Washington Williams (Samuel L Jackson) and, against his wishes, his wife Jane (Margot Robbie). Soon after their arrival in Africa, Jane is kidnapped by a man named Rom (Christoph Waltz). Rom has a plan to turn Tarzan over to an African chief, Mbonga (Djimon Hounsou), who wants to see Tarzan punished for the death of his son. Rom intends to use Jane as bait to lure Tarzan into Mbonga's hands for a fortune in diamonds in return. As you'd expect, Tarzan sets out to rescue Jane.

My little, poorly written plot summary for The Legend of Tarzan actually makes the film sound better than it is. The plot here is paper thin. A lot of what goes on makes no sense at all and characters generally behave in an irrational fashion with little motivation. All are 2D characters without much depth. The showdown between Tarzan and Mbonga should have been a highlight. Instead, it's one of weakest sequences in the film. It's over before it begins. It's frustrating to watch a film that could and should have been much better had anyone spent more time developing a solid and compelling story.

Beyond my issues with the plot, I wasn't crazy about the film's structure. Parts of the story are told in a series of increasingly frustrating flashbacks. Most of the flashbacks relate to Tarzan's origin story - something that felt unnecessary to include in this movie. Not only are the flashbacks annoying but they do a pretty poor job of explaining a backstory we're all familiar with. They only serve to bloat the film and unnecessarily increase the runtime.

The acting is all over the place. Skarsgård makes for a weak Tarzan. Oddly, he seems uninterested throughout most of the movie. Robbie really doesn't have much to do and is wasted. Jackson does what he usually does - he plays Williams just like every other character he plays. He seems horribly miscast to me. Hounsou and Waltz are the acting highlights for me. With more developed characters and better defined motivations, they're performances would have been even better.

Even though I've already listed a number of negatives, the biggest weakness in The Legend of Tarzan is the overuse of some really bad looking CGI. Most of the animals look terrible. The gorillas, lions, wildebeests (especially the wildebeests) - none of them look convincing. There's not a "real" looking animal to be found in the entire movie. But the worst example of poor CGI can be seen in Tarzan's swing through the trees. A hand drawn cartoon would have looked more realistic. It's some of the worst CGI I've seen. And speaking of Tarzan swinging through the trees - the whole notion is ridiculous. Tarzan goes from one conveniently placed vine to the next at a speed that would have made a cheetah envious. It's insulting. 

Despite everything I've written, it's obvious from my rating that I didn't find the entire film a total flop. There are moments here and there that work - Rom's diner scene with Jane being one example. So even though I've spent several paragraphs discussing the issues I had with The Legend of Tarzan, I'm still rating the film a 4/10.

4/10

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

"Whoa, we got us a little Mexican standoff!", 24 December 2017

There’s so much I could write about Transformers: Dark of the Moon that I’m not sure where to begin.  I think I’ll start with my one word review - wretched.  It’s one truly wretched movie.  I’m not sure how you spend almost $200 million and make something this bad, but Michael Bay found a way.  I usually begin one of these with a plot summary, but with Transformers: Dark of the Moon, I don’t see any point.  The plot here doesn’t really matter.  The plot is pointless.  It’s all about big explosions.  And if there’s one thing Michael Bay can do, it’s make a movie with big explosions.  The problem is that without a story I cared 2 cents about, the big explosions get pretty boring pretty fast.  At 2 hours 34 minutes and with no interesting story, this thing is like running a marathon in mud.  It takes forever.  By the time the film’s big finale rolled around, I was done.  I couldn’t take anymore.   What a bore!  But to be fair, I went back and watched the last part about three times because I kept falling asleep.  You would think that any movie that ends with giant robots doing battle would have an ending that would hold your interest.  That’s not the case here.  And if you’re going to begin your movie on the moon, why not end it on the moon?  We’ve seen Transformers battle on Earth before, so why not take the final battle back to where it all began?  What a missed opportunity.  And does Michael Bay believe in editing.  There’s so much fat here that could have easily been cut out.  For example, ss I said when writing about #2, why are Sam’s parents even in the film?  They add nothing but minutes to the runtime.  That’s just one example of the many I could cite. 


And I realize I’m starting to ramble, so I better stop here.  I could go on and on about the poor CGI, the bad inside jokes, and the embarrassing treatment of Leonard Nimoy’s legacy, but I won’t .  I don’t  want to overstay my welcome like Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

3/10

C.C. & Company (1970)

“Those characters over there - that's what gives motorcyling a bad name.”, 24 December 2017

C.C. Ryder (Joe Namath), a motorcycle mechanic, is a somewhat reluctant member of an outlaw biker gang known as The Head. By accident, he meets a fashion photographer, Ann McCalley (Ann-Margret), and saves her from the other members of his gang. C.C. falls for Ann, but realizes he'll have to leave the gang if he is to win her over. C.C. enters and wins a dirt bike race, giving him the funds he needs to strike out on his own and pursue Ann. But gang leader Moon (William Smith) doesn't see it that way. He wants C.C.'s money for his own and goes after Ann to prove his point. C.C. will have to defeat Moon if he is to be free of The Head.

Given its relatively poor online reputation, I'm as shocked as anyone by how much I enjoyed C.C. and Company. The movie just clicked with me and worked quite nicely. Director Seymour Robbie may have been mainly a television director, but I felt he handled this transition to film very professionally. C.C. and Company is well-paced with plenty of sight gags and fight scenes that work as intended. For example, the scene where C.C. steals the dirt bike is really cleverly handled. The shot of him towing the dirt bike behind his chopper was a real kick. As for fight scenes, the fight between C.C. and Moon in the creek is really well choreographed and filmed. It's a solid action piece. Robbie also manages to throw in some menacing set-pieces, none more so than the kidnap of Ann. Again, nicely done.

The acting in C.C. and Company is also a highlight. I wasn't expecting much from Namath, but he gives a reasonably competent performance. In a lot of scenes he's not asked to do much more than sit on his bike and smile, but when challenged, he's more than capable. Ann-Margret is Ann-Margret and gives the performance you expect. The chemistry she had with Namath seemed natural and easy. The real star for me, however, is William Smith. He plays Moon as a hulking, menacing presence capable of snapping at a moment's notice. He's always struck me as a wonderful actor and, here, he really gets a chance to shine. 

As I said near the start of this, I enjoyed C.C. and Company more than most. I was entertained throughout and that's all I ask of a film. A solid 7/10 from me.

7/10

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1991)

"I'm right on top of that Rose."  23 December 2017

When Mom Crandell decides to take the Summer off for an Australian vacation without her children, she hires a babysitter to oversee things. Mom is barely out of the country when the babysitter turns up dead. The kids, led by 17 year old Sue Ellen or "Swell" (Christina Applegate), decide they can take care of themselves. Using a copied resume, Swell is soon on her way up the career ladder in the fashion industry. With little help at home from her siblings, a new boyfriend, a failing company, and co-workers out to get her, Swell's got her hands full if she's to successfully navigate her Summer.

I don't think I've seen Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead in something like 20 years. I was happy to discover that, for the most part, the film holds up well. The comedy still works. Swell's interactions with her co-workers are often very funny. I got a real kick out of seeing a young David Duchovny working to thwart Swell. Or the way Swell pulls the wool over her boss's eyes time after time. Good stuff! The exception is Gus (John Getz) repeatedly hitting on Swell. Really cringey. I've always enjoyed Christina Applegate and here she's as good as ever. I wish she would have done more of this kind of film in the 90s. It suits her. I'm guessing that her role in Married with Children negatively typecast her. Other big pluses in this movie are some child actors who can actually act, life lessons that aren't driven home with a heavy hand, and some nice musical selections. The ending is something of a head scratcher. Even after being discovered as a fake, Swell is offered, but turns down, the chance to continue her career. Why? It's never made sense to me. Still, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead is a solid movie. 

Another thing I really enjoyed while watching Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead were all the late 80s / early 90s trappings. Shoulder pads, bright colors, big hair - the nostalgia just flowed over me. But the thing that really stood out was all the smoking. I forgot how much people used to smoke in movies. Seeing "17" year old Swell smoking non-stop really brought that home. You wouldn't see that today. It's definitely a product of its time.

7/10

Pottersville (2017)

"I'm a wolf!"  23 December 2017

A down on its luck mining town finds a new life when locals begin seeing a bigfoot. Before long, there are tourists in town, cash registers ringing, and a nationally syndicated television show scouring the woods for a sasquatch. It's a Christmas miracle - or is it?

My rating for Pottersville seems at odds with conventional wisdom. It's obvious that I enjoy this one much, much more than most people. For many reason, the film worked for me. The cast is brilliant - from Michael Shannon playing against character to the always enjoyable Judy Greer to the gruff but funny Ian McShane, I had a blast with the cast. The plot is a another plus for me. It's just quirky enough to keep me entertained throughout. The bits about the furries, the bigfoot sightings, and the "unique" townspeople are all interesting touches. I've read several complaints about the lack of real comedy and, while I can agree to a point, there are enough moments that made me at least smile that I didn't need to laugh out loud to find the comedy enjoyable. Overall, I had a good time with Pottersville and have no problems rating it higher than most others.

My biggest complaint with Pottersville and the thing that keeps me from rating it higher is Tom Lennon. A little Lennon goes a long way. He's given way, way too much screentime. I admit that some of his interactions with Ian McShane and the Nelson Mandela song dedicaiton were quite funny, but overall, he's annoying. Less Lennon and I might have rated Pottersville even higher.

7/10

The Villain (1979)

Ugh ,15 December 2017

A slow-witted cowboy named Handsome Stranger (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is acting as a bodyguard of sorts for a woman named Charming Jones (Ann-Margret).  Charming is traveling across the West with fortune in a locked chest.  An old outlaw named Cactus Jack (Kirk Douglas) is hired to steal the chest.  Cactus Jack comes up with trap after trap to try to get his hands on the loot, but each plan fails epically.  

I can’t tell you how many reviews I’ve read comparing The Villain to a live action Wile E Coyote cartoon.  While I see some comparisons, the difference is that Wile E Coyote’s tales are funny and told with wit and charm.  The tale of Cactus Jack is filled with failed attempts at comedy and is about as dull as anything I’ve seen recently.  None of it worked on me.  I knew I was in trouble five minutes into the movie when Jack has an argument with his horse.  Ugh.  I could see my 6-year old laughing at some of Jack’s hijinks, but none of it brought as much as a smile to my face.  I was bored to tears.  Without a car in sight, director Hal Needham seems horribly out of his element.  

As for the acting, I watched The Villain for Schwarzenegger.  However, in 1979, he was still a terribly green actor.  In most scenes, he’s as stiff as a board.  The ridiculously gorgeous Ann-Margaret almost makes The Villain worth watching on her own, but after a while, ogling Ann-Margret can get tedious.  As for Douglas, what an embarrassment!  Let’s just say that comedy wasn’t his thing.  The highlight of the cast for me was easily Strother Martin in a bit part.  His five minutes of screen-time were easily the best part of the film.

2/10

Kindergarten Cop (1990)

"I'm a cop, you idiot! I'm Detective John Kimble!" 15 December 2017

John Kimble (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a cop assigned to put a killer named Crisp behind bars for good.  To do so, Kimble needs to find Crisp’s son and ex-wife.  All he knows for certain is the name of the small Oregon town where the live and that the boy is kindergarten age.  Kimble goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher to try to find the boy.  Even though he’s a tough cop on a mission, Kimble realizes, to his amazement, that he enjoys teaching the kids.  He also finds a love interest in one of the other teachers, Joyce (Penelope Ann Miller) – a single mother whose son is in Kimble’s class.  And, as luck would have it, Kimble discovers that Joyce is Crisp’s ex-wife.  How convenient!  Kimble will have to act fact, though, because Crisp is on his way to collect his son.

For the most part, Kindergarten Cop is an enjoyable movie.  Schwarzenegger seems naturally unnatural around the kids, but that works in the film’s favor.  Kimble should be awkward around his class.  There are a number of humorous interactions between the un-humorous Kimble and the kids – my favorite being his reaction to the kid obsessed with death.  Good stuff.  As awkward as Schwarzenegger is around the children, it’s the exact opposite when it comes to his co-star, Miller.  There’s a nice chemistry between the two that really shows on-screen.  I would have loved to see the pair make more movies together.  Another plus for kindergarten cop is Pamela Reed playing Kimble’s partner.  Reed is always good and gives a solid performance here.  Throw in some nice action toward the film’s conclusion and Kindergarten Cop ends up being a nice experience.

I do, however, have two complaints.  First, the film is too long.  I really think that if just 10 to 15 minutes were cut from the runtime, it would be a better, tighter movie.  Cut the scenes with Cathy Moriarty, for example.  They add zilch to the final product.  Second, baddie Crisp and his mother aren’t threatening enough.  They’re jokes.  Had the pair been played with a more menacing tone, the final showdown would have been even better.  Still, it’s a solid film as is.

7/10

Smile Before Death (1972)

- Il sorriso della iena
"Nice "little" giallo" 14 December 2017

After years at a boarding school, Nancy Thompson (Jenny Tamburi) arrives at her late mother's home and is introduced to her step-father, Marco (Silvano Tranquilli), whom she's never met, and his lady friend, Gianna (Rosalba Neri). Nancy's mother's death was ruled a suicide, but Nancy's not so sure. She suspects that either Marco or Gianna or dboth may have had a hand in her death. Nancy begins playing a dangerous game by pitting Marco and Gianna against each other in her attempt to get to the truth.

Smile Before Death is nice little giallo. With only three characters that have any real screen-time and only two or three different sets, it's what I'd definitely call "little". Nancy's mother's murder may not be overly complicated, but it's still a real treat to watch Nancy get to the bottom of things as Marco and Gianna turn on each other. It's a hoot watching Nancy play them like a fiddle. They fall for it hook, line, and sinker. It's some terrific writing given how "little" the movie is. Director Silvio Amadio (better known for his giallo, Amuck) does a remarkable job of keeping the interest high even though we already know where most of the film is headed. Amadio also does a fantastic job of springing not just one, but two twists near the film's finale. Both worked perfectly as far as I'm concerned. Fantastic job of filmmaking. 

I can't say enough about the cast. I'm not really familiar with Tamburi, but here, she's perfect. Her transformation from shy schoolgirl to full-blown sexpot is a nice piece of acting. Tranquilli is a real pro, having appeared in a number of genre films I've seen in the past. As for Neri, I've sung her praises so many times in the past that doing so here would be pointless. I'll just say, she's good.

Based on my rating, it's obvious that the film isn't perfect in my eyes, but giallo fans really ought to check out this relatively obscure film. It's worth it.

7/10

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006)

"You're not gonna believe this, but there's a snow cone vendor out there not wearing a bra."  13 December 2017

As the title implies, Larry the Cable Guy has a new job as a health inspector. Larry finds himself saddled with a partner he didn't ask for, farting, the prospect of a new relationship, more farting, a boss who wants him fired, even more farting, and a series of mysterious food poisonings at some of the city's best restaurants. Larry's a busy guy.

I've seen a lot of dumb movies in my day, but Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector might just take the prize as the absolute dumbest. I think my IQ dropped a few points while I watched. The movie isn't much more than a continuous 80-something minute fart joke. The fart jokes go on and on and on. I didn't find the first one funny, so by the 50th, I was about ready to slit my wrists. Oh my God is this thing horrible! In between fart jokes, the movie finds time to offend just about every group imaginable. I'm not one that normally gets offended when watching a movie, but here, it slaps you in the face. Race, sexual orientation, handicaps, you name it - Larry treats them all with the same level of disdain and ridicule. It's bottom-of-the-barrel comedy. Still, I haven't rated the movie a 1/10 because, despite itself and my knowing better, there were a couple of moments that worked - most involving Larry's partner, Butlin.

I'm shocked the makers of Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector were able to convince some of these actors to take the job. Iris Bahr (playing the previously mentioned Butlin), Megyn Price, Joe Pantoliano, and Joanna Cassidy must have all really needed the work. I'm shocked any would lower themselves to appear in this dreck. I know they were paid, but I still feel sorry for them.

2/10

Berlin Express (1948)

"Sometimes I think we shall never get together on this earth until we find someone on Mars to hate."  12 December 2017

Berlin Express is a mystery set shortly after WWII on an Army transport train headed from Paris to Berlin. The train carries an assortment of characters, all with different backgrounds and allegiances. The trip is sidetracked in Frankfurt after the attempted assassination and later kidnapping of a German named Paul Lukas. Lukas has the ideas and wherewithal to deliver a unified post-WWII Germany. Others, however, do not want to see this happen and would rather Germany remain divided. I know a lot of this may sound vague and incomplete, but I've probably already given away too much of the mystery as it is.

Overall, I would describe Berlin Express as a nice, but never great, film. The movie opens with a voice-over narration that is absolutely necessary to set-up what's to come. These monologues can sometimes annoy me, but without it here, the film would have taken at least an additional hour to explain what was happening. The acting here is solid, but not necessarily spectacular. Robert Ryan and Merle Oberon head the talented United Nations-style cast. The mystery elements work in Berlin Express. Curt Siodmak is responsible for the twisted, sometimes confusing, but always engaging, screenplay. The big twist to the plot that comes near the 30 minute mark worked almost perfectly on me. It really caught me off guard. Most of the story is told in a documentary, matter-of-fact style that suits the somber surroundings. Speaking of the surroundings, the real star here are the locations. The movie was shot in the actual post-war ruins of Frankfurt. The bombed out building, the crumbling infrastructure, and the gut-wrenching homelessness are filmed magnificently. It's sad and horrific, but absolutely beautiful.

6/10

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)

"It's raining white women.", 10 December 2017

The Angels are charged with locating two rings. These aren't, however, any ordinary pair of rings. They contain secret information that, when decrypted, reveal information on everyone in the Federal Witness Protection Program. When witnesses on the list start turning up dead, it's obvious the Angels will have to step up their efforts. But the baddie is someone well known to the Angels - someone who knows the way the Angels work and think. In fact, she was once an Angel herself.

I really got a kick out of the first Charlie's Angels movie. It was dumb, but it was fun. In Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle there's just too much. I'm not sure I've seen this since I originally saw it in the theater, so I forgot how busy it all is. There are too many jokes, there are too many ridiculous situations, there are too many over-the- top fight scenes, there is too much of Cameron Diaz's booty shaking (if that's possible), and there is way, way too much CGI. The first movie took the original Charlie's Angels and turned it up a notch or two. This one rips the knob off. It proves the old adage that too much of a good thing can sometimes be a bad thing.

The highlight of the film for me is the cast. Diaz, Lucy Liu, and Drew Barrymore all have a charm to them that's a joy to watch. When the film is just the three of them without the huge special effects, these moments work. Unfortunately, these scenes are too few and far between. Also, I really enjoyed seeing Demi Moore. But then again, I always enjoying seeing Demi Moore.

Unfortunately, there's not much here to recommend. A 4/10 is the best rating I can give Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

4/10

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

What a mess!, 10 December 2017

What a mess! Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Transformers 2 for the rest of this) fails in almost every way possible. You have a $200,000,000 or so budget and this is the best you can do? I'm not sure how often I've used this word to describe a film, but Transformers 2 is just stupid. Here's the long, but still incomplete, list of my many problems with the movie:

1. The plot is a disaster. More accurately, I should say the film lacks a plot. The movie is little more than one gag after the next, whether it's an attempt at comedy or a visual gag, none of it really flows into a cohesive film. I suppose the main point of the film is a Decepticaon known as The Fallen wants to use a machine buried under the pyramids to destroy the Sun. Why? It's never really explained why he wants to do this. If it is, it's lost in all the nonsense included in Transformers 2. The "destroy the Sun" bit is really nothing more than a McGuffin designed to make The Fallen look evil and create an adversary for Optimus to fight. There's no other purpose to it.

2. The comedy in this thing is misplaced and rarely funny. The "comedy" bits with the parents, the twin Autobots, and the roommate - none of their attempts at comedy are funny in the least. The parents are more cringey than funny, the twins are more offensive than funny, and the roommate is more annoying than funny. It doesn't work.

3. The runtime at 2.5 hours is at least an hour too long. There's so much unnecessary crap in Transformers 2 that could have been cut to make a tighter, more focused film. The scenes with the parents, the scenes with the roommate, and the whole Army/government power struggle could have been cut without affecting what little plot the movie has. Sitting through one unnecessary scene after the next makes Transformers 2 longer than it should have been and an incredibly arduous process.

4. I know some praise the special effects, but to me, they're weak. The robots look horrible. If they weren't meant to be giant piles of random junk thrown together haphazardly, then director Michael Bay succeeded in presenting his vision. But if all the expensive CGI was meant to present interesting, unique characters, the special effects fail on an epic scale. In the big fight scenes, it's almost impossible to distinguish on robot form the next. They all look equally horrible and just alike.

5. I suppose my biggest complaint and what all this leads to is that I'm not much of a fan of MIchael Bay's style of directing. Bigger and louder don't necessarily mean better. And the way the film jumps from one scene to the next, it makes me wonder if there's not a 6-year old with ADD trapped inside Bay's body. It gets annoying after about 5 minutes. Don't misunderstand - you can make a big special effects film if you've got a good story and interesting characters. But Bay seems to think that all you need to do is throw a wad of cash at CGI and that makes a good movie. Well, it doesn't as Transformers 2 proves.

3/10

Deadly Chase (1978)

- Il commissario Verrazzano
Reasonably entertaining, but odd Italian film, 10 December 2017

Police Commissioner Verrazzano (Luc Merenda) is asked to investigate the death of a man originally ruled a suicide. The dead man's sister is convinced that someone murdered her brother. Soon after his investigation begins, Verrazzono's begins to suspect there might be something to the woman's story. It's obvious that someone doesn't want Verrazzono to find the truth.

Overall, Deadly Chase is a reasonably entertaining, but odd little film. It's not great and there are scenes that lack much of interest, but if you're a fan of 70s Italian genre films, it's at least worth checking out. Described as a Poliziotessch, it's not as violent as most in the genre. Sure, there are deaths and such, but the film lacks the over-the-top gun battles and explosions I usually associate with the genre. Instead, Deadly Chase is more of a mystery. The plot is similar to a Giallo with it's many twists and turns. It gets quite (unnecessarily) complicated and almost impossible to follow. But that's always part of the fun with an Italian film from the 70s.

I always enjoy seeing Luc Merenda. He has an easy going style about him that sets him apart from many of his contemporaries. I'm not saying he's better than someone like George Hinton or any other actor I could name from the period, just different. He's solid here. Merenda is joined by quite a cast of female costars, including Janet Agren, Patrizia Gori, María Baxa, and the always enjoyable Luciana Paluzzi. One of my complaints is that Paluzzi isn't really given much to do. Still, it's always a treat to see her on-screen.

5/10

Speed Racer "The Car Hater" #1.26 (1967)

"Listen! Stop driving cars! They're much too dangerous!", 3 December 2017

Even by Speed Racer standards, this is a bizarre episode. In The Car Hater, Speed and Co run into a man who has made his hatred for cars his life's obsession. His son was killed in a car crash, so he's out to rid the world of cars. l think one of my favorite scenes has to be where the titular Car Hater uses his horse whip to try to destroy the Mach 5. I know you want to destroy all cars, but with that whip, I doubt you'll be very successful. Another bit of interesting logic - after being unsuccessful with the whip, he hires some goons to tamper with all the cars in town, turning them into deathtraps on wheels. Murdering the citizens of Anytown is a better alternative? Also, you might hate cars, but riding your horse in the middle of the road, not to mention on a racetrack filled with high performance vehicles, is begging to get yourself killed. Again, bizarre.

Finally, I thought it was kind of weird that this episode, #26, opens with a several minute discussion on all of the special features of the Mach 5. It's done documentary style with Speed talking directly to the viewer. It exists outside The Car Hater's plot. I would have thought that this discussion would have occurred much earlier in the series. I'm guessing it was filmed and the makers were just waiting for a shorter episode to fit it in. It's just odd that it appears here.

6/10

Highlander (1986)

"There can be only one!", 2 December 2017

Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert) is an immortal Scottish swordsman who must do battle with others of his kind in modern day America. The battle will leave only one immortal left alive. Because as we're told repeatedly, "There can be only one!"

I doubt I've actually watched all of Highlander since I saw it in the theater back in 1986. Overall, it's a pretty fun experience with plenty of fights, mystical mumbo-jumbo, and a wonderfully over-the-top performance form scene chewing Sean Connery. I love the scene where Lambert calls Connery a "Spanish peacock". Good stuff. But the highlight for me has to be Clancy Brown as the evil Krugan. He's amazing. The voice, the menacing size, and the pure delight in his eyes during his fight scenes really make Highlander special. It's a really enjoyable performance.

I also enjoy all the mixed-up accents in Highlander. Clancy Brown is from a supposed ancient race of fighters, yet sounds like he's from modern day America. Lambert, despite his French accent, is a Scotsman. And the decidedly Scottish Connery is Spainish in the film. How bizarre.

Other than reeking of the worst of the 80s, my biggest complaint with the movie is with the sound. The looping and dubbing are horrible. It gets very distracting every once in a while. I think every line Lambert utters was dropped in in post. Ugh.

7/10

Daredevil (2003)

"He paid in fluke. Fluke is a fish, Matt.", 1 December 2017

Blinded as a child when a vat of radioactive goo hits his face, Matt Murdock discovers his other senses have been uber-heightened. As he grows, he trains as a fighter and learns to use his newly found powers to fight for good. That "good" includes bringing down Kingpin – the city's biggest crime lord and the man ultimately responsible for the death of his love, Elektra.

This was a first time viewing for me. It may not be fair, but watching the 2003 Daredevil film in 2017, it's impossible not to compare it with the Netflix series. Let's see – they both, obviously, feature the blind titular hero. They both feature a ruthless criminal named Kingpin. They both feature a love interest / fighter named Electra. And they both feature a lot of fight scenes. But beyond these superficial similarities, the movie and the series couldn't be more different. Ben Affleck looks horribly stiff – especially in his fight scenes. His movements are unnatural. Michael Clark Duncan might have been a wonderful actor, but like Affleck, he's also stiff - too stiff to be an effective Kingpin. I don't think the weight he gained for the role did him any favors. As bad as Affleck looks in the fight scenes, Jennifer Garner as Elektra is even worse. She looks like someone in an aerobic kickboxing class, not someone who could actually hurt you in a fight. Finally, while both films feature a ton of fighting, the stuff in the movie is child's play in comparison with the brutality displayed in the series. The fight scenes from Netflix's Daredevil are miles better and way more convincing. 

If all that weren't bad enough, the 2003 movie also features an over- the-top Colin Farrell as Bullseye (and I don't mean over-the-top in a good way like I often do), a duller than dirt screenplay (boring), and a lot of bad CGI (the movie looks horrible). To put it bluntly, the movie stinks. I'm being terribly generous by giving it a 3/10.

3/10

Star Pilot (1966)

- 2+5: Missione Hydra
Confusing but fun, 30 November 2017

I haven't done this in a while, but for Star Pilot, I'm going to use the plot summary from IMDb: "Aliens from the constellation Hydra crash-land on the island of Sardinia. A prominent scientist, his daughter, several young technicians, and a pair of Oriental spies are taken hostage by the beings so they can use them to repair their spaceship's broken engine. With that done, they take off towards their home planet, taking the earthlings with them. However, the humans attempt to mutiny against their captors, inadvertently sending their tiny spaceship hurtling into the infinite beyond."

I used the IMDb plot summary because, even after watching Star Pilot, I'm not entirely sure what it was all about. The movie made very little sense to me. But even though I may have been confused during most of the movie, parts of it were still a lot of fun in a campy / cheesy sort of way. Instead of the usual write-up I do, here are a few random thoughts I have regarding Star Pilot:

1. While the cast wasn't much to write home about, it's always cool seeing Kirk Morris and Gordon Mitchell outside a Sword and Sandal film. I just wish Mitchell had been in the film for more than 20 seconds. Other than getting his name in the credits, I'm not really sure why the filmmakers even bothered.

2. There's a decent size chunk of the film "borrowed" from Doomsday Machine. The differences in film quality, acting, and everything else is a little jarring. It's shocking just how good the stuff from Doomsday Machine looks in comparison. The clips include a scene with Casey Kasem – minus Kasem's very recognizable voice.

3. Why bother with the Chinese secret agents? It adds absolutely nothing to the plot. It seems like such an unnecessary plot detail that amounts to nothing in the end.

4. I suppose that if I had to pick a highlight, it would be actress Leontine May's ever-shrinking wardrobe. She begins the film fairly modestly dressed, but by the end, she's wearing a full body fishnet with a few strategically placed feathers.

In some ways, the 5/10 I've given Star Pilot may not be fair. The copy I watched seemed to be horribly cut-up. IMDb lists a runtime of 89 minutes. The version I watched was only 81 minutes. I'm not sure how much difference the extra 8 minutes would make, but I'd certainly be up for giving it another go with a complete copy.

5/10

Rising Sun (1993)

"You should know, I'm a black belt.", 29 November 2017

Rising Sun is basically a buddy-cop movie paring the unlikely duo of Sean Connery and Wesley Snipes. In the movie, both are cops who have a working relationship with the local Asian-American community. So, when a murder occurs during a party at the Nakamoto Company's American headquarters, they are called in to help with the investigation.

First, I'm not going to go into detail on the racial / racist aspects of the film that you can read about in other posts. I'll just limit my comments to this – making the baddies in this movie Japanese does not automatically make it a racist film. I've read a number of comments that seem to indicate that if you make a group (whether it's Asian, African-American, Jewish, or whatever) the bad guys, then you're a racist. If you believe in this argument, then I suppose the only safe group that can play the bad guys are white dudes. Just like good guys, bad guys should and do come from every imaginable race or ethnic group. I suppose the filmmakers could have done a better job of presenting more Asians in a positive light, but the movie was already bloated enough without cowing to PC drivel.

Anyway, as for Rising Sun, overall I'm going to call it about average. The film has a few nice action sequences, enjoyable performances from Connery and Snipes, and a plot with enough twists and turns (even though the real killer's identity is as obvious as the hand in front of your face) to keep me reasonably interested throughout. I guess my favorite bits were (1) the way Tia Carerra uncovered the altered video (interesting) and (2) watching Snipes use his marital arts skills near the end of the film (awesome). Also, similar to his Bond film, You Only Live Twice, I got a real kick out of Connery's alleged expertise in all things Japanese. That may be the most racist part of the film, but Connery is so hysterical I can't help but be entertained (Note: I'm laughing at Connery – not Japanese customs or people).

As for what didn't work for me, like the last film I wrote about, Rising Sun is horribly bloated. At over two hours in length, it overstays its welcome by about 30 minutes. There are so many things that could have been cut without really affecting the final film. Why is Steve Busciei even in the movie? Cut his scenes and save a few minutes there. Why do we need more than one scene explaining how to bow? Cut out the others and you've saved several more minutes. Why is so much time spent with Connery and Snipes jibber-jabbering about nothing? Cut some of that out and save even more minutes. There are dozens of other examples I could cite where, with judicious editing, the movie could have been trimmed to a lean 90 minutes.

In the end, this is another of those cases where the good and the bad pretty much balance out. I'm left with rating Rising Sun a 5/10.

5/10

Suicide Squad (2016)

"Puddin'!", 28 November 2017

In the aftermath of the events played out in Batman v Superman, some in the government are concerned about handling the next meta-human crises the world might face. Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) puts together a team of super criminals, each with their own unique power/talents to deal with such a threat. The newly formed Suicide Squad is called in to action almost immediately when one of Waller's recruits turns and threatens to destroy the world. 

When I first caught wind of Suicide Squad, I was excited. My excitement started to wane as I read more and more about the movie. By the time it hit theaters and I read the initial reviews, I decided to wait to watch it. I finally sat down with it last night. And while it's not as bad as some would have you believe (I mean a 1/10 is an absolutely ridiculous rating for this movie), overall, it's a bloated mess of a film. The end result is a mostly unentertaining and quite often boring film. A lot of the problems with Suicide Squad could have been remedied with some judicious editing, a more streamlined cast, and baddies with better defined purpose. 

Editing – There are many useless moments in the film that seem to exist only to extend the film's ridiculously long runtime. For example (and I could cite dozens), right out of the gate, Waller is involved in two separate meetings to discuss the possibility of forming the Suicide Squad. Why not one? Why did we need to see her make her case twice? Totally unnecessary. 

Cast – The cast is far too large. Some of the characters are unnecessary to the film. Why include them? The Suicide Squad could have easily consisted of Deadshot, Harley Quinn, and El Diablo. Characters like Captain Boomerang, Katana, Slipknot (why bother with him in the first place), Killer Croc and even Joker (yes, even Joker), could have been eliminated without changing a whole lot of the film. All these characters only serve to take up screen time, confuse the issue, and extend the film's runtime. I'm thankful they weren't all given the same detailed backstories like Deadshot and Harley – otherwise, this would have been a 3+ hour movie.

Baddies – The baddies, Enchantress and her brother, are so poorly defined that I still have no idea what they were up to. I know they were trying to destroy the world, but why? What was their endgame? Maybe it's explained, but if it is, it's not explained very well. How about a baddie with a real plan? If you really want Joker in the movie, make him the baddie. The conflict Harley would have been forced to go through would have made for a better movie than this.

Those are my three main points, but there are more I could get into if I wanted, like: bad CGI, some ridiculous dialogue, the gooey minions that reminded me of a Power Ranger's villain (and were about as threatening), and a soundtrack that, though it includes some great songs, got annoying real quick. All of these negatives overshadow any fun that might have been in the script and the solid performances from Viola Davis, Margo Robbie, Joel Kinnaman, and Jay Hernandez. In the end, I consider Suicide Squad a wasted opportunity for DC to bring in some new fans. The original idea and the trailers promised so much more than was actually delivered. I'm rating this one a very disappointing, but generous, 4/10.

4/10

As You Wish: The Story of 'The Princess Bride' (2001)

Entertaining and enlightening, 26 November 2017

I was one of those fortunate enough to see The Princess Bride in the theaters back in 1987. My wife and I recently shared the film with our oldest son (I'm happy to say he enjoyed it) and I stumbled on this little "making of" short. It's obvious that the people in the movie look back on it fondly. Their stories are told with a great deal of love and humor. I think my favorite bits have to be the casts' recollections of working with Andre the Giant. I especially like the story of Andre putting his huge hand on Robin Wright's head to help keep her warm. He seemed like such a sweet man. It's just one of the many interesting bits I picked up watching this short.

As for a rating, I'll use the scale I always use with documentaries and shorts. Was it entertaining? Does it do what it intended to do? The answer to both is "yes". Even though I was left wanting more, the 20+ minute runtime is filled with so many good memories and stories, it's impossible to watch this short as a fan of the film and not be entertained and enlightened. Very nicely done.

8/10

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

"If you can't do it with one bullet, don't do it at all.", 25 November 2017

The year is 1899 and a man known as "M" gathers together a group literary characters for a mission designed to prevent a world war. Participants include: Allan Quatermain, Captain Nemo, and Dr. Henry Jekyll (with Mr. Hyde tagging along).

I have friends who love The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, but I don't get it. I've seen this film twice now and on each occasion, I was bored out of my mind. To me, the movie is a dull mess of ideas that never really work. There's too much bad CGI, too many poorly lit action sequences, and a monotonous color palette that doesn't extend beyond gray. The gathering of characters seems to be more important than the mission. It takes about half the film to get them all together. And it's all done in a smug, condescending sort of way that gets annoying real fast. I know who these characters are - I don't need an extended exposition on each one. It's insulting. And speaking of insulting, I can't believe what the writers forced Sean Connery to say and do. He has some really embarrassing moments. None more so than when he's forced to pantomime throwing the invisible man out of his room. As I said, it's embarrassing for a man of his stature. Overall, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is a waste of time with few redeeming qualities. I'm not surprised that Connery decided to hang it up after starring in this disaster.

3/10

Green Lantern (2011)

"Are you afraid, human?", 24 November 2017

Cocky test pilot Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) is the first human recruited to join the Green Lantern Corps – a centuries old intergalactic police force. To the more experienced members of the force, Hal is unlikely to ever live-up to the standards of the Corps. Even Hal doubts he can measure up. Meanwhile, an evil being, known as Parallax, has escaped from an underground prison. The best and brightest of the Green Lanterns engage Parallax, but are ultimately defeated. As Parallax continues its deadly rampage across space, it's on a collision course with Earth. Without support from the rest of the Green Lanterns, Hal is left on his own to face an enemy too powerful for the rest of the Corps.

I've never read any Green Lantern comics, so I'm not very familiar with the character, backstory, or anything else. Therefore, I'm not going to make comments on how faithful the film is or is not to the source material. Considering all the negative things I've read across the internet on Green Lantern, I was surprised to find I enjoyed the movie as much as I did. It's nowhere near as bad as I'd been led to believe. A few things that worked for me: the overall story arc, the handling of the Green Lantern Corps, the uber-creepy Dr Harry Hammonds, and some of the action sequences and death scenes. Speaking of death scenes, when Tim Robbins is burned to a crisp, it's one of the "best" moments in the whole film. I also really liked the way director Martin Campbell and the special effects people involved with the film chose to image the Green Lanterns' powers and bring them to the screen. Very creative. If some of the acting (Blake Lively displays the emotional range of a rock) and characters (Ryan Reynolds plays Hal like the biggest ass on the planet), Green Lantern might have been a much better overall film. Still, a 5/10 isn't all that bad for a movie that, going in, I thought was going to be hot garbage.

Having watched Green Lantern after Ryan Reynolds made Deadpool, am I alone in looking at his portrayal of Hal as something like Deadpool- lite? It's like he used Green Lantern as a dry run of sorts for Deadpool. It's not as over-the-top, but there are similarities. However, with Deadpool, it's funny, but with Green Lantern, he looks like a d__k.

5/10

Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

"I am Hela, Odin's firstborn, commander of the legions of Asgard, the rightful heir to the throne and the Goddess of Death.", 23 November 2017

Thor must do battle with Hela, a sister he never knew he had, if he is to save Asgard. But first, he'll have to escape a gladiatorial planet where he's pitted against an old Friend, Hulk.

Overall, Thor: Ragnarok is a very entertaining super-hero, popcorn flick. It really delivers as far as eye-candy goes. Wild fight scenes, amazing spacecraft duels, and crazy special effects at every turn. At times, this thing can be a sensory overload. There's so much going on. Example - the coliseum fight between Thor and Hulk. I would have loved to see that scene slow down just a bit to fully take in the arena and all the crazy looking spectators. I also enjoyed the introduction of Valkyrie. Marvel newcomer Tessa Thompson is a standout in this film. And Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song might have been used for a cheap audience bump, but it worked on me all the same.

Despite being wildly entertaining, Thor: Ragnarok is far from perfect. My two lesser complaints include the character Hela (underdeveloped) and some of the cheap looking CGI. My biggest complaint, though, is with the amount of comedy included in the film. I expect a movie like Antman or Spiderman to include a fair amount of comedy - but not a Thor/Hulk film. The way they throw one-liners at each other gets to be downright silly. They were serious characters in the comics I grew up watching - not candidates for open-mike night at the local improv club. It's all wrong.

Still, there's too much here to enjoy to call this a bad film. I'm giving it a 7/10.

7/10

Lucy (2014)

"Time is the only true unit of measure. It gives proof to the existence of matter. Without time, we don't exist.", 22 November 2017

Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) gets mixed up with a group of ruthless drug smugglers. Still trying to process what's actually going on, she wakes to discover the smugglers have sewn a packet of a new drug into her stomach. Before she can deliver the drugs, however, the packet busts open, releasing the powerful drug into her system. The drug's effect is an ever increasing utilization of her brain. Soon, Lucy is capable of manipulating matter and energy with her mind. She contacts a renowned scientist for assistance. She realizes that the drug will kill her within 24 hours and she wants to pass on the knowledge she's gained. But the smugglers are intent on getting their drugs back. They follow Lucy half way round the world for a final showdown.

Overall, Lucy is a fantastically entertaining film. The action is nice with plenty of fights, gun battles, and car chases. The direction from Luc Besson couldn't be much better. He keeps things moving at a very lively pace. The acting is also superb. Scarlett Johansson proves once again that a woman can be successful as the lead in an action oriented film. And Johansson does an excellent job portraying the changes to Lucy as the drug changes her brain. Nicely done. The supporting cast is also solid. I particularly enjoyed the performance of Amr Waked as the bewildered French policeman who helps Lucy in her journey. Another highlight for me has to be the special effects. Just amazing. Finally, even though things do get a bit messy and even rushed toward the end (this is my biggest complaint), I still had fun with it. The time travel bits were especially moving.

I really like and appreciate the message I got out of Lucy. Being a father of two boys and getting older each day, I too sometimes feel that the only real commodity of any value that I have is time. Time to spend with my wife and kids, time to do things I enjoy, time to live my life – that's what's important. It's not material objects or anything else. It's the limited time we each have on this Earth.

Finally, if you read comments on Lucy, you'll sooner rather than later run into criticism of the scientific errors made by the film. People love to point them out. I honestly didn't have any problem with the film's scientific realism. It's a movie – I wasn't expecting a science lesson. I accepted the scientific mumbo-jumbo just as I would in any sci-fi film. In the reality in which the films is set, it all makes sense. In our reality, it doesn't. I went with it and didn't let it affect my overall entertainment.

7/10