Mind Ripper (1995)

“Loose ends come back to haunt you.”  10 June 2020

A group of government scientists working in an abandoned bunker in the middle of the desert fortuitously come across a wounded man on the brink of death.  I say “fortuitously” because not only are they miles from civilization, but they just happen to be working on an experiment to reanimate the dead (or some such nonsense) when a test subject miraculously falls into their laps.  As expected, the man regains consciousness and goes on a killing rampage, knocking-off the scientists one-by-one.  The man-creature, who they’ve ridiculously named THOR, needs some sort of substance that can only be found in the human brain (it kind of reminded me of all those movies from the 50s where the monster needed pineal juice).  Anyway, our heroes are of course trapped in the bunker with no way out.  And that’s pretty much it . . well, except for the phallic-like thing that comes out of THOR’s mouth that he uses to do his mind ripping.  

Mind Ripper proves the point that Wes Craven would attach his name to any old garbage for a paycheck.  I admit that there are a couple of nice, creepy moments, but overall, this one’s not very good.  The film gets off to such a slow start that it just about put me to sleep. The first 20 or so minutes are excruciatingly dull with people you don’t know doing this you don’t understand in a bunker that has all the visual appeal of the inside of a trash can.  The acting is a mixed bag.  I thought Lance Heriksen and Claire Stansfield were fine, but then you have Natasha Wagner’s often laugh-out-loud line delivery.  She’s not helped at all by the script which gives every character clunky, silly dialogue.  As for THOR, I thought Dan Blom was fine as long as he was scuttling about on all fours, but he’s really not much of an actor.  And his creature make-up was mostly laughable.  Finally, the ending is uber-predictable.  Who didn’t see bad son Scott suddenly making a 180 turn to save the day?  And who couldn’t have predicted THOR’s unwillingness to just die so the movie could (mercifully) end?  

3/10

Chinatown at Midnight (1949)

A pretty poor script,  9 June 2020

Thug and thief Clifford Ward (Hurd Hatfield) knocks-off a shop in Chinatown to get his hands on a valuable jade vase.  In the process, he kills two innocent store employees.  The police start going through clues and Ward feels the heat.

Overall, I wasn’t overly impressed with Chintown at Midnight.  The acting is fine, the San Francisco locations add a nice touch of reality, Ward is an appropriately ruthless killer, and the final chase is nicely filmed.  But there are so many “silly” moments, that I found myself laughing a time or two - not what you want out of a noirish police procedural.  Here’s a list of some of what I’m talking about, but please note - SPOILER WARNING:

1. Why say anything into the phone?  You’ve just killed two people, why put the cops on your tail so quickly?  Just hang-up the phone or, better yet, run away. 

2. There’s one scene where the police have Ward trapped in a dark building,  This leads to a fairly intense shootout.  Ward runs into an alley, ditches his gun and overcoat, and joins a nearby bread-line.  The cops enter the same alley and don’t so much as glance at the four or five guys getting dinner.  What incompetence!

3. There are at least three (and maybe four) instances where the cops might have captured Ward without incident if they didn’t rush into every situation like bulls in a china shop.  Example - thinking they might catch Ward returning to his rooming house, the police decide to stake-out the place.  Instead of quietly assuming their positions, three police cars come barreling from different directions and park directly in front of the house, all but blocking the street.  Real subtle work.  (This is the moment I actually found myself laughing.)

4. In the final shootout, Ward runs up some stairs toward the roof.  A policeman is waiting for him.  Ward tries to shoot but his gun is obviously empty.  Instead of taking the now unarmed Ward into custody, the cop on the roof unloads on him with a tommy-gun.  Talk about unnecessary force.  But I suppose the writer and director wanted Ward to go out in a hail of bullets regardless of how ridiculous the circumstances.

There are more examples I could cite, but you get the idea.  These “silly” moments really undo what was otherwise a tight, tense thriller.  It was never going to be a great movie, but Chinatown at Midnight never had a chance with this script.

4/10

The Circus Queen Murder (1933)

“It’s a well known fact that cannibals differ from the rest of us in their dietary customs.”  5 June 2020

Police commissioner Thatcher Colt (Adolphe Menjou) has had it up to here with New York crime.  Wanting to get away and recharge the batteries, he sets off with his secretary for a vacation in the middle-of-nowhere upstate New York.  There, Colt runs into a traveling circus and murder.  Not much of a vacation.

It’s unfortunate that The Circus Queen Murder suffers from such a poor storyline, becuase there’s a lot here to like.  The film looks absolutely fantastic and the acting is as strong as you’ll find in a “B” from this era, but there’s not much to work with when it comes to the story.  First, the film’s title gives away far too much, destroying any hope of suspense.  Second, the killer’s identity is a given throughout the film, destroying any hope of mystery.  Third, the film’s pacing is a mess.  I’m convinced that director Roy William Neill did the best he could, but without much to work with, the film tends to bog down from time-to-time (who am I kidding - parts of the film are downright boring).  Fourth, our hero, Thatcher Colt, doesn’t really do much.  He knows who the killer is and he knows who the intended victim is, but does nothing about it.  He pretty much sits back and lets the murder happen.  Which leads to - fifth, the ending is complete bananas.  

In the end, the best I can rate The Circus Queen Murder is a very average (and maybe even generous) 5/10.

Finally, I’m not an expert on pre-code films, but I generally get a kick out of them.  It’s amazing to me what filmmakers could do and get away with in 1933 that they couldn’t just a couple years later.  Marital infidelity, blood, risque wardrobes, and even something as innocent as Colt and his secretary traveling together would have most likely been axed by the Code.  Interesting stuff.

5/10

The Saint “The Element of Doubt” #1.8 (1962) (TV)

Where’s The Saint?,  3 June 2020

Simon isn’t very happy with a hoodlum getting off free or his win-at-all-costs attorney.  So, Simon decides to take matters into his own hands in the name of justice.

There’s nothing really wrong with The Element of Doubt, but (and I’m starting to sound like a broken record) it doesn’t feel like an episode of The Saint.  In this case, Roger Moore’s Simon Templar isn’t even involved until there are only about 15 minutes left.  There are at least 30 minutes of runtime where I all but forgot Moore was even in the show.  The courtroom drama is fine and reasonably entertaining, but without Simon, it’s not really The Saint.  

A couple other things that bothered me:  (1) Everyone seems upset by defence attorney Carlton Rood’s (a nice performance from David Bauer, by the way) courtroom tactics.  I don’t get it.  He doesn’t do anything any other competent attorney wouldn’t do.  His role is to represent his client to the best of his ability and, if possible,  get the charges dropped against,  And at that, he’s successful.  Does he do anything illegal?  No. Does he do anything unethical?  Maybe, but it’s up to the prosecuting attorney to object and deal with.  Rood shouldn’t be blamed because he out-foxed and out-maneuvered the prosecuting attorney while he sat on his hands.  (2) Once Simon finally does make an appearance, his plan to seek justice is so obvious and so juvenile that there’s no way it should have worked.  A smart guy like Rood would have seen through Simon’s plan and that ridiculous accent straight away.  I just wasn’t impressed with anything The Saint did in this episode.  

5/10

Laser Mission (1989)

“You see, with the Varbeek diamond and my laser, I can create a nuclear weapon.”  3 June 2020

Like a lot of people, I stumbled across Laser Mission in a $1 DVD bin at a discount store several years ago.  I finally got around to watching it recently and what a total bonkers, but fairly enjoyable experience.  The plot is a hot mess, but here goes:  A CIA mercenary (as the theme song reminds us over and over and over), Michael Gold (Brandon Lee), is hired to (a) rescue a world renowned laser scientist and (b) retrieve one of the world’s largest diamonds.  It seems that said scientist can somehow use the diamond and his knowledge of lasers to create a nuclear weapon (I think).  

Laser Mission is another of those movies that further proves my ratings are based on entertainment value and not the quality of the production.  In all honesty, Laser Mission is a total mess and pretty much a dumpster fire.  In addition to the confusing plot (for example, just try to figure out what country these people are supposed to be in - go ahead - I dare you), the movie features some incredibly poor editing, ridiculous dialogue, dodgy acting (those ever-changing accents are a hoot), lame special effects, amateurish action sequences, groan-inducing attempts at comedy, lead actress Debi Monahan’s screechy voice, and, despite the title, nary a laster in sight.  However, regardless of this list of negatives, I found Laser Mission not just watchable, but mostly entertaining.  I think all of the craziness I’ve listed, when combined, created something that's just good fun.

I haven’t mentioned it yet, but I was amazed to see Ernest Borgnine pop up in a dog like Laser Mission.  I’ve enjoyed Borgnine as an actor since I first saw McHale’s Navy in reruns as a child.   Despite the ridiculous script, he gives it his all.  He easily outacts everyone in the cast.  

5/10

Happy Death Day (2017)

“Who takes their date to Subway?”  2 June 2020

Tree Gelbman (Jessica Rothe) discovers she’s stuck in a time loop, reliving the same day over and over.  She wakes up in the same unfamiliar dorm room, makes the same walk across campus, has the same conversations and interactions, and is inevitably murdered.  To get on with the rest of her life, Tree will have to unmask her killer before she dies yet again.  

This is another of those movies that I sincerely doubt was intended for people in my demographic.  But it works for me.  I enjoy Happy Death Day more and more with each viewing.  I’ve now seen it three times and my rating keeps going up.  What makes it special?  I find the writing incredibly witty and clever.  Time loop movies and television shows have been done to death, but this one feels fresh to me. I appreciate the fact that the filmmakers didn’t shy away from the inevitable comparisons with Groundhog Day.  Instead, they were actually smart enough to include it in the movie.  And I love the blend of horror and comedy.  The combination is not always easy to get right and few movies excel at it the way Happy Death Day does.  

In addition to the writing, Happy Death Day is blessed with a top-notch cast.  Jessica Rothe is a real standout.  She (and everyone involved in the film) does an excellent job presenting her character’s transformation and growth throughout the film.  She goes from the typical sorority b%#@h you can find in most any slasher to a well-rounded young woman with a real heart.  It’s all nicely done.  Rothe is joined by Israel Broussard as Carter Davis - pretty much a doofus, but all-around good guy.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see where their relationship is headed.

Finally, I called Happy Death Day a horror / comedy.  And while that’s true, the movie’s really more of a rom-com now that I think about it.  Sure, there are a few creepy moments and some real laugh-out-loud bits, but it’s more about Tree and Carter’s relationship than anything else.  And a cuter couple you won’t find (did I really just use the word “cuter”).

8/10

The Meg (2018)

“Meg versus man isn’t a fight . . . it’s a slaughter.”  1 June 2020

A group of scientists descend to the deepest part of the ocean.  Unfortunately, they run into trouble (in the form of a giant, thought-to-be-extinct megalodon) and are stranded.  A rescue is attempted and is successful.  But on the way back to the surface, our band of interpret heroes / explorers is followed.  What do you think it could be?  

My quick review of The Meg - Big dumb fun (quite a bit of it actually), but little else.  

My main problem is that just about every aspect of The Meg is predictable.  Plot twists, character backstories, romance angles, the fate of Rainn Wilson’s Morris - there are very few surprises.  The most predictable thing, however, is (even though it’s painfully obvious, I feel compelled to say SPOILER WARNING) the second meg.  With at least 45 minutes of runtime left, who didn’t see that coming?  END SPOILER WARNING.

I”m not overly familiar with Bingbing Li, but I want to see more.  She’s a legitimate bright spot in The Meg.  As for Jason Statham, he’s Jason Statham.  You get what you expect.  Rainn Wilson has some good moments (I especially enjoyed the Shark Week bit), but ultimately, he wears out his welcome and I wanted to see his character die.  And could Sophia Cai be anymore cute?  What a little actress!

Special effects were hit or miss.  Some of the meg close-ups were obviously CGI.  However, the scene with the giant squid, for example, looked fantastic to me.  Set design was nice.  The underwater station looked appropriately “cool”.  

5/10