Wild Wild West (1999)

Even worse than I remembered, 4 November 2017

My one sentence plot summary: Agent Jim West (Will Smith) teams with Agent Artemus Gordon (Kevin Kline) to topple a super-villain named Dr. Arliss Loveless (Kenneth Branagh) who has designs to take over the United States government. I'm not going to bother going into any more detail because Wild Wild West isn't worth the time or effort it would take. Wild Wild West is a bloated, gas-filled, disaster of a film. Unfortunately, I saw this thing in the theater back in 1999. If it's possible, it's even worse now watching it some 18 years later. Absolutely nothing works. The comedy is so far from being funny it's ridiculous. The endless series of jokes about about Jim West being an African American get old and tiring real quick. I get it - he's black - quit beating that dead horse and move on to something else. The jokes about race were so annoying that the unfunny and obvious jokes about Selma Hayek's butt and boobs were actually a welcome change of pace. Believe me when I say that the comedy misses it's mark every time. The rest of the script is equally disastrous and as poorly written as my attempt at writing this little review. When we're not treated to unfunny attempts at comedy, it seems that all the writers could come up with was to have Jim West and Artimus Gordon engage in endless bickering like an old married couple. Or, having the boys are put in dangerous situations that I couldn't be bothered to care about because I hated the characters so much. Finally, all the steam punk trappings end up looking as silly as Kevin Kline dressed as a woman. A steam-powered 80-foot steel spider - whatever! There's just nothing here I found enjoyable.

The actors are horrible. Will Smith is miscast. His modern sensibilities do not play well in the role of an 1860s-era government agent. Kevin Kline is no better. And he's not helped by the poorly and ridiculously written character he's given to work with. Branagh is also bad. He's not funny in the slightest - just annoying. And that accent is embarrassing. Selma Hayek is the only cast member I'll say anything positive about and I'm sure part of that is due to her lack of screen time. I'm positive that with a larger role, she would have been terrible also.

In the end, I cannot rate Wild Wild West any higher than a 2/10. I'm not going to bother to look, but just how much money was wasted on this piece of monkey excrement?

2/10