Laser Mission (1989)

“You see, with the Varbeek diamond and my laser, I can create a nuclear weapon.”  3 June 2020

Like a lot of people, I stumbled across Laser Mission in a $1 DVD bin at a discount store several years ago.  I finally got around to watching it recently and what a total bonkers, but fairly enjoyable experience.  The plot is a hot mess, but here goes:  A CIA mercenary (as the theme song reminds us over and over and over), Michael Gold (Brandon Lee), is hired to (a) rescue a world renowned laser scientist and (b) retrieve one of the world’s largest diamonds.  It seems that said scientist can somehow use the diamond and his knowledge of lasers to create a nuclear weapon (I think).  

Laser Mission is another of those movies that further proves my ratings are based on entertainment value and not the quality of the production.  In all honesty, Laser Mission is a total mess and pretty much a dumpster fire.  In addition to the confusing plot (for example, just try to figure out what country these people are supposed to be in - go ahead - I dare you), the movie features some incredibly poor editing, ridiculous dialogue, dodgy acting (those ever-changing accents are a hoot), lame special effects, amateurish action sequences, groan-inducing attempts at comedy, lead actress Debi Monahan’s screechy voice, and, despite the title, nary a laster in sight.  However, regardless of this list of negatives, I found Laser Mission not just watchable, but mostly entertaining.  I think all of the craziness I’ve listed, when combined, created something that's just good fun.

I haven’t mentioned it yet, but I was amazed to see Ernest Borgnine pop up in a dog like Laser Mission.  I’ve enjoyed Borgnine as an actor since I first saw McHale’s Navy in reruns as a child.   Despite the ridiculous script, he gives it his all.  He easily outacts everyone in the cast.  

5/10