"I'm Rowsdower... Zap Rowsdower.", 17 September 2009
While rummaging through his father's old stuff, a boy named Troy discovers a map that leads to an ancient civilization. Troy thinks the map may also lead to answers to his father's death. But there are other, darker forces at work. A cult bent on world domination wants to get hold of the map. With the help of a former cult member named Rowsdower, Troy hopes to get to the bottom of the mystery before he ends up like his father.
While I usually pride myself in being able to separate the two, in the case of The Final Sacrifice, it's really difficult to imagine watching the movie without the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary. The movie seems to have been tailor made for that type of ridicule and mockery. From Mike Pipper's Yosemite Sam-like voice to the over-weight Canadian guys in black hoods and tank top running through the woods to the nonsensical plot to the cardboard Ziox civilization – it's like shooting fish in a barrel – the riffs just can't miss. I've probably seen The Final Sacrifice a half-dozen or more times and I'm always astounded at the ineptitude of it all. Some things are so bizarre, however, that it leaves me scratching my head in wonderment:
• Zap Rowsdower? Really? You've got to be joking. The name, the actor, the character motivation – none of it makes the least bit of sense.
• Troy McGreggor? Again, you've got to be joking? I sincerely doubt you could find a punier or bonier looking guy to play the role. And that incessant whining of the name "Rowsdower". It makes me want to slap the guy every time he opens his mouth.
• Plot coincidences. Can you write a plot with more unrealistic and unfathomable plot coincidences? Take the bad guys timing in coming after Troy. The map has been sitting undiscovered in Troy's attic for seven years. That's right – SEVEN years. But the moment Troy discovers the map, the bad guys immediately show up on his doorstep. Yeah, right. Or take Troy's chance meeting of Rowsdower. Of all the trashy, redneck pick-up trucks in Canada, what are the chances Troy would pick one to climb in that just happens to be owned by a former member of the cult that's chasing him? Not very likely.
• Is Canada really that desolate of a place? Troy's aunt's house appears to be in a neighborhood of some sort. Is there no one around to notice that something's amiss when hooded goons take a chainsaw to her front door? Does no one notice a band of thugs chasing Troy on his bike? And why doesn't someone notice the shootout Rowsdower and the cult members have on the highway? Is this kind of activity normal in Canada?
This is too easy and I've barely scratched the surface. I haven't mentioned the lousy technical aspects of the film, the amateurish acting, the poor special effects, or the ridiculous music score. The Final Sacrifice has it all and none of it is good. Because of some unintentional entertainment value I derive from the film, I can't rate it any lower than a 2/10. But as far as MST3K episodes goes, it makes for one of the best. I'll give that version a 5/5 on my MST3K rating scale. Enjoy.
2/10
Bad, Bad, Bad, 21 March 2009
It's been awhile since I last posted one of these user comments - and what a winner I've returned with. Wizards of the Demon Sword was made during a period rife with extremely bad sword and sorcerer movies, yet it has the dubious distinction of being about the worst I've thus far run across. It didn't take long for me to realize just how much I was going to dislike the movie. As soon as the film's supposed hero appeared on-screen, I found myself instantly and negatively comparing him to the hero of another putrid sword and sorcerer movie, Deathstalker II. And any comparison with that jackass is definitely not a good thing. Antoher big problem is the plot. Wizard of the Demon Sword's plot isn't worth devoting a minute of time or an ounce of effort to. It's a mish-mash of recycled ideas that any fan of this genre will have seen dozens of times - and usually done much better. In fact, nothing in the movie is worth devoting much time and effort to. So I'll wrap this up with by saying that the tired plot, the poor acting, the non-existent special effects, the dull screenplay, and the lousy direction make Wizards of the Demon Sword a poor excuse of a movie that offers nothing in the way of entertainment. A 1/10 is almost overstating it. In the end, I was left asking myself what in the world Russ Tamblyn, Lawrence Tierney, and even Michael Berryman were doing in a stinker like this.
1/10
One of my favorites from the series, 14 January 2007
I love the Poirot movies! There's something about England in the 1920s that I find especially appealing. These movies have a way of transporting me to that time and place. The attention to period detail in this series is remarkable (at least to my untrained eye). Clothing, set decoration, cars, and even mannerisms seem spot on. I'm amazed that in the 1990s, locations could still be found that look as they did 70 years previous.
The Poirot "regulars" give their usual wonderful performances. It's taken me awhile, but David Suchet has grown in my eyes to become the definitive Hercule Poirot. He nails the character. In many of these movies, the supporting cast can leave something to be desired. That's not the case with Peril at End House. They're quite good. Polly Walker is especially a standout. She gives her character real life.
But if you're really going to enjoy a Poirot movie, I think it helps to be a fan of Agatha Christie's books. I say it helps because those familiar with her work seem to be more forgiving of the plot holes, 2-D characters, and other problems with her plots. Fortunately, I have been a fan as long as I can remember. Peril at End House is classic Christie with red herrings, clues, and intrigue at every turn. As Hastings might say, "It's an all around good show."
8/10
"There's road kill all over Texas.", 9 December 2005
There are so many problems with Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III that I'm not sure where to begin, so I suppose I'll try to limit my comments to the characters. I couldn't have cared less whether the supposed heroes of the movie lived or died. A more unlikable pair do you rarely run across. The guy was a sniveling idiot and the girl had even less personality. "Kill 'em and kill 'em quick" was the thought running through my head.
Second, we've got the characters that make up Leatherface's "new" family. Who are these people and where did they come from? I would have thought that the Texas Rangers would have completely investigated the Sawyer family and discovered any relative who may have taken in Leatherface after the events of the first two movies. And, are we supposed to believe that the entire extended family is also made up of inbred cannibal serial killers? With a family as large as the one presented in these movies you would think that (even if just by chance) at least one member of the family would have some reservations about hacking up innocent strangers. I almost get the feeling that the makers of Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III would have us believe that everyone in Texas is a nutty, chainsaw-welding maniac.
Finally, there's Leatherface. I'll just say that he's a sad imitation of the original. And I know this has nothing to do with the character of Leatherface, but what's that engraved chainsaw all about? It's a completely ridiculous concept.
3/10
