Firepower (1979)

Sophia Loren and James Coburn . . . Yes Please!, 26 July 2019

The Quick Pitch:  A respected chemist is murdered because of information he has on some faulty pharmaceuticals.  The chemist’s wife, Adele Tasca (Shopia Loren) wants the government to bring gun-for-hire Jerry Fanon (James Coburn) out of retirement to track down the man responsible.  From there on, things get complicated with twist after twist that I’m not going to even try to explain.

Across the internet, I see a lot of people slagging on Firepower.  No, it’s not great and it’s got its share of problems, but it sure is fun.  As my title indicates, tell me a movie stars both Loren and Coburn and I’m in.  I thought both were quite good given the material they were handed. The supporting cast is interesting, with Anthony Franciosa, Eli Wallach, Vincent Gardenia, and O.J. Simpson (Simpson’s line about not killing anyone made me chuckle).  Add in plenty of over-the-top explosions, lots of intrigue, and some fantastic looking Caribbean locations, and everything is in place for a good time.   

Unfortunately, though, there’s  a thing called plot that’s necessary for a good movie.  The problem with Firepower is that the plot is too complicated for its own good.  There are so many twists and turns that I defy anyone to keep up and understand everything that’s going on.  Who is on whose side? What is the mob’s role? Who is Fanon’s lookalike and why is he in the movie? A simpler plot would have really helped.  

One more thing that gave me more than one unintentional laugh, as Fanon and Co are making their escape from the baddie’s plantation, they are helped along over and over again by some of the most fortunate coincidences I’ve ever seen.  For example, Fanon is being chased by three guys on horseback with a helicopter overhead. Miraculously, just as the baddies are bearing down on Fanon, a preset explosive detonates, destroying the helicopter. The three biggest chunks of the wreckage just happen to hit the three guys on the horses.  How convenient!  

5/10

Jungle Warriors (1984)

A real letdown, 25 July 2019

The Quick Pitch:  A group of models headed to South America for a photoshoot are shot down while flying too low over a cocaine plantation.  The women are imprisoned, tortured, and raped. They make their inevitable escape only to interrupt a high-level confab between the drug runners and the mafia.  Much gunfire and bloodshed ensues.

Let me start this by saying that I’m usually a fan of WIP films – I love most of the stuff Pam Grier and Co were churning out in the 70s.  Also, I realize that I watched a butchered version of Jungle Warriors. I know that lots of what most people call the good bits you find in a WIP were cut out.  However, I’m not really sure any of the excised footage would change my opinion. Jungle Warriors is just too slow and predictable to be entertaining. I was bored out of my mind throughout most of the film.  Throw in some pathetic acting, poor special effects, and lazy fight choreography and you end up with a real dud.  

With that being said, one of the bigger issues I have with Jungle Warriors is the underutilization of Sybil Danning.  When you watch a movie with Sybil Danning so prominently featured on the box/poster artwork, you want to see a movie with Sybil Danning.  She’s barely in the thing (at least my cut). And when she is, she really doesn’t do much of anything. 

As bad as the movie is, I did get a chuckle watching Paul L Smith do some serious running.  I doubt he ever moved that fast in the rest of his entire life. Overall though, a real letdown from start to finish.

3/10

Barquero (1970)

“I shot and scalped a lot of freckle-faced kids” 24 July 2019

The Quick Pitch:  Remy (Warren Oates) is the leader of a band of outlaws.  He wants to cross a river on his way to Mexico. The titular barquero, Travis (Lee Van Cleef), isn’t going to let him use his barge.  He knows it will be destroyed to prevent others from following. A stand-off ensues.

Until I stumbled on this last night, I had no idea Barquero even existed.  What a find! Warren Oates and Lee Van Cleef in the same movie. These guys just ooze machismo.  Throw in a supporting cast featuring Forrest Tucker and Kerwin Mathews and there was no way I wouldn’t enjoy Barquero.  The opening shootout as Remy and his men slaughter everyone in a small town to steal a wagon load of guns is an over-the-top joy to behold.  And the last act where Remy and Travis are drawn into their final, inevitable showdown is just plain old awesome.

The problem with Barquero is the bits that come between the beginning and the end.  Unfortunately, the second act really drags with Remy and Travis separated by a river.  They shout back and forth, but there’s really not much else that happens. Too bad, because with this kind of cast, some fantastic locations, and plenty of blood and violence, Barquero had the potential to be legendary.   

6/10

Kill and Kill Again (1981)

Love that beard!, 23 July 2019

The quick pitch:  Martial arts master Steve Chase is hired to rescue an important scientist who has been kidnapped for his potato-to-fuel formula.  His chemical process also produces a mind-control drug that the evil Marduk intends to use for world domination. (What kind of potatoes do they grow in South Africa?)   

Until I ran across Kill and Kill Again, I had no idea that a South African martial arts movie was a thing.  After watching this one, if there are more, I see why they’re not very well known. Overall, Kill and Kill Again is not really a very good movie.  Acting, special effects, editing, and much of the script come straight from the bottom of the proverbial barrel. Two things that especially annoyed me, however, were (1) the lame, simplistic final act and (2) the uber slow-paced fight choreography.  

That’s not to say that Kill and Kill Again is all bad.  There is quite a bit of fun to be had - even if some of it might be an unintentional laugh or two.  The scenes where Chase is putting his band together are a highlight. Tug-of-war with a guy named Gorilla, levitation practice with the Fly, and junkyard fights with pal Gypsy Billy - it might be stupid fun, but it’s still fun.  And then there’s chief baddie Marduk - he’s not really so menacing as he is ridiculous looking. That beard he wears looked like something you’d find after Halloween in a dollar store clearance bin. Too funny.  

4/10

I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summar (2006)

“Zoe, did you tell anyone?”, 22 July 2019

The quick pitch:  If you’ve seen I Know What You Did Last Summer, you know what to expect.  A young man is killed in a prank gone wrong. HIs friends vow to keep the details a secret.  A year later, someone who knows the truth starts sending threatening messages.  

Was there really a demand for I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer?  I Know What You Did Last Summer was, honestly, a decent enough movie and I Still Know You Did Last Summer was reasonably funny in a “so bad, it’s good” sort of way.  But this thing is completely unnecessary. In comparison, the first two movies are masterpieces. I’ll Always Know . . . is a complete disaster.

I have no desire to go into a long-winded review - it’s just not worth it.  Instead, I’ll make a list of the most heinous issues I have with the movie:

• Colorado?  A hook-handed fisherman in Colorado.  Sure, why not?
• The direction and editing are horribly distracting.  I think someone was trying to be a bit too artsy with clever scene changes and camera angles.  Instead, it’s all so annoying.
• I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a group of characters in a horror movie more deserving of being butchered.  None of them has a single redeeming quality. They’re the worst!  
• The plot . . .

STOP IT!  This movie really is the worst.  No point in going any further with this list.  The 2/10 I’ve rated I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer is incredibly generous.

2/10

The Minotaur, the Wild Beast of Crete (1960)

“Receive, oh Minotaur, the sacrifice of our virgin youth in tribute to thy vast glory.”, 19 July 2019

The quick pitch:  On her mother’s deathbed, Princess Fedra learns she has a twin.  Her reaction is to order her lost sister’s death. Oh, and there’s a minotaur living below the palace that requires virgin sacrifices.

For a movie called The Minotaur, the Wild Beast of Crete, I expected a bit more Minotaur action.  The creature doesn’t really make an appearance until the last 10 minutes, so he’s hardly a factor.  In the age of CGI we live in, the Minotaur may look silly and stiff, but I found the look pretty effective.  Fortunately, with all the plotting and scheming of Princess Fedra, there’s enough here to at least be somewhat entertaining.  Rosanna Schiaffino does an acceptable job in the dual role of the evil Fedra and the kind-hearted Arianna.  In addition, Alberto Lupo is convincing as Fedra’s sinister sidekick. They really are an enjoyable pair. And, as I’ve already alluded to, much of the plot is entertaining - nothing groundbreaking, but I found myself drawn into the story.  If it weren’t for the clunky acting on the part of hero Bob Mathias and the even clunkier fight choreography, I could’ve seen myself rate this one much higher. Still, a 5/10 ain’t all bad.

5/10

Zone Troopers (1985)

It’s all so cheap looking, 17 July 2019

The quick pitch:  In the midst of WWII, the Nazis and Allies find something else to fight over - a crashed alien craft.

Ever wondered what would have happened if aliens had crashed in the middle of a WWII battlefield?  Yeah, me neither.  Zone Troopers takes this lame idea and sucks the life out of it.  The script is horribly dull, the direction is flat, and the acting is poor.  My biggest complaint though is that Zone Troopers is so cheap looking.  I wasn’t expecting much from the aliens (and the FX didn’t disappoint), but I hoped for more from the battle scenes.  Instead of battle-hardend soldiers, these guys reminded me of yokels playing paintball out in the woods.  The googly-eyed alien comes of looking not-half-bad in comparison.  

My “favorite” bit had to be the American soldier punching HItler.  How stupid was that?


3/10